WEBVTT

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It's my first day of third grade,

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and I'm so excited because
we'd just moved to a new town,

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so this is an adventure:

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a new school, new friends and ...

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my brand-new pair of glasses.

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(Laughter)

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I'm on the playground,
and a kid walks up to me.

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He's about my size,
with this thick, bushy, blonde hair,

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and he says, "Hey, want to fight?"

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(Laughter)

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"No!"

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(Laughter)

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"Well, I do!"

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(Laughter)

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Next thing I know, I am in a headlock
and the punches are coming and coming,

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and I can feel my face
just being squeezed,

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and it feels like the hair
is being ripped out of my scalp!

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Now, I'm eight years old,
and getting beat up is new for me.

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Bam! Another hit, and another.

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Finally, I managed to twist loose.

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"My glasses!"

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They're broken.

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And he broke them.

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And all I can think to myself is ...

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run, get away as fast as I can,

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and that's what I did.

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I get home,

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my mom sits me in her lap,

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tears pour down my face,

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and she says, "Bub,

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you did the right thing to not fight back.

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You just turn the other cheek,

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and kids like that will leave you alone."

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Okay, Mom's always right, right?

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But in fourth grade, it was Colin,
with his red hair and freckles,

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and he didn't leave me alone.

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The next year, it was Greg,
with his tough-guy strut.

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In junior high, it was Santos,
our all-star running back,

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and then Robert, and then Dean ...

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In high school,

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it was this little punk, Raul,

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who would punch me every day
in the locker room,

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and I just took it.

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My friend Johnny said, "Stand up to him!"

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And Johnny was right,

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but I listened to Mom.

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And it didn't end with classmates.

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My senior year,

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my first adult bully showed up.

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We'd just moved to another new town,

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and so I'm the new kid again.

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And our basketball team
was ranked number one in state,

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and some were saying
that I was the best player on the team.

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That's me, number 14.

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But to Coach Reeves,

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I was an intruder on his team.

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And so, when I missed one layup

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in a first game,

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he benched me permanently.

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He told me a few days later

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it was up to me if I wanted to sit
on the bench for the rest of the season,

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or I can quit.

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I quit.

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I graduated from college,
got my first job and got bullied.

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I was bullied in my marriage.

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Seventeen years of marriage,
and not a single fight with my wife.

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Why?

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Because I just turned the other cheek.

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Until one day, all the problems exploded,

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and just like third grade,

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I ran away.

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Only now ...

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with three little girls of my own,

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what's broken ...

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is a lot more than a pair of glasses.

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We think of bullying as a childhood issue.

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Yes, and it is.

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And yet, the brutal reality is that
one of the greatest oppressors of our time

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is adult bullying.

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Now, what is adult bullying?

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Well,

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it's this.

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That is not a textbook
definition of bullying,

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and yet, I think the cartoon version
sometimes is clearer.

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A little sand in the face,

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and ...

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a little threat,

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just to remind you that you're nobody.

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And that plays out countless times
every day all over the world,

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in the workplace, when the boss says,

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"You want to keep your job?
You keep your mouth shut!"

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Or when a co-worker rudely walks in
late to your presentation

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just to throw you off your game.

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In a recent survey
of 2,000 adults across the US,

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31% said that they
had been bullied as adults.

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They surveyed 9,000 federal employees,

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and 57% said that they had been bullied
in the last two years.

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And yes, the government
has anti-bullying policy.

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And obviously, it's not confined
just to the workplace.

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Adult bullying is just as prevalent
at home, in marriages, in our communities,

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on the street if you've ever driven
in rush-hour traffic,

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in politics ...

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It's everywhere.

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And it isn't the external repercussions

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that are as significant as the internal
impact on the individual, the target,

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the victim.

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The emotional and psychological damage

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to self-worth, to confidence
and to dignitiy

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is enormous.

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I know because I was bullied
for most of my life.

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Not anymore.

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And through that journey,

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I learned three hard-hitting truths
about the oppression of adult bullying.

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The first truth is
just how personal it is.

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Now, adult bullying is not a big deal,

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if you've never been bullied.

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It's kind of like the difference
between major and minor surgery:

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if I have it, it's major;

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you have it, it's minor.

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Right? And that's the way
many people feel about bullying.

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They've never been bullied,
they can't relate,

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so it must not be that big of a deal.

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And anti-bullying policy
is typically created

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by those in positions of power
who've never been bullied.

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And yes, even when they tell you,

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"Oh ...

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Don't let it bother you,"

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that is personal.

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Psychotherapist Jenise Harmon
suggests that bullying is not about you.

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"You're not the one with the problems,

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so you shouldn't ever
take bullying personally."

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Excuse me, counselor,
with all due respect,

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when you're the one
getting punched every day,

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it's personal.

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When a co-worker accuses you
of saying something you didn't say,

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his problem just became your problem.

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When a bullying husband
tells his wife every day

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how worthless she is,

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it's personal.

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The second hard-hitting truth
about adult bullying

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is how helpless you feel.

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The real issue isn't the bullies;

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it's the fear, it's the feeling
of helplessness to do anything about it.

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It's this dark cloud
of constant shame and anxiety

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that suffocates self-worth,

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kills dreams,

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and can lead to depression

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and even suicide.

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For me, it was this feeling
that I couldn't stand up for myself.

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I would always do pretty well
at everything until conflict showed up,

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and then, I would back down,

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and I would run away.

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I coach salespeople,

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and one of the things
that I have discovered

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is that fear and personal insecurities
probably pushes more of us around

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than any other type of bullying.

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And for me, it was that feeling
that I just couldn't stand up for myself.

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I spent so much of my life
avoiding conflict,

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hiding in fear of bullies,

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that my greatest bully
had become the fear itself.

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And either way, the impact
is just as devastating.

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The third truth

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of adult bullying

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is how fixable it is.

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Now, all the talk about anti-bullying
policy and safe spaces hasn't worked,

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and it won't work.

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Why?

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Because bullying pays off for the bully,

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and because bullies aren't stupid,
they're not going to play by the rules.

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They don't target you
when you're in the safe space.

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A lot of times,

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the bullies are the ones in power.

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So,

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there is no safe space.

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The solution is not external;

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the solution is internal,

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here.

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Bullying will never be stopped
at the corporate or policy level.

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Bullying can only be stopped
at the individual level.

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All the research confirms
what nobody wants to admit:

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bullying can only be stopped here.

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Just like the problem is personal,

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so is the solution.

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And that's what Skinny
finally figured out.

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After his day of humiliation at the beach,
he decided to do something about it.

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Now, he didn't do it alone.

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He found somebody to help him.

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(Laughter)

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In this case, Mr. Charles Atlas,
with his leopard speedo.

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(Laughter)

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And he armed himself.

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Now, what the cartoon doesn't show us

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is all the hard work
required to get there.

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And make no mistake about it,
becoming bully-proof is hard work,

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and yet it starts
with a decision to take control.

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Now, how did I stop being bullied?

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I went skydiving.

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Now, my lifelong, greatest fear
was the fear of heights,

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and I had to prove to myself
that I could stand up to my fears.

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And that day became
my personal day of declaration

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that I will never let fear stop me again.

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I'd spent so much of my life avoiding
conflict, hiding in fear of bullies,

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that my greatest bully
had become the fear itself.

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Everyone who's been bullied has to come
to that kick-the-chair moment

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when you decide, "I am not
going to take it anymore,"

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and you stop waiting
for someone else to come rescue you,

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and you take control.

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For me,

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I started reading, I started attending
workshops and seminars.

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I walked on fire at a Tony Robbins' event.

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I simply started facing my fears
that I used to run away from,

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and step by step,

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my personal strength and confidence grew.

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If you're bullied,
that is the only solution:

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is you take action.

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Start reading, attend seminars,

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join a self-defense class,
learn martial arts,

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master something

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that gives you the courage
and the confidence to take control.

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There is no other solution.

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You become your own safe space.

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On this,

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Charles Atlas got it right:

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you've got to get strong.

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And you can do this - no matter
what age you are, we can all do this.

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We take absolute control.

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Now, right after that,

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Charles Atlas blew it
because he made it about getting even.

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Now, notice, at least he got the girl.

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We all say Charles Atlas
was a marketer, not a humanitarian,

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so we'll cut him some slack.

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But I want to be crystal clear

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that we are not talking
about becoming a bully,

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but rather, just bully-proof.

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See, a master of self-defense
has lethal power,

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but hopefully never has to use it,

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what Bruce Lee called
"the art of fighting without fighting."

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Now, this is not the easy path,

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but it is the only path that will win.

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Personal strength and confidence
is the true safe space

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because that

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you can take with you everywhere.

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And by the way,

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so can an eight-year-old

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on his first day of third grade.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)