[Upbeat strings]
[Retching]
- ♪ Thank you to the butterflies ♪
♪ in my stomach. I haven't ♪
♪ felt this nervous since I was a ♪
♪ little fluffy down nesting. My- ♪
♪ derring-do, ♪
♪ is half disguised ♪
♪ behind the smile, my beak is grinding ♪
♪ everminding I swore I wouldn't dwell on the divorce! ♪
♪ So for my own health, I remind myself- ♪
♪ that when I see him, ♪
♪ I know that it won’t feel so tough. ♪
♪ I’ll believe him, and not the voice that says I’m not enough! ♪
♪ No need for an arrangement, ♪
♪ it can just be him and me. I'll set us free. ♪
♪ How perfect it could be. ♪
♪ When I see him tonight! ♪
♪ See him tonight? ♪
♪ Alright alright! ♪
♪ It’s been a while since he's begged for attention. ♪
♪ Are we okay? ♪
♪ Heh, can’t really say. ♪
♪ I’m getting by, by avoiding his questions. ♪
♪ So complicated, I hate when it’s complicated! ♪
♪ Why do I always end up in situations that are complicated? ♪
♪ Here I go again getting in my head- ♪
♪ so I’ll focus on the sexy stuff instead. ♪
- ♪ When I see him! ♪ -
- ♪ When I see him! ♪ BLITZØ: ♪ When I see him I’m gonna- ♪
♪ do that thing he likes. ♪
- ♪ I will change things! ♪ -
- ♪ I will change things! ♪ BLITZØ: ♪ No need to change things, ♪
♪ I’ll just bring the rope and spikes. ♪
- [Spoken] Oh, gods!
- ♪ We’ve got a nice arrangement, ♪
♪ and it’s working out just fine. ♪
♪ We’ll keep it light- ♪
- ♪ I’ll fucking die alone if this goes bad- ♪
[Together] - ♪ When I see him tonight! ♪
- ♪ Am I doing something I can’t take back? ♪
- ♪ Relax! ♪
- ♪ Would he want me if he was free? ♪
- ♪ We’re fine! ♪
- ♪ And if he’s only here as a prisoner ♪
♪ what kind of monster does that make me? ♪
♪ My entire life’s been written in stone. ♪
- ♪ We’re gonna bone! ♪
- ♪ He taught me that I could choose! ♪
- ♪ It’s cool! ♪
- ♪ He deserves the choice to stay or go, ♪
♪ though it scares me to think what I'd lose! ♪
- ♪ Can’t wait to lose ourselves in ♪
♪ nasty sex, and make that bird squawk! ♪
- ♪ I really must confess... ♪ BLITZØ: ♪ We’ll just stick with ♪
♪ what makes sense, ♪
♪ like him sucking my- ♪
STOLAS: ♪ God! This is the worst, ♪
♪ waiting for the shoe to drop. ♪
- ♪ Who needs words when you’ve got a mouthful of- ♪
- ♪ Come to your senses! ♪ -
- ♪ Come to your senses! ♪ BLITZØ: Then I’ll do that thing
with my tongue where I- STOLAS: ♪ He’s worthy of your ♪
♪ love and trust! ♪
- ♪ I’ll eat his bird puss nice and rough! ♪
- ♪ Tonight cannot come soon ♪ -
- ♪ Tonight cannot come soon ♪ BLITZØ: ♪ He’ll be coming soon ♪
[Together] - ♪ Enough! ♪
- [Spoken] Oh yeah!
- ♪ But when I see him, ♪
♪ will it be tender, or be tough? ♪
♪ Will it please him, ♪
♪ or will I just be fucking it all up? ♪
♪ Can this be a relationship, ♪
♪ or am I still naive? ♪
♪ I’ll set us free. ♪
♪ Whatever it may be. ♪
♪ When I see him, ♪
[Spoken] tonight. ♪♪
[Wheels squeaking]
- My baby!
Someone save my baby!
[Tires squealing] [Cars honking]
- Sure hope this glass doesn’t break.
[Glass shattering] It broke!!!
[Baby crying]
- Oh thank you, thank you!
How could I ever repay you?
- No need ma’am. I was just in the right place at the right time.
[Wheels squeaking]
[Gasping]
- Didja have to hug him so hard?
I’m at underwear level you know.
And that guy clearly hadn’t showered today.
KEENIE: Oh stop complaining.
I had to sell it, didn’t I?
How’d we do Cletus?
- Not great. Lets setup for another run.
COLLIN: I don’t know Cletus,
doesn’t this all seem a little…
sinful?
- We’ve been over this!
We are still helping people!
We just provided that man
with an opportunity to be selfless and heroic.
- After that performance?!
He’s sure to get into Heaven! We just saved a soul!
- Is… that how it works?
- Don’t you think eternal salvation is worth
twenty bucks and a “Queeznos” punch card?
- I- I guess. It’s just…
- You wanna eat, don’t you?
Wanna live long enough to save more souls and earn our way back into Heaven?
COLLIN: Of course. I just-
- Well, then quiet your incessant whinging,
and get back under that coat!
We have- WA-OH!
Ohhhh.
[Electricity buzzing] [Keenie yelps]
CLETUS: What?
Where are we?
- We ask the questions here,
Hellspawn.
- But I’m just a wittle baby, why would you-
AGENT TWO: Drop the bullshit!
We know you’re working for that demon filth.
- Where’s your boss?
- What boss?
- This guy.
- You know that… peanut head?
- So that’s his name.
- You know, I think,
maybe we can help each other out here.
- Sharp shooting there Mox, pro as usual.
Millie, beautiful bloody mess in there. Mwah!
What a great fucking day this is!
[Blood dripping]
- You sure seem in good spirits today, sir.
It’s rare to see you wear something,
not bad.
- Well, it’s the, first of all fuck you, it’s the full moon.
I gotta meet up with Stolas tonight. Felt like dressing up a little
since it’s been a few months since I’ve been inside of his feathered ass.
- A few months?!
- Yeah, the bird started giving me
more ways out of our monthly fuck sesh.
He’d be all like-
[Imitating Stolas] Oh Blitzy,
I know it’s the full moon tonight,
but you don’t have to come if you don’t want to, Blitzy.
[Normal voice] So I've just been taking breaks from having to
plow his feathered ass into his fancy ass mattress.
- Eugh.
TMI, sir.
- Point being,
tonight I feel like I could use a little fuckery.
It’s been a good day, feeling like my stamina’s up.
And I’m horny.
- Oh shit. He’s getting bored of you.
- Whaaaat?
- Yeah, man.
If someone wants to see you less and less-
big red flag.
If they give you chances to ditch they probably want out themselves.
Just wanna be more passive aggressive about it.
Dicks.
- [Mocking Loona] Wanna be more passive aggressive-
[Normal voice] How do you know, Loona?
[Phone ringing]
LOONA: ‘Cause I do that aaaall the time.
[Phone beeping]
- Well tits.
Guess I finally gotta to do position 37 tonight.
Don’t worry, though, this book ain't going nowhere
if I have anything to fuck about it.
I’ll dick him so good he’ll let us keep this thing another year easy.
- Well I hope so, sir!
Business has actually hit a peak,
and it would be disastrous to lose what we worked for now.
So fuck him good, sir.
- Don’t worry Mox. By the end of the night I’ll have Stolas eating out of my ass.
If the gag’ll let him!
Ehhhh?! Ehhhh?!?!
[Blitzø laughing]
- Stooop.
[Continued laughing]
- Okay, grow up Mox.
It’s what adults do, we’re horny.
Mmfff-fuuuck me, Moxxie.
We’ve used like all the shit in this box!
I- If Stolas is bored after this I…
I need to up the ante.
Moxxie, I need you to hold down the fort, get some overdue paperwork done.
- What overdue paperwork?
- So why would a bunch of angels be looking for demons?
- We just wanna get back into He-
- [Interrupting] We’re exorcists!
The flaming swords of the Heavens,
here to strike them down with
fiiiiiiery vengeance!
- Ooh yeah! Yeah, yeah.
We lay in wait for them to return to earth,
so we might smite them once and for all! -
so we might smite them once and for all! COLLIN: What are you guys talking abou-
Oooow!!
- Maybe you don’t have to wait.
- Come with us.
[Spooky sci-fi music]
[Mechanical whirring]
AGENT ONE: Since their assault on Compound X,
our government has quadrupled our funding
and allowed us unfettered access to the most
bleeding edge military advancements.
AGENT TWO: Demonic containment cells.
Hellfire suppression suits.
Camouflage exoskeletons.
And a battalion of highly trained combat priests.
All so we could finally utilize…
this.
CLETUS: What is it?
- Our ticket...
To the other side.
AGENT ONE: An extra dimensional portal generator.
This bad boy will allow us to open a door straight into hell
where we plan on eliminating the demonic threat
before they can tarnish this great country.
Well, uh.
Once we work out all the kinks, yeah.
- Kinks?
- So far we’ve only been able to open the portal about two feet in diameter.
Hardly big enough to fit a child through.
- And we can’t very well send children.
Not after last time.
[Children screaming]
- Those god damn American heroes.
- Honestly we’re not even sure that was hell we sent them to.
Point is!
We could use someone,
or someones, with more experience.
How about it little guys?
[Agent One and Two together] - Wanna help us hunt some demon scum?
[Cletus and Keenie together] - Fuck yeah!!
[Cletus laughing]
[Sci-fi battle music]
[Explosion]
[Jetpack whizzing]
[Tracker device beeping]
- Welcome, little one!
What can I interest you in today?
- I’m looking for a snazzy candle.
One that screams “sexy.”
You got anything that’ll get anyone in the mood, buddy?
- Bitch, you’re in the Lust Ring!
Everything here has sexy energy.
But what kind of mood are you aiming for?
- Just… Horny?
Ho- reg- ve- very- very horny. Max horny.
- They’re all horny! What’s the mood?
- I don’t know!
I’m a simple pervert imp, I just need something fucky.
COLLIN: Oh, there he is!
KEENIE: Let’s take him!!
CLETUS: Hold on! Where’s the rest of them?
He wasn’t alone before!
I say we follow him for a bit; make sure he’s by himself.
- Cletus, if we don’t do this we’re never getting back into Heaven!
- Which is why we have to make sure this goes smoooothly!
We have only one shot!
It has to be perfect.
- Do you know the measurements of the other one?
- Eh, not really, but he’s tall as shit.
- Well, we have some pretty long harnesses.
Also can’t go wrong with something that stretches.
- Ooh that is fancy, alright, I’m into it.
- Sweet Heavens, what kind of store is this?
KEENIE: This guy truly is a SICKO!
SPIDER: Can I help you all?
[Keenie, Cletus, and Collin scream]
- Hello, fellow vile hellbeast.
We are on a tot-ally normal demon day.
Just out lookin’ to get some good tormenting in.
We need some good tooor…
[Gasps]
torture supplies.
- Well you have come to the right place
my slightly robotic looking friend. [Cletus gulps]
- What kind of torturing are we looking to do?
- Oh! You know. Just your standard… pain.
- As long as it doesn’t hurt too much.
Like-
Do you have any harshly worded bumper stickers?
- Uhhhhh.
- Or something for a mild spanking?
- Oh! That we have in spades!
We got your floggers, your crops, your whips, your whisks.
Studded, un-studded, wooden, leather, titanium, brimstone, what are you into?
[Lone bird call]
- I don’t know if that’s exactly what we’re lookin’ for.
What was that ooother horrid hellspawn lookin’ at?
- Oh, just some of those.
[Jetpacks whirring]
- Cletus, he’s clearly on his way to claim
another innocent earthly soul in some
sick barbaric fashion, we have to stop him!
- Not yet! We have to wait...
For our moment.
- Y'know, thanks for doing me this solid, Fizz.
I gotta get the good shit for tonight and
I know you and Ozz make the best toys in town.
- I got you buddy!
We have some new prototypes that I think will get the job done
for a fancy gentleman like yourself.
Now, we have got these new beads- oooh.
They’re made of real obsidian.
- Oh, its beautiful, but you know, Stolas never really seemed into the beaaads.
- Alrighty, not into the beads, I get it.
Fancier then!
We have some stylish blindfolds?
Our new collection has encrusted jewels.
- Oh shit, those are niiice.
- And if you’re feeling really frisky,
we have the new…
Dragon Driller 5000!
Now with vibration!
[Engine revving] [Fizz laughing]
- There we go! That’s his speed,
I will take that.
- Heavens, what is this place?
It’s so heavily guarded.
- A-armory? War room?
- Quiet!
Don’t you realize, stealth is our greaaatest advantage here?
PASSERBY: Oh darling look, voyeurs!
Positively adorable, darling.
COLLIN: I think he’s comin int-
OH GOD what’s that?!
- Deeeaarr gooood.
KEENIE: He’s gonna use THAT?
On an innocent PERSON?
We have to stop him NOW!
- You’re right!
Okay guys, it’s time.
Now’s our moment.
Remember everything that horny little fudge knuckle did to us because now…
we make him pay.
For the humans,
for the heavens,
and most of all, for us!
Let's go kick some ass!
LET’S FUCK 'EM UP!
[Heavy thud]
- What? How did you-
oh no!
- Find ‘ya?
We were already following our dumbass boss
to make sure he doesn’t fuck up and lose our meal ticket.
MOXXIE: And you weren’t exactly covert.
LOONA: Got a lotta nerve coming to our neighborhood after the
ass kicking you took last time.
- A lot of nerve,
and a lot of upgrades, mutt!
[Missile fire]
[Explosion]
CLETUS: The boss!
Get their boss!
LOONA: No you don’t, bitch!
[Gunfire]
- Hey, wake up asshole.
[Moxxie grunting]
[Loona growling]
[Gun cocks]
[Rapid gunfire]
[Millie grunts]
[Keenie grunts]
MILLIE: Sorry hun,
you can play as me,
but that don’t mean you’re anywhere close.
Ah!
[Metal scraping]
[Keenie and Millie grunting]
[Shrieking]
[Keenie growling]
- Mox!
[Gun cocks]
- Welcome to hell, bitch!
[Moxxie screams]
[Cletus groaning]
CLETUS: Wait- wait!
CLETUS: [distant] WHYYY GOD!
[Rapid gunfire]
[Keenie and Moxxie screaming]
[Explosion]
[Keenie and Moxxie screaming]
[Moxxie and Millie Moaning]
[Cletus groaning]
[Keenie shrieks]
[Cherubs all groaning in pain]
AGENT TWO: Soooo.
How’d it go?
[Bag jingling]
BLITZØ: Hidey-ha-hoo-ha, Stolas.
Guess what I got for us?
I got lots of funnnn shit for us to
play with tonight!
Like this extra large candle that smells like
[Sniffs]
horny!
I gooot...
I got, what- whatever, uhh, this…
lil' guy is.
But I’m sure there’s someplace in your cloaca we can stick it.
Aaand look at this bad boy!
[Engine revving, maniacal laughter]
- Do you- [clears throat]
Do you have my book, Blitz?
- Yeah, uh- [Engine stops] Yeah. Yeah I- I it's...
right here, I always bring it. Why do you…
STOLAS: I need it back.
Permanently.
- Now- n-now, ho- hold on Stolas, come on.
Is this because I’ve taken up skipping a few rounds with you in bed
because I’m busy?
That ain’t fair.
Alright, now I-I- I can still hold up my end of the bargain!
Alright? L-let me show you a good time tonight.
You know I caaan.
- Please don’t say it like that, Blitz. I-
- Come oooon, bitch!
You know I don’t disappoint.
- No no, no. No.
There’s no need.
I’ve made up my mind.
- Stolas, please, don- I-I need this book.
Please!
I need this book, Stolas.
I will do anything.
- This...
Is an Asmodean crystal.
It’s registered in your name.
- Aaa what?
- Asmodeus has his demons legally travel to earth for work all the time.
I made the case for you to own one.
You will be technically under his jurisdiction,
but you will be able to go anywhere you want in the human realm
without fear of consequence.
Without breaking demon law.
You no longer need my grimoire.
- Whaaat?
STOLAS: You…
no longer have any obligation to see me,
to touch me…
to bed me. You are-
you are free of me.
- I… don’t understand.
Why are you giving me this?
Am I not, like, fucking you good enough?
Because I- I can always, I can always do better.
- Blitz,
I’m giving you this because
I care...
Very deeply for you.
And I have for some time.
But this… transactional thing we have.
It’s not right anymore, it hasn’t been.
It never was.
And now,
all I can see is how wrong it is to be so
tethered to someone in such an unfair way,
and not know how they feel.
But, I want you to continue to…
be who you are.
Your business.
You don’t have to stay here with me.
But I want you to.
I want you to stay here with me…
because you want to.
Only if you want to.
- Oooh 'kay. Alright. You’re fucking with me!
This is an interesting roleplay, never done this one, but I can get into it.
Alright, how does this- okay.
Oh, Stolas!
I’ll stay with you, I love you sooo much! I-
- Thank you, Blitz.
For…
awakening me.
For making me…
so happy.
Even if only for a little while.
I wish you the best with your business.
- Wait, what?
You were serious?
Ho-oh. Hold on now Stolas. What the fuck?
- I have my answer, Blitz.
You needn’t say anything.
I have wanted you for so long.
The fact that you couldn't believe that I might have these feelings about you,
that your first instinct is that it’s always…
about sex.
That’s enough to know what this is.
- What?!
Fuck you, Stolas!
You spring this feelings bullshit on me, are you
FUCKING KIDDING?!
Can I get a
FUCKING minute to think after everything
you put me through you
POMPUS,
RICH
[Voice echoing] ASSHOLE!
Treat me like one of your little butler imps!
You can’t just dismiss me like that!
I mean you royal fucks think you can do this every time.
Like you can just play with our feelings because we’re smaller and not as important!
Well I’m not letting you, bitch!
[Voice echoing] LET’S GO!
- Blitz,
I think so very highly of you.
[Crying] I didn’t realize you think so low of me.
[Sniffles]
Goodbye, Blitz.
- Stolas, wait! I’m s-
What...
the…
FUUUUCK!!