0:00:18.250,0:00:20.886 Why'd you pick San Francisco[br]to shoot your special? 0:00:20.986,0:00:23.656 This is one of the best towns[br]that ever knew comedy. 0:00:23.756,0:00:27.493 And this is the most historic venue you got[br]as far as comedians are concerned. 0:00:27.593,0:00:29.328 'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here. 0:00:29.428,0:00:31.430 Yeah, all the best came through the Bay. 0:00:31.497,0:00:34.133 What about Richard?[br]What about Robin Williams? 0:00:34.233,0:00:35.534 Carlin? Mooney? 0:00:35.868,0:00:38.070 You don't necessarily[br]have to be the biggest star. 0:00:38.136,0:00:40.539 As long as you come with it[br]then people coming out. 0:00:40.605,0:00:42.307 They like to see live performances... 0:00:42.374,0:00:44.476 because it's a savvy audience. 0:00:45.010,0:00:48.046 San Francisco, are you ready? 0:00:50.915,0:00:52.817 I don't think he can hear you. 0:00:52.884,0:00:53.885 Are you ready? 0:00:57.422,0:01:00.491 Welcome to the show.[br]Here's Dave Chappelle. 0:01:19.176,0:01:20.544 Oh, man. 0:01:22.112,0:01:23.547 Oh, shit. 0:01:27.050,0:01:28.585 Yes, bring it on, man. 0:01:31.354,0:01:34.124 Yes, thank you. Thank you all. 0:01:35.258,0:01:36.793 Thank you for coming. 0:01:37.193,0:01:38.495 God damn. 0:01:39.262,0:01:40.897 I did it big this year. 0:01:42.065,0:01:43.833 From cable, nigger, goddamn. 0:01:45.468,0:01:49.105 Thanks for coming out and thanks[br]for making a nigger feel comfortable... 0:01:49.172,0:01:51.107 in the gayest place on earth. 0:01:54.343,0:01:57.613 You guys got Disney World jealous[br]about this, motherfuckers. 0:01:58.514,0:02:01.183 Man. I didn't really think[br]it was that gay at first. 0:02:01.250,0:02:03.185 'Cause when I was coming here... 0:02:03.252,0:02:05.754 everyone was like,[br]man, that place is really gay. 0:02:07.222,0:02:09.992 What the fuck is everybody talking about?[br]It's not so gay. 0:02:10.025,0:02:13.195 And then I wandered[br]into that Castro. God damn. 0:02:14.029,0:02:17.733 I said, ''This is America's anus right here.''[br]This shit is deep. 0:02:21.870,0:02:24.105 I went to that Tenderloin. 0:02:24.773,0:02:27.475 There's nothing tender about that[br]motherfucker at all. 0:02:27.542,0:02:30.845 That shit was rough. The opposite of tender. 0:02:32.313,0:02:35.817 I have never seen[br]crack smoked so casually before. 0:02:38.987,0:02:41.622 These niggers[br]was sitting in front of Starbucks... 0:02:41.689,0:02:45.226 smoking crack and drinking coffee.[br]I said, this is off the hook. 0:02:45.326,0:02:47.061 Talking about politics... 0:02:51.966,0:02:55.035 I seen one crackhead[br]trying to break into somebody's car, man... 0:02:55.102,0:02:57.304 and it struck a chord with me.[br]I tried to stop it. 0:02:57.371,0:02:59.873 I said, ''Hey!''[br]And he looked back and saw me and said: 0:02:59.940,0:03:00.974 ''Keep an eye out.'' 0:03:01.075,0:03:04.945 I said, ''Nigger, that was me that said that.[br]I'm not trying to help you. 0:03:06.046,0:03:07.781 ''I want this shit to stop.'' 0:03:12.819,0:03:13.987 Crackheads are like that. 0:03:14.054,0:03:17.424 I had a crackhead break my car window[br]one time. Broke it. 0:03:17.857,0:03:19.626 You know what he stole? 0:03:19.859,0:03:22.862 Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat.[br]That's all he took. 0:03:22.929,0:03:25.431 Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad... 0:03:25.632,0:03:28.301 I drove around the neighborhood[br]for five hours... 0:03:28.368,0:03:31.904 looking for a crackhead[br]with chocolate on his face. I did this. 0:03:32.505,0:03:33.973 I finally found him, I grabbed him. 0:03:34.073,0:03:37.343 I said, ''Hey, man,[br]what's all this chocolate on your face? 0:03:37.777,0:03:39.045 ''Motherfucker.'' 0:03:40.212,0:03:42.014 He looked confused. ''Chocolate? 0:03:42.114,0:03:44.250 ''This is doo-doo, baby.'' I said.... 0:03:45.651,0:03:47.152 Oh, man. 0:03:51.423,0:03:52.991 This place is insane. 0:03:53.992,0:03:55.827 But you know what I like about San Fran... 0:03:55.861,0:03:59.164 and the reason I picked this city[br]to do my special is because... 0:03:59.264,0:04:03.235 of all the major cities in America,[br]somehow, people get along here better... 0:04:03.301,0:04:05.904 than anywhere else I've seen in the country. 0:04:06.738,0:04:07.973 That's right. 0:04:13.545,0:04:18.016 And I always admire San Fran for that.[br]And today, I've realized how you did it. 0:04:19.784,0:04:22.754 put all the niggers[br]on the other side of that bridge. 0:04:25.256,0:04:28.292 They sure ain't happy on that side. 0:04:29.627,0:04:34.265 You leave San Francisco, they're like,[br]''Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco. 0:04:35.432,0:04:38.669 ''Come back in April,[br]we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.'' 0:04:38.902,0:04:42.072 When you get to the other side,[br]''Welcome to Oakland, bitch.'' 0:04:43.474,0:04:44.708 Click. Click. 0:04:52.416,0:04:56.152 It's fucking crazy.[br]But it also feels like it's an East Coast city... 0:04:56.453,0:04:59.589 in the West Coast.[br]You guys got subways and shit. 0:05:00.256,0:05:02.325 I'm scared of public transportation. 0:05:02.425,0:05:04.794 I was on a bus that was held hostage... 0:05:05.662,0:05:06.829 45 minutes. 0:05:07.330,0:05:09.666 Wasn't life-threatening.[br]Don't get that impression. 0:05:09.699,0:05:12.502 It was a dude jerking off.[br]But the shit was scary, son. 0:05:12.568,0:05:13.836 It was scary. 0:05:16.539,0:05:19.408 Right before it happened,[br]I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. 0:05:19.508,0:05:22.144 It's a long story.[br]It's not the coolest shit I ever did... 0:05:22.178,0:05:24.713 and people freaked out. ''Sir! 0:05:26.215,0:05:28.984 ''Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay? 0:05:29.585,0:05:31.587 ''This is everybody's air, sir.'' 0:05:32.488,0:05:34.890 I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble. 0:05:35.257,0:05:37.025 And just at that moment... 0:05:37.459,0:05:41.263 coincidentally, this homeless dude,[br]out of nowhere pulls his dick out. 0:05:41.496,0:05:43.031 Started beating off. 0:05:43.498,0:05:44.933 And I was furious. 0:05:45.967,0:05:50.138 'Cause nobody's saying shit to this guy.[br]They was just looking like, ''My God.'' 0:05:53.308,0:05:56.344 I was the only one on the bus[br]that had the balls to talk to him. 0:05:56.411,0:05:59.447 It's not even like I was brave,[br]really, it was that... 0:06:00.515,0:06:04.018 I was sitting next to the motherfucker.[br]I had to say something. 0:06:06.254,0:06:08.422 Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow. 0:06:08.489,0:06:10.658 Stop. Son, just stop. 0:06:14.128,0:06:16.964 It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much. 0:06:18.032,0:06:21.435 Guy's beating off on the bus,[br]means there's something wrong with him. 0:06:21.502,0:06:25.072 He's not wrapped so tight.[br]I didn't wanna push him over the edge. 0:06:25.939,0:06:29.543 Soon as I said something, all these[br]dummies on the bus, now they're brave. 0:06:29.576,0:06:31.344 ''Oh, he's right.'' 0:06:32.813,0:06:36.349 ''put your goddamn cock away.[br]I don't wanna see this anymore.'' 0:06:36.416,0:06:38.351 ''I don't wanna see it either.'' ''Yeah.'' 0:06:38.418,0:06:39.452 Now, the guy flips out. 0:06:39.552,0:06:42.756 ''All right, everybody, back up,[br]back the fuck up. 0:06:45.725,0:06:47.794 ''I tried to be nice about this.'' 0:06:48.895,0:06:50.630 Now, everybody freaks out. 0:06:50.797,0:06:53.099 ''Oh, my God, it's a biological attack.'' 0:06:55.535,0:06:57.670 I'm caught in the middle.[br]I can't lose my cool. 0:06:57.737,0:07:01.574 I said ''Everybody just calm the fuck down[br]or you're going to get me shot. 0:07:05.311,0:07:06.645 ''Let's all just be cool. 0:07:06.745,0:07:10.182 ''Let's do what this man says,[br]so he'll leave us alone.'' 0:07:10.949,0:07:12.651 Now everybody gets quiet. 0:07:17.356,0:07:18.657 ''That's better. 0:07:19.858,0:07:21.693 ''That is better.'' 0:07:26.164,0:07:30.135 And then he started walking[br]up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us. 0:07:37.809,0:07:39.944 And then he starts making demands. 0:07:40.411,0:07:42.180 ''You in the pink shirt... 0:07:42.513,0:07:44.415 ''squeeze your tits together.'' 0:07:44.949,0:07:46.450 ''Oh, God, no.'' 0:07:51.455,0:07:55.459 ''You. Stick your finger in your butt.''[br]''Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?'' 0:07:55.526,0:07:56.894 ''Oh, God.'' 0:08:00.130,0:08:02.966 He was working my way. The shit was tight. 0:08:04.368,0:08:07.971 Just that minute, I got saved, dudes.[br]I was so lucky. 0:08:08.171,0:08:10.707 This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped. 0:08:11.007,0:08:13.176 He lost his mind. I seen it happen. 0:08:14.845,0:08:16.980 He screamed out, ''Rush him. 0:08:17.747,0:08:20.850 ''He can't come on all of us.''[br]He charges down the aisle. 0:08:21.751,0:08:24.587 And it's like a movie.[br]This homeless dude's seen him coming. 0:08:24.654,0:08:26.022 He shot one off. 0:08:29.492,0:08:32.228 I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigger. 0:08:40.569,0:08:42.605 The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though. 0:08:42.705,0:08:44.607 ''No!'' 0:08:49.044,0:08:50.546 That shit was gross. 0:08:51.346,0:08:54.983 It didn't kill him, but it was....[br]I'm sure that fucked his day up. 0:08:55.884,0:08:59.021 You're not gonna have a normal day[br]if a homeless dude... 0:08:59.254,0:09:01.823 busts a nut on your forehead[br]at 8:30 in the morning. 0:09:01.890,0:09:04.192 That's a wrap on the rest of the day. 0:09:06.261,0:09:08.630 That guy was freaking out. ''It burns!'' 0:09:14.302,0:09:18.072 Everyone was standing around looking[br]at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad. 0:09:20.608,0:09:23.544 I guess he was finished,[br]he came back to his senses. 0:09:24.445,0:09:26.047 ''Oh, this is my stop.'' 0:09:27.949,0:09:31.218 I said, ''Relax, motherfucker.''[br]I had to say something. 0:09:31.685,0:09:33.988 ''Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it.'' 0:09:34.054,0:09:37.858 I said, ''You can't get AIDS from a homeless[br]dude busting a nut on your forehead. 0:09:37.891,0:09:39.727 ''That's not how it spreads.'' 0:09:39.927,0:09:42.329 I don't know if it's true.[br]That's just what I told him. 0:09:42.429,0:09:44.898 He was so scared, I had to say something. 0:09:47.367,0:09:50.037 I don't know where AIDS comes from.[br]Who the fuck knows? 0:09:50.103,0:09:51.905 Scientists don't even know. 0:09:52.606,0:09:57.010 Scientists still say AIDS started[br]'cause somebody had sex with a monkey. 0:09:57.978,0:09:58.979 Word? 0:10:00.847,0:10:04.751 After all this research, the best explanation[br]that you came up with.... 0:10:04.851,0:10:07.687 Nobody fucks monkeys and people,[br]you idiot. 0:10:08.288,0:10:10.790 You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people. 0:10:10.857,0:10:13.292 That's it. There's no in-between. 0:10:14.927,0:10:17.063 You're not gonna get[br]monkey pussy on Tuesday... 0:10:17.129,0:10:19.832 and then be like,[br]''Well, let me call Charlene,'' on Thursday. 0:10:19.899,0:10:23.135 No. Once you fuck a monkey,[br]that's a firm decision. 0:10:23.702,0:10:26.538 I'm out of the human pussy game for good. 0:10:29.608,0:10:32.778 It's ridiculous.[br]They act like monkeys are just as open as... 0:10:32.811,0:10:34.646 waiting for people to fuck them, man. 0:10:34.746,0:10:37.149 Monkeys don't wanna be fucked by people. 0:10:37.349,0:10:41.086 Think about it. Think about how hard[br]it would be to catch a monkey... 0:10:41.853,0:10:44.189 and fuck it. That's ridiculous. 0:10:45.090,0:10:46.791 That's how it had to go down. 0:10:46.858,0:10:49.327 You think you're going to[br]walk up to him in the woods... 0:10:49.427,0:10:51.463 and bribe this nigger[br]with fruits and bananas? 0:10:51.529,0:10:53.097 ''Hey, buddy, hey. 0:10:58.970,0:11:01.973 ''There you go, buddy, yeah. 0:11:05.910,0:11:09.347 ''There you go, your big bright red ass. 0:11:15.486,0:11:17.588 ''This big bright red booty.'' 0:11:19.289,0:11:21.492 Do you know how strong a monkey is? 0:11:22.526,0:11:25.295 It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk. 0:11:27.698,0:11:30.934 Throw that shit in the tall grass,[br]to never be seen again. 0:11:34.471,0:11:38.541 ''Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club,[br]pick up some girls, you trying to roll?'' 0:11:39.409,0:11:41.111 ''No, man, I'm cool. 0:11:42.245,0:11:46.216 ''I'm gonna stay home,[br]chill with my monkey. 0:11:49.819,0:11:52.789 ''You know how long it took me[br]to train this monkey... 0:11:53.556,0:11:55.124 ''to suck my dick... 0:11:56.125,0:11:57.660 ''without peeling it? 0:12:02.098,0:12:04.533 ''Last night, Chimp-chimp[br]jerked me off with his feet. 0:12:04.567,0:12:08.370 ''Nigger, only a monkey can show you[br]that kind of love and tenderness. 0:12:08.804,0:12:11.540 ''So you all keep fucking these people[br]if you want, niggers. 0:12:11.607,0:12:13.709 ''No, it's monkey pussy for me. 0:12:15.544,0:12:18.046 ''I'm hooking up with an orangutan[br]next week. 0:12:19.214,0:12:21.783 '''Cause all I fuck[br]is chimps and orangutans.'' 0:12:24.486,0:12:27.589 You know who I feel real bad for is Indians. 0:12:27.989,0:12:29.491 Everybody feels bad for the Indians. 0:12:29.591,0:12:33.661 They get dogged openly,[br]'cause everybody thinks they're dead. 0:12:34.262,0:12:36.364 These motherfuckers[br]are not all dead, all right? 0:12:36.464,0:12:39.233 I've seen, with my own eyes,[br]I've seen a gathering... 0:12:39.300,0:12:42.036 of 1,500 Native Americans. 0:12:42.437,0:12:47.174 They were all gathered in one place.[br]The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico. 0:12:50.745,0:12:53.147 They were everywhere.[br]I've never seen Indians before. 0:12:53.214,0:12:55.216 I wasn't even sure if they were Indians. 0:12:55.316,0:12:57.551 It was fucked up, but I asked one of them. 0:12:58.485,0:13:01.288 It's not nice,[br]but I seen them in the sports section... 0:13:01.355,0:13:04.892 looking at bows and arrows.[br]I had to say something. ''Excuse me... 0:13:07.995,0:13:09.796 ''I don't mean to be rude... 0:13:12.165,0:13:13.567 ''are you an Indian?'' 0:13:14.134,0:13:15.702 And he was cool. ''Yes. 0:13:16.970,0:13:18.571 ''Yes, I am Indian.'' 0:13:19.739,0:13:21.541 I still didn't believe him. 0:13:21.741,0:13:23.209 I had to test him and be sure. 0:13:23.309,0:13:25.812 This is fucked up,[br]but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket. 0:13:25.912,0:13:28.948 So, I balled that shit up[br]and I threw it on the floor. 0:13:30.950,0:13:34.420 And a single tear came out his eye.[br]I said, ''Oh, shit.'' 0:13:38.090,0:13:39.859 I have so many questions. 0:13:42.394,0:13:44.530 I said, ''What tribe are you from?'' 0:13:45.364,0:13:48.033 ''I am a Navajo.'' 0:13:48.734,0:13:50.235 I said, ''Word? 0:13:52.304,0:13:54.573 ''I studied you in Social Studies. 0:13:57.509,0:13:59.711 ''You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?'' 0:14:01.780,0:14:03.415 He said, ''I guess so... 0:14:04.783,0:14:07.052 ''if that's what you wish to call it.'' 0:14:07.252,0:14:09.020 I said, ''Why, what do you call it?'' 0:14:09.087,0:14:10.455 He said, ''I am... 0:14:11.556,0:14:12.857 ''an alcoholic.'' 0:14:19.464,0:14:21.265 I said, ''Well, what's your name, dog?'' 0:14:21.332,0:14:24.435 He said, ''please. Dog is my cousin.[br]That was a good guess. 0:14:24.502,0:14:25.770 ''My name is... 0:14:26.470,0:14:27.805 ''Running Coyote. 0:14:28.606,0:14:30.341 ''What is your name, friend?'' 0:14:30.408,0:14:34.378 And that shit caught me off guard.[br]I didn't wanna say my name was Dave... 0:14:34.745,0:14:37.848 to a motherfucker named Running Coyote.[br]It don't feel good enough. 0:14:37.948,0:14:39.750 He's putting me on the spot. 0:14:39.817,0:14:41.618 I said, ''My name? What? 0:14:43.153,0:14:44.955 ''Oh, my name's Black Feet.'' 0:14:49.426,0:14:53.029 I changed the subject. ''Forget about me.[br]What's going on with you? 0:14:53.396,0:14:55.065 ''I wanna meet your chief. 0:14:55.131,0:14:58.368 ''Why don't me, you, your Chief,[br]and your friends get together tonight? 0:14:58.435,0:15:00.804 ''We could have[br]a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual. 0:15:00.904,0:15:03.606 ''We need to celebrate[br]'cause I thought you were dead.'' 0:15:04.974,0:15:08.011 And he set it up. It was beautiful.[br]It was just like I dreamed. 0:15:08.111,0:15:11.147 We was all sitting around.[br]The Indians was beating the drums. 0:15:15.618,0:15:17.553 Other Indians came out the back... 0:15:17.620,0:15:21.290 with a long blanket that was folded in half[br]and put in front of us. 0:15:24.593,0:15:25.995 Opened that shit up... 0:15:26.061,0:15:29.164 and on the blanket[br]was a long wooden pipe with feathers. 0:15:30.532,0:15:33.068 And bags of weed were all over the blanket. 0:15:35.270,0:15:36.872 The chief walked over. 0:15:42.010,0:15:46.615 ''The big ones are 50.[br]The little ones are 25 and these are 10.'' 0:15:55.290,0:15:57.525 Man, those Indians got high as shit. 0:15:59.060,0:16:01.863 I was baked. I told the chief.[br]He was talking, I cut him off. 0:16:01.929,0:16:03.297 ''Time out, Chief. 0:16:03.664,0:16:05.132 ''Sorry to interrupt. 0:16:05.466,0:16:08.035 ''I'm fucking smashed, man.[br]The weed's too strong. 0:16:08.102,0:16:11.072 ''You sure this isn't pCp?[br]The spirits have got me. 0:16:11.105,0:16:13.474 ''Chief, the spirits have got me.'' 0:16:15.009,0:16:18.612 And the Chief threw some water in my face.[br]''Calm down, Blackface.'' 0:16:20.314,0:16:23.350 I said, ''It's Black Feet, motherfucker.[br]Take it easy.'' 0:16:28.188,0:16:29.389 ''Black Feet... 0:16:30.290,0:16:33.693 ''you are welcome to stay[br]amongst me and my tribe for the night... 0:16:34.828,0:16:36.796 ''until the spirits leave you.'' 0:16:38.331,0:16:41.234 And they gave me my own teepee[br]to sleep in... 0:16:41.434,0:16:44.904 which sounds nice.[br]I personally felt like it was a little fucked up. 0:16:44.971,0:16:46.573 You know, 'cause they all had houses. 0:16:46.673,0:16:49.776 It's like, why can't I sleep[br]with you all in the house and watch TV? 0:16:49.876,0:16:52.311 Like, I can't be on this grass all night. 0:16:57.350,0:17:00.886 The Indians is rude, man.[br]Everybody's rude, the Indians. 0:17:01.287,0:17:04.356 They eating nasty food.[br]All they ate was corn and shit. 0:17:05.424,0:17:07.459 Doritos, I think they called it. 0:17:09.628,0:17:10.863 That's right. 0:17:11.029,0:17:14.967 people only see the surface.[br]They see the division in our foods. 0:17:15.968,0:17:19.004 Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon... 0:17:20.539,0:17:22.474 they think[br]there's something wrong with me. 0:17:22.507,0:17:24.676 If you don't like chicken or watermelon... 0:17:24.709,0:17:27.512 something is wrong with you, motherfucker. 0:17:27.979,0:17:31.583 Where are all these people[br]that don't like chicken and watermelon? 0:17:32.383,0:17:35.286 I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is.[br]It's great. 0:17:36.221,0:17:40.992 I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to[br]do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken. 0:17:42.794,0:17:44.462 It's the least I can do. 0:17:46.931,0:17:50.568 They make fun of Latin people for eating....[br]What you all eating? 0:17:50.668,0:17:53.537 Beans? Rice? Corn? 0:17:54.071,0:17:56.907 Listen, that's not a reason[br]to hate a motherfucker, all right? 0:17:56.974,0:17:59.777 It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate. 0:18:03.180,0:18:06.717 The only reason these things[br]are even an issue is because... 0:18:07.484,0:18:09.052 nobody knows what white people eat. 0:18:09.152,0:18:13.356 You've been very good at keeping[br]that shit a secret amongst yourselves. 0:18:14.024,0:18:17.827 I study white people. You don't know that.[br]I'm writing a paper on you. 0:18:19.462,0:18:20.563 Not even for school, nigger. 0:18:20.663,0:18:23.433 Just to do it,[br]just to do this independent research. 0:18:23.466,0:18:26.502 I'm spending my money.[br]That's why I'm working so hard. 0:18:27.704,0:18:29.972 I follow you around grocery stores.[br]They freak out. 0:18:30.073,0:18:31.174 I try to peek in their cart. 0:18:31.274,0:18:34.710 They say, ''Get away from my cart, nigger.[br]What're you looking at? 0:18:35.945,0:18:38.147 ''Chicken and giblets are over there. 0:18:38.948,0:18:42.151 ''You must be lost. These are vegetables.'' 0:18:48.824,0:18:50.392 I know what you drink. 0:18:50.492,0:18:52.027 See how quiet it got. 0:18:53.595,0:18:54.596 Grape juice. 0:18:54.663,0:18:58.367 Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know[br]I knew about grape juice, did you? 0:18:58.467,0:19:00.769 Oh, don't play dumb with me. 0:19:02.704,0:19:06.408 A lot of black people don't have the[br]privilege of knowing about grape juice... 0:19:06.508,0:19:08.376 because they have grape drink. 0:19:08.476,0:19:10.812 It's not the same formula that you get. 0:19:12.814,0:19:14.816 Ain't no vitamins in that shit. 0:19:15.817,0:19:17.885 You might have one of your[br]black friends over. 0:19:17.986,0:19:21.823 ''Todd, would you care for a glass[br]of grape juice?'' ''What? 0:19:22.990,0:19:24.992 ''Nigger, what the fuck is juice? 0:19:27.061,0:19:29.063 ''I want some grape drink, baby. 0:19:30.231,0:19:31.465 ''It's purple. 0:19:34.268,0:19:37.271 ''I don't think I know what a grape drink is.''[br]''What?'' 0:19:37.905,0:19:41.475 ''I have some apple juice, if you want.''[br]''What the fuck is juice? 0:19:42.342,0:19:44.111 ''I want some apple drink. 0:19:46.346,0:19:47.547 ''It's green.'' 0:19:53.854,0:19:55.822 Remember that commercial[br]for Sunny Delight... 0:19:55.889,0:19:57.991 when all the kids[br]run in from outside playing... 0:19:58.058,0:20:00.060 and they all run to the fridge? 0:20:00.727,0:20:03.897 ''All right, I got some purple stuff,[br]some Sunny D.'' 0:20:03.963,0:20:07.267 As soon as they say ''Sunny D,''[br]all the kids go, ''Yeah!'' 0:20:08.668,0:20:09.969 Watch the black kid in the back. 0:20:10.069,0:20:12.305 If you see that commercial,[br]look at that black kid. 0:20:12.371,0:20:14.874 He'd be like, ''I want that purple stuff.'' 0:20:16.676,0:20:19.045 That's drink, nigger, it's drink. 0:20:23.249,0:20:24.617 They want drink. 0:20:25.784,0:20:28.887 They don't want all them vitamins, man.[br]They want drink. 0:20:29.088,0:20:30.622 Sugar, water, purple. 0:20:32.658,0:20:35.027 That's the ingredients: Sugar, water... 0:20:35.928,0:20:37.529 and of course, purple. 0:20:41.366,0:20:42.968 It's too fucking much. 0:20:43.268,0:20:45.036 I got a lot of things to talk about tonight. 0:20:45.270,0:20:47.706 First of all, I've stopped smoking weed... 0:20:49.341,0:20:52.577 with black people. You didn't let me finish,[br]motherfuckers. God damn. 0:20:52.644,0:20:55.213 I'm sorry, black people,[br]to break the news so publicly... 0:20:55.313,0:20:57.448 but I can't smoke with you anymore. 0:20:58.349,0:21:01.052 Every time I smoke weed[br]with my black friends... 0:21:01.419,0:21:02.954 all you talk about... 0:21:03.054,0:21:05.590 is your trials and tribulations. 0:21:05.823,0:21:09.060 I'm sick of that shit. I got my own problems.[br]That's a waste of weed. 0:21:09.126,0:21:12.630 I'm smoking weed to run from my problems,[br]not take on yours. 0:21:12.696,0:21:16.233 From now on, I smoke weed[br]exclusively with white people. 0:21:19.069,0:21:21.705 Calm down, motherfuckers,[br]you win by default. 0:21:25.142,0:21:27.144 You got good weed conversation. 0:21:28.245,0:21:31.048 All white people talk about[br]when they get high... 0:21:31.248,0:21:33.683 is other times that they got high. 0:21:35.819,0:21:37.454 I could listen to that shit all night. 0:21:37.554,0:21:41.257 ''Dude, remember at Frank's last week,[br]I was fucking smashed, man.'' 0:21:42.659,0:21:46.229 And catalogs everything they drink.[br]''I had two shots of Jäger... 0:21:47.297,0:21:49.866 ''tequila, four bong hits, man... 0:21:51.667,0:21:53.870 ''beer, cheeseburger.'' 0:21:55.738,0:21:57.707 That shit is great. The only bad part is... 0:21:57.740,0:22:01.377 you cannot pass out around white people. 0:22:02.711,0:22:05.848 Every time white dudes[br]pass out around each other... 0:22:05.948,0:22:10.085 they always do some borderline-gay shit[br]when the guys are sleeping. 0:22:11.820,0:22:15.057 ''Frank fell asleep so we, like,[br]stuck a carrot in his ass... 0:22:15.724,0:22:18.026 ''and put shaving cream on his balls.'' 0:22:18.193,0:22:20.829 Why, motherfucker?[br]Why'd you do that to a friend of yours? 0:22:20.896,0:22:23.899 He trusted you to sleep around you.[br]You put a carrot in his ass? 0:22:23.932,0:22:25.166 Is that nice? 0:22:27.469,0:22:30.105 I'll tell you,[br]if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass... 0:22:30.171,0:22:32.774 he will kill you when he wakes up[br]for some shit like that. 0:22:32.874,0:22:36.210 That is an automatic death sentence[br]on the street. 0:22:36.411,0:22:39.914 It's a wrap for you.[br]''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.'' 0:22:41.549,0:22:44.785 ''I thought you all was friends, baby.[br]What happened?'' 0:22:47.488,0:22:51.058 ''I fell asleep at his house.[br]We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house... 0:22:51.125,0:22:53.227 ''and while I was sleeping, right.... 0:22:54.929,0:22:58.465 ''I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.[br]That's all you need to know. 0:22:58.899,0:23:00.334 ''And fuck carrots.'' 0:23:04.371,0:23:06.340 But everybody's getting along. 0:23:06.873,0:23:09.142 I see that shit. I see it all around. 0:23:09.176,0:23:11.711 Blacks and whites don't fight so much. 0:23:12.112,0:23:14.981 You know who don't have no beef[br]with anybody is Asian people. 0:23:15.048,0:23:16.850 I see how you all be doing. 0:23:18.385,0:23:20.220 You all just lay in the cut. 0:23:20.420,0:23:24.090 The only people Asian people beef with[br]is other Asian people. 0:23:25.258,0:23:28.294 Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese.[br]I've done this. 0:23:28.394,0:23:30.029 They'll flip out. ''Hey. 0:23:31.497,0:23:33.666 ''What makes you think I'm Chinese? 0:23:34.467,0:23:35.935 ''I am Korean. 0:23:36.736,0:23:38.504 ''Do I look Chinese?'' 0:23:39.505,0:23:42.741 Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese.[br]That's why I said it. 0:23:42.808,0:23:46.645 It's an accident. To the untrained eye,[br]you all look Chinese to me. 0:23:48.180,0:23:50.182 It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you. 0:23:50.249,0:23:53.886 Some say all black people look alike.[br]We don't get bent out of shape. 0:23:53.986,0:23:56.788 We normally[br]just call those people ''police,'' okay? 0:23:58.056,0:24:00.092 Just learn to live with it.[br]That's all I can tell you. 0:24:00.092,0:24:01.426 Just learn to live with it.[br]That's all I can tell you. 0:24:02.227,0:24:04.462 Everybody's afraid of the police now. 0:24:05.263,0:24:07.465 I'm scared to death of these police. 0:24:07.532,0:24:09.467 I am. I got a police scanner. 0:24:09.534,0:24:12.370 First money I got,[br]that's the first shit I went out and bought. 0:24:12.470,0:24:15.907 I just listen to these motherfuckers[br]before I go out. 0:24:15.974,0:24:17.575 Just to make sure everything's cool. 0:24:17.675,0:24:20.178 You hear shit on it. ''Calling all cars. 0:24:20.244,0:24:23.915 ''Be on the lookout for a black male[br]between 4'7'' and 6'8''. 0:24:26.984,0:24:29.353 Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that. 0:24:30.554,0:24:32.857 Gotta work on that alibi for a minute. 0:24:33.290,0:24:35.426 Every black person needs an alibi. 0:24:36.493,0:24:37.895 I do them impromptu joints. 0:24:37.995,0:24:39.530 If I'm by myself and need an alibi... 0:24:39.630,0:24:42.466 I open up the windows in the apartment,[br]turn the lights on... 0:24:42.533,0:24:44.868 start beating off right in the window. 0:24:44.935,0:24:48.505 Hey, everybody. Look, it's me,[br]Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off. 0:24:48.572,0:24:50.607 Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35. 0:24:50.707,0:24:52.776 Look at me,[br]I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35. 0:24:52.909,0:24:56.046 Comedian Dave Chappelle,[br]June 10, note the time. 0:25:01.484,0:25:03.052 That shit could save my life. 0:25:03.153,0:25:05.054 ''Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that. 0:25:05.154,0:25:08.858 ''I saw him in his window masturbating[br]from 2:35 to 2:37. 0:25:08.925,0:25:10.827 ''I'm certain of it. 0:25:11.194,0:25:14.964 ''He was standing on a clock[br]and holding a calendar and today's paper.'' 0:25:18.267,0:25:21.036 Fuck, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity. 0:25:21.103,0:25:22.938 This shit is just the worst. 0:25:23.572,0:25:27.343 I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man,[br]these motherfuckers. 0:25:27.409,0:25:30.412 I went to Disney World with my kids,[br]which is a big deal for me. 0:25:30.446,0:25:32.414 I don't get to see my kids so much. 0:25:32.514,0:25:36.218 I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day.[br]Sleep for, like, half an hour. 0:25:36.285,0:25:39.087 Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes[br]and I go back to work. 0:25:39.187,0:25:40.188 Now... 0:25:42.657,0:25:44.893 this particular day[br]I got to hook up with the kids. 0:25:44.993,0:25:47.662 We went to Disney World.[br]Everybody at the park... 0:25:47.696,0:25:49.097 fucking everybody. 0:25:50.632,0:25:53.701 ''Hey. I'm Rick James, bitch.'' 0:26:00.808,0:26:02.543 It's like, ''Hey, man, hey... 0:26:03.110,0:26:06.247 ''you mind not calling me a bitch[br]in front of my kids? 0:26:06.714,0:26:09.216 ''Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off.'' 0:26:11.986,0:26:13.053 Even Mickey Mouse did it. 0:26:13.154,0:26:17.091 I said, this is the most unprofessional shit[br]I have ever seen in my life. 0:26:19.059,0:26:20.527 ''Rick James, bitch.'' 0:26:21.662,0:26:22.896 I was fed up. 0:26:23.864,0:26:26.500 I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. 0:26:27.100,0:26:28.235 Knocked his head clean off. 0:26:28.302,0:26:30.704 Everybody was screaming. ''Oh, my God. 0:26:32.973,0:26:34.708 ''Mickey Mouse is Mexican.'' 0:26:48.421,0:26:50.690 I had a terrible time in Disney World. 0:26:51.257,0:26:53.126 Disney World's like another country anyway. 0:26:53.226,0:26:57.029 They got their own currency.[br]That shit is ridiculous. 0:26:57.430,0:26:58.898 Soon as I check into the hotel: 0:26:58.931,0:27:00.666 ''Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle. 0:27:00.733,0:27:04.570 ''Can we interest you[br]in some Disney dollars?'' 0:27:05.704,0:27:07.373 ''No, man, I'm cool. 0:27:08.374,0:27:10.309 ''Can't buy weed and pussy[br]with Disney dollars. 0:27:10.376,0:27:11.743 ''I'm on vacation.'' 0:27:13.178,0:27:14.780 I like them greenbacks. 0:27:15.414,0:27:17.616 I Iike them greenbacks,[br]you know what I'm saying? 0:27:17.649,0:27:21.052 The kind of money people spend.[br]people are very particular about that. 0:27:21.153,0:27:23.688 One of the main stories from the war was.... 0:27:23.788,0:27:27.859 The first big thing we did was they said,[br]''Now that Iraq has been liberated... 0:27:28.093,0:27:32.097 ''we have managed to take[br]Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.'' 0:27:33.731,0:27:37.302 And I'm not gonna lie. When that[br]press conference came on, I was choked up. 0:27:37.368,0:27:39.203 I was actually proud to be an American... 0:27:39.303,0:27:43.908 because that is a very subtle[br]psychological nuance of oppression... 0:27:43.975,0:27:45.509 to have a dictator on your money. 0:27:45.576,0:27:49.013 And it's thoughtful to be able to[br]take that motherfucker off... 0:27:49.046,0:27:51.449 for the goodwill of another person, right? 0:27:51.549,0:27:55.686 But then I thought, if you could do that[br]for Iraq, what about our money? 0:27:55.786,0:27:59.189 Our money looks like baseball cards[br]with slave owners on them. 0:28:01.625,0:28:04.328 George Washington's the worst of the worst. 0:28:05.095,0:28:06.396 Yes, I said it. 0:28:07.898,0:28:11.168 We mythologize this motherfucker[br]like he was the greatest dude, man. 0:28:11.268,0:28:13.303 If I went back in time with a white person... 0:28:13.370,0:28:16.539 and we saw George Washington[br]walking in front of our time machine... 0:28:16.606,0:28:20.410 my white friend would probably say,[br]''Dave, look, there's George Washington. 0:28:20.510,0:28:23.613 ''The father of this great nation.[br]I'm gonna go shake his hand.'' 0:28:23.646,0:28:27.216 I'd be on the other side like,[br]''Run, nigger! George Washington!'' 0:28:28.885,0:28:30.553 And we'd both be right. 0:28:30.987,0:28:34.590 You like him because he wrote the[br]Declaration of Independence and that shit. 0:28:34.657,0:28:37.460 ''We hold these truths to be self-evident. 0:28:37.526,0:28:39.862 ''All men are created equal.'' 0:28:40.796,0:28:43.566 ''Go get me a sandwich, nigger,[br]or I'll kill you.'' 0:28:44.166,0:28:45.968 ''Liberty, justice for all.'' 0:28:48.370,0:28:51.940 Am I wrong?[br]Wait a minute, did he not own slaves? 0:28:53.008,0:28:54.610 That's all I'm saying. 0:28:56.912,0:29:00.248 I almost protested the war[br]in the beginning. Almost. 0:29:02.484,0:29:06.554 Till I saw what happened to them[br]Dixie Chicks. I said, ''Fuck that.'' 0:29:07.822,0:29:11.793 If they'll do that to three white women,[br]they will tear my black ass to pieces. 0:29:11.860,0:29:13.728 I don't wanna hear that shit. 0:29:14.195,0:29:15.597 Yeah, man, they would. 0:29:15.663,0:29:19.634 But I'm, like, for real, why do you care[br]so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying? 0:29:19.701,0:29:23.571 It's not like they're political scientists.[br]They just can sing good... 0:29:23.604,0:29:25.139 you know what I mean? 0:29:25.539,0:29:28.976 Stop worshipping celebrities so much.[br]Just don't pay attention. 0:29:29.543,0:29:34.248 I remember right around September 1 1,[br]Ja Rule was on MTV. 0:29:34.348,0:29:37.051 That's what they said.[br]''We got Ja Rule on the phone. 0:29:37.084,0:29:39.987 ''Let's see what Ja's thoughts are[br]on this tragedy.'' 0:29:40.154,0:29:42.790 Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks[br]at a time like this? 0:29:42.856,0:29:46.226 This is ridiculous.[br]I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death. 0:29:49.396,0:29:52.866 I want some answers[br]that Ja Rule might not have right now. 0:29:53.567,0:29:56.536 You think when bad shit happens to me,[br]I'll be in the crib like: 0:29:56.636,0:29:59.773 ''God, this is terrible.[br]Could somebody please... 0:30:00.206,0:30:04.611 ''find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker[br]so I can make sense of all this. 0:30:05.211,0:30:06.813 ''Where is Ja? 0:30:08.414,0:30:10.049 ''I need Ja Rule.'' 0:30:15.054,0:30:17.556 I don't even know why people listen to me. 0:30:18.190,0:30:21.927 I'll say anything.[br]I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi. 0:30:22.027,0:30:25.164 I don't give a fuck what comes out[br]of my mouth. I say what it takes. 0:30:25.264,0:30:27.733 Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying. 0:30:29.668,0:30:33.071 If you wanna know the truth,[br]can't even taste the difference. 0:30:33.138,0:30:34.373 Surprise! 0:30:36.208,0:30:39.011 All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently... 0:30:39.578,0:30:40.946 so it tastes better. 0:30:42.714,0:30:44.816 That's pretty much how the game goes. 0:30:44.916,0:30:46.084 I'm just being real, man. 0:30:46.184,0:30:48.486 There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities. 0:30:48.553,0:30:51.756 people don't know what's fake[br]and what's real anymore. 0:30:52.157,0:30:54.392 That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble. 0:30:54.859,0:30:58.129 Look what happened to Bill Cosby.[br]Bill Cosby said some real shit... 0:30:58.196,0:31:00.565 and the whole world freaked out on him. 0:31:01.165,0:31:03.134 For what? For having an opinion? 0:31:03.234,0:31:06.137 Because he was selling pudding pops[br]for the last 40 years... 0:31:06.203,0:31:09.140 people forget that he's a nigger from philly[br]and the projects. 0:31:09.206,0:31:12.076 And he might say some real shit[br]from time to time. 0:31:14.178,0:31:15.312 It's not that big of a deal. 0:31:15.379,0:31:18.449 I spoke at my old high school[br]and I told them kids straight up. 0:31:18.515,0:31:21.585 If you guys are serious[br]about making it out of this ghetto... 0:31:21.652,0:31:23.053 you gotta focus... 0:31:23.187,0:31:26.290 you gotta stop blaming white people[br]for your problems... 0:31:26.924,0:31:29.659 and you've gotta learn how to rap... 0:31:29.726,0:31:33.597 or play basketball or something, nigger.[br]You're trapped! You are trapped. 0:31:33.630,0:31:36.333 Either do that or sell crack.[br]That's your only options. 0:31:36.433,0:31:38.368 That's the only way I've ever seen it work. 0:31:38.435,0:31:41.805 You gotta entertain these white people.[br]Gotta get to dancing. 0:31:43.773,0:31:45.808 Go on out there and be somebody. 0:31:50.913,0:31:52.615 I just hope they listen. 0:31:57.353,0:32:01.290 This shit is ridiculous. people worship[br]television. They worship this shit. 0:32:01.390,0:32:03.092 You know, like, if you watch a movie. 0:32:03.192,0:32:06.395 Say you're watching a movie.[br]One character says to another character: 0:32:06.462,0:32:09.898 ''What's your number, man?''[br]What does the other character always say? 0:32:09.965,0:32:12.134 ''555-5555.'' 0:32:12.634,0:32:14.036 You know why they gotta do that? 0:32:14.102,0:32:16.338 Because stupid-ass people[br]go to the movies... 0:32:16.405,0:32:19.341 then go home and try to call the characters[br]that they just saw. 0:32:19.408,0:32:21.143 ''Hello, is Indiana Jones there?'' 0:32:21.209,0:32:24.045 No, motherfucker, he's fake.[br]It's not his number. 0:32:27.582,0:32:31.352 To be honest, this is the worst time[br]in history to be a black celebrity. 0:32:31.453,0:32:33.855 Fuck. They're locking all our stars up. 0:32:35.056,0:32:37.525 It's hot right now for black celebrities. 0:32:37.659,0:32:41.596 I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble.[br]I said, this is a wrap for us. 0:32:41.629,0:32:44.131 He's one of the most wholesome dudes[br]we had. 0:32:44.866,0:32:47.068 And they lock him up and everything. 0:32:47.868,0:32:51.539 And Kobe kept it together.[br]Thank God he held his game together... 0:32:51.605,0:32:55.943 because if he was cracking under pressure[br]and getting like, six points a game... 0:32:56.176,0:32:59.213 the whole of L.A. would be like,[br]''That nigger is guilty.'' 0:33:02.149,0:33:04.051 Kobe was playing his ass off. 0:33:04.751,0:33:07.821 He was playing[br]like his freedom depended on that shit. 0:33:08.689,0:33:10.524 You see this motherfucker in them games... 0:33:10.624,0:33:13.126 this nigger's trying to beat that case[br]on the court. 0:33:20.667,0:33:23.703 Like the judge threw him the ball.[br]''play for your freedom.'' 0:33:30.943,0:33:34.313 If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say,[br]''Just relax, you'll be fine, man.'' 0:33:34.380,0:33:37.350 'Cause the public is still giving Kobe[br]the benefit of the doubt. 0:33:37.383,0:33:39.652 He's one of the few black celebrities[br]getting that. 0:33:39.752,0:33:42.688 Not cause he's a celebrity, more because... 0:33:42.788,0:33:46.458 the girl showed up with[br]eight different semens to the investigation. 0:33:46.525,0:33:47.926 You can't do that. 0:33:48.694,0:33:50.295 That's seven too many. 0:33:51.463,0:33:54.967 That's a lot of semen.[br]This bitch's got Noah's Ark in her panties. 0:33:55.067,0:33:57.869 What's she trying[br]recreate humanity or something? 0:33:58.036,0:33:59.404 She's a collector. 0:34:01.306,0:34:05.176 Every unsolved mystery,[br]the answer might be in this girl's panties. 0:34:05.277,0:34:07.245 That's the first place I'd look. 0:34:07.412,0:34:09.447 OJ's other glove is in there. 0:34:10.515,0:34:12.016 Bigfoot's footprint. 0:34:12.750,0:34:15.353 Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker. 0:34:19.190,0:34:21.626 She's got the most diabolical drawers ever. 0:34:22.527,0:34:25.663 Fuck being a celebrity.[br]This is not the time to be a black star. 0:34:25.730,0:34:27.832 They're locking all our stars up. 0:34:28.766,0:34:32.036 Black celebrities.[br]It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. 0:34:32.236,0:34:33.804 It's all OJ's fault. 0:34:35.706,0:34:40.110 Ever since OJ got away, white people[br]just been locking up our stars, one by one. 0:34:40.577,0:34:41.645 It's true. 0:34:41.845,0:34:44.982 And it's all.... It's not even OJ's fault.[br]It's our fault. 0:34:45.148,0:34:47.684 We celebrated too openly[br]when OJ got acquitted. 0:34:47.784,0:34:50.187 We should've been quiet about that shit. 0:34:50.387,0:34:53.557 Soon as there's, ''Not guilty,''[br]niggers are dancing. 0:34:53.590,0:34:55.859 Oh, in your face, in your face. 0:34:58.294,0:35:00.096 Hurts, don't it? It hurts. 0:35:00.196,0:35:03.766 Burns, doesn't it, man?[br]Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it? 0:35:04.667,0:35:07.603 Welcome to my world, motherfucker,[br]and all that shit. 0:35:08.805,0:35:10.973 White people wanted OJ's ass bad. 0:35:11.707,0:35:15.711 The city of L.A. spent over $1 2 million[br]just trying that motherfucker. 0:35:16.112,0:35:19.415 And the look on white people's faces[br]when he was acquitted... 0:35:19.515,0:35:20.583 priceless. 0:35:30.626,0:35:34.730 And that's why I don't trip off[br]being a celebrity. I don't like it. 0:35:35.030,0:35:36.298 I don't trust it. 0:35:36.365,0:35:38.867 One minute they all love you,[br]the next thing you know... 0:35:38.934,0:35:41.570 you're in front of a courthouse[br]dancing on top of a car... 0:35:41.670,0:35:44.139 trying to figure out[br]what the fuck happened to you. 0:35:52.947,0:35:54.349 That's what I'm waiting for... 0:35:54.415,0:35:58.019 'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson[br]shit is what makes me doubt it. 0:35:58.753,0:36:02.790 Every time there's wars going out of control,[br]or the economy is bad... 0:36:02.857,0:36:04.926 or something is wrong[br]with the world at large... 0:36:05.026,0:36:06.861 it's always these moments in history... 0:36:06.927,0:36:09.463 that Michael Jackson will coincidentally... 0:36:10.664,0:36:13.167 jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. 0:36:13.667,0:36:16.303 Are you planning this shit?[br]You have meetings? 0:36:16.770,0:36:18.772 ''Michael, thank you for coming. 0:36:19.540,0:36:22.576 ''As you know, the war has not[br]been going as well as we expected. 0:36:22.676,0:36:26.313 ''There's been a lot of hiccups,[br]and the public is asking us... 0:36:26.980,0:36:28.749 ''a lot of questions, of course... 0:36:28.815,0:36:32.085 ''and well, Michael,[br]there's no nice way to say this... 0:36:32.185,0:36:35.589 ''and all I know how to do is be direct,[br]so let me just be direct. 0:36:36.556,0:36:39.926 ''We're gonna need you to jerk off[br]another child, Mike. I'm sorry. 0:36:40.026,0:36:41.394 ''I am sorry. 0:36:43.329,0:36:45.365 ''But, it would really help out.'' 0:36:47.567,0:36:49.969 Or maybe he didn't, who knows? 0:36:50.503,0:36:54.307 That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say,[br]who knows? Who the fuck knows? 0:36:54.373,0:36:57.777 Mike, God, and this little boy knows.[br]That's about it. 0:36:59.645,0:37:02.715 The only reason that I can even[br]talk about this shit... 0:37:02.781,0:37:05.284 is because everybody is speculating. 0:37:05.384,0:37:07.653 They all think he did it.[br]I don't think he did it. 0:37:07.753,0:37:10.255 I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it. 0:37:10.422,0:37:13.458 I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it.[br]That's too strong. 0:37:17.663,0:37:20.232 Let me just say I am reserving judgment... 0:37:21.299,0:37:23.168 until all the facts come out. 0:37:23.902,0:37:27.339 So far from what I heard....[br]I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer... 0:37:27.405,0:37:29.174 he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation. 0:37:29.274,0:37:33.111 He claims he had two weeks to live[br]and it was his dying wish... 0:37:34.179,0:37:35.914 to meet Michael Jackson. 0:37:36.581,0:37:38.249 Come on, man, give me a fucking break. 0:37:38.349,0:37:40.685 This kid is 10 years old.[br]He don't remember Thriller. 0:37:40.785,0:37:43.821 What the fuck he want to meet[br]Michael Jackson for? Honestly. 0:37:44.989,0:37:48.726 I remember Thriller and I just, like,[br]kind of want to meet this nigger. 0:37:48.893,0:37:50.861 I wouldn't break an appointment[br]to meet him. 0:37:50.895,0:37:53.964 I'll put it that way.[br]I'd have to already be free. 0:37:54.064,0:37:56.300 That's ridiculous.[br]If I'm dying in two weeks and go: 0:37:56.367,0:37:59.903 ''Mama, get me in a room[br]with Chubby Checker''... 0:38:00.304,0:38:02.706 I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker... 0:38:02.773,0:38:06.677 not in my last two weeks.[br]Why not Usher or somebody like this? 0:38:07.377,0:38:09.146 So then the kid claims... 0:38:10.047,0:38:13.316 he goes to Michael's house.[br]This is where it all gets crazy. 0:38:13.383,0:38:15.852 He does everything[br]that you'd expect at Michael's house. 0:38:15.952,0:38:19.456 They climbed trees and rode roller coasters[br]and Ferris wheels. 0:38:19.556,0:38:21.591 The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes. 0:38:21.624,0:38:25.695 They was petting a monkey and giraffes,[br]singing songs. Kid shit. 0:38:26.663,0:38:29.499 And in the middle of[br]all this childlike activity... 0:38:29.732,0:38:31.134 for some reason... 0:38:32.268,0:38:34.670 Mike put out some wine and some pills... 0:38:37.373,0:38:39.175 and sucked this kid's dick. 0:38:40.276,0:38:42.144 Folks, it hurts me to say it. 0:38:43.546,0:38:46.048 And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse. 0:38:46.148,0:38:48.050 Motherfucker, that is a good host. 0:38:48.150,0:38:50.152 God damn. What else do you want? 0:38:53.956,0:38:57.859 I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink[br]at my friend's house... 0:38:58.627,0:39:01.463 let alone a roller coaster ride[br]and my dick sucked. 0:39:04.132,0:39:07.335 Mike must be confused like,[br]''I brought you in my house, I fed you... 0:39:07.435,0:39:10.905 ''I sucked your dick, and this is how[br]you repay me, motherfucker? 0:39:10.972,0:39:13.341 ''This was your wish, not mine. 0:39:15.843,0:39:18.980 ''Thought you were dying in two weeks.[br]What happened to that? 0:39:19.047,0:39:22.950 ''I've been in court for a year-and-a-half.[br]You get stronger every time I see you.'' 0:39:27.021,0:39:30.391 Wouldn't it.... This is fucked, though.[br]I shouldn't even say this. 0:39:30.458,0:39:32.226 Wouldn't it be some ironic shit... 0:39:32.259,0:39:35.462 if they found out through this case[br]that the cure for cancer... 0:39:35.496,0:39:38.132 was Michael Jackson[br]sucking your dick, somehow? 0:39:40.534,0:39:42.903 Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile... 0:39:42.970,0:39:45.472 and all the kids are like,[br]''please, Mike, suck on this.'' 0:39:45.539,0:39:47.007 ''Never again. 0:39:47.941,0:39:49.743 ''They didn't appreciate it.'' 0:39:53.113,0:39:55.315 ''Can we at least study your saliva?'' 0:39:56.616,0:39:57.951 ''please, Mike.'' 0:40:03.289,0:40:05.925 It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop. 0:40:06.459,0:40:09.929 And the only reason I can talk about Mike is[br]'cause he's a freak. 0:40:10.029,0:40:13.299 He is a freak.[br]That's why people let you talk about him. 0:40:13.366,0:40:17.169 If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids,[br]it'd get quiet as shit. 0:40:20.606,0:40:24.410 But when Michael Jackson does it,[br]it's okay, because he's a freak. 0:40:24.577,0:40:26.378 His face is all cut up. 0:40:26.445,0:40:30.416 And just remember, when you look at[br]that thing that he calls his face... 0:40:31.016,0:40:33.085 that he did that for you somehow. 0:40:34.419,0:40:36.588 Somehow he thought maybe it'll help. 0:40:36.655,0:40:40.258 ''Maybe people will like me more[br]if I turn myself into a white... 0:40:41.226,0:40:44.062 ''ghoulish-like creature.''[br]I don't know what it is... 0:40:44.329,0:40:45.931 but he did it for you. 0:40:46.364,0:40:48.433 And I appreciate the gesture,[br]Michael Jackson. 0:40:48.500,0:40:50.869 If you're watching this,[br]I appreciate that gesture... 0:40:50.935,0:40:52.971 and I want you to know, fuck everybody. 0:40:53.071,0:40:56.107 Dave Chappelle understands.[br]'Cause you wanna know something? 0:40:56.174,0:40:58.810 I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes. 0:40:59.844,0:41:02.346 Nothing major.[br]You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you... 0:41:02.413,0:41:06.050 but it's some shit I'm insecure about[br]that I wanna work on. 0:41:06.617,0:41:07.685 If you must know... 0:41:07.785,0:41:10.654 I'm getting Botox done on my balls[br]to get these wrinkles out. 0:41:10.755,0:41:13.924 Finally, to have these[br]just as smooth as eggs. 0:41:15.392,0:41:16.727 Oh, I can't wait. 0:41:18.629,0:41:20.364 I cannot wait. 0:41:22.432,0:41:25.535 And I'm not stopping there.[br]That's just phase one, baby. 0:41:25.936,0:41:29.139 I'd be like Bob Vila,[br]these old balls, I'm fixing them up. 0:41:30.173,0:41:32.108 I'm plucking all the hair out. 0:41:33.710,0:41:35.712 I gotta make room, I know this. 0:41:36.579,0:41:39.949 I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on... 0:41:40.016,0:41:42.485 with mean expressions, like this. 0:41:43.887,0:41:48.124 Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom,[br]so they got beards like me. 0:41:52.328,0:41:55.698 Then I'm hitting that beach[br]and looking for ball-suckers. 0:41:56.532,0:41:59.068 I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this. 0:42:01.070,0:42:04.406 And walk up to women with a confidence[br]I've never had before. 0:42:04.707,0:42:06.075 ''pardon me, miss... 0:42:06.875,0:42:08.577 ''I don't mean to be rude... 0:42:09.812,0:42:11.647 ''but do you suck balls?'' 0:42:13.415,0:42:14.583 ''Excuse me?'' 0:42:15.050,0:42:17.586 ''Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish. 0:42:18.253,0:42:21.223 ''Do you suck these balls?'' 0:42:23.892,0:42:27.128 ''Oh, my God,[br]those balls are as smooth as eggs. 0:42:28.697,0:42:30.265 ''Yes, I'll suck them.'' 0:42:32.567,0:42:36.137 I've played this scenario out in my mind[br]a million times, ladies. 0:42:36.371,0:42:40.208 That's how it always ends,[br]''Yes, I'll suck those balls.'' 0:42:45.446,0:42:49.417 All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim. 0:42:52.086,0:42:53.687 I know it was rough... 0:42:53.954,0:42:56.924 but I mean, again,[br]I can't even judge R. Kelly. 0:42:57.024,0:42:59.326 We don't know[br]if these allegations are true or not. 0:42:59.426,0:43:03.463 Even if they are true, if you wanna know[br]how I feel about it, honestly... 0:43:03.530,0:43:05.699 if a man cannot pee on his fans... 0:43:06.133,0:43:10.303 I don't wanna be in show business anymore.[br]Because that's why I got in the game, baby. 0:43:10.370,0:43:11.738 I got dreams, too. 0:43:16.810,0:43:18.211 You guys are confusing the issue. 0:43:18.311,0:43:22.215 While you guys are busy worrying about[br]if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not... 0:43:22.315,0:43:24.350 you're not asking yourself[br]the real question... 0:43:24.417,0:43:26.619 that America needs to decide[br]once and for all. 0:43:26.686,0:43:28.354 And that question is: 0:43:28.654,0:43:30.656 ''How old is 15, really?'' 0:43:35.027,0:43:36.829 No, that's a good question. 0:43:38.764,0:43:41.901 I'm not saying that a person is as smart[br]as they're gonna be at 15. 0:43:41.967,0:43:43.536 That's not what I'm saying, man. 0:43:43.636,0:43:46.772 But I am saying, 15 to me... 0:43:47.139,0:43:48.874 is old enough to decide... 0:43:49.375,0:43:52.010 whether or not you want to be pissed on.[br]That's me. 0:43:52.110,0:43:54.980 If you can't make a decision like that[br]by the time you're 15... 0:43:55.047,0:43:58.817 then just give up, motherfucker,[br]because life is way harder than that. 0:43:59.284,0:44:01.186 I make tougher decisions all the time. 0:44:01.253,0:44:03.455 You don't wanna get pissed on,[br]get out of the way. 0:44:03.488,0:44:04.556 It's not even a decision. 0:44:04.623,0:44:08.059 If I start peeing on the front row[br]they won't have to calculate and think: 0:44:08.126,0:44:11.296 ''How do I feel about this?[br]Am I okay with it?'' They just move! 0:44:13.865,0:44:15.967 You can do that at 15. I could have. 0:44:16.067,0:44:19.904 I've been 15. When I was 15,[br]I was doing stand-up in nightclubs. 0:44:19.971,0:44:21.372 I smoked reefer from time to time. 0:44:21.472,0:44:24.508 My friends were selling crack.[br]I was trying to finger-fuck people. 0:44:24.575,0:44:28.312 I knew what was happening around me[br]to some degree. 0:44:29.647,0:44:33.817 Getting pissed on[br]was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me. 0:44:37.087,0:44:40.257 But it keeps coming up.[br]There's a lot of confusion around that age. 0:44:40.290,0:44:42.860 Any time 15 comes up, people freak out... 0:44:43.026,0:44:45.862 Iike when that girl[br]Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped. 0:44:46.129,0:44:47.130 Right? 0:44:47.431,0:44:50.734 In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl[br]Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped... 0:44:50.834,0:44:53.737 then they finally found her[br]and the whole country was relieved. 0:44:53.770,0:44:57.674 And I was the only one saying,[br]''Damn, she wasn't that smart after all.'' 0:44:57.941,0:45:00.610 Not 'cause she got kidnapped.[br]That could happen to anybody. 0:45:00.710,0:45:01.911 I'm not knocking her for that. 0:45:01.978,0:45:04.847 I'm just saying,[br]if you kidnapped me when I was 15... 0:45:06.115,0:45:10.219 you gotta take me further than 8 miles[br]away from my house, man. God damn. 0:45:10.853,0:45:14.891 You can't hold me prisoner around shit[br]I recognize. I'll break away. 0:45:15.324,0:45:18.928 Fuck off, that's my bus stop.[br]I know where I'm at. I'm going home. 0:45:25.267,0:45:28.303 She was missing for six months[br]8 miles away from her house. 0:45:28.370,0:45:30.672 That's two exits, man. That's nothing. 0:45:32.808,0:45:36.612 While she was missing.... During[br]this half a year that this girl was missing... 0:45:36.645,0:45:40.348 there's a 7-year-old black girl[br]gets kidnapped in philadelphia. 0:45:40.415,0:45:44.152 Nobody knows her name. They might've[br]talked about it a few times on the news... 0:45:44.219,0:45:46.087 but she should've been the top story. 0:45:46.154,0:45:49.791 She chewed through the ropes and had[br]both of these motherfuckers in jail... 0:45:49.858,0:45:52.460 in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old. 0:45:53.194,0:45:54.829 I'm not making this up. 0:45:57.699,0:46:02.036 These two crackheads kidnapped her,[br]took her to the crackhouse and tied her up. 0:46:02.637,0:46:03.938 And then they left her. 0:46:04.005,0:46:06.540 They gotta make moves,[br]crack to smoke, chocolate to eat. 0:46:06.607,0:46:08.542 They made moves. They was out. 0:46:10.044,0:46:12.947 Soon as they left,[br]this little girl got to nibbling. 0:46:13.981,0:46:17.751 She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home[br]watching herself on the news at 5:30. 0:46:17.818,0:46:20.687 That shit is crazy. That's a news story. 0:46:23.390,0:46:24.391 Now... 0:46:26.493,0:46:27.928 meanwhile in Utah... 0:46:29.496,0:46:32.766 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors[br]left her alone, too. 0:46:32.866,0:46:35.502 And they didn't even tie her up[br]'cause they're hillbillies. 0:46:35.569,0:46:36.703 They just bounced. 0:46:36.770,0:46:40.140 ''Don't try to escape, bitch,[br]or we'll kill you. Be right back.'' 0:46:40.807,0:46:43.977 They leave. And she's 15[br]sitting in the house by herself. 0:46:44.444,0:46:46.412 ''How am I gonna get out of this? 0:46:49.982,0:46:51.784 ''Come on, Elizabeth, think. 0:46:52.084,0:46:54.887 ''Think, Elizabeth,[br]how am I gonna get out of here?'' 0:46:56.188,0:46:58.124 Just open the fucking door and go outside. 0:46:58.190,0:46:59.492 Have you thought about that? 0:46:59.525,0:47:01.627 You have a quarter?[br]You know your phone number? 0:47:01.694,0:47:04.964 You're 15, bitch! Run![br]Stop thinking and start making moves! 0:47:06.732,0:47:09.968 I know I sound mean.[br]people are thinking when I'm saying this: 0:47:10.069,0:47:12.337 ''Dave, she's only 15.'' 0:47:12.804,0:47:14.540 All right, but that's the discrepancy... 0:47:14.606,0:47:17.542 'cause when you talk about[br]a little girl like Elizabeth Smart... 0:47:17.609,0:47:20.979 then the country feels like 15 is so young[br]and so innocent. 0:47:21.246,0:47:23.582 On the flip side, here comes 15 again. 0:47:23.648,0:47:26.785 Now we're talking about a 15-year-old[br]black kid in Florida. 0:47:26.851,0:47:29.087 This black kid[br]accidentally killed his neighbor... 0:47:29.187,0:47:31.890 when he was practicing wrestling moves[br]that he saw on TV. 0:47:31.956,0:47:33.525 Now, was he a kid? No. 0:47:34.025,0:47:37.328 They gave him life.[br]They always try our 15-year-olds as adults. 0:47:37.428,0:47:39.630 ''This nigger knew what he was doing. 0:47:39.864,0:47:41.966 ''He's a goddamn pile driver. 0:47:43.768,0:47:46.771 ''This kid gets on the ropes,[br]there's no stopping him. 0:47:47.271,0:47:49.740 ''We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.'' 0:47:51.142,0:47:53.244 And they gave a 15-year-old boy... 0:47:53.978,0:47:55.512 life in jail. 0:47:56.347,0:47:59.183 If you think that it's okay[br]to give him life in jail... 0:47:59.249,0:48:00.651 it should be legal to pee on him. 0:48:00.684,0:48:04.021 That's all I'm saying. You gotta[br]make up your mind across the board... 0:48:04.087,0:48:07.924 how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying. 0:48:08.125,0:48:09.459 I'm gonna tell you right now... 0:48:09.526,0:48:12.129 if somebody comes in here,[br]puts a gun to my head and says: 0:48:12.229,0:48:14.030 ''Chappelle, you got a choice to make. 0:48:14.097,0:48:17.767 ''You're either going to jail for a month[br]or we'll let you go... 0:48:17.967,0:48:20.070 ''but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.'' 0:48:20.904,0:48:22.372 I'm not hesitating. 0:48:22.572,0:48:25.742 ''Bring in R. Kelly and tell him[br]to stay away from my eyes.'' 0:48:28.745,0:48:32.815 I'd rather get pissed on on the outside[br]than fucked in the butt on the inside. 0:48:35.017,0:48:37.620 I can't go to jail[br]with some smooth Botox balls... 0:48:37.687,0:48:41.457 and think everything's gonna be all right.[br]It's not that kind of place. 0:48:42.124,0:48:45.995 Take my chances with that piss. piss[br]will wash off with a 10-minute shower. 0:48:46.095,0:48:48.764 I'm certain of it.[br]''This piss is coming right out. 0:48:51.033,0:48:53.569 ''What could I do?[br]They were gonna put me in jail.'' 0:48:56.405,0:48:56.571 Society is changing rapidly.[br]You can't smoke indoors. 0:48:56.571,0:48:59.608 Society is changing rapidly.[br]You can't smoke indoors. 0:49:00.876,0:49:02.844 What the fuck is that all about? 0:49:02.978,0:49:05.547 I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking. 0:49:06.181,0:49:08.116 No, that shit was ridiculous. 0:49:09.050,0:49:11.219 The stripper did it.[br]The stripper came up like: 0:49:11.286,0:49:15.657 ''Your smoking is a health risk for me.[br]I don't wanna work in this environment.'' 0:49:18.393,0:49:22.330 Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested[br]pussy in my face. You started it. 0:49:27.101,0:49:28.703 And they threw me out. 0:49:29.437,0:49:31.872 It's the dirtiest place[br]I've ever been thrown out of. 0:49:31.906,0:49:34.975 And just to give you an idea[br]of what I mean by dirty.... 0:49:36.176,0:49:39.179 Lap dances at this place: $3. 0:49:40.447,0:49:42.149 It's fucking disgusting. 0:49:42.850,0:49:45.652 And at the same time,[br]who could pass up a sale, son? 0:49:45.752,0:49:48.455 It was $3! Of course I did it. 0:49:49.423,0:49:51.024 It's only 1 2 quarters. 0:49:51.391,0:49:53.527 Said, ''I'll break a five for that.'' 0:49:56.896,0:49:59.099 I've never seen somebody work[br]this hard for $3. 0:49:59.165,0:50:01.868 This lady must've been a throwback[br]to the Great Depression. 0:50:01.935,0:50:03.436 She was all over me. 0:50:03.703,0:50:06.339 It's the first time I ever told a stripper[br]to get off me. 0:50:06.406,0:50:10.076 ''All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss.[br]Thank you. 0:50:11.978,0:50:13.346 ''That'll be all. 0:50:14.113,0:50:17.183 ''That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me! 0:50:18.818,0:50:21.821 ''Whatever happened to lipstick[br]on the collar, lady? 0:50:23.856,0:50:26.525 ''I have a shit streak[br]on the middle of my shirt. 0:50:28.627,0:50:31.630 ''How the fuck am I gonna explain this[br]when I get home?'' 0:50:34.499,0:50:36.935 ''Oh, no, baby, me and Bob[br]were playing basketball... 0:50:37.035,0:50:39.471 ''and Bob dunked on me.[br]He was hanging on the rim... 0:50:39.538,0:50:40.705 ''and his pants fell down. 0:50:40.772,0:50:42.941 ''I was checking up close[br]and he was swinging... 0:50:43.008,0:50:47.445 ''and his butt cheeks might've....[br]His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt. 0:50:49.581,0:50:51.549 ''Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt? 0:50:51.616,0:50:54.018 ''I don't know. It was midnight.[br]What the fuck? 0:50:56.955,0:50:57.955 ''Just let me think.'' 0:50:58.022,0:51:00.124 That's a guy lying,[br]when he says shit like that. 0:51:00.191,0:51:02.093 ''Hold on, just let me think.'' 0:51:05.429,0:51:08.966 Your man ever said that to you?[br]''Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?'' 0:51:16.740,0:51:19.476 You guys have made too much progress[br]too fast. 0:51:19.543,0:51:22.746 Not too much, but you're just confused.[br]You made so much progress... 0:51:22.813,0:51:23.947 you even confused. 0:51:24.014,0:51:26.583 Men and women, both like,[br]''What just happened?'' 0:51:27.150,0:51:29.753 Women got all this money now[br]but they're still like women. 0:51:29.820,0:51:32.289 ''Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 0:51:32.556,0:51:35.058 You'd be thinking,[br]''Bitch, you got more money than me... 0:51:35.191,0:51:37.327 ''you never take me anywhere anymore.'' 0:51:39.429,0:51:41.664 At the same time,[br]you don't treat a man like a man. 0:51:41.731,0:51:46.035 You don't cook, you don't clean, and[br]you don't do anything a motherfucker says. 0:51:46.102,0:51:48.805 You tell him what to do.[br]Women do this to men all the time. 0:51:48.905,0:51:50.273 ''Come on!'' 0:51:55.144,0:51:56.646 No man wants that shit. 0:51:56.746,0:51:59.148 I don't want anybody[br]to tell me what to do that much. 0:51:59.181,0:52:02.284 You gotta work with me.[br]Like if it makes a man feel like a man... 0:52:02.384,0:52:05.554 to watch the game, let him sit down[br]and watch the game for a minute. 0:52:05.621,0:52:08.490 If he happens to look over at you[br]while watching the game... 0:52:08.590,0:52:12.394 don't look at him all mean[br]and make him feel guilty about watching it. 0:52:12.427,0:52:15.330 pick up your own titty and suck it.[br]Just try it out. 0:52:22.204,0:52:25.807 He will instantly remember[br]why he fell in love. ''Oh, that's right... 0:52:26.808,0:52:29.577 ''I forgot my girl sucks her own titties[br]from time to time. 0:52:29.644,0:52:31.546 ''I can't walk away from that. 0:52:32.780,0:52:34.148 ''It's too hard to find.'' 0:52:34.315,0:52:37.251 See? That took 20 seconds.[br]You can be just as busy as you want... 0:52:37.352,0:52:40.188 suck your own titty and everything's cool.[br]Or how about this? 0:52:40.221,0:52:44.058 If you're making love to your man,[br]might as well spice it up, right? 0:52:44.125,0:52:46.394 How about this? I personally like it. 0:52:47.928,0:52:50.498 I like it when a girl tells me where to come. 0:52:50.564,0:52:53.167 Don't like it when she tells me[br]when to come. I hate it. 0:52:53.267,0:52:56.070 ''Don't come yet.'' Oh, bitch, all these rules! 0:53:09.449,0:53:11.985 Instead of doing that,[br]why don't you just tell us where? 0:53:12.052,0:53:15.388 It would make us feel better.[br]Especially if you're aggressive about it. 0:53:15.422,0:53:18.725 I like it when a girl gets wild with me.[br]''Come in my face!'' 0:53:22.395,0:53:24.464 Stick your chin out like a boxer. 0:53:26.266,0:53:28.067 ''Bring it on, motherfucker. 0:53:29.035,0:53:30.269 ''You're a bum.'' 0:53:34.273,0:53:37.410 But it doesn't have to be[br]that wild or explicit. 0:53:37.510,0:53:40.546 All a man wants to know is[br]you're interested and will participate. 0:53:40.613,0:53:42.915 You can say anything, he'll be happy. 0:53:43.649,0:53:46.585 ''Come on top of the television.''[br]All right, fine. 0:53:55.327,0:53:56.795 The weirder the place, the better. 0:53:56.862,0:53:59.698 ''Come in my fishbowl.'' Damn, fishbowl. 0:54:01.266,0:54:03.635 ''Oh, shit, they're eating it all.'' 0:54:15.713,0:54:17.615 Fish love it when I come over. 0:54:18.316,0:54:20.952 ''It's that guy.[br]We're having chicken tonight.'' 0:54:26.023,0:54:29.527 You guys, man, thanks.[br]This has been the best year of my career. 0:54:29.727,0:54:30.795 By far. 0:54:34.498,0:54:36.967 I appreciate you guys watching me. 0:54:40.304,0:54:42.406 'Cause I do it for my kids, really. 0:54:42.506,0:54:43.941 And my kids are off the hook. 0:54:44.007,0:54:47.644 You think I'm a bad motherfucker,[br]wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle. 0:54:47.744,0:54:49.546 This nigger is off the hook. 0:54:50.380,0:54:52.015 My sons are bad. 0:54:52.549,0:54:54.150 My oldest son is three. 0:54:54.784,0:54:57.554 This kid made me a necklace[br]out of macaroni. 0:54:57.620,0:54:59.155 I said, ''This shit is baller.'' 0:54:59.222,0:55:01.925 He painted the macaroni green[br]and put it on a string. 0:55:02.025,0:55:06.095 He tied it on my neck and he told me[br]he was proud of me and I got choked up. 0:55:06.829,0:55:09.265 And he thought I was sad.[br]That's how smart he was. 0:55:09.332,0:55:11.067 He says, ''Are you sad, Daddy?'' 0:55:11.134,0:55:13.069 And I said, ''No, I'm not sad. 0:55:13.836,0:55:18.274 ''You're too young to understand this,[br]son, but this is fucking crazy. 0:55:21.644,0:55:23.913 ''You used to live in my balls, man. 0:55:26.415,0:55:30.385 ''Now you're making jewelry out of[br]macaroni. You're a bad motherfucker.'' 0:55:30.986,0:55:32.788 Long live Chappelles. 0:56:08.356,0:56:09.623 Oh, shit. 0:56:10.858,0:56:13.894 Thanks, guys. Thank you. 0:56:16.096,0:56:17.731 That's what it's all about. 0:56:17.831,0:56:19.733 Everybody usually wants to be famous... 0:56:19.833,0:56:21.935 so they can rock nice jewelry[br]and all that shit. 0:56:22.035,0:56:25.072 I already got a macaroni necklace.[br]I got valuable shit. 0:56:32.145,0:56:33.947 I'm not in it for that. 0:56:34.180,0:56:37.250 The only kind of shit I wanna do[br]with fame that's decadent... 0:56:37.350,0:56:41.354 is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000[br]blackjack table. 0:56:41.421,0:56:42.989 And I don't even wanna play. 0:56:43.056,0:56:47.060 I wanna be such a big star that I can[br]go up to one of the players in a tight hand... 0:56:47.126,0:56:49.195 and put my dick on his shoulder. 0:56:49.462,0:56:52.231 And I'm such a celebrity,[br]they think it's funny. 0:56:54.166,0:56:55.701 ''Hey, what the fuck? 0:56:56.435,0:56:58.471 ''Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle! 0:56:59.105,0:57:00.339 ''Wow.'' 0:57:02.808,0:57:03.909 He gets on his cell phone: 0:57:03.976,0:57:07.579 ''You are not gonna believe whose dick[br]is on my shoulder right now. 0:57:08.847,0:57:11.950 ''And this guy's balls are as smooth as eggs. 0:57:13.151,0:57:14.853 ''He's had some work done.'' 0:57:16.254,0:57:18.590 Couldn't thank you enough.[br]God bless you all, man. 0:57:18.657,0:57:22.093 Keep watching. I'm gonna[br]try to make it interesting. Stay safe.