9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when you think about a child,[br]a close friend, or a romantic partner,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the word "love" probably comes to mind,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and instantly other emotions rush in:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
joy and hope,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
excitement, trust and security,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and yes, sometimes[br]sadness and disappointment.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There might not be[br]a word in the dictionary

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that more of us[br]are connected to than love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yet, given its central[br]importance in our lives,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
isn't it interesting that we're never[br]explicitly taught how to love?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We build friendships,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
navigate early romantic relationships,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
get married and bring babies[br]home from the hospital

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
with the expectation[br]that we'll figure it out.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But the truth is, we often harm[br]and disrespect the ones we love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It can be subtle things[br]like guilting a friend

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
into spending time with you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or sneaking a peak[br]at your partner's texts

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or shaming a child[br]for their lack of effort at school.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
100 percent of us will be[br]on the receiving end

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of unhealthy relationship behaviors,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and 100 percent of us[br]will do unhealthy things.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's part of being human.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In its worst form, the harm[br]we inflict on loved ones

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
shows up as abuse and violence,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and relationship abuse

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is something that one in three women[br]and one in four men

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
will experience in their lifetime.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, if you're like most people,[br]when you hear those stats,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you'll go, oh, no no no,[br]that would never happen to me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's instinctual to move away[br]from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to think that they happen[br]to someone else somewhere else.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships[br]and abuse are all around us.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We just call them different things[br]and ignore the connection.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Abuse sneaks up on us[br]disguised in unhealthy love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I work for an organization called One Love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
started by a family whose daughter[br]Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but when they looked back,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they realized the warning signs were there

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
just no one understood[br]what they were seeing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Called crazy or drama[br]or too much drinking,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
his actions weren't understood[br]to be what they really were,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which was clear signs of danger.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Her family realized that if anyone[br]had been educated about these signs,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
her death could have been prevented.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So today we're on a mission[br]to make sure that others

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
have the information[br]that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We have three main goals:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
give all of us a language[br]for talking about a subject

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that's quite awkward[br]and uncomfortable to discuss;

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
empower a whole frontline,[br]namely friends, to help;

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and, in the process, improve[br]all of our ability to love better.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To do this, it's always important[br]to start by illuminating

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the unhealthy signs[br]that we frequently miss,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and our work really focuses[br]on creating content

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to start conversations with young people.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
As you'd expect, most of our content is[br]pretty serious, given the subject at hand,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but today I'm going to use[br]one of our more light-hearted

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
yet still thought-provoking pieces,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the Couplets,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to illuminate five markers[br]of unhealthy love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The first is intensity.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Video) Blue: I haven't[br]seen you in a couple days.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I've missed you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.[br](#thatslove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.[br]It feels like a lifetime.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What have you been doing[br]without me for five whole minutes?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange: It's been three minutes.[br](#thatsnotlove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?[br]I don't know. I do.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Abusive relationships[br]don't start out abusive.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They start out exciting and exhilarating.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There's an intensity[br]of affection and emotion,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
a rush.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It feels really good.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You feel so lucky,[br]like you've hit the jackpot.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But in unhealthy love,[br]these feelings shift over time

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
from exciting to overwhelming[br]and maybe a little bit suffocating.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You feel it in your gut.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Maybe it's when your[br]new boyfriend or girlfriend

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
says I love you faster[br]than you were ready for

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or starts showing up everywhere,[br]texting and calling a lot.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Maybe they're impatient[br]when you're slow to respond,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
even though they know[br]you had other things going on that day.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's important to remember that it's not[br]how a relationship starts that matters,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's how it evolves.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's important in the early days[br]of a new relationship

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to pay attention to how you're feeling.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are you comfortable[br]with the pace of intimacy?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Do you feel like you have space[br]and room to breathe?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's also really important[br]to start practicing using your voice

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to talk about your own needs.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are your requests respected?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A second marker is isolation.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 2: Tomorrow?[br]Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 2: Wednesday?[br]Orange 1: No Friends Day.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(#thatsnotlove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
KH: If you ask me, isolation[br]is one of the most frequently missed

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Why?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, because every new relationship[br]starts out with this intense desire

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to spend time together,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's easy to miss when something shifts.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Isolation creeps in when[br]your new boyfriend or girlfriend

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
starts pulling you away[br]from your friends and family,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
your support system,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and tethering you more tightly to them.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They might say things like,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Why do you hang out with them?[br]They're such losers"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about your best friends,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or, "They want us to break up.[br]They're totally against us"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about your family.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about everyone from[br]your pre-relationship life.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Healthy love includes independence,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
two people who love spending time together

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but who stay connected to the people[br]and activities they cared about before.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
While at first you might spend[br]every waking minute together,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
over time maintaining independence is key.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You do this by making plans with friends[br]and sticking to them

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and encouraging your partner[br]to do the same.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A third marker of unhealthy love[br]is extreme jealousy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Video) Blue 2: What are you[br]so happy about?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 1: She just started[br]following me on Instagram!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(#thatslove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 1: She, she just started[br]following me, like, everywhere.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(#thatsnotlove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
KH: As the honeymoon period[br]begins to fade,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
extreme jealousy can creep in.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Your partner might become more demanding,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
needing to know where you are[br]and who you're with all the time,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or they might start following you[br]everywhere online and off.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Extreme jealousy also brings with it[br]possessiveness and mistrust,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
frequent accusations of flirting[br]with other people or cheating,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and refusal to listen to you[br]when you tell them

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they have nothing to worry about[br]and that you only love them.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Jealousy is a part[br]of any human relationship,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but extreme jealousy is different.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
There's a threatening, desperate,[br]and angry edge to it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Love shouldn't feel like this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A fourth marker is belittling.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Video) Blue 1: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 1: You'll get an A anyway,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
A for amazing. (#thatslove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 1: Wanna hang out?[br]Orange: I gotta study.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Blue 1: You'll get an F anyway,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
KH: Yeah, hmm.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In unhealthy love,[br]words are used as weapons.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Conversations that used to be[br]fun and lighthearted

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
turn mean and embarrassing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Maybe your partner makes fun of you[br]in a way that hurts,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or maybe they tell stories and jokes[br]for laughs at your expense.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When you try to explain[br]that your feelings have been hurt,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they shut you down[br]and accuse you of overreacting.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Why are you so sensitive?[br]What's your problem. Give me a break."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You are silenced by these words.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It seems pretty obvious,[br]but your partner should have your back.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Their words should build you up,[br]not break you down.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They should keep[br]your secrets and be loyal.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They should make you feel more confident,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
not less.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad[br]if we broke up.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Orange 1: I'd so depressed[br]if we ever broke up.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'd throw myself off this step.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I would! Don't try to stop me!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(thatsnotlove)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
high highs and low lows:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
as tension rises, so does volatility.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Tearful, frustrated fights[br]followed by emotional makeups,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
hateful and hurtful comments[br]like, "You're worthless,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
followed quickly by apologies[br]and promises it will never happen again.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
By this point, you've been so conditioned[br]to this relationship rollercoaster

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that you may not realize how unhealthy[br]and maybe even dangerous

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
your relationship has become.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It can be really hard to see[br]when unhealthy love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
turns towards abuse,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but it's fair to say that[br]the more of these markers

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
your relationship might have,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous[br]your relationship could be.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And if your instinct is[br]to break up and leave,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is advice so many of us[br]give our friends

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when they're in unhealthy relationships,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that's not always the best advice.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Time of breakup can be[br]a real trigger for violence.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If you fear you might be[br]headed towards abuse or in abuse,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you need to consult with experts

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to get the advice on how to leave safely.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But it's not just about[br]romantic relationships,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it's not just about violence.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
can help you audit and understand[br]nearly every relationship in your life.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
For the first time, you might understand[br]why you're disappointed in a friendship

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or why every interaction[br]with a certain family member

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
leaves you discouraged and anxious.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You might even begin to see[br]how your own intensity and jealousy

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is causing problems[br]with colleagues at work.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Understanding is[br]the first step to improving,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and while you can't make[br]every unhealthy relationship healthy,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
some you're going to have to leave behind.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You can do your part every day

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to do relationships better.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And here's the exciting news:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's actually not rocket science.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Open communication, mutual respect,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
kindness, patience,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we can practice these things every day.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And while practice[br]will definitely make you better,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I have to promise you it's also[br]not going to make you perfect.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I do this for a living,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and every day I think and talk[br]about healthy relationships,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and still I do unhealthy things.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Just the other day as I was trying[br]to shuttle my four kids out the door

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
amidst quarreling, squabbling,[br]and complaints about breakfast,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I completely lost it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
With an intentionally angry edge,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I screamed,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You are the worst!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I am going to take away[br]screen time and dessert

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and anything else you could possibly[br]ever enjoy in life!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Anybody been there?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Volatility, belittling.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My oldest son turned around[br]and looked at me, and said,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Mom, that's not love."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
For a minute, I really wanted[br]to kill him for calling me out.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Trust me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But then I gathered myself,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I thought, you know what,[br]I'm actually proud.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm proud that he has a language[br]to make me pause.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want all of my kids to understand[br]what the bar should be

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for how they're treated

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and to have a language and a voice[br]to use when that bar is not met

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
versus just accepting it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
For too long, we've treated[br]relationships as a soft topic,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when relationship skills[br]are one of the most important

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and hard to build things in life.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
help you avoid the rabbit hole[br]that leads to unhealthy love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but understanding and practicing[br]the art of being healthy

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
can improve nearly[br]every aspect of your life.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm completely convinced

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that while love is[br]an instinct and an emotion,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the ability to love better[br]is a skill we can all build

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and improve on over time.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)