1
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,

2
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the word "love" probably comes to mind,

3
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and instantly other emotions rush in:

4
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
joy and hope,

5
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
excitement, trust and security,

6
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.

7
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There might not be
a word in the dictionary

8
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that more of us
are connected to than love.

9
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,

10
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?

11
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We build friendships,

12
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
navigate early romantic relationships,

13
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital

14
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.

15
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But the truth is, we often harm
and disrespect the ones we love.

16
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It can be subtle things
like guilting a friend

17
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
into spending time with you

18
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or sneaking a peak
at your partner's texts

19
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.

20
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
100 percent of us will be
on the receiving end

21
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
of unhealthy relationship behaviors,

22
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.

23
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's part of being human.

24
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
In its worst form, the harm
we inflict on loved ones

25
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
shows up as abuse and violence,

26
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and relationship abuse

27
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is something that one in three women
and one in four men

28
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
will experience in their lifetime.

29
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,

30
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you'll go, oh, no no no,
that would never happen to me.

31
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

32
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.

33
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.

34
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.

35
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.

36
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I work for an organization called One Love

37
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

38
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

39
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but when they looked back,

40
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they realized the warning signs were there

41
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
just no one understood
what they were seeing.

42
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,

43
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,

44
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
which was clear signs of danger.

45
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,

46
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
her death could have been prevented.

47
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So today we're on a mission
to make sure that others

48
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

49
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We have three main goals:

50
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject

51
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;

52
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
empower a whole frontline,
namely friends, to help;

53
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.

54
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating

55
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,

56
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and our work really focuses
on creating content

57
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to start conversations with young people.

58
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
As you'd expect, most of our content is
pretty serious, given the subject at hand,

59
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted

60
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
yet still thought-provoking pieces,

61
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the Couplets,

62
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.

63
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The first is intensity.

64
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Video) Blue: I haven't
seen you in a couple days.

65
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I've missed you.

66
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.
(#thatslove)

67
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.

68
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?

69
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)

70
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.

71
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.

72
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They start out exciting and exhilarating.

73
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion,

74
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a rush.

75
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It feels really good.

76
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.

77
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time

78
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.

79
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You feel it in your gut.

80
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend

81
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
says I love you faster
than you were ready for

82
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.

83
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,

84
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.

85
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,

86
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's how it evolves.

87
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship

88
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to pay attention to how you're feeling.

89
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?

90
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?

91
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice

92
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to talk about your own needs.

93
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Are your requests respected?

94
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A second marker is isolation.

95
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

96
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

97
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove)

98
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

99
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

100
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

101
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.

102
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(#thatsnotlove)

103
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed

104
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

105
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Why?

106
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire

107
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to spend time together,

108
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's easy to miss when something shifts.

109
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Isolation creeps in when
your new boyfriend or girlfriend

110
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,

111
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
your support system,

112
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and tethering you more tightly to them.

113
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They might say things like,

114
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"

115
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
about your best friends,

116
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"

117
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
about your family.

118
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

119
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
about everyone from
your pre-relationship life.

120
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Healthy love includes independence,

121
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
two people who love spending time together

122
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.

123
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,

124
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
over time maintaining independence is key.

125
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them

126
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.

127
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.

128
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Video) Blue 2: What are you
so happy about?

129
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!

130
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(#thatslove)

131
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

132
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.

133
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(#thatsnotlove)

134
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,

135
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
extreme jealousy can creep in.

136
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Your partner might become more demanding,

137
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,

138
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or they might start following you
everywhere online and off.

139
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,

140
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
frequent accusations of flirting
with other people or cheating,

141
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them

142
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.

143
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,

144
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but extreme jealousy is different.

145
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There's a threatening, desperate,
and angry edge to it.

146
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Love shouldn't feel like this.

147
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A fourth marker is belittling.

148
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Video) Blue 1: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.

149
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 1: You'll get an A anyway,

150
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A for amazing. (#thatslove)

151
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 1: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.

152
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Blue 1: You'll get an F anyway,

153
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

154
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
KH: Yeah, hmm.

155
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.

156
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted

157
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
turn mean and embarrassing.

158
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,

159
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.

160
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,

161
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.

162
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."

163
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You are silenced by these words.

164
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.

165
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.

166
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.

167
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They should make you feel more confident,

168
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
not less.

169
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

170
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad
if we broke up.

171
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

172
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.

173
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'd throw myself off this step.

174
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I would! Don't try to stop me!

175
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(thatsnotlove)

176
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,

177
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
high highs and low lows:

178
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
as tension rises, so does volatility.

179
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,

180
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
hateful and hurtful comments
like, "You're worthless,

181
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

182
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.

183
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship rollercoaster

184
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous

185
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
your relationship has become.

186
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It can be really hard to see
when unhealthy love

187
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
turns towards abuse,

188
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but it's fair to say that
the more of these markers

189
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
your relationship might have,

190
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.

191
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,

192
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
which is advice so many of us
give our friends

193
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
when they're in unhealthy relationships,

194
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that's not always the best advice.

195
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.

196
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,

197
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you need to consult with experts

198
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to get the advice on how to leave safely.

199
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But it's not just about
romantic relationships,

200
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and it's not just about violence.

201
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

202
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.

203
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship

204
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or why every interaction
with a certain family member

205
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
leaves you discouraged and anxious.

206
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy

207
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.

208
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Understanding is
the first step to improving,

209
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy,

210
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
some you're going to have to leave behind.

211
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You can do your part every day

212
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to do relationships better.

213
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And here's the exciting news:

214
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's actually not rocket science.

215
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Open communication, mutual respect,

216
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
kindness, patience,

217
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
we can practice these things every day.

218
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And while practice
will definitely make you better,

219
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I have to promise you it's also
not going to make you perfect.

220
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I do this for a living,

221
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,

222
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and still I do unhealthy things.

223
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door

224
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
amidst quarreling, squabbling,
and complaints about breakfast,

225
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I completely lost it.

226
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
With an intentionally angry edge,

227
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I screamed,

228
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

229
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You are the worst!

230
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert

231
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"

232
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

233
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Anybody been there?

234
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Applause)

235
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Volatility, belittling.

236
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,

237
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Mom, that's not love."

238
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

239
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.

240
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Trust me.

241
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But then I gathered myself,

242
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.

243
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.

244
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be

245
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for how they're treated

246
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met

247
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
versus just accepting it.

248
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,

249
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
when relationship skills
are one of the most important

250
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and hard to build things in life.

251
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

252
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,

253
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy

254
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.

255
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm completely convinced

256
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,

257
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build

258
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and improve on over time.

259
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Thank you.

260
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Applause)