[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.72,0:00:20.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hi.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.02,0:00:23.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm going to start my talk today
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.58,0:00:30.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by telling all of you that my biggest fear\Nis that I will never be loved for who I am
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.10,0:00:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a romantic relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.80,0:00:35.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, some of you are already going,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.38,0:00:37.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Obviously.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.40,0:00:39.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You are morbidly obese."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.48,0:00:42.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of you can see\Nthat I'm not wearing makeup.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.51,0:00:47.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of you can see that I have\Na bit of a strange sense of style.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.32,0:00:52.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyone who knows anything\Nabout African hair is wondering,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.57,0:00:56.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why haven't you covered it up\Nwith a weave or with braids
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.45,0:00:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or straightened it?" -
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.57,0:01:01.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the same ingredient\Nthat we use to unblock the shower drain.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.30,0:01:07.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm here to tell you\Nthat this is not a superficial problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.04,0:01:10.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went and searched on Google,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.08,0:01:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I found out\Nthat when people look at me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.52,0:01:18.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they expect me to be good\Nat relationships because I'm a woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.97,0:01:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even worse,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.24,0:01:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they think I'm supposed to be "nurturing"\Nand have nesting instincts.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.99,0:01:31.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm here to tell you\NI am terrible at relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.64,0:01:33.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and managing relationships.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.16,0:01:39.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I find interacting with people\Nin real life inefficient and exhausting.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.30,0:01:43.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm also totally undomesticated:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.60,0:01:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it takes me a month to do the same chores\Nthat other people get done in a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.67,0:01:52.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I was in medical school,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.53,0:01:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I learned that we each\Nonly get one biological mother,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.02,0:02:00.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when she stops cooking,\Ncleaning, doing your laundry,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.05,0:02:02.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and nagging you to look after yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.48,0:02:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.50,0:02:06.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't become my job\Nbecause I'm a woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.35,0:02:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And anyway, I don't like\Ndoing that stuff for myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.68,0:02:12.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So why should I do it for someone else
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.67,0:02:15.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I could be playing\Nthe latest Call of Duty?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.32,0:02:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.94,0:02:23.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I also find the idea of living\Nwith someone a bit ridiculous,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.38,0:02:26.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, I mean, if Superman\Nhad a fortress of solitude,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.65,0:02:29.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,surely everyone can understand\Nthat I need one,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.72,0:02:30.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.71,0:02:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have what used to be called\NAsperger's syndrome,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.38,0:02:41.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is just a high-functioning\Nform of autism.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.49,0:02:45.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you can read up\Nsome of the specifics after this talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.62,0:02:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think the main point
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.13,0:02:53.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I'm great at learning information\Nthat's presented in a logical way,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.16,0:02:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like human physiology,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.24,0:02:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm terrible at creating systems\Nin the real world,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.94,0:03:01.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like putting objects correctly\Ninto a cupboard,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.02,0:03:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there's no formula for that
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.13,0:03:06.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I need a formula.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.25,0:03:08.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.24,0:03:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, it wouldn't be so bad,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.20,0:03:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as a woman with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.84,0:03:16.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the problem that I find\Nwith the rest of the world
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.21,0:03:21.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is when people talk about people\Nwho are nerdy, intelligent,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.11,0:03:22.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,socially awkward,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.64,0:03:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,socially isolated,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.38,0:03:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who are obsessed with computer games,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.51,0:03:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but who can't look after themselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.06,0:03:32.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're always talking about men.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.56,0:03:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So even if I'm honest about it,\Npeople just don't get it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.85,0:03:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought the best way to talk\Nabout being a woman with autism
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.25,0:03:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to talk about dating, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.06,0:03:49.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's go back to how I started, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.38,0:03:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's go back to my biggest fear\Nand where it came from.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.100,0:03:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was about 12
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.16,0:03:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I started noticing that people formed\Nthese primitive sort of peer bonds.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.92,0:04:04.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Somehow, due to some\Nmagic series of events,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.39,0:04:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a boy and a girl would come into school
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.82,0:04:10.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and announce that they were now\N"boyfriend" and "girlfriend."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.08,0:04:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They would, you know, exchange letters,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.91,0:04:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they would be seen together\Nbetween classes,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.32,0:04:20.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it seemed like a great arrangement
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.91,0:04:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when they were\Nin this, you know, "relationship,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.34,0:04:26.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they were happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.40,0:04:30.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when they went through\Nwhat was called a breakup,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.96,0:04:34.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they were sad\Nand even cruel to each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.17,0:04:36.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought, "Oh, yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.76,0:04:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I totally want some of this\Nboyfriend and girlfriend action."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.95,0:04:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.25,0:04:45.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I sat down and I catalogued\Nall the boys in my class,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.04,0:04:49.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I looked for the ones who looked\Nlike the lead singer of Extreme -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.66,0:04:51.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're the band who sang\N"More Than Words,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.73,0:04:52.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if anyone knows them -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.89,0:04:56.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this seemed\Nlike a good criteria at the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.68,0:05:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I selected a test subject\Nwho met the eligibility criteria
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.98,0:05:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then observed them\Nin formal and informal settings,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.59,0:05:08.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would jot down my observations.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.01,0:05:13.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know, after a few weeks,\NI'd review them,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.16,0:05:15.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,write them up in the form of a report
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.51,0:05:19.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then deliver that to the test subject\Nwith the obvious conclusion
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.34,0:05:22.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that based on my excellent observations,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.20,0:05:27.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we would make a great\N"boyfriend and girlfriend partnership."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.45,0:05:28.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.61,0:05:29.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.81,0:05:31.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.31,0:05:37.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And for the life of me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.10,0:05:42.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could not understand why\Nthis rational approach always failed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.67,0:05:43.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.22,0:05:45.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, okay, to be fair,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.97,0:05:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be fair,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.17,0:05:48.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there were other issues.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.55,0:05:52.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a black and native\NEnglish-speaking girl
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.01,0:05:54.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growing up in South Africa
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.79,0:05:57.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the mid to late 1990s.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.91,0:06:01.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, the South African black people\Ncalled me horrible names,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.83,0:06:02.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like "coconut" -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.94,0:06:06.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means you're brown on the outside\Nand white on the inside -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.57,0:06:08.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or they said I was "too masculine,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.40,0:06:11.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or they said I was\N"too intelligent," right?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.69,0:06:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then, on the other hand,\Nyou had white people
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.02,0:06:19.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who thought that dating me was "immoral"\Nor "disgusting" or "embarrassing."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.89,0:06:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, you had all these people\Nin between who were like,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.62,0:06:26.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Just leave us out of it, please;\Nwe don't want to be involved."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.56,0:06:30.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even after coming to Germany,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.29,0:06:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I've had the benefit of meeting\Nvery educated and very liberal people,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.74,0:06:37.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things have gotten better,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.05,0:06:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the autism-related\Ndifficulties are still there.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.54,0:06:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So anyway, for about 20 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.79,0:06:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tried many different things
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.15,0:06:51.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try and achieve this\N"boyfriend and girlfriend status."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.71,0:06:55.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the most ambitious things I did\Nwas learning how to code,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.47,0:06:58.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I really believed
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.71,0:07:01.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the guy that I liked\Nwas going to walk into the computer labs
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.100,0:07:04.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was going to go, "Damn!"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.81,0:07:06.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.56,0:07:10.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"That is some sexy syntax\Nyou've got going there!"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.65,0:07:11.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.01,0:07:14.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.45,0:07:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Obviously, he was going to sweep me\Ninto his arms and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.28,0:07:24.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I've never met anyone like you!"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.74,0:07:28.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would feel faint, the light\Nwould shine down from heaven,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.22,0:07:30.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,angels would start singing,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.52,0:07:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course, we would live\Nhappily ever after.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.59,0:07:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.09,0:07:40.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did get more practical as time went on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.59,0:07:42.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.69,0:07:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another thing I did was to study,\Nyou know, dating self-help books
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.57,0:07:48.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for like four years
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.72,0:07:51.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because now, dating was a degree,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.20,0:07:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was trying to, you know,\Npass the course.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.82,0:07:58.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this was actually useful
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.15,0:08:03.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I learnt\Nthat as a woman with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.25,0:08:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,eye contact is unbearable for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.61,0:08:07.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this eye-contact thing
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.02,0:08:10.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is where this whole boyfriend\Nand girlfriend thing starts
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.71,0:08:12.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the first place.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.58,0:08:19.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunately, failing over and over again\Nwas really difficult for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.20,0:08:21.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in the end, I would end up going,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.29,0:08:23.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Crying) "Oh, he doesn't like me!
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.44,0:08:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Crying) Ah, it's not fair!"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.100,0:08:30.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I would eat to relieve my frustration.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.64,0:08:32.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, at one stage,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.49,0:08:36.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my comfort food was an entire apple pie,\Nwith, you know, cream.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.39,0:08:48.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now that I have tried\Nto live with the diagnosis openly,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.43,0:08:51.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand the problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.57,0:08:56.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I want to develop\Nemotional intimacy with people
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.76,0:08:58.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have them know me for who I am,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.90,0:09:00.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to be honest,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.97,0:09:03.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this means saying things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.28,0:09:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ah, actually, I find physical\Nstimulation unpleasant,"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.33,0:09:14.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, say, "I can't go to a restaurant\Nbecause the way cutlery goes -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.71,0:09:18.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes me feel like\Nmy ear drums are bleeding."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.59,0:09:22.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And saying things like this to people -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.01,0:09:25.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, being honest about it\Nmakes people think,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.43,0:09:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, well, I mean,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.91,0:09:29.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,clearly you don't want\Na serious relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.92,0:09:34.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is sad because\Nas a woman with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.38,0:09:38.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of learning\Nthat dating is fun, exciting,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.42,0:09:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,leads to long-term partnership,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.21,0:09:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I learnt that dating leads to rejection,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.36,0:09:45.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,coercion,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.83,0:09:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,arguments,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.35,0:09:48.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,abuse,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.96,0:09:50.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sadness,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.75,0:09:52.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the end of the day,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.50,0:09:56.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everyone else made me feel\Nlike I was unworthy of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.08,0:09:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just because I was "too different."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.70,0:10:00.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And on the other hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.36,0:10:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't find a rational argument
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.84,0:10:09.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to explain away this feeling of wanting\Nto connect intimately with people
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.48,0:10:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, I mean, wanting love\Nis something common to all of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.59,0:10:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether you have autism or not.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.94,0:10:20.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm really very glad
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.02,0:10:24.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I've had this opportunity\Nto say this talk to all of you today
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.68,0:10:27.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's been so therapeutic.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.56,0:10:29.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.68,0:10:34.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even medical professionals\Nand psychologists will cut me off
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.98,0:10:37.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I try and talk\Nabout this stuff and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.76,0:10:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ah, don't worry, don't worry.\NYou'll figure it out."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.26,0:10:43.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, I mean, I'm 35 now.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.70,0:10:46.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When, exactly? You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.24,0:10:50.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's talk about some ways\Nthat people can meet me in the middle,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.55,0:10:56.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I know that I'm not the only woman\Nwho struggles with this.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.26,0:10:58.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the problem is other women\Ndon't want to talk about it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.02,0:11:03.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's embarrassing\Nto suck so badly at something
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.40,0:11:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that everybody else around you\Nthinks is completely natural.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.10,0:11:08.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.13,0:11:10.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, the first thing I have to say
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.92,0:11:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is if you want to date\Nsomeone with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.74,0:11:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please go and read up about it first.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.41,0:11:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It saves so much hassle.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.22,0:11:25.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You'll react with\Nunderstanding and sympathy
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.33,0:11:27.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of with rejection and ridicule.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.98,0:11:30.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Secondly,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.48,0:11:34.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wish I could meet someone\Nwho'd have a no-talking date with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.07,0:11:35.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that means
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.38,0:11:38.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we sit and communicate\Nusing handheld devices,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.96,0:11:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we're sitting\Nright next to each other,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.98,0:11:43.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so we still have the real-life connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.93,0:11:46.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you're wondering why,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.03,0:11:47.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you're wondering why,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.20,0:11:50.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is because for someone with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.49,0:11:55.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dealing with conversation is one of the\Nmost overwhelming things in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.76,0:11:58.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when I'm having a conversation,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.15,0:12:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm watching your body language,\Nwhich I don't really understand anyway.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.02,0:12:04.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, facial expressions -\Nit's all confusing.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.74,0:12:06.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm trying to listen\Nto what you're saying,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.79,0:12:10.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then I'm also trying to block out\Nall the sounds and the noise and cutlery -
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.68,0:12:11.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's going on.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.84,0:12:14.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm trying to read your lips\Nbecause I'm also trying to make sure
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.90,0:12:18.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if I miss anything that I can't hear,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.04,0:12:20.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've got to pick it up from your lips.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.60,0:12:22.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I've also got\Nto worry about myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.78,0:12:26.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to make sure that my own face\Nis in the right configuration to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.32,0:12:28.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, I'm having fun."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.33,0:12:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.92,0:12:32.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to edit what I'm saying
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.30,0:12:36.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that I make sure that I don't\Noffend you, you know, accidentally.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.28,0:12:41.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to monitor my own body language\Nand deal with my own discomfort
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.23,0:12:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because even sensory stimulation,\Nlike having smart clothes on,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.100,0:12:48.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is unbearable for me;
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.63,0:12:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's horrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.97,0:12:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I would, actually, truly,\Nrather be in my room,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.76,0:12:57.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, barefoot,\Nin front of my computer,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.11,0:13:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I make the effort to go out\Nand interact with people in person.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.48,0:13:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it would be nice\Nif people could meet me halfway.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.03,0:13:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think the next thing to say\Nis, please, verbalize.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.53,0:13:15.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know you guys all understand\Nwhat a wink or a head tilt means,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.76,0:13:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we barely even notice,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.44,0:13:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we even understand what you're doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.73,0:13:23.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ideally, you should say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.62,0:13:25.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm having a really good time with you,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.58,0:13:28.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd like to put my arm\Naround you now,"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.05,0:13:31.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that we can logically\Nprocess the information
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.25,0:13:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and prepare for the stimulation\Nthat's going to come,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.86,0:13:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of going, "Ew!\NTouching! Gross, gross!"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.40,0:13:47.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think the last point for me\Nis that you have to remember
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.26,0:13:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that someone who's a woman with autism\Nhas probably been traumatized
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.66,0:13:52.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the dating process.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.89,0:13:54.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.50,0:13:57.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't even know what being hit on was
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.13,0:13:59.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until I was a my mid-twenties.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.65,0:14:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if someone came up to me\Nin the supermarket
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.72,0:14:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, you know, in a public place
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.99,0:14:07.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and wouldn't leave me alone,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.68,0:14:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would, you know, scream and get upset
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.18,0:14:13.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought they were trying\Nto kidnap me or something.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.14,0:14:14.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.18,0:14:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And on the other hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.81,0:14:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now that I'm older\Nand I have more experience,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.64,0:14:21.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm afraid whenever someone\Nshows interest in me
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.02,0:14:26.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they expect me to have\Na huge amount of dating experience
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.17,0:14:28.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I just don't have.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.14,0:14:30.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a good example was, recently,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.46,0:14:36.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was dating someone who brought up\Nthe topic of moving in together
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.52,0:14:39.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just a few weeks into dating, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.19,0:14:42.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most other women\Nwould be like, "Yes! Score!"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.38,0:14:43.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.40,0:14:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And instead, I was like, (Crying) "Oh ...
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.22,0:14:49.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah, he doesn't like me!"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.53,0:14:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.54,0:14:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's something\Nthat you have to accept,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.99,0:14:56.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that these relationship milestones\Nare just going to take longer,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.95,0:14:59.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's something\Nthat everyone else has to deal with.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.51,0:15:04.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So after telling you all of this stuff\Nabout women with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.59,0:15:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why would you want to date them anyway?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.50,0:15:10.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We sound kind of complicated\Nand difficult, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.100,0:15:12.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, one good thing I can tell you
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.81,0:15:17.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I definitely regard the people\Nthat I'm in love with
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.12,0:15:21.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the sense of like child-like\Nadmiration and wonder.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.22,0:15:23.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of checking off, you know,\Npoints on a list, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.99,0:15:25.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is he going to be a good breadwinner?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.94,0:15:27.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.35,0:15:31.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I try and use my abilities\Nand my weirdness
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.07,0:15:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make life better for the other person
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.03,0:15:37.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I want to make up\Nfor not being a typical girlfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.61,0:15:42.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm loyal, I'm passionate,\Nand I'm intense.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.46,0:15:44.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a woman with autism,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.45,0:15:47.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I reward understanding,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.30,0:15:48.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,direct communication,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.86,0:15:50.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tolerance
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.74,0:15:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with unconditional love.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.99,0:15:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.26,0:15:55.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)