1
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There is a new TV show that just came out,

2
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's called Top Chef,

3
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't know if you have seen it.

4
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
September 10, 2010.

5
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Cyprien walks quietly in the street.

6
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
At the same time an asteroid threatens to 
crash on the earth.

7
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Any measure is taken by the leading forces

8
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who have not been warned because of an 
error of inattention.

9
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Fortunately, it degrades into the air and
becomes a dust

10
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
which comes in contact with a Cyprien's 
oily hair,

11
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and by a molecular reaction that we can't 
explain now

12
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
coupled with a scriptwriting ease,

13
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a time warp is created

14
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
propelling Cyprien several years before,

15
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and, he will never know it.

16
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm suffering from the Top Chef's curse.

17
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It means that the evening when I eat the
worst crap,

18
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's Top Chef's time.

19
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What's for dinner ?

20
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well.. I took all the leftover feed of the
week, put it all in a Tupperware,

21
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
add some water, in the micro-wave,

22
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and here it is, a kind of quiche,

23
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and for the bread, we got pizza crusts.

24
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
30 seconds !

25
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They do it on purpose ! They know it !

26
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's to put us off of not eating well.

27
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Let me eat shit in peace.

28
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There is one disingenuous thing with
Top Chef,

29
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
from the beginning, the opening credits,

30
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with the head of all candidates,

31
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they should remove the face of people
eliminated over the weeks,

32
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it looks obvious !

33
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Sorry but it's not good, for you the
adventure stops here.

34
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Is it possible to remove me from
the credits ?

35
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Not at all, no way !

36
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We will show your face every week to
millions of viewers

37
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who will tell "I have no fucking idea of
who this guy is".

38
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Great.

39
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is Top Chef.

40
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Honestly people who make this show, wow,

41
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
well done honestly, first because it's
really well paced,

42
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the music ! Have you ever heard the music
they put in Top Chef ?

43
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Oh, you're watching Pirates of the 
Caribbean ?

44
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No I'm watching a guy cuting leeks.

45
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And what happen this year ?

46
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They have changed almost the whole jury !

47
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Thierry Marx, there is no Thierry 
Marx anymore, my favorite !

48
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, he left for new projects,

49
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for gastronomic things, culinary,
something technical I guess,

50
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
which take him a lot of time,
that must be the reason.

51
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Lustucru "As a chef",

52
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
pasta that make you want to cook,
as a chef.

53
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The only remaining jury member is
the robot.

54
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What ? Don't try to make me believe

55
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that Jean-François Piège is a human being.

56
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Someone who stands like this naturally,

57
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is, of course, an artificial intelligence.

58
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Excellent cooking, it's my favorite.

59
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And who did they put in the jury ? Who ?

60
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Philippe Etchebest !

61
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The guy who yells at you non-stop,
like this :

62
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Damn, trust yourself ! Where is your
creativity ?

63
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Bring your creativity out !

64
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you don't regain control, it will
hit you, alright ?

65
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
People are lost because he screams,

66
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
so they cook shit, so he screams.

67
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well this is normal to be confused,

68
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in front of someone who has no eyebrows.
Disturbing.

69
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What the hell are you doing ?

70
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Shit ! Where are his eyebrows ?

71
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Does he had them at the beginning of the
show ?

72
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Is it contagious ?

73
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't want to lose my eyebrows !

74
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No lies, every year it's almost the same,

75
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
every year tests are the same,

76
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
every year they must cook for kids,

77
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
every year there is an ass-kisser who
decides to cook some fucking vegetables

78
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to impress the jury.

79
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So, for kids, I made them some turnips,

80
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with pickled cabbage,

81
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a medley of forgotten vegetables,

82
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with a sweet-and-sour sauce,

83
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and all together shaped like a fish,

84
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
kids love when it's fish-shaped.

85
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yuck ! It's disgusting ! I wanna die !
I wanna die !

86
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Really ?

87
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Mom it's really not good !

88
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I didn't expect it...

89
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Every year, the winner is the one 
who cooks pasta.

90
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
For 6 years now.

91
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The black box's test.

92
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is crazy.

93
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They must reproduce a dish,
that they must taste it, touch it,

94
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in complete darkness. In a giant box.

95
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
With infrared cameras.

96
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's kind of weird in fact.

97
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"PORN CASTING"
So, I've tasted everything,

98
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
put everything in my mouth,

99
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I think that there is some seafood,

100
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and cheese maybe,
a strong cheese.

101
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What is it ? Yet, I've licked everywhere.

102
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'll remember.

103
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The horrible moment in this show, 
it's the final.

104
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The final is embarrassing,

105
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Finalists have to prepare dozens of menus,

106
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with the help of the guys who have been
eleminated before.

107
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
People told them : "sorry the adventure 
is over,

108
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you're really sucks, get the fuck out !

109
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Oh wait, come back, you will help someone
else to win."

110
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So, in front of you, sweet potato
gnocchi,

111
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
chorizo emulsion, and a foie gras sauce

112
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
prepared by, uh... by uh, I forgot his name,

113
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the guy who has been get out on
first week, right.

114
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Bon appétit !

115
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
To find out who won the show,

116
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because there is money to win,

117
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they do a small staging, they go to the
finalists,

118
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with all their friends, family and stuff,

119
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they must pull a knife out of its case,

120
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
if the blade is orange, they have lost.

121
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, maybe I have a twisted mind but

122
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's basic, survival instincts,

123
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
if I tell someone that he has lost,

124
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't give him a bladed weapon.

125
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's your turn !

126
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange blade, you lose.

127
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
100.000€ go to the other finalist