Here we have the light switch, we have both on for testing.
One off for conservation.
Both off for hangovers.
Over here we have the thermostat.
It's ironic because the thermostat runs on electricity, and the AC doesn't run at all.
For the AC you have to turn this knob to get it working.
It's on a timer.
That way, every four hours you get to experience menopause.
Here is our projector.
It has a filter that has never been cleaned, and a bulb that will always work until your first evaluation.
Don't physically touch the projector.
It has an alarm system.
You know, because everybody wants to steal a 240P Hiatachi from 2002.
This is the intercom system.
Inside that box is a can with yarn attached that runs to the front office.
At least, that's what it sounds like.
This is my printer.
You may say, "Why is it not plugged in"?
That's because other teachers have no idea which room number they're in
and decide to randomly print the manual to the Space Station throughout the day.
I found it far easier to just spend the last five years training with monks in the art of calligraphy.
That way I can copy worksheets down by hand and they look the same as they do online.
This is hand-drawn.
Then there's this.
This does nothing at all... don't even bother.
Nothing will happen.
This is the remote that turns on your projector.
Sounds easy enough but most likely the batteries have been stolen out of the back of it by a student.
And there's a good change a janitor swapped out one of the remotes during the summer
so you're probably turning on the projector six classes over.
Here is an actual phone.
A lot of teachers prefer to use their cell phone, but not me.
I just don't get the same satisfaction out of a rage hang-up.
Also, it's worth noting that giving the parents your actual phone number
is like installing a screen door on the lion enclosure at the zoo.
Here we have a microphone that goes around your neck .
My students use the sound of my labored breathing to remind me of how out of shape I am.
I prefer not to use this, because when I sit alone at my desk,
whatever comes out of those speakers will definitely get me fired.
No one really knows what the rest of this stuff does,
we just know that the county spent $9000 on it and will never, ever replace it.
These are the emergency power flood lights.
They are great for if the power ever goes out during your 2am 3rd grade art class.
In the hallways, they work as a hearing exam,
because one of them is always beeping and you never know which one it is.
This is the pull-down screen for your projector.
And this is the whiteboard that you will inevitably show everything on anyways because the pull-down screen never locks.
This is the electrical outlet in all of your rooms that apparently was cut out by Jack Torrance.
Notice the hole.
Notice the gaping hole on the side.
This helps with the self cleaning of your room when the rats come in the middle of the night and take out all the food.
No one really knows what these are....
They might be the printer, might be the internet.
We do know one thing though: Whatever you need it to be... it's not that.