Good Morning, Gawker.
I’m not sure if I would have started a secret sex blog if I hadn’t already been working at Gawker.
It’s one of the most popular blogs in the country. And while I may not be a household name, I have a bit of a following online.
And since part of my job is digging up secrets on everybody else, I’d been having trouble writing at work now that I had my own secrets to protect.
When it’s your job to surf the web all day, it’s really easy to get distracted. Like, did you have any idea how many straight men there are in New York looking for gay sex?
How straight can you be if you’re looking for dick? On the other hand, it’s not hard to imagine a straight guy appreciating the occasional “bro-job.”
Especially in a city filled with well-dressed, gym-toned, open-minded men.
(KNOCK, KNOCK)
Hey you busy?
I’m all yours.
Pound it!
Pounded.
Dude, Karen is wearing my dick out hardcore.
What’s she into now?
Sex in public.
What, like, in the bushes in Central Park?
No that’s what you people do!
Who are you callin’ “you people?”
(LAUGHTER)
No, like she had me finger her in the middle of Cozy Soup and Burger.
Did she take your dick out too?
No not there. But if you go to a Starbucks anywhere below 23rd St, there’s an 85 percent chance that the bathroom wall is covered in my swimmers.
God you’re having sex like a gay guy.
If I was gay I wouldn’t have to keep buying her Louboutins.
Actually it depends on the gay guy.
What about you? You been to any sex parties lately?
Unfortunately no.
There needs to be like, a sex party for straight guys.
Isn’t there?
No there’s swinger parties and weird fetish stuff... I just want a room full of juicy chicks ready to go.
Basically like a harem?
Yeah. Listen, shit, I forgot why I was gonna come in here - you need to find something amazing to post because your numbers are down.
Really? Oh shit.
Just put your thinking cap on. I’m just telling you before your boss does.
Thanks for the tip. It’s been a slow news week.
Hey I know you’ll sort it. See ya.
Oh please. It’ll never happen.
He comes in every day to talk about sex. Did you see that New York Times article? Guys’ sexuality is way more fluid now than it ever was.
The internet just makes it easier for closeted guys to get sex. And Hot Sales Guy gets so much pussy what does he need you for?
Girls aren’t as understanding about lunchtime quickies. Besides, he always wants to hear about my sex life too.
Straight men love to compete.
I think he’s telling me I should make a move on him.
You’re insane.
Okay how come every time he comes into my office he says something sexual like “pound it”.
About his fist?
It’s like he’s saying pound my ass.
You’re such a gay cliche.
You would be too if you saw what he looked like.
Oh okay, so you remember that dude Carter I told you about?
Was this the one with the birthmark that looked like Dolly Parton?
No, Carter is the one with the big low hangers.
Ahhh yeah. What about him?
So we’ve hooked up twice but he never texts me back. Yet every time I see him he’s super funny and sweet. So I asked him out to dinner-
You?
Yeah. I know. And he said yes.
And?
Well that was Thursday and he hasn’t called me back. So how do I play this now? Do I call him again, or do I just text him?
Oh shit he just came online. Should I just IM him? I, fuck, I am so bad at this game.
Link me.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah.
Oh holy shit!
What?
Did you see the pictures of him on the yacht?
Yeah, so
Dude, he’s on a yacht with Larry Heller.
The billionaire?
The closeted billionaire media mogul. Look all these pictures are from last week. Your crush must be his new boytoy.
How am I supposed to compete with that. Fuck!
Why would you want to?
Does that mean he’s only attracted to ugly old men? No wonder he likes me.
Nick don’t have a meltdown. Just forget him.
It’s fine. It’s done. Whatever, I’m over it.
Nick...
(PHONE RINGS)
I gotta go.
I felt bad doing this to Nick, but I needed a story. And this was exactly the kind of story that made me good at my day job -- salacious gossip.
Oh my god Alex this story is amazing.
Hilarious!
All in a day’s work.
You’re the master!
(Knock, Knock)
Dude. Amazing.
Thanks.
Everybody’s flipping over this. Your clicks just jumped hardcore within 15 minutes of you posting that. It’s Awesome.
Thanks. Hey, you uh, wanna grab a drink after work to celebrate?
Can’t. Karen and I are eating out again tonight. Raincheck?
Sure.
Alright. Later.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What?
How could you post those pictures of Carter?
Uhhhh, I thought you’d like it.
Why would I like it? You published photos of my crush for the whole world to see that make him look like a prostitute. You’ve ruined my chances forever!
He’ll never trace it back to you. Besides, how are you even still interested in that loser?
He’ll know. Fuck. Alex. This is so unscrupulous. Don’t you have any restraint when you’re blogging?
Okay you know what’s unscrupulous -saying yes to a date and then blowing him off for some Mediterranean Meth Party. I was trying to have your back.
You were trying to get your scoop. I’m going to call Carter and apologize.
You don’t need to be with some guy who’s hooking up with closeted married dudes.
Says the guy who calls me to talk about stealing his straight co-worker away from his girlfriend!
There’s a difference between a straight guy who enjoys the occasional BJ and a closeted billionaire who takes boys on vacation.
I don’t see the difference. They’re both fucking liars.
Maybe Nick was right. All of the lines in my head had gotten blurred and I needed to get out of the office and unplug from my online fantasies.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, Alex?
Yeah?
It’s Lenny.
Ohhhh, hi Lenny.
I thought I’d get your voicemail.
Oh so you were hoping not to talk to me?
(laughs) No. It’s been a crazy week and this was the first chance I got to call. And I thought a guy like you would probably be out on a night like this.
Well it is pretty early. But I’m glad you called.
Hey have you got time this week to squeeze me in for dinner?
Yeah I think I can make that work.
It’s a date then.
(MUSIC UP)
Even if it’s just a fantasy, a hot guy is just hot to look at. If they’re going to spend that much time at the gym, I’m going to appreciate it.
Most straight guys don’t even see other men in a room. So you can stare as much as you want and they don’t even notice.
But when they clock your gaze, when you know that they know that you’re looking at them, they get self-conscious and kiss their girlfriends.
Or you’ve got something else entirely on your hands.
Fuck it.
I have to make this really quick.
No, take yours out.
(Moans)
Fuck.
Don’t come out of here for like five minutes, okay?
Oh my god! Seriously?
Seriously.
So hot! I’m so jealous.
What? I thought you were all against my straight guy lovin?
Well that just landed in your lap so to speak. That might be the hottest story you’ve ever had. You really should write this shit.
Well. Actually --
So I called Carter.
Was he pissed?
He was. Will you not write this please?
I won’t.
He thought it was pretty cool that I called. He doesn’t like the way he gets treated by people because of his looks... he had a fight with Larry about it on the yacht.
Go Nick! So you guys talked for a while?
He said I was the first person to be so straightforward and honest with him since he moved to New York. And he wants to get dinner for reals.
Wow. I am sorry. You know, I was acting selfishly.
You were.
Okay in my defense though, I really didn’t think Carter was good for you.
He’s a really good guy. He just comes off a little insecure. And he’s really fucking hot.
(Laughter)
So how do you want to thank me for getting Carter to go out with you?
Oh fuck off!
(MUSIC UP)
I finally figured it out. Straight and gay don’t matter as long you’re hot. As long as that lasts you can do whatever you want.