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It's my first day of third grade,

2
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and I'm so excited because
we'd just moved to a new town,

3
00:00:27,578 --> 00:00:29,767
so this is an adventure:

4
00:00:29,787 --> 00:00:32,991
a new school, new friends and ...

5
00:00:34,381 --> 00:00:36,347
my brand-new pair of glasses.

6
00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:37,798
(Laughter)

7
00:00:38,328 --> 00:00:40,569
I'm on the playground,
and a kid walks up to me.

8
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He's about my size,
with this thick, bushy, blonde hair,

9
00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:47,009
and he says, "Hey, want to fight?"

10
00:00:47,039 --> 00:00:48,542
(Laughter)

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"No!"

12
00:00:50,261 --> 00:00:51,589
(Laughter)

13
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"Well, I do!"

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(Laughter)

15
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Next thing I know, I am in a headlock
and the punches are coming and coming,

16
00:00:58,629 --> 00:01:01,240
and I can feel my face
just being squeezed,

17
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and it feels like the hair
is being ripped out of my scalp!

18
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Now, I'm eight years old,
and getting beat up is new for me.

19
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Bam! Another hit, and another.

20
00:01:14,018 --> 00:01:16,155
Finally, I managed to twist loose.

21
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"My glasses!"

22
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They're broken.

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And he broke them.

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And all I can think to myself is ...

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run, get away as fast as I can,

26
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and that's what I did.

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I get home,

28
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my mom sits me in her lap,

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tears pour down my face,

30
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and she says, "Bub,

31
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you did the right thing to not fight back.

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You just turn the other cheek,

33
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and kids like that will leave you alone."

34
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Okay, Mom's always right, right?

35
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But in fourth grade, it was Colin,
with his red hair and freckles,

36
00:02:01,898 --> 00:02:03,500
and he didn't leave me alone.

37
00:02:04,068 --> 00:02:07,681
The next year, it was Greg,
with his tough-guy strut.

38
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In junior high, it was Santos,
our all-star running back,

39
00:02:11,939 --> 00:02:14,529
and then Robert, and then Dean ...

40
00:02:15,277 --> 00:02:16,278
In high school,

41
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it was this little punk, Raul,

42
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who would punch me every day
in the locker room,

43
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and I just took it.

44
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My friend Johnny said, "Stand up to him!"

45
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,453
And Johnny was right,

46
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but I listened to Mom.

47
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And it didn't end with classmates.

48
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My senior year,

49
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my first adult bully showed up.

50
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We'd just moved to another new town,

51
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and so I'm the new kid again.

52
00:02:50,668 --> 00:02:54,649
And our basketball team
was ranked number one in state,

53
00:02:54,679 --> 00:02:58,167
and some were saying
that I was the best player on the team.

54
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That's me, number 14.

55
00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:03,739
But to Coach Reeves,

56
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I was an intruder on his team.

57
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And so, when I missed one layup

58
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in a first game,

59
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he benched me permanently.

60
00:03:20,087 --> 00:03:21,426
He told me a few days later

61
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it was up to me if I wanted to sit
on the bench for the rest of the season,

62
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or I can quit.

63
00:03:29,229 --> 00:03:30,427
I quit.

64
00:03:31,768 --> 00:03:35,129
I graduated from college,
got my first job and got bullied.

65
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I was bullied in my marriage.

66
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:43,668
Seventeen years of marriage,
and not a single fight with my wife.

67
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Why?

68
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Because I just turned the other cheek.

69
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Until one day, all the problems exploded,

70
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and just like third grade,

71
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I ran away.

72
00:03:56,448 --> 00:03:57,835
Only now ...

73
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with three little girls of my own,

74
00:04:02,397 --> 00:04:03,828
what's broken ...

75
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,537
is a lot more than a pair of glasses.

76
00:04:10,038 --> 00:04:13,627
We think of bullying as a childhood issue.

77
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Yes, and it is.

78
00:04:15,913 --> 00:04:21,988
And yet, the brutal reality is that
one of the greatest oppressors of our time

79
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is adult bullying.

80
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Now, what is adult bullying?

81
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Well,

82
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it's this.

83
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That is not a textbook
definition of bullying,

84
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:37,497
and yet, I think the cartoon version
sometimes is clearer.

85
00:04:37,517 --> 00:04:39,219
A little sand in the face,

86
00:04:39,249 --> 00:04:40,525
and ...

87
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a little threat,

88
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just to remind you that you're nobody.

89
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:51,266
And that plays out countless times
every day all over the world,

90
00:04:51,286 --> 00:04:53,678
in the workplace, when the boss says,

91
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"You want to keep your job?
You keep your mouth shut!"

92
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Or when a co-worker rudely walks in
late to your presentation

93
00:05:01,396 --> 00:05:03,897
just to throw you off your game.

94
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:08,736
In a recent survey
of 2,000 adults across the US,

95
00:05:08,756 --> 00:05:12,538
31% said that they
had been bullied as adults.

96
00:05:13,618 --> 00:05:17,170
They surveyed 9,000 federal employees,

97
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:23,346
and 57% said that they had been bullied
in the last two years.

98
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And yes, the government
has anti-bullying policy.

99
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:33,753
And obviously, it's not confined
just to the workplace.

100
00:05:33,753 --> 00:05:38,827
Adult bullying is just as prevalent
at home, in marriages, in our communities,

101
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on the street if you've ever driven
in rush-hour traffic,

102
00:05:43,098 --> 00:05:44,506
in politics ...

103
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It's everywhere.

104
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And it isn't the external repercussions

105
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that are as significant as the internal
impact on the individual, the target,

106
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the victim.

107
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The emotional and psychological damage

108
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to self-worth, to confidence
and to dignitiy

109
00:06:05,648 --> 00:06:07,724
is enormous.

110
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I know because I was bullied
for most of my life.

111
00:06:13,597 --> 00:06:14,938
Not anymore.

112
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:17,691
And through that journey,

113
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I learned three hard-hitting truths
about the oppression of adult bullying.

114
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The first truth is
just how personal it is.

115
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Now, adult bullying is not a big deal,

116
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if you've never been bullied.

117
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It's kind of like the difference
between major and minor surgery:

118
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if I have it, it's major;

119
00:06:43,587 --> 00:06:45,545
you have it, it's minor.

120
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Right? And that's the way
many people feel about bullying.

121
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They've never been bullied,
they can't relate,

122
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so it must not be that big of a deal.

123
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And anti-bullying policy
is typically created

124
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by those in positions of power
who've never been bullied.

125
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And yes, even when they tell you,

126
00:07:07,977 --> 00:07:09,248
"Oh ...

127
00:07:09,278 --> 00:07:11,384
Don't let it bother you,"

128
00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:15,193
that is personal.

129
00:07:18,108 --> 00:07:22,640
Psychotherapist Jenise Harmon
suggests that bullying is not about you.

130
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,008
"You're not the one with the problems,

131
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so you shouldn't ever
take bullying personally."

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Excuse me, counselor,
with all due respect,

133
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when you're the one
getting punched every day,

134
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it's personal.

135
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When a co-worker accuses you
of saying something you didn't say,

136
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his problem just became your problem.

137
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When a bullying husband
tells his wife every day

138
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how worthless she is,

139
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it's personal.

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The second hard-hitting truth
about adult bullying

141
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is how helpless you feel.

142
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The real issue isn't the bullies;

143
00:08:05,905 --> 00:08:09,415
it's the fear, it's the feeling
of helplessness to do anything about it.

144
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It's this dark cloud
of constant shame and anxiety

145
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that suffocates self-worth,

146
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kills dreams,

147
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and can lead to depression

148
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and even suicide.

149
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For me, it was this feeling
that I couldn't stand up for myself.

150
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I would always do pretty well
at everything until conflict showed up,

151
00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,439
and then, I would back down,

152
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and I would run away.

153
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I coach salespeople,

154
00:08:47,176 --> 00:08:49,451
and one of the things
that I have discovered

155
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is that fear and personal insecurities
probably pushes more of us around

156
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than any other type of bullying.

157
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And for me, it was that feeling
that I just couldn't stand up for myself.

158
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I spent so much of my life
avoiding conflict,

159
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:07,172
hiding in fear of bullies,

160
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that my greatest bully
had become the fear itself.

161
00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:17,221
And either way, the impact
is just as devastating.

162
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The third truth

163
00:09:22,531 --> 00:09:23,536
of adult bullying

164
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is how fixable it is.

165
00:09:27,946 --> 00:09:32,296
Now, all the talk about anti-bullying
policy and safe spaces hasn't worked,

166
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and it won't work.

167
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,527
Why?

168
00:09:36,537 --> 00:09:39,588
Because bullying pays off for the bully,

169
00:09:40,108 --> 00:09:43,645
and because bullies aren't stupid,
they're not going to play by the rules.

170
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They don't target you
when you're in the safe space.

171
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A lot of times,

172
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the bullies are the ones in power.

173
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So,

174
00:09:55,806 --> 00:09:58,078
there is no safe space.

175
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The solution is not external;

176
00:10:01,963 --> 00:10:04,337
the solution is internal,

177
00:10:04,848 --> 00:10:06,116
here.

178
00:10:06,668 --> 00:10:09,776
Bullying will never be stopped
at the corporate or policy level.

179
00:10:09,806 --> 00:10:13,446
Bullying can only be stopped
at the individual level.

180
00:10:13,476 --> 00:10:15,948
All the research confirms
what nobody wants to admit:

181
00:10:15,978 --> 00:10:17,618
bullying can only be stopped here.

182
00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:21,088
Just like the problem is personal,

183
00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:23,178
so is the solution.

184
00:10:23,676 --> 00:10:26,437
And that's what Skinny
finally figured out.

185
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:32,426
After his day of humiliation at the beach,
he decided to do something about it.

186
00:10:33,095 --> 00:10:35,238
Now, he didn't do it alone.

187
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,260
He found somebody to help him.

188
00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:38,317
(Laughter)

189
00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:41,656
In this case, Mr. Charles Atlas,
with his leopard speedo.

190
00:10:41,686 --> 00:10:43,268
(Laughter)

191
00:10:44,987 --> 00:10:47,836
And he armed himself.

192
00:10:48,346 --> 00:10:50,108
Now, what the cartoon doesn't show us

193
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,865
is all the hard work
required to get there.

194
00:10:54,310 --> 00:11:01,272
And make no mistake about it,
becoming bully-proof is hard work,

195
00:11:03,077 --> 00:11:09,976
and yet it starts
with a decision to take control.

196
00:11:11,958 --> 00:11:14,102
Now, how did I stop being bullied?

197
00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:17,899
I went skydiving.

198
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:23,236
Now, my lifelong, greatest fear
was the fear of heights,

199
00:11:23,256 --> 00:11:29,145
and I had to prove to myself
that I could stand up to my fears.

200
00:11:29,377 --> 00:11:33,307
And that day became
my personal day of declaration

201
00:11:33,337 --> 00:11:38,451
that I will never let fear stop me again.

202
00:11:40,176 --> 00:11:43,688
I'd spent so much of my life avoiding
conflict, hiding in fear of bullies,

203
00:11:43,718 --> 00:11:49,380
that my greatest bully
had become the fear itself.

204
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:56,496
Everyone who's been bullied has to come
to that kick-the-chair moment

205
00:11:56,656 --> 00:11:59,839
when you decide, "I am not
going to take it anymore,"

206
00:11:59,869 --> 00:12:02,537
and you stop waiting
for someone else to come rescue you,

207
00:12:02,557 --> 00:12:07,362
and you take control.

208
00:12:08,266 --> 00:12:09,718
For me,

209
00:12:09,748 --> 00:12:12,836
I started reading, I started attending
workshops and seminars.

210
00:12:12,856 --> 00:12:15,157
I walked on fire at a Tony Robbins' event.

211
00:12:15,187 --> 00:12:20,407
I simply started facing my fears
that I used to run away from,

212
00:12:20,437 --> 00:12:22,397
and step by step,

213
00:12:22,427 --> 00:12:28,029
my personal strength and confidence grew.

214
00:12:30,157 --> 00:12:33,068
If you're bullied,
that is the only solution:

215
00:12:33,098 --> 00:12:36,739
is you take action.

216
00:12:37,714 --> 00:12:39,228
Start reading, attend seminars,

217
00:12:39,248 --> 00:12:41,998
join a self-defense class,
learn martial arts,

218
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,926
master something

219
00:12:44,566 --> 00:12:49,007
that gives you the courage
and the confidence to take control.

220
00:12:49,037 --> 00:12:50,717
There is no other solution.

221
00:12:51,387 --> 00:12:56,421
You become your own safe space.

222
00:12:57,097 --> 00:12:58,207
On this,

223
00:12:58,707 --> 00:13:00,067
Charles Atlas got it right:

224
00:13:00,097 --> 00:13:03,639
you've got to get strong.

225
00:13:04,197 --> 00:13:08,917
And you can do this - no matter
what age you are, we can all do this.

226
00:13:10,569 --> 00:13:12,987
We take absolute control.

227
00:13:13,007 --> 00:13:14,936
Now, right after that,

228
00:13:14,956 --> 00:13:18,546
Charles Atlas blew it
because he made it about getting even.

229
00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:23,438
Now, notice, at least he got the girl.

230
00:13:23,698 --> 00:13:26,506
We all say Charles Atlas
was a marketer, not a humanitarian,

231
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,225
so we'll cut him some slack.

232
00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:30,344
But I want to be crystal clear

233
00:13:30,364 --> 00:13:34,711
that we are not talking
about becoming a bully,

234
00:13:35,405 --> 00:13:39,126
but rather, just bully-proof.

235
00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:44,016
See, a master of self-defense
has lethal power,

236
00:13:44,046 --> 00:13:46,223
but hopefully never has to use it,

237
00:13:46,728 --> 00:13:52,646
what Bruce Lee called
"the art of fighting without fighting."

238
00:13:53,837 --> 00:13:55,655
Now, this is not the easy path,

239
00:13:55,675 --> 00:13:58,875
but it is the only path that will win.

240
00:13:59,247 --> 00:14:05,595
Personal strength and confidence
is the true safe space

241
00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,207
because that

242
00:14:07,906 --> 00:14:09,977
you can take with you everywhere.

243
00:14:10,706 --> 00:14:12,155
And by the way,

244
00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:17,316
so can an eight-year-old

245
00:14:18,156 --> 00:14:20,360
on his first day of third grade.

246
00:14:21,867 --> 00:14:22,977
Thank you.

247
00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:24,936
(Applause)