I have been laid, you know?
>> Really?
Good for you.
>> Big time.
>> Big time?
>> I went on a date last week.
>> How'd it go? >> It was good.
>> Going out again?
>> I don't know.
>> Why not?
>> Haven't called her >> Christ, you're an amateur.
>> I know what I'm doing.
>> Really? >> Yeah.
[LAUGH] Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, but this girl is beautiful.
She's smart, she's fun.
She's different from most the girls I've been with.
>> So call her up, Romeo.
>> Why, so I can realize she's not that smart, that she's fucking boring?
Yeah, I mean, you don't,
this girl is like fucking perfect right now I don't wanna ruin that.
>> Maybe you're perfect right now, maybe you don't wanna ruin that.
But I think that's a super philosophy, Will.
That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really
know anybody.
My wife used to fart when she was nervous.
She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies.
She used to fart in her sleep.
[LAUGH] Sorry I shared that with you.
>> [LAUGH] >> One night it was so
loud it woke the dog up!
>> [LAUGH] >> She woke up and go like was that you?
I said yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell her.
[LAUGH] >> [LAUGH] She woke herself up?
>> Yes.
[LAUGH] >> [LAUGH]
>> Christ.
But Will, she's been dead two years, and that's the shit I remember.
>> [LAUGH] >> It's wonderful stuff,
little things like that happen.
Those are the things I miss the most.
Those little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about.
That's what made her my wife.
And she had the goods on me, too.
She knew all my little peccadilloes.
People call these things imperfections but they're not.
That's the good stuff.
And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.
You're not perfect, sport.
And let me save you the suspense, this girl you met, she isn't perfect either.
But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other?
That's the whole deal, that's what intimacy is all about.
Now you can know everything in the world, sport.
But the only way you're finding out that one is by giving it a shot.
You certainly won't learn from an old fucker like me.
Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a pissant like you.
>> Why not?
You told me every other fucking thing.
[LAUGH] Jesus Christ.
Fucking talk more than any shrink I ever seen in my life.
>> I teach this shit.
I didn't say I know how to do it.
>> [LAUGH] Yeah.
You ever think about getting remarried?
>> My wife's dead.
>> Hence the word remarried.
>> She's dead.
>> Yeah.
Well I think that's a super philosophy shot.
I mean that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without
ever really knowing anybody.
>> Time's up.
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