WEBVTT 00:00:18.250 --> 00:00:20.886 Why'd you pick San Francisco to shoot your special? 00:00:20.986 --> 00:00:23.656 This is one of the best towns that ever knew comedy. 00:00:23.756 --> 00:00:27.493 And this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned. 00:00:27.593 --> 00:00:29.328 'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here. 00:00:29.428 --> 00:00:31.430 Yeah, all the best came through the Bay. 00:00:31.497 --> 00:00:34.133 What about Richard? What about Robin Williams? 00:00:34.233 --> 00:00:35.534 Carlin? Mooney? 00:00:35.868 --> 00:00:38.070 You don't necessarily have to be the biggest star. 00:00:38.136 --> 00:00:40.539 As long as you come with it then people coming out. 00:00:40.605 --> 00:00:42.307 They like to see live performances... 00:00:42.374 --> 00:00:44.476 because it's a savvy audience. 00:00:45.010 --> 00:00:48.046 San Francisco, are you ready? 00:00:50.915 --> 00:00:52.817 I don't think he can hear you. 00:00:52.884 --> 00:00:53.885 Are you ready? 00:00:57.422 --> 00:01:00.491 Welcome to the show. Here's Dave Chappelle. 00:01:19.176 --> 00:01:20.544 Oh, man. 00:01:22.112 --> 00:01:23.547 Oh, shit. 00:01:27.050 --> 00:01:28.585 Yes, bring it on, man. 00:01:31.354 --> 00:01:34.124 Yes, thank you. Thank you all. 00:01:35.258 --> 00:01:36.793 Thank you for coming. 00:01:37.193 --> 00:01:38.495 God damn. 00:01:39.262 --> 00:01:40.897 I did it big this year. 00:01:42.065 --> 00:01:43.833 From cable, nigger, goddamn. 00:01:45.468 --> 00:01:49.105 Thanks for coming out and thanks for making a nigger feel comfortable... 00:01:49.172 --> 00:01:51.107 in the gayest place on earth. 00:01:54.343 --> 00:01:57.613 You guys got Disney World jealous about this, motherfuckers. 00:01:58.514 --> 00:02:01.183 Man. I didn't really think it was that gay at first. 00:02:01.250 --> 00:02:03.185 'Cause when I was coming here... 00:02:03.252 --> 00:02:05.754 everyone was like, man, that place is really gay. 00:02:07.222 --> 00:02:09.992 What the fuck is everybody talking about? It's not so gay. 00:02:10.025 --> 00:02:13.195 And then I wandered into that Castro. God damn. 00:02:14.029 --> 00:02:17.733 I said, ''This is America's anus right here.'' This shit is deep. 00:02:21.870 --> 00:02:24.105 I went to that Tenderloin. 00:02:24.773 --> 00:02:27.475 There's nothing tender about that motherfucker at all. 00:02:27.542 --> 00:02:30.845 That shit was rough. The opposite of tender. 00:02:32.313 --> 00:02:35.817 I have never seen crack smoked so casually before. 00:02:38.987 --> 00:02:41.622 These niggers was sitting in front of Starbucks... 00:02:41.689 --> 00:02:45.226 smoking crack and drinking coffee. I said, this is off the hook. 00:02:45.326 --> 00:02:47.061 Talking about politics... 00:02:51.966 --> 00:02:55.035 I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car, man... 00:02:55.102 --> 00:02:57.304 and it struck a chord with me. I tried to stop it. 00:02:57.371 --> 00:02:59.873 I said, ''Hey!'' And he looked back and saw me and said: 00:02:59.940 --> 00:03:00.974 ''Keep an eye out.'' 00:03:01.075 --> 00:03:04.945 I said, ''Nigger, that was me that said that. I'm not trying to help you. 00:03:06.046 --> 00:03:07.781 ''I want this shit to stop.'' 00:03:12.819 --> 00:03:13.987 Crackheads are like that. 00:03:14.054 --> 00:03:17.424 I had a crackhead break my car window one time. Broke it. 00:03:17.857 --> 00:03:19.626 You know what he stole? 00:03:19.859 --> 00:03:22.862 Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took. 00:03:22.929 --> 00:03:25.431 Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad... 00:03:25.632 --> 00:03:28.301 I drove around the neighborhood for five hours... 00:03:28.368 --> 00:03:31.904 looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did this. 00:03:32.505 --> 00:03:33.973 I finally found him, I grabbed him. 00:03:34.073 --> 00:03:37.343 I said, ''Hey, man, what's all this chocolate on your face? 00:03:37.777 --> 00:03:39.045 ''Motherfucker.'' 00:03:40.212 --> 00:03:42.014 He looked confused. ''Chocolate? 00:03:42.114 --> 00:03:44.250 ''This is doo-doo, baby.'' I said.... 00:03:45.651 --> 00:03:47.152 Oh, man. 00:03:51.423 --> 00:03:52.991 This place is insane. 00:03:53.992 --> 00:03:55.827 But you know what I like about San Fran... 00:03:55.861 --> 00:03:59.164 and the reason I picked this city to do my special is because... 00:03:59.264 --> 00:04:03.235 of all the major cities in America, somehow, people get along here better... 00:04:03.301 --> 00:04:05.904 than anywhere else I've seen in the country. 00:04:06.738 --> 00:04:07.973 That's right. 00:04:13.545 --> 00:04:18.016 And I always admire San Fran for that. And today, I've realized how you did it. 00:04:19.784 --> 00:04:22.754 put all the niggers on the other side of that bridge. 00:04:25.256 --> 00:04:28.292 They sure ain't happy on that side. 00:04:29.627 --> 00:04:34.265 You leave San Francisco, they're like, ''Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco. 00:04:35.432 --> 00:04:38.669 ''Come back in April, we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.'' 00:04:38.902 --> 00:04:42.072 When you get to the other side, ''Welcome to Oakland, bitch.'' 00:04:43.474 --> 00:04:44.708 Click. Click. 00:04:52.416 --> 00:04:56.152 It's fucking crazy. But it also feels like it's an East Coast city... 00:04:56.453 --> 00:04:59.589 in the West Coast. You guys got subways and shit. 00:05:00.256 --> 00:05:02.325 I'm scared of public transportation. 00:05:02.425 --> 00:05:04.794 I was on a bus that was held hostage... 00:05:05.662 --> 00:05:06.829 45 minutes. 00:05:07.330 --> 00:05:09.666 Wasn't life-threatening. Don't get that impression. 00:05:09.699 --> 00:05:12.502 It was a dude jerking off. But the shit was scary, son. 00:05:12.568 --> 00:05:13.836 It was scary. 00:05:16.539 --> 00:05:19.408 Right before it happened, I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. 00:05:19.508 --> 00:05:22.144 It's a long story. It's not the coolest shit I ever did... 00:05:22.178 --> 00:05:24.713 and people freaked out. ''Sir! 00:05:26.215 --> 00:05:28.984 ''Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay? 00:05:29.585 --> 00:05:31.587 ''This is everybody's air, sir.'' 00:05:32.488 --> 00:05:34.890 I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble. 00:05:35.257 --> 00:05:37.025 And just at that moment... 00:05:37.459 --> 00:05:41.263 coincidentally, this homeless dude, out of nowhere pulls his dick out. 00:05:41.496 --> 00:05:43.031 Started beating off. 00:05:43.498 --> 00:05:44.933 And I was furious. 00:05:45.967 --> 00:05:50.138 'Cause nobody's saying shit to this guy. They was just looking like, ''My God.'' 00:05:53.308 --> 00:05:56.344 I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to talk to him. 00:05:56.411 --> 00:05:59.447 It's not even like I was brave, really, it was that... 00:06:00.515 --> 00:06:04.018 I was sitting next to the motherfucker. I had to say something. 00:06:06.254 --> 00:06:08.422 Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow. 00:06:08.489 --> 00:06:10.658 Stop. Son, just stop. 00:06:14.128 --> 00:06:16.964 It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much. 00:06:18.032 --> 00:06:21.435 Guy's beating off on the bus, means there's something wrong with him. 00:06:21.502 --> 00:06:25.072 He's not wrapped so tight. I didn't wanna push him over the edge. 00:06:25.939 --> 00:06:29.543 Soon as I said something, all these dummies on the bus, now they're brave. 00:06:29.576 --> 00:06:31.344 ''Oh, he's right.'' 00:06:32.813 --> 00:06:36.349 ''put your goddamn cock away. I don't wanna see this anymore.'' 00:06:36.416 --> 00:06:38.351 ''I don't wanna see it either.'' ''Yeah.'' 00:06:38.418 --> 00:06:39.452 Now, the guy flips out. 00:06:39.552 --> 00:06:42.756 ''All right, everybody, back up, back the fuck up. 00:06:45.725 --> 00:06:47.794 ''I tried to be nice about this.'' 00:06:48.895 --> 00:06:50.630 Now, everybody freaks out. 00:06:50.797 --> 00:06:53.099 ''Oh, my God, it's a biological attack.'' 00:06:55.535 --> 00:06:57.670 I'm caught in the middle. I can't lose my cool. 00:06:57.737 --> 00:07:01.574 I said ''Everybody just calm the fuck down or you're going to get me shot. 00:07:05.311 --> 00:07:06.645 ''Let's all just be cool. 00:07:06.745 --> 00:07:10.182 ''Let's do what this man says, so he'll leave us alone.'' 00:07:10.949 --> 00:07:12.651 Now everybody gets quiet. 00:07:17.356 --> 00:07:18.657 ''That's better. 00:07:19.858 --> 00:07:21.693 ''That is better.'' 00:07:26.164 --> 00:07:30.135 And then he started walking up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us. 00:07:37.809 --> 00:07:39.944 And then he starts making demands. 00:07:40.411 --> 00:07:42.180 ''You in the pink shirt... 00:07:42.513 --> 00:07:44.415 ''squeeze your tits together.'' 00:07:44.949 --> 00:07:46.450 ''Oh, God, no.'' 00:07:51.455 --> 00:07:55.459 ''You. Stick your finger in your butt.'' ''Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?'' 00:07:55.526 --> 00:07:56.894 ''Oh, God.'' 00:08:00.130 --> 00:08:02.966 He was working my way. The shit was tight. 00:08:04.368 --> 00:08:07.971 Just that minute, I got saved, dudes. I was so lucky. 00:08:08.171 --> 00:08:10.707 This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped. 00:08:11.007 --> 00:08:13.176 He lost his mind. I seen it happen. 00:08:14.845 --> 00:08:16.980 He screamed out, ''Rush him. 00:08:17.747 --> 00:08:20.850 ''He can't come on all of us.'' He charges down the aisle. 00:08:21.751 --> 00:08:24.587 And it's like a movie. This homeless dude's seen him coming. 00:08:24.654 --> 00:08:26.022 He shot one off. 00:08:29.492 --> 00:08:32.228 I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigger. 00:08:40.569 --> 00:08:42.605 The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though. 00:08:42.705 --> 00:08:44.607 ''No!'' 00:08:49.044 --> 00:08:50.546 That shit was gross. 00:08:51.346 --> 00:08:54.983 It didn't kill him, but it was.... I'm sure that fucked his day up. 00:08:55.884 --> 00:08:59.021 You're not gonna have a normal day if a homeless dude... 00:08:59.254 --> 00:09:01.823 busts a nut on your forehead at 8:30 in the morning. 00:09:01.890 --> 00:09:04.192 That's a wrap on the rest of the day. 00:09:06.261 --> 00:09:08.630 That guy was freaking out. ''It burns!'' 00:09:14.302 --> 00:09:18.072 Everyone was standing around looking at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad. 00:09:20.608 --> 00:09:23.544 I guess he was finished, he came back to his senses. 00:09:24.445 --> 00:09:26.047 ''Oh, this is my stop.'' 00:09:27.949 --> 00:09:31.218 I said, ''Relax, motherfucker.'' I had to say something. 00:09:31.685 --> 00:09:33.988 ''Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it.'' 00:09:34.054 --> 00:09:37.858 I said, ''You can't get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead. 00:09:37.891 --> 00:09:39.727 ''That's not how it spreads.'' 00:09:39.927 --> 00:09:42.329 I don't know if it's true. That's just what I told him. 00:09:42.429 --> 00:09:44.898 He was so scared, I had to say something. 00:09:47.367 --> 00:09:50.037 I don't know where AIDS comes from. Who the fuck knows? 00:09:50.103 --> 00:09:51.905 Scientists don't even know. 00:09:52.606 --> 00:09:57.010 Scientists still say AIDS started 'cause somebody had sex with a monkey. 00:09:57.978 --> 00:09:58.979 Word? 00:10:00.847 --> 00:10:04.751 After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with.... 00:10:04.851 --> 00:10:07.687 Nobody fucks monkeys and people, you idiot. 00:10:08.288 --> 00:10:10.790 You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people. 00:10:10.857 --> 00:10:13.292 That's it. There's no in-between. 00:10:14.927 --> 00:10:17.063 You're not gonna get monkey pussy on Tuesday... 00:10:17.129 --> 00:10:19.832 and then be like, ''Well, let me call Charlene,'' on Thursday. 00:10:19.899 --> 00:10:23.135 No. Once you fuck a monkey, that's a firm decision. 00:10:23.702 --> 00:10:26.538 I'm out of the human pussy game for good. 00:10:29.608 --> 00:10:32.778 It's ridiculous. They act like monkeys are just as open as... 00:10:32.811 --> 00:10:34.646 waiting for people to fuck them, man. 00:10:34.746 --> 00:10:37.149 Monkeys don't wanna be fucked by people. 00:10:37.349 --> 00:10:41.086 Think about it. Think about how hard it would be to catch a monkey... 00:10:41.853 --> 00:10:44.189 and fuck it. That's ridiculous. 00:10:45.090 --> 00:10:46.791 That's how it had to go down. 00:10:46.858 --> 00:10:49.327 You think you're going to walk up to him in the woods... 00:10:49.427 --> 00:10:51.463 and bribe this nigger with fruits and bananas? 00:10:51.529 --> 00:10:53.097 ''Hey, buddy, hey. 00:10:58.970 --> 00:11:01.973 ''There you go, buddy, yeah. 00:11:05.910 --> 00:11:09.347 ''There you go, your big bright red ass. 00:11:15.486 --> 00:11:17.588 ''This big bright red booty.'' 00:11:19.289 --> 00:11:21.492 Do you know how strong a monkey is? 00:11:22.526 --> 00:11:25.295 It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk. 00:11:27.698 --> 00:11:30.934 Throw that shit in the tall grass, to never be seen again. 00:11:34.471 --> 00:11:38.541 ''Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club, pick up some girls, you trying to roll?'' 00:11:39.409 --> 00:11:41.111 ''No, man, I'm cool. 00:11:42.245 --> 00:11:46.216 ''I'm gonna stay home, chill with my monkey. 00:11:49.819 --> 00:11:52.789 ''You know how long it took me to train this monkey... 00:11:53.556 --> 00:11:55.124 ''to suck my dick... 00:11:56.125 --> 00:11:57.660 ''without peeling it? 00:12:02.098 --> 00:12:04.533 ''Last night, Chimp-chimp jerked me off with his feet. 00:12:04.567 --> 00:12:08.370 ''Nigger, only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness. 00:12:08.804 --> 00:12:11.540 ''So you all keep fucking these people if you want, niggers. 00:12:11.607 --> 00:12:13.709 ''No, it's monkey pussy for me. 00:12:15.544 --> 00:12:18.046 ''I'm hooking up with an orangutan next week. 00:12:19.214 --> 00:12:21.783 '''Cause all I fuck is chimps and orangutans.'' 00:12:24.486 --> 00:12:27.589 You know who I feel real bad for is Indians. 00:12:27.989 --> 00:12:29.491 Everybody feels bad for the Indians. 00:12:29.591 --> 00:12:33.661 They get dogged openly, 'cause everybody thinks they're dead. 00:12:34.262 --> 00:12:36.364 These motherfuckers are not all dead, all right? 00:12:36.464 --> 00:12:39.233 I've seen, with my own eyes, I've seen a gathering... 00:12:39.300 --> 00:12:42.036 of 1,500 Native Americans. 00:12:42.437 --> 00:12:47.174 They were all gathered in one place. The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico. 00:12:50.745 --> 00:12:53.147 They were everywhere. I've never seen Indians before. 00:12:53.214 --> 00:12:55.216 I wasn't even sure if they were Indians. 00:12:55.316 --> 00:12:57.551 It was fucked up, but I asked one of them. 00:12:58.485 --> 00:13:01.288 It's not nice, but I seen them in the sports section... 00:13:01.355 --> 00:13:04.892 looking at bows and arrows. I had to say something. ''Excuse me... 00:13:07.995 --> 00:13:09.796 ''I don't mean to be rude... 00:13:12.165 --> 00:13:13.567 ''are you an Indian?'' 00:13:14.134 --> 00:13:15.702 And he was cool. ''Yes. 00:13:16.970 --> 00:13:18.571 ''Yes, I am Indian.'' 00:13:19.739 --> 00:13:21.541 I still didn't believe him. 00:13:21.741 --> 00:13:23.209 I had to test him and be sure. 00:13:23.309 --> 00:13:25.812 This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket. 00:13:25.912 --> 00:13:28.948 So, I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor. 00:13:30.950 --> 00:13:34.420 And a single tear came out his eye. I said, ''Oh, shit.'' 00:13:38.090 --> 00:13:39.859 I have so many questions. 00:13:42.394 --> 00:13:44.530 I said, ''What tribe are you from?'' 00:13:45.364 --> 00:13:48.033 ''I am a Navajo.'' 00:13:48.734 --> 00:13:50.235 I said, ''Word? 00:13:52.304 --> 00:13:54.573 ''I studied you in Social Studies. 00:13:57.509 --> 00:13:59.711 ''You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?'' 00:14:01.780 --> 00:14:03.415 He said, ''I guess so... 00:14:04.783 --> 00:14:07.052 ''if that's what you wish to call it.'' 00:14:07.252 --> 00:14:09.020 I said, ''Why, what do you call it?'' 00:14:09.087 --> 00:14:10.455 He said, ''I am... 00:14:11.556 --> 00:14:12.857 ''an alcoholic.'' 00:14:19.464 --> 00:14:21.265 I said, ''Well, what's your name, dog?'' 00:14:21.332 --> 00:14:24.435 He said, ''please. Dog is my cousin. That was a good guess. 00:14:24.502 --> 00:14:25.770 ''My name is... 00:14:26.470 --> 00:14:27.805 ''Running Coyote. 00:14:28.606 --> 00:14:30.341 ''What is your name, friend?'' 00:14:30.408 --> 00:14:34.378 And that shit caught me off guard. I didn't wanna say my name was Dave... 00:14:34.745 --> 00:14:37.848 to a motherfucker named Running Coyote. It don't feel good enough. 00:14:37.948 --> 00:14:39.750 He's putting me on the spot. 00:14:39.817 --> 00:14:41.618 I said, ''My name? What? 00:14:43.153 --> 00:14:44.955 ''Oh, my name's Black Feet.'' 00:14:49.426 --> 00:14:53.029 I changed the subject. ''Forget about me. What's going on with you? 00:14:53.396 --> 00:14:55.065 ''I wanna meet your chief. 00:14:55.131 --> 00:14:58.368 ''Why don't me, you, your Chief, and your friends get together tonight? 00:14:58.435 --> 00:15:00.804 ''We could have a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual. 00:15:00.904 --> 00:15:03.606 ''We need to celebrate 'cause I thought you were dead.'' 00:15:04.974 --> 00:15:08.011 And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like I dreamed. 00:15:08.111 --> 00:15:11.147 We was all sitting around. The Indians was beating the drums. 00:15:15.618 --> 00:15:17.553 Other Indians came out the back... 00:15:17.620 --> 00:15:21.290 with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in front of us. 00:15:24.593 --> 00:15:25.995 Opened that shit up... 00:15:26.061 --> 00:15:29.164 and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers. 00:15:30.532 --> 00:15:33.068 And bags of weed were all over the blanket. 00:15:35.270 --> 00:15:36.872 The chief walked over. 00:15:42.010 --> 00:15:46.615 ''The big ones are 50. The little ones are 25 and these are 10.'' 00:15:55.290 --> 00:15:57.525 Man, those Indians got high as shit. 00:15:59.060 --> 00:16:01.863 I was baked. I told the chief. He was talking, I cut him off. 00:16:01.929 --> 00:16:03.297 ''Time out, Chief. 00:16:03.664 --> 00:16:05.132 ''Sorry to interrupt. 00:16:05.466 --> 00:16:08.035 ''I'm fucking smashed, man. The weed's too strong. 00:16:08.102 --> 00:16:11.072 ''You sure this isn't pCp? The spirits have got me. 00:16:11.105 --> 00:16:13.474 ''Chief, the spirits have got me.'' 00:16:15.009 --> 00:16:18.612 And the Chief threw some water in my face. ''Calm down, Blackface.'' 00:16:20.314 --> 00:16:23.350 I said, ''It's Black Feet, motherfucker. Take it easy.'' 00:16:28.188 --> 00:16:29.389 ''Black Feet... 00:16:30.290 --> 00:16:33.693 ''you are welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night... 00:16:34.828 --> 00:16:36.796 ''until the spirits leave you.'' 00:16:38.331 --> 00:16:41.234 And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in... 00:16:41.434 --> 00:16:44.904 which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little fucked up. 00:16:44.971 --> 00:16:46.573 You know, 'cause they all had houses. 00:16:46.673 --> 00:16:49.776 It's like, why can't I sleep with you all in the house and watch TV? 00:16:49.876 --> 00:16:52.311 Like, I can't be on this grass all night. 00:16:57.350 --> 00:17:00.886 The Indians is rude, man. Everybody's rude, the Indians. 00:17:01.287 --> 00:17:04.356 They eating nasty food. All they ate was corn and shit. 00:17:05.424 --> 00:17:07.459 Doritos, I think they called it. 00:17:09.628 --> 00:17:10.863 That's right. 00:17:11.029 --> 00:17:14.967 people only see the surface. They see the division in our foods. 00:17:15.968 --> 00:17:19.004 Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon... 00:17:20.539 --> 00:17:22.474 they think there's something wrong with me. 00:17:22.507 --> 00:17:24.676 If you don't like chicken or watermelon... 00:17:24.709 --> 00:17:27.512 something is wrong with you, motherfucker. 00:17:27.979 --> 00:17:31.583 Where are all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon? 00:17:32.383 --> 00:17:35.286 I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is. It's great. 00:17:36.221 --> 00:17:40.992 I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken. 00:17:42.794 --> 00:17:44.462 It's the least I can do. 00:17:46.931 --> 00:17:50.568 They make fun of Latin people for eating.... What you all eating? 00:17:50.668 --> 00:17:53.537 Beans? Rice? Corn? 00:17:54.071 --> 00:17:56.907 Listen, that's not a reason to hate a motherfucker, all right? 00:17:56.974 --> 00:17:59.777 It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate. 00:18:03.180 --> 00:18:06.717 The only reason these things are even an issue is because... 00:18:07.484 --> 00:18:09.052 nobody knows what white people eat. 00:18:09.152 --> 00:18:13.356 You've been very good at keeping that shit a secret amongst yourselves. 00:18:14.024 --> 00:18:17.827 I study white people. You don't know that. I'm writing a paper on you. 00:18:19.462 --> 00:18:20.563 Not even for school, nigger. 00:18:20.663 --> 00:18:23.433 Just to do it, just to do this independent research. 00:18:23.466 --> 00:18:26.502 I'm spending my money. That's why I'm working so hard. 00:18:27.704 --> 00:18:29.972 I follow you around grocery stores. They freak out. 00:18:30.073 --> 00:18:31.174 I try to peek in their cart. 00:18:31.274 --> 00:18:34.710 They say, ''Get away from my cart, nigger. What're you looking at? 00:18:35.945 --> 00:18:38.147 ''Chicken and giblets are over there. 00:18:38.948 --> 00:18:42.151 ''You must be lost. These are vegetables.'' 00:18:48.824 --> 00:18:50.392 I know what you drink. 00:18:50.492 --> 00:18:52.027 See how quiet it got. 00:18:53.595 --> 00:18:54.596 Grape juice. 00:18:54.663 --> 00:18:58.367 Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you? 00:18:58.467 --> 00:19:00.769 Oh, don't play dumb with me. 00:19:02.704 --> 00:19:06.408 A lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice... 00:19:06.508 --> 00:19:08.376 because they have grape drink. 00:19:08.476 --> 00:19:10.812 It's not the same formula that you get. 00:19:12.814 --> 00:19:14.816 Ain't no vitamins in that shit. 00:19:15.817 --> 00:19:17.885 You might have one of your black friends over. 00:19:17.986 --> 00:19:21.823 ''Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?'' ''What? 00:19:22.990 --> 00:19:24.992 ''Nigger, what the fuck is juice? 00:19:27.061 --> 00:19:29.063 ''I want some grape drink, baby. 00:19:30.231 --> 00:19:31.465 ''It's purple. 00:19:34.268 --> 00:19:37.271 ''I don't think I know what a grape drink is.'' ''What?'' 00:19:37.905 --> 00:19:41.475 ''I have some apple juice, if you want.'' ''What the fuck is juice? 00:19:42.342 --> 00:19:44.111 ''I want some apple drink. 00:19:46.346 --> 00:19:47.547 ''It's green.'' 00:19:53.854 --> 00:19:55.822 Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight... 00:19:55.889 --> 00:19:57.991 when all the kids run in from outside playing... 00:19:58.058 --> 00:20:00.060 and they all run to the fridge? 00:20:00.727 --> 00:20:03.897 ''All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D.'' 00:20:03.963 --> 00:20:07.267 As soon as they say ''Sunny D,'' all the kids go, ''Yeah!'' 00:20:08.668 --> 00:20:09.969 Watch the black kid in the back. 00:20:10.069 --> 00:20:12.305 If you see that commercial, look at that black kid. 00:20:12.371 --> 00:20:14.874 He'd be like, ''I want that purple stuff.'' 00:20:16.676 --> 00:20:19.045 That's drink, nigger, it's drink. 00:20:23.249 --> 00:20:24.617 They want drink. 00:20:25.784 --> 00:20:28.887 They don't want all them vitamins, man. They want drink. 00:20:29.088 --> 00:20:30.622 Sugar, water, purple. 00:20:32.658 --> 00:20:35.027 That's the ingredients: Sugar, water... 00:20:35.928 --> 00:20:37.529 and of course, purple. 00:20:41.366 --> 00:20:42.968 It's too fucking much. 00:20:43.268 --> 00:20:45.036 I got a lot of things to talk about tonight. 00:20:45.270 --> 00:20:47.706 First of all, I've stopped smoking weed... 00:20:49.341 --> 00:20:52.577 with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherfuckers. God damn. 00:20:52.644 --> 00:20:55.213 I'm sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly... 00:20:55.313 --> 00:20:57.448 but I can't smoke with you anymore. 00:20:58.349 --> 00:21:01.052 Every time I smoke weed with my black friends... 00:21:01.419 --> 00:21:02.954 all you talk about... 00:21:03.054 --> 00:21:05.590 is your trials and tribulations. 00:21:05.823 --> 00:21:09.060 I'm sick of that shit. I got my own problems. That's a waste of weed. 00:21:09.126 --> 00:21:12.630 I'm smoking weed to run from my problems, not take on yours. 00:21:12.696 --> 00:21:16.233 From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people. 00:21:19.069 --> 00:21:21.705 Calm down, motherfuckers, you win by default. 00:21:25.142 --> 00:21:27.144 You got good weed conversation. 00:21:28.245 --> 00:21:31.048 All white people talk about when they get high... 00:21:31.248 --> 00:21:33.683 is other times that they got high. 00:21:35.819 --> 00:21:37.454 I could listen to that shit all night. 00:21:37.554 --> 00:21:41.257 ''Dude, remember at Frank's last week, I was fucking smashed, man.'' 00:21:42.659 --> 00:21:46.229 And catalogs everything they drink. ''I had two shots of Jäger... 00:21:47.297 --> 00:21:49.866 ''tequila, four bong hits, man... 00:21:51.667 --> 00:21:53.870 ''beer, cheeseburger.'' 00:21:55.738 --> 00:21:57.707 That shit is great. The only bad part is... 00:21:57.740 --> 00:22:01.377 you cannot pass out around white people. 00:22:02.711 --> 00:22:05.848 Every time white dudes pass out around each other... 00:22:05.948 --> 00:22:10.085 they always do some borderline-gay shit when the guys are sleeping. 00:22:11.820 --> 00:22:15.057 ''Frank fell asleep so we, like, stuck a carrot in his ass... 00:22:15.724 --> 00:22:18.026 ''and put shaving cream on his balls.'' 00:22:18.193 --> 00:22:20.829 Why, motherfucker? Why'd you do that to a friend of yours? 00:22:20.896 --> 00:22:23.899 He trusted you to sleep around you. You put a carrot in his ass? 00:22:23.932 --> 00:22:25.166 Is that nice? 00:22:27.469 --> 00:22:30.105 I'll tell you, if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass... 00:22:30.171 --> 00:22:32.774 he will kill you when he wakes up for some shit like that. 00:22:32.874 --> 00:22:36.210 That is an automatic death sentence on the street. 00:22:36.411 --> 00:22:39.914 It's a wrap for you. ''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.'' 00:22:41.549 --> 00:22:44.785 ''I thought you all was friends, baby. What happened?'' 00:22:47.488 --> 00:22:51.058 ''I fell asleep at his house. We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house... 00:22:51.125 --> 00:22:53.227 ''and while I was sleeping, right.... 00:22:54.929 --> 00:22:58.465 ''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. That's all you need to know. 00:22:58.899 --> 00:23:00.334 ''And fuck carrots.'' 00:23:04.371 --> 00:23:06.340 But everybody's getting along. 00:23:06.873 --> 00:23:09.142 I see that shit. I see it all around. 00:23:09.176 --> 00:23:11.711 Blacks and whites don't fight so much. 00:23:12.112 --> 00:23:14.981 You know who don't have no beef with anybody is Asian people. 00:23:15.048 --> 00:23:16.850 I see how you all be doing. 00:23:18.385 --> 00:23:20.220 You all just lay in the cut. 00:23:20.420 --> 00:23:24.090 The only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people. 00:23:25.258 --> 00:23:28.294 Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese. I've done this. 00:23:28.394 --> 00:23:30.029 They'll flip out. ''Hey. 00:23:31.497 --> 00:23:33.666 ''What makes you think I'm Chinese? 00:23:34.467 --> 00:23:35.935 ''I am Korean. 00:23:36.736 --> 00:23:38.504 ''Do I look Chinese?'' 00:23:39.505 --> 00:23:42.741 Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese. That's why I said it. 00:23:42.808 --> 00:23:46.645 It's an accident. To the untrained eye, you all look Chinese to me. 00:23:48.180 --> 00:23:50.182 It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you. 00:23:50.249 --> 00:23:53.886 Some say all black people look alike. We don't get bent out of shape. 00:23:53.986 --> 00:23:56.788 We normally just call those people ''police,'' okay? 00:23:58.056 --> 00:24:00.092 Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you. 00:24:00.092 --> 00:24:01.426 Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you. 00:24:02.227 --> 00:24:04.462 Everybody's afraid of the police now. 00:24:05.263 --> 00:24:07.465 I'm scared to death of these police. 00:24:07.532 --> 00:24:09.467 I am. I got a police scanner. 00:24:09.534 --> 00:24:12.370 First money I got, that's the first shit I went out and bought. 00:24:12.470 --> 00:24:15.907 I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out. 00:24:15.974 --> 00:24:17.575 Just to make sure everything's cool. 00:24:17.675 --> 00:24:20.178 You hear shit on it. ''Calling all cars. 00:24:20.244 --> 00:24:23.915 ''Be on the lookout for a black male between 4'7'' and 6'8''. 00:24:26.984 --> 00:24:29.353 Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that. 00:24:30.554 --> 00:24:32.857 Gotta work on that alibi for a minute. 00:24:33.290 --> 00:24:35.426 Every black person needs an alibi. 00:24:36.493 --> 00:24:37.895 I do them impromptu joints. 00:24:37.995 --> 00:24:39.530 If I'm by myself and need an alibi... 00:24:39.630 --> 00:24:42.466 I open up the windows in the apartment, turn the lights on... 00:24:42.533 --> 00:24:44.868 start beating off right in the window. 00:24:44.935 --> 00:24:48.505 Hey, everybody. Look, it's me, Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off. 00:24:48.572 --> 00:24:50.607 Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35. 00:24:50.707 --> 00:24:52.776 Look at me, I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35. 00:24:52.909 --> 00:24:56.046 Comedian Dave Chappelle, June 10, note the time. 00:25:01.484 --> 00:25:03.052 That shit could save my life. 00:25:03.153 --> 00:25:05.054 ''Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that. 00:25:05.154 --> 00:25:08.858 ''I saw him in his window masturbating from 2:35 to 2:37. 00:25:08.925 --> 00:25:10.827 ''I'm certain of it. 00:25:11.194 --> 00:25:14.964 ''He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper.'' 00:25:18.267 --> 00:25:21.036 Fuck, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity. 00:25:21.103 --> 00:25:22.938 This shit is just the worst. 00:25:23.572 --> 00:25:27.343 I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man, these motherfuckers. 00:25:27.409 --> 00:25:30.412 I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. 00:25:30.446 --> 00:25:32.414 I don't get to see my kids so much. 00:25:32.514 --> 00:25:36.218 I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day. Sleep for, like, half an hour. 00:25:36.285 --> 00:25:39.087 Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes and I go back to work. 00:25:39.187 --> 00:25:40.188 Now... 00:25:42.657 --> 00:25:44.893 this particular day I got to hook up with the kids. 00:25:44.993 --> 00:25:47.662 We went to Disney World. Everybody at the park... 00:25:47.696 --> 00:25:49.097 fucking everybody. 00:25:50.632 --> 00:25:53.701 ''Hey. I'm Rick James, bitch.'' 00:26:00.808 --> 00:26:02.543 It's like, ''Hey, man, hey... 00:26:03.110 --> 00:26:06.247 ''you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? 00:26:06.714 --> 00:26:09.216 ''Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off.'' 00:26:11.986 --> 00:26:13.053 Even Mickey Mouse did it. 00:26:13.154 --> 00:26:17.091 I said, this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life. 00:26:19.059 --> 00:26:20.527 ''Rick James, bitch.'' 00:26:21.662 --> 00:26:22.896 I was fed up. 00:26:23.864 --> 00:26:26.500 I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. 00:26:27.100 --> 00:26:28.235 Knocked his head clean off. 00:26:28.302 --> 00:26:30.704 Everybody was screaming. ''Oh, my God. 00:26:32.973 --> 00:26:34.708 ''Mickey Mouse is Mexican.'' 00:26:48.421 --> 00:26:50.690 I had a terrible time in Disney World. 00:26:51.257 --> 00:26:53.126 Disney World's like another country anyway. 00:26:53.226 --> 00:26:57.029 They got their own currency. That shit is ridiculous. 00:26:57.430 --> 00:26:58.898 Soon as I check into the hotel: 00:26:58.931 --> 00:27:00.666 ''Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle. 00:27:00.733 --> 00:27:04.570 ''Can we interest you in some Disney dollars?'' 00:27:05.704 --> 00:27:07.373 ''No, man, I'm cool. 00:27:08.374 --> 00:27:10.309 ''Can't buy weed and pussy with Disney dollars. 00:27:10.376 --> 00:27:11.743 ''I'm on vacation.'' 00:27:13.178 --> 00:27:14.780 I like them greenbacks. 00:27:15.414 --> 00:27:17.616 I Iike them greenbacks, you know what I'm saying? 00:27:17.649 --> 00:27:21.052 The kind of money people spend. people are very particular about that. 00:27:21.153 --> 00:27:23.688 One of the main stories from the war was.... 00:27:23.788 --> 00:27:27.859 The first big thing we did was they said, ''Now that Iraq has been liberated... 00:27:28.093 --> 00:27:32.097 ''we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.'' 00:27:33.731 --> 00:27:37.302 And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference came on, I was choked up. 00:27:37.368 --> 00:27:39.203 I was actually proud to be an American... 00:27:39.303 --> 00:27:43.908 because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression... 00:27:43.975 --> 00:27:45.509 to have a dictator on your money. 00:27:45.576 --> 00:27:49.013 And it's thoughtful to be able to take that motherfucker off... 00:27:49.046 --> 00:27:51.449 for the goodwill of another person, right? 00:27:51.549 --> 00:27:55.686 But then I thought, if you could do that for Iraq, what about our money? 00:27:55.786 --> 00:27:59.189 Our money looks like baseball cards with slave owners on them. 00:28:01.625 --> 00:28:04.328 George Washington's the worst of the worst. 00:28:05.095 --> 00:28:06.396 Yes, I said it. 00:28:07.898 --> 00:28:11.168 We mythologize this motherfucker like he was the greatest dude, man. 00:28:11.268 --> 00:28:13.303 If I went back in time with a white person... 00:28:13.370 --> 00:28:16.539 and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine... 00:28:16.606 --> 00:28:20.410 my white friend would probably say, ''Dave, look, there's George Washington. 00:28:20.510 --> 00:28:23.613 ''The father of this great nation. I'm gonna go shake his hand.'' 00:28:23.646 --> 00:28:27.216 I'd be on the other side like, ''Run, nigger! George Washington!'' 00:28:28.885 --> 00:28:30.553 And we'd both be right. 00:28:30.987 --> 00:28:34.590 You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and that shit. 00:28:34.657 --> 00:28:37.460 ''We hold these truths to be self-evident. 00:28:37.526 --> 00:28:39.862 ''All men are created equal.'' 00:28:40.796 --> 00:28:43.566 ''Go get me a sandwich, nigger, or I'll kill you.'' 00:28:44.166 --> 00:28:45.968 ''Liberty, justice for all.'' 00:28:48.370 --> 00:28:51.940 Am I wrong? Wait a minute, did he not own slaves? 00:28:53.008 --> 00:28:54.610 That's all I'm saying. 00:28:56.912 --> 00:29:00.248 I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. 00:29:02.484 --> 00:29:06.554 Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, ''Fuck that.'' 00:29:07.822 --> 00:29:11.793 If they'll do that to three white women, they will tear my black ass to pieces. 00:29:11.860 --> 00:29:13.728 I don't wanna hear that shit. 00:29:14.195 --> 00:29:15.597 Yeah, man, they would. 00:29:15.663 --> 00:29:19.634 But I'm, like, for real, why do you care so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying? 00:29:19.701 --> 00:29:23.571 It's not like they're political scientists. They just can sing good... 00:29:23.604 --> 00:29:25.139 you know what I mean? 00:29:25.539 --> 00:29:28.976 Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't pay attention. 00:29:29.543 --> 00:29:34.248 I remember right around September 1 1, Ja Rule was on MTV. 00:29:34.348 --> 00:29:37.051 That's what they said. ''We got Ja Rule on the phone. 00:29:37.084 --> 00:29:39.987 ''Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy.'' 00:29:40.154 --> 00:29:42.790 Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this? 00:29:42.856 --> 00:29:46.226 This is ridiculous. I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death. 00:29:49.396 --> 00:29:52.866 I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now. 00:29:53.567 --> 00:29:56.536 You think when bad shit happens to me, I'll be in the crib like: 00:29:56.636 --> 00:29:59.773 ''God, this is terrible. Could somebody please... 00:30:00.206 --> 00:30:04.611 ''find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker so I can make sense of all this. 00:30:05.211 --> 00:30:06.813 ''Where is Ja? 00:30:08.414 --> 00:30:10.049 ''I need Ja Rule.'' 00:30:15.054 --> 00:30:17.556 I don't even know why people listen to me. 00:30:18.190 --> 00:30:21.927 I'll say anything. I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi. 00:30:22.027 --> 00:30:25.164 I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I say what it takes. 00:30:25.264 --> 00:30:27.733 Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying. 00:30:29.668 --> 00:30:33.071 If you wanna know the truth, can't even taste the difference. 00:30:33.138 --> 00:30:34.373 Surprise! 00:30:36.208 --> 00:30:39.011 All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently... 00:30:39.578 --> 00:30:40.946 so it tastes better. 00:30:42.714 --> 00:30:44.816 That's pretty much how the game goes. 00:30:44.916 --> 00:30:46.084 I'm just being real, man. 00:30:46.184 --> 00:30:48.486 There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities. 00:30:48.553 --> 00:30:51.756 people don't know what's fake and what's real anymore. 00:30:52.157 --> 00:30:54.392 That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble. 00:30:54.859 --> 00:30:58.129 Look what happened to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby said some real shit... 00:30:58.196 --> 00:31:00.565 and the whole world freaked out on him. 00:31:01.165 --> 00:31:03.134 For what? For having an opinion? 00:31:03.234 --> 00:31:06.137 Because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years... 00:31:06.203 --> 00:31:09.140 people forget that he's a nigger from philly and the projects. 00:31:09.206 --> 00:31:12.076 And he might say some real shit from time to time. 00:31:14.178 --> 00:31:15.312 It's not that big of a deal. 00:31:15.379 --> 00:31:18.449 I spoke at my old high school and I told them kids straight up. 00:31:18.515 --> 00:31:21.585 If you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto... 00:31:21.652 --> 00:31:23.053 you gotta focus... 00:31:23.187 --> 00:31:26.290 you gotta stop blaming white people for your problems... 00:31:26.924 --> 00:31:29.659 and you've gotta learn how to rap... 00:31:29.726 --> 00:31:33.597 or play basketball or something, nigger. You're trapped! You are trapped. 00:31:33.630 --> 00:31:36.333 Either do that or sell crack. That's your only options. 00:31:36.433 --> 00:31:38.368 That's the only way I've ever seen it work. 00:31:38.435 --> 00:31:41.805 You gotta entertain these white people. Gotta get to dancing. 00:31:43.773 --> 00:31:45.808 Go on out there and be somebody. 00:31:50.913 --> 00:31:52.615 I just hope they listen. 00:31:57.353 --> 00:32:01.290 This shit is ridiculous. people worship television. They worship this shit. 00:32:01.390 --> 00:32:03.092 You know, like, if you watch a movie. 00:32:03.192 --> 00:32:06.395 Say you're watching a movie. One character says to another character: 00:32:06.462 --> 00:32:09.898 ''What's your number, man?'' What does the other character always say? 00:32:09.965 --> 00:32:12.134 ''555-5555.'' 00:32:12.634 --> 00:32:14.036 You know why they gotta do that? 00:32:14.102 --> 00:32:16.338 Because stupid-ass people go to the movies... 00:32:16.405 --> 00:32:19.341 then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw. 00:32:19.408 --> 00:32:21.143 ''Hello, is Indiana Jones there?'' 00:32:21.209 --> 00:32:24.045 No, motherfucker, he's fake. It's not his number. 00:32:27.582 --> 00:32:31.352 To be honest, this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity. 00:32:31.453 --> 00:32:33.855 Fuck. They're locking all our stars up. 00:32:35.056 --> 00:32:37.525 It's hot right now for black celebrities. 00:32:37.659 --> 00:32:41.596 I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. I said, this is a wrap for us. 00:32:41.629 --> 00:32:44.131 He's one of the most wholesome dudes we had. 00:32:44.866 --> 00:32:47.068 And they lock him up and everything. 00:32:47.868 --> 00:32:51.539 And Kobe kept it together. Thank God he held his game together... 00:32:51.605 --> 00:32:55.943 because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like, six points a game... 00:32:56.176 --> 00:32:59.213 the whole of L.A. would be like, ''That nigger is guilty.'' 00:33:02.149 --> 00:33:04.051 Kobe was playing his ass off. 00:33:04.751 --> 00:33:07.821 He was playing like his freedom depended on that shit. 00:33:08.689 --> 00:33:10.524 You see this motherfucker in them games... 00:33:10.624 --> 00:33:13.126 this nigger's trying to beat that case on the court. 00:33:20.667 --> 00:33:23.703 Like the judge threw him the ball. ''play for your freedom.'' 00:33:30.943 --> 00:33:34.313 If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say, ''Just relax, you'll be fine, man.'' 00:33:34.380 --> 00:33:37.350 'Cause the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt. 00:33:37.383 --> 00:33:39.652 He's one of the few black celebrities getting that. 00:33:39.752 --> 00:33:42.688 Not cause he's a celebrity, more because... 00:33:42.788 --> 00:33:46.458 the girl showed up with eight different semens to the investigation. 00:33:46.525 --> 00:33:47.926 You can't do that. 00:33:48.694 --> 00:33:50.295 That's seven too many. 00:33:51.463 --> 00:33:54.967 That's a lot of semen. This bitch's got Noah's Ark in her panties. 00:33:55.067 --> 00:33:57.869 What's she trying recreate humanity or something? 00:33:58.036 --> 00:33:59.404 She's a collector. 00:34:01.306 --> 00:34:05.176 Every unsolved mystery, the answer might be in this girl's panties. 00:34:05.277 --> 00:34:07.245 That's the first place I'd look. 00:34:07.412 --> 00:34:09.447 OJ's other glove is in there. 00:34:10.515 --> 00:34:12.016 Bigfoot's footprint. 00:34:12.750 --> 00:34:15.353 Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker. 00:34:19.190 --> 00:34:21.626 She's got the most diabolical drawers ever. 00:34:22.527 --> 00:34:25.663 Fuck being a celebrity. This is not the time to be a black star. 00:34:25.730 --> 00:34:27.832 They're locking all our stars up. 00:34:28.766 --> 00:34:32.036 Black celebrities. It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. 00:34:32.236 --> 00:34:33.804 It's all OJ's fault. 00:34:35.706 --> 00:34:40.110 Ever since OJ got away, white people just been locking up our stars, one by one. 00:34:40.577 --> 00:34:41.645 It's true. 00:34:41.845 --> 00:34:44.982 And it's all.... It's not even OJ's fault. It's our fault. 00:34:45.148 --> 00:34:47.684 We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted. 00:34:47.784 --> 00:34:50.187 We should've been quiet about that shit. 00:34:50.387 --> 00:34:53.557 Soon as there's, ''Not guilty,'' niggers are dancing. 00:34:53.590 --> 00:34:55.859 Oh, in your face, in your face. 00:34:58.294 --> 00:35:00.096 Hurts, don't it? It hurts. 00:35:00.196 --> 00:35:03.766 Burns, doesn't it, man? Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it? 00:35:04.667 --> 00:35:07.603 Welcome to my world, motherfucker, and all that shit. 00:35:08.805 --> 00:35:10.973 White people wanted OJ's ass bad. 00:35:11.707 --> 00:35:15.711 The city of L.A. spent over $1 2 million just trying that motherfucker. 00:35:16.112 --> 00:35:19.415 And the look on white people's faces when he was acquitted... 00:35:19.515 --> 00:35:20.583 priceless. 00:35:30.626 --> 00:35:34.730 And that's why I don't trip off being a celebrity. I don't like it. 00:35:35.030 --> 00:35:36.298 I don't trust it. 00:35:36.365 --> 00:35:38.867 One minute they all love you, the next thing you know... 00:35:38.934 --> 00:35:41.570 you're in front of a courthouse dancing on top of a car... 00:35:41.670 --> 00:35:44.139 trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you. 00:35:52.947 --> 00:35:54.349 That's what I'm waiting for... 00:35:54.415 --> 00:35:58.019 'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson shit is what makes me doubt it. 00:35:58.753 --> 00:36:02.790 Every time there's wars going out of control, or the economy is bad... 00:36:02.857 --> 00:36:04.926 or something is wrong with the world at large... 00:36:05.026 --> 00:36:06.861 it's always these moments in history... 00:36:06.927 --> 00:36:09.463 that Michael Jackson will coincidentally... 00:36:10.664 --> 00:36:13.167 jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. 00:36:13.667 --> 00:36:16.303 Are you planning this shit? You have meetings? 00:36:16.770 --> 00:36:18.772 ''Michael, thank you for coming. 00:36:19.540 --> 00:36:22.576 ''As you know, the war has not been going as well as we expected. 00:36:22.676 --> 00:36:26.313 ''There's been a lot of hiccups, and the public is asking us... 00:36:26.980 --> 00:36:28.749 ''a lot of questions, of course... 00:36:28.815 --> 00:36:32.085 ''and well, Michael, there's no nice way to say this... 00:36:32.185 --> 00:36:35.589 ''and all I know how to do is be direct, so let me just be direct. 00:36:36.556 --> 00:36:39.926 ''We're gonna need you to jerk off another child, Mike. I'm sorry. 00:36:40.026 --> 00:36:41.394 ''I am sorry. 00:36:43.329 --> 00:36:45.365 ''But, it would really help out.'' 00:36:47.567 --> 00:36:49.969 Or maybe he didn't, who knows? 00:36:50.503 --> 00:36:54.307 That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say, who knows? Who the fuck knows? 00:36:54.373 --> 00:36:57.777 Mike, God, and this little boy knows. That's about it. 00:36:59.645 --> 00:37:02.715 The only reason that I can even talk about this shit... 00:37:02.781 --> 00:37:05.284 is because everybody is speculating. 00:37:05.384 --> 00:37:07.653 They all think he did it. I don't think he did it. 00:37:07.753 --> 00:37:10.255 I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it. 00:37:10.422 --> 00:37:13.458 I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it. That's too strong. 00:37:17.663 --> 00:37:20.232 Let me just say I am reserving judgment... 00:37:21.299 --> 00:37:23.168 until all the facts come out. 00:37:23.902 --> 00:37:27.339 So far from what I heard.... I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer... 00:37:27.405 --> 00:37:29.174 he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation. 00:37:29.274 --> 00:37:33.111 He claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish... 00:37:34.179 --> 00:37:35.914 to meet Michael Jackson. 00:37:36.581 --> 00:37:38.249 Come on, man, give me a fucking break. 00:37:38.349 --> 00:37:40.685 This kid is 10 years old. He don't remember Thriller. 00:37:40.785 --> 00:37:43.821 What the fuck he want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly. 00:37:44.989 --> 00:37:48.726 I remember Thriller and I just, like, kind of want to meet this nigger. 00:37:48.893 --> 00:37:50.861 I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him. 00:37:50.895 --> 00:37:53.964 I'll put it that way. I'd have to already be free. 00:37:54.064 --> 00:37:56.300 That's ridiculous. If I'm dying in two weeks and go: 00:37:56.367 --> 00:37:59.903 ''Mama, get me in a room with Chubby Checker''... 00:38:00.304 --> 00:38:02.706 I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker... 00:38:02.773 --> 00:38:06.677 not in my last two weeks. Why not Usher or somebody like this? 00:38:07.377 --> 00:38:09.146 So then the kid claims... 00:38:10.047 --> 00:38:13.316 he goes to Michael's house. This is where it all gets crazy. 00:38:13.383 --> 00:38:15.852 He does everything that you'd expect at Michael's house. 00:38:15.952 --> 00:38:19.456 They climbed trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels. 00:38:19.556 --> 00:38:21.591 The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes. 00:38:21.624 --> 00:38:25.695 They was petting a monkey and giraffes, singing songs. Kid shit. 00:38:26.663 --> 00:38:29.499 And in the middle of all this childlike activity... 00:38:29.732 --> 00:38:31.134 for some reason... 00:38:32.268 --> 00:38:34.670 Mike put out some wine and some pills... 00:38:37.373 --> 00:38:39.175 and sucked this kid's dick. 00:38:40.276 --> 00:38:42.144 Folks, it hurts me to say it. 00:38:43.546 --> 00:38:46.048 And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse. 00:38:46.148 --> 00:38:48.050 Motherfucker, that is a good host. 00:38:48.150 --> 00:38:50.152 God damn. What else do you want? 00:38:53.956 --> 00:38:57.859 I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink at my friend's house... 00:38:58.627 --> 00:39:01.463 let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked. 00:39:04.132 --> 00:39:07.335 Mike must be confused like, ''I brought you in my house, I fed you... 00:39:07.435 --> 00:39:10.905 ''I sucked your dick, and this is how you repay me, motherfucker? 00:39:10.972 --> 00:39:13.341 ''This was your wish, not mine. 00:39:15.843 --> 00:39:18.980 ''Thought you were dying in two weeks. What happened to that? 00:39:19.047 --> 00:39:22.950 ''I've been in court for a year-and-a-half. You get stronger every time I see you.'' 00:39:27.021 --> 00:39:30.391 Wouldn't it.... This is fucked, though. I shouldn't even say this. 00:39:30.458 --> 00:39:32.226 Wouldn't it be some ironic shit... 00:39:32.259 --> 00:39:35.462 if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer... 00:39:35.496 --> 00:39:38.132 was Michael Jackson sucking your dick, somehow? 00:39:40.534 --> 00:39:42.903 Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile... 00:39:42.970 --> 00:39:45.472 and all the kids are like, ''please, Mike, suck on this.'' 00:39:45.539 --> 00:39:47.007 ''Never again. 00:39:47.941 --> 00:39:49.743 ''They didn't appreciate it.'' 00:39:53.113 --> 00:39:55.315 ''Can we at least study your saliva?'' 00:39:56.616 --> 00:39:57.951 ''please, Mike.'' 00:40:03.289 --> 00:40:05.925 It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop. 00:40:06.459 --> 00:40:09.929 And the only reason I can talk about Mike is 'cause he's a freak. 00:40:10.029 --> 00:40:13.299 He is a freak. That's why people let you talk about him. 00:40:13.366 --> 00:40:17.169 If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids, it'd get quiet as shit. 00:40:20.606 --> 00:40:24.410 But when Michael Jackson does it, it's okay, because he's a freak. 00:40:24.577 --> 00:40:26.378 His face is all cut up. 00:40:26.445 --> 00:40:30.416 And just remember, when you look at that thing that he calls his face... 00:40:31.016 --> 00:40:33.085 that he did that for you somehow. 00:40:34.419 --> 00:40:36.588 Somehow he thought maybe it'll help. 00:40:36.655 --> 00:40:40.258 ''Maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a white... 00:40:41.226 --> 00:40:44.062 ''ghoulish-like creature.'' I don't know what it is... 00:40:44.329 --> 00:40:45.931 but he did it for you. 00:40:46.364 --> 00:40:48.433 And I appreciate the gesture, Michael Jackson. 00:40:48.500 --> 00:40:50.869 If you're watching this, I appreciate that gesture... 00:40:50.935 --> 00:40:52.971 and I want you to know, fuck everybody. 00:40:53.071 --> 00:40:56.107 Dave Chappelle understands. 'Cause you wanna know something? 00:40:56.174 --> 00:40:58.810 I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes. 00:40:59.844 --> 00:41:02.346 Nothing major. You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you... 00:41:02.413 --> 00:41:06.050 but it's some shit I'm insecure about that I wanna work on. 00:41:06.617 --> 00:41:07.685 If you must know... 00:41:07.785 --> 00:41:10.654 I'm getting Botox done on my balls to get these wrinkles out. 00:41:10.755 --> 00:41:13.924 Finally, to have these just as smooth as eggs. 00:41:15.392 --> 00:41:16.727 Oh, I can't wait. 00:41:18.629 --> 00:41:20.364 I cannot wait. 00:41:22.432 --> 00:41:25.535 And I'm not stopping there. That's just phase one, baby. 00:41:25.936 --> 00:41:29.139 I'd be like Bob Vila, these old balls, I'm fixing them up. 00:41:30.173 --> 00:41:32.108 I'm plucking all the hair out. 00:41:33.710 --> 00:41:35.712 I gotta make room, I know this. 00:41:36.579 --> 00:41:39.949 I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on... 00:41:40.016 --> 00:41:42.485 with mean expressions, like this. 00:41:43.887 --> 00:41:48.124 Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom, so they got beards like me. 00:41:52.328 --> 00:41:55.698 Then I'm hitting that beach and looking for ball-suckers. 00:41:56.532 --> 00:41:59.068 I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this. 00:42:01.070 --> 00:42:04.406 And walk up to women with a confidence I've never had before. 00:42:04.707 --> 00:42:06.075 ''pardon me, miss... 00:42:06.875 --> 00:42:08.577 ''I don't mean to be rude... 00:42:09.812 --> 00:42:11.647 ''but do you suck balls?'' 00:42:13.415 --> 00:42:14.583 ''Excuse me?'' 00:42:15.050 --> 00:42:17.586 ''Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish. 00:42:18.253 --> 00:42:21.223 ''Do you suck these balls?'' 00:42:23.892 --> 00:42:27.128 ''Oh, my God, those balls are as smooth as eggs. 00:42:28.697 --> 00:42:30.265 ''Yes, I'll suck them.'' 00:42:32.567 --> 00:42:36.137 I've played this scenario out in my mind a million times, ladies. 00:42:36.371 --> 00:42:40.208 That's how it always ends, ''Yes, I'll suck those balls.'' 00:42:45.446 --> 00:42:49.417 All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim. 00:42:52.086 --> 00:42:53.687 I know it was rough... 00:42:53.954 --> 00:42:56.924 but I mean, again, I can't even judge R. Kelly. 00:42:57.024 --> 00:42:59.326 We don't know if these allegations are true or not. 00:42:59.426 --> 00:43:03.463 Even if they are true, if you wanna know how I feel about it, honestly... 00:43:03.530 --> 00:43:05.699 if a man cannot pee on his fans... 00:43:06.133 --> 00:43:10.303 I don't wanna be in show business anymore. Because that's why I got in the game, baby. 00:43:10.370 --> 00:43:11.738 I got dreams, too. 00:43:16.810 --> 00:43:18.211 You guys are confusing the issue. 00:43:18.311 --> 00:43:22.215 While you guys are busy worrying about if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not... 00:43:22.315 --> 00:43:24.350 you're not asking yourself the real question... 00:43:24.417 --> 00:43:26.619 that America needs to decide once and for all. 00:43:26.686 --> 00:43:28.354 And that question is: 00:43:28.654 --> 00:43:30.656 ''How old is 15, really?'' 00:43:35.027 --> 00:43:36.829 No, that's a good question. 00:43:38.764 --> 00:43:41.901 I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're gonna be at 15. 00:43:41.967 --> 00:43:43.536 That's not what I'm saying, man. 00:43:43.636 --> 00:43:46.772 But I am saying, 15 to me... 00:43:47.139 --> 00:43:48.874 is old enough to decide... 00:43:49.375 --> 00:43:52.010 whether or not you want to be pissed on. That's me. 00:43:52.110 --> 00:43:54.980 If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15... 00:43:55.047 --> 00:43:58.817 then just give up, motherfucker, because life is way harder than that. 00:43:59.284 --> 00:44:01.186 I make tougher decisions all the time. 00:44:01.253 --> 00:44:03.455 You don't wanna get pissed on, get out of the way. 00:44:03.488 --> 00:44:04.556 It's not even a decision. 00:44:04.623 --> 00:44:08.059 If I start peeing on the front row they won't have to calculate and think: 00:44:08.126 --> 00:44:11.296 ''How do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?'' They just move! 00:44:13.865 --> 00:44:15.967 You can do that at 15. I could have. 00:44:16.067 --> 00:44:19.904 I've been 15. When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs. 00:44:19.971 --> 00:44:21.372 I smoked reefer from time to time. 00:44:21.472 --> 00:44:24.508 My friends were selling crack. I was trying to finger-fuck people. 00:44:24.575 --> 00:44:28.312 I knew what was happening around me to some degree. 00:44:29.647 --> 00:44:33.817 Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me. 00:44:37.087 --> 00:44:40.257 But it keeps coming up. There's a lot of confusion around that age. 00:44:40.290 --> 00:44:42.860 Any time 15 comes up, people freak out... 00:44:43.026 --> 00:44:45.862 Iike when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped. 00:44:46.129 --> 00:44:47.130 Right? 00:44:47.431 --> 00:44:50.734 In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped... 00:44:50.834 --> 00:44:53.737 then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved. 00:44:53.770 --> 00:44:57.674 And I was the only one saying, ''Damn, she wasn't that smart after all.'' 00:44:57.941 --> 00:45:00.610 Not 'cause she got kidnapped. That could happen to anybody. 00:45:00.710 --> 00:45:01.911 I'm not knocking her for that. 00:45:01.978 --> 00:45:04.847 I'm just saying, if you kidnapped me when I was 15... 00:45:06.115 --> 00:45:10.219 you gotta take me further than 8 miles away from my house, man. God damn. 00:45:10.853 --> 00:45:14.891 You can't hold me prisoner around shit I recognize. I'll break away. 00:45:15.324 --> 00:45:18.928 Fuck off, that's my bus stop. I know where I'm at. I'm going home. 00:45:25.267 --> 00:45:28.303 She was missing for six months 8 miles away from her house. 00:45:28.370 --> 00:45:30.672 That's two exits, man. That's nothing. 00:45:32.808 --> 00:45:36.612 While she was missing.... During this half a year that this girl was missing... 00:45:36.645 --> 00:45:40.348 there's a 7-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in philadelphia. 00:45:40.415 --> 00:45:44.152 Nobody knows her name. They might've talked about it a few times on the news... 00:45:44.219 --> 00:45:46.087 but she should've been the top story. 00:45:46.154 --> 00:45:49.791 She chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail... 00:45:49.858 --> 00:45:52.460 in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old. 00:45:53.194 --> 00:45:54.829 I'm not making this up. 00:45:57.699 --> 00:46:02.036 These two crackheads kidnapped her, took her to the crackhouse and tied her up. 00:46:02.637 --> 00:46:03.938 And then they left her. 00:46:04.005 --> 00:46:06.540 They gotta make moves, crack to smoke, chocolate to eat. 00:46:06.607 --> 00:46:08.542 They made moves. They was out. 00:46:10.044 --> 00:46:12.947 Soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling. 00:46:13.981 --> 00:46:17.751 She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30. 00:46:17.818 --> 00:46:20.687 That shit is crazy. That's a news story. 00:46:23.390 --> 00:46:24.391 Now... 00:46:26.493 --> 00:46:27.928 meanwhile in Utah... 00:46:29.496 --> 00:46:32.766 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone, too. 00:46:32.866 --> 00:46:35.502 And they didn't even tie her up 'cause they're hillbillies. 00:46:35.569 --> 00:46:36.703 They just bounced. 00:46:36.770 --> 00:46:40.140 ''Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you. Be right back.'' 00:46:40.807 --> 00:46:43.977 They leave. And she's 15 sitting in the house by herself. 00:46:44.444 --> 00:46:46.412 ''How am I gonna get out of this? 00:46:49.982 --> 00:46:51.784 ''Come on, Elizabeth, think. 00:46:52.084 --> 00:46:54.887 ''Think, Elizabeth, how am I gonna get out of here?'' 00:46:56.188 --> 00:46:58.124 Just open the fucking door and go outside. 00:46:58.190 --> 00:46:59.492 Have you thought about that? 00:46:59.525 --> 00:47:01.627 You have a quarter? You know your phone number? 00:47:01.694 --> 00:47:04.964 You're 15, bitch! Run! Stop thinking and start making moves! 00:47:06.732 --> 00:47:09.968 I know I sound mean. people are thinking when I'm saying this: 00:47:10.069 --> 00:47:12.337 ''Dave, she's only 15.'' 00:47:12.804 --> 00:47:14.540 All right, but that's the discrepancy... 00:47:14.606 --> 00:47:17.542 'cause when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart... 00:47:17.609 --> 00:47:20.979 then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent. 00:47:21.246 --> 00:47:23.582 On the flip side, here comes 15 again. 00:47:23.648 --> 00:47:26.785 Now we're talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida. 00:47:26.851 --> 00:47:29.087 This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor... 00:47:29.187 --> 00:47:31.890 when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV. 00:47:31.956 --> 00:47:33.525 Now, was he a kid? No. 00:47:34.025 --> 00:47:37.328 They gave him life. They always try our 15-year-olds as adults. 00:47:37.428 --> 00:47:39.630 ''This nigger knew what he was doing. 00:47:39.864 --> 00:47:41.966 ''He's a goddamn pile driver. 00:47:43.768 --> 00:47:46.771 ''This kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him. 00:47:47.271 --> 00:47:49.740 ''We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.'' 00:47:51.142 --> 00:47:53.244 And they gave a 15-year-old boy... 00:47:53.978 --> 00:47:55.512 life in jail. 00:47:56.347 --> 00:47:59.183 If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail... 00:47:59.249 --> 00:48:00.651 it should be legal to pee on him. 00:48:00.684 --> 00:48:04.021 That's all I'm saying. You gotta make up your mind across the board... 00:48:04.087 --> 00:48:07.924 how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying. 00:48:08.125 --> 00:48:09.459 I'm gonna tell you right now... 00:48:09.526 --> 00:48:12.129 if somebody comes in here, puts a gun to my head and says: 00:48:12.229 --> 00:48:14.030 ''Chappelle, you got a choice to make. 00:48:14.097 --> 00:48:17.767 ''You're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go... 00:48:17.967 --> 00:48:20.070 ''but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.'' 00:48:20.904 --> 00:48:22.372 I'm not hesitating. 00:48:22.572 --> 00:48:25.742 ''Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes.'' 00:48:28.745 --> 00:48:32.815 I'd rather get pissed on on the outside than fucked in the butt on the inside. 00:48:35.017 --> 00:48:37.620 I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls... 00:48:37.687 --> 00:48:41.457 and think everything's gonna be all right. It's not that kind of place. 00:48:42.124 --> 00:48:45.995 Take my chances with that piss. piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower. 00:48:46.095 --> 00:48:48.764 I'm certain of it. ''This piss is coming right out. 00:48:51.033 --> 00:48:53.569 ''What could I do? They were gonna put me in jail.'' 00:48:56.405 --> 00:48:56.571 Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors. 00:48:56.571 --> 00:48:59.608 Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors. 00:49:00.876 --> 00:49:02.844 What the fuck is that all about? 00:49:02.978 --> 00:49:05.547 I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking. 00:49:06.181 --> 00:49:08.116 No, that shit was ridiculous. 00:49:09.050 --> 00:49:11.219 The stripper did it. The stripper came up like: 00:49:11.286 --> 00:49:15.657 ''Your smoking is a health risk for me. I don't wanna work in this environment.'' 00:49:18.393 --> 00:49:22.330 Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested pussy in my face. You started it. 00:49:27.101 --> 00:49:28.703 And they threw me out. 00:49:29.437 --> 00:49:31.872 It's the dirtiest place I've ever been thrown out of. 00:49:31.906 --> 00:49:34.975 And just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty.... 00:49:36.176 --> 00:49:39.179 Lap dances at this place: $3. 00:49:40.447 --> 00:49:42.149 It's fucking disgusting. 00:49:42.850 --> 00:49:45.652 And at the same time, who could pass up a sale, son? 00:49:45.752 --> 00:49:48.455 It was $3! Of course I did it. 00:49:49.423 --> 00:49:51.024 It's only 1 2 quarters. 00:49:51.391 --> 00:49:53.527 Said, ''I'll break a five for that.'' 00:49:56.896 --> 00:49:59.099 I've never seen somebody work this hard for $3. 00:49:59.165 --> 00:50:01.868 This lady must've been a throwback to the Great Depression. 00:50:01.935 --> 00:50:03.436 She was all over me. 00:50:03.703 --> 00:50:06.339 It's the first time I ever told a stripper to get off me. 00:50:06.406 --> 00:50:10.076 ''All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss. Thank you. 00:50:11.978 --> 00:50:13.346 ''That'll be all. 00:50:14.113 --> 00:50:17.183 ''That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me! 00:50:18.818 --> 00:50:21.821 ''Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar, lady? 00:50:23.856 --> 00:50:26.525 ''I have a shit streak on the middle of my shirt. 00:50:28.627 --> 00:50:31.630 ''How the fuck am I gonna explain this when I get home?'' 00:50:34.499 --> 00:50:36.935 ''Oh, no, baby, me and Bob were playing basketball... 00:50:37.035 --> 00:50:39.471 ''and Bob dunked on me. He was hanging on the rim... 00:50:39.538 --> 00:50:40.705 ''and his pants fell down. 00:50:40.772 --> 00:50:42.941 ''I was checking up close and he was swinging... 00:50:43.008 --> 00:50:47.445 ''and his butt cheeks might've.... His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt. 00:50:49.581 --> 00:50:51.549 ''Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt? 00:50:51.616 --> 00:50:54.018 ''I don't know. It was midnight. What the fuck? 00:50:56.955 --> 00:50:57.955 ''Just let me think.'' 00:50:58.022 --> 00:51:00.124 That's a guy lying, when he says shit like that. 00:51:00.191 --> 00:51:02.093 ''Hold on, just let me think.'' 00:51:05.429 --> 00:51:08.966 Your man ever said that to you? ''Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?'' 00:51:16.740 --> 00:51:19.476 You guys have made too much progress too fast. 00:51:19.543 --> 00:51:22.746 Not too much, but you're just confused. You made so much progress... 00:51:22.813 --> 00:51:23.947 you even confused. 00:51:24.014 --> 00:51:26.583 Men and women, both like, ''What just happened?'' 00:51:27.150 --> 00:51:29.753 Women got all this money now but they're still like women. 00:51:29.820 --> 00:51:32.289 ''Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 00:51:32.556 --> 00:51:35.058 You'd be thinking, ''Bitch, you got more money than me... 00:51:35.191 --> 00:51:37.327 ''you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 00:51:39.429 --> 00:51:41.664 At the same time, you don't treat a man like a man. 00:51:41.731 --> 00:51:46.035 You don't cook, you don't clean, and you don't do anything a motherfucker says. 00:51:46.102 --> 00:51:48.805 You tell him what to do. Women do this to men all the time. 00:51:48.905 --> 00:51:50.273 ''Come on!'' 00:51:55.144 --> 00:51:56.646 No man wants that shit. 00:51:56.746 --> 00:51:59.148 I don't want anybody to tell me what to do that much. 00:51:59.181 --> 00:52:02.284 You gotta work with me. Like if it makes a man feel like a man... 00:52:02.384 --> 00:52:05.554 to watch the game, let him sit down and watch the game for a minute. 00:52:05.621 --> 00:52:08.490 If he happens to look over at you while watching the game... 00:52:08.590 --> 00:52:12.394 don't look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it. 00:52:12.427 --> 00:52:15.330 pick up your own titty and suck it. Just try it out. 00:52:22.204 --> 00:52:25.807 He will instantly remember why he fell in love. ''Oh, that's right... 00:52:26.808 --> 00:52:29.577 ''I forgot my girl sucks her own titties from time to time. 00:52:29.644 --> 00:52:31.546 ''I can't walk away from that. 00:52:32.780 --> 00:52:34.148 ''It's too hard to find.'' 00:52:34.315 --> 00:52:37.251 See? That took 20 seconds. You can be just as busy as you want... 00:52:37.352 --> 00:52:40.188 suck your own titty and everything's cool. Or how about this? 00:52:40.221 --> 00:52:44.058 If you're making love to your man, might as well spice it up, right? 00:52:44.125 --> 00:52:46.394 How about this? I personally like it. 00:52:47.928 --> 00:52:50.498 I like it when a girl tells me where to come. 00:52:50.564 --> 00:52:53.167 Don't like it when she tells me when to come. I hate it. 00:52:53.267 --> 00:52:56.070 ''Don't come yet.'' Oh, bitch, all these rules! 00:53:09.449 --> 00:53:11.985 Instead of doing that, why don't you just tell us where? 00:53:12.052 --> 00:53:15.388 It would make us feel better. Especially if you're aggressive about it. 00:53:15.422 --> 00:53:18.725 I like it when a girl gets wild with me. ''Come in my face!'' 00:53:22.395 --> 00:53:24.464 Stick your chin out like a boxer. 00:53:26.266 --> 00:53:28.067 ''Bring it on, motherfucker. 00:53:29.035 --> 00:53:30.269 ''You're a bum.'' 00:53:34.273 --> 00:53:37.410 But it doesn't have to be that wild or explicit. 00:53:37.510 --> 00:53:40.546 All a man wants to know is you're interested and will participate. 00:53:40.613 --> 00:53:42.915 You can say anything, he'll be happy. 00:53:43.649 --> 00:53:46.585 ''Come on top of the television.'' All right, fine. 00:53:55.327 --> 00:53:56.795 The weirder the place, the better. 00:53:56.862 --> 00:53:59.698 ''Come in my fishbowl.'' Damn, fishbowl. 00:54:01.266 --> 00:54:03.635 ''Oh, shit, they're eating it all.'' 00:54:15.713 --> 00:54:17.615 Fish love it when I come over. 00:54:18.316 --> 00:54:20.952 ''It's that guy. We're having chicken tonight.'' 00:54:26.023 --> 00:54:29.527 You guys, man, thanks. This has been the best year of my career. 00:54:29.727 --> 00:54:30.795 By far. 00:54:34.498 --> 00:54:36.967 I appreciate you guys watching me. 00:54:40.304 --> 00:54:42.406 'Cause I do it for my kids, really. 00:54:42.506 --> 00:54:43.941 And my kids are off the hook. 00:54:44.007 --> 00:54:47.644 You think I'm a bad motherfucker, wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle. 00:54:47.744 --> 00:54:49.546 This nigger is off the hook. 00:54:50.380 --> 00:54:52.015 My sons are bad. 00:54:52.549 --> 00:54:54.150 My oldest son is three. 00:54:54.784 --> 00:54:57.554 This kid made me a necklace out of macaroni. 00:54:57.620 --> 00:54:59.155 I said, ''This shit is baller.'' 00:54:59.222 --> 00:55:01.925 He painted the macaroni green and put it on a string. 00:55:02.025 --> 00:55:06.095 He tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and I got choked up. 00:55:06.829 --> 00:55:09.265 And he thought I was sad. That's how smart he was. 00:55:09.332 --> 00:55:11.067 He says, ''Are you sad, Daddy?'' 00:55:11.134 --> 00:55:13.069 And I said, ''No, I'm not sad. 00:55:13.836 --> 00:55:18.274 ''You're too young to understand this, son, but this is fucking crazy. 00:55:21.644 --> 00:55:23.913 ''You used to live in my balls, man. 00:55:26.415 --> 00:55:30.385 ''Now you're making jewelry out of macaroni. You're a bad motherfucker.'' 00:55:30.986 --> 00:55:32.788 Long live Chappelles. 00:56:08.356 --> 00:56:09.623 Oh, shit. 00:56:10.858 --> 00:56:13.894 Thanks, guys. Thank you. 00:56:16.096 --> 00:56:17.731 That's what it's all about. 00:56:17.831 --> 00:56:19.733 Everybody usually wants to be famous... 00:56:19.833 --> 00:56:21.935 so they can rock nice jewelry and all that shit. 00:56:22.035 --> 00:56:25.072 I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit. 00:56:32.145 --> 00:56:33.947 I'm not in it for that. 00:56:34.180 --> 00:56:37.250 The only kind of shit I wanna do with fame that's decadent... 00:56:37.350 --> 00:56:41.354 is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000 blackjack table. 00:56:41.421 --> 00:56:42.989 And I don't even wanna play. 00:56:43.056 --> 00:56:47.060 I wanna be such a big star that I can go up to one of the players in a tight hand... 00:56:47.126 --> 00:56:49.195 and put my dick on his shoulder. 00:56:49.462 --> 00:56:52.231 And I'm such a celebrity, they think it's funny. 00:56:54.166 --> 00:56:55.701 ''Hey, what the fuck? 00:56:56.435 --> 00:56:58.471 ''Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle! 00:56:59.105 --> 00:57:00.339 ''Wow.'' 00:57:02.808 --> 00:57:03.909 He gets on his cell phone: 00:57:03.976 --> 00:57:07.579 ''You are not gonna believe whose dick is on my shoulder right now. 00:57:08.847 --> 00:57:11.950 ''And this guy's balls are as smooth as eggs. 00:57:13.151 --> 00:57:14.853 ''He's had some work done.'' 00:57:16.254 --> 00:57:18.590 Couldn't thank you enough. God bless you all, man. 00:57:18.657 --> 00:57:22.093 Keep watching. I'm gonna try to make it interesting. Stay safe.