Remember that time when as a child you drew a picture
and then you'd show your picture to your parents or caregivers,
looking for appraisal or approval?
I never got that from my mother.
Every single time I showed her my drawing,
“Look what I did, mom! What do you think? Do you like it?"
She would look at my drawing,
then look at me and reply with a question,
“What do you think? Do you like it?”
It doesn’t matter what I think,
what’s more important is what you think about it.
Back then I was kind of mad at her
because I thought that was some kind of test,
but now I know.
She was trying to help me build confidence in myself,
help me answer questions like,
"What do I think? What do I like? Do I like myself? Who am I?"
I have been asked this question, “Who do you think you are?”
many times in my life,
from people with good and not so good intentions.
And every single time I felt absolutely terrified.
There was a part in me really scared.
When I finally looked at that fear,
I saw a scared little girl trying to figure things out.
Then I started communicating with that girl.
What I found is that in talking with that little girl in me,
I gained confidence in myself.
The ride was bumpy but totally worth it.
The story begins in college.
One night we were partying with my friends at the beach,
singing and playing music around a bonfire.
A friend of mine was playing the mandolin.
She was playing with such a grace, I was in awe.
She invited me to join her,
but I didn’t play any musical instruments at that time.
But that night, I promised to myself to learn lyra,
a musical instrument from Crete, Greece.
The moment I said that out loud though, something weird happened.
Half of my college friends stopped talking to me
and the other half were politely avoiding me.
When I confronted one of them, he said, "It’s because of the lyra thing."
And I go, "Yes, so what?"
"Well, you can’t, you are a woman,
and lyra is a musical instrument traditionally played by men."
Unaware of the fact that this clay model,
found in Palaikastro, Crete, and dates back to 1350 BC,
shows a group of women dancing to the music of a lyre played by a woman.
Or totally forgetting about people like Lavrendia Bernidaki,
who was the first woman in the 40s
to ever be recorded in a musical record as a singer.
But she was the first woman that we know of,
that played all the musical instruments widely played in Crete:
the lute, the violin, lyra and the mandolin.
Nevertheless, I got the same reaction from both men and women.
I even had someone publicly point the finger at me saying,
"Who do you think you are to play lyra?"
I was devastated, heartbroken and alone.
But you know what?
There was a part in me really excited to learn how to play,
so I went on, bought the instrument and started looking for a teacher.
Apparently, music teachers, and especially lyra teachers,
didn’t teach women to play lyra.
So I said, "Okay I am going to have to learn by myself."
So I did.
But as it's true with most things, music is better when it's shared.
There was a group of 70-, 80-year-old men and women
from the village of Melambes, Rethymno,
who were gathering once a week, to play music, sing, dance, eat and share stories.
In one of their gatherings, I timidly mentioned that I play lyra too,
and they were so excited
that a young lady plays this musical instrument,
that they kept inviting me week after week to play with them.
I was thrilled.
I had finally found my tribe, and I was having so much fun.
(Laughter)
There was an incident, though, I will never forget.
In one of the weekly gatherings I was asked to play;
then suddenly, a man who was joining the group for the first time,
stood up and yelled, "Is she going to play lyra? A woman?
Who does she think she is?"
(Laughter)
My heart was beating really fast, and I was about to burst into tears
when one of the oldest men of the group gently turned my head to look at him
and said, "Chrisa, repeat after me:
'I am that I am, that I am, that I am. I’m Popeye the sailor man!'"
(Laughter)
Soon after I finished repeating the phrase, we all had a good laugh,
and I got the nickname “kapetanaki,”
which roughly translates to “little captain,”
with a touch of a rebellious attitude.
But I kept this "little captain" attitude
in advocating for women's human and civil rights.
Have you ever wondered
why so many women and men pay the same college tuition
but are not in so many cases getting paid equally?
Apart from the wage gap, have you ever thought about
why aren't there more women CEOs, politicians, engineers
or lyra musicians for that matter?
Who is responsible for that?
[Who is responsible?]
After spending a couple of years in private practice as a hypnotherapist,
treating women with confidence related issues,
it dawned on me.
Most women didn’t believe they were enough.
Smart enough, thin enough, beautiful enough,
qualified enough, educated enough.
I say, enough is enough!
Numerous global studies show that compared with men,
women don’t consider themselves as ready for promotions.
They predict they’ll do worse on tests,
and they generally underestimate their abilities,
when in fact, their actual performance does not differ in quality or quantity.
We fail to break the glass ceiling because of our lack of confidence.
The answer to my question “Who is responsible” is we, women,
and especially the things we say to ourselves
and the things we believe to be true for ourselves.
Each and every one of us is responsible for our lives.
The only one to define who you are or who you think you are is you.
It doesn’t matter what other people say or believe about you,
what’s most important is what you believe to be true for yourself.
Evaluate your own drawings,
don’t seek others’ appraisal or approval for your creations.
Now, the way you hear that question says a lot about your starting point
when it comes to confidence.
Do you hear it as a question that triggers a self-discovery journey?
"Who do you think you are?"
Or as an insult? "Who do you think you are?"
"Who do you think you are to go after your dreams?"
"Who do you think you are to speak up?"
"Who do you think you are to talk back to authority?"
"Who do you think you are to name your abuser after all these years?"
"Who do you think you are to hold your head up high after a failure?"
When someone asks you, "Who do you think you are,"
how do you respond?
Most likely with fear.
This question has been lobbed at most of us at some point as an accusation,
but I see it as the most powerful question to ask ourselves.
Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said:
(Greek) “The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”
“The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”
That was my starting point to forming the idea
that in order to have a life worth living
and confidently answer the question "Who do you think you are,"
we have to examine our lives starting from childhood
and properly parent our inner child.
But first, what is the inner child?
[Inner child]
Inner child is a part of your character that was affected during childhood,
which can have childish reactions to everyday adult situations,
such as not speaking up for yourself,
not being able to change an annoying habit,
ask for what you want, set boundaries,
apply for that job, ask for that promotion,
negotiate your wage, or your worth.
Are you wondering if you have an inner child?
The answer is yes, you do have one because you were a child once.
Why do we need to heal the inner child in order to have confidence?
It's because during the early years of development in a child’s life,
there are certain events that trigger emotions
that a child is not equipped to deal with.
We all had at a certain point
some of our primal needs as children not quite met,
and that created some kind of trauma or limiting belief.
Lack of love, acceptance, protection.
At that point, the child assumes the belief,
"It’s me.
There is something wrong with me."
And continues all the adult life seeing herself based on that belief.
I'm not enough.
I can't.
I'm not worthy.
My idea is to compassionately listen to what this inner child is saying,
and as a loving, caring parent give the correct answers.
"You can.” “You are enough.” “You are worthy.”
I’m going to share with you the technique I use with my clients
tο help them update those false beliefs
that helped them build confidence.
It’s a process that everybody can do, both women and men.
But in this time and age, I want to dedicate this practice to women.
With statistically lower confidence, women can really use it,
because it is time to meet the person you truly are.
It consists of three steps.
You’re going to need your imagination, a pen and a piece of paper.
Step number one:
Find a quiet place in the comfort of your home
where you can have some time undisturbed,
and take your notebook,
and allow yourself to go back to a time in your childhood
when something happened that hurt you.
The important thing here is to notice and note down
all the details as an observer.
Witness the scene as an observer.
And step number two:
You are going to create some contact with that inner child
you saw on the first scene.
Approach her; tell her you are a friend.
Tell her you saw what happened, and it is not her fault.
Tell her, "You are loved and appreciated by me.
I will take care of you. Things will be okay."
[Things will be okay]
In step number three, you are going to say your goodbyes,
but before that, you are going to ask her, "What do you need right now?"
Wait for the answer and then write it down.
Speak to her with the wisdom you have today
and share with her a message that will help her as she's growing up.
Give any promises, express love and gratitude.
“I will come back. I love you. Thank you.”
You can repeat this process for as many life events as you see fit.
And every time you need some extra boost of confidence or courage,
repeat,
"I am enough. I am lovable. I am safe. I can."
That is what I did when I decided to learn lyra
despite society’s disapproval.
This is what I did just moments ago before I came up on this stage.
Today, I am happy to report
that more and more women are playing lyra in Crete,
and there are many, many teachers that do not discriminate based on gender.
[Xenia Pandelaki]
[Katerina Petraki]
[Kelly Thomas]
There was a major shift in society’s perception.
[Giota Silli]
[Georgia Androulaki-Chnari]
[Georgia Dagaki]
[Ioanna Zouli]
[Elena Karatzi]
This is what happens when women show up authentically,
confidently knowing who they truly are.
And one might wonder,
What else could be possible
if you allow yourself to define who you are and act on it?
This practice helped me build the confidence
to create a life worth living,
the courage to show up and speak my truth,
and the compassion to accept my light and my shadows.
I invite you to do the inner child work and examine your lives,
because it is through her eyes,
those eyes that look at the world with curiosity and wonder,
that you will define who you truly are.
And it is very important because how you define yourself
will impact how successful you are at your work,
the quality of your relationships,
and even how happy and fulfilled you are in your life.
Stop playing small, let your light shine through
so that you show up in the world with love, creativity and grace.
So, I will ask again, but take your time to answer.
Who do you think you are?
Thank you.
(Applause)