[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.26,0:00:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a little girl I had a dream
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.64,0:00:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I would meet my prince charming,\Nhe would sweep me off my feet.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.08,0:00:31.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'd get married and maybe\Npractice making some babies.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.64,0:00:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we would love happily ever after\Nwith a white picket fence.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.29,0:00:44.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did meet my prince charming,\Nhe swept me right off my feet.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.05,0:00:46.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We had three beautiful children.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.77,0:00:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we were living a perfect life,\Nand I had that white picket fence.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.58,0:00:57.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About eight years into our marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.66,0:01:01.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to get this sinking feeling\Nin my intuition
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.69,0:01:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that something wasn't right.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.38,0:01:06.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was it me?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.04,0:01:07.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was it him?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.66,0:01:09.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was that our relationship?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.49,0:01:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Something wasn't right.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.04,0:01:13.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I asked him about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.22,0:01:16.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he laid my fears.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.38,0:01:22.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I had to conclude\Nthat I was the crazy one.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.67,0:01:31.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One day on our bank account\NI found an amount that was spent
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.34,0:01:35.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that caused me to think\Nthat he was cheating on me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.36,0:01:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I confronted him about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.38,0:01:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he answered me emphatically\Nin a kind way,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.01,0:01:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Emily, I would never cheat on you\Nwith another woman."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.22,0:02:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course I didn't want to think that,\Nand I had no idea how to respond,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.24,0:02:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I turned to my sarcastic self,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.23,0:02:09.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, "What are you then?\NGay or something?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.29,0:02:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His silence spoke volumes\Nthat I didn't understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.35,0:02:20.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He answered me with his own question,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.59,0:02:24.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, you knew this whole time?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.54,0:02:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over the next year and a half\NI dealt with so many things.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.00,0:02:36.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't even have\Nenough time to tell it all,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.10,0:02:40.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm going to give you\Na small list of some general things\N
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.47,0:02:44.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that you get a grasp\Nof what was going on for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.74,0:02:51.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt alone, and I didn't\Nwant to tell anyone
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.52,0:02:55.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I didn't want anyone\Nto think I was stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.97,0:02:58.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could I be so naiive?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.64,0:03:04.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The last thing I wanted in the world\Nwas to get a divorce from my husband
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.11,0:03:06.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I loved him.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.93,0:03:11.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there were people\Nwho absolutely said,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.33,0:03:15.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Your only option is\Nto get a divorce, clearly."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.31,0:03:21.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there were others including myself\Nstruggled with both of these things.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.94,0:03:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In order to remain true
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.50,0:03:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to my Christian values, my Christian faith\Nmy marriage vows and the Scripture,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.30,0:03:33.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to stay married to him.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.61,0:03:36.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt stuck.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.42,0:03:41.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tried manipulating him\Nand changing who he was.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.92,0:03:44.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in denial.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.86,0:03:47.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used the kids against him.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.84,0:03:51.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used the Scripture against him.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.28,0:03:55.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was desperate.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.23,0:04:00.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was desperate because I didn't know\Nwho I was without him.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.39,0:04:04.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who was I apart him?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.98,0:04:11.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My white picket fence\Nand my perfect life crumbled.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.09,0:04:20.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I want to speak\Nto two different people today
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.63,0:04:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about this scenario.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.14,0:04:27.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll be speaking first\Nto what I will call the straight spouse.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.60,0:04:32.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I'll be speaking\Nto the other person in the relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.35,0:04:36.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes I might refer to it\Nas LGBTQ, lots of letters.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.95,0:04:39.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's more than that.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.88,0:04:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or I will say,\N"gay or lesbian spouse."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.11,0:04:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So just know\Nthat they are interchangeable
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.60,0:04:46.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in this context at this point.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.91,0:04:52.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My hope though even if you haven't\Nhopefully had to deal with this,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.03,0:04:56.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that you will glean something\Nfrom it for yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.28,0:05:01.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there, I feel,\Nare some good principles here.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.40,0:05:03.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, to the straight spouse.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.00,0:05:07.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to tell you two things.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.89,0:05:13.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One: you are not alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.58,0:05:18.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'm going to repeat that.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.58,0:05:20.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You are not alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.28,0:05:28.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There ware hundreds of thousands,\Nsome estimates up to two million of us
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.25,0:05:32.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who would either be gone through it,\Nor are going through it,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.50,0:05:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or just might go through it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.43,0:05:41.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The interesting thing is that
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.91,0:05:47.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is no how-to book,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.23,0:05:51.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is no black and yellow\N"Straight Spouse for Dummies."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.86,0:05:59.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now if there was either\NA: I would love to write it
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.10,0:06:03.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or B: I wouldn't even be up here,\Nwouldn't need to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.56,0:06:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you're going through something\Nthat doesn't have a step-by-step program
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.92,0:06:12.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you've got to find people\Nwho have been where you are
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.12,0:06:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and are going through it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.73,0:06:18.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Finding other people\Nhelps you know you're not alone,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.54,0:06:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it is a great step towards healing.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.74,0:06:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second thing I want\Nto tell the straight spouse
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.29,0:06:31.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to find out who you are at your core.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.28,0:06:34.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'm going to explain that briefly.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.16,0:06:40.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When two people get into a relationship\Nno matter how long you've been together
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.02,0:06:41.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially the longer\Nyou've been together,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.97,0:06:46.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you end up losing, potentially,\Npart of your identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.30,0:06:48.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and melting it with the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.45,0:06:50.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.81,0:06:55.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But whenever betrayal happens
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.06,0:06:59.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have to flounder
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.10,0:07:02.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you don't have something solid\Nto stand on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.04,0:07:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So once that happens if it happens\Nand I pray that it doesn't happen to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.52,0:07:11.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,find out who you are at your core,\Nand know and love yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.40,0:07:14.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if you're going to be making\Ndecisions that are difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.62,0:07:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you will be.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.50,0:07:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've got to have something solid\Nto stand on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.86,0:07:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're ging to be setting a boundary\Nthat is very difficult to keep,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.97,0:07:26.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you have to know\Nand love yourself at your core,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.15,0:07:27.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that you have something solid
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.15,0:07:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stand on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.14,0:07:31.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a great step for healing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.12,0:07:39.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to the LGBTQ,\Nthe gay or lesbian spouse
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.18,0:07:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to acknowledge something first.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.52,0:07:46.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.52,0:07:51.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that it's tough coming out.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.22,0:07:57.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's nobody here in my world\Nthat's going to say
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.21,0:07:59.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's a bad thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.02,0:08:03.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to think that\Nuntil my husband came out.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.20,0:08:07.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm going to give you\Ntwo pieces of advice
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.97,0:08:11.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I believe \Nthat it is necessary to share that.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.96,0:08:17.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I get contacts from people on my blog\Nand through other websites
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.11,0:08:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,asking "What can I do to help my spouse?"\Nand thank you for wanting to help.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.68,0:08:26.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here're my two pieces\Nof advice for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.05,0:08:30.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.41,0:08:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.52,0:08:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy to think\Nthat once you tell the truth,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.54,0:08:43.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it feels like a light load\Noff of you, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.76,0:08:47.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, you've carried this load\Nwhether you know your whole life or not,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.33,0:08:50.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you take that burden off\Nbecause you figure out and it feels good.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.28,0:08:51.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know it does.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.24,0:08:53.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not saying it's going\Nto be easy from there on now.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.99,0:08:57.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you take that burden off\Nof your shoulders,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.42,0:09:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it squarely on the shoulders\Nof your unsuspecting spouse.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.46,0:09:08.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And let's just pretend you walk away\Nbecause that is what it kind of feels like
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.86,0:09:15.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Not doing this to beat anyone up,\Njust want you to understand."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.48,0:09:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we ask you for the truth,\Ndon't give us a half truth,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.50,0:09:24.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't not tell us because you\Nwere afraid to hurt us more.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.72,0:09:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have pieces missing\Nfrom that moment backward
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.30,0:09:34.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we need to understand\Nand the only way to understand that
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.77,0:09:37.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to get the full truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.45,0:09:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I want to encourage you.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.25,0:09:41.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When your spouse asks you,\Nyou don't walk away
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.43,0:09:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you feel lighter and you\Ndon't think it matters because of this.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.25,0:09:52.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second thing I want to tell\Nthe gay or lesbian spouses is:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.11,0:09:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be humble and do \Nwhat you can to make amends.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.34,0:10:01.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now you can't go back and change anything,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.52,0:10:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,worrying about the past\Nis not going to help you at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.88,0:10:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But from that moment forward\NI want to encourage you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.06,0:10:14.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to not say the words "Sorry, but..."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.13,0:10:22.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as in "I'm sorry I hurt you,\Nbut I couldn't help it."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.85,0:10:27.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see when we make excuses
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.82,0:10:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it builds up walls of bitterness\Nand defensiveness for both parties.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.80,0:10:36.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What we want to hear and feel\Nis true humility
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.50,0:10:38.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we know when we hear it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.85,0:10:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it feels like we can heal finally.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.44,0:10:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't tell you what to say.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.59,0:10:51.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what that's going\Nto look like in your relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.24,0:10:55.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I do know that when I hear\Nfrom other straight spouses
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.30,0:10:58.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had a spouse who came out,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.24,0:11:02.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it truly humbled their heart\Nbefore them in some way.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.81,0:11:05.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is such a gateway to healing for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.82,0:11:10.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So whatever that is for you\NI want to encourage you to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.36,0:11:12.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.61,0:11:16.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When hurt happens in a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.12,0:11:19.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the healing can seem impossible\Nif you feel alone;
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.59,0:11:25.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the healing seems unattainable\Nif you don't know all the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.42,0:11:32.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Healing can seem unfathomable\N
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.12,0:11:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if the one who hurt you\Nis humble about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.53,0:11:40.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About the straight spouse\Nand the LGBTQ spouse:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.08,0:11:44.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be authentic,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.94,0:11:48.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,know and love yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.03,0:11:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And above all, more humbly\Ndo what you can to help others heal.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.70,0:12:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, lastly to my ex-husband
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.71,0:12:04.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom I love and support,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.83,0:12:09.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to thank him for coming out
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.52,0:12:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if he hadn't,\NI wouldn't know and love who I am,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.78,0:12:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,regardless of anyone or anything
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.64,0:12:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,including this imperfect life\Nthat I've lived.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.87,0:12:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.20,0:12:28.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)