WEBVTT

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There is a new TV show that just came out,

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it's called Top Chef,

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I don't know if you have seen it.

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September 10, 2010.

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Cyprien walks quietly in the street.

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At the same time an asteroid threatens to 
crash on the earth.

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No measure is taken by the leading forces

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who hadn't been warned due to an 
error of inattention.

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Fortunately, it degrades in the air and
becomes dust

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which comes in contact with a piece of Cyprien's 
oily hair,

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and by a molecular reaction that we can't 
explain now

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coupled with a scriptwriting ease,

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a time warp is created

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propelling Cyprien several years into the future,

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and, he will never know it.

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I'm suffering from the Top Chef's curse.

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That is to say that the evening when I eat the
worst crap,

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it's the night that Top Chef's on.

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What's for dinner ?

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Well.. I took all the week's leftovers, put it all in a Tupperware container,

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added a little water, put it in the micro-wave,

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and here it is, a kind of quiche,

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and for the bread, we've got pizza crusts.

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30 seconds !

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They do it on purpose ! They know it !

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It's to put us off of not eating well.

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Let me eat shit in peace.

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There is one disingenuous thing with
Top Chef,

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from the beginning, the opening credits,

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with the head of all candidates,

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they should remove the face of people
eliminated over the weeks,

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it looks obvious !

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Sorry but it's not good, for you the
adventure stops here.

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Is it possible to remove me from
the credits ?

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Not at all, no way !

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We will show your face every week to
millions of viewers

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who will think, "Fuck, I don't remember this guy at all".

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Great.

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This is Top Chef.

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Honestly people who make this show, wow,

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well done honestly, first because it's
really well paced,

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the music ! Have you ever heard the music
they put in Top Chef ?

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Oh, you're watching Pirates of the 
Caribbean ?

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No I'm watching a guy cuting leeks.

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And what happen this year ?

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They have changed almost the whole jury !

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Thierry Marx, there is no Thierry 
Marx anymore, my favorite !

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Well, he left for new projects,

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for gastronomic things, culinary,
something technical I guess,

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which take him a lot of time,
that must be the reason.

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Lustucru "As a chef",

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pasta that make you want to cook,
as a chef.

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The only remaining jury member is
the robot.

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What ? Don't try to make me believe

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that Jean-François Piège is a human being.

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Someone who stands like this naturally,

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is, of course, an artificial intelligence.

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Excellent cooking, it's my favorite.

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And who do they put in the jury ? Who ?

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Philippe Etchebest !

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The guy who yells at you non-stop,
like this :

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Damn, trust yourself ! Where is your
creativity ?

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Bring your creativity out !

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If you don't regain control, it will
hit you, alright ?

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People are lost because he screams,

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so they cook shit, so he screams.

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Well this it's normal to be confused,

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in front of someone who has no eyebrows. It's off-putting.

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What the hell are you doing ?

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Damn ! Where are his eyebrows ?

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Did he have them at the beginning of the
show ?

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Is it contagious ?

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Can I lose my eyebrows?!

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No lies, every year it's almost the same,

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every year tests are the same,

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every year they must cook for kids,

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every year there is an ass-kisser who
decides to cook some fucking vegetables

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to impress the jury.

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So, for kids, I made them some turnips,

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with pickled cabbage,

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a medley of forgotten vegetables,

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with a sweet-and-sour sauce,

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and all together shaped like a fish,

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kids love when it's fish-shaped.

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Yuck ! It's disgusting ! I wanna die !
I wanna die !

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Really ?

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Mom it's really not good !

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I didn't expect it...

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Every year, the winner is the one 
who cooks pasta.

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For 6 years now.

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The black box's test.

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This is crazy.

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They must reproduce a dish,
that they must taste it, touch it,

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in complete darkness. In a giant box.

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With infrared cameras.

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It's kind of weird in fact.

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So, I've tasted everything,

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put everything in my mouth,

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I think that there is some seafood,

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and cheese maybe,
a strong cheese.

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What is it ? Yet, I licked everywhere.

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It'll come back to me.

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The horrible moment in this show, 
it's the finale.

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The finale is embarrassing,

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Finalists have to prepare dozens of menus,

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with the help of the guys who have been
eliminated before.

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People told them : "sorry the adventure 
is over,

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you really suck, get lost !

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Oh wait, come back, you will help someone
else to win."

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So, in front of you, sweet potato
gnocchi,

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chorizo emulsion, and a foie gras sauce

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prepared by, wait... by, I forgot his name,

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the guy who was kicked out on the
first week, right.

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Bon appétit !

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ANTIFREEZE

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To find out who won the show,

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because there is money to win,

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they do a small staging, they go to the
finalists,

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with all their friends, family and stuff,

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they must pull a knife out of its case,

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if the blade is orange, they have lost.

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Well, maybe I have a twisted mind but

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it's basic, survival instincts,

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if I tell someone that he has lost,

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I don't give him a bladed weapon.

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It's your turn !

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Orange blade, you lose.

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100.000€ goes to the other finalist,

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antifreeze in gnocchi

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it hasn't convinced, it was not a very
good idea.

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Be careful to the seasoning, it lacked 
salt sometimes, it's right that...

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And the red blade ! What does the red
blade mean uh ?

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It lacks salt.

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Be careful to the seasoning.

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It's important.

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Well, Top Chef hasn't change my life,

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I always eat the same thing unfortunately,

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yes, there is a small difference.

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Before I was cooking like this,

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now, like this.

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I still eat shit,

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but it's stylish.

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