WEBVTT

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So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,

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the word "love" probably comes to mind,

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and instantly other emotions rush in:

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joy and hope,

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excitement, trust and security,

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and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.

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There might not be
a word in the dictionary

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that more of us
are connected to than love.

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Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,

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isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?

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We build friendships,

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navigate early romantic relationships,

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get married and bring babies
home from the hospital

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with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.

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But the truth is, we often harm
and disrespect the ones we love.

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It can be subtle things
like guilting a friend

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into spending time with you

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or sneaking a peak
at your partner's texts

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or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.

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100 percent of us will be
on the receiving end

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of unhealthy relationship behaviors,

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and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.

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It's part of being human.

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In its worst form, the harm
we inflict on loved ones

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shows up as abuse and violence,

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and relationship abuse

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is something that one in three women
and one in four men

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will experience in their lifetime.

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Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,

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you'll go, oh, no no no,
that would never happen to me.

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It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

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to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.

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But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.

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We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.

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Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.

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I work for an organization called One Love

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started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

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This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

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but when they looked back,

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they realized the warning signs were there

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just no one understood
what they were seeing.

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Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,

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his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,

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which was clear signs of danger.

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Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,

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her death could have been prevented.

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So today we're on a mission
to make sure that others

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have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

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We have three main goals:

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give all of us a language
for talking about a subject

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that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;

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empower a whole frontline,
namely friends, to help;

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and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.

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To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating

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the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,

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and our work really focuses
on creating content

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to start conversations with young people.

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As you'd expect, most of our content is
pretty serious, given the subject at hand,

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but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted

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yet still thought-provoking pieces,

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the Couplets,

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to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.

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The first is intensity.

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(Video) Blue: I haven't
seen you in a couple days.

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I've missed you.

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Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.
(#thatslove)

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Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.

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What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?

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Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)

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Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.

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Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.

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They start out exciting and exhilarating.

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There's an intensity
of affection and emotion,

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a rush.

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It feels really good.

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You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.

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But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time

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from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.

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You feel it in your gut.

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Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend

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says I love you faster
than you were ready for

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or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.

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Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,

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even though they know
you had other things going on that day.

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It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,

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it's how it evolves.

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It's important in the early days
of a new relationship

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to pay attention to how you're feeling.

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Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?

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Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?

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It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice

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to talk about your own needs.

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Are your requests respected?

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A second marker is isolation.

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(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

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Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

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Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove)

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Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

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Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

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Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

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Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.

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(#thatsnotlove)

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KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed

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and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

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Why?

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Well, because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire

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to spend time together,

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it's easy to miss when something shifts.

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Isolation creeps in when
your new boyfriend or girlfriend

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starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,

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your support system,

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and tethering you more tightly to them.

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They might say things like,

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"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"

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about your best friends,

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or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"

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about your family.

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Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

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about everyone from
your pre-relationship life.

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Healthy love includes independence,

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two people who love spending time together

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but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.

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While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,

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over time maintaining independence is key.

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You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them

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and encouraging your partner
to do the same.

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A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.

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(Video) Blue 2: What are you
so happy about?

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Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!

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(#thatslove)

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Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

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Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.

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(#thatsnotlove)

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KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,

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extreme jealousy can creep in.

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Your partner might become more demanding,

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needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,

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or they might start following you
everywhere online and off.

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Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,

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frequent accusations of flirting
with other people or cheating,

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and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them

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they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.

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Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,

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but extreme jealousy is different.

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There's a threatening, desperate,
and angry edge to it.

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Love shouldn't feel like this.

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A fourth marker is belittling.

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(Video) Blue 1: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.

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Blue 1: You'll get an A anyway,

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A for amazing. (#thatslove)

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Blue 1: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.

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Blue 1: You'll get an F anyway,

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F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

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KH: Yeah, hmm.

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In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.

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Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted

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turn mean and embarrassing.

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Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,

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or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.

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When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,

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they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.

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"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."

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You are silenced by these words.

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It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.

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Their words should build you up,
not break you down.

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They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.

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They should make you feel more confident,

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not less.

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Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

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(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad
if we broke up.

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Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

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Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.

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I'd throw myself off this step.

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I would! Don't try to stop me!

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(thatsnotlove)

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KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,

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high highs and low lows:

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as tension rises, so does volatility.

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Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,

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hateful and hurtful comments
like, "You're worthless,

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I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

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followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.

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By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship rollercoaster

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that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous

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your relationship has become.

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It can be really hard to see
when unhealthy love

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turns towards abuse,

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but it's fair to say that
the more of these markers

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your relationship might have,

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the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.

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And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,

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which is advice so many of us
give our friends

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when they're in unhealthy relationships,

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that's not always the best advice.

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Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.

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If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,

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you need to consult with experts

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to get the advice on how to leave safely.

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But it's not just about
romantic relationships,

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and it's not just about violence.

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Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

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can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.

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For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship

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or why every interaction
with a certain family member

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leaves you discouraged and anxious.

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You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy

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is causing problems
with colleagues at work.

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Understanding is
the first step to improving,

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and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --

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some you're going
to have to leave behind --

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you can do your part every day

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to do relationships better.

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And here's the exciting news:

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it's actually not rocket science.

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Open communication, mutual respect,

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kindness, patience,

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we can practice these things every day.

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And while practice
will definitely make you better,

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I have to promise you it's also
not going to make you perfect.

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I do this for a living,

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and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,

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and still I do unhealthy things.

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Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door

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amidst quarreling, squabbling,
and complaints about breakfast,

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I completely lost it.

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With an intentionally angry edge,

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I screamed,

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"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

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You are the worst!

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I am going to take away
screen time and dessert

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and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"

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(Laughter)

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Anybody been there?

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(Applause)

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Volatility, belittling.

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My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,

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"Mom, that's not love."

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(Laughter)

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For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.

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Trust me.

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But then I gathered myself,

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and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.

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I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.

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I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be

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for how they're treated

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and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met

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versus just accepting it.

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For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,

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when relationship skills
are one of the most important

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and hard to build things in life.

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Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

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help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,

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but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy

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can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.

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I'm completely convinced

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that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,

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the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build

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and improve on over time.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)