0:00:00.679,0:00:03.816
For the past few years,f

0:00:03.816,0:00:05.957
we've been calling men out.

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It had to be done.

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(Applause)

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But lately I've been thinking,

0:00:13.113,0:00:16.766
we need to do something even harder.

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We need, as my good friend[br]Tony Porter says,

0:00:20.253,0:00:24.509
to find a way to call men in.

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My father began to sexually abuse me[br]when I was five years old.

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He would come into my room[br]in the middle of the night.

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He appeared to be in a trance.

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The abuse continued until I was 10.

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When I tried to resist him,

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when I was finally able to say no,

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he began to beat me.

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He called me stupid.

0:00:48.814,0:00:51.085
He said I was a liar.

0:00:51.085,0:00:54.631
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,

0:00:54.631,0:00:57.597
but actually it never ended.

0:00:57.597,0:01:00.122
It changed who I was.

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I was filled with anxiety and guilt[br]and shame all the time,

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and I didn't know why.

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I hated my body, I hated myself,

0:01:09.186,0:01:10.909
I got sick a lot,

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I couldn't think,

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I couldn't remember things.

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I was drawn to dangerous men and women

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who I allowed, actually I invited[br]to treat me badly,

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because that is what my father[br]taught me love was.

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I waited my whole life[br]for my father to apologize to me.

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He didn't.

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He wouldn't.

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And then, with the recent[br]scandals of famous men

0:01:37.975,0:01:40.629
as one after another was exposed,

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I realized something:

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I have never heard a man

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who has committed rape[br]or physical violence

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ever publicly apologize to his victim.

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I began to wonder,

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what would an authentic,

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deep apology be like?

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So, something strange began to happen.

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I began to write,

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and my father's voice[br]began to come through me.

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He began to tell me what he had done

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and why.

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He began to apologize.

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My father is dead almost 31 years,

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and yet in this apology,

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the one I had to write for him,

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I discovered the power of an apology

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and how it actually might be[br]the way to move forward

0:02:39.652,0:02:41.525
in the crisis we now face

0:02:41.525,0:02:44.975
with men and all the women they abuse.

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Apology is a sacred commitment.

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It requires complete honesty.

0:02:52.635,0:02:55.691
It demands deep[br]self-interrogation and time.

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It cannot be rushed.

0:02:57.895,0:03:01.364
I discovered an apology has four steps,

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and, if you would,

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I'd like to take you through them.

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The first is you have to say[br]what, in detail, you did.

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Your accounting cannot be vague.

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"I'm sorry if I hurt you,"

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or, "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"

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doesn't cut it.

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You have to say what actually happened.

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"I came into the room[br]in the middle of the night

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and I pulled your underpants down."

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"I belittled you because[br]I was jealous of you

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and I wanted you to feel less."

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The liberation is in the details.

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An apology is a remembering.

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It connects the past with the present.

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It says that what occurred[br]actually did occur.

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The second step is[br]you have to ask yourself why.

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Survivors are haunted by the why.

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Why? Why would my father want[br]to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?

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Why would he take my head

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and smash it against a wall?

0:04:03.805,0:04:05.774
In my father's case,

0:04:05.774,0:04:09.866
he was a child born long after[br]the other children.

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He was an accident[br]that became "the miracle."

0:04:14.648,0:04:18.978
He was adored and treated[br]as the golden boy.

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But adoration, it turns out, is not love.

0:04:22.610,0:04:25.199
Adoration is a projection[br]of someone's need

0:04:25.199,0:04:28.075
for you to be perfect onto you.

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My father had to live up[br]to this impossible ideal,

0:04:30.916,0:04:33.321
and so he was never allowed to be himself.

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He was never allowed[br]to express tenderness

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or vulnerability, curiosity,

0:04:38.197,0:04:39.055
doubt.

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He was never allowed to cry.

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And so he was forced to push[br]all those feelings underground

0:04:44.411,0:04:47.324
and they eventually metastasized.

0:04:47.324,0:04:51.519
Those suppressed feelings[br]later became shadowman,

0:04:51.519,0:04:55.102
and he was out of control[br]and he eventually unleashed

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his torrent on me.

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The third step is you have[br]to open your heart and feel

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what your victim felt[br]as you were abusing her.

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You have to let your heart break.

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You have to feel the horror and betrayal

0:05:11.357,0:05:15.550
and the long-term impacts[br]of your abuse on your victim.

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You have to sit with[br]the suffering you have caused.

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And, of course, the fourth step[br]is taking responsibility

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for what you have done

0:05:24.786,0:05:26.697
and making amends.

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So, why would anyone want to go through[br]such a grueling and humbling process?

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Why would you want to rip yourself open?

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Because it is the only thing

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that will set yourself free.

0:05:41.053,0:05:44.721
It is the only thing[br]that will set your victim free.

0:05:44.721,0:05:47.608
You didn't just destroy your victim.

0:05:47.608,0:05:49.506
You destroyed yourself.

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There is no one who enacts[br]violence on another person

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who doesn't suffer[br]from the effects themselves.

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It creates an incredibly dark[br]and contaminating spirit

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and it spreads throughout[br]your entire life.

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The apology I wrote, I learned something

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about a different lens[br]we have to look through

0:06:13.380,0:06:16.427
to understand the problem[br]of men's violence

0:06:16.427,0:06:20.321
that I and one billion[br]other women have survived.

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We often turn to punishment first.

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Its our first instinct, but actually,

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although punishment[br]sometimes is effective,

0:06:29.578,0:06:32.655
on its own it is not enough.

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My father punished me.

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I was shut down

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and I was broken.

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I think punishment hardens us,[br]but it doesn't teach us.

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Humiliation is not revelation.

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We actually need to create a process

0:06:48.360,0:06:50.202
that may involve punishment

0:06:50.202,0:06:52.753
whereby we open a doorway

0:06:52.753,0:06:57.701
where men can actually become[br]something and someone else.

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For so many years, I hated my father.

0:07:00.456,0:07:03.229
I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.

0:07:03.229,0:07:07.180
But actually, that rage kept me[br]connected to my father's story.

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What I really wanted wasn't just[br]for my father to be stopped.

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I wanted him to change.

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I wanted him to apologize.

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That's what we want.

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We don't want men to be destroyed.

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We don't want them to only be punished.

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We want them to see us,[br]the victims that they have harmed,

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and we want them to repent

0:07:29.733,0:07:31.178
and change.

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And I actually believe this is possible.

0:07:34.674,0:07:38.128
And I really believe it's our way forward.

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But we need men to join us.

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We need men now to be brave[br]and be part of this transformation.

0:07:47.489,0:07:50.213
I have spent most of my life

0:07:50.213,0:07:52.017
calling men out,

0:07:52.017,0:07:54.294
and I am here now,

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right now,

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to call you in.

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Thank you.

0:08:02.118,0:08:07.219
(Applause)