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We arrived home this morning

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From our Scottish holiday

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My wife, she was keen to get home

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Infact she was very keen to get home

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She is a difficult woman

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hard woman to please, the weather,the food

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Sideways rain washed the colour from her

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It's true[br]

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It's true[br]

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When I got her home

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I had to defrost her in the microwave

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It's true

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That country is colder my mother in law

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I spent 2 weeks standing at 45 degrees

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It's so damn cold

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Even the animals wear woolly jackets

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And all the men . . .they wear skirts

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Honest to God

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They call them 'Kilts'

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But they are skirts

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And they wear nothing underneath

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It's true

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It's so cold they hang a small furry animal

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From there belts to keep there Willys warm

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They call that a Sporran!

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It's like a hamster

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Hanging on a chain!

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My wife wanted to adopt one

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To keep as a pet

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But Customs would not allow it

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Anyway, weather aside, lets talk about the food

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We knew nothing off the Scottish food

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Before we got there

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Thank the Lord for that!!

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Fourteen days sitting on the toilet!

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Haggis

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Black Pudding

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Porridge

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I crapped so much

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I whistled in the wind!

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The Lady . .

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The Lady . .

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The Lady at the airport . .

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Noticed my obvious discomfort

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And offered me a rubber ring

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To sit on for my flight home

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Host: And did you take it

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Too damn right I did!

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The Haggis was the worst part

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I don't even know what animal that was from!

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But seriously . . that weather was Biblical!

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Host: Do you have any happy memories?

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Yeah sure . . I had some good times

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On more than one occasion I almost lost the wife

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If the wind didn't take her . .

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Then i thought maybe the hailstones would!

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Hailstones like fucking Golf balls!

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I thought we were under attack

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one more thing . .

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the men were fierce . . .

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but the women fiercer!