>> I don't have an
MD or a law degree.

I have a bachelor's in
kicking butt and taking names.

>> What do you talk about?

>> I speak on behalf
of cigarettes.

>> My mommy says
cigarettes kill.

>> Now, is your mommy a doctor?

>> No.

>> Well, she doesn't
exactly sound

like a credible expert,
now, does she?

[music] We call ourselves
the mod squad --

M.O.D., merchants of death.

We're lobbyists for
the tobacco, alcohol,

and firearms industries.

How many alcohol-related
deaths a year?

>> Well, does that --

>> A hundred thousand?

>> That's what?

Two-hundred and seventy a day?

Tragedy. I front an organization
that kills 1200 people a day.

>> Dad, I want to
see what you do.

>> The message Hollywood
needs to send

out is "smoking is cool."

We can put the sex
back into cigarettes.

>> Get a flight to L.A.
I'll get you a meeting

with Hollywood super-agent
Jeff [inaudible].

>> Yeah, I'm going to
bring your dad in now.

Is there anything I could get
you, like an orange juice,

or a coffee, or a Red Bull?

>> No, thanks.

>> Okay.

>> Now what we need is a smoking
role model, a real winner.

>> Indiana Jones
meets Jerry McGuire.

>> Right, on two packs a day.

>> This spring, don't
hide the truth.

>> We don't sell Tic-Tacs;
we sell cigarettes.

And they're cool,
available, and addictive.

The job is almost done for us.

>> Just filter it.

>> The number-one killer
in America is cholesterol,

and here comes Senator
Finister [assumed spelling],

who's clogging the
nation's arteries

with Vermont cheddar cheese.

>> Ohhhhh.

>> The great state of
Vermont will not apologize

for its cheese.

>> What happens when
you're wrong?

>> See, Joey, that's
the beauty of argument:

is if you argue correctly,
you're never wrong.

>> This is a heated issue.

Nick, do you have a question?

>> How on earth would Big
Tobacco profit off the loss

of this young man?

It's in our best interest to
keep Robin alive and smoking.

>> [inaudible]

>> Heather Holloway.

My other interviews have
pinned you as a mass murderer,

bloodsucker, pimp, profiteer,
and my personal favorite:

yuppie Mephistopheles.

>> I'm a man of the people.

>> Rock on, Kennedy.

>> You're family now.

Tobacco takes care of its own.

>> Michael Jordan lays ball.

Charles Manson kills people.

I talk.

>> Thank you for smoking.

>> Sony has a futuristic sci-fi
movie they're looking to make.

>> Cigarettes in space.

>> It's the final
frontier, Nick.

>> But wouldn't they blow up
in an all-oxygen environment?

>> Probably.

But it's an easy fix.

One line of dialogue: Thank
God we invented the --

you know -- whatever-device.

[ MUSIC ]