>> I don't have an MD or a law degree.
I have a bachelor's in kicking butt and taking names.
>> What do you talk about?
>> I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
>> My mommy says cigarettes kill.
>> Now, is your mommy a doctor?
>> No.
>> Well, she doesn't exactly sound
like a credible expert, now, does she?
[music] We call ourselves the mod squad --
M.O.D., merchants of death.
We're lobbyists for the tobacco, alcohol,
and firearms industries.
How many alcohol-related deaths a year?
>> Well, does that --
>> A hundred thousand?
>> That's what?
Two-hundred and seventy a day?
Tragedy. I front an organization that kills 1200 people a day.
>> Dad, I want to see what you do.
>> The message Hollywood needs to send
out is "smoking is cool."
We can put the sex back into cigarettes.
>> Get a flight to L.A. I'll get you a meeting
with Hollywood super-agent Jeff [inaudible].
>> Yeah, I'm going to bring your dad in now.
Is there anything I could get you, like an orange juice,
or a coffee, or a Red Bull?
>> No, thanks.
>> Okay.
>> Now what we need is a smoking role model, a real winner.
>> Indiana Jones meets Jerry McGuire.
>> Right, on two packs a day.
>> This spring, don't hide the truth.
>> We don't sell Tic-Tacs; we sell cigarettes.
And they're cool, available, and addictive.
The job is almost done for us.
>> Just filter it.
>> The number-one killer in America is cholesterol,
and here comes Senator Finister [assumed spelling],
who's clogging the nation's arteries
with Vermont cheddar cheese.
>> Ohhhhh.
>> The great state of Vermont will not apologize
for its cheese.
>> What happens when you're wrong?
>> See, Joey, that's the beauty of argument:
is if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.
>> This is a heated issue.
Nick, do you have a question?
>> How on earth would Big Tobacco profit off the loss
of this young man?
It's in our best interest to keep Robin alive and smoking.
>> [inaudible]
>> Heather Holloway.
My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer,
bloodsucker, pimp, profiteer, and my personal favorite:
yuppie Mephistopheles.
>> I'm a man of the people.
>> Rock on, Kennedy.
>> You're family now.
Tobacco takes care of its own.
>> Michael Jordan lays ball.
Charles Manson kills people.
I talk.
>> Thank you for smoking.
>> Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
>> Cigarettes in space.
>> It's the final frontier, Nick.
>> But wouldn't they blow up in an all-oxygen environment?
>> Probably.
But it's an easy fix.
One line of dialogue: Thank God we invented the --
you know -- whatever-device.
[ MUSIC ]