1 00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:20,886 Why'd you pick San Francisco to shoot your special? 2 00:00:20,986 --> 00:00:23,656 This is one of the best towns that ever knew comedy. 3 00:00:23,756 --> 00:00:27,493 And this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned. 4 00:00:27,593 --> 00:00:29,328 'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here. 5 00:00:29,428 --> 00:00:31,430 Yeah, all the best came through the Bay. 6 00:00:31,497 --> 00:00:34,133 What about Richard? What about Robin Williams? 7 00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,534 Carlin? Mooney? 8 00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:38,070 You don't necessarily have to be the biggest star. 9 00:00:38,136 --> 00:00:40,539 As long as you come with it then people coming out. 10 00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:42,307 They like to see live performances... 11 00:00:42,374 --> 00:00:44,476 because it's a savvy audience. 12 00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:48,046 San Francisco, are you ready? 13 00:00:50,915 --> 00:00:52,817 I don't think he can hear you. 14 00:00:52,884 --> 00:00:53,885 Are you ready? 15 00:00:57,422 --> 00:01:00,491 Welcome to the show. Here's Dave Chappelle. 16 00:01:19,176 --> 00:01:20,544 Oh, man. 17 00:01:22,112 --> 00:01:23,547 Oh, shit. 18 00:01:27,050 --> 00:01:28,585 Yes, bring it on, man. 19 00:01:31,354 --> 00:01:34,124 Yes, thank you. Thank you all. 20 00:01:35,258 --> 00:01:36,793 Thank you for coming. 21 00:01:37,193 --> 00:01:38,495 God damn. 22 00:01:39,262 --> 00:01:40,897 I did it big this year. 23 00:01:42,065 --> 00:01:43,833 From cable, nigger, goddamn. 24 00:01:45,468 --> 00:01:49,105 Thanks for coming out and thanks for making a nigger feel comfortable... 25 00:01:49,172 --> 00:01:51,107 in the gayest place on earth. 26 00:01:54,343 --> 00:01:57,613 You guys got Disney World jealous about this, motherfuckers. 27 00:01:58,514 --> 00:02:01,183 Man. I didn't really think it was that gay at first. 28 00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:03,185 'Cause when I was coming here... 29 00:02:03,252 --> 00:02:05,754 everyone was like, man, that place is really gay. 30 00:02:07,222 --> 00:02:09,992 What the fuck is everybody talking about? It's not so gay. 31 00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:13,195 And then I wandered into that Castro. God damn. 32 00:02:14,029 --> 00:02:17,733 I said, ''This is America's anus right here.'' This shit is deep. 33 00:02:21,870 --> 00:02:24,105 I went to that Tenderloin. 34 00:02:24,773 --> 00:02:27,475 There's nothing tender about that motherfucker at all. 35 00:02:27,542 --> 00:02:30,845 That shit was rough. The opposite of tender. 36 00:02:32,313 --> 00:02:35,817 I have never seen crack smoked so casually before. 37 00:02:38,987 --> 00:02:41,622 These niggers was sitting in front of Starbucks... 38 00:02:41,689 --> 00:02:45,226 smoking crack and drinking coffee. I said, this is off the hook. 39 00:02:45,326 --> 00:02:47,061 Talking about politics... 40 00:02:51,966 --> 00:02:55,035 I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car, man... 41 00:02:55,102 --> 00:02:57,304 and it struck a chord with me. I tried to stop it. 42 00:02:57,371 --> 00:02:59,873 I said, ''Hey!'' And he looked back and saw me and said: 43 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:00,974 ''Keep an eye out.'' 44 00:03:01,075 --> 00:03:04,945 I said, ''Nigger, that was me that said that. I'm not trying to help you. 45 00:03:06,046 --> 00:03:07,781 ''I want this shit to stop.'' 46 00:03:12,819 --> 00:03:13,987 Crackheads are like that. 47 00:03:14,054 --> 00:03:17,424 I had a crackhead break my car window one time. Broke it. 48 00:03:17,857 --> 00:03:19,626 You know what he stole? 49 00:03:19,859 --> 00:03:22,862 Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took. 50 00:03:22,929 --> 00:03:25,431 Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad... 51 00:03:25,632 --> 00:03:28,301 I drove around the neighborhood for five hours... 52 00:03:28,368 --> 00:03:31,904 looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did this. 53 00:03:32,505 --> 00:03:33,973 I finally found him, I grabbed him. 54 00:03:34,073 --> 00:03:37,343 I said, ''Hey, man, what's all this chocolate on your face? 55 00:03:37,777 --> 00:03:39,045 ''Motherfucker.'' 56 00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:42,014 He looked confused. ''Chocolate? 57 00:03:42,114 --> 00:03:44,250 ''This is doo-doo, baby.'' I said.... 58 00:03:45,651 --> 00:03:47,152 Oh, man. 59 00:03:51,423 --> 00:03:52,991 This place is insane. 60 00:03:53,992 --> 00:03:55,827 But you know what I like about San Fran... 61 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:59,164 and the reason I picked this city to do my special is because... 62 00:03:59,264 --> 00:04:03,235 of all the major cities in America, somehow, people get along here better... 63 00:04:03,301 --> 00:04:05,904 than anywhere else I've seen in the country. 64 00:04:06,738 --> 00:04:07,973 That's right. 65 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:18,016 And I always admire San Fran for that. And today, I've realized how you did it. 66 00:04:19,784 --> 00:04:22,754 put all the niggers on the other side of that bridge. 67 00:04:25,256 --> 00:04:28,292 They sure ain't happy on that side. 68 00:04:29,627 --> 00:04:34,265 You leave San Francisco, they're like, ''Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco. 69 00:04:35,432 --> 00:04:38,669 ''Come back in April, we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.'' 70 00:04:38,902 --> 00:04:42,072 When you get to the other side, ''Welcome to Oakland, bitch.'' 71 00:04:43,474 --> 00:04:44,708 Click. Click. 72 00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:56,152 It's fucking crazy. But it also feels like it's an East Coast city... 73 00:04:56,453 --> 00:04:59,589 in the West Coast. You guys got subways and shit. 74 00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:02,325 I'm scared of public transportation. 75 00:05:02,425 --> 00:05:04,794 I was on a bus that was held hostage... 76 00:05:05,662 --> 00:05:06,829 45 minutes. 77 00:05:07,330 --> 00:05:09,666 Wasn't life-threatening. Don't get that impression. 78 00:05:09,699 --> 00:05:12,502 It was a dude jerking off. But the shit was scary, son. 79 00:05:12,568 --> 00:05:13,836 It was scary. 80 00:05:16,539 --> 00:05:19,408 Right before it happened, I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. 81 00:05:19,508 --> 00:05:22,144 It's a long story. It's not the coolest shit I ever did... 82 00:05:22,178 --> 00:05:24,713 and people freaked out. ''Sir! 83 00:05:26,215 --> 00:05:28,984 ''Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay? 84 00:05:29,585 --> 00:05:31,587 ''This is everybody's air, sir.'' 85 00:05:32,488 --> 00:05:34,890 I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble. 86 00:05:35,257 --> 00:05:37,025 And just at that moment... 87 00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:41,263 coincidentally, this homeless dude, out of nowhere pulls his dick out. 88 00:05:41,496 --> 00:05:43,031 Started beating off. 89 00:05:43,498 --> 00:05:44,933 And I was furious. 90 00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:50,138 'Cause nobody's saying shit to this guy. They was just looking like, ''My God.'' 91 00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:56,344 I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to talk to him. 92 00:05:56,411 --> 00:05:59,447 It's not even like I was brave, really, it was that... 93 00:06:00,515 --> 00:06:04,018 I was sitting next to the motherfucker. I had to say something. 94 00:06:06,254 --> 00:06:08,422 Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow. 95 00:06:08,489 --> 00:06:10,658 Stop. Son, just stop. 96 00:06:14,128 --> 00:06:16,964 It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much. 97 00:06:18,032 --> 00:06:21,435 Guy's beating off on the bus, means there's something wrong with him. 98 00:06:21,502 --> 00:06:25,072 He's not wrapped so tight. I didn't wanna push him over the edge. 99 00:06:25,939 --> 00:06:29,543 Soon as I said something, all these dummies on the bus, now they're brave. 100 00:06:29,576 --> 00:06:31,344 ''Oh, he's right.'' 101 00:06:32,813 --> 00:06:36,349 ''put your goddamn cock away. I don't wanna see this anymore.'' 102 00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:38,351 ''I don't wanna see it either.'' ''Yeah.'' 103 00:06:38,418 --> 00:06:39,452 Now, the guy flips out. 104 00:06:39,552 --> 00:06:42,756 ''All right, everybody, back up, back the fuck up. 105 00:06:45,725 --> 00:06:47,794 ''I tried to be nice about this.'' 106 00:06:48,895 --> 00:06:50,630 Now, everybody freaks out. 107 00:06:50,797 --> 00:06:53,099 ''Oh, my God, it's a biological attack.'' 108 00:06:55,535 --> 00:06:57,670 I'm caught in the middle. I can't lose my cool. 109 00:06:57,737 --> 00:07:01,574 I said ''Everybody just calm the fuck down or you're going to get me shot. 110 00:07:05,311 --> 00:07:06,645 ''Let's all just be cool. 111 00:07:06,745 --> 00:07:10,182 ''Let's do what this man says, so he'll leave us alone.'' 112 00:07:10,949 --> 00:07:12,651 Now everybody gets quiet. 113 00:07:17,356 --> 00:07:18,657 ''That's better. 114 00:07:19,858 --> 00:07:21,693 ''That is better.'' 115 00:07:26,164 --> 00:07:30,135 And then he started walking up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us. 116 00:07:37,809 --> 00:07:39,944 And then he starts making demands. 117 00:07:40,411 --> 00:07:42,180 ''You in the pink shirt... 118 00:07:42,513 --> 00:07:44,415 ''squeeze your tits together.'' 119 00:07:44,949 --> 00:07:46,450 ''Oh, God, no.'' 120 00:07:51,455 --> 00:07:55,459 ''You. Stick your finger in your butt.'' ''Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?'' 121 00:07:55,526 --> 00:07:56,894 ''Oh, God.'' 122 00:08:00,130 --> 00:08:02,966 He was working my way. The shit was tight. 123 00:08:04,368 --> 00:08:07,971 Just that minute, I got saved, dudes. I was so lucky. 124 00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,707 This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped. 125 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,176 He lost his mind. I seen it happen. 126 00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:16,980 He screamed out, ''Rush him. 127 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:20,850 ''He can't come on all of us.'' He charges down the aisle. 128 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,587 And it's like a movie. This homeless dude's seen him coming. 129 00:08:24,654 --> 00:08:26,022 He shot one off. 130 00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:32,228 I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigger. 131 00:08:40,569 --> 00:08:42,605 The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though. 132 00:08:42,705 --> 00:08:44,607 ''No!'' 133 00:08:49,044 --> 00:08:50,546 That shit was gross. 134 00:08:51,346 --> 00:08:54,983 It didn't kill him, but it was.... I'm sure that fucked his day up. 135 00:08:55,884 --> 00:08:59,021 You're not gonna have a normal day if a homeless dude... 136 00:08:59,254 --> 00:09:01,823 busts a nut on your forehead at 8:30 in the morning. 137 00:09:01,890 --> 00:09:04,192 That's a wrap on the rest of the day. 138 00:09:06,261 --> 00:09:08,630 That guy was freaking out. ''It burns!'' 139 00:09:14,302 --> 00:09:18,072 Everyone was standing around looking at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad. 140 00:09:20,608 --> 00:09:23,544 I guess he was finished, he came back to his senses. 141 00:09:24,445 --> 00:09:26,047 ''Oh, this is my stop.'' 142 00:09:27,949 --> 00:09:31,218 I said, ''Relax, motherfucker.'' I had to say something. 143 00:09:31,685 --> 00:09:33,988 ''Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it.'' 144 00:09:34,054 --> 00:09:37,858 I said, ''You can't get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead. 145 00:09:37,891 --> 00:09:39,727 ''That's not how it spreads.'' 146 00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:42,329 I don't know if it's true. That's just what I told him. 147 00:09:42,429 --> 00:09:44,898 He was so scared, I had to say something. 148 00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:50,037 I don't know where AIDS comes from. Who the fuck knows? 149 00:09:50,103 --> 00:09:51,905 Scientists don't even know. 150 00:09:52,606 --> 00:09:57,010 Scientists still say AIDS started 'cause somebody had sex with a monkey. 151 00:09:57,978 --> 00:09:58,979 Word? 152 00:10:00,847 --> 00:10:04,751 After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with.... 153 00:10:04,851 --> 00:10:07,687 Nobody fucks monkeys and people, you idiot. 154 00:10:08,288 --> 00:10:10,790 You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people. 155 00:10:10,857 --> 00:10:13,292 That's it. There's no in-between. 156 00:10:14,927 --> 00:10:17,063 You're not gonna get monkey pussy on Tuesday... 157 00:10:17,129 --> 00:10:19,832 and then be like, ''Well, let me call Charlene,'' on Thursday. 158 00:10:19,899 --> 00:10:23,135 No. Once you fuck a monkey, that's a firm decision. 159 00:10:23,702 --> 00:10:26,538 I'm out of the human pussy game for good. 160 00:10:29,608 --> 00:10:32,778 It's ridiculous. They act like monkeys are just as open as... 161 00:10:32,811 --> 00:10:34,646 waiting for people to fuck them, man. 162 00:10:34,746 --> 00:10:37,149 Monkeys don't wanna be fucked by people. 163 00:10:37,349 --> 00:10:41,086 Think about it. Think about how hard it would be to catch a monkey... 164 00:10:41,853 --> 00:10:44,189 and fuck it. That's ridiculous. 165 00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:46,791 That's how it had to go down. 166 00:10:46,858 --> 00:10:49,327 You think you're going to walk up to him in the woods... 167 00:10:49,427 --> 00:10:51,463 and bribe this nigger with fruits and bananas? 168 00:10:51,529 --> 00:10:53,097 ''Hey, buddy, hey. 169 00:10:58,970 --> 00:11:01,973 ''There you go, buddy, yeah. 170 00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:09,347 ''There you go, your big bright red ass. 171 00:11:15,486 --> 00:11:17,588 ''This big bright red booty.'' 172 00:11:19,289 --> 00:11:21,492 Do you know how strong a monkey is? 173 00:11:22,526 --> 00:11:25,295 It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk. 174 00:11:27,698 --> 00:11:30,934 Throw that shit in the tall grass, to never be seen again. 175 00:11:34,471 --> 00:11:38,541 ''Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club, pick up some girls, you trying to roll?'' 176 00:11:39,409 --> 00:11:41,111 ''No, man, I'm cool. 177 00:11:42,245 --> 00:11:46,216 ''I'm gonna stay home, chill with my monkey. 178 00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:52,789 ''You know how long it took me to train this monkey... 179 00:11:53,556 --> 00:11:55,124 ''to suck my dick... 180 00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:57,660 ''without peeling it? 181 00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:04,533 ''Last night, Chimp-chimp jerked me off with his feet. 182 00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:08,370 ''Nigger, only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness. 183 00:12:08,804 --> 00:12:11,540 ''So you all keep fucking these people if you want, niggers. 184 00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:13,709 ''No, it's monkey pussy for me. 185 00:12:15,544 --> 00:12:18,046 ''I'm hooking up with an orangutan next week. 186 00:12:19,214 --> 00:12:21,783 '''Cause all I fuck is chimps and orangutans.'' 187 00:12:24,486 --> 00:12:27,589 You know who I feel real bad for is Indians. 188 00:12:27,989 --> 00:12:29,491 Everybody feels bad for the Indians. 189 00:12:29,591 --> 00:12:33,661 They get dogged openly, 'cause everybody thinks they're dead. 190 00:12:34,262 --> 00:12:36,364 These motherfuckers are not all dead, all right? 191 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,233 I've seen, with my own eyes, I've seen a gathering... 192 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,036 of 1,500 Native Americans. 193 00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:47,174 They were all gathered in one place. The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico. 194 00:12:50,745 --> 00:12:53,147 They were everywhere. I've never seen Indians before. 195 00:12:53,214 --> 00:12:55,216 I wasn't even sure if they were Indians. 196 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,551 It was fucked up, but I asked one of them. 197 00:12:58,485 --> 00:13:01,288 It's not nice, but I seen them in the sports section... 198 00:13:01,355 --> 00:13:04,892 looking at bows and arrows. I had to say something. ''Excuse me... 199 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,796 ''I don't mean to be rude... 200 00:13:12,165 --> 00:13:13,567 ''are you an Indian?'' 201 00:13:14,134 --> 00:13:15,702 And he was cool. ''Yes. 202 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,571 ''Yes, I am Indian.'' 203 00:13:19,739 --> 00:13:21,541 I still didn't believe him. 204 00:13:21,741 --> 00:13:23,209 I had to test him and be sure. 205 00:13:23,309 --> 00:13:25,812 This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket. 206 00:13:25,912 --> 00:13:28,948 So, I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor. 207 00:13:30,950 --> 00:13:34,420 And a single tear came out his eye. I said, ''Oh, shit.'' 208 00:13:38,090 --> 00:13:39,859 I have so many questions. 209 00:13:42,394 --> 00:13:44,530 I said, ''What tribe are you from?'' 210 00:13:45,364 --> 00:13:48,033 ''I am a Navajo.'' 211 00:13:48,734 --> 00:13:50,235 I said, ''Word? 212 00:13:52,304 --> 00:13:54,573 ''I studied you in Social Studies. 213 00:13:57,509 --> 00:13:59,711 ''You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?'' 214 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:03,415 He said, ''I guess so... 215 00:14:04,783 --> 00:14:07,052 ''if that's what you wish to call it.'' 216 00:14:07,252 --> 00:14:09,020 I said, ''Why, what do you call it?'' 217 00:14:09,087 --> 00:14:10,455 He said, ''I am... 218 00:14:11,556 --> 00:14:12,857 ''an alcoholic.'' 219 00:14:19,464 --> 00:14:21,265 I said, ''Well, what's your name, dog?'' 220 00:14:21,332 --> 00:14:24,435 He said, ''please. Dog is my cousin. That was a good guess. 221 00:14:24,502 --> 00:14:25,770 ''My name is... 222 00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:27,805 ''Running Coyote. 223 00:14:28,606 --> 00:14:30,341 ''What is your name, friend?'' 224 00:14:30,408 --> 00:14:34,378 And that shit caught me off guard. I didn't wanna say my name was Dave... 225 00:14:34,745 --> 00:14:37,848 to a motherfucker named Running Coyote. It don't feel good enough. 226 00:14:37,948 --> 00:14:39,750 He's putting me on the spot. 227 00:14:39,817 --> 00:14:41,618 I said, ''My name? What? 228 00:14:43,153 --> 00:14:44,955 ''Oh, my name's Black Feet.'' 229 00:14:49,426 --> 00:14:53,029 I changed the subject. ''Forget about me. What's going on with you? 230 00:14:53,396 --> 00:14:55,065 ''I wanna meet your chief. 231 00:14:55,131 --> 00:14:58,368 ''Why don't me, you, your Chief, and your friends get together tonight? 232 00:14:58,435 --> 00:15:00,804 ''We could have a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual. 233 00:15:00,904 --> 00:15:03,606 ''We need to celebrate 'cause I thought you were dead.'' 234 00:15:04,974 --> 00:15:08,011 And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like I dreamed. 235 00:15:08,111 --> 00:15:11,147 We was all sitting around. The Indians was beating the drums. 236 00:15:15,618 --> 00:15:17,553 Other Indians came out the back... 237 00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:21,290 with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in front of us. 238 00:15:24,593 --> 00:15:25,995 Opened that shit up... 239 00:15:26,061 --> 00:15:29,164 and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers. 240 00:15:30,532 --> 00:15:33,068 And bags of weed were all over the blanket. 241 00:15:35,270 --> 00:15:36,872 The chief walked over. 242 00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:46,615 ''The big ones are 50. The little ones are 25 and these are 10.'' 243 00:15:55,290 --> 00:15:57,525 Man, those Indians got high as shit. 244 00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:01,863 I was baked. I told the chief. He was talking, I cut him off. 245 00:16:01,929 --> 00:16:03,297 ''Time out, Chief. 246 00:16:03,664 --> 00:16:05,132 ''Sorry to interrupt. 247 00:16:05,466 --> 00:16:08,035 ''I'm fucking smashed, man. The weed's too strong. 248 00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:11,072 ''You sure this isn't pCp? The spirits have got me. 249 00:16:11,105 --> 00:16:13,474 ''Chief, the spirits have got me.'' 250 00:16:15,009 --> 00:16:18,612 And the Chief threw some water in my face. ''Calm down, Blackface.'' 251 00:16:20,314 --> 00:16:23,350 I said, ''It's Black Feet, motherfucker. Take it easy.'' 252 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,389 ''Black Feet... 253 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,693 ''you are welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night... 254 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,796 ''until the spirits leave you.'' 255 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,234 And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in... 256 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:44,904 which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little fucked up. 257 00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,573 You know, 'cause they all had houses. 258 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,776 It's like, why can't I sleep with you all in the house and watch TV? 259 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,311 Like, I can't be on this grass all night. 260 00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,886 The Indians is rude, man. Everybody's rude, the Indians. 261 00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:04,356 They eating nasty food. All they ate was corn and shit. 262 00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,459 Doritos, I think they called it. 263 00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:10,863 That's right. 264 00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:14,967 people only see the surface. They see the division in our foods. 265 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,004 Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon... 266 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,474 they think there's something wrong with me. 267 00:17:22,507 --> 00:17:24,676 If you don't like chicken or watermelon... 268 00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:27,512 something is wrong with you, motherfucker. 269 00:17:27,979 --> 00:17:31,583 Where are all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon? 270 00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:35,286 I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is. It's great. 271 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:40,992 I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken. 272 00:17:42,794 --> 00:17:44,462 It's the least I can do. 273 00:17:46,931 --> 00:17:50,568 They make fun of Latin people for eating.... What you all eating? 274 00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:53,537 Beans? Rice? Corn? 275 00:17:54,071 --> 00:17:56,907 Listen, that's not a reason to hate a motherfucker, all right? 276 00:17:56,974 --> 00:17:59,777 It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate. 277 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:06,717 The only reason these things are even an issue is because... 278 00:18:07,484 --> 00:18:09,052 nobody knows what white people eat. 279 00:18:09,152 --> 00:18:13,356 You've been very good at keeping that shit a secret amongst yourselves. 280 00:18:14,024 --> 00:18:17,827 I study white people. You don't know that. I'm writing a paper on you. 281 00:18:19,462 --> 00:18:20,563 Not even for school, nigger. 282 00:18:20,663 --> 00:18:23,433 Just to do it, just to do this independent research. 283 00:18:23,466 --> 00:18:26,502 I'm spending my money. That's why I'm working so hard. 284 00:18:27,704 --> 00:18:29,972 I follow you around grocery stores. They freak out. 285 00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:31,174 I try to peek in their cart. 286 00:18:31,274 --> 00:18:34,710 They say, ''Get away from my cart, nigger. What're you looking at? 287 00:18:35,945 --> 00:18:38,147 ''Chicken and giblets are over there. 288 00:18:38,948 --> 00:18:42,151 ''You must be lost. These are vegetables.'' 289 00:18:48,824 --> 00:18:50,392 I know what you drink. 290 00:18:50,492 --> 00:18:52,027 See how quiet it got. 291 00:18:53,595 --> 00:18:54,596 Grape juice. 292 00:18:54,663 --> 00:18:58,367 Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you? 293 00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:00,769 Oh, don't play dumb with me. 294 00:19:02,704 --> 00:19:06,408 A lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice... 295 00:19:06,508 --> 00:19:08,376 because they have grape drink. 296 00:19:08,476 --> 00:19:10,812 It's not the same formula that you get. 297 00:19:12,814 --> 00:19:14,816 Ain't no vitamins in that shit. 298 00:19:15,817 --> 00:19:17,885 You might have one of your black friends over. 299 00:19:17,986 --> 00:19:21,823 ''Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?'' ''What? 300 00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:24,992 ''Nigger, what the fuck is juice? 301 00:19:27,061 --> 00:19:29,063 ''I want some grape drink, baby. 302 00:19:30,231 --> 00:19:31,465 ''It's purple. 303 00:19:34,268 --> 00:19:37,271 ''I don't think I know what a grape drink is.'' ''What?'' 304 00:19:37,905 --> 00:19:41,475 ''I have some apple juice, if you want.'' ''What the fuck is juice? 305 00:19:42,342 --> 00:19:44,111 ''I want some apple drink. 306 00:19:46,346 --> 00:19:47,547 ''It's green.'' 307 00:19:53,854 --> 00:19:55,822 Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight... 308 00:19:55,889 --> 00:19:57,991 when all the kids run in from outside playing... 309 00:19:58,058 --> 00:20:00,060 and they all run to the fridge? 310 00:20:00,727 --> 00:20:03,897 ''All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D.'' 311 00:20:03,963 --> 00:20:07,267 As soon as they say ''Sunny D,'' all the kids go, ''Yeah!'' 312 00:20:08,668 --> 00:20:09,969 Watch the black kid in the back. 313 00:20:10,069 --> 00:20:12,305 If you see that commercial, look at that black kid. 314 00:20:12,371 --> 00:20:14,874 He'd be like, ''I want that purple stuff.'' 315 00:20:16,676 --> 00:20:19,045 That's drink, nigger, it's drink. 316 00:20:23,249 --> 00:20:24,617 They want drink. 317 00:20:25,784 --> 00:20:28,887 They don't want all them vitamins, man. They want drink. 318 00:20:29,088 --> 00:20:30,622 Sugar, water, purple. 319 00:20:32,658 --> 00:20:35,027 That's the ingredients: Sugar, water... 320 00:20:35,928 --> 00:20:37,529 and of course, purple. 321 00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:42,968 It's too fucking much. 322 00:20:43,268 --> 00:20:45,036 I got a lot of things to talk about tonight. 323 00:20:45,270 --> 00:20:47,706 First of all, I've stopped smoking weed... 324 00:20:49,341 --> 00:20:52,577 with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherfuckers. God damn. 325 00:20:52,644 --> 00:20:55,213 I'm sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly... 326 00:20:55,313 --> 00:20:57,448 but I can't smoke with you anymore. 327 00:20:58,349 --> 00:21:01,052 Every time I smoke weed with my black friends... 328 00:21:01,419 --> 00:21:02,954 all you talk about... 329 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,590 is your trials and tribulations. 330 00:21:05,823 --> 00:21:09,060 I'm sick of that shit. I got my own problems. That's a waste of weed. 331 00:21:09,126 --> 00:21:12,630 I'm smoking weed to run from my problems, not take on yours. 332 00:21:12,696 --> 00:21:16,233 From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people. 333 00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:21,705 Calm down, motherfuckers, you win by default. 334 00:21:25,142 --> 00:21:27,144 You got good weed conversation. 335 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:31,048 All white people talk about when they get high... 336 00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,683 is other times that they got high. 337 00:21:35,819 --> 00:21:37,454 I could listen to that shit all night. 338 00:21:37,554 --> 00:21:41,257 ''Dude, remember at Frank's last week, I was fucking smashed, man.'' 339 00:21:42,659 --> 00:21:46,229 And catalogs everything they drink. ''I had two shots of Jäger... 340 00:21:47,297 --> 00:21:49,866 ''tequila, four bong hits, man... 341 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,870 ''beer, cheeseburger.'' 342 00:21:55,738 --> 00:21:57,707 That shit is great. The only bad part is... 343 00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:01,377 you cannot pass out around white people. 344 00:22:02,711 --> 00:22:05,848 Every time white dudes pass out around each other... 345 00:22:05,948 --> 00:22:10,085 they always do some borderline-gay shit when the guys are sleeping. 346 00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:15,057 ''Frank fell asleep so we, like, stuck a carrot in his ass... 347 00:22:15,724 --> 00:22:18,026 ''and put shaving cream on his balls.'' 348 00:22:18,193 --> 00:22:20,829 Why, motherfucker? Why'd you do that to a friend of yours? 349 00:22:20,896 --> 00:22:23,899 He trusted you to sleep around you. You put a carrot in his ass? 350 00:22:23,932 --> 00:22:25,166 Is that nice? 351 00:22:27,469 --> 00:22:30,105 I'll tell you, if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass... 352 00:22:30,171 --> 00:22:32,774 he will kill you when he wakes up for some shit like that. 353 00:22:32,874 --> 00:22:36,210 That is an automatic death sentence on the street. 354 00:22:36,411 --> 00:22:39,914 It's a wrap for you. ''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.'' 355 00:22:41,549 --> 00:22:44,785 ''I thought you all was friends, baby. What happened?'' 356 00:22:47,488 --> 00:22:51,058 ''I fell asleep at his house. We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house... 357 00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:53,227 ''and while I was sleeping, right.... 358 00:22:54,929 --> 00:22:58,465 ''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. That's all you need to know. 359 00:22:58,899 --> 00:23:00,334 ''And fuck carrots.'' 360 00:23:04,371 --> 00:23:06,340 But everybody's getting along. 361 00:23:06,873 --> 00:23:09,142 I see that shit. I see it all around. 362 00:23:09,176 --> 00:23:11,711 Blacks and whites don't fight so much. 363 00:23:12,112 --> 00:23:14,981 You know who don't have no beef with anybody is Asian people. 364 00:23:15,048 --> 00:23:16,850 I see how you all be doing. 365 00:23:18,385 --> 00:23:20,220 You all just lay in the cut. 366 00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:24,090 The only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people. 367 00:23:25,258 --> 00:23:28,294 Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese. I've done this. 368 00:23:28,394 --> 00:23:30,029 They'll flip out. ''Hey. 369 00:23:31,497 --> 00:23:33,666 ''What makes you think I'm Chinese? 370 00:23:34,467 --> 00:23:35,935 ''I am Korean. 371 00:23:36,736 --> 00:23:38,504 ''Do I look Chinese?'' 372 00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:42,741 Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese. That's why I said it. 373 00:23:42,808 --> 00:23:46,645 It's an accident. To the untrained eye, you all look Chinese to me. 374 00:23:48,180 --> 00:23:50,182 It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you. 375 00:23:50,249 --> 00:23:53,886 Some say all black people look alike. We don't get bent out of shape. 376 00:23:53,986 --> 00:23:56,788 We normally just call those people ''police,'' okay? 377 00:23:58,056 --> 00:24:00,092 Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you. 378 00:24:00,092 --> 00:24:01,426 Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you. 379 00:24:02,227 --> 00:24:04,462 Everybody's afraid of the police now. 380 00:24:05,263 --> 00:24:07,465 I'm scared to death of these police. 381 00:24:07,532 --> 00:24:09,467 I am. I got a police scanner. 382 00:24:09,534 --> 00:24:12,370 First money I got, that's the first shit I went out and bought. 383 00:24:12,470 --> 00:24:15,907 I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out. 384 00:24:15,974 --> 00:24:17,575 Just to make sure everything's cool. 385 00:24:17,675 --> 00:24:20,178 You hear shit on it. ''Calling all cars. 386 00:24:20,244 --> 00:24:23,915 ''Be on the lookout for a black male between 4'7'' and 6'8''. 387 00:24:26,984 --> 00:24:29,353 Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that. 388 00:24:30,554 --> 00:24:32,857 Gotta work on that alibi for a minute. 389 00:24:33,290 --> 00:24:35,426 Every black person needs an alibi. 390 00:24:36,493 --> 00:24:37,895 I do them impromptu joints. 391 00:24:37,995 --> 00:24:39,530 If I'm by myself and need an alibi... 392 00:24:39,630 --> 00:24:42,466 I open up the windows in the apartment, turn the lights on... 393 00:24:42,533 --> 00:24:44,868 start beating off right in the window. 394 00:24:44,935 --> 00:24:48,505 Hey, everybody. Look, it's me, Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off. 395 00:24:48,572 --> 00:24:50,607 Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35. 396 00:24:50,707 --> 00:24:52,776 Look at me, I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35. 397 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:56,046 Comedian Dave Chappelle, June 10, note the time. 398 00:25:01,484 --> 00:25:03,052 That shit could save my life. 399 00:25:03,153 --> 00:25:05,054 ''Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that. 400 00:25:05,154 --> 00:25:08,858 ''I saw him in his window masturbating from 2:35 to 2:37. 401 00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:10,827 ''I'm certain of it. 402 00:25:11,194 --> 00:25:14,964 ''He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper.'' 403 00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:21,036 Fuck, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity. 404 00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:22,938 This shit is just the worst. 405 00:25:23,572 --> 00:25:27,343 I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man, these motherfuckers. 406 00:25:27,409 --> 00:25:30,412 I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. 407 00:25:30,446 --> 00:25:32,414 I don't get to see my kids so much. 408 00:25:32,514 --> 00:25:36,218 I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day. Sleep for, like, half an hour. 409 00:25:36,285 --> 00:25:39,087 Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes and I go back to work. 410 00:25:39,187 --> 00:25:40,188 Now... 411 00:25:42,657 --> 00:25:44,893 this particular day I got to hook up with the kids. 412 00:25:44,993 --> 00:25:47,662 We went to Disney World. Everybody at the park... 413 00:25:47,696 --> 00:25:49,097 fucking everybody. 414 00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:53,701 ''Hey. I'm Rick James, bitch.'' 415 00:26:00,808 --> 00:26:02,543 It's like, ''Hey, man, hey... 416 00:26:03,110 --> 00:26:06,247 ''you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? 417 00:26:06,714 --> 00:26:09,216 ''Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off.'' 418 00:26:11,986 --> 00:26:13,053 Even Mickey Mouse did it. 419 00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:17,091 I said, this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life. 420 00:26:19,059 --> 00:26:20,527 ''Rick James, bitch.'' 421 00:26:21,662 --> 00:26:22,896 I was fed up. 422 00:26:23,864 --> 00:26:26,500 I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. 423 00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:28,235 Knocked his head clean off. 424 00:26:28,302 --> 00:26:30,704 Everybody was screaming. ''Oh, my God. 425 00:26:32,973 --> 00:26:34,708 ''Mickey Mouse is Mexican.'' 426 00:26:48,421 --> 00:26:50,690 I had a terrible time in Disney World. 427 00:26:51,257 --> 00:26:53,126 Disney World's like another country anyway. 428 00:26:53,226 --> 00:26:57,029 They got their own currency. That shit is ridiculous. 429 00:26:57,430 --> 00:26:58,898 Soon as I check into the hotel: 430 00:26:58,931 --> 00:27:00,666 ''Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle. 431 00:27:00,733 --> 00:27:04,570 ''Can we interest you in some Disney dollars?'' 432 00:27:05,704 --> 00:27:07,373 ''No, man, I'm cool. 433 00:27:08,374 --> 00:27:10,309 ''Can't buy weed and pussy with Disney dollars. 434 00:27:10,376 --> 00:27:11,743 ''I'm on vacation.'' 435 00:27:13,178 --> 00:27:14,780 I like them greenbacks. 436 00:27:15,414 --> 00:27:17,616 I Iike them greenbacks, you know what I'm saying? 437 00:27:17,649 --> 00:27:21,052 The kind of money people spend. people are very particular about that. 438 00:27:21,153 --> 00:27:23,688 One of the main stories from the war was.... 439 00:27:23,788 --> 00:27:27,859 The first big thing we did was they said, ''Now that Iraq has been liberated... 440 00:27:28,093 --> 00:27:32,097 ''we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.'' 441 00:27:33,731 --> 00:27:37,302 And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference came on, I was choked up. 442 00:27:37,368 --> 00:27:39,203 I was actually proud to be an American... 443 00:27:39,303 --> 00:27:43,908 because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression... 444 00:27:43,975 --> 00:27:45,509 to have a dictator on your money. 445 00:27:45,576 --> 00:27:49,013 And it's thoughtful to be able to take that motherfucker off... 446 00:27:49,046 --> 00:27:51,449 for the goodwill of another person, right? 447 00:27:51,549 --> 00:27:55,686 But then I thought, if you could do that for Iraq, what about our money? 448 00:27:55,786 --> 00:27:59,189 Our money looks like baseball cards with slave owners on them. 449 00:28:01,625 --> 00:28:04,328 George Washington's the worst of the worst. 450 00:28:05,095 --> 00:28:06,396 Yes, I said it. 451 00:28:07,898 --> 00:28:11,168 We mythologize this motherfucker like he was the greatest dude, man. 452 00:28:11,268 --> 00:28:13,303 If I went back in time with a white person... 453 00:28:13,370 --> 00:28:16,539 and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine... 454 00:28:16,606 --> 00:28:20,410 my white friend would probably say, ''Dave, look, there's George Washington. 455 00:28:20,510 --> 00:28:23,613 ''The father of this great nation. I'm gonna go shake his hand.'' 456 00:28:23,646 --> 00:28:27,216 I'd be on the other side like, ''Run, nigger! George Washington!'' 457 00:28:28,885 --> 00:28:30,553 And we'd both be right. 458 00:28:30,987 --> 00:28:34,590 You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and that shit. 459 00:28:34,657 --> 00:28:37,460 ''We hold these truths to be self-evident. 460 00:28:37,526 --> 00:28:39,862 ''All men are created equal.'' 461 00:28:40,796 --> 00:28:43,566 ''Go get me a sandwich, nigger, or I'll kill you.'' 462 00:28:44,166 --> 00:28:45,968 ''Liberty, justice for all.'' 463 00:28:48,370 --> 00:28:51,940 Am I wrong? Wait a minute, did he not own slaves? 464 00:28:53,008 --> 00:28:54,610 That's all I'm saying. 465 00:28:56,912 --> 00:29:00,248 I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. 466 00:29:02,484 --> 00:29:06,554 Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, ''Fuck that.'' 467 00:29:07,822 --> 00:29:11,793 If they'll do that to three white women, they will tear my black ass to pieces. 468 00:29:11,860 --> 00:29:13,728 I don't wanna hear that shit. 469 00:29:14,195 --> 00:29:15,597 Yeah, man, they would. 470 00:29:15,663 --> 00:29:19,634 But I'm, like, for real, why do you care so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying? 471 00:29:19,701 --> 00:29:23,571 It's not like they're political scientists. They just can sing good... 472 00:29:23,604 --> 00:29:25,139 you know what I mean? 473 00:29:25,539 --> 00:29:28,976 Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't pay attention. 474 00:29:29,543 --> 00:29:34,248 I remember right around September 1 1, Ja Rule was on MTV. 475 00:29:34,348 --> 00:29:37,051 That's what they said. ''We got Ja Rule on the phone. 476 00:29:37,084 --> 00:29:39,987 ''Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy.'' 477 00:29:40,154 --> 00:29:42,790 Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this? 478 00:29:42,856 --> 00:29:46,226 This is ridiculous. I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death. 479 00:29:49,396 --> 00:29:52,866 I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now. 480 00:29:53,567 --> 00:29:56,536 You think when bad shit happens to me, I'll be in the crib like: 481 00:29:56,636 --> 00:29:59,773 ''God, this is terrible. Could somebody please... 482 00:30:00,206 --> 00:30:04,611 ''find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker so I can make sense of all this. 483 00:30:05,211 --> 00:30:06,813 ''Where is Ja? 484 00:30:08,414 --> 00:30:10,049 ''I need Ja Rule.'' 485 00:30:15,054 --> 00:30:17,556 I don't even know why people listen to me. 486 00:30:18,190 --> 00:30:21,927 I'll say anything. I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi. 487 00:30:22,027 --> 00:30:25,164 I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I say what it takes. 488 00:30:25,264 --> 00:30:27,733 Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying. 489 00:30:29,668 --> 00:30:33,071 If you wanna know the truth, can't even taste the difference. 490 00:30:33,138 --> 00:30:34,373 Surprise! 491 00:30:36,208 --> 00:30:39,011 All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently... 492 00:30:39,578 --> 00:30:40,946 so it tastes better. 493 00:30:42,714 --> 00:30:44,816 That's pretty much how the game goes. 494 00:30:44,916 --> 00:30:46,084 I'm just being real, man. 495 00:30:46,184 --> 00:30:48,486 There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities. 496 00:30:48,553 --> 00:30:51,756 people don't know what's fake and what's real anymore. 497 00:30:52,157 --> 00:30:54,392 That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble. 498 00:30:54,859 --> 00:30:58,129 Look what happened to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby said some real shit... 499 00:30:58,196 --> 00:31:00,565 and the whole world freaked out on him. 500 00:31:01,165 --> 00:31:03,134 For what? For having an opinion? 501 00:31:03,234 --> 00:31:06,137 Because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years... 502 00:31:06,203 --> 00:31:09,140 people forget that he's a nigger from philly and the projects. 503 00:31:09,206 --> 00:31:12,076 And he might say some real shit from time to time. 504 00:31:14,178 --> 00:31:15,312 It's not that big of a deal. 505 00:31:15,379 --> 00:31:18,449 I spoke at my old high school and I told them kids straight up. 506 00:31:18,515 --> 00:31:21,585 If you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto... 507 00:31:21,652 --> 00:31:23,053 you gotta focus... 508 00:31:23,187 --> 00:31:26,290 you gotta stop blaming white people for your problems... 509 00:31:26,924 --> 00:31:29,659 and you've gotta learn how to rap... 510 00:31:29,726 --> 00:31:33,597 or play basketball or something, nigger. You're trapped! You are trapped. 511 00:31:33,630 --> 00:31:36,333 Either do that or sell crack. That's your only options. 512 00:31:36,433 --> 00:31:38,368 That's the only way I've ever seen it work. 513 00:31:38,435 --> 00:31:41,805 You gotta entertain these white people. Gotta get to dancing. 514 00:31:43,773 --> 00:31:45,808 Go on out there and be somebody. 515 00:31:50,913 --> 00:31:52,615 I just hope they listen. 516 00:31:57,353 --> 00:32:01,290 This shit is ridiculous. people worship television. They worship this shit. 517 00:32:01,390 --> 00:32:03,092 You know, like, if you watch a movie. 518 00:32:03,192 --> 00:32:06,395 Say you're watching a movie. One character says to another character: 519 00:32:06,462 --> 00:32:09,898 ''What's your number, man?'' What does the other character always say? 520 00:32:09,965 --> 00:32:12,134 ''555-5555.'' 521 00:32:12,634 --> 00:32:14,036 You know why they gotta do that? 522 00:32:14,102 --> 00:32:16,338 Because stupid-ass people go to the movies... 523 00:32:16,405 --> 00:32:19,341 then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw. 524 00:32:19,408 --> 00:32:21,143 ''Hello, is Indiana Jones there?'' 525 00:32:21,209 --> 00:32:24,045 No, motherfucker, he's fake. It's not his number. 526 00:32:27,582 --> 00:32:31,352 To be honest, this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity. 527 00:32:31,453 --> 00:32:33,855 Fuck. They're locking all our stars up. 528 00:32:35,056 --> 00:32:37,525 It's hot right now for black celebrities. 529 00:32:37,659 --> 00:32:41,596 I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. I said, this is a wrap for us. 530 00:32:41,629 --> 00:32:44,131 He's one of the most wholesome dudes we had. 531 00:32:44,866 --> 00:32:47,068 And they lock him up and everything. 532 00:32:47,868 --> 00:32:51,539 And Kobe kept it together. Thank God he held his game together... 533 00:32:51,605 --> 00:32:55,943 because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like, six points a game... 534 00:32:56,176 --> 00:32:59,213 the whole of L.A. would be like, ''That nigger is guilty.'' 535 00:33:02,149 --> 00:33:04,051 Kobe was playing his ass off. 536 00:33:04,751 --> 00:33:07,821 He was playing like his freedom depended on that shit. 537 00:33:08,689 --> 00:33:10,524 You see this motherfucker in them games... 538 00:33:10,624 --> 00:33:13,126 this nigger's trying to beat that case on the court. 539 00:33:20,667 --> 00:33:23,703 Like the judge threw him the ball. ''play for your freedom.'' 540 00:33:30,943 --> 00:33:34,313 If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say, ''Just relax, you'll be fine, man.'' 541 00:33:34,380 --> 00:33:37,350 'Cause the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt. 542 00:33:37,383 --> 00:33:39,652 He's one of the few black celebrities getting that. 543 00:33:39,752 --> 00:33:42,688 Not cause he's a celebrity, more because... 544 00:33:42,788 --> 00:33:46,458 the girl showed up with eight different semens to the investigation. 545 00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:47,926 You can't do that. 546 00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:50,295 That's seven too many. 547 00:33:51,463 --> 00:33:54,967 That's a lot of semen. This bitch's got Noah's Ark in her panties. 548 00:33:55,067 --> 00:33:57,869 What's she trying recreate humanity or something? 549 00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,404 She's a collector. 550 00:34:01,306 --> 00:34:05,176 Every unsolved mystery, the answer might be in this girl's panties. 551 00:34:05,277 --> 00:34:07,245 That's the first place I'd look. 552 00:34:07,412 --> 00:34:09,447 OJ's other glove is in there. 553 00:34:10,515 --> 00:34:12,016 Bigfoot's footprint. 554 00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:15,353 Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker. 555 00:34:19,190 --> 00:34:21,626 She's got the most diabolical drawers ever. 556 00:34:22,527 --> 00:34:25,663 Fuck being a celebrity. This is not the time to be a black star. 557 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,832 They're locking all our stars up. 558 00:34:28,766 --> 00:34:32,036 Black celebrities. It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. 559 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:33,804 It's all OJ's fault. 560 00:34:35,706 --> 00:34:40,110 Ever since OJ got away, white people just been locking up our stars, one by one. 561 00:34:40,577 --> 00:34:41,645 It's true. 562 00:34:41,845 --> 00:34:44,982 And it's all.... It's not even OJ's fault. It's our fault. 563 00:34:45,148 --> 00:34:47,684 We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted. 564 00:34:47,784 --> 00:34:50,187 We should've been quiet about that shit. 565 00:34:50,387 --> 00:34:53,557 Soon as there's, ''Not guilty,'' niggers are dancing. 566 00:34:53,590 --> 00:34:55,859 Oh, in your face, in your face. 567 00:34:58,294 --> 00:35:00,096 Hurts, don't it? It hurts. 568 00:35:00,196 --> 00:35:03,766 Burns, doesn't it, man? Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it? 569 00:35:04,667 --> 00:35:07,603 Welcome to my world, motherfucker, and all that shit. 570 00:35:08,805 --> 00:35:10,973 White people wanted OJ's ass bad. 571 00:35:11,707 --> 00:35:15,711 The city of L.A. spent over $1 2 million just trying that motherfucker. 572 00:35:16,112 --> 00:35:19,415 And the look on white people's faces when he was acquitted... 573 00:35:19,515 --> 00:35:20,583 priceless. 574 00:35:30,626 --> 00:35:34,730 And that's why I don't trip off being a celebrity. I don't like it. 575 00:35:35,030 --> 00:35:36,298 I don't trust it. 576 00:35:36,365 --> 00:35:38,867 One minute they all love you, the next thing you know... 577 00:35:38,934 --> 00:35:41,570 you're in front of a courthouse dancing on top of a car... 578 00:35:41,670 --> 00:35:44,139 trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you. 579 00:35:52,947 --> 00:35:54,349 That's what I'm waiting for... 580 00:35:54,415 --> 00:35:58,019 'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson shit is what makes me doubt it. 581 00:35:58,753 --> 00:36:02,790 Every time there's wars going out of control, or the economy is bad... 582 00:36:02,857 --> 00:36:04,926 or something is wrong with the world at large... 583 00:36:05,026 --> 00:36:06,861 it's always these moments in history... 584 00:36:06,927 --> 00:36:09,463 that Michael Jackson will coincidentally... 585 00:36:10,664 --> 00:36:13,167 jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. 586 00:36:13,667 --> 00:36:16,303 Are you planning this shit? You have meetings? 587 00:36:16,770 --> 00:36:18,772 ''Michael, thank you for coming. 588 00:36:19,540 --> 00:36:22,576 ''As you know, the war has not been going as well as we expected. 589 00:36:22,676 --> 00:36:26,313 ''There's been a lot of hiccups, and the public is asking us... 590 00:36:26,980 --> 00:36:28,749 ''a lot of questions, of course... 591 00:36:28,815 --> 00:36:32,085 ''and well, Michael, there's no nice way to say this... 592 00:36:32,185 --> 00:36:35,589 ''and all I know how to do is be direct, so let me just be direct. 593 00:36:36,556 --> 00:36:39,926 ''We're gonna need you to jerk off another child, Mike. I'm sorry. 594 00:36:40,026 --> 00:36:41,394 ''I am sorry. 595 00:36:43,329 --> 00:36:45,365 ''But, it would really help out.'' 596 00:36:47,567 --> 00:36:49,969 Or maybe he didn't, who knows? 597 00:36:50,503 --> 00:36:54,307 That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say, who knows? Who the fuck knows? 598 00:36:54,373 --> 00:36:57,777 Mike, God, and this little boy knows. That's about it. 599 00:36:59,645 --> 00:37:02,715 The only reason that I can even talk about this shit... 600 00:37:02,781 --> 00:37:05,284 is because everybody is speculating. 601 00:37:05,384 --> 00:37:07,653 They all think he did it. I don't think he did it. 602 00:37:07,753 --> 00:37:10,255 I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it. 603 00:37:10,422 --> 00:37:13,458 I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it. That's too strong. 604 00:37:17,663 --> 00:37:20,232 Let me just say I am reserving judgment... 605 00:37:21,299 --> 00:37:23,168 until all the facts come out. 606 00:37:23,902 --> 00:37:27,339 So far from what I heard.... I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer... 607 00:37:27,405 --> 00:37:29,174 he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation. 608 00:37:29,274 --> 00:37:33,111 He claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish... 609 00:37:34,179 --> 00:37:35,914 to meet Michael Jackson. 610 00:37:36,581 --> 00:37:38,249 Come on, man, give me a fucking break. 611 00:37:38,349 --> 00:37:40,685 This kid is 10 years old. He don't remember Thriller. 612 00:37:40,785 --> 00:37:43,821 What the fuck he want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly. 613 00:37:44,989 --> 00:37:48,726 I remember Thriller and I just, like, kind of want to meet this nigger. 614 00:37:48,893 --> 00:37:50,861 I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him. 615 00:37:50,895 --> 00:37:53,964 I'll put it that way. I'd have to already be free. 616 00:37:54,064 --> 00:37:56,300 That's ridiculous. If I'm dying in two weeks and go: 617 00:37:56,367 --> 00:37:59,903 ''Mama, get me in a room with Chubby Checker''... 618 00:38:00,304 --> 00:38:02,706 I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker... 619 00:38:02,773 --> 00:38:06,677 not in my last two weeks. Why not Usher or somebody like this? 620 00:38:07,377 --> 00:38:09,146 So then the kid claims... 621 00:38:10,047 --> 00:38:13,316 he goes to Michael's house. This is where it all gets crazy. 622 00:38:13,383 --> 00:38:15,852 He does everything that you'd expect at Michael's house. 623 00:38:15,952 --> 00:38:19,456 They climbed trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels. 624 00:38:19,556 --> 00:38:21,591 The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes. 625 00:38:21,624 --> 00:38:25,695 They was petting a monkey and giraffes, singing songs. Kid shit. 626 00:38:26,663 --> 00:38:29,499 And in the middle of all this childlike activity... 627 00:38:29,732 --> 00:38:31,134 for some reason... 628 00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:34,670 Mike put out some wine and some pills... 629 00:38:37,373 --> 00:38:39,175 and sucked this kid's dick. 630 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:42,144 Folks, it hurts me to say it. 631 00:38:43,546 --> 00:38:46,048 And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse. 632 00:38:46,148 --> 00:38:48,050 Motherfucker, that is a good host. 633 00:38:48,150 --> 00:38:50,152 God damn. What else do you want? 634 00:38:53,956 --> 00:38:57,859 I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink at my friend's house... 635 00:38:58,627 --> 00:39:01,463 let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked. 636 00:39:04,132 --> 00:39:07,335 Mike must be confused like, ''I brought you in my house, I fed you... 637 00:39:07,435 --> 00:39:10,905 ''I sucked your dick, and this is how you repay me, motherfucker? 638 00:39:10,972 --> 00:39:13,341 ''This was your wish, not mine. 639 00:39:15,843 --> 00:39:18,980 ''Thought you were dying in two weeks. What happened to that? 640 00:39:19,047 --> 00:39:22,950 ''I've been in court for a year-and-a-half. You get stronger every time I see you.'' 641 00:39:27,021 --> 00:39:30,391 Wouldn't it.... This is fucked, though. I shouldn't even say this. 642 00:39:30,458 --> 00:39:32,226 Wouldn't it be some ironic shit... 643 00:39:32,259 --> 00:39:35,462 if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer... 644 00:39:35,496 --> 00:39:38,132 was Michael Jackson sucking your dick, somehow? 645 00:39:40,534 --> 00:39:42,903 Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile... 646 00:39:42,970 --> 00:39:45,472 and all the kids are like, ''please, Mike, suck on this.'' 647 00:39:45,539 --> 00:39:47,007 ''Never again. 648 00:39:47,941 --> 00:39:49,743 ''They didn't appreciate it.'' 649 00:39:53,113 --> 00:39:55,315 ''Can we at least study your saliva?'' 650 00:39:56,616 --> 00:39:57,951 ''please, Mike.'' 651 00:40:03,289 --> 00:40:05,925 It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop. 652 00:40:06,459 --> 00:40:09,929 And the only reason I can talk about Mike is 'cause he's a freak. 653 00:40:10,029 --> 00:40:13,299 He is a freak. That's why people let you talk about him. 654 00:40:13,366 --> 00:40:17,169 If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids, it'd get quiet as shit. 655 00:40:20,606 --> 00:40:24,410 But when Michael Jackson does it, it's okay, because he's a freak. 656 00:40:24,577 --> 00:40:26,378 His face is all cut up. 657 00:40:26,445 --> 00:40:30,416 And just remember, when you look at that thing that he calls his face... 658 00:40:31,016 --> 00:40:33,085 that he did that for you somehow. 659 00:40:34,419 --> 00:40:36,588 Somehow he thought maybe it'll help. 660 00:40:36,655 --> 00:40:40,258 ''Maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a white... 661 00:40:41,226 --> 00:40:44,062 ''ghoulish-like creature.'' I don't know what it is... 662 00:40:44,329 --> 00:40:45,931 but he did it for you. 663 00:40:46,364 --> 00:40:48,433 And I appreciate the gesture, Michael Jackson. 664 00:40:48,500 --> 00:40:50,869 If you're watching this, I appreciate that gesture... 665 00:40:50,935 --> 00:40:52,971 and I want you to know, fuck everybody. 666 00:40:53,071 --> 00:40:56,107 Dave Chappelle understands. 'Cause you wanna know something? 667 00:40:56,174 --> 00:40:58,810 I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes. 668 00:40:59,844 --> 00:41:02,346 Nothing major. You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you... 669 00:41:02,413 --> 00:41:06,050 but it's some shit I'm insecure about that I wanna work on. 670 00:41:06,617 --> 00:41:07,685 If you must know... 671 00:41:07,785 --> 00:41:10,654 I'm getting Botox done on my balls to get these wrinkles out. 672 00:41:10,755 --> 00:41:13,924 Finally, to have these just as smooth as eggs. 673 00:41:15,392 --> 00:41:16,727 Oh, I can't wait. 674 00:41:18,629 --> 00:41:20,364 I cannot wait. 675 00:41:22,432 --> 00:41:25,535 And I'm not stopping there. That's just phase one, baby. 676 00:41:25,936 --> 00:41:29,139 I'd be like Bob Vila, these old balls, I'm fixing them up. 677 00:41:30,173 --> 00:41:32,108 I'm plucking all the hair out. 678 00:41:33,710 --> 00:41:35,712 I gotta make room, I know this. 679 00:41:36,579 --> 00:41:39,949 I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on... 680 00:41:40,016 --> 00:41:42,485 with mean expressions, like this. 681 00:41:43,887 --> 00:41:48,124 Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom, so they got beards like me. 682 00:41:52,328 --> 00:41:55,698 Then I'm hitting that beach and looking for ball-suckers. 683 00:41:56,532 --> 00:41:59,068 I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this. 684 00:42:01,070 --> 00:42:04,406 And walk up to women with a confidence I've never had before. 685 00:42:04,707 --> 00:42:06,075 ''pardon me, miss... 686 00:42:06,875 --> 00:42:08,577 ''I don't mean to be rude... 687 00:42:09,812 --> 00:42:11,647 ''but do you suck balls?'' 688 00:42:13,415 --> 00:42:14,583 ''Excuse me?'' 689 00:42:15,050 --> 00:42:17,586 ''Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish. 690 00:42:18,253 --> 00:42:21,223 ''Do you suck these balls?'' 691 00:42:23,892 --> 00:42:27,128 ''Oh, my God, those balls are as smooth as eggs. 692 00:42:28,697 --> 00:42:30,265 ''Yes, I'll suck them.'' 693 00:42:32,567 --> 00:42:36,137 I've played this scenario out in my mind a million times, ladies. 694 00:42:36,371 --> 00:42:40,208 That's how it always ends, ''Yes, I'll suck those balls.'' 695 00:42:45,446 --> 00:42:49,417 All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim. 696 00:42:52,086 --> 00:42:53,687 I know it was rough... 697 00:42:53,954 --> 00:42:56,924 but I mean, again, I can't even judge R. Kelly. 698 00:42:57,024 --> 00:42:59,326 We don't know if these allegations are true or not. 699 00:42:59,426 --> 00:43:03,463 Even if they are true, if you wanna know how I feel about it, honestly... 700 00:43:03,530 --> 00:43:05,699 if a man cannot pee on his fans... 701 00:43:06,133 --> 00:43:10,303 I don't wanna be in show business anymore. Because that's why I got in the game, baby. 702 00:43:10,370 --> 00:43:11,738 I got dreams, too. 703 00:43:16,810 --> 00:43:18,211 You guys are confusing the issue. 704 00:43:18,311 --> 00:43:22,215 While you guys are busy worrying about if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not... 705 00:43:22,315 --> 00:43:24,350 you're not asking yourself the real question... 706 00:43:24,417 --> 00:43:26,619 that America needs to decide once and for all. 707 00:43:26,686 --> 00:43:28,354 And that question is: 708 00:43:28,654 --> 00:43:30,656 ''How old is 15, really?'' 709 00:43:35,027 --> 00:43:36,829 No, that's a good question. 710 00:43:38,764 --> 00:43:41,901 I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're gonna be at 15. 711 00:43:41,967 --> 00:43:43,536 That's not what I'm saying, man. 712 00:43:43,636 --> 00:43:46,772 But I am saying, 15 to me... 713 00:43:47,139 --> 00:43:48,874 is old enough to decide... 714 00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:52,010 whether or not you want to be pissed on. That's me. 715 00:43:52,110 --> 00:43:54,980 If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15... 716 00:43:55,047 --> 00:43:58,817 then just give up, motherfucker, because life is way harder than that. 717 00:43:59,284 --> 00:44:01,186 I make tougher decisions all the time. 718 00:44:01,253 --> 00:44:03,455 You don't wanna get pissed on, get out of the way. 719 00:44:03,488 --> 00:44:04,556 It's not even a decision. 720 00:44:04,623 --> 00:44:08,059 If I start peeing on the front row they won't have to calculate and think: 721 00:44:08,126 --> 00:44:11,296 ''How do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?'' They just move! 722 00:44:13,865 --> 00:44:15,967 You can do that at 15. I could have. 723 00:44:16,067 --> 00:44:19,904 I've been 15. When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs. 724 00:44:19,971 --> 00:44:21,372 I smoked reefer from time to time. 725 00:44:21,472 --> 00:44:24,508 My friends were selling crack. I was trying to finger-fuck people. 726 00:44:24,575 --> 00:44:28,312 I knew what was happening around me to some degree. 727 00:44:29,647 --> 00:44:33,817 Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me. 728 00:44:37,087 --> 00:44:40,257 But it keeps coming up. There's a lot of confusion around that age. 729 00:44:40,290 --> 00:44:42,860 Any time 15 comes up, people freak out... 730 00:44:43,026 --> 00:44:45,862 Iike when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped. 731 00:44:46,129 --> 00:44:47,130 Right? 732 00:44:47,431 --> 00:44:50,734 In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped... 733 00:44:50,834 --> 00:44:53,737 then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved. 734 00:44:53,770 --> 00:44:57,674 And I was the only one saying, ''Damn, she wasn't that smart after all.'' 735 00:44:57,941 --> 00:45:00,610 Not 'cause she got kidnapped. That could happen to anybody. 736 00:45:00,710 --> 00:45:01,911 I'm not knocking her for that. 737 00:45:01,978 --> 00:45:04,847 I'm just saying, if you kidnapped me when I was 15... 738 00:45:06,115 --> 00:45:10,219 you gotta take me further than 8 miles away from my house, man. God damn. 739 00:45:10,853 --> 00:45:14,891 You can't hold me prisoner around shit I recognize. I'll break away. 740 00:45:15,324 --> 00:45:18,928 Fuck off, that's my bus stop. I know where I'm at. I'm going home. 741 00:45:25,267 --> 00:45:28,303 She was missing for six months 8 miles away from her house. 742 00:45:28,370 --> 00:45:30,672 That's two exits, man. That's nothing. 743 00:45:32,808 --> 00:45:36,612 While she was missing.... During this half a year that this girl was missing... 744 00:45:36,645 --> 00:45:40,348 there's a 7-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in philadelphia. 745 00:45:40,415 --> 00:45:44,152 Nobody knows her name. They might've talked about it a few times on the news... 746 00:45:44,219 --> 00:45:46,087 but she should've been the top story. 747 00:45:46,154 --> 00:45:49,791 She chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail... 748 00:45:49,858 --> 00:45:52,460 in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old. 749 00:45:53,194 --> 00:45:54,829 I'm not making this up. 750 00:45:57,699 --> 00:46:02,036 These two crackheads kidnapped her, took her to the crackhouse and tied her up. 751 00:46:02,637 --> 00:46:03,938 And then they left her. 752 00:46:04,005 --> 00:46:06,540 They gotta make moves, crack to smoke, chocolate to eat. 753 00:46:06,607 --> 00:46:08,542 They made moves. They was out. 754 00:46:10,044 --> 00:46:12,947 Soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling. 755 00:46:13,981 --> 00:46:17,751 She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30. 756 00:46:17,818 --> 00:46:20,687 That shit is crazy. That's a news story. 757 00:46:23,390 --> 00:46:24,391 Now... 758 00:46:26,493 --> 00:46:27,928 meanwhile in Utah... 759 00:46:29,496 --> 00:46:32,766 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone, too. 760 00:46:32,866 --> 00:46:35,502 And they didn't even tie her up 'cause they're hillbillies. 761 00:46:35,569 --> 00:46:36,703 They just bounced. 762 00:46:36,770 --> 00:46:40,140 ''Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you. Be right back.'' 763 00:46:40,807 --> 00:46:43,977 They leave. And she's 15 sitting in the house by herself. 764 00:46:44,444 --> 00:46:46,412 ''How am I gonna get out of this? 765 00:46:49,982 --> 00:46:51,784 ''Come on, Elizabeth, think. 766 00:46:52,084 --> 00:46:54,887 ''Think, Elizabeth, how am I gonna get out of here?'' 767 00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:58,124 Just open the fucking door and go outside. 768 00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,492 Have you thought about that? 769 00:46:59,525 --> 00:47:01,627 You have a quarter? You know your phone number? 770 00:47:01,694 --> 00:47:04,964 You're 15, bitch! Run! Stop thinking and start making moves! 771 00:47:06,732 --> 00:47:09,968 I know I sound mean. people are thinking when I'm saying this: 772 00:47:10,069 --> 00:47:12,337 ''Dave, she's only 15.'' 773 00:47:12,804 --> 00:47:14,540 All right, but that's the discrepancy... 774 00:47:14,606 --> 00:47:17,542 'cause when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart... 775 00:47:17,609 --> 00:47:20,979 then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent. 776 00:47:21,246 --> 00:47:23,582 On the flip side, here comes 15 again. 777 00:47:23,648 --> 00:47:26,785 Now we're talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida. 778 00:47:26,851 --> 00:47:29,087 This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor... 779 00:47:29,187 --> 00:47:31,890 when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV. 780 00:47:31,956 --> 00:47:33,525 Now, was he a kid? No. 781 00:47:34,025 --> 00:47:37,328 They gave him life. They always try our 15-year-olds as adults. 782 00:47:37,428 --> 00:47:39,630 ''This nigger knew what he was doing. 783 00:47:39,864 --> 00:47:41,966 ''He's a goddamn pile driver. 784 00:47:43,768 --> 00:47:46,771 ''This kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him. 785 00:47:47,271 --> 00:47:49,740 ''We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.'' 786 00:47:51,142 --> 00:47:53,244 And they gave a 15-year-old boy... 787 00:47:53,978 --> 00:47:55,512 life in jail. 788 00:47:56,347 --> 00:47:59,183 If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail... 789 00:47:59,249 --> 00:48:00,651 it should be legal to pee on him. 790 00:48:00,684 --> 00:48:04,021 That's all I'm saying. You gotta make up your mind across the board... 791 00:48:04,087 --> 00:48:07,924 how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying. 792 00:48:08,125 --> 00:48:09,459 I'm gonna tell you right now... 793 00:48:09,526 --> 00:48:12,129 if somebody comes in here, puts a gun to my head and says: 794 00:48:12,229 --> 00:48:14,030 ''Chappelle, you got a choice to make. 795 00:48:14,097 --> 00:48:17,767 ''You're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go... 796 00:48:17,967 --> 00:48:20,070 ''but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.'' 797 00:48:20,904 --> 00:48:22,372 I'm not hesitating. 798 00:48:22,572 --> 00:48:25,742 ''Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes.'' 799 00:48:28,745 --> 00:48:32,815 I'd rather get pissed on on the outside than fucked in the butt on the inside. 800 00:48:35,017 --> 00:48:37,620 I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls... 801 00:48:37,687 --> 00:48:41,457 and think everything's gonna be all right. It's not that kind of place. 802 00:48:42,124 --> 00:48:45,995 Take my chances with that piss. piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower. 803 00:48:46,095 --> 00:48:48,764 I'm certain of it. ''This piss is coming right out. 804 00:48:51,033 --> 00:48:53,569 ''What could I do? They were gonna put me in jail.'' 805 00:48:56,405 --> 00:48:56,571 Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors. 806 00:48:56,571 --> 00:48:59,608 Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors. 807 00:49:00,876 --> 00:49:02,844 What the fuck is that all about? 808 00:49:02,978 --> 00:49:05,547 I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking. 809 00:49:06,181 --> 00:49:08,116 No, that shit was ridiculous. 810 00:49:09,050 --> 00:49:11,219 The stripper did it. The stripper came up like: 811 00:49:11,286 --> 00:49:15,657 ''Your smoking is a health risk for me. I don't wanna work in this environment.'' 812 00:49:18,393 --> 00:49:22,330 Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested pussy in my face. You started it. 813 00:49:27,101 --> 00:49:28,703 And they threw me out. 814 00:49:29,437 --> 00:49:31,872 It's the dirtiest place I've ever been thrown out of. 815 00:49:31,906 --> 00:49:34,975 And just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty.... 816 00:49:36,176 --> 00:49:39,179 Lap dances at this place: $3. 817 00:49:40,447 --> 00:49:42,149 It's fucking disgusting. 818 00:49:42,850 --> 00:49:45,652 And at the same time, who could pass up a sale, son? 819 00:49:45,752 --> 00:49:48,455 It was $3! Of course I did it. 820 00:49:49,423 --> 00:49:51,024 It's only 1 2 quarters. 821 00:49:51,391 --> 00:49:53,527 Said, ''I'll break a five for that.'' 822 00:49:56,896 --> 00:49:59,099 I've never seen somebody work this hard for $3. 823 00:49:59,165 --> 00:50:01,868 This lady must've been a throwback to the Great Depression. 824 00:50:01,935 --> 00:50:03,436 She was all over me. 825 00:50:03,703 --> 00:50:06,339 It's the first time I ever told a stripper to get off me. 826 00:50:06,406 --> 00:50:10,076 ''All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss. Thank you. 827 00:50:11,978 --> 00:50:13,346 ''That'll be all. 828 00:50:14,113 --> 00:50:17,183 ''That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me! 829 00:50:18,818 --> 00:50:21,821 ''Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar, lady? 830 00:50:23,856 --> 00:50:26,525 ''I have a shit streak on the middle of my shirt. 831 00:50:28,627 --> 00:50:31,630 ''How the fuck am I gonna explain this when I get home?'' 832 00:50:34,499 --> 00:50:36,935 ''Oh, no, baby, me and Bob were playing basketball... 833 00:50:37,035 --> 00:50:39,471 ''and Bob dunked on me. He was hanging on the rim... 834 00:50:39,538 --> 00:50:40,705 ''and his pants fell down. 835 00:50:40,772 --> 00:50:42,941 ''I was checking up close and he was swinging... 836 00:50:43,008 --> 00:50:47,445 ''and his butt cheeks might've.... His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt. 837 00:50:49,581 --> 00:50:51,549 ''Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt? 838 00:50:51,616 --> 00:50:54,018 ''I don't know. It was midnight. What the fuck? 839 00:50:56,955 --> 00:50:57,955 ''Just let me think.'' 840 00:50:58,022 --> 00:51:00,124 That's a guy lying, when he says shit like that. 841 00:51:00,191 --> 00:51:02,093 ''Hold on, just let me think.'' 842 00:51:05,429 --> 00:51:08,966 Your man ever said that to you? ''Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?'' 843 00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:19,476 You guys have made too much progress too fast. 844 00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:22,746 Not too much, but you're just confused. You made so much progress... 845 00:51:22,813 --> 00:51:23,947 you even confused. 846 00:51:24,014 --> 00:51:26,583 Men and women, both like, ''What just happened?'' 847 00:51:27,150 --> 00:51:29,753 Women got all this money now but they're still like women. 848 00:51:29,820 --> 00:51:32,289 ''Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 849 00:51:32,556 --> 00:51:35,058 You'd be thinking, ''Bitch, you got more money than me... 850 00:51:35,191 --> 00:51:37,327 ''you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 851 00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,664 At the same time, you don't treat a man like a man. 852 00:51:41,731 --> 00:51:46,035 You don't cook, you don't clean, and you don't do anything a motherfucker says. 853 00:51:46,102 --> 00:51:48,805 You tell him what to do. Women do this to men all the time. 854 00:51:48,905 --> 00:51:50,273 ''Come on!'' 855 00:51:55,144 --> 00:51:56,646 No man wants that shit. 856 00:51:56,746 --> 00:51:59,148 I don't want anybody to tell me what to do that much. 857 00:51:59,181 --> 00:52:02,284 You gotta work with me. Like if it makes a man feel like a man... 858 00:52:02,384 --> 00:52:05,554 to watch the game, let him sit down and watch the game for a minute. 859 00:52:05,621 --> 00:52:08,490 If he happens to look over at you while watching the game... 860 00:52:08,590 --> 00:52:12,394 don't look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it. 861 00:52:12,427 --> 00:52:15,330 pick up your own titty and suck it. Just try it out. 862 00:52:22,204 --> 00:52:25,807 He will instantly remember why he fell in love. ''Oh, that's right... 863 00:52:26,808 --> 00:52:29,577 ''I forgot my girl sucks her own titties from time to time. 864 00:52:29,644 --> 00:52:31,546 ''I can't walk away from that. 865 00:52:32,780 --> 00:52:34,148 ''It's too hard to find.'' 866 00:52:34,315 --> 00:52:37,251 See? That took 20 seconds. You can be just as busy as you want... 867 00:52:37,352 --> 00:52:40,188 suck your own titty and everything's cool. Or how about this? 868 00:52:40,221 --> 00:52:44,058 If you're making love to your man, might as well spice it up, right? 869 00:52:44,125 --> 00:52:46,394 How about this? I personally like it. 870 00:52:47,928 --> 00:52:50,498 I like it when a girl tells me where to come. 871 00:52:50,564 --> 00:52:53,167 Don't like it when she tells me when to come. I hate it. 872 00:52:53,267 --> 00:52:56,070 ''Don't come yet.'' Oh, bitch, all these rules! 873 00:53:09,449 --> 00:53:11,985 Instead of doing that, why don't you just tell us where? 874 00:53:12,052 --> 00:53:15,388 It would make us feel better. Especially if you're aggressive about it. 875 00:53:15,422 --> 00:53:18,725 I like it when a girl gets wild with me. ''Come in my face!'' 876 00:53:22,395 --> 00:53:24,464 Stick your chin out like a boxer. 877 00:53:26,266 --> 00:53:28,067 ''Bring it on, motherfucker. 878 00:53:29,035 --> 00:53:30,269 ''You're a bum.'' 879 00:53:34,273 --> 00:53:37,410 But it doesn't have to be that wild or explicit. 880 00:53:37,510 --> 00:53:40,546 All a man wants to know is you're interested and will participate. 881 00:53:40,613 --> 00:53:42,915 You can say anything, he'll be happy. 882 00:53:43,649 --> 00:53:46,585 ''Come on top of the television.'' All right, fine. 883 00:53:55,327 --> 00:53:56,795 The weirder the place, the better. 884 00:53:56,862 --> 00:53:59,698 ''Come in my fishbowl.'' Damn, fishbowl. 885 00:54:01,266 --> 00:54:03,635 ''Oh, shit, they're eating it all.'' 886 00:54:15,713 --> 00:54:17,615 Fish love it when I come over. 887 00:54:18,316 --> 00:54:20,952 ''It's that guy. We're having chicken tonight.'' 888 00:54:26,023 --> 00:54:29,527 You guys, man, thanks. This has been the best year of my career. 889 00:54:29,727 --> 00:54:30,795 By far. 890 00:54:34,498 --> 00:54:36,967 I appreciate you guys watching me. 891 00:54:40,304 --> 00:54:42,406 'Cause I do it for my kids, really. 892 00:54:42,506 --> 00:54:43,941 And my kids are off the hook. 893 00:54:44,007 --> 00:54:47,644 You think I'm a bad motherfucker, wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle. 894 00:54:47,744 --> 00:54:49,546 This nigger is off the hook. 895 00:54:50,380 --> 00:54:52,015 My sons are bad. 896 00:54:52,549 --> 00:54:54,150 My oldest son is three. 897 00:54:54,784 --> 00:54:57,554 This kid made me a necklace out of macaroni. 898 00:54:57,620 --> 00:54:59,155 I said, ''This shit is baller.'' 899 00:54:59,222 --> 00:55:01,925 He painted the macaroni green and put it on a string. 900 00:55:02,025 --> 00:55:06,095 He tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and I got choked up. 901 00:55:06,829 --> 00:55:09,265 And he thought I was sad. That's how smart he was. 902 00:55:09,332 --> 00:55:11,067 He says, ''Are you sad, Daddy?'' 903 00:55:11,134 --> 00:55:13,069 And I said, ''No, I'm not sad. 904 00:55:13,836 --> 00:55:18,274 ''You're too young to understand this, son, but this is fucking crazy. 905 00:55:21,644 --> 00:55:23,913 ''You used to live in my balls, man. 906 00:55:26,415 --> 00:55:30,385 ''Now you're making jewelry out of macaroni. You're a bad motherfucker.'' 907 00:55:30,986 --> 00:55:32,788 Long live Chappelles. 908 00:56:08,356 --> 00:56:09,623 Oh, shit. 909 00:56:10,858 --> 00:56:13,894 Thanks, guys. Thank you. 910 00:56:16,096 --> 00:56:17,731 That's what it's all about. 911 00:56:17,831 --> 00:56:19,733 Everybody usually wants to be famous... 912 00:56:19,833 --> 00:56:21,935 so they can rock nice jewelry and all that shit. 913 00:56:22,035 --> 00:56:25,072 I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit. 914 00:56:32,145 --> 00:56:33,947 I'm not in it for that. 915 00:56:34,180 --> 00:56:37,250 The only kind of shit I wanna do with fame that's decadent... 916 00:56:37,350 --> 00:56:41,354 is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000 blackjack table. 917 00:56:41,421 --> 00:56:42,989 And I don't even wanna play. 918 00:56:43,056 --> 00:56:47,060 I wanna be such a big star that I can go up to one of the players in a tight hand... 919 00:56:47,126 --> 00:56:49,195 and put my dick on his shoulder. 920 00:56:49,462 --> 00:56:52,231 And I'm such a celebrity, they think it's funny. 921 00:56:54,166 --> 00:56:55,701 ''Hey, what the fuck? 922 00:56:56,435 --> 00:56:58,471 ''Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle! 923 00:56:59,105 --> 00:57:00,339 ''Wow.'' 924 00:57:02,808 --> 00:57:03,909 He gets on his cell phone: 925 00:57:03,976 --> 00:57:07,579 ''You are not gonna believe whose dick is on my shoulder right now. 926 00:57:08,847 --> 00:57:11,950 ''And this guy's balls are as smooth as eggs. 927 00:57:13,151 --> 00:57:14,853 ''He's had some work done.'' 928 00:57:16,254 --> 00:57:18,590 Couldn't thank you enough. God bless you all, man. 929 00:57:18,657 --> 00:57:22,093 Keep watching. I'm gonna try to make it interesting. Stay safe.