We arrived home this morning

From our Scottish holiday

My wife, she was keen to get home

Infact she was very keen to get home

She is a difficult woman

hard woman to please, the weather,the food

Sideways rain washed the colour from her

It's true

It's true

When I got her home

I had to defrost her in the microwave

It's true

That country is colder my mother in law

I spent 2 weeks standing at 45 degrees

It's so damn cold

Even the animals wear woolly jackets

And all the men . . .they wear skirts

Honest to God

They call them 'Kilts'

But they are skirts

And they wear nothing underneath

It's true

It's so cold they hang a small furry animal

From there belts to keep there Willys warm

They call that a Sporran!

It's like a hamster

Hanging on a chain!

My wife wanted to adopt one

To keep as a pet

But Customs would not allow it

Anyway, weather aside, lets talk about the food

We knew nothing off the Scottish food

Before we got there

Thank the Lord for that!!

Fourteen days sitting on the toilet!

Haggis

Black Pudding

Porridge

I crapped so much

I whistled in the wind!

The Lady . .

The Lady . .

The Lady at the airport . .

Noticed my obvious discomfort

And offered me a rubber ring

To sit on for my flight home

Host: And did you take it

Too damn right I did!

The Haggis was the worst part

I don't even know what animal that was from!

But seriously . . that weather was Biblical!

Host: Do you have any happy memories?

Yeah sure . . I had some good times

On more than one occasion I almost lost the wife

If the wind didn't take her . .

Then i thought maybe the hailstones would!

Hailstones like fucking Golf balls!

I thought we were under attack

one more thing . .

the men were fierce . . .

but the women fiercer!