We arrived home this morning
From our Scottish holiday
My wife, she was keen to get home
Infact she was very keen to get home
She is a difficult woman
hard woman to please, the weather,the food
Sideways rain washed the colour from her
It's true
When I got her home
I had to defrost her in the microwave
It's true
That country is colder my mother in law
I spent 2 weeks standing at 45 degrees
It's so damn cold
Even the animals wear woolly jackets
And all the men . . .they wear skirts
Honest to God
They call them 'Kilts'
But they are skirts
And they wear nothing underneath
It's true
It's so cold they hang a small furry animal
From there belts to keep there Willys warm
They call that a Sporran!
It's like a hamster
Hanging on a chain!
My wife wanted to adopt one
To keep as a pet
But Customs would not allow it
Anyway, weather aside, lets talk about the food
We knew nothing off the Scottish food
Before we got there
Thank the Lord for that!!
Fourteen days sitting on the toilet!
Haggis
Black Pudding
Porridge
I crapped so much
I whistled in the wind!
The Lady . .
The Lady at the airport . .
Noticed my obvious discomfort
And offered me a rubber ring
To sit on for my flight home
Host: And did you take it
Too damn right I did!
The Haggis was the worst part
I don't even know what animal that was from!
But seriously . . that weather was Biblical!
Host: Do you have any happy memories?
Yeah sure . . I had some good times
On more than one occasion I almost lost the wife
If the wind didn't take her . .
Then i thought maybe the hailstones would!
Hailstones like fucking Golf balls!
I thought we were under attack
one more thing . .
the men were fierce . . .
but the women fiercer!