Well now, Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in
I realize that you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be
discussed over the electric telephone.
No, no, absolutely, headmaster.
I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I'd like to nip it in the bud
Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble.
Recently, his behaviour have left a great deal to be desired
Dear!
He seems to take no interest in school life, whatsoever!
He refuses to muckin on the sports field. And it's weeks since any master
has received any written work from him.
Oh, dear me!
Quite frankly, Mr. Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
(laugh)
I beg your pardon?
Yes, expelled!
If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead,
he'd be out in his ear.
Tommy is dead?!
Yes, he's lying up there in sickbay now, stiff as a board and bright green...
and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude
You see, the boy has no sense of moderation:
one moment he's flying around like a paper kite...
and the next moment he's completely immovable.
And beginning to smell.
But how did he die?
Well, is that important?
Oh yes, I think so!
Well... well... well, it's all got to do with the library, you see.
We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books
... without library cards.
Your son was caught, and I administered the beating,
... during which he died.
But you'll be glad to know... you'll be glad to know
that the ringleader was caught.
So I don't think we'll be having more trouble with library discipline.
You see, the library card system...
I'm sorry...
...was...
You beat my son to death?
Yes, yes, so it would seem.
Please, I'm not used to being interrupted.
You see, the library card system was introduced...
Well, exactly what happened?
Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!
No, during the beating!
Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment
he was lying down, I mean, er...
Dead?
Mmm... deadish! ...
Mr. Perkins I find this morbid fascination of yours with son's death quite disturbing.
What I'm talking about is his attitude!
And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.
Well, it wasn't me that beat him to death!
Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here.
I wondered then, as I wonder now,
if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had...
administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.
Are you mad!?
I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral,
I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!
This is preposterous!
Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be
if it were true
.... What?
I've been joking, Mr Perkins.
Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.
Oh, thank god!
I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!