WEBVTT

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Sometimes, the best way to overcome
a limit is to reach beyond it,

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to grab hold of that reality
and draw it back into the present moment,

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try it on,

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see how it fits.

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That’s what San Francisco mayor
Gavin Newsom did

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on Valentine’s Day, 2004,

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when, without any particular legal basis,

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he announced that San Francisco
would begin issuing marriage licenses

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to same-sex couples.

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It was a grand gesture,
symbolic and photogenic.

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Now, I had always been
mixed-emotioned about marriage.

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Not having access to it
made it easy to be judgy about it,

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“It’s old-fashioned. It’s sexist!”

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My partner Oren and I
were on the same page about this.

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We had registered as domestic partners

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for its slim bundle
of coldly described rights,

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but we had never had a ceremony.

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That was too marriage-like,

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and we did not want
to mimic an institution

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that did not want to have us.

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But the television coverage
was compelling.

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(Laughter)

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And so were our friends -

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I mean, not compelling exactly -

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desperate!

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After two weeks of watching
same-sex octogenarian couples

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standing in line in the rain,

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eating damp wedding cakes
sent by out-of-state well-wishers -

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a spectacle of love

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that did more to change
public attitudes about gay people

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than any campaign, litigation, legislation
or protest in American history -

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our friends couldn’t stand it
one minute longer.

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“You have to get married!
It’s a historic moment!” they said,

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meaning, “I have to go to a gay wedding!
It’s a historic moment.”

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(Laughter)

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Slowly, our resistance
gave way to the romance of it.

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We decided to do it.

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I drove down to San Francisco City Hall.

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By this time, there were
no more lines around the block;

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instead, there was
a computerized appointment system.

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I took a deep breath

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and walked into the county clerk’s office.

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“I’d like a spot
on the wedding docket, please.”

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“Sorry, we’re all booked up.”

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“All booked up?”

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“Yep! Next six weeks, booked solid.”

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“Hmm ...

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What about beyond that?”

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“Oh, wide open!”

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“Well, great! I’ll take
one of those appointments.”

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“Sorry, we can only make appointments
six weeks in advance.”

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(Laughter)

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“So I have to come here every day

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to try to get an appointment
six weeks out?”

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“Uh-huh.”

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(Laughter)

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“Can I do this by phone or online?”

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“Sorry.”

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I gave up; clearly,
the marrying life was not for me.

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(Laughter)

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I trudged a couple of blocks
to a restaurant called Ananda Fuara

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to drown my sorrows
in garlic-free vegetarian food.

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When I walked in, I saw
my lawyer friend Jeff with his boyfriend.

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I told them how I’d been bested
by the bureaucracy,

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then I sat down to order my lentil loaf.

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As I was raking up the last dry crumbs,

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(Laughter)

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Jeff appeared at the table.

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“Listen,” he said,

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“We have a wedding
appointment for March 11,

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but the law is so up in the air.

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We’ve decided not to use it.

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We’d like you to have it.”

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“Did they mean it?”

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I didn’t want them giving up
their shot at a wedding

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just to do a good turn for me.

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On the other hand,
maybe they weren’t ready to commit.

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Maybe they had good reason for cold feet,

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and I was giving them
an honorable way out.

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“Thank you.

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Yes.

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Thank you.”

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And we were off.

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We had less than two weeks
to pull this thing together.

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It was impossible to get
Oren’s parents over from Israel,

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or my sister from Japan.

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But my mother bought a plane ticket.

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We asked county supervisor
and former stand-up comedy Tom Ammiano

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to officiate.

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We told our friends to cancel their plans.

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We organized hummus and cake
for our celebration afterwards.

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We bought shirts.

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(Laughter)

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The day arrived.

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Breathless, we showed up at City Hall
and met up with our entourage.

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Jeff was there too in order to verify

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that he was relinquishing
his appointment to us.

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He and Oren and I took a deep breath,

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and walked into the county clerk’s office.

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"We are here to get married."

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"You have an appointment?"

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“I have an appointment,” said Jeff.

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“And I’m giving it to them.”

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“I’m giving it to them.”

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“I’m sorry, wedding appointments
are not transferable.”

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(Laughter)

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"But that makes no sense.
There’s no fraud here.

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He’s standing right here,
saying it’s okay,

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and you already allotted
the time for his wedding!”

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"Yeah, not transferable.”

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“No, but you don’t understand.

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My mother flew here from Chicago,

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Tom Ammiano is waiting in the rotunda.

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I have 31 people in the hall,

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and flowers!”

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I added flowers, pathetically,

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as if somehow flowers
would tip the balance.

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(Laughter)

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“Not transferable ...”

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“What’s going on here?”

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It was Nancy Alfaro, the duly appointed
San Francisco county clerk.

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“They don’t have an appointment.”

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I repeated my whole litany,
including the flowers.

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“Go stand over there,” she said,

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pointing to a spot in the office

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that we quickly came to understand
as the “problem couple pen.”

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(Laughter)

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We were not alone there.

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There was another "problem couple,"

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Nicole and Amita,

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two young African American lesbians,

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both deaf,

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who had driven up
from Riverside to get married.

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They had an appointment,

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but they had not told City Hall
they would need an interpreter.

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Hence, consignment to the pen.

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We smiled at each other
and exchanged rudimentary pleasantries.

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I should tell you
that as an undergraduate,

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I had taken a semester
of American Sign Language.

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And in the intervening quarter century,
I had never had cause to use it.

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(Laughter)

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But it was important to me
to stay in practice,

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so I used to sign a little bit
to myself a song on the radio

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or the newscast on TV.

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And in the process, I had begun
to make up little signs ...

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(Laughter)

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for words that I didn’t know.

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(Laughter)

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I wasn’t signing
with any real deaf people,

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so what was the harm?

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(Laughter)

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Except that over time,
I began to lose track …

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(Laughter)

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of what signs I had learned
and what I had invented.

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And so,

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when Nancy Alfaro would come over

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with an update about her search
for an interpreter,

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I would translate this to them
and then study their faces

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to determine if what I had just given them
was information or gibberish.

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(Laughter)

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“You know how to sign?”
Nancy Alfaro asked.

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“Oh, no. Just a little bit from college.”

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“Can you sign their wedding?”

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“Oh, no.”

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“I need you to sign their wedding.”

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“No, that would be a terrible mistake.”

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(Laughter)

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“Listen to me.

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I cannot send them home
to Riverside today not married.

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You must do this.”

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I was about to object again,

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but the wind was taken out of me
by Oren’s knuckle deep in my ribs.

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“What about our wedding?” he asked.

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“Your boyfriend signs theirs,
then you can have yours.”

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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Before I knew what was happening,
I was whisked to a wedding chapel

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that could have only been designed
by a civil servant.

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(Laughter)

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Nicole and Amita didn’t bring
any friends with them,

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so my buddy Emily,

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a lawyer who had long been fighting
the marriage fight,

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stepped up to be their witness
and to take pictures.

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The officiant, some city functionary,
pressed into overtime matrimonial duty,

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opened his script:

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“We are gathered here
in the presence of these witnesses

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to join in matrimony Nicole and Amita.

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We are here with ... ” -

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point to Emily, point to self -

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“Unite in marriage you and you.”

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(Laughter)

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“The contract of marriage is most solemn.”

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“Marriage is important,”

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(Laughter)

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“and is not to be entered into lightly.”

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“Marriage is very important.”

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(Laughter)

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“But seriously and thoughtfully,

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with the full realization
of its duties and obligations.”

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(Laughter)

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“Marriage is very, very important.”

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(Laughter)

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I spelled half the ceremony on my fingers.

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I watched frequent
confusion on their faces

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give way to looks of love
and joy between them.

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I was embarrassed
about my ineloquent hands.

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On the other hand, Nicole and Amita
did not need a lecture

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on the significance of marriage.

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Nobody getting married
in San Francisco that month did.

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They kissed, we hugged them,

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Emily and I raced up the stairs
to the rotunda balcony

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where we found Tom Ammiano,
with Oren and our gang of people,

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ready to begin.

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“We are gathered here
in the presence of these witnesses

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to join in matrimony Oren and Erwin,”

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the same script as I heard downstairs,
that now I knew so well.

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We ran through the canned vows,

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and then we added words of our own,

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Hebrew from the Book of Ruth.

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(Hebrew)

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“Where you go, I will go.”

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(Hebrew)

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“Where you lodge, I will lodge.”

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(Hebrew)

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“Your people will be my people;
and your God, my God.”

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(Hebrew)

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“And where you die, I will die,

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and there I will be buried.”

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We kissed, we ran downstairs
to submit our paperwork,

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we waved goodbye to Nicole and Amita,

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who were two and a half minutes
ahead of us in the wedding assembly line …

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(Laughter)

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We piled into the car

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my mother, my cousin,

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my husband, and I.

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We turned on the radio
to hear the breaking news bulletin:

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the California Supreme Court
had just halted the weddings.

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We canceled our celebration
and went right to a protest march

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down Market Street.

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My mother held a sign
that someone handed her, saying:

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“That’s my family.”

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Oren and I carried sheets
of notebook paper

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on which we’d scribbled “Married Today.”

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A few months later,
all of the weddings were invalidated.

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But in that time, something had happened.

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We had reached beyond a limit,

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a limit of law,

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a limit of language.

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We had grabbed that reality
and drawn it back into the present moment

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and tried it on like a wedding tux,

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or a bridal veil.

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And we discovered
that we liked how it fits.

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It took another four years

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before there was a legal window
of opportunity for us to marry again,

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and then another seven years

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before the US Supreme Court
made it the law of the land

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and we were able to exhale.

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It always seems strange to me,

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when people ask us
how long we’ve been married,

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to say, “Nine years,”

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when we’ve been “us” for 23.

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But we will be the last generation
with this disparity,

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with marriages that are icing

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on an already fine and fully baked cake.

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We are here,

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united

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in love.

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Marriage

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very, very …

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(Laughter)

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(American Sign Language) Important.

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Thank you.

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(Applause) (Cheering)