1
00:00:18,669 --> 00:00:21,177
So let me tell you a love story.

2
00:00:21,177 --> 00:00:24,297
Once upon a time, not so long ago,

3
00:00:24,308 --> 00:00:28,628
in a land I Googled
to be 5,172 miles away,

4
00:00:29,744 --> 00:00:32,772
I met a guy, and he was perfect.

5
00:00:32,772 --> 00:00:34,739
So I'll tell you the meeting story.

6
00:00:34,741 --> 00:00:39,734
I'd just taped this really cool TV show
about experimenting with your sexuality,

7
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,431
and I met him at the after-party

8
00:00:41,431 --> 00:00:44,668
through one of our famous
friends who was a DJ.

9
00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,097
He was tall, dark, handsome,

10
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:48,672
kind of a rock star,

11
00:00:48,675 --> 00:00:51,835
and a little bit emotionally unavailable.

12
00:00:51,839 --> 00:00:54,509
Very soon, we were spending
all of our time together.

13
00:00:54,509 --> 00:00:59,072
We threw these really cool parties
for all of our cool friends,

14
00:00:59,072 --> 00:01:01,569
we went backstage at every festival,

15
00:01:01,699 --> 00:01:03,371
and, when my hands were cold,

16
00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:06,438
he would take them under his arms
to warm them up.

17
00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:08,780
He was my best friend,

18
00:01:08,787 --> 00:01:10,911
and I thought we would be
together forever.

19
00:01:11,282 --> 00:01:13,485
And so strong was that belief

20
00:01:13,637 --> 00:01:17,100
that when the warning signs came,
I just ignored them.

21
00:01:18,102 --> 00:01:21,191
Until the day that I couldn't
ignore them anymore.

22
00:01:21,779 --> 00:01:23,548
I'd become quite unwell,

23
00:01:23,548 --> 00:01:25,145
I wasn't so pretty anymore,

24
00:01:25,145 --> 00:01:28,429
and I definitely couldn't go out
to any of the parties.

25
00:01:28,429 --> 00:01:32,240
In fact, I was, for the first time
in my life, actually vulnerable

26
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,040
because I was miscarrying our baby.

27
00:01:35,331 --> 00:01:37,764
And at that point,
when I was at my weakest,

28
00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:39,267
he left.

29
00:01:40,406 --> 00:01:41,718
It's not a joke.

30
00:01:42,211 --> 00:01:43,983
Ah ha, um -

31
00:01:44,657 --> 00:01:46,766
Coming downstairs - and you you know what,

32
00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:50,113
but I would have followed him
out of the door to the ends of Earth.

33
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,618
But I couldn't get out of my bed.

34
00:01:52,636 --> 00:01:56,717
When I did get up, I found
that our house had been stripped bare.

35
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:58,916
The paintings were gone from the walls,

36
00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:02,312
and the rooms that we used
to dance in together were empty.

37
00:02:03,308 --> 00:02:07,212
I walked around those rooms
like an animal, howling.

38
00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:12,272
Picking myself up
off the literal floor that day,

39
00:02:12,286 --> 00:02:13,534
I had to recognize

40
00:02:13,543 --> 00:02:17,043
that after all of this excitement
and this joy and this fantasy,

41
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:19,107
at the end of all that love,

42
00:02:19,111 --> 00:02:21,111
I had nothing.

43
00:02:21,479 --> 00:02:22,683
And you know what,

44
00:02:22,699 --> 00:02:26,591
that wasn't even the first time
something like that had happened to me.

45
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,797
I was a magnet for chaos.

46
00:02:29,814 --> 00:02:31,529
I liked chaos,

47
00:02:31,546 --> 00:02:32,894
because when I was in chaos,

48
00:02:32,899 --> 00:02:35,842
I didn't have to confront
anything about who I was.

49
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:39,480
Truthfully, I hadn't known
who I was for years.

50
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:41,218
Because on the floor that day,

51
00:02:41,220 --> 00:02:44,069
I did have someone, I had myself.

52
00:02:44,069 --> 00:02:45,365
But for a long time,

53
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:47,827
that had come to feel like,
it, well, meant nothing,

54
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,441
and it was invaluable.

55
00:02:50,844 --> 00:02:52,710
So I know it seems a bit self-indulgent

56
00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:53,943
to come out here today

57
00:02:53,945 --> 00:02:57,021
and talk to you guys
about, like, effectively a break-up story,

58
00:02:57,027 --> 00:02:59,264
but it was one of a chain
of many incidences

59
00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:01,941
that made me think, "Maybe there's
other people like me,

60
00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:05,938
maybe there's other people that aren't
approaching love in the right way."

61
00:03:06,997 --> 00:03:09,330
Because I think
we've all had experiences, right?

62
00:03:09,349 --> 00:03:12,089
They look like love, they feel like love,

63
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:15,639
but when you open them up,
there's nothing loving about them.

64
00:03:16,285 --> 00:03:17,980
But we continued to chase love,

65
00:03:17,985 --> 00:03:19,666
because I think love is sold to us

66
00:03:19,672 --> 00:03:22,972
as almost like the ultimate
solution to ourselves:

67
00:03:22,979 --> 00:03:25,626
the things that makes our past okay,

68
00:03:25,629 --> 00:03:27,834
that gives us the direction
for the future,

69
00:03:27,839 --> 00:03:31,086
and imbues our everyday
reality with meaning.

70
00:03:31,272 --> 00:03:33,096
I think love can be beautiful,

71
00:03:33,103 --> 00:03:35,015
I think it can be exciting;

72
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:39,269
but I think sometimes
it can also be an act of escapism.

73
00:03:39,877 --> 00:03:42,119
And I've had a long time
to think about this,

74
00:03:42,141 --> 00:03:43,865
as the introduction said,

75
00:03:43,872 --> 00:03:49,246
I am the artist formerly known
as the UK's leading dating expert.

76
00:03:50,822 --> 00:03:53,904
And before that I was a ghost writer
in the pickup industry,

77
00:03:53,911 --> 00:03:57,012
and I vlog about the reality
of love on my YouTube.

78
00:03:57,326 --> 00:03:59,566
And now I have a completely
different approach,

79
00:03:59,569 --> 00:04:02,763
a very minimalist strategy
when it comes to dating.

80
00:04:02,863 --> 00:04:04,722
And that's really because I'm concerned

81
00:04:04,725 --> 00:04:05,979
that in our quest for love

82
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,677
sometimes it can be
the ultimate distraction

83
00:04:08,685 --> 00:04:10,525
to fixing ourselves

84
00:04:10,535 --> 00:04:13,456
and doing the real work
that will actually make us happy.

85
00:04:13,474 --> 00:04:14,939
Because, don't get me wrong,

86
00:04:14,946 --> 00:04:19,284
I think that the desire for attachment,
for intimacy, for security, for love,

87
00:04:19,285 --> 00:04:22,577
those goals are natural,
they're human, and they're good.

88
00:04:22,586 --> 00:04:26,169
But I think sometimes the way
we go about them is a bit weird,

89
00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:30,842
whether that's crazy, ridiculous,
on-off, destructive relationships,

90
00:04:30,847 --> 00:04:33,713
or needing to go out on a date
every single night of the week

91
00:04:33,713 --> 00:04:35,436
with a different person.

92
00:04:35,436 --> 00:04:37,661
You know, like the hip form of dating,

93
00:04:37,661 --> 00:04:39,815
where you have someone on the back burner,

94
00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:41,257
someone on the front burner,

95
00:04:41,257 --> 00:04:42,682
someone under the grill,

96
00:04:42,686 --> 00:04:45,519
and then someone else
over there in the freezer

97
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:46,537
(Laughter)

98
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:50,059
just in case, God forbid,
you spend a night by yourself.

99
00:04:51,796 --> 00:04:56,327
In this, it feels really like
loneliness is the driver,

100
00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:58,626
or escapism is the driver,

101
00:04:58,656 --> 00:04:59,921
not love.

102
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:03,658
So, I'm kind of starting
to preach the opposite belief now,

103
00:05:03,665 --> 00:05:06,728
that, of course, the answer 
lies not in another person,

104
00:05:06,736 --> 00:05:08,387
but within yourself.

105
00:05:08,398 --> 00:05:10,700
Because I think, sometimes,
the melodrama of love

106
00:05:10,707 --> 00:05:13,768
takes us further away,
rather than closer,

107
00:05:13,777 --> 00:05:15,305
to who we actually are.

108
00:05:15,312 --> 00:05:17,446
So I find that my dating advice

109
00:05:17,453 --> 00:05:20,197
is gradually shrinking down
to be essentially:

110
00:05:20,216 --> 00:05:22,069
go meditate,
get some therapy,

111
00:05:22,074 --> 00:05:23,292
read a book.

112
00:05:23,292 --> 00:05:25,160
Ha, ha.
(Laughter)

113
00:05:25,176 --> 00:05:26,525
It's not what you would call

114
00:05:26,547 --> 00:05:29,904
a sexy strategy
for the millennial generation.

115
00:05:30,929 --> 00:05:34,796
A generation that is used to
4G download speeds,

116
00:05:34,814 --> 00:05:36,523
skyping a friend abroad,

117
00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:40,618
and Netflix and chill with someone
you just met from Tinder.

118
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:43,037
(Laughter)

119
00:05:44,657 --> 00:05:46,197
Um -

120
00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:50,669
So I think when we're used to expecting
everything we want right here, right now,

121
00:05:50,711 --> 00:05:54,595
when we can't just vend
an automatic level of human connection,

122
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:57,750
we not only feel
like we're getting it wrong,

123
00:05:57,753 --> 00:06:01,029
but like we're not getting
what we're entitled to.

124
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,673
And then you just take
one look at Instagram:

125
00:06:03,673 --> 00:06:05,986
everybody else has it sorted out.

126
00:06:05,988 --> 00:06:08,610
And we sort of live in the culture
that surrounds us,

127
00:06:08,617 --> 00:06:11,883
telling us that we should
have fallen in love or be falling in love,

128
00:06:11,889 --> 00:06:14,340
or at least have had great sex, right?

129
00:06:14,351 --> 00:06:15,892
Like yesterday!?

130
00:06:17,769 --> 00:06:19,150
You know, let's face it,

131
00:06:19,155 --> 00:06:22,995
who actually enters into the arena of love

132
00:06:23,006 --> 00:06:26,459
looking to, maybe, become a better person,

133
00:06:26,465 --> 00:06:29,135
to be kinder, to have more integrity,

134
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:30,556
to get more grounded?

135
00:06:30,561 --> 00:06:31,861
No one does that.

136
00:06:31,865 --> 00:06:33,776
It's because our eyes are off ourselves,

137
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,608
we're looking for that next adventure,

138
00:06:35,617 --> 00:06:36,794
that greener grass,

139
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:37,989
that new person,

140
00:06:37,992 --> 00:06:40,429
so we don't have to deal with
any of that stuff.

141
00:06:40,705 --> 00:06:43,596
And I understand
how easily it happens, right?

142
00:06:43,606 --> 00:06:45,615
You just kind of meet someone sexy,

143
00:06:45,628 --> 00:06:46,987
I don't know where,

144
00:06:46,993 --> 00:06:51,289
maybe it was at a party, on the train,
or the Tube, as we would say in London.

145
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:54,658
Or maybe you just met them,
you both joined Tinder that day,

146
00:06:54,658 --> 00:06:55,968
how magical!

147
00:06:55,973 --> 00:06:58,087
(Laughter)

148
00:06:58,098 --> 00:07:01,354
And before too long, you realize
that you have some stuff in common,

149
00:07:01,361 --> 00:07:05,290
like wow, you both like
almond butter, Star Wars,

150
00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:09,786
you can name all four
Teenage Mutant Ninja Hero Turtles.

151
00:07:11,117 --> 00:07:13,741
And then, like, suddenly,
you're retelling how you met,

152
00:07:13,747 --> 00:07:17,655
like, this serendipitous coincidence
of cosmic proportions -

153
00:07:17,655 --> 00:07:20,885
it's like move over Romeo and Juliet.

154
00:07:21,338 --> 00:07:23,137
Not that that ended every well,

155
00:07:23,137 --> 00:07:25,277
let's all remember that.

156
00:07:28,985 --> 00:07:33,705
So, when you're thinking about you're not
exactly being Romeo and Juliet,

157
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,826
and we're actually living
in the real world,

158
00:07:35,839 --> 00:07:39,293
I think the thing is, the main sell,
when you kind of fall for someone,

159
00:07:39,306 --> 00:07:42,377
is it 's like: Yippee, I'm not
alone anymore.

160
00:07:42,386 --> 00:07:45,297
Hooray! Nailed it! Uh ha.

161
00:07:45,302 --> 00:07:46,971
Coz you get to - guess what you do?

162
00:07:46,974 --> 00:07:48,455
You get to go home every night,

163
00:07:48,455 --> 00:07:50,505
and you get to put
your head on the pillow,

164
00:07:50,507 --> 00:07:53,173
and you don't have to think about,
you know, your needs,

165
00:07:53,179 --> 00:07:55,280
your wants, your past,

166
00:07:55,284 --> 00:07:57,344
and, actually, kind of all the stuff

167
00:07:57,356 --> 00:08:00,269
that's really, probably,
stopping you from becoming happy,

168
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,972
because you're not fixing it.

169
00:08:01,974 --> 00:08:04,652
Instead, you get to be entrapped
by somebody else,

170
00:08:04,656 --> 00:08:05,935
you're intrigued by them,

171
00:08:05,949 --> 00:08:09,549
your mind has someone new
to spiral into and focus on.

172
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:13,123
But I think sometimes when you're focusing
on that perfect romance,

173
00:08:13,277 --> 00:08:15,136
you're not actually doing the real work

174
00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,878
to fix the stuff that's stopping you
from becoming happy.

175
00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:19,717
And because of that,

176
00:08:19,727 --> 00:08:22,498
I think that most of us,
when it comes to love and dating,

177
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:26,572
kind of need an epic timeout and reset.

178
00:08:26,585 --> 00:08:30,431
For myself, I did six months cold turkey.

179
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,246
No dating, no internet dating,

180
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:37,028
and I went to all of two parties.

181
00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:39,779
Literally, you could have
written up my love life

182
00:08:39,779 --> 00:08:41,784
on the back of a postage stamp,

183
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,586
it was that exciting.

184
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:47,522
And all this from the girl who used to -

185
00:08:47,535 --> 00:08:51,744
honestly, I used to pride myself
on having a ridiculous love life.

186
00:08:51,758 --> 00:08:54,368
The stories - if I was here
two years ago guys,

187
00:08:54,379 --> 00:08:57,294
I'd have told you some amazing stories.

188
00:08:58,197 --> 00:08:59,311
But you know what?

189
00:08:59,312 --> 00:09:01,907
After all of that,
and after everything that happened,

190
00:09:01,911 --> 00:09:05,721
I thought I would quite like
to know who I am again.

191
00:09:05,731 --> 00:09:08,163
Because, and I think I'm not alone here,

192
00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:13,988
if you're experiencing a Groundhog Day
when it comes to your dating life,

193
00:09:13,999 --> 00:09:15,930
I think that the thing is

194
00:09:15,941 --> 00:09:19,511
you think that it's
because you're meeting loads of players,

195
00:09:19,516 --> 00:09:24,248
or nice guys finish last,
or you just haven't met the one yet,

196
00:09:24,248 --> 00:09:26,361
or that dating is a numbers game,

197
00:09:26,553 --> 00:09:27,774
but I think actually

198
00:09:27,787 --> 00:09:32,306
these truisms that surround dating
aren't in fact true at all.

199
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,729
In fact, I think they lead us away
from what the real issue is.

200
00:09:35,982 --> 00:09:39,657
Because the problem, and I know
this doesn't make for comfy listening,

201
00:09:39,826 --> 00:09:43,807
the problem, it's with you, it's with me,

202
00:09:43,819 --> 00:09:46,747
it's with our ridiculous ideas
around romance,

203
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,795
it's with our needs
that we haven't realized yet,

204
00:09:50,161 --> 00:09:53,023
it's with our past
that we don't want to talk about,

205
00:09:53,275 --> 00:09:54,466
it's with our desire,

206
00:09:54,471 --> 00:09:57,043
it's with our inability
to get through one day

207
00:09:57,049 --> 00:09:59,241
with[out] picking up our smartphones,

208
00:09:59,242 --> 00:10:00,773
and it's with what we value.

209
00:10:01,338 --> 00:10:04,100
So I decided after all of that -
I was like, you know what,

210
00:10:04,101 --> 00:10:05,959
I'm done with Groundhog Day in love,

211
00:10:05,966 --> 00:10:08,963
I actually want to discover
a bit more about myself.

212
00:10:09,248 --> 00:10:12,282
Because the truth is,
I wasn't even born Hayley Quinn.

213
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:14,486
Right!? Right!?

214
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,816
I chose that name,
I thought it sounded cool.

215
00:10:19,422 --> 00:10:21,710
I was actually born Hayley Whittle.

216
00:10:21,714 --> 00:10:25,187
And when I was born -
I grew up in a poor family,

217
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,641
my parents were disabled,

218
00:10:26,651 --> 00:10:29,560
I was really teased at school a lot
for being the weird girl,

219
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,581
I used to work as a dishwasher,

220
00:10:32,108 --> 00:10:36,176
and because of that, there was
so much pain and shame in my past

221
00:10:36,184 --> 00:10:38,095
I just didn't want to touch it.

222
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:40,067
And the way I ran away from it

223
00:10:40,077 --> 00:10:44,147
is I ran away from it
with love and with fantasy.

224
00:10:44,357 --> 00:10:47,739
But I decided after all that running,
I wasn't really getting anywhere,

225
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:51,127
I was just re-creating the same mistakes
time and time again.

226
00:10:51,127 --> 00:10:52,821
So I thought I'd better stop.

227
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:55,143
I was like I want
to actually feel something.

228
00:10:55,773 --> 00:10:59,370
And I can tell you,
when I stopped, I did feel.

229
00:10:59,816 --> 00:11:03,301
I think I cried every single day
for the first month

230
00:11:03,301 --> 00:11:04,451
on the phone to my Mum,

231
00:11:04,875 --> 00:11:06,089
which was awkward

232
00:11:06,095 --> 00:11:09,508
because I hadn't really spoken to her
for about a decade at that stage.

233
00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:11,084
And then I'd come home,

234
00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:13,898
and I'd come home
to this empty, dirty house,

235
00:11:13,904 --> 00:11:17,119
with no guy and no baby
and no possessions left in it.

236
00:11:17,519 --> 00:11:19,612
And then some days I'd wake up

237
00:11:19,617 --> 00:11:24,119
and the pain would be so bad
that it felt like my heart was burning.

238
00:11:24,122 --> 00:11:28,157
And to resist the temptation
at that stage to not reach out

239
00:11:28,342 --> 00:11:33,129
and take that little plaster of dating
or love or some attention

240
00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:35,479
to fix how I was feeling

241
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,283
was really hard.

242
00:11:37,312 --> 00:11:39,741
But gradually, you know what?

243
00:11:39,751 --> 00:11:43,033
A great thing happened,
is that I came back into the room,

244
00:11:43,339 --> 00:11:46,545
I became aware again,
my mind started to work,

245
00:11:46,556 --> 00:11:48,407
I reconnected with my family,

246
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:50,760
the friends that were left
were the good ones,

247
00:11:50,773 --> 00:11:54,576
and I stopped being so obsessed
with going out every night of the week

248
00:11:54,576 --> 00:11:57,566
or whether someone had read
my messages on WhatsApp.

249
00:11:58,180 --> 00:11:59,476
And so that's why,

250
00:11:59,479 --> 00:12:01,338
if you're listening to what I'm saying,

251
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,453
if you even see a shadow of yourself,

252
00:12:03,454 --> 00:12:07,165
a little shadow of your story
in my ridiculous life,

253
00:12:08,159 --> 00:12:10,713
I would advise just taking
a time to take that pause,

254
00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:13,978
and I'm going to tell you why,
I'm actually going to sell it to you.

255
00:12:13,985 --> 00:12:15,766
So here I go, first things first:

256
00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:21,712
when you come home and your evening plans
are make chicken soup and read a book,

257
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:25,378
this no longer sounds bad,
this sounds awesome.

258
00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:27,883
Although I'd like to point out

259
00:12:27,890 --> 00:12:30,947
my chicken soup literally still has
the consistency of porridge,

260
00:12:30,949 --> 00:12:32,137
it's so bad.

261
00:12:32,140 --> 00:12:33,843
Work in progress! Work in progress!

262
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,678
Second thing,

263
00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:38,305
when you stop waiting
for your prince or your princess

264
00:12:38,312 --> 00:12:42,149
to come crashing through the door
and save you and solve your life,

265
00:12:42,177 --> 00:12:44,559
you start kind of living
in the here and now more.

266
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,373
And when you live in the here and now,

267
00:12:46,379 --> 00:12:48,895
you become more grounded,
you become more confident,

268
00:12:48,895 --> 00:12:50,449
you become stronger.

269
00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:53,274
You also become more self-aware.

270
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:54,454
And when you're aware,

271
00:12:54,454 --> 00:12:56,705
you become more aware of
the people around you.

272
00:12:56,705 --> 00:12:58,617
And you know what I saw, and what I see?

273
00:12:58,634 --> 00:13:03,458
I see people running away all the time,
every single day of their lives.

274
00:13:03,622 --> 00:13:05,288
And then you see those situations,

275
00:13:05,295 --> 00:13:07,840
and you have the foresight
to step back for a change

276
00:13:07,845 --> 00:13:09,297
rather than get involved.

277
00:13:09,694 --> 00:13:12,640
I also learned that life
is pretty dramatic as it is,

278
00:13:12,651 --> 00:13:14,777
and it throws you plenty of challenges,

279
00:13:14,780 --> 00:13:17,535
so you don't really need
to create any more

280
00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:18,919
and go out there on a mission

281
00:13:18,926 --> 00:13:20,063
to have more drama,

282
00:13:20,071 --> 00:13:21,292
you can just leave it.

283
00:13:21,294 --> 00:13:24,786
I also finally realized,

284
00:13:24,796 --> 00:13:28,415
you know, well, those people
say to you, they say,

285
00:13:28,419 --> 00:13:33,071
you need to be alone, or be by yourself,
before you can meet someone else.

286
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:35,983
I used to think those people were boring;

287
00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:39,784
now I think they're right,
they're definitely, probably right.

288
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:46,029
Because I think, sometimes, actually,
when we actually confront our aloneness,

289
00:13:46,036 --> 00:13:48,517
and we start to deal
with our needs and the past

290
00:13:48,522 --> 00:13:49,919
and all that horrible pain

291
00:13:49,925 --> 00:13:53,830
that, you know, as people, we just collect
and carry with us throughout our lives,

292
00:13:53,838 --> 00:13:56,694
when we deal with that,
and we're not running from it

293
00:13:56,719 --> 00:13:58,692
in endless people or endless dates,

294
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:01,067
when we don't have anything
to prove anymore,

295
00:14:01,075 --> 00:14:05,786
when you don't need a destructive,
ridiculous on-off relationship

296
00:14:05,792 --> 00:14:09,430
in order to feel alive,
in order to feel like you exist,

297
00:14:10,011 --> 00:14:12,251
when you can just be,

298
00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:15,045
I kind of actually think that's real love.

299
00:14:15,384 --> 00:14:16,885
Thanks very much.

300
00:14:17,037 --> 00:14:20,195
(Applause)