[Hassan Ilyas] I begin in the name of Allah, most gracious, forever merciful.
Peace be upon you.
If you go to the internet,
and see the questions of people on different religious websites,
as we ourselves experience this day in and day out,
because people approach us for religious guidance in various matters,
then most of those issues and questions are related to family and marital affairs.
Issues like a husband who has divorced his wife in anger,
a dispute between husband and wife on whether or not the wife can have a job?
Or a question like, should husband and wife live in a joint family with parents,
since the wife is demanding for a separate living?
Or disagreements that have arisen over the birth of children.
Or the issue that a husband wants to go abroad to study but the wife doesn't
want to leave her parents in their home country.
There are dozens of such issues of the young Muslim married couples
that are received day and night.
And these are the issues and disputes, because of which
the institution of a family is ultimately led to ruin and destruction.
I usually interact with young people,
and I directly hear and understand these issues,
so during this time period, an idea developed in my mind.
And I think that if that idea is further scrutinized and reformed,
then perhaps that could lead to some improvement in the future.
And that idea is that when a Muslim man and woman wants to get married,
then at the time of a marriage, there happens to be a
marriage certificate which you sign.
Even though a box happens to be drawn on that marriage certificate so that
any conditions, or obligations or any compulsory duties that you want to set,
could be written in that box.
But in our culture, that box is cut out with slanting lines because it is thought
that if you demand something on that occasion, then it is seen as
an attempt to create a kind of rift at the very beginning of a relationship.
In my opinion, this is a very wrong attitude and tradition.
This tradition should be revived.
And even if this revision may not happen in the marriage certificate,
as that has now become a cultural identity and a cultural status,
but every man and woman should together sign a mutual agreement.
That is, before marriage, there should be an agreement,
which could be a legal document in which you make some people as witnesses,
but that agreement should be signed between a boy and a girl.
There are some basic things in that agreement that need to be agreed upon.
For example, a husband should write in the agreement that if he ever, having
been overcome by an emotional state or as a reaction, or if under any depression,
says the word "divorce" to his wife, then that must not be considered as divorce,
until he consciously divorces his wife in a written format and by making the
family members from both the sides as witnesses.
That is, in our culture, you know that the word 'divorce'
is a placeholder for using expletives.
When a man gets angry, he even utters the word "Divorce" along with the verbal abuse
and then he would regret and say, "No, I didn't mean to divorce my wife,
I just said that in anger, in order to teach her a lesson that
I can divorce her as well.
So for God's sake, nullify my divorce as I don't want to divorce my wife."
So that's why it is important that a man should first clarify this that
if he ever uttered this nonsensical word to his wife, then his saying and statement
is that his divorce should not be considered until he divorces his wife
in normal circumstances and in a normal state of mind,
by making his wife's parents and his own parents as witnesses to his divorce.
So till then every utterance of divorce from him should be null and void.
This kind of an agreement should be there.
And when someone in anger or as a reactionary response utters this word,
then he should retreat from this, rather this should be written in that agreement
that if one ever did such a mistake, then one would pay the fine for it.
It should also be written in the agreement that one is making it incumbent upon
oneself and promising it that one will either fast for these many days
or will pay this much of ransom or will pay the fine to one's wife,
if one utters such a word.
You see, if this is imposed then the man will have this in mind that it's of no use
to utter the word "divorce" in place of some verbal abuse in anger and
on the contrary, it will be harmful.
And thus, because of it, that immediate reaction which shatter families,
will come to an end and it will also become the means to save such families.
Likewise, the issue of where will the wife live after the marriage
should also be decided.
This should be decided before the marriage not after the marriage.
And that's because you already know things like your income,
the condition of your parents, whether they are old, alone or helpless.
Or are you the only person to support them?
If yes, then tell this to your spouse before marriage,
write it in that agreement that you will be living in a joint family.
Now, as far as this issue is concerned that conditions don't remain the same,
then such exceptions are everywhere.
But it should be clear what the overall orientation before the marriage was.
This is fine if you may have had separate living quarters before marriage,
but if the situation arises such that
you have to make your wife to live with her in-laws,
then at that time, you will talk to her, convince her by saying,
"Alright, I had made an agreement with you to live separately,
so now I am leaving this thing to your discretion, if you want to support me,
then that's a great thing.
This should also be written in that agreement.
It should be decided in advance that whether the wife will live with you
independently or with her in-laws.
Similarly, the third thing is that it should also be decided that
they both will plan for the birth of a child with mutual consent,
and the life orientation of both of them for that should be clear.
Does the boy immediately wants a child?
If yes, then let him clear this before marriage
that he wants a child as soon as possible.
And if the girl wants to say that "No, I am not mentally ready for it yet,
as I want to enjoy life and to experience the situation for now.
I will plan for it in near future",
then let her express her wish before the marriage.
And if you don't do this,
then this conflict will take place in a few days after the marriage.
Your in-laws will start expressing their wish for the birth of their grandchild,
in order to fulfill their desire to play with the baby.
And you on the other hand, will have quarrels at the beginning
of your marriage and life will become complicated and troublesome.
So this must be decided in advance. Similarly, a man and woman should
also decide what their overall educational and social background is?
Have they moved forward since childhood with this passion to make a name for
themselves in some field, to move forward and to work?
For example, a woman worked hard right from her childhood and then got an
admission in a medical college on merit and finally became a doctor.
And now that she is married, her husband is not allowing her to do her job.
So this must be decided in advance because one is educated before the marriage.
So it must be written in advance that "I am a doctor and I want to do my job,
and there can arise this and this complication because of my job,
so I am only marrying on the condition that you'll adjust or manage this thing."
So these are few things that I have mentioned very briefly.
So everyone depending on their circumstances, their background,
and their economic condition, can mutually share such conditions with their spouse.
And the thing is that words are left in the air. Only the written words matter.
The guidance from Allah in this regard is also to write down such things in order.
This is because when the conflict arises, at that time, things like understanding,
mutual respect, etc. become meaningless. They don't work.
On such occasions, it is a written document that works.
So I will advice this thing particularly to women,
because a man still has a privilege to marry to a second wife.
But if the woman has delivered a child, and if a conflict arose after that,
then where will she go?
Hence, she must have the privilege to draw her husband's attention to the agreement
that they had agreed upon.
And as far as the issue of divorce goes,
then that should be declared as null and void by men.
That is, the divorce from a man should not be considered,
even if he keeps uttering this word everyday.
And if he says it in anger or in a state of intoxication or when overcome,
or as a reactionary response or in any depression,
then no divorce will take place, until he makes his wife's father,
and his own father as witnesses to his saying that he is divorcing her.
We all know this that a familial life is formed by living with friendship, love,
affection, trust, loving relationships and by supporting each other.
It is also a given fact that life comes with situations of ups and downs.
And the marriage is not any business deal whose pros and cons,
and nitty-gritty you will decide.
However, you should have clarity regarding those basic issues,
that may arise the next day after the marriage.
And let me say that if there happened to be this clarity of issues between couples,
then you will resolve those disputes and conflicts which may arise,
in this light and this spirit, saying that we are not for creating conflicts,
rather we are for resolving conflicts.
So I will advocate for having a proforma or a document to be signed by
every Muslim boy and Muslim girl before getting married,
and to make witnesses on it and say that,
"We are deciding this thing by consensus in such and such matter,
and if there is ever any disagreement in them,
then we will revise this document again under the guidance of these same elders.
For example, if the situation of the boy worsened,
and if he needed to shift to his parent's home,
then he should make a request to his wife, he should talk to her.
He should not intimidate her, or threaten her of the divorce,
and say that "I had agreed on these terms in those circumstances, so then come on,
we will be with parents and will revise the document by your permission,
otherwise I have no other option left."
So this is the thing due to which I think big conflicts can be reduced.
"Aqoolu qawli haaza wa astagfirullah li wa lakum walisairil muslimin."