0:00:18.669,0:00:21.177
So let me tell you a love story.

0:00:21.177,0:00:24.297
Once upon a time, not so long ago,

0:00:24.308,0:00:28.628
in a land I Googled[br]to be 5,172 miles away,

0:00:29.744,0:00:32.772
I met a guy, and he was perfect.

0:00:32.772,0:00:34.739
So I'll tell you the meeting story.

0:00:34.741,0:00:39.734
I'd just taped this really cool TV show[br]about experimenting with your sexuality,

0:00:39.734,0:00:41.431
and I met him at the after-party

0:00:41.431,0:00:44.668
through one of our famous[br]friends who was a DJ.

0:00:44.668,0:00:47.097
He was tall, dark, handsome,

0:00:47.100,0:00:48.672
kind of a rock star,

0:00:48.675,0:00:51.835
and a little bit emotionally unavailable.

0:00:51.839,0:00:54.509
Very soon, we were spending[br]all of our time together.

0:00:54.509,0:00:59.072
We threw these really cool parties[br]for all of our cool friends,

0:00:59.072,0:01:01.569
we went backstage at every festival,

0:01:01.699,0:01:03.371
and, when my hands were cold,

0:01:03.375,0:01:06.438
he would take them under his arms[br]to warm them up.

0:01:06.810,0:01:08.780
He was my best friend,

0:01:08.787,0:01:10.911
and I thought we would be[br]together forever.

0:01:11.282,0:01:13.485
And so strong was that belief

0:01:13.637,0:01:17.100
that when the warning signs came,[br]I just ignored them.

0:01:18.102,0:01:21.191
Until the day that I couldn't[br]ignore them anymore.

0:01:21.779,0:01:23.548
I'd become quite unwell,

0:01:23.548,0:01:25.145
I wasn't so pretty anymore,

0:01:25.145,0:01:28.429
and I definitely couldn't go out[br]to any of the parties.

0:01:28.429,0:01:32.240
In fact, I was, for the first time[br]in my life, actually vulnerable

0:01:32.240,0:01:35.040
because I was miscarrying our baby.

0:01:35.331,0:01:37.764
And at that point,[br]when I was at my weakest,

0:01:37.933,0:01:39.267
he left.

0:01:40.406,0:01:41.718
It's not a joke.

0:01:42.211,0:01:43.983
Ah ha, um -

0:01:44.657,0:01:46.766
Coming downstairs - and you you know what,

0:01:46.767,0:01:50.113
but I would have followed him[br]out of the door to the ends of Earth.

0:01:50.130,0:01:52.618
But I couldn't get out of my bed.

0:01:52.636,0:01:56.717
When I did get up, I found[br]that our house had been stripped bare.

0:01:57.051,0:01:58.916
The paintings were gone from the walls,

0:01:58.917,0:02:02.312
and the rooms that we used[br]to dance in together were empty.

0:02:03.308,0:02:07.212
I walked around those rooms[br]like an animal, howling.

0:02:08.970,0:02:12.272
Picking myself up[br]off the literal floor that day,

0:02:12.286,0:02:13.534
I had to recognize

0:02:13.543,0:02:17.043
that after all of this excitement[br]and this joy and this fantasy,

0:02:17.071,0:02:19.107
at the end of all that love,

0:02:19.111,0:02:21.111
I had nothing.

0:02:21.479,0:02:22.683
And you know what,

0:02:22.699,0:02:26.591
that wasn't even the first time[br]something like that had happened to me.

0:02:26.947,0:02:29.797
I was a magnet for chaos.

0:02:29.814,0:02:31.529
I liked chaos,

0:02:31.546,0:02:32.894
because when I was in chaos,

0:02:32.899,0:02:35.842
I didn't have to confront[br]anything about who I was.

0:02:35.856,0:02:39.480
Truthfully, I hadn't known[br]who I was for years.

0:02:39.743,0:02:41.218
Because on the floor that day,

0:02:41.220,0:02:44.069
I did have someone, I had myself.

0:02:44.069,0:02:45.365
But for a long time,

0:02:45.365,0:02:47.827
that had come to feel like,[br]it, well, meant nothing,

0:02:47.835,0:02:49.441
and it was invaluable.

0:02:50.844,0:02:52.710
So I know it seems a bit self-indulgent

0:02:52.716,0:02:53.943
to come out here today

0:02:53.945,0:02:57.021
and talk to you guys[br]about, like, effectively a break-up story,

0:02:57.027,0:02:59.264
but it was one of a chain[br]of many incidences

0:02:59.267,0:03:01.941
that made me think, "Maybe there's[br]other people like me,

0:03:01.947,0:03:05.938
maybe there's other people that aren't[br]approaching love in the right way."

0:03:06.997,0:03:09.330
Because I think[br]we've all had experiences, right?

0:03:09.349,0:03:12.089
They look like love, they feel like love,

0:03:12.091,0:03:15.639
but when you open them up,[br]there's nothing loving about them.

0:03:16.285,0:03:17.980
But we continued to chase love,

0:03:17.985,0:03:19.666
because I think love is sold to us

0:03:19.672,0:03:22.972
as almost like the ultimate[br]solution to ourselves:

0:03:22.979,0:03:25.626
the things that makes our past okay,

0:03:25.629,0:03:27.834
that gives us the direction[br]for the future,

0:03:27.839,0:03:31.086
and imbues our everyday[br]reality with meaning.

0:03:31.272,0:03:33.096
I think love can be beautiful,

0:03:33.103,0:03:35.015
I think it can be exciting;

0:03:35.230,0:03:39.269
but I think sometimes[br]it can also be an act of escapism.

0:03:39.877,0:03:42.119
And I've had a long time[br]to think about this,

0:03:42.141,0:03:43.865
as the introduction said,

0:03:43.872,0:03:49.246
I am the artist formerly known[br]as the UK's leading dating expert.

0:03:50.822,0:03:53.904
And before that I was a ghost writer[br]in the pickup industry,

0:03:53.911,0:03:57.012
and I vlog about the reality[br]of love on my YouTube.

0:03:57.326,0:03:59.566
And now I have a completely[br]different approach,

0:03:59.569,0:04:02.763
a very minimalist strategy[br]when it comes to dating.

0:04:02.863,0:04:04.722
And that's really because I'm concerned

0:04:04.725,0:04:05.979
that in our quest for love

0:04:05.980,0:04:08.677
sometimes it can be[br]the ultimate distraction

0:04:08.685,0:04:10.525
to fixing ourselves

0:04:10.535,0:04:13.456
and doing the real work[br]that will actually make us happy.

0:04:13.474,0:04:14.939
Because, don't get me wrong,

0:04:14.946,0:04:19.284
I think that the desire for attachment,[br]for intimacy, for security, for love,

0:04:19.285,0:04:22.577
those goals are natural,[br]they're human, and they're good.

0:04:22.586,0:04:26.169
But I think sometimes the way[br]we go about them is a bit weird,

0:04:26.177,0:04:30.842
whether that's crazy, ridiculous,[br]on-off, destructive relationships,

0:04:30.847,0:04:33.713
or needing to go out on a date[br]every single night of the week

0:04:33.713,0:04:35.436
with a different person.

0:04:35.436,0:04:37.661
You know, like the hip form of dating,

0:04:37.661,0:04:39.815
where you have someone on the back burner,

0:04:39.822,0:04:41.257
someone on the front burner,

0:04:41.257,0:04:42.682
someone under the grill,

0:04:42.686,0:04:45.519
and then someone else[br]over there in the freezer

0:04:45.519,0:04:46.537
(Laughter)

0:04:46.537,0:04:50.059
just in case, God forbid,[br]you spend a night by yourself.

0:04:51.796,0:04:56.327
In this, it feels really like[br]loneliness is the driver,

0:04:56.327,0:04:58.626
or escapism is the driver,

0:04:58.656,0:04:59.921
not love.

0:05:00.833,0:05:03.658
So, I'm kind of starting[br]to preach the opposite belief now,

0:05:03.665,0:05:06.728
that, of course, the answer [br]lies not in another person,

0:05:06.736,0:05:08.387
but within yourself.

0:05:08.398,0:05:10.700
Because I think, sometimes,[br]the melodrama of love

0:05:10.707,0:05:13.768
takes us further away,[br]rather than closer,

0:05:13.777,0:05:15.305
to who we actually are.

0:05:15.312,0:05:17.446
So I find that my dating advice

0:05:17.453,0:05:20.197
is gradually shrinking down[br]to be essentially:

0:05:20.216,0:05:22.069
go meditate,[br]get some therapy,

0:05:22.074,0:05:23.292
read a book.

0:05:23.292,0:05:25.160
Ha, ha.[br](Laughter)

0:05:25.176,0:05:26.525
It's not what you would call

0:05:26.547,0:05:29.904
a sexy strategy[br]for the millennial generation.

0:05:30.929,0:05:34.796
A generation that is used to[br]4G download speeds,

0:05:34.814,0:05:36.523
skyping a friend abroad,

0:05:36.540,0:05:40.618
and Netflix and chill with someone[br]you just met from Tinder.

0:05:40.634,0:05:43.037
(Laughter)

0:05:44.657,0:05:46.197
Um -

0:05:46.207,0:05:50.669
So I think when we're used to expecting[br]everything we want right here, right now,

0:05:50.711,0:05:54.595
when we can't just vend[br]an automatic level of human connection,

0:05:54.605,0:05:57.750
we not only feel[br]like we're getting it wrong,

0:05:57.753,0:06:01.029
but like we're not getting[br]what we're entitled to.

0:06:01.161,0:06:03.673
And then you just take[br]one look at Instagram:

0:06:03.673,0:06:05.986
everybody else has it sorted out.

0:06:05.988,0:06:08.610
And we sort of live in the culture[br]that surrounds us,

0:06:08.617,0:06:11.883
telling us that we should[br]have fallen in love or be falling in love,

0:06:11.889,0:06:14.340
or at least have had great sex, right?

0:06:14.351,0:06:15.892
Like yesterday!?

0:06:17.769,0:06:19.150
You know, let's face it,

0:06:19.155,0:06:22.995
who actually enters into the arena of love

0:06:23.006,0:06:26.459
looking to, maybe, become a better person,

0:06:26.465,0:06:29.135
to be kinder, to have more integrity,

0:06:29.137,0:06:30.556
to get more grounded?

0:06:30.561,0:06:31.861
No one does that.

0:06:31.865,0:06:33.776
It's because our eyes are off ourselves,

0:06:33.793,0:06:35.608
we're looking for that next adventure,

0:06:35.617,0:06:36.794
that greener grass,

0:06:36.796,0:06:37.989
that new person,

0:06:37.992,0:06:40.429
so we don't have to deal with[br]any of that stuff.

0:06:40.705,0:06:43.596
And I understand[br]how easily it happens, right?

0:06:43.606,0:06:45.615
You just kind of meet someone sexy,

0:06:45.628,0:06:46.987
I don't know where,

0:06:46.993,0:06:51.289
maybe it was at a party, on the train,[br]or the Tube, as we would say in London.

0:06:51.300,0:06:54.658
Or maybe you just met them,[br]you both joined Tinder that day,

0:06:54.658,0:06:55.968
how magical!

0:06:55.973,0:06:58.087
(Laughter)

0:06:58.098,0:07:01.354
And before too long, you realize[br]that you have some stuff in common,

0:07:01.361,0:07:05.290
like wow, you both like[br]almond butter, Star Wars,

0:07:05.295,0:07:09.786
you can name all four[br]Teenage Mutant Ninja Hero Turtles.

0:07:11.117,0:07:13.741
And then, like, suddenly,[br]you're retelling how you met,

0:07:13.747,0:07:17.655
like, this serendipitous coincidence[br]of cosmic proportions -

0:07:17.655,0:07:20.885
it's like move over Romeo and Juliet.

0:07:21.338,0:07:23.137
Not that that ended every well,

0:07:23.137,0:07:25.277
let's all remember that.

0:07:28.985,0:07:33.705
So, when you're thinking about you're not[br]exactly being Romeo and Juliet,

0:07:33.714,0:07:35.826
and we're actually living[br]in the real world,

0:07:35.839,0:07:39.293
I think the thing is, the main sell,[br]when you kind of fall for someone,

0:07:39.306,0:07:42.377
is it 's like: Yippee, I'm not[br]alone anymore.

0:07:42.386,0:07:45.297
Hooray! Nailed it! Uh ha.

0:07:45.302,0:07:46.971
Coz you get to - guess what you do?

0:07:46.974,0:07:48.455
You get to go home every night,

0:07:48.455,0:07:50.505
and you get to put[br]your head on the pillow,

0:07:50.507,0:07:53.173
and you don't have to think about,[br]you know, your needs,

0:07:53.179,0:07:55.280
your wants, your past,

0:07:55.284,0:07:57.344
and, actually, kind of all the stuff

0:07:57.356,0:08:00.269
that's really, probably,[br]stopping you from becoming happy,

0:08:00.280,0:08:01.972
because you're not fixing it.

0:08:01.974,0:08:04.652
Instead, you get to be entrapped[br]by somebody else,

0:08:04.656,0:08:05.935
you're intrigued by them,

0:08:05.949,0:08:09.549
your mind has someone new[br]to spiral into and focus on.

0:08:09.856,0:08:13.123
But I think sometimes when you're focusing[br]on that perfect romance,

0:08:13.277,0:08:15.136
you're not actually doing the real work

0:08:15.148,0:08:17.878
to fix the stuff that's stopping you[br]from becoming happy.

0:08:18.073,0:08:19.717
And because of that,

0:08:19.727,0:08:22.498
I think that most of us,[br]when it comes to love and dating,

0:08:22.502,0:08:26.572
kind of need an epic timeout and reset.

0:08:26.585,0:08:30.431
For myself, I did six months cold turkey.

0:08:30.920,0:08:34.246
No dating, no internet dating,

0:08:34.251,0:08:37.028
and I went to all of two parties.

0:08:37.034,0:08:39.779
Literally, you could have[br]written up my love life

0:08:39.779,0:08:41.784
on the back of a postage stamp,

0:08:41.787,0:08:43.586
it was that exciting.

0:08:43.914,0:08:47.522
And all this from the girl who used to -

0:08:47.535,0:08:51.744
honestly, I used to pride myself[br]on having a ridiculous love life.

0:08:51.758,0:08:54.368
The stories - if I was here[br]two years ago guys,

0:08:54.379,0:08:57.294
I'd have told you some amazing stories.

0:08:58.197,0:08:59.311
But you know what?

0:08:59.312,0:09:01.907
After all of that,[br]and after everything that happened,

0:09:01.911,0:09:05.721
I thought I would quite like[br]to know who I am again.

0:09:05.731,0:09:08.163
Because, and I think I'm not alone here,

0:09:08.170,0:09:13.988
if you're experiencing a Groundhog Day[br]when it comes to your dating life,

0:09:13.999,0:09:15.930
I think that the thing is

0:09:15.941,0:09:19.511
you think that it's[br]because you're meeting loads of players,

0:09:19.516,0:09:24.248
or nice guys finish last,[br]or you just haven't met the one yet,

0:09:24.248,0:09:26.361
or that dating is a numbers game,

0:09:26.553,0:09:27.774
but I think actually

0:09:27.787,0:09:32.306
these truisms that surround dating[br]aren't in fact true at all.

0:09:32.338,0:09:35.729
In fact, I think they lead us away[br]from what the real issue is.

0:09:35.982,0:09:39.657
Because the problem, and I know[br]this doesn't make for comfy listening,

0:09:39.826,0:09:43.807
the problem, it's with you, it's with me,

0:09:43.819,0:09:46.747
it's with our ridiculous ideas[br]around romance,

0:09:46.753,0:09:49.795
it's with our needs[br]that we haven't realized yet,

0:09:50.161,0:09:53.023
it's with our past[br]that we don't want to talk about,

0:09:53.275,0:09:54.466
it's with our desires,

0:09:54.471,0:09:57.043
it's with our inability[br]to get through one day

0:09:57.049,0:09:59.241
with[out] picking up our smartphones,

0:09:59.242,0:10:00.773
and it's with what we value.

0:10:01.338,0:10:04.100
So I decided after all of that -[br]I was like, you know what,

0:10:04.101,0:10:05.959
I'm done with Groundhog Day in love,

0:10:05.966,0:10:08.963
I actually want to discover[br]a bit more about myself.

0:10:09.248,0:10:12.282
Because the truth is,[br]I wasn't even born Hayley Quinn.

0:10:13.167,0:10:14.486
Right!? Right!?

0:10:14.490,0:10:16.816
I chose that name,[br]I thought it sounded cool.

0:10:19.422,0:10:21.710
I was actually born Hayley Whittle.

0:10:21.714,0:10:25.187
And when I was born -[br]I grew up in a poor family,

0:10:25.189,0:10:26.641
my parents were disabled,

0:10:26.651,0:10:29.560
I was really teased at school a lot[br]for being the weird girl,

0:10:29.561,0:10:31.581
I used to work as a dishwasher,

0:10:32.108,0:10:36.176
and because of that, there was[br]so much pain and shame in my past

0:10:36.184,0:10:38.095
I just didn't want to touch it.

0:10:38.095,0:10:40.067
And the way I ran away from it

0:10:40.077,0:10:44.147
is I ran away from it[br]with love and with fantasy.

0:10:44.357,0:10:47.739
But I decided after all that running,[br]I wasn't really getting anywhere,

0:10:47.747,0:10:51.127
I was just re-creating the same mistakes[br]time and time again.

0:10:51.127,0:10:52.821
So I thought I'd better stop.

0:10:52.826,0:10:55.143
I was like I want[br]to actually feel something.

0:10:55.773,0:10:59.370
And I can tell you,[br]when I stopped, I did feel.

0:10:59.816,0:11:03.301
I think I cried every single day[br]for the first month

0:11:03.301,0:11:04.451
on the phone to my Mum,

0:11:04.875,0:11:06.089
which was awkward

0:11:06.095,0:11:09.508
because I hadn't really spoken to her[br]for about a decade at that stage.

0:11:09.763,0:11:11.084
And then I'd come home,

0:11:11.088,0:11:13.898
and I'd come home[br]to this empty, dirty house,

0:11:13.904,0:11:17.119
with no guy and no baby[br]and no possessions left in it.

0:11:17.519,0:11:19.612
And then some days I'd wake up

0:11:19.617,0:11:24.119
and the pain would be so bad[br]that it felt like my heart was burning.

0:11:24.122,0:11:28.157
And to resist the temptation[br]at that stage to not reach out

0:11:28.342,0:11:33.129
and take that little plaster of dating[br]or love or some attention

0:11:33.129,0:11:35.479
to fix how I was feeling

0:11:35.778,0:11:37.283
was really hard.

0:11:37.312,0:11:39.741
But gradually, you know what?

0:11:39.751,0:11:43.033
A great thing happened,[br]is that I came back into the room,

0:11:43.339,0:11:46.545
I became aware again,[br]my mind started to work,

0:11:46.556,0:11:48.407
I reconnected with my family,

0:11:48.417,0:11:50.760
the friends that were left[br]were the good ones,

0:11:50.773,0:11:54.576
and I stopped being so obsessed[br]with going out every night of the week

0:11:54.576,0:11:57.566
or whether someone had read[br]my messages on WhatsApp.

0:11:58.180,0:11:59.476
And so that's why,

0:11:59.479,0:12:01.338
if you're listening to what I'm saying,

0:12:01.346,0:12:03.453
if you even see a shadow of yourself,

0:12:03.454,0:12:07.165
a little shadow of your story[br]in my ridiculous life,

0:12:08.159,0:12:10.713
I would advise just taking[br]a time to take that pause,

0:12:10.723,0:12:13.978
and I'm going to tell you why,[br]I'm actually going to sell it to you.

0:12:13.985,0:12:15.766
So here I go, first things first:

0:12:16.093,0:12:21.712
when you come home and your evening plans[br]are make chicken soup and read a book,

0:12:22.132,0:12:25.378
this no longer sounds bad,[br]this sounds awesome.

0:12:26.447,0:12:27.883
Although I'd like to point out

0:12:27.890,0:12:30.947
my chicken soup literally still has[br]the consistency of porridge,

0:12:30.949,0:12:32.137
it's so bad.

0:12:32.140,0:12:33.843
Work in progress! Work in progress!

0:12:34.654,0:12:35.678
Second thing,

0:12:35.687,0:12:38.305
when you stop waiting[br]for your prince or your princess

0:12:38.312,0:12:42.149
to come crashing through the door[br]and save you and solve your life,

0:12:42.177,0:12:44.559
you start kind of living[br]in the here and now more.

0:12:44.560,0:12:46.373
And when you live in the here and now,

0:12:46.379,0:12:48.895
you become more grounded,[br]you become more confident,

0:12:48.895,0:12:50.449
you become stronger.

0:12:50.974,0:12:53.274
You also become more self-aware.

0:12:53.275,0:12:54.454
And when you're aware,

0:12:54.454,0:12:56.705
you become more aware of[br]the people around you.

0:12:56.705,0:12:58.617
And you know what I saw, and what I see?

0:12:58.634,0:13:03.458
I see people running away all the time,[br]every single day of their lives.

0:13:03.622,0:13:05.288
And then you see those situations,

0:13:05.295,0:13:07.840
and you have the foresight[br]to step back for a change

0:13:07.845,0:13:09.297
rather than get involved.

0:13:09.694,0:13:12.640
I also learned that life[br]is pretty dramatic as it is,

0:13:12.651,0:13:14.777
and it throws you plenty of challenges,

0:13:14.780,0:13:17.535
so you don't really need[br]to create any more

0:13:17.538,0:13:18.919
and go out there on a mission

0:13:18.926,0:13:20.063
to have more drama,

0:13:20.071,0:13:21.292
you can just leave it.

0:13:21.294,0:13:24.786
I also finally realized,

0:13:24.796,0:13:28.415
you know, well, those people[br]say to you, they say,

0:13:28.419,0:13:33.071
you need to be alone, or be by yourself,[br]before you can meet someone else.

0:13:33.578,0:13:35.983
I used to think those people were boring;

0:13:36.003,0:13:39.784
now I think they're right,[br]they're definitely, probably right.

0:13:41.342,0:13:46.029
Because I think, sometimes, actually,[br]when we actually confront our aloneness,

0:13:46.036,0:13:48.517
and we start to deal[br]with our needs and the past

0:13:48.522,0:13:49.919
and all that horrible pain

0:13:49.925,0:13:53.830
that, you know, as people, we just collect[br]and carry with us throughout our lives,

0:13:53.838,0:13:56.694
when we deal with that,[br]and we're not running from it

0:13:56.719,0:13:58.692
in endless people or endless dates,

0:13:58.707,0:14:01.067
when we don't have anything[br]to prove anymore,

0:14:01.075,0:14:05.786
when you don't need a destructive,[br]ridiculous on-off relationship

0:14:05.792,0:14:09.430
in order to feel alive,[br]in order to feel like you exist,

0:14:10.011,0:14:12.251
when you can just be,

0:14:12.795,0:14:15.045
I kind of actually think that's real love.

0:14:15.384,0:14:16.885
Thanks very much.

0:14:17.037,0:14:20.195
(Applause)