[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.64,0:00:10.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our top story tonight concerns the Internet, aka the electronic cat database.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.97,0:00:16.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But first, let's take just a moment together and appreciate how amazing the Internet is.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.69,0:00:23.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can use to file your taxes, apply for jobs ... you can go online right now, and buy a case of coyote urine.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.52,0:00:28.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know how difficult it used to be to obtain coyote urine?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.43,0:00:36.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You literally have to give a coyote Gatorade and then wait. It was a mess. The system was a mess.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.37,0:00:43.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, if you have tuned on the news recently, you may have heard some worrying references to the Internet changing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.26,0:00:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Federal Communications Commission has agreed to move forward on a proposal that could change the way we use the Internet.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.75,0:00:55.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At risk, the basic principle of net neutrality. Net neutrality. Net neutrality.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.08,0:01:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, "net neutrality". The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are "featuring Sting."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.43,0:01:11.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hearing people talk about it is somehow even worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.62,0:01:19.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As anticipated, the notice proposes to ground the net neutrality rules in section 706 of the telecommunications act of 1996.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.45,0:01:26.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh my god! That is the most boring thing I've ever seen. That is even boring by C-SPAN standards.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.85,0:01:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would rather read a book by Thomas Friedman than sit through that hearing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.14,0:01:36.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would rather listen to a pair of dockers tell me about the weird dream it had.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.35,0:01:46.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would rather sit down with my niece and watch Caillou, a children's show about a bald Canadian child who lives a live devoid of any incident.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.95,0:01:55.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck you, Caillou! Grow some hair and leave the house. Find out what the world is about, come on.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.63,0:02:05.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here is the thing. Net neutrality is actually hugely important. Essentially it means that all data has to be treated equally, no matter who created it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.49,0:02:11.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is why the Internet is a weirdly leveled playfield, and start-ups can supplant established brands.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.48,0:02:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was how Facebook supplanted MySpace, which supplanted Friendster, which supplanted actually having any friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.49,0:02:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you remember physically having friends? It was awful. You couldn't tap people's faces to make them go away.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.26,0:02:35.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The point is, the Internet in its current form is not broken. And the FCC is currently taking steps to fix that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.02,0:02:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The FCC is endorsing new rules that could clear the way for a two-tier system.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.66,0:02:45.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The rules will open the door for the first time for Internet providers like Comcast and Verizon to charge
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.96,0:02:52.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tech companies to send content to consumers more quickly. Netflix, for example, may pay a premium to ensure
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.67,0:02:59.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that its customers can stream movies more reliably, at a cost a start-up competitor may not be able to afford.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.89,0:03:08.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. This cannot happen. How else is my start-up streaming video service Nutflix going to compete?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.35,0:03:13.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's going to be America's one-stop-resource for videos of men getting hit in the nuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.73,0:03:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't even know you want it yet, that's why it is brilliant.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.42,0:03:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ending net neutrality will allow companies to buy their way into the fast lane, leaving everyone else in the slow lane.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.39,0:03:30.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although, telecom companies will prefer that you put it in a slightly different way.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.60,0:03:35.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you say fast lane and slow lane, it's a good illustration.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.63,0:03:41.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what you really should be taking about is a fast lane for everybody, and a hyper-speed lane for others.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.72,0:03:51.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bullshit! If we let cable companies offer two speeds of service, there won't be Usain Bolt and Usain Bolt on a motorbike,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.37,0:03:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there'll be Usain Bolt and Usain bolt-ed to an anchor.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.92,0:04:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And telecom companies will say they will never slow down a website speed in order to get more money out of them,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.72,0:04:12.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but let me tell you story. Recently Comcast was negotiating with Netflix. This graph shows Netflix download speed on various providers.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.14,0:04:17.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That black line plummeting downwards was their speed on Comcast during the negotiation.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.57,0:04:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See if you can guess when Netflix agreed to Comcast demands. I'll give you a hint: it is right there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.58,0:04:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That has all the ingredients of a mob shakedown: "Netflix, that show about life in a ladies' prison,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.75,0:04:41.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,such a shame if there was going to be something happening to your connection there. So frustrating that would be."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.19,0:04:47.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not just anti-corporate hippies who think abandoning net neutrality is a bad idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.80,0:04:54.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The net neutrality movement is leery of big corporate players, but in this debate is on the same side as some of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.39,0:05:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Google, Facebook, Netflix, Amazon, all signed on to this letter supporting net neutrality.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.06,0:05:08.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's being proposed is so egregious activists and corporations have been forced onto the same side.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.44,0:05:15.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's basically Lex Lutor knocking on Superman's apartment door: I know we had our differences,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.04,0:05:25.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we have to get rid of that asshole in apartment 3-B. He is too loud, Sup, he is just too loud!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.23,0:05:30.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you may wonder: look, if everyone is against it, how is it even possibly happening.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.96,0:05:38.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, consider who will benefit from this change: cable companies. Verizon wants a two-tier system so badly,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.02,0:05:42.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they sued the government to force the rule change that is currently being discussed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.46,0:05:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These companies have Washington in their pocket, to a conveniently, almost unbelievable degree.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.28,0:05:58.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Comcast has spent 18,810,000 dollars in lobbying last year. That is more than any other company, except for defence contractor Northrop Grumman.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.67,0:06:11.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So just to be clear. The ranking of who buys government influence is: #1, military-industrial complex, and #2, the provider of Lizard Lick Towing.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.93,0:06:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Look: I can show you the troublingly cozy relationship between cable companies and Washington in any number of ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.08,0:06:25.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can show you the president golfing with the CEO of Comcast. Or saying at a fundraiser at a cable executive house that
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.93,0:06:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's been there so many times that "The only think I haven't done in this house is have Seder dinner."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.52,0:06:34.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But perhaps the most succint way is this:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.95,0:06:41.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The president has picked Tom Wheeler, a former top-lobbiest for cable and wireless companies, to be the next chair of the Federal Communications Commission.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.94,0:06:51.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, the guy who used to run the cable industry's lobbying arm, is now running the agency tasked with regulating it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.38,0:06:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is the equivalent of needing a babysitter and hiring a dingo.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.65,0:07:11.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Thanks for stopping over. Make sure they're in bed by eight. There are 20 bucks on the table for kibble. Please don't eat my baby."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.13,0:07:22.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With the fact that they are practically overseeing their own oversight, it is hardly a surprise that the cable companies are basically monopolies now.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.18,0:07:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A federal study found that 96% of the population has access to two or fewer cable broadband providers.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.25,0:07:36.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is almost as if they would agree to stay out of each other's way like drug cartels. But hold on, that's not fair.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.94,0:07:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If hypothetically, a cable company like Comcast was planning to merge with a company like, let's say Time Warner,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.60,0:07:50.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's not like their CEO is going to sit down and mark who out who has which turf, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.12,0:07:55.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Both in video and in broadband, we don't compete with Time Warner. You have to start with that very fundamental point.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.73,0:07:59.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are in New York, we are in Philadelphia. They are in Los Angeles, we are in San Francisco.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.70,0:08:06.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't buy a Comcast in New York, you can't buy a Time Warner in Philadelphia, so there is no reduction in competition.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.15,0:08:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Exactly. You can't reduce competition when nobody is competing. You could not be describing a monopoly more clearly,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.83,0:08:25.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you were using a metal top hat while driving a metal car of the "winning second prize in a beauty contest."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.81,0:08:35.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe it's because of their lack of competition that they get away with providing such shitty service.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.90,0:08:42.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We pay more for our Internet service that almost everybody else on earth, and yet, the download speeds we get,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.77,0:08:52.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,lack behind Estonia, a country were from the look of it, they still worry about Shrek attacks.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.53,0:09:02.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it any wonder that in a massive recent customer satisfaction survey, Comcast and Time Warner cable came in dead last.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.25,0:09:06.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you look at the companies that were scored better than them, people were basically saying:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.64,0:09:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, Bank of America took my home. Yes, Taco Bell gave me diarrhea. And sure, GM tried to kill me.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.58,0:09:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Time Warner and Comcast are the worse. They are the worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.02,0:09:31.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that Cable companies will say, they support net neutrality protections.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.87,0:09:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or they remain committed to the open Internet, or "just the tip."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.96,0:09:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, let me remind you they also said they'll be at your house between 2 and 6 tomorrow afternoon,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.63,0:09:49.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and does any part of you who really expect them to fucking turn up.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.08,0:09:55.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, our government look set to end net neutrality and letting these companies run hog wild.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.94,0:10:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we are just gonna let me, and you know why, it all comes back to this.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.33,0:10:11.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seeks comment on ways to construe additional language on section 706 and even suggests using section 230-B to broaden the scope of the commission you serve's authority.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.16,0:10:15.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh my god, how are you still so dull.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.14,0:10:19.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's the problem: the cable companies have figured out the great truth of America.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.73,0:10:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.38,0:10:34.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Apple could put the entire text of Mein Kampf inside iTunes' user agreement. And you would just go: agree, agree.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.45,0:10:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's why advocates should not be talking about protecting net neutrality.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.60,0:10:47.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They shouldn't even use that phrase. They should call it: preventing cable company fuckery.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.56,0:10:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because that is what it is, and it might actually compel people to want to do something.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.16,0:10:59.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the interesting thing here is, there may actually be something you can still do.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.18,0:11:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The FCC will be taking public comment for 120 days.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.33,0:11:14.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's right, the FCC are actually inviting Internet comment at this address. And at this point, and I can't believe I'm about to do this,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.21,0:11:20.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would like to address Internet commenters out there directly.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.62,0:11:29.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good evening, monsters. This may be the moment you spent your whole life training for.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.62,0:11:36.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've been out there ferociously commenting on dance videos of adorable 3-years old, saying things like:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.05,0:11:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"every child could dance like this little loser after 1 week of practice."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.72,0:11:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or you've been poluting Frozen's "Let it go", with comments like "ice castle would give her hypothermia and she dead in an hour"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.68,0:11:54.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, and I know you've been in this one, commenting on videos of this show, saying:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.97,0:12:00.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Fuck this asshole anchor, go such ur presidents dick ur just friends with the terrorists."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.53,0:12:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I don't know what any of this means. But I don't think it is compliment.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.15,0:12:17.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this is the moment you were made for, commenters. Like Ralph Macchio, you've been honing your skills,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.20,0:12:25.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,waxing cars, and painting fences. Well guess what, now it is time to do some fucking karate.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.88,0:12:32.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For once in your life, we need you to channel that anger, that badly spelled bio,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.02,0:12:37.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you normally reserve for unforgivable attacks on actresses you seem to think have putted on weight,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.60,0:12:48.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or politicians you disagree with it, or photos of your ex-girlfriend getting on with her life, or non-white actors casted as fictional characters.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.46,0:12:58.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm talking to you RonPaulFan2016, and you, OneDirectionForever, and I'm talking to you OneDirectionSucksBalls,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.90,0:13:07.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need you to get out there, and for once in your life, focus your indiscriminate rage in a useful direction.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.20,0:13:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Seize your moment, my lovely childs, turn on CAPS LOCK,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.58,0:13:17.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,AND FLY MY PRETTIES. FLY, FLY, FLY!