[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.67,0:00:21.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let me tell you a love story.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.18,0:00:24.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Once upon a time, not so long ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.31,0:00:28.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a land I Googled\Nto be 5,172 miles away,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.74,0:00:32.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I met a guy, and he was perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.77,0:00:34.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'll tell you the meeting story.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.74,0:00:39.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd just taped this really cool TV show\Nabout experimenting with your sexuality,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.73,0:00:41.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I met him at the after-party
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.43,0:00:44.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through one of our famous\Nfriends who was a DJ.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.67,0:00:47.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was tall, dark, handsome,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.10,0:00:48.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kind of a rock star,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.68,0:00:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a little bit emotionally unavailable.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.84,0:00:54.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very soon, we were spending\Nall of our time together.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.51,0:00:59.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We threw these really cool parties\Nfor all of our cool friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.07,0:01:01.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we went backstage at every festival,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.70,0:01:03.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, when my hands were cold,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.38,0:01:06.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he would take them under his arms\Nto warm them up.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.81,0:01:08.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was my best friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.79,0:01:10.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought we would be\Ntogether forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.28,0:01:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so strong was that belief
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.64,0:01:17.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when the warning signs came,\NI just ignored them.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.10,0:01:21.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Until the day that I couldn't\Nignore them anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.78,0:01:23.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd become quite unwell,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.55,0:01:25.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't so pretty anymore,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.14,0:01:28.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I definitely couldn't go out\Nto any of the parties.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.43,0:01:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I was, for the first time\Nin my life, actually vulnerable
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.24,0:01:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was miscarrying our baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.33,0:01:37.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at that point,\Nwhen I was at my weakest,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.93,0:01:39.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he left.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.41,0:01:41.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not a joke.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.21,0:01:43.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah ha, um -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.66,0:01:46.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coming downstairs - and you you know what,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.77,0:01:50.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I would have followed him\Nout of the door to the ends of Earth.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.13,0:01:52.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I couldn't get out of my bed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.64,0:01:56.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I did get up, I found\Nthat our house had been stripped bare.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.05,0:01:58.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The paintings were gone from the walls,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.92,0:02:02.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the rooms that we used\Nto dance in together were empty.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.31,0:02:07.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I walked around those rooms\Nlike an animal, howling.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.97,0:02:12.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Picking myself up\Noff the literal floor that day,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.29,0:02:13.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to recognize
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.54,0:02:17.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that after all of this excitement\Nand this joy and this fantasy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.07,0:02:19.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the end of all that love,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.11,0:02:21.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.48,0:02:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know what,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.70,0:02:26.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that wasn't even the first time\Nsomething like that had happened to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.95,0:02:29.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a magnet for chaos.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.81,0:02:31.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I liked chaos,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.55,0:02:32.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when I was in chaos,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.90,0:02:35.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have to confront\Nanything about who I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.86,0:02:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Truthfully, I hadn't known\Nwho I was for years.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.74,0:02:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because on the floor that day,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.22,0:02:44.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did have someone, I had myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.07,0:02:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for a long time,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.36,0:02:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that had come to feel like,\Nit, well, meant nothing,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.84,0:02:49.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was invaluable.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.84,0:02:52.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I know it seems a bit self-indulgent
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.72,0:02:53.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to come out here today
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.94,0:02:57.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk to you guys\Nabout, like, effectively a break-up story,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.03,0:02:59.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was one of a chain\Nof many incidences
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.27,0:03:01.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that made me think, "Maybe there's\Nother people like me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.95,0:03:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe there's other people that aren't\Napproaching love in the right way."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.100,0:03:09.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I think\Nwe've all had experiences, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.35,0:03:12.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They look like love, they feel like love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.09,0:03:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when you open them up,\Nthere's nothing loving about them.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.28,0:03:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we continued to chase love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.98,0:03:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I think love is sold to us
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.67,0:03:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as almost like the ultimate\Nsolution to ourselves:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.98,0:03:25.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the things that makes our past okay,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.63,0:03:27.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that gives us the direction\Nfor the future,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.84,0:03:31.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and imbues our everyday\Nreality with meaning.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.27,0:03:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think love can be beautiful,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.10,0:03:35.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it can be exciting;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.23,0:03:39.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think sometimes\Nit can also be an act of escapism.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.88,0:03:42.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've had a long time\Nto think about this,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.14,0:03:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the introduction said,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.87,0:03:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am the artist formerly known\Nas the UK's leading dating expert.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.82,0:03:53.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before that I was a ghost writer\Nin the pickup industry,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.91,0:03:57.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I vlog about the reality\Nof love on my YouTube.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.33,0:03:59.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now I have a completely\Ndifferent approach,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.57,0:04:02.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a very minimalist strategy\Nwhen it comes to dating.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.86,0:04:04.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's really because I'm concerned
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.72,0:04:05.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that in our quest for love
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.98,0:04:08.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes it can be\Nthe ultimate distraction
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.68,0:04:10.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to fixing ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.54,0:04:13.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and doing the real work\Nthat will actually make us happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.47,0:04:14.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, don't get me wrong,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.95,0:04:19.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that the desire for attachment,\Nfor intimacy, for security, for love,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.28,0:04:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those goals are natural,\Nthey're human, and they're good.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.59,0:04:26.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think sometimes the way\Nwe go about them is a bit weird,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.18,0:04:30.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether that's crazy, ridiculous,\Non-off, destructive relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.85,0:04:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or needing to go out on a date\Nevery single night of the week
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.71,0:04:35.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a different person.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.44,0:04:37.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, like the hip form of dating,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.66,0:04:39.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you have someone on the back burner,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.82,0:04:41.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone on the front burner,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.26,0:04:42.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone under the grill,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.69,0:04:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then someone else\Nover there in the freezer
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.52,0:04:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.54,0:04:50.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just in case, God forbid,\Nyou spend a night by yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.80,0:04:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this, it feels really like\Nloneliness is the driver,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.33,0:04:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or escapism is the driver,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.66,0:04:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.83,0:05:03.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I'm kind of starting\Nto preach the opposite belief now,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.66,0:05:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, of course, the answer \Nlies not in another person,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.74,0:05:08.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but within yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.40,0:05:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I think, sometimes,\Nthe melodrama of love
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.71,0:05:13.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,takes us further away,\Nrather than closer,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.78,0:05:15.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to who we actually are.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.31,0:05:17.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I find that my dating advice
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.45,0:05:20.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is gradually shrinking down\Nto be essentially:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.22,0:05:22.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,go meditate,\Nget some therapy,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.07,0:05:23.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,read a book.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.29,0:05:25.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ha, ha.\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.18,0:05:26.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not what you would call
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.55,0:05:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a sexy strategy\Nfor the millennial generation.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.93,0:05:34.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A generation that is used to\N4G download speeds,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.81,0:05:36.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,skyping a friend abroad,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.54,0:05:40.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Netflix and chill with someone\Nyou just met from Tinder.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.63,0:05:43.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.66,0:05:46.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Um -
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.21,0:05:50.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I think when we're used to expecting\Neverything we want right here, right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.71,0:05:54.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we can't just vend\Nan automatic level of human connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.60,0:05:57.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we not only feel\Nlike we're getting it wrong,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.75,0:06:01.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but like we're not getting\Nwhat we're entitled to.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.16,0:06:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you just take\None look at Instagram:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.67,0:06:05.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everybody else has it sorted out.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.99,0:06:08.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we sort of live in the culture\Nthat surrounds us,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.62,0:06:11.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,telling us that we should\Nhave fallen in love or be falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.89,0:06:14.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or at least have had great sex, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.35,0:06:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like yesterday!?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.77,0:06:19.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, let's face it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.16,0:06:22.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who actually enters into the arena of love
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.01,0:06:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking to, maybe, become a better person,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.46,0:06:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be kinder, to have more integrity,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.14,0:06:30.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get more grounded?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.56,0:06:31.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one does that.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.86,0:06:33.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's because our eyes are off ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.79,0:06:35.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're looking for that next adventure,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.62,0:06:36.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that greener grass,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.80,0:06:37.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that new person,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.99,0:06:40.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so we don't have to deal with\Nany of that stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.70,0:06:43.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I understand\Nhow easily it happens, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.61,0:06:45.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just kind of meet someone sexy,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.63,0:06:46.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know where,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.99,0:06:51.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe it was at a party, on the train,\Nor the Tube, as we would say in London.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.30,0:06:54.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or maybe you just met them,\Nyou both joined Tinder that day,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.66,0:06:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how magical!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.97,0:06:58.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.10,0:07:01.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before too long, you realize\Nthat you have some stuff in common,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.36,0:07:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like wow, you both like\Nalmond butter, Star Wars,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.30,0:07:09.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can name all four\NTeenage Mutant Ninja Hero Turtles.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.12,0:07:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, like, suddenly,\Nyou're retelling how you met,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.75,0:07:17.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, this serendipitous coincidence\Nof cosmic proportions -
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.66,0:07:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's like move over Romeo and Juliet.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.34,0:07:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not that that ended every well,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.14,0:07:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let's all remember that.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.98,0:07:33.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, when you're thinking about you're not\Nexactly being Romeo and Juliet,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.71,0:07:35.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're actually living\Nin the real world,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.84,0:07:39.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think the thing is, the main sell,\Nwhen you kind of fall for someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.31,0:07:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is it 's like: Yippee, I'm not\Nalone anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.39,0:07:45.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hooray! Nailed it! Uh ha.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.30,0:07:46.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coz you get to - guess what you do?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.97,0:07:48.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You get to go home every night,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.46,0:07:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to put\Nyour head on the pillow,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.51,0:07:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't have to think about,\Nyou know, your needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.18,0:07:55.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your wants, your past,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.28,0:07:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, actually, kind of all the stuff
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.36,0:08:00.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's really, probably,\Nstopping you from becoming happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.28,0:08:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you're not fixing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.97,0:08:04.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, you get to be entrapped\Nby somebody else,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.66,0:08:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're intrigued by them,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.95,0:08:09.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your mind has someone new\Nto spiral into and focus on.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.86,0:08:13.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think sometimes when you're focusing\Non that perfect romance,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.28,0:08:15.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're not actually doing the real work
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.15,0:08:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to fix the stuff that's stopping you\Nfrom becoming happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.07,0:08:19.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And because of that,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.73,0:08:22.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that most of us,\Nwhen it comes to love and dating,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.50,0:08:26.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kind of need an epic timeout and reset.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.58,0:08:30.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For myself, I did six months cold turkey.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.92,0:08:34.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No dating, no internet dating,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.25,0:08:37.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I went to all of two parties.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.03,0:08:39.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Literally, you could have\Nwritten up my love life
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.78,0:08:41.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the back of a postage stamp,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.79,0:08:43.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was that exciting.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.91,0:08:47.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all this from the girl who used to -
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.54,0:08:51.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honestly, I used to pride myself\Non having a ridiculous love life.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.76,0:08:54.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The stories - if I was here\Ntwo years ago guys,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.38,0:08:57.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd have told you some amazing stories.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.20,0:08:59.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you know what?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.31,0:09:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After all of that,\Nand after everything that happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.91,0:09:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I would quite like\Nto know who I am again.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.73,0:09:08.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, and I think I'm not alone here,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.17,0:09:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you're experiencing a Groundhog Day\Nwhen it comes to your dating life,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.100,0:09:15.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that the thing is
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.94,0:09:19.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you think that it's\Nbecause you're meeting loads of players,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.52,0:09:24.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or nice guys finish last,\Nor you just haven't met the one yet,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.25,0:09:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that dating is a numbers game,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.55,0:09:27.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think actually
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.79,0:09:32.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these truisms that surround dating\Naren't in fact true at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.34,0:09:35.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I think they lead us away\Nfrom what the real issue is.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.98,0:09:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because the problem, and I know\Nthis doesn't make for comfy listening,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.83,0:09:43.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the problem, it's with you, it's with me,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.82,0:09:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's with our ridiculous ideas\Naround romance,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.75,0:09:49.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's with our needs\Nthat we haven't realized yet,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.16,0:09:53.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's with our past\Nthat we don't want to talk about,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.28,0:09:54.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's with our desires,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.47,0:09:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's with our inability\Nto get through one day
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.05,0:09:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with[out] picking up our smartphones,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.24,0:10:00.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's with what we value.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.34,0:10:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I decided after all of that -\NI was like, you know what,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.10,0:10:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm done with Groundhog Day in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.97,0:10:08.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I actually want to discover\Na bit more about myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.25,0:10:12.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because the truth is,\NI wasn't even born Hayley Quinn.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.17,0:10:14.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right!? Right!?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.49,0:10:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I chose that name,\NI thought it sounded cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.42,0:10:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was actually born Hayley Whittle.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.71,0:10:25.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I was born -\NI grew up in a poor family,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.19,0:10:26.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my parents were disabled,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.65,0:10:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was really teased at school a lot\Nfor being the weird girl,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.56,0:10:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to work as a dishwasher,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.11,0:10:36.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and because of that, there was\Nso much pain and shame in my past
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.18,0:10:38.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just didn't want to touch it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.10,0:10:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the way I ran away from it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.08,0:10:44.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is I ran away from it\Nwith love and with fantasy.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.36,0:10:47.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I decided after all that running,\NI wasn't really getting anywhere,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.75,0:10:51.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was just re-creating the same mistakes\Ntime and time again.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.13,0:10:52.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought I'd better stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.83,0:10:55.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like I want\Nto actually feel something.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.77,0:10:59.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I can tell you,\Nwhen I stopped, I did feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.82,0:11:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think I cried every single day\Nfor the first month
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.30,0:11:04.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the phone to my Mum,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.88,0:11:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was awkward
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.10,0:11:09.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I hadn't really spoken to her\Nfor about a decade at that stage.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.76,0:11:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I'd come home,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.09,0:11:13.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd come home\Nto this empty, dirty house,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.90,0:11:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with no guy and no baby\Nand no possessions left in it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.52,0:11:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then some days I'd wake up
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.62,0:11:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the pain would be so bad\Nthat it felt like my heart was burning.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.12,0:11:28.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to resist the temptation\Nat that stage to not reach out
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.34,0:11:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and take that little plaster of dating\Nor love or some attention
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.13,0:11:35.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to fix how I was feeling
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.78,0:11:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was really hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.31,0:11:39.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But gradually, you know what?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.75,0:11:43.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A great thing happened,\Nis that I came back into the room,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.34,0:11:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became aware again,\Nmy mind started to work,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.56,0:11:48.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I reconnected with my family,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.42,0:11:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the friends that were left\Nwere the good ones,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.77,0:11:54.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I stopped being so obsessed\Nwith going out every night of the week
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.58,0:11:57.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or whether someone had read\Nmy messages on WhatsApp.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.18,0:11:59.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so that's why,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.48,0:12:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you're listening to what I'm saying,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.35,0:12:03.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you even see a shadow of yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.45,0:12:07.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a little shadow of your story\Nin my ridiculous life,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.16,0:12:10.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would advise just taking\Na time to take that pause,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.72,0:12:13.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to tell you why,\NI'm actually going to sell it to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.98,0:12:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here I go, first things first:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.09,0:12:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you come home and your evening plans\Nare make chicken soup and read a book,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.13,0:12:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this no longer sounds bad,\Nthis sounds awesome.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.45,0:12:27.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although I'd like to point out
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.89,0:12:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my chicken soup literally still has\Nthe consistency of porridge,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.95,0:12:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's so bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.14,0:12:33.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Work in progress! Work in progress!
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.65,0:12:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Second thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.69,0:12:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you stop waiting\Nfor your prince or your princess
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.31,0:12:42.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to come crashing through the door\Nand save you and solve your life,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.18,0:12:44.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you start kind of living\Nin the here and now more.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.56,0:12:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you live in the here and now,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.38,0:12:48.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you become more grounded,\Nyou become more confident,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.90,0:12:50.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you become stronger.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.97,0:12:53.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You also become more self-aware.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.28,0:12:54.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you're aware,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.45,0:12:56.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you become more aware of\Nthe people around you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.70,0:12:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know what I saw, and what I see?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.63,0:13:03.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see people running away all the time,\Nevery single day of their lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.62,0:13:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you see those situations,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.30,0:13:07.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you have the foresight\Nto step back for a change
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.84,0:13:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than get involved.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.69,0:13:12.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I also learned that life\Nis pretty dramatic as it is,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.65,0:13:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it throws you plenty of challenges,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.78,0:13:17.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so you don't really need\Nto create any more
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.54,0:13:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go out there on a mission
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.93,0:13:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have more drama,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.07,0:13:21.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can just leave it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.29,0:13:24.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I also finally realized,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.80,0:13:28.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, well, those people\Nsay to you, they say,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.42,0:13:33.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need to be alone, or be by yourself,\Nbefore you can meet someone else.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.58,0:13:35.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to think those people were boring;
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.00,0:13:39.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now I think they're right,\Nthey're definitely, probably right.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.34,0:13:46.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I think, sometimes, actually,\Nwhen we actually confront our aloneness,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.04,0:13:48.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we start to deal\Nwith our needs and the past
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.52,0:13:49.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all that horrible pain
Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.92,0:13:53.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, you know, as people, we just collect\Nand carry with us throughout our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.84,0:13:56.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we deal with that,\Nand we're not running from it
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.72,0:13:58.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in endless people or endless dates,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.71,0:14:01.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we don't have anything\Nto prove anymore,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.08,0:14:05.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you don't need a destructive,\Nridiculous on-off relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.79,0:14:09.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to feel alive,\Nin order to feel like you exist,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.01,0:14:12.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you can just be,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.80,0:14:15.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I kind of actually think that's real love.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.38,0:14:16.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.04,0:14:20.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)