♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

- ♪ Fa la la la la la la ♪--
- (Ian) SHUT UP!!

Oh, hey!

You caught roasting chestnuts 
over this open fire.

If there's one thing Anthony 
and I love, it's Christmas.

We love Christmas so much, 
we got tattoos to prove it.

So to celebrate the holiday 
season, we'd like to share

a few of our own 
Christmas stories with you.

Let's take a look, shall we?

This story begins with 
Santa at the computer.

<i>You've got mail.</i>

What're you doing, sweetie?

Nothing, honey buns! I'm just 
bidding on this snuggie on eBay,

but this ass face keeps outbidding me...

What the heck?!

This fricking douche bag 
just won the auction again!

Calm down, sugar cake! It's OK.

I'm just sick of this 56K 
internet and the North Pole!

And it doesn't help that we haven't got 
the newest operating system.

♪ (Price is Right losing horn) ♪

<i>Did you forget to buy Christmas</i>
<i>presents and now it's Christmas day?</i>

<i>We're here to help!</i>

<i>We're Christmas Presents Direct.</i>

What a big present!

<i>Simply give us the address</i>
<i>of your Christmas party,</i>

<i>and we'll send one 
of our associates right over.</i>

<i>They'll pick up whatever they</i>
<i>can on the way to your house,</i>

<i>and wrap it up for you!</i>

<i>We guarantee that your family and friends</i>

<i>are going to love the variety of gifts</i>

<i>that Christmas Presents Direct has to offer.</i>

How did you know?!

Wonder what this could be?

(cat yowls)

(doorbell rings)

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪

(alarm clock beeps)

It's Christmas!

Bye, mom! I'm going sledding!

Whoo hoo! Yeah!

Wheeeee!

(groaning)

<i>Hey, parents! Are you tired of your kids</i>

<i>sneaking into your room</i>
<i>to see what present you got them?</i>

<i>From the makers</i>
<i>of Christmas Presents Direct,</i>

<i>we bring you Christmas Gift Guard.</i>

<i>When you order, a former</i>
<i>US Special Forces Commando</i>

<i>will be sent to your house immediately</i>

<i>to guard your presents before</i>
<i> you wrap them up for Christmas.</i>

<i>No longer will your kids</i>
<i>be able to come into your room</i>

<i>and sneak that little peak</i>
<i>on the new present you got them!</i>

<i>Christmas Gift Guard</i>
<i>is not responsible for any deaths,</i>

<i>gunshot wounds, knife wounds, [inaudible] traps,</i>

<i>land mines, or piano wire stranglings.</i>

Well, that's all the time we have for today.

Tune in next week for the second episode...

<i>Are you tired of your kid</i>
<i>not believing in Santa?</i>

<i>We're Santa Illusions Express.</i>

<i>Watch it at Smosh.com!</i>

[captioned by www.facebook.com/subtitleyoutube.]