WEBVTT 00:00:00.902 --> 00:00:02.530 My name is Hannah. 00:00:02.554 --> 00:00:04.652 And that is a palindrome. 00:00:05.140 --> 00:00:11.205 That is a word you can spell the same forwards and backwards, 00:00:11.944 --> 00:00:13.429 if you can spell. 00:00:13.453 --> 00:00:14.755 But the thing is -- NOTE Paragraph 00:00:14.779 --> 00:00:16.053 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:17.112 --> 00:00:19.296 my entire family have palindromic names. 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.634 It's a bit of a tradition. 00:00:21.152 --> 00:00:24.265 We've got Mum, Dad -- NOTE Paragraph 00:00:24.289 --> 00:00:26.304 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:26.328 --> 00:00:28.538 Nan, Pop. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:28.562 --> 00:00:30.510 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:31.447 --> 00:00:33.812 And my brother, Kayak. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:33.836 --> 00:00:35.276 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:35.300 --> 00:00:36.585 There you go. 00:00:36.609 --> 00:00:38.745 That's just a bit a joke, there. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:38.769 --> 00:00:39.878 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:39.902 --> 00:00:43.329 I like to kick things off with a joke because I'm a comedian. 00:00:43.353 --> 00:00:45.734 Now there's two things you know about me already: 00:00:45.758 --> 00:00:47.536 my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian. 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:48.941 I'm wasting no time. 00:00:48.965 --> 00:00:51.409 Here's a third thing you can know about me: 00:00:51.433 --> 00:00:55.404 I don't think I'm qualified to speak my own mind. 00:00:55.428 --> 00:00:57.987 Bold way to begin a talk, yes, 00:00:58.011 --> 00:00:59.702 but it's true. 00:00:59.726 --> 00:01:01.985 I've always had a great deal of difficulty 00:01:02.009 --> 00:01:04.386 turning my thinking into the talking. 00:01:05.628 --> 00:01:07.709 So it seems a bit of a contradiction, then, 00:01:07.733 --> 00:01:10.154 that someone like me, who is so bad at the chat, 00:01:10.178 --> 00:01:12.910 could be something like a stand-up comedian. 00:01:13.373 --> 00:01:15.280 But there you go. There you go. 00:01:15.304 --> 00:01:16.964 It's what it is. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:16.988 --> 00:01:20.987 I first tried my hand at stand-up comedi -- comedie ... See? 00:01:21.011 --> 00:01:22.174 See? See? NOTE Paragraph 00:01:22.198 --> 00:01:25.028 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:25.052 --> 00:01:27.989 I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy 00:01:28.013 --> 00:01:29.180 in my late 20s, 00:01:29.204 --> 00:01:34.592 and despite being a pathologically shy virtual mute with low self-esteem 00:01:34.616 --> 00:01:36.686 who'd never held a microphone before, 00:01:36.710 --> 00:01:41.510 I knew as soon as I walked and stood in front of the audience, 00:01:41.534 --> 00:01:44.489 I knew, before I'd even landed my first joke, 00:01:44.513 --> 00:01:47.537 I knew that I really liked stand-up, 00:01:47.561 --> 00:01:49.637 and stand-up really liked me. 00:01:50.123 --> 00:01:53.570 But for the life of me, I couldn't work out why. 00:01:53.594 --> 00:01:58.829 Why is it I could be so good at doing something I was so bad at? NOTE Paragraph 00:01:58.853 --> 00:02:00.040 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:00.064 --> 00:02:03.074 I just couldn't work it out, I could not understand it. 00:02:03.098 --> 00:02:05.057 That is, until I could. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:05.081 --> 00:02:07.952 Now, before I explain to you why it is 00:02:07.976 --> 00:02:11.232 that I can be good at something I'm so bad at, 00:02:11.256 --> 00:02:14.103 let me throw another spanner of contradiction into the work 00:02:14.127 --> 00:02:18.407 by telling you that not long after I worked out why that was, 00:02:18.431 --> 00:02:20.503 I decided to quit comedy. 00:02:21.009 --> 00:02:23.741 And before I explain that little oppositional cat 00:02:23.765 --> 00:02:26.467 I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons, 00:02:26.491 --> 00:02:29.060 let me also tell you this: 00:02:29.084 --> 00:02:31.937 quitting launched my comedy career. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:31.961 --> 00:02:33.919 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:33.943 --> 00:02:38.014 Like, really launched it, to the point where after quitting comedy, 00:02:38.038 --> 00:02:40.972 I became the most talked-about comedian on the planet, 00:02:40.996 --> 00:02:44.624 because apparently, I'm even worse at making retirement plans 00:02:44.648 --> 00:02:47.145 than I am at speaking my own mind. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:48.568 --> 00:02:52.351 Now, all I've done up until this point 00:02:52.375 --> 00:02:56.147 apart from giving over a spattering of biographical detail 00:02:56.171 --> 00:02:58.478 is to tell you indirectly that I have three ideas 00:02:58.502 --> 00:03:00.258 that I want to share with you today. 00:03:00.282 --> 00:03:03.702 And I've done that by way of sharing three contradictions: 00:03:03.726 --> 00:03:06.927 one, I am bad at talking, I am good at talking; 00:03:06.951 --> 00:03:09.694 I quit, I did not quit. 00:03:09.718 --> 00:03:11.555 Three ideas, three contradictions. 00:03:11.579 --> 00:03:14.060 Now, if you're wondering why there's only two things 00:03:14.084 --> 00:03:15.611 on my so-called list of three -- NOTE Paragraph 00:03:15.635 --> 00:03:16.669 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:16.693 --> 00:03:19.218 I remind you it is literally a list of contradictions. 00:03:19.242 --> 00:03:20.405 Keep up. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:20.429 --> 00:03:22.953 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:22.977 --> 00:03:27.458 Now, the folks at TED advised me that with a talk of this length, 00:03:27.482 --> 00:03:30.234 it's best to stick with just sharing one idea. 00:03:30.958 --> 00:03:32.429 I said no. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:32.453 --> 00:03:35.919 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:35.943 --> 00:03:37.321 What would they know? NOTE Paragraph 00:03:37.737 --> 00:03:42.791 To explain why I have chosen to ignore what is clearly very good advice, 00:03:42.815 --> 00:03:45.356 I want to take you back to the beginning of this talk, 00:03:45.380 --> 00:03:47.028 specifically, my palindrome joke. 00:03:47.052 --> 00:03:51.164 Now that joke uses my favorite trick of the comedian trade, 00:03:51.188 --> 00:03:52.357 the rule of three, 00:03:52.381 --> 00:03:53.839 whereby you make a statement 00:03:53.863 --> 00:03:55.383 and then back that statement up 00:03:55.407 --> 00:03:56.565 with a list. 00:03:56.589 --> 00:03:59.220 My entire family have palindromic names: 00:03:59.244 --> 00:04:02.219 Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop. 00:04:02.243 --> 00:04:06.183 The first two ideas on that list create a pattern, 00:04:06.207 --> 00:04:08.422 and that pattern creates expectation. 00:04:08.446 --> 00:04:11.316 And then the third thing -- bam! -- Kayak. What? 00:04:11.340 --> 00:04:12.670 That's the rule of three. 00:04:12.694 --> 00:04:15.085 One, two, surprise! Ha ha. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:15.109 --> 00:04:18.337 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:20.851 --> 00:04:25.694 Now, the rule of three is not only fundamental to the way I do my craft, 00:04:25.718 --> 00:04:28.375 it is also fundamental to the way I communicate. 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:31.033 So I won't be changing anything for nobody, 00:04:31.057 --> 00:04:32.213 not even TED, 00:04:32.237 --> 00:04:35.491 which, I will point out, stands for three ideas: 00:04:35.515 --> 00:04:37.402 technology, entertainment 00:04:37.426 --> 00:04:38.672 and dickheads. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:38.696 --> 00:04:41.664 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:41.688 --> 00:04:43.604 Works every time, doesn't it? NOTE Paragraph 00:04:45.713 --> 00:04:47.765 But you need more than just jokes 00:04:47.789 --> 00:04:50.147 to be able to cut it as a professional comedian. 00:04:50.171 --> 00:04:54.061 You need to be able to walk that fine line between being charming 00:04:54.085 --> 00:04:55.593 and disarming. 00:04:55.617 --> 00:05:00.990 And I discovered the most effective way to generate the amount of charm I needed 00:05:01.014 --> 00:05:05.511 to offset my disarming personality 00:05:05.535 --> 00:05:07.851 was through not jokes but stories. 00:05:07.875 --> 00:05:10.145 So my stand-up routines are filled with stories: 00:05:10.169 --> 00:05:12.449 stories about growing up, my coming out story, 00:05:12.473 --> 00:05:15.705 stories about the abuse I've copped for being not only a woman 00:05:15.729 --> 00:05:19.347 but a big woman and a masculine-of-center woman. 00:05:19.371 --> 00:05:22.631 If you watch my work online, check the comments out below 00:05:22.655 --> 00:05:25.312 for examples of abuse. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:25.336 --> 00:05:27.112 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:27.136 --> 00:05:30.399 It's that time in the talk where I shift into second gear, 00:05:30.423 --> 00:05:34.795 and I'm going to tell you a story about everything I've just said. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:34.819 --> 00:05:37.033 In the last few days of her life, 00:05:37.057 --> 00:05:40.050 my grandma was surrounded by people, 00:05:40.074 --> 00:05:41.780 a lot of people, 00:05:41.804 --> 00:05:44.276 because my grandma was the loving matriarch 00:05:44.300 --> 00:05:46.770 of a large and loving family. 00:05:47.211 --> 00:05:49.497 Now, if you haven't made the connection already, 00:05:49.521 --> 00:05:51.011 I am a member of that family. 00:05:51.854 --> 00:05:54.934 I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to my grandma 00:05:54.958 --> 00:05:56.878 on the day she died. 00:05:56.902 --> 00:05:59.895 But as she was already cocooned within herself by then, 00:05:59.919 --> 00:06:02.973 it was something of a one-sided goodbye. 00:06:03.853 --> 00:06:06.786 So I thought about a lot of things, 00:06:06.810 --> 00:06:09.685 things I hadn't thought about in a long time, 00:06:09.709 --> 00:06:11.917 like the letters I used to write to my grandma 00:06:11.941 --> 00:06:13.799 when I first started university, 00:06:13.823 --> 00:06:16.571 letters I filled with funny stories and anecdotes 00:06:16.595 --> 00:06:18.998 that I embellished for her amusement. 00:06:19.022 --> 00:06:21.636 And I remembered how I couldn't articulate 00:06:21.660 --> 00:06:27.425 the anxiety and fear that filled me as I tried to carve my tiny little life 00:06:27.449 --> 00:06:30.556 into a world that felt far too big for me. 00:06:31.213 --> 00:06:34.209 But I remembered finding comfort in those letters, 00:06:34.233 --> 00:06:37.250 because I wrote them with my grandma in mind. 00:06:38.002 --> 00:06:40.733 But as the world got more and more overwhelming 00:06:40.757 --> 00:06:44.744 and my ability to negotiate it got worse, not better, 00:06:44.768 --> 00:06:47.466 I stopped writing those letters. 00:06:48.041 --> 00:06:53.072 I just didn't think I had the life that Grandma would want to read about. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:54.162 --> 00:06:56.509 Grandma did not know I was gay, 00:06:56.533 --> 00:06:58.483 and about six months before she died, 00:06:58.507 --> 00:07:01.397 out of nowhere, she asked me if I had a boyfriend. 00:07:02.139 --> 00:07:05.716 Now, I remember making a conscious decision in that moment 00:07:05.740 --> 00:07:07.763 not to come out to my grandmother. 00:07:08.881 --> 00:07:12.208 And I did that because I knew her life was drawing to an end, 00:07:12.232 --> 00:07:13.904 and my time with her was finite, 00:07:13.928 --> 00:07:16.739 and I did not want to talk about the ways we were different. 00:07:16.763 --> 00:07:19.903 I wanted to talk about the ways were we connected. 00:07:20.595 --> 00:07:22.313 So I changed the subject. 00:07:23.061 --> 00:07:25.554 And at the time, it felt like the right decision. 00:07:26.374 --> 00:07:29.138 But as I sat witness to my grandmother's life 00:07:29.162 --> 00:07:31.654 as it tapered to its inevitable end, 00:07:31.678 --> 00:07:34.071 I couldn't help but feel I'd made a mistake 00:07:34.095 --> 00:07:37.472 not to share such a significant part of my life. 00:07:39.248 --> 00:07:43.105 But I also knew that I'd missed my opportunity, 00:07:43.129 --> 00:07:45.202 and as Grandma always used to say, 00:07:45.226 --> 00:07:47.886 "Ah, well, it's all part of the soup. 00:07:47.910 --> 00:07:50.014 Too late to take the onions out now." NOTE Paragraph 00:07:50.038 --> 00:07:52.390 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:07:52.414 --> 00:07:53.859 And I thought about that, 00:07:53.883 --> 00:07:57.745 and I thought about how I had to deal with too many onions 00:07:57.769 --> 00:07:59.693 as a kid, 00:07:59.717 --> 00:08:04.352 growing up gay in a state where homosexuality was illegal. 00:08:04.376 --> 00:08:07.091 And with that thought, I could see how tightly wrapped 00:08:07.115 --> 00:08:10.928 in the tendrils of my own internalized shame I was. 00:08:10.952 --> 00:08:13.785 And with that, I thought about all my traumas: 00:08:13.809 --> 00:08:16.773 the violence, the abuse, my rape. 00:08:20.087 --> 00:08:22.331 And with all that cluster of thinking, 00:08:22.355 --> 00:08:25.498 a thought, a question, kept popping into my mind 00:08:25.522 --> 00:08:27.789 to which I had no answer: 00:08:27.813 --> 00:08:30.483 What is the purpose of my human? NOTE Paragraph 00:08:31.743 --> 00:08:35.183 Out of anyone in my family, I felt the most akin to my grandmother. 00:08:36.154 --> 00:08:39.224 I mean, we share the most traits in common. 00:08:39.248 --> 00:08:40.898 Not so much these days. 00:08:40.922 --> 00:08:42.560 Death really changes people. 00:08:42.584 --> 00:08:43.744 But that -- NOTE Paragraph 00:08:43.768 --> 00:08:44.831 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:44.855 --> 00:08:47.191 is my grandmother's sense of humor. 00:08:47.215 --> 00:08:49.864 But the person I felt most akin to in the world 00:08:49.888 --> 00:08:52.281 was a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, 00:08:52.305 --> 00:08:53.719 a great-great-grandmother. 00:08:53.743 --> 00:08:58.253 Me? I represented the very end of my branch of the family tree. 00:08:58.277 --> 00:09:02.218 And I wasn't entirely sure I was still connected to the trunk. 00:09:02.242 --> 00:09:04.466 What was the purpose of my human? NOTE Paragraph 00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:10.802 The year after my grandmother's death was the most intensely creative 00:09:10.826 --> 00:09:11.986 of my life. 00:09:12.010 --> 00:09:15.416 And I suppose that's because, at an end, my thoughts gather 00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:16.897 more than they scatter. 00:09:17.466 --> 00:09:19.726 My thought process is not linear. 00:09:19.750 --> 00:09:22.265 I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts. 00:09:22.289 --> 00:09:24.048 I don't have a photographic memory, 00:09:24.072 --> 00:09:30.020 and nor is my head a static gallery of sensibly collected think pieces. 00:09:30.044 --> 00:09:35.007 It's more that I've got this ever-evolving language of hieroglyphics 00:09:35.031 --> 00:09:36.184 that I've developed 00:09:36.208 --> 00:09:39.916 and can understand fluently and think deeply with. 00:09:39.940 --> 00:09:41.713 but I struggle to translate. 00:09:42.168 --> 00:09:45.488 I can't paint, draw, sculpt, or even haberdash, 00:09:45.512 --> 00:09:48.303 and as for the written word, 00:09:48.327 --> 00:09:53.513 I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous process of translation, 00:09:53.537 --> 00:09:56.302 and I don't feel it does the job. 00:09:56.326 --> 00:10:00.780 And as far as speaking my own mind, like I said, I'm not great at it. 00:10:00.804 --> 00:10:03.980 Speech has always felt like an inadequate freeze-frame 00:10:04.004 --> 00:10:06.212 for the life inside of me. 00:10:06.919 --> 00:10:08.089 All this to say, 00:10:08.113 --> 00:10:13.023 I've always understood far more than I've ever been able to communicate. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:13.990 --> 00:10:16.075 Now, about a year before Grandma died, 00:10:16.099 --> 00:10:19.141 I was formally diagnosed with autism. 00:10:19.165 --> 00:10:21.276 Now for me, that was mostly good news. 00:10:22.248 --> 00:10:26.991 I always thought that I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person 00:10:27.015 --> 00:10:29.661 because I was depressed and anxious. 00:10:29.685 --> 00:10:31.139 But it turns out 00:10:31.163 --> 00:10:32.736 I was depressed and anxious 00:10:32.760 --> 00:10:36.055 because I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person, 00:10:36.079 --> 00:10:38.416 because I was not a normal person, 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:40.179 and I didn't know it. 00:10:40.203 --> 00:10:42.412 Now, this is not to say I still don't struggle. 00:10:42.436 --> 00:10:44.140 Every day is a bit of a struggle, 00:10:44.164 --> 00:10:45.323 to be honest. 00:10:45.347 --> 00:10:48.365 But at least now I know what my struggle is, 00:10:48.389 --> 00:10:51.843 and getting to the starting line of normal is not it. 00:10:51.867 --> 00:10:54.507 My struggle is not to escape the storm. 00:10:54.531 --> 00:10:59.534 My struggle is to find the eye of the storm as best I can. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:59.558 --> 00:11:04.314 Now, apart from the usual way us spectrum types find our calm -- 00:11:04.338 --> 00:11:08.260 repetitive behaviors, routine and obsessive thinking -- 00:11:08.284 --> 00:11:13.745 I have another surprising doorway into the eye of the storm: 00:11:14.574 --> 00:11:16.310 stand-up comedy. 00:11:16.334 --> 00:11:19.963 And if you need any more proof I'm neurodivergent, yes, 00:11:19.987 --> 00:11:24.928 I am calm doing a thing that scares the hell out of most people. 00:11:24.952 --> 00:11:27.225 I'm almost dead inside up here. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:27.249 --> 00:11:31.048 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:11:31.072 --> 00:11:34.976 Diagnosis gave me a framework on which to hang bits of me 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:36.488 I could never understand. 00:11:36.512 --> 00:11:38.653 My misfit suddenly had a fit, 00:11:38.677 --> 00:11:41.378 and for a while, I got giddy with a newfound confidence 00:11:41.402 --> 00:11:43.420 I had in my thinking. 00:11:43.444 --> 00:11:46.579 But after Grandma died, that confidence took a dive, 00:11:47.636 --> 00:11:51.107 because thinking is how I grieve. 00:11:51.131 --> 00:11:52.831 And in that grief of thought, 00:11:52.855 --> 00:11:55.944 I could suddenly see with so much clarity 00:11:55.968 --> 00:12:00.801 just how profoundly isolated I was and always had been. 00:12:02.168 --> 00:12:05.741 What was the purpose of my human? NOTE Paragraph 00:12:06.644 --> 00:12:12.695 I began to think a lot about how autism and PTSD have so much in common. 00:12:12.719 --> 00:12:14.357 And I started to worry, 00:12:14.381 --> 00:12:16.113 because I had both. 00:12:16.137 --> 00:12:19.332 Could I ever untangle them? 00:12:20.499 --> 00:12:22.901 I'd always been told that the way out of trauma 00:12:22.925 --> 00:12:25.543 was through a cohesive narrative. 00:12:25.567 --> 00:12:28.164 I had a cohesive narrative, 00:12:28.188 --> 00:12:30.535 but I was still at the mercy of my traumas. 00:12:31.301 --> 00:12:35.144 They're all part of my soup, but the onions still stung. 00:12:35.168 --> 00:12:37.672 And at that point, I realized 00:12:37.696 --> 00:12:40.392 that I'd been telling my stories for laughs. 00:12:40.416 --> 00:12:43.254 I'd been trimming away the darkness, cutting away the pain 00:12:43.278 --> 00:12:47.346 and holding on to my trauma for the comfort of my audience. 00:12:48.021 --> 00:12:50.414 I was connecting other people through laughs, 00:12:50.438 --> 00:12:53.701 yet I remained profoundly disconnected. 00:12:53.725 --> 00:12:56.871 What was the purpose of my human? 00:12:56.895 --> 00:12:58.633 I did not have an answer, 00:12:58.657 --> 00:13:00.602 but I had an idea. 00:13:00.626 --> 00:13:02.952 I had an idea to tell my truth, 00:13:04.032 --> 00:13:05.747 all of it, 00:13:05.771 --> 00:13:11.001 not to share laughs but to share the literal, visceral pain of my trauma. 00:13:11.025 --> 00:13:14.332 And I thought the best way to do that would be through a comedy show. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:14.356 --> 00:13:16.203 And that is what I did. 00:13:16.227 --> 00:13:19.963 I wrote a comedy show that did not respect the punchline, 00:13:19.987 --> 00:13:23.687 that line where comedians are expected and trusted to pull their punches 00:13:23.711 --> 00:13:25.266 and turn them into tickles. 00:13:25.290 --> 00:13:26.475 I did not stop. 00:13:26.499 --> 00:13:28.119 I punched through that line 00:13:28.143 --> 00:13:31.636 into the metaphorical guts of my audience. 00:13:31.660 --> 00:13:34.132 I did not want to make them laugh. 00:13:34.900 --> 00:13:37.038 I wanted to take their breath away, 00:13:37.062 --> 00:13:38.216 to shock them, 00:13:38.240 --> 00:13:42.333 so they could listen to my story and hold my pain 00:13:42.357 --> 00:13:46.826 as individuals, not as a mindless, laughing mob. 00:13:46.850 --> 00:13:50.393 And that's what I did, and I called that show "Nanette." 00:13:50.417 --> 00:13:51.774 Now, many -- NOTE Paragraph 00:13:51.798 --> 00:13:56.382 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:13:57.615 --> 00:13:59.638 Now, many have argued 00:13:59.662 --> 00:14:02.243 that "Nanette" is not a comedy show. 00:14:02.267 --> 00:14:07.180 And while I can agree "Nanette" is definitely not a comedy show, 00:14:07.204 --> 00:14:08.922 those people are still wrong -- NOTE Paragraph 00:14:08.946 --> 00:14:10.390 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:14:10.414 --> 00:14:12.273 because they have framed their argument 00:14:12.297 --> 00:14:16.074 as a way of saying I failed to do comedy. 00:14:16.780 --> 00:14:20.357 I did not fail to do comedy. 00:14:20.381 --> 00:14:23.659 I took everything I knew about comedy -- 00:14:23.683 --> 00:14:26.547 all the tricks, the tools, the know-how -- 00:14:26.571 --> 00:14:29.987 I took all that, and with it, I broke comedy. 00:14:30.011 --> 00:14:32.927 You cannot break comedy with comedy 00:14:32.951 --> 00:14:35.068 if you fail at comedy. 00:14:35.092 --> 00:14:37.175 Flaccid be thy hammer. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:37.199 --> 00:14:43.954 (Laughter) (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:14:43.978 --> 00:14:45.233 That was not my point. 00:14:45.257 --> 00:14:48.921 The point was not simply to break comedy. 00:14:49.913 --> 00:14:53.957 The point was to break comedy so I could rebuild it and reshape it, 00:14:53.981 --> 00:14:57.736 reform it into something that could better hold everything 00:14:57.760 --> 00:14:59.503 I needed to share, 00:14:59.527 --> 00:15:03.188 and that is what I meant when I said I quit comedy. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:04.919 --> 00:15:08.008 Now, it's probably at this point where you're going, "Yeah, cool, 00:15:08.032 --> 00:15:10.443 but what are the three ideas, exactly? 00:15:10.467 --> 00:15:12.365 It's a bit vague." NOTE Paragraph 00:15:12.389 --> 00:15:14.470 I'm glad I pretended you asked. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:14.494 --> 00:15:18.852 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:15:18.876 --> 00:15:24.282 Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you who have already identified three ideas. 00:15:24.306 --> 00:15:27.008 A smart crowd, by all accounts, 00:15:27.032 --> 00:15:29.104 so I wouldn't be surprised at all. 00:15:29.128 --> 00:15:33.100 But you might be surprised to find out that I don't have three ideas. 00:15:33.124 --> 00:15:36.711 I told you I had three ideas, and that was a lie. 00:15:36.735 --> 00:15:39.873 That was pure misdirection -- I'm very funny. 00:15:39.897 --> 00:15:46.573 What I've done instead is I've taken whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds, 00:15:46.597 --> 00:15:49.157 and I've scattered them all throughout my talk. 00:15:50.022 --> 00:15:51.678 And why did I do that? 00:15:51.702 --> 00:15:53.449 Well, apart from shits and giggles, 00:15:54.530 --> 00:15:57.755 it comes down to something my grandma always used to say. 00:15:59.386 --> 00:16:04.323 "It's not the garden, it's the gardening that counts." 00:16:04.347 --> 00:16:08.106 And "Nanette" taught me the truth to that truism. 00:16:08.130 --> 00:16:11.104 I fully expected by breaking the contract of comedy 00:16:11.128 --> 00:16:15.578 and telling my story in all its truth and pain 00:16:16.442 --> 00:16:21.393 that that would push me further into the margins of both life and art. 00:16:21.771 --> 00:16:27.805 I expected that, and I was willing to pay that cost in order to tell my truth. 00:16:28.448 --> 00:16:30.582 But that is not what happened. 00:16:30.606 --> 00:16:34.409 The world did not push me away. It pulled me closer. 00:16:35.091 --> 00:16:39.253 Through an act of disconnection, I found connection. 00:16:39.801 --> 00:16:41.796 And it took me a long time to understand 00:16:41.820 --> 00:16:44.317 that what is at the heart of that contradiction 00:16:44.341 --> 00:16:47.237 is also at the heart of the contradiction 00:16:47.261 --> 00:16:51.561 as to why I can be so good at something I am so bad at. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:53.284 --> 00:16:54.988 You see, in the real world, 00:16:55.012 --> 00:16:56.561 I struggle to talk to people 00:16:56.585 --> 00:17:03.249 because my neurodiversity makes it difficult for me to think, 00:17:04.011 --> 00:17:06.652 listen, speak and process new information 00:17:06.676 --> 00:17:07.992 all at the same time. 00:17:08.532 --> 00:17:10.769 But onstage, I don't have to think. 00:17:10.793 --> 00:17:13.053 I prepare my thinks well in advance. 00:17:13.694 --> 00:17:16.064 I don't have to listen. That is your job. NOTE Paragraph 00:17:16.088 --> 00:17:17.598 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:17:17.622 --> 00:17:20.043 And I don't really have to talk, 00:17:20.067 --> 00:17:22.934 because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting. 00:17:23.646 --> 00:17:25.854 So all that is left 00:17:26.822 --> 00:17:29.290 is for me to do my best 00:17:29.938 --> 00:17:33.644 to make a genuine connection with my audience. 00:17:35.761 --> 00:17:38.894 And if the experience of "Nanette" taught me anything, 00:17:38.918 --> 00:17:43.252 it's that connection depends not just on me. 00:17:43.921 --> 00:17:46.321 You play a part. 00:17:47.371 --> 00:17:50.048 "Nanette" may have begun in me, 00:17:50.072 --> 00:17:54.352 but she now lives and grows in a whole world of other minds, 00:17:54.376 --> 00:17:56.766 minds I do not share. 00:17:56.790 --> 00:17:59.076 But I trust I am connected. 00:18:00.592 --> 00:18:03.883 And in that, she is so much bigger than me, 00:18:03.907 --> 00:18:09.072 just like the purpose of being human is so much bigger than all of us. 00:18:09.096 --> 00:18:10.498 Make of that what you will. NOTE Paragraph 00:18:10.522 --> 00:18:12.483 Thank you, and hello. NOTE Paragraph 00:18:12.507 --> 00:18:19.480 (Applause)