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Have you every had to break
your family's rules?

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Today, I'm breaking mine,

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around money, secrecy and shame.

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In 2006, on my brother Keith's
40th birthday, he called.

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"Tam, I'm in dire straits.

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I wouldn't ask unless I had to.

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Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"

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This wasn't the first time
he needed quick cash,

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but this time, his voice frightened me.

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I had never heard him
so beaten down and shameful,

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and it was on his 40th birthday.

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After a few basic questions
that we would all ask,

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I agreed to loan him the money,
but under one condition:

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that as the financial
professional in the family,

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I wanted to meet with him and his wife

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to see what was really happening.

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Weeks later, we met
at the local Starbucks,

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and I started right in
with the tough-love budget conversation.

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"You should sell the house,
downsize to something you can afford,

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sell the toys.

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And Starbucks?

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Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."

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You know, all the trappings that we do
to keep up with the Joneses.

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Quickly, my brother and his wife
went into a fearsome blame game,

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and it got messy.

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I vacillated between therapist
and pissed-off sister.

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I wanted them to be better than this.

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"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.

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You're parents.

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Grow up and buck up."

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After we left, I called my mom,

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but Keith beat me to it,

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and he told her that I wasn't helpful.

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In fact, he was hurt
and felt ganged-up on.

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Of course he did. I shamed him
with my tough-love budget conversation.

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Two months went by when I received a call.

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"Tam? I have bad news.

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Keith committed suicide last night."

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Days later, at his home,
I went looking for answers,

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in his "office" -- the garage.

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There, I found a stack
of overdue credit card bills

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and a foreclosure notice served to him
on the day that he died.

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My brother left behind
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,

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his brilliant 18-year-old son,
weeks before his high school graduation,

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and his wife of 20 years.

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How did this happen?

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My brother was caught
in our family's money-shame cycle,

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and he was far from alone in this.

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Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64

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have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.

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Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures

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were present in nearly
40 percent of the deaths,

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with white middle-aged men
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.

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What I've learned

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is that our self-destructive
and self-defeating financial behaviors

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are not driven
by our rational, logical minds.

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Instead, they are a product
of our subconscious belief systems

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rooted in our childhoods

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and so deeply ingrained in us,

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they shape the way that we deal with money
our entire adult lives,

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and so many of you are left believing
that you're lazy,

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crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.

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This is what I call money shame.

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Dr. Brené Brown,
a well-known shame researcher,

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defines shame as "the intensely
painful feeling or experience

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of believing that we are flawed,

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and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging."

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Based on this definition,
here's how I'm defining money shame:

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"the intensely painful
feeling or experience

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of believing that we are flawed,

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and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging,

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based on our bank account balances,

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our debts, our homes, our cars

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and our job titles."

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Let me give you a couple
of examples of what I mean.

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I believe that we all have money shame,

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whether you earn
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,

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and it's because we give money
all of our power.

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Here's what it would look like
if someone that you love, or you,

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might have money shame.

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They play the big shot,
always picking up the check,

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financially rescuing family and friends.

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They are financially secure,

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but they live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.

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They drive a Mercedes, but their budget
really only can afford a Honda.

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And they're looking good at every cost.

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I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame,

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because I did.

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Shortly after my brother's death,
the Recession hit.

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I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.

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Secretly, I was terrified.

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I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong,

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told myself, "What did you do?
What happened?"

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I stayed silent, while all along,
I went outside and smiled.

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Nobody knew.

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That's money shame.

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So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had

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on knowing all the answers.

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I was the know-it-all in my family,

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and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan

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was the solution.

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And so just like everything
in my life, for me,

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I was sent a human to help,

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and I accepted the help,

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but I had to do major self-inquiry

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about my family's money history

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and my money beliefs.

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We have to start having this conversation.

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Money can no longer be a taboo topic.

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We have to get honest with each other
that we're suffering with money issues,

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and let's get real -- we have to stop
numbing out our pain.

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In order to uncover the painful parts

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of your money story
and your money history,

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you can't be numb.

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We have to let go of our past
in order to be free.

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Letting go of the past
happens through surrender,

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faith and forgiveness.

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Debt is the tangible manifestation
of not forgiving.

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If you have debt, you've not
completely forgiven your past,

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so it's our work
to forgive ourselves and others

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so that we can live freely.

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Otherwise, our history
will continue to repeat.

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This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one,

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but it's a slow wake-up.

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This is another level of work.

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We have to go higher to get it,

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to get at it.

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So try this: follow your dollars.

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Your money will show you
right away what you value.

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Where's it going?

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And then ask yourself:
Do I really value all this stuff?

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And get curious about
what you're feeling when you're spending.

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Are you lonely?

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Are you bored?

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Or are you just excited?

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But there's deeper work
that needs to happen.

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How did you get all these
money beliefs to begin with?

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I call this your money autobiography,

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and as a money coach, this is
the first step I take with my clients.

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Think back to your earliest
childhood money memory.

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What did it feel like when you got money?

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Were you excited, proud or confused?

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And what did you do with the money?

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Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank?

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And what did you hear your parents say,

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and what did you see
your parents do with the money?

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My brother and I heard,

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"More money will make us happy."

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Every day.

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"More money will make us happy."

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And we internalized that
into the money belief

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that our self worth was equal
to our net worth

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as we watched our mom live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.

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And she numbed the pain
with sugar and shopping.

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So what did we do?

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Keith played out my mother's life.

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He was an underearner,
longed to be financially rescued,

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and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.

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I did the opposite.

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I became a high earner,

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rescuer,

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and I numbed the pain out
with self-help books.

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But what we had in common
was our money belief.

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We both believed
that our bank account balance

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was equal to our self worth.

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Looking back at the Starbucks
meeting with my brother ...

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he didn't need a budget and my judgment.

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He needed a breakthrough
from his suffering,

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and he needed my compassion.

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Keith was not able
to be the one to speak up

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and break our family money shame cycle,

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so he left me to do the work
and share his legacy.

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Change is difficult,

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but in my family, not changing is fatal.

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So I did the work,

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and I have experienced deep
and profound forgiveness,

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and as I stand here today,

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I am living on purpose,

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I serve, and money serves me.

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It only takes one person in your family

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to break through the money-shame cycle.

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I want you to be the one.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)