0:00:00.933,0:00:05.487
So when you think about a child,[br]a close friend, or a romantic partner,

0:00:05.487,0:00:08.251
the word "love" probably comes to mind,

0:00:08.251,0:00:11.594
and instantly other emotions rush in:

0:00:11.594,0:00:13.050
joy and hope,

0:00:13.050,0:00:16.641
excitement, trust and security,

0:00:16.641,0:00:19.264
and yes, sometimes[br]sadness and disappointment.

0:00:19.932,0:00:21.777
There might not be[br]a word in the dictionary

0:00:21.777,0:00:24.874
that more of us[br]are connected to than love.

0:00:24.874,0:00:28.149
Yet, given its central[br]importance in our lives,

0:00:28.149,0:00:32.383
isn't it interesting that we're never[br]explicitly taught how to love?

0:00:32.681,0:00:34.390
We build friendships,

0:00:34.390,0:00:36.895
navigate early romantic relationships,

0:00:36.895,0:00:39.231
get married and bring babies[br]home from the hospital

0:00:39.231,0:00:41.464
with the expectation[br]that we'll figure it out.

0:00:42.482,0:00:46.823
But the truth is, we often harm[br]and disrespect the ones we love.

0:00:46.823,0:00:49.355
It can be subtle things[br]like guilting a friend

0:00:49.355,0:00:51.004
into spending time with you

0:00:51.004,0:00:54.232
or sneaking a peak[br]at your partner's texts

0:00:54.232,0:00:57.146
or shaming a child[br]for their lack of effort at school.

0:00:58.245,0:01:02.820
100 percent of us will be[br]on the receiving end

0:01:02.820,0:01:03.280
of unhealthy relationship behaviors,

0:01:03.280,0:01:06.131
and 100 percent of us[br]will do unhealthy things.

0:01:06.131,0:01:08.519
It's part of being human.

0:01:08.519,0:01:13.650
In its worst form, the harm[br]we inflict on loved ones

0:01:13.650,0:01:14.799
shows up as abuse and violence,

0:01:14.799,0:01:15.459
and relationship abuse

0:01:15.459,0:01:18.318
is something that one in three women[br]and one in four men

0:01:18.318,0:01:20.836
will experience in their lifetime.

0:01:20.836,0:01:23.254
Now, if you're like most people,[br]when you hear those stats,

0:01:23.254,0:01:26.488
you'll go, oh, no no no,[br]that would never happen to me.

0:01:26.488,0:01:29.960
It's instinctual to move away[br]from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

0:01:29.960,0:01:32.158
to think that they happen[br]to someone else somewhere else.

0:01:32.158,0:01:38.258
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships[br]and abuse are all around us.

0:01:38.258,0:01:42.345
We just call them different things[br]and ignore the connection.

0:01:42.345,0:01:45.275
Abuse sneaks up on us[br]disguised in unhealthy love.

0:01:47.935,0:01:50.386
I work for an organization called One Love

0:01:50.386,0:01:54.301
started by a family whose daughter[br]Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

0:01:55.006,0:01:58.089
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

0:01:58.089,0:01:59.758
but when they looked back,

0:01:59.758,0:02:01.389
they realized the warning signs were there

0:02:01.389,0:02:03.865
just no one understood[br]what they were seeing.

0:02:03.865,0:02:07.824
Called crazy or drama[br]or too much drinking,

0:02:07.824,0:02:11.292
his actions weren't understood[br]to be what they really were,

0:02:11.292,0:02:13.755
which was clear signs of danger.

0:02:14.133,0:02:17.957
Her family realized that if anyone[br]had been educated about these signs,

0:02:17.957,0:02:20.158
her death could have been prevented.

0:02:20.842,0:02:24.587
So today we're on a mission[br]to make sure that others

0:02:24.587,0:02:26.187
have the information[br]that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

0:02:26.187,0:02:27.930
We have three main goals:

0:02:27.930,0:02:30.586
give all of us a language[br]for talking about a subject

0:02:30.586,0:02:34.667
that's quite awkward[br]and uncomfortable to discuss;

0:02:34.667,0:02:39.479
empower a whole frontline,[br]namely friends, to help;

0:02:39.479,0:02:43.885
and, in the process, improve[br]all of our ability to love better.

0:02:44.135,0:02:47.716
To do this, it's always important[br]to start by illuminating

0:02:47.716,0:02:50.070
the unhealthy signs[br]that we frequently miss,

0:02:50.070,0:02:53.859
and our work really focuses[br]on creating content

0:02:53.859,0:02:55.611
to start conversations with young people.

0:02:55.611,0:03:00.180
As you'd expect, most of our content is[br]pretty serious, given the subject at hand,

0:03:00.180,0:03:02.528
but today I'm going to use[br]one of our more light-hearted

0:03:02.528,0:03:04.951
yet still thought-provoking pieces,

0:03:04.951,0:03:05.998
the Couplets,

0:03:05.998,0:03:09.866
to illuminate five markers[br]of unhealthy love.

0:03:09.866,0:03:12.340
The first is intensity.

0:03:12.739,0:03:14.363
(Video) Blue: I haven't[br]seen you in a couple days.

0:03:14.363,0:03:15.263
I've missed you.

0:03:15.263,0:03:17.766
Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.[br](#thatslove)

0:03:17.766,0:03:20.762
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.[br]It feels like a lifetime.

0:03:20.762,0:03:23.260
What have you been doing[br]without me for five whole minutes?

0:03:23.260,0:03:26.279
Orange: It's been three minutes.[br](#thatsnotlove)

0:03:26.279,0:03:28.867
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?[br]I don't know. I do.

0:03:28.867,0:03:32.287
Abusive relationships[br]don't start out abusive.

0:03:32.287,0:03:34.560
They start out exciting and exhilarating.

0:03:34.560,0:03:37.816
There's an intensity[br]of affection and emotion,

0:03:37.816,0:03:40.116
a rush.

0:03:40.116,0:03:40.688
It feels really good.

0:03:40.688,0:03:42.997
You feel so lucky,[br]like you've hit the jackpot.

0:03:42.997,0:03:46.231
But in unhealthy love,[br]these feelings shift over time

0:03:46.231,0:03:51.237
from exciting to overwhelming[br]and maybe a little bit suffocating.

0:03:51.237,0:03:52.926
You feel it in your gut.

0:03:52.926,0:03:55.009
Maybe it's when your[br]new boyfriend or girlfriend

0:03:55.009,0:03:57.472
says I love you faster[br]than you were ready for

0:03:57.472,0:04:01.972
or starts showing up everywhere,[br]texting and calling a lot.

0:04:01.972,0:04:03.306
Maybe they're impatient[br]when you're slow to respond,

0:04:03.306,0:04:08.823
even though they know[br]you had other things going on that day.

0:04:08.823,0:04:12.652
It's important to remember that it's not[br]how a relationship starts that matters,

0:04:12.652,0:04:14.355
it's how it evolves.

0:04:14.355,0:04:16.340
It's important in the early days[br]of a new relationship

0:04:16.340,0:04:18.873
to pay attention to how you're feeling.

0:04:18.873,0:04:21.438
Are you comfortable[br]with the pace of intimacy?

0:04:21.438,0:04:25.067
Do you feel like you have space[br]and room to breathe?

0:04:25.067,0:04:28.863
It's also really important[br]to start practicing using your voice

0:04:28.863,0:04:30.624
to talk about your own needs.

0:04:30.624,0:04:34.029
Are your requests respected?

0:04:34.029,0:04:36.821
A second marker is isolation.

0:04:37.624,0:04:38.792
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

0:04:38.792,0:04:40.653
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday.

0:04:40.653,0:04:42.452
Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove)

0:04:42.452,0:04:43.847
Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

0:04:43.847,0:04:45.837
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday.

0:04:45.837,0:04:47.667
Orange 2: Tomorrow?[br]Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

0:04:47.667,0:04:50.543
Orange 2: Wednesday?[br]Orange 1: No Friends Day.

0:04:50.543,0:04:52.681
(#thatsnotlove)

0:04:52.681,0:04:55.871
KH: If you ask me, isolation[br]is one of the most frequently missed

0:04:55.871,0:04:58.460
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

0:04:58.460,0:04:59.409
Why?

0:04:59.409,0:05:02.683
Well, because every new relationship[br]starts out with this intense desire

0:05:02.683,0:05:04.209
to spend time together,

0:05:04.209,0:05:07.333
it's easy to miss when something shifts.

0:05:07.333,0:05:09.868
Isolation creeps in when[br]your new boyfriend or girlfriend

0:05:09.868,0:05:12.647
starts pulling you away[br]from your friends and family,

0:05:12.647,0:05:14.502
your support system,

0:05:14.502,0:05:17.595
and tethering you more tightly to them.

0:05:17.595,0:05:19.927
They might say things like,

0:05:19.927,0:05:21.254
"Why do you hang out with them?[br]They're such losers"

0:05:21.254,0:05:22.460
about your best friends,

0:05:22.460,0:05:25.819
or, "They want us to break up.[br]They're totally against us"

0:05:25.819,0:05:27.582
about your family.

0:05:27.582,0:05:29.969
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

0:05:29.969,0:05:33.795
about everyone from[br]your pre-relationship life.

0:05:34.346,0:05:36.466
Healthy love includes independence,

0:05:36.466,0:05:38.854
two people who love spending time together

0:05:38.854,0:05:42.639
but who stay connected to the people[br]and activities they cared about before.

0:05:42.974,0:05:45.966
While at first you might spend[br]every waking minute together,

0:05:45.966,0:05:48.963
over time maintaining independence is key.

0:05:49.235,0:05:52.124
You do this by making plans with friends[br]and sticking to them

0:05:52.124,0:05:54.212
and encouraging your partner[br]to do the same.

0:05:56.060,0:05:59.795
A third marker of unhealthy love[br]is extreme jealousy.

0:05:59.986,0:06:01.188
(Video) Blue 2: What are you[br]so happy about?

0:06:01.188,0:06:03.472
Blue 1: She just started[br]following me on Instagram!

0:06:03.472,0:06:05.002
(#thatslove)

0:06:05.002,0:06:06.604
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

0:06:06.604,0:06:10.952
Blue 1: She, she just started[br]following me, like, everywhere.

0:06:10.952,0:06:12.886
(#thatsnotlove)

0:06:13.990,0:06:16.585
KH: As the honeymoon period[br]begins to fade,

0:06:16.585,0:06:19.141
extreme jealousy can creep in.

0:06:19.552,0:06:21.268
Your partner might become more demanding,

0:06:21.268,0:06:22.841
needing to know where you are[br]and who you're with all the time,

0:06:22.841,0:06:27.296
or they might start following you[br]everywhere online and off.

0:06:27.614,0:06:31.842
Extreme jealousy also brings with it[br]possessiveness and mistrust,

0:06:31.842,0:06:35.436
frequent accusations of flirting[br]with other people or cheating,

0:06:35.436,0:06:38.240
and refusal to listen to you[br]when you tell them

0:06:38.240,0:06:41.319
they have nothing to worry about[br]and that you only love them.

0:06:41.319,0:06:44.112
Jealousy is a part[br]of any human relationship,

0:06:44.112,0:06:46.282
but extreme jealousy is different.

0:06:46.282,0:06:48.744
There's a threatening, desperate,[br]and angry edge to it.

0:06:49.059,0:06:51.256
Love shouldn't feel like this.

0:06:52.518,0:06:55.178
A fourth marker is belittling.

0:06:55.178,0:06:57.494
(Video) Blue 1: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study.

0:06:57.494,0:06:58.738
Blue 1: You'll get an A anyway,

0:06:58.738,0:07:00.868
A for amazing. (#thatslove)

0:07:00.868,0:07:03.306
Blue 1: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study.

0:07:03.306,0:07:04.712
Blue 1: You'll get an F anyway,

0:07:04.712,0:07:08.940
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

0:07:08.940,0:07:10.648
KH: Yeah, hmm.

0:07:10.648,0:07:13.005
In unhealthy love,[br]words are used as weapons.

0:07:13.005,0:07:15.388
Conversations that used to be[br]fun and lighthearted

0:07:15.388,0:07:17.280
turn mean and embarrassing.

0:07:17.484,0:07:20.435
Maybe your partner makes fun of you[br]in a way that hurts,

0:07:20.435,0:07:24.101
or maybe they tell stories and jokes[br]for laughs at your expense.

0:07:24.298,0:07:26.767
When you try to explain[br]that your feelings have been hurt,

0:07:26.767,0:07:30.247
they shut you down[br]and accuse you of overreacting.

0:07:30.247,0:07:33.620
"Why are you so sensitive?[br]What's your problem. Give me a break."

0:07:34.636,0:07:37.624
You are silenced by these words.

0:07:37.624,0:07:41.031
It seems pretty obvious,[br]but your partner should have your back.

0:07:41.031,0:07:43.555
Their words should build you up,[br]not break you down.

0:07:43.555,0:07:46.215
They should keep[br]your secrets and be loyal.

0:07:46.215,0:07:48.210
They should make you feel more confident,

0:07:48.210,0:07:49.979
not less.

0:07:50.356,0:07:53.396
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

0:07:53.396,0:07:55.489
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad[br]if we broke up.

0:07:55.489,0:07:58.385
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

0:07:58.385,0:08:01.455
Orange 1: I'd so depressed[br]if we ever broke up.

0:08:01.455,0:08:03.127
I'd throw myself off this step.

0:08:03.127,0:08:05.991
I would! Don't try to stop me!

0:08:05.991,0:08:07.560
(thatsnotlove)

0:08:07.560,0:08:09.175
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,

0:08:09.175,0:08:12.919
high highs and low lows:

0:08:12.919,0:08:16.113
as tension rises, so does volatility.

0:08:16.113,0:08:20.207
Tearful, frustrated fights[br]followed by emotional makeups,

0:08:20.207,0:08:22.928
hateful and hurtful comments[br]like, "You're worthless,

0:08:22.928,0:08:24.605
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

0:08:24.605,0:08:28.530
followed quickly by apologies[br]and promises it will never happen again.

0:08:29.419,0:08:33.132
By this point, you've been so conditioned[br]to this relationship rollercoaster

0:08:33.132,0:08:36.315
that you may not realize how unhealthy[br]and maybe even dangerous

0:08:36.315,0:08:39.757
your relationship has become.

0:08:39.757,0:08:42.316
It can be really hard to see[br]when unhealthy love

0:08:42.316,0:08:44.209
turns towards abuse,

0:08:44.209,0:08:45.977
but it's fair to say that[br]the more of these markers

0:08:45.977,0:08:48.161
your relationship might have,

0:08:48.161,0:08:51.734
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous[br]your relationship could be.

0:08:51.734,0:08:53.737
And if your instinct is[br]to break up and leave,

0:08:53.737,0:08:55.788
which is advice so many of us[br]give our friends

0:08:55.788,0:08:57.640
when they're in unhealthy relationships,

0:08:57.640,0:08:59.953
that's not always the best advice.

0:08:59.953,0:09:02.670
Time of breakup can be[br]a real trigger for violence.

0:09:02.670,0:09:05.674
If you fear you might be[br]headed towards abuse or in abuse,

0:09:05.674,0:09:07.535
you need to consult with experts

0:09:07.535,0:09:09.952
to get the advice on how to leave safely.

0:09:10.900,0:09:13.567
But it's not just about[br]romantic relationships,

0:09:13.567,0:09:16.175
and it's not just about violence.

0:09:16.175,0:09:18.211
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

0:09:18.211,0:09:22.202
can help you audit and understand[br]nearly every relationship in your life.

0:09:22.827,0:09:26.732
For the first time, you might understand[br]why you're disappointed in a friendship

0:09:26.732,0:09:29.882
or why every interaction[br]with a certain family member

0:09:29.882,0:09:32.600
leaves you discouraged and anxious.

0:09:32.852,0:09:36.201
You might even begin to see[br]how your own intensity and jealousy

0:09:36.201,0:09:39.134
is causing problems[br]with colleagues at work.

0:09:39.450,0:09:42.649
Understanding is[br]the first step to improving,

0:09:42.649,0:09:45.774
and while you can't make[br]every unhealthy relationship healthy --

0:09:45.774,0:09:47.855
some you're going[br]to have to leave behind --

0:09:47.855,0:09:50.172
you can do your part every day

0:09:50.172,0:09:52.473
to do relationships better.

0:09:52.666,0:09:54.216
And here's the exciting news:

0:09:54.216,0:09:56.320
it's actually not rocket science.

0:09:56.320,0:09:59.279
Open communication, mutual respect,

0:09:59.279,0:10:01.479
kindness, patience,

0:10:01.479,0:10:04.172
we can practice these things every day.

0:10:05.150,0:10:07.838
And while practice[br]will definitely make you better,

0:10:07.838,0:10:11.706
I have to promise you it's also[br]not going to make you perfect.

0:10:11.706,0:10:12.512
I do this for a living,

0:10:12.512,0:10:15.708
and every day I think and talk[br]about healthy relationships,

0:10:15.708,0:10:18.333
and still I do unhealthy things.

0:10:18.333,0:10:21.647
Just the other day as I was trying[br]to shuttle my four kids out the door

0:10:21.647,0:10:24.669
amidst quarreling, squabbling,[br]and complaints about breakfast,

0:10:24.669,0:10:26.799
I completely lost it.

0:10:26.799,0:10:30.081
With an intentionally angry edge,

0:10:30.081,0:10:30.867
I screamed,

0:10:30.867,0:10:32.916
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

0:10:32.916,0:10:34.473
You are the worst!

0:10:34.473,0:10:37.644
I am going to take away[br]screen time and dessert

0:10:37.644,0:10:39.954
and anything else you could possibly[br]ever enjoy in life!"

0:10:39.954,0:10:41.533
(Laughter)

0:10:41.533,0:10:42.986
Anybody been there?

0:10:42.986,0:10:45.099
(Applause)

0:10:45.099,0:10:48.976
Volatility, belittling.

0:10:48.976,0:10:52.626
My oldest son turned around[br]and looked at me, and said,

0:10:52.626,0:10:54.415
"Mom, that's not love."

0:10:54.415,0:10:57.889
(Laughter)

0:10:57.889,0:11:00.970
For a minute, I really wanted[br]to kill him for calling me out.

0:11:00.970,0:11:02.075
Trust me.

0:11:02.075,0:11:03.664
But then I gathered myself,

0:11:03.664,0:11:06.466
and I thought, you know what,[br]I'm actually proud.

0:11:06.466,0:11:10.758
I'm proud that he has a language[br]to make me pause.

0:11:10.758,0:11:13.596
I want all of my kids to understand[br]what the bar should be

0:11:13.596,0:11:15.028
for how they're treated

0:11:15.028,0:11:18.173
and to have a language and a voice[br]to use when that bar is not met

0:11:18.173,0:11:20.516
versus just accepting it.

0:11:21.850,0:11:26.595
For too long, we've treated[br]relationships as a soft topic,

0:11:26.595,0:11:29.431
when relationship skills[br]are one of the most important

0:11:29.431,0:11:31.963
and hard to build things in life.

0:11:31.963,0:11:34.584
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

0:11:34.584,0:11:38.182
help you avoid the rabbit hole[br]that leads to unhealthy love,

0:11:38.182,0:11:41.171
but understanding and practicing[br]the art of being healthy

0:11:41.171,0:11:43.910
can improve nearly[br]every aspect of your life.

0:11:44.770,0:11:46.910
I'm completely convinced

0:11:46.910,0:11:49.479
that while love is[br]an instinct and an emotion,

0:11:49.479,0:11:52.907
the ability to love better[br]is a skill we can all build

0:11:52.907,0:11:54.821
and improve on over time.

0:11:54.821,0:11:56.639
Thank you.

0:11:56.639,0:12:00.893
(Applause)