[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.28,0:00:08.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Six years ago I took a presentation skills class. Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.82,0:00:11.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a four-day intensive workshop Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.81,0:00:15.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which I was videoed practically constantly, Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.25,0:00:19.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I learned the ABC's of presentations. It was: Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.63,0:00:25.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A for authenticity, B for believability and C for clarity. Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.65,0:00:30.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, when it came time for me to be evaluated on presentations, Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.41,0:00:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the workshop participants told me Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.36,0:00:37.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when it came to clarity, I was great. Yay. Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.70,0:00:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When it came to B for believability, I was good Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.03,0:00:47.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when it came to A for authenticity, I sucked. Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.88,0:00:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were basically telling me that I sucked at being me. Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.20,0:00:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.16,0:00:57.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And initially I thought to myself: Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.70,0:01:00.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How do you know? You don't even know me!" Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.66,0:01:05.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I watched the same videos that they watched Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.28,0:01:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I saw they were right. Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.75,0:01:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, that's a big deal for me, I'm a CEO coach, Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.66,0:01:17.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of the things I do is I help CEOs become better leaders Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.05,0:01:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and authenticity is a pretty important leadership trait Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.84,0:01:23.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I'm not showing up as authentic Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.55,0:01:29.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not really showing up as very credible doing what I do. Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.01,0:01:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, as painful as that experience was, Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.94,0:01:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it made me realize that Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.20,0:01:39.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to learn a new way of being. Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.17,0:01:42.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it gave me my first step in the process Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.21,0:01:45.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is getting feedback on blindspots. Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.25,0:01:48.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, believe it or not, when I got this feedback Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.14,0:01:50.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was showing up as not authentic Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.93,0:01:55.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't know. I had not idea, I wasn't conscious of it. Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.78,0:02:01.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then they shone a light on this being I had Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.23,0:02:03.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that wasn't working for me Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.92,0:02:09.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my life hasn't been the same since, it was a gift. Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.08,0:02:14.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I want to say a word about accepting feedback. Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.19,0:02:18.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If someone takes the time and trouble to give you feedback, Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.29,0:02:20.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just take it. Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.41,0:02:23.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunately, my experience is that Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.73,0:02:27.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people have one of four reactions to feedback Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.96,0:02:31.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I call the four Ds. Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.19,0:02:37.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Defensiveness, denial, discounting and drama. Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.25,0:02:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay? (Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.96,0:02:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, defensiveness looks like: Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.32,0:02:46.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No, you just don't understand, you don't get me." Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.47,0:02:47.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Denial looks like: Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.86,0:02:52.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\N"No, you are wrong - and it's about you." Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.14,0:02:54.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And discounting sounds like:\N Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.03,0:02:56.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know, it's just - it, you know, what's the big deal?" Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.90,0:03:02.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And drama well, we all know what drama looks like. Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.56,0:03:04.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, once I had a taste of feedback Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.59,0:03:06.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized I wanted more, Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.40,0:03:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I had one way of being that wasn't serving me, Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.72,0:03:11.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I probably had more than one. Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.35,0:03:14.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I took this assessment called the EQ profile, Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.31,0:03:17.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one of the things the EQ profile does is Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.36,0:03:21.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it looks at your and assesses your positive-negative orientation. Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.93,0:03:23.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's another way of thinking about Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.45,0:03:26.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how optimistic or pessimistic you are. Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.49,0:03:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, it's a bit like this image. Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.47,0:03:30.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of your will see two faces,\N Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.50,0:03:31.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some of you will see the candlestick, Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.91,0:03:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're all looking at the same image - Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.03,0:03:36.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\Nit's just how you see it. Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.05,0:03:38.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, what I learned when I took this assessment, Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.59,0:03:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is I see risk where others see opportunity. Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.44,0:03:46.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, again - that's a problem for me. Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.50,0:03:49.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I work with entrepreneurs who eat risk for breakfast. Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.81,0:03:51.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.15,0:03:53.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if I'm seeing risk where they're seeing opportunity, Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.46,0:03:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not going to be able to help them very much. Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.99,0:03:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, this is how it shows up for me: Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.62,0:04:00.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I run CEO round tables, Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.59,0:04:03.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a CEO came to the round table one day Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.41,0:04:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he wanted to use the group to explore Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.62,0:04:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,possibilities around a new business. Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.92,0:04:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He explained the new business, Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.58,0:04:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he got all kinds of great feedback from the people\Nin the group. Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.07,0:04:17.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They told him: Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.30,0:04:19.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, you just need to get your metrics down, Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.37,0:04:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,use the metrics to create a case study,\N Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.64,0:04:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,use the case study to get VC money Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.58,0:04:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and scale this thing and sell it to Facebook. Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.66,0:04:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all I could think of was: "Don't quit your day job." Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.39,0:04:33.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.90,0:04:36.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And again, I realized that, that was my pattern. Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.88,0:04:39.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was me doing that thing I do Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.62,0:04:43.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is seeing risk where others saw possibility Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.14,0:04:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it didn't make me right. Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.86,0:04:47.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was just my pattern. Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.51,0:04:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was seeing this entrepreneur Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.98,0:04:54.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fall into this great crevasse versus land on a candlestick. Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.81,0:04:57.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it brought me to the second step Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.28,0:04:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in learning a new way of being Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.99,0:05:04.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is noticing how we are being in that moment Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.03,0:05:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we are acting in that unconscious way. Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.56,0:05:11.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I call this engaging my observer self Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.12,0:05:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or looking over my own shoulder. Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.84,0:05:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there's a very important reason Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.64,0:05:22.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why we tend not to accept feedback Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.19,0:05:25.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why we tend not to notice how we are being. Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.90,0:05:30.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's because of the erroneous belief that we are right, Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.92,0:05:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or at least that everyone else is wrong. Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.90,0:05:37.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kathryn Schulz has written a book called "Being Wrong" Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.31,0:05:40.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she's got a great TEDTalk on the same topic Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.67,0:05:43.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what she has found as she has researched people Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.87,0:05:46.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are wrong and think they are right, Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.28,0:05:50.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that they make -- Am I holding the right fingers? Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.48,0:05:53.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they make three unfortunate assumptions. Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.48,0:05:55.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunate assumption number one is:\N Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.37,0:05:59.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Everyone else is just ignorant." Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.08,0:06:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Assumption number two is: Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.06,0:06:05.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\N"Everyone else is just kind of an idiot, they're stupid." Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.04,0:06:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And assumption number three is that Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.34,0:06:12.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everyone else is just evil, they're trying to hurt me. Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.12,0:06:16.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, my experience with people who receive feedback Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.61,0:06:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that they make those same assumptions Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.40,0:06:24.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the people who give them feedback. Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.74,0:06:31.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A professor from University of Chicago, my alma mater, Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.02,0:06:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,did a study on feedback in the workplace, Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.28,0:06:39.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they found that we're actually remarkably poor predictors Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.15,0:06:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of how people see us, and here is why: Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.60,0:06:46.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We experience our life like a movie in which we know Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.46,0:06:51.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the history and the feelings and the characters, everything. Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.19,0:06:55.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And other people experience us like a snapshot, right, Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.54,0:06:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a series of snapshots, Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.86,0:07:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they make up stories in between, okay? Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.19,0:07:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, this explains two really important things: Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.33,0:07:06.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, one explains why we are Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.19,0:07:09.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,such poor predictors of how people see us. Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.54,0:07:13.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it explains why we think we're right, right? Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.60,0:07:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because we have all this history, Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.99,0:07:20.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but what is happening really is that Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.23,0:07:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're behaving in a way today Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.82,0:07:28.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's based on something back here in our past. Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.07,0:07:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the way we're behaving today no longer fits, Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.84,0:07:34.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people around us can see that Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.61,0:07:36.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we cannot. Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.86,0:07:41.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that brings me to the third step Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.40,0:07:44.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in finding a new way of being. Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.86,0:07:48.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that is to make a conscious choice in the moment Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.79,0:07:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be different. Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.75,0:07:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have ways of being that don't get us what we want, Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.74,0:07:58.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's being controlling, or being judgemental, Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.97,0:08:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or being judging, or being worrying. Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.30,0:08:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all have those ways Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.65,0:08:11.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm not saying that this is easy to be different, Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.59,0:08:14.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get the feedback, and accept it, Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.01,0:08:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to notice, and to make a different choice. Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.90,0:08:20.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not easy. It's not easy for me to be authentic. Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.28,0:08:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not easy for me to be positive. Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.38,0:08:25.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not easy for me to be warm. Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.41,0:08:27.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've also got feedback that I'm not warm. Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.23,0:08:28.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.66,0:08:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, if I can realize that Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.79,0:08:35.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order for me to fulfill my purpose, Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.62,0:08:38.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to make lots of leaders' lives better, Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.55,0:08:40.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I can turn those things on Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.89,0:08:44.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and act in a way that gets me what I want. Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.78,0:08:49.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe that we all have a purpose in life, Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.84,0:08:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that we have ways of getting in our way Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.44,0:08:57.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the full expression of that purpose. Right? Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.37,0:09:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we can just get feedback Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.94,0:09:07.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on how we're getting in our own way, Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.25,0:09:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we can embrace and accept that feedback Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.22,0:09:15.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then notice how we're being in the moment Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.09,0:09:19.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we can make a conscious choice to be different. Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.47,0:09:23.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I invite you to take a look at your life, Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.60,0:09:25.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,see how you're getting in your own way Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.85,0:09:28.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and learn a new way of being Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.33,0:09:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that gets you more of what you want. Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.72,0:09:32.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank You. Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.11,0:09:33.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)