0:00:14.395,0:00:18.890 These days I work[br]as a sex researcher and educator. 0:00:18.890,0:00:21.680 But when I first accepted a job, in 1999, 0:00:21.680,0:00:26.380 at the Kinsey Institute for Research[br]in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, 0:00:26.380,0:00:32.330 I was really nervous to tell my family[br]that I would be working in sex research. 0:00:32.330,0:00:36.980 I was particularly nervous[br]to tell my grandmother. 0:00:36.980,0:00:42.440 My grandparents lived around the corner[br]from my family and I growing up, 0:00:42.440,0:00:44.120 and I was really close with them. 0:00:44.120,0:00:47.320 And they were loving[br]and kind, and generous people, 0:00:47.320,0:00:51.170 and also very Catholic,[br]and very traditional, 0:00:51.170,0:00:53.690 and people who didn't talk about sex. 0:00:53.690,0:00:56.240 But when I went to Boston[br]to visit my grandmother, 0:00:56.240,0:00:59.240 and I told her about the job[br]that I was taking, 0:00:59.240,0:01:02.350 she surprised me by saying[br]that she was proud of me 0:01:02.350,0:01:05.600 and that she thought[br]it was really important work to be doing. 0:01:05.600,0:01:08.400 This was not the grandmother that I knew. 0:01:08.400,0:01:12.200 But then she told me a story[br]that helped me to understand. 0:01:12.200,0:01:15.690 This is my grandmother[br]and my mom as a young girl. 0:01:15.690,0:01:16.910 My grammy told me 0:01:16.910,0:01:20.660 that she and my grandfather had tried[br]for years to become pregnant, 0:01:20.660,0:01:23.650 and when they finally did it[br]was a dream come true for them. 0:01:23.650,0:01:26.120 Until she went into labor. 0:01:26.120,0:01:30.870 It was only in the midst of labor[br]that she learned for the first time 0:01:30.870,0:01:34.890 that her baby would be delivered[br]not through her stomach, 0:01:34.890,0:01:39.360 which is how she thought babies[br]left the body, but through her vagina. 0:01:39.360,0:01:42.640 Although she didn't use the word vagina[br]when she told me this story. 0:01:42.640,0:01:47.520 So this was an awful[br]and frightening birth experience, 0:01:47.520,0:01:49.400 that really should have been wonderful, 0:01:49.400,0:01:52.260 and something that they had[br]looked forward to for years. 0:01:52.260,0:01:56.110 In case you're wondering how it could[br]get to that point, because I was : 0:01:56.110,0:02:01.230 her mom had died when she was a teenager,[br]she wasn't around to tell her about birth. 0:02:01.230,0:02:05.200 I have no idea why her doctor[br]didn't give her that information. 0:02:05.200,0:02:08.520 Except maybe this was, you know,[br]I mean, it was before Kinsey's time, 0:02:08.520,0:02:12.230 that was before the sexual revolution,[br]these things weren't talked about... 0:02:12.230,0:02:16.710 But as a result, she thought that Kinsey's[br]pioneering work in sex and reproduction 0:02:16.710,0:02:19.480 was so valuable. 0:02:19.480,0:02:21.510 That's why she thought it was great[br]that I was working there. 0:02:21.510,0:02:24.970 Now she tried to do better[br]with her daughter, my mom, 0:02:24.970,0:02:28.250 by giving her more information[br]about pregnancy and childbirth. 0:02:28.250,0:02:31.850 But still, they were uncomfortable[br]talking about sex and bodies. 0:02:31.850,0:02:34.130 That was the home my mom was raised in, 0:02:34.130,0:02:37.300 so that's still how my mom felt[br]about those things. 0:02:37.300,0:02:40.090 And when it came time for me[br]to be in fifth grade, 0:02:40.090,0:02:42.380 and my class was shown[br]a video about puberty, 0:02:42.380,0:02:45.130 that I'm sure many of you have seen too, 0:02:45.130,0:02:48.090 she asked me in the car[br]on the way to dance class 0:02:48.090,0:02:50.270 "Did they show you the video in school?" 0:02:50.270,0:02:51.480 And I said "Yes." 0:02:51.480,0:02:53.730 And she said "Do you have any questions?" 0:02:53.730,0:02:55.460 And I said "No." 0:02:55.460,0:02:58.650 And that was our only conversation. 0:02:58.650,0:03:02.670 Now, two years later,[br]I got my period for the first time. 0:03:02.670,0:03:06.560 I was with my grandparents,[br]I didn't want to tell them, 0:03:06.560,0:03:09.700 So I had to call my mom[br]because I needed help. 0:03:09.700,0:03:11.660 When she came home from work, 0:03:11.660,0:03:15.000 she came back with a brown,[br]paper grocery store bag 0:03:15.000,0:03:19.460 and handed it to me, and said[br]"Here, I have the things you need." 0:03:19.460,0:03:22.550 And inside the bag were pads. 0:03:22.550,0:03:26.930 The whole experience was so embarrassing[br]and painful for me, 0:03:26.930,0:03:30.740 that months later, when I ran out,[br]I needed more. 0:03:30.740,0:03:33.730 I just was not going to approach[br]that conversation with her again, 0:03:33.730,0:03:37.720 but I didn't know where to get any,[br]and I wanted to try tampons anyway, 0:03:37.720,0:03:41.410 'cause I swam all the time,[br]and I didn't want to talk to her about it. 0:03:41.410,0:03:43.490 So I figured, well, I have a bike... 0:03:43.490,0:03:46.190 Now, I wasn't allowed[br]to leave the neighborhood, 0:03:46.190,0:03:48.920 I mean, we lived in the suburbs,[br]far away from any stores. 0:03:48.920,0:03:52.180 I only was supposed to be driving,[br]like a block or two on my bike 0:03:52.180,0:03:53.390 to my friends' houses. 0:03:53.390,0:03:54.770 We were point A at my house, 0:03:54.770,0:03:58.760 the farthest I'd ever ridden[br]on my bike alone was point B, 0:03:58.760,0:04:00.970 one mile away to a friends' house. 0:04:00.970,0:04:02.950 But I thought about it for a while, 0:04:02.950,0:04:04.940 and I figured out[br]that there was this store in South Miami, 0:04:04.940,0:04:08.720 that's where the tampons were! 0:04:08.720,0:04:10.030 (Laughter) 0:04:10.030,0:04:14.820 So one day when I got enough nerve,[br]and figured no one was gonna miss me 0:04:14.820,0:04:16.810 for a little while, I got on my bike 0:04:16.810,0:04:22.138 and I pedaled what ended up being [br]five miles following this route. 0:04:22.138,0:04:25.588 It's fairly straight, but it actually[br]crosses a lot of busy streets. 0:04:25.588,0:04:27.558 And I was really worried[br]about getting caught, 0:04:27.558,0:04:28.902 but I got the tampons, 0:04:28.902,0:04:32.680 put the plastic bag on my handlebars,[br]and rode back the five miles, 0:04:32.680,0:04:35.700 and never told anyone ever. 0:04:35.700,0:04:38.128 My mom will find out[br]when she hears this talk. 0:04:38.120,0:04:39.450 (Laughter) 0:04:40.880,0:04:44.832 Now a culture in which 13-year-old girls 0:04:44.832,0:04:47.440 end up riding their bikes[br]disobeying their parents, 0:04:47.440,0:04:48.840 which I hardly every did, 0:04:48.840,0:04:52.200 you know, all because this is[br]so uncomfortable for them, 0:04:52.200,0:04:56.310 it's not the only bad outcome[br]of a society that doesn't talk about sex. 0:04:56.310,0:05:03.020 When sex is treated as abnormal,[br]doctors and patients don't talk about sex. 0:05:03.020,0:05:06.978 It's not unusual for cancer patients[br]in my line of work 0:05:06.978,0:05:10.730 to tell me that they've had 50 or 100[br]or more medical appointments, 0:05:10.730,0:05:13.054 including for pelvic radiation, 0:05:13.054,0:05:15.512 and never once had a health care provider 0:05:15.512,0:05:18.512 mention the serious[br]sexual side effects to them. 0:05:18.512,0:05:20.650 When sex is treated as abnormal, 0:05:20.650,0:05:23.276 we don't talk about it[br]or teach about it in schools. 0:05:23.276,0:05:26.350 And when the CDC maps [br]sexually transmissible infections, 0:05:26.350,0:05:29.400 it's perhaps not surprising, [br]that they tend to cluster 0:05:29.400,0:05:33.370 in areas of the country[br]known for lack of sex education. 0:05:33.370,0:05:37.310 Notice the dark areas[br]for chlamydia in the US, 0:05:37.310,0:05:39.698 gonorrhea in the US, 0:05:39.698,0:05:42.208 and HIV in the US. 0:05:42.208,0:05:46.420 When we don't talk about sex[br]and it's treated as abnormal, 0:05:46.430,0:05:50.210 people sometimes say inaccurate[br]or insensitive things. 0:05:50.210,0:05:54.260 The 2012 election season[br]was particularly painful for me 0:05:54.260,0:05:58.760 to hear phrases like "legitimate rape",[br]"rape shutdown mechanisms" 0:05:58.760,0:06:03.280 and the quote [br]"Some girls, they rape so easy." 0:06:03.280,0:06:06.480 When sex is treated as abnormal, 0:06:06.480,0:06:10.200 we don't even know what's true about sex,[br]because we're not talking about it. 0:06:10.200,0:06:13.260 A few years ago our research team found 0:06:13.260,0:06:15.956 that 30% of women in the United States 0:06:15.956,0:06:19.356 reported some degree of pain[br]when they had sex. 0:06:19.356,0:06:24.852 The editor of one of the most respected[br]newspapers in the country refused 0:06:24.852,0:06:27.430 to let her writer cover this story,[br]because, she said: 0:06:27.430,0:06:31.160 "If that was true, we would know[br]because women would be talking about this" 0:06:31.160,0:06:35.908 But, you know, women don't even talk much[br]about sex that feels good, 0:06:35.908,0:06:38.760 let alone, sex that feels painful. 0:06:38.760,0:06:41.684 So I think the way that we talk about sex, 0:06:41.684,0:06:45.824 and the way that we don't talk about sex[br]in this country is severely broken. 0:06:45.824,0:06:50.136 I also think that the way[br]we're expecting it to change is broken. 0:06:50.136,0:06:54.600 If we sit around waiting for politicians,[br]and school systems, 0:06:54.600,0:06:58.432 and parents to change this for us,[br]we're gonna be waiting for a long time, 0:06:58.434,0:07:02.610 because most of these people never got[br]much training in sexuality education, 0:07:02.610,0:07:05.640 or comfort in their homes themselves. 0:07:05.640,0:07:08.490 So my idea is a fairly simple one. 0:07:08.490,0:07:11.030 But it's gonna take [br]a commitment for a lot of us 0:07:11.030,0:07:14.980 to sort of put this into practice,[br]take a deep breath and do it civical, 0:07:14.980,0:07:18.220 which is just to make sex normal. 0:07:18.220,0:07:20.560 So concrete ways you can do this: 0:07:20.560,0:07:24.430 Openly read sex books.[br]Not on your digital devices. 0:07:24.430,0:07:27.312 On planes, on subways. 0:07:27.312,0:07:31.420 I've been doing this for years,[br]it's an amazing conversation starter. 0:07:31.420,0:07:32.544 (Laughter) 0:07:32.544,0:07:38.220 Get sex-positive books for kids[br]and donate them to schools and libraries. 0:07:38.220,0:07:42.380 Celebrate sexual diversity by going[br]to sex-positive art events, 0:07:42.380,0:07:45.144 walking in or hanging out[br]at Gay Pride parades, 0:07:45.144,0:07:47.530 going to marriage equality celebrations, 0:07:47.530,0:07:51.260 like the one that recently occurred[br]on this stage in Bloomington. 0:07:51.260,0:07:52.618 (Applause) 0:07:55.448,0:07:57.000 You can watch a movie. 0:07:57.000,0:08:00.688 A movie that shows realistic views of sex,[br]nuanced views of sex, 0:08:00.704,0:08:02.944 documentaries like Orgasm Inc. 0:08:02.944,0:08:07.212 Talk about sex with a doctor or a nurse,[br]with your kids, with your parents. 0:08:07.212,0:08:08.700 If you've got a partner, 0:08:08.700,0:08:13.556 start by saying something that you like[br]or miss about your sex life together. 0:08:13.556,0:08:15.064 Find a sex-positive video, 0:08:15.064,0:08:18.224 TED actually has several,[br]including this orgasm talk, 0:08:18.224,0:08:20.030 and post it on your Facebook wall. 0:08:20.030,0:08:23.120 I guarantee you, you'll get the likes[br]you've always wanted. 0:08:23.122,0:08:24.350 (Laughter) 0:08:25.370,0:08:27.360 You can also go more public. 0:08:27.360,0:08:29.648 A few years ago a colleague and I[br]were in Vegas, 0:08:29.648,0:08:32.950 and she dressed as a giant homemade vulva, 0:08:32.950,0:08:37.520 and I walked around with her[br]and interviewed women and men of all ages, 0:08:37.520,0:08:39.290 asking what they thought she was. 0:08:39.290,0:08:42.500 A few guessed Star Trek,[br]but a lot got it right. 0:08:42.500,0:08:43.490 (Laughter) 0:08:43.490,0:08:46.100 And I know this isn't for everybody, 0:08:46.100,0:08:48.793 but you can also just wear[br]sex-positive T-shirts. 0:08:48.793,0:08:50.423 These are some of the ones I have. 0:08:50.423,0:08:53.146 Wear them out, wear them to the gym[br]and the grocery store. 0:08:53.146,0:08:55.286 If you don't have something like that, 0:08:55.286,0:08:58.310 you can wear[br]an "ovary ova-achiever" button 0:08:58.310,0:09:00.440 or a "testicle having a ball" button. 0:09:00.440,0:09:04.260 They will be in the lobby at the end[br]of the day, that you can pick up. 0:09:04.260,0:09:06.704 I have gifts for all of you. 0:09:06.706,0:09:09.890 You can also get your doctors and nurses[br]to change the waiting room. 0:09:09.890,0:09:13.240 They often say that they're asked[br]sex questions that they can't answer, 0:09:13.240,0:09:14.876 or don't have the time to answer. 0:09:14.876,0:09:18.000 I say add some good quality[br]sex books to the waiting room. 0:09:18.000,0:09:22.186 Change the posters in the bathroom[br]away from botox and vein treatments, 0:09:22.186,0:09:26.430 to a "Grab Your Gonads"[br]testicular self-exam poster, 0:09:26.430,0:09:30.910 or a poster celebrating[br]the diversity of women's genitals. 0:09:30.910,0:09:32.282 Make space for sex. 0:09:32.282,0:09:35.976 Here I started the Bloomington Sex Salon[br]that brings sex researchers 0:09:35.976,0:09:38.976 into the community, into bars and cafes. 0:09:38.976,0:09:42.270 A local restaurant sometimes gets cheeky[br]with their menu items, 0:09:42.270,0:09:46.618 including the French Tickler.[br]That's from FARM. 0:09:46.618,0:09:52.876 Support the sex arts. From left to right,[br]is my Etsy-bought uterus-doll, 0:09:52.876,0:09:55.756 vulva lapel pins[br]from a local handmade market, 0:09:55.756,0:09:58.122 a clay vulva man that a student made, 0:09:58.122,0:10:03.240 and a sperm-shaped salt shaker[br]that I picked up in Argentina. 0:10:03.250,0:10:05.410 Put it on the Thanksgiving table. 0:10:05.410,0:10:08.596 And finally, embrace real sex and bodies. 0:10:08.596,0:10:13.696 Check out Cindy Gallop's "Make Love,[br]Not Porn" website and TED talk, 0:10:13.696,0:10:16.500 watch shows like Lena Dunham's Girls, 0:10:16.500,0:10:21.068 and check out makesexnormal.tumblr.com —[br]the new site launched this week 0:10:21.068,0:10:25.728 that encourages people to send in photos[br]showing what they do to make sex normal. 0:10:25.728,0:10:30.280 Now recently our research team[br]asked people what they like about sex. 0:10:30.280,0:10:31.260 A man said: 0:10:31.260,0:10:36.500 "It's a very pleasant habit we started 40[br]years ago. It makes the marriage better." 0:10:36.500,0:10:37.880 (Laughter) 0:10:37.880,0:10:42.090 A woman said "Feeling completely loved,[br]like I was the only person in the world 0:10:42.090,0:10:44.090 he wanted to be with." 0:10:44.090,0:10:48.330 Another woman said "Before my husband[br]passed he just made me feel good. 0:10:48.330,0:10:51.590 I miss the way he would make me feel." 0:10:51.590,0:10:56.002 And a man said "Makes you feel[br]like your life is worth a little bit." 0:10:56.002,0:10:59.906 So yeah, sex in all of its ups and downs,[br]and ebbs and flows, 0:10:59.906,0:11:02.250 and having it,[br]and not having it sometimes, 0:11:02.250,0:11:06.672 all of that is part of the normal[br]human experience of sexuality. 0:11:06.680,0:11:09.560 It is a normal part of life, 0:11:09.560,0:11:13.090 I just think we have to go out[br]and make it normal. 0:11:13.090,0:11:16.050 Now I have a professional stake[br]in this for sure, 0:11:16.050,0:11:17.880 because I believe[br]that if we make it normal, 0:11:17.880,0:11:20.086 if we help people to become[br]more comfortable, 0:11:20.086,0:11:23.390 that people will more easily report[br]sexual assaults and rapes, 0:11:23.390,0:11:26.440 they'll more easily talk about[br]STIs and STI-testing, 0:11:26.444,0:11:28.690 they'll more easily talk about love, 0:11:28.690,0:11:31.040 intimacy and connection[br]with their partners. 0:11:31.040,0:11:33.190 But I also have a personal stake in this. 0:11:33.190,0:11:35.480 And this is that, like many of you, 0:11:35.480,0:11:40.622 I know the sadness, and pain,[br]and frustration of relationship problems, 0:11:40.622,0:11:43.454 when two people can't talk about sex. 0:11:43.454,0:11:46.910 I also know the joys, and the intimacy,[br]and the pleasure 0:11:46.910,0:11:51.218 that comes with relationships,[br]when two people can talk about sex. 0:11:51.218,0:11:54.078 The other personal stake for me is that, 0:11:54.080,0:11:57.434 when I think of 13-year-old girls[br]riding bikes, 0:11:57.434,0:12:02.920 rather than thinking of them secretly[br]buying tampons, crossing busy streets, 0:12:02.920,0:12:04.208 disobeying their parents, 0:12:04.208,0:12:07.638 I wish for them a world,[br]in which they're riding their bikes 0:12:07.638,0:12:09.368 to a friend's house, 0:12:09.368,0:12:12.614 feeling the freedom that comes[br]with being young, and out on your own. 0:12:12.614,0:12:15.360 Because for them,[br]they will be living in a world 0:12:15.370,0:12:19.770 where sex, and bodies,[br]and periods and puberty are totally normal 0:12:19.770,0:12:23.074 because all of you and I made it normal. 0:12:23.074,0:12:24.110 Thank you. 0:12:24.110,0:12:25.830 (Applause)