0:00:21.759,0:00:24.619
It's my first day of third grade,

0:00:24.649,0:00:27.558
and I'm so excited because[br]we'd just moved to a new town,

0:00:27.578,0:00:29.767
so this is an adventure:

0:00:29.787,0:00:32.991
a new school, new friends and ...

0:00:34.381,0:00:36.347
my brand-new pair of glasses.

0:00:36.467,0:00:37.798
(Laughter)

0:00:38.328,0:00:40.569
I'm on the playground,[br]and a kid walks up to me.

0:00:40.589,0:00:44.440
He's about my size,[br]with this thick, bushy, blonde hair,

0:00:44.460,0:00:47.009
and he says, "Hey, want to fight?"

0:00:47.039,0:00:48.542
(Laughter)

0:00:49.092,0:00:50.241
"No!"

0:00:50.261,0:00:51.589
(Laughter)

0:00:51.619,0:00:52.759
"Well, I do!"

0:00:52.789,0:00:53.759
(Laughter)

0:00:53.789,0:00:58.599
Next thing I know, I am in a headlock[br]and the punches are coming and coming,

0:00:58.629,0:01:01.240
and I can feel my face[br]just being squeezed,

0:01:01.270,0:01:05.868
and it feels like the hair[br]is being ripped out of my scalp!

0:01:05.898,0:01:09.900
Now, I'm eight years old,[br]and getting beat up is new for me.

0:01:10.290,0:01:13.158
Bam! Another hit, and another.

0:01:14.018,0:01:16.155
Finally, I managed to twist loose.

0:01:17.141,0:01:18.795
"My glasses!"

0:01:21.537,0:01:22.919
They're broken.

0:01:24.180,0:01:25.560
And he broke them.

0:01:27.031,0:01:29.140
And all I can think to myself is ...

0:01:29.500,0:01:32.519
run, get away as fast as I can,

0:01:32.539,0:01:34.040
and that's what I did.

0:01:34.490,0:01:36.071
I get home,

0:01:36.949,0:01:38.939
my mom sits me in her lap,

0:01:39.229,0:01:41.479
tears pour down my face,

0:01:41.499,0:01:44.045
and she says, "Bub,

0:01:44.849,0:01:49.070
you did the right thing to not fight back.

0:01:49.499,0:01:51.511
You just turn the other cheek,

0:01:51.923,0:01:54.173
and kids like that will leave you alone."

0:01:54.892,0:01:57.390
Okay, Mom's always right, right?

0:01:58.078,0:02:01.868
But in fourth grade, it was Colin,[br]with his red hair and freckles,

0:02:01.898,0:02:03.500
and he didn't leave me alone.

0:02:04.068,0:02:07.681
The next year, it was Greg,[br]with his tough-guy strut.

0:02:08.487,0:02:11.919
In junior high, it was Santos,[br]our all-star running back,

0:02:11.939,0:02:14.529
and then Robert, and then Dean ...

0:02:15.277,0:02:16.278
In high school,

0:02:16.278,0:02:18.897
it was this little punk, Raul,

0:02:18.917,0:02:22.418
who would punch me every day[br]in the locker room,

0:02:22.448,0:02:24.158
and I just took it.

0:02:24.680,0:02:27.822
My friend Johnny said, "Stand up to him!"

0:02:29.949,0:02:31.453
And Johnny was right,

0:02:33.067,0:02:35.638
but I listened to Mom.

0:02:37.738,0:02:40.669
And it didn't end with classmates.

0:02:40.699,0:02:42.330
My senior year,

0:02:42.360,0:02:45.908
my first adult bully showed up.

0:02:46.189,0:02:48.189
We'd just moved to another new town,

0:02:48.509,0:02:50.328
and so I'm the new kid again.

0:02:50.668,0:02:54.649
And our basketball team[br]was ranked number one in state,

0:02:54.679,0:02:58.167
and some were saying[br]that I was the best player on the team.

0:02:58.187,0:02:59.819
That's me, number 14.

0:03:01.980,0:03:03.739
But to Coach Reeves,

0:03:04.779,0:03:08.720
I was an intruder on his team.

0:03:09.568,0:03:12.028
And so, when I missed one layup

0:03:13.988,0:03:15.387
in a first game,

0:03:15.659,0:03:18.489
he benched me permanently.

0:03:20.087,0:03:21.426
He told me a few days later

0:03:21.446,0:03:25.249
it was up to me if I wanted to sit[br]on the bench for the rest of the season,

0:03:25.269,0:03:27.465
or I can quit.

0:03:29.229,0:03:30.427
I quit.

0:03:31.768,0:03:35.129
I graduated from college,[br]got my first job and got bullied.

0:03:35.870,0:03:37.798
I was bullied in my marriage.

0:03:38.218,0:03:43.668
Seventeen years of marriage,[br]and not a single fight with my wife.

0:03:44.838,0:03:45.834
Why?

0:03:45.864,0:03:47.714
Because I just turned the other cheek.

0:03:48.224,0:03:50.968
Until one day, all the problems exploded,

0:03:50.988,0:03:52.790
and just like third grade,

0:03:53.485,0:03:54.878
I ran away.

0:03:56.448,0:03:57.835
Only now ...

0:04:00.776,0:04:02.397
with three little girls of my own,

0:04:02.397,0:04:03.828
what's broken ...

0:04:05.467,0:04:07.537
is a lot more than a pair of glasses.

0:04:10.038,0:04:13.627
We think of bullying as a childhood issue.

0:04:13.647,0:04:15.476
Yes, and it is.

0:04:15.913,0:04:21.988
And yet, the brutal reality is that[br]one of the greatest oppressors of our time

0:04:22.008,0:04:25.056
is adult bullying.

0:04:26.116,0:04:27.448
Now, what is adult bullying?

0:04:27.448,0:04:28.640
Well,

0:04:29.106,0:04:30.567
it's this.

0:04:31.236,0:04:33.678
That is not a textbook[br]definition of bullying,

0:04:33.708,0:04:37.497
and yet, I think the cartoon version[br]sometimes is clearer.

0:04:37.517,0:04:39.219
A little sand in the face,

0:04:39.249,0:04:40.525
and ...

0:04:41.316,0:04:42.829
a little threat,

0:04:43.446,0:04:46.279
just to remind you that you're nobody.

0:04:47.087,0:04:51.266
And that plays out countless times[br]every day all over the world,

0:04:51.286,0:04:53.678
in the workplace, when the boss says,

0:04:53.708,0:04:56.388
"You want to keep your job?[br]You keep your mouth shut!"

0:04:56.977,0:05:01.376
Or when a co-worker rudely walks in[br]late to your presentation

0:05:01.396,0:05:03.897
just to throw you off your game.

0:05:04.887,0:05:08.736
In a recent survey[br]of 2,000 adults across the US,

0:05:08.756,0:05:12.538
31% said that they[br]had been bullied as adults.

0:05:13.618,0:05:17.170
They surveyed 9,000 federal employees,

0:05:18.026,0:05:23.346
and 57% said that they had been bullied[br]in the last two years.

0:05:23.386,0:05:28.656
And yes, the government[br]has anti-bullying policy.

0:05:31.167,0:05:33.753
And obviously, it's not confined[br]just to the workplace.

0:05:33.753,0:05:38.827
Adult bullying is just as prevalent[br]at home, in marriages, in our communities,

0:05:38.857,0:05:41.908
on the street if you've ever driven[br]in rush-hour traffic,

0:05:43.098,0:05:44.506
in politics ...

0:05:44.536,0:05:46.028
It's everywhere.

0:05:47.025,0:05:49.518
And it isn't the external repercussions

0:05:49.538,0:05:55.598
that are as significant as the internal[br]impact on the individual, the target,

0:05:56.607,0:05:58.647
the victim.

0:06:00.297,0:06:02.278
The emotional and psychological damage

0:06:02.308,0:06:05.618
to self-worth, to confidence[br]and to dignitiy

0:06:05.648,0:06:07.724
is enormous.

0:06:09.019,0:06:11.848
I know because I was bullied[br]for most of my life.

0:06:13.597,0:06:14.938
Not anymore.

0:06:15.897,0:06:17.691
And through that journey,

0:06:17.711,0:06:23.929
I learned three hard-hitting truths[br]about the oppression of adult bullying.

0:06:24.539,0:06:29.947
The first truth is[br]just how personal it is.

0:06:30.636,0:06:33.637
Now, adult bullying is not a big deal,

0:06:33.667,0:06:36.038
if you've never been bullied.

0:06:36.316,0:06:39.675
It's kind of like the difference[br]between major and minor surgery:

0:06:39.695,0:06:42.631
if I have it, it's major;

0:06:43.587,0:06:45.545
you have it, it's minor.

0:06:46.017,0:06:48.736
Right? And that's the way[br]many people feel about bullying.

0:06:48.756,0:06:51.048
They've never been bullied,[br]they can't relate,

0:06:51.078,0:06:53.157
so it must not be that big of a deal.

0:06:54.776,0:06:58.368
And anti-bullying policy[br]is typically created

0:06:58.398,0:07:03.106
by those in positions of power[br]who've never been bullied.

0:07:04.512,0:07:07.947
And yes, even when they tell you,

0:07:07.977,0:07:09.248
"Oh ...

0:07:09.278,0:07:11.384
Don't let it bother you,"

0:07:12.507,0:07:15.193
that is personal.

0:07:18.108,0:07:22.640
Psychotherapist Jenise Harmon[br]suggests that bullying is not about you.

0:07:24.100,0:07:26.008
"You're not the one with the problems,

0:07:26.468,0:07:29.537
so you shouldn't ever[br]take bullying personally."

0:07:30.335,0:07:32.338
Excuse me, counselor,[br]with all due respect,

0:07:32.338,0:07:35.309
when you're the one[br]getting punched every day,

0:07:35.949,0:07:37.205
it's personal.

0:07:39.879,0:07:43.317
When a co-worker accuses you[br]of saying something you didn't say,

0:07:43.337,0:07:46.239
his problem just became your problem.

0:07:47.666,0:07:51.304
When a bullying husband[br]tells his wife every day

0:07:51.807,0:07:53.841
how worthless she is,

0:07:55.407,0:07:56.747
it's personal.

0:07:58.757,0:08:02.017
The second hard-hitting truth[br]about adult bullying

0:08:02.047,0:08:04.116
is how helpless you feel.

0:08:04.136,0:08:05.885
The real issue isn't the bullies;

0:08:05.905,0:08:09.415
it's the fear, it's the feeling[br]of helplessness to do anything about it.

0:08:10.465,0:08:15.626
It's this dark cloud[br]of constant shame and anxiety

0:08:15.976,0:08:18.637
that suffocates self-worth,

0:08:18.887,0:08:20.506
kills dreams,

0:08:20.837,0:08:22.749
and can lead to depression

0:08:23.372,0:08:24.808
and even suicide.

0:08:26.147,0:08:29.437
For me, it was this feeling[br]that I couldn't stand up for myself.

0:08:31.047,0:08:35.077
I would always do pretty well[br]at everything until conflict showed up,

0:08:35.667,0:08:37.439
and then, I would back down,

0:08:38.759,0:08:40.276
and I would run away.

0:08:44.266,0:08:46.852
I coach salespeople,

0:08:47.176,0:08:49.451
and one of the things[br]that I have discovered

0:08:49.471,0:08:54.635
is that fear and personal insecurities[br]probably pushes more of us around

0:08:54.665,0:08:57.769
than any other type of bullying.

0:08:59.318,0:09:03.268
And for me, it was that feeling[br]that I just couldn't stand up for myself.

0:09:03.298,0:09:05.647
I spent so much of my life[br]avoiding conflict,

0:09:05.667,0:09:07.172
hiding in fear of bullies,

0:09:07.202,0:09:11.332
that my greatest bully[br]had become the fear itself.

0:09:11.595,0:09:17.221
And either way, the impact[br]is just as devastating.

0:09:20.027,0:09:21.543
The third truth

0:09:22.531,0:09:23.536
of adult bullying

0:09:23.536,0:09:27.177
is how fixable it is.

0:09:27.946,0:09:32.296
Now, all the talk about anti-bullying[br]policy and safe spaces hasn't worked,

0:09:32.326,0:09:33.906
and it won't work.

0:09:34.407,0:09:35.527
Why?

0:09:36.537,0:09:39.588
Because bullying pays off for the bully,

0:09:40.108,0:09:43.645
and because bullies aren't stupid,[br]they're not going to play by the rules.

0:09:44.135,0:09:46.677
They don't target you[br]when you're in the safe space.

0:09:47.307,0:09:48.907
A lot of times,

0:09:49.867,0:09:52.469
the bullies are the ones in power.

0:09:53.177,0:09:54.530
So,

0:09:55.806,0:09:58.078
there is no safe space.

0:09:59.366,0:10:01.933
The solution is not external;

0:10:01.963,0:10:04.337
the solution is internal,

0:10:04.848,0:10:06.116
here.

0:10:06.668,0:10:09.776
Bullying will never be stopped[br]at the corporate or policy level.

0:10:09.806,0:10:13.446
Bullying can only be stopped[br]at the individual level.

0:10:13.476,0:10:15.948
All the research confirms[br]what nobody wants to admit:

0:10:15.978,0:10:17.618
bullying can only be stopped here.

0:10:17.648,0:10:21.088
Just like the problem is personal,

0:10:21.688,0:10:23.178
so is the solution.

0:10:23.676,0:10:26.437
And that's what Skinny[br]finally figured out.

0:10:26.467,0:10:32.426
After his day of humiliation at the beach,[br]he decided to do something about it.

0:10:33.095,0:10:35.238
Now, he didn't do it alone.

0:10:35.268,0:10:37.260
He found somebody to help him.

0:10:37.287,0:10:38.317
(Laughter)

0:10:38.347,0:10:41.656
In this case, Mr. Charles Atlas,[br]with his leopard speedo.

0:10:41.686,0:10:43.268
(Laughter)

0:10:44.987,0:10:47.836
And he armed himself.

0:10:48.346,0:10:50.108
Now, what the cartoon doesn't show us

0:10:50.108,0:10:53.865
is all the hard work[br]required to get there.

0:10:54.310,0:11:01.272
And make no mistake about it,[br]becoming bully-proof is hard work,

0:11:03.077,0:11:09.976
and yet it starts[br]with a decision to take control.

0:11:11.958,0:11:14.102
Now, how did I stop being bullied?

0:11:16.227,0:11:17.899
I went skydiving.

0:11:18.887,0:11:23.236
Now, my lifelong, greatest fear[br]was the fear of heights,

0:11:23.256,0:11:29.145
and I had to prove to myself[br]that I could stand up to my fears.

0:11:29.377,0:11:33.307
And that day became[br]my personal day of declaration

0:11:33.337,0:11:38.451
that I will never let fear stop me again.

0:11:40.176,0:11:43.688
I'd spent so much of my life avoiding[br]conflict, hiding in fear of bullies,

0:11:43.718,0:11:49.380
that my greatest bully[br]had become the fear itself.

0:11:52.486,0:11:56.496
Everyone who's been bullied has to come[br]to that kick-the-chair moment

0:11:56.656,0:11:59.839
when you decide, "I am not[br]going to take it anymore,"

0:11:59.869,0:12:02.537
and you stop waiting[br]for someone else to come rescue you,

0:12:02.557,0:12:07.362
and you take control.

0:12:08.266,0:12:09.718
For me,

0:12:09.748,0:12:12.836
I started reading, I started attending[br]workshops and seminars.

0:12:12.856,0:12:15.157
I walked on fire at a Tony Robbins' event.

0:12:15.187,0:12:20.407
I simply started facing my fears[br]that I used to run away from,

0:12:20.437,0:12:22.397
and step by step,

0:12:22.427,0:12:28.029
my personal strength and confidence grew.

0:12:30.157,0:12:33.068
If you're bullied,[br]that is the only solution:

0:12:33.098,0:12:36.739
is you take action.

0:12:37.714,0:12:39.228
Start reading, attend seminars,

0:12:39.248,0:12:41.998
join a self-defense class,[br]learn martial arts,

0:12:42.028,0:12:43.926
master something

0:12:44.566,0:12:49.007
that gives you the courage[br]and the confidence to take control.

0:12:49.037,0:12:50.717
There is no other solution.

0:12:51.387,0:12:56.421
You become your own safe space.

0:12:57.097,0:12:58.207
On this,

0:12:58.707,0:13:00.067
Charles Atlas got it right:

0:13:00.097,0:13:03.639
you've got to get strong.

0:13:04.197,0:13:08.917
And you can do this - no matter[br]what age you are, we can all do this.

0:13:10.569,0:13:12.987
We take absolute control.

0:13:13.007,0:13:14.936
Now, right after that,

0:13:14.956,0:13:18.546
Charles Atlas blew it[br]because he made it about getting even.

0:13:20.817,0:13:23.438
Now, notice, at least he got the girl.

0:13:23.698,0:13:26.506
We all say Charles Atlas[br]was a marketer, not a humanitarian,

0:13:26.506,0:13:28.225
so we'll cut him some slack.

0:13:28.245,0:13:30.344
But I want to be crystal clear

0:13:30.364,0:13:34.711
that we are not talking[br]about becoming a bully,

0:13:35.405,0:13:39.126
but rather, just bully-proof.

0:13:40.585,0:13:44.016
See, a master of self-defense[br]has lethal power,

0:13:44.046,0:13:46.223
but hopefully never has to use it,

0:13:46.728,0:13:52.646
what Bruce Lee called[br]"the art of fighting without fighting."

0:13:53.837,0:13:55.655
Now, this is not the easy path,

0:13:55.675,0:13:58.875
but it is the only path that will win.

0:13:59.247,0:14:05.595
Personal strength and confidence[br]is the true safe space

0:14:05.615,0:14:07.207
because that

0:14:07.906,0:14:09.977
you can take with you everywhere.

0:14:10.706,0:14:12.155
And by the way,

0:14:15.687,0:14:17.316
so can an eight-year-old

0:14:18.156,0:14:20.360
on his first day of third grade.

0:14:21.867,0:14:22.977
Thank you.

0:14:23.007,0:14:24.936
(Applause)