[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.90,0:00:02.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name is Hannah.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.55,0:00:04.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that is a palindrome.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.14,0:00:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is a word you can spell\Nthe same forwards and backwards,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.94,0:00:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you can spell.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.45,0:00:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the thing is --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.78,0:00:16.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.11,0:00:19.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my entire family have palindromic names.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.32,0:00:20.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a bit of a tradition.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.15,0:00:24.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got Mum, Dad --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.29,0:00:26.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.33,0:00:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.56,0:00:30.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.45,0:00:33.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my brother, Kayak.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.84,0:00:35.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.30,0:00:36.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.61,0:00:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's just a bit a joke, there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.77,0:00:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.90,0:00:43.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to kick things off with a joke\Nbecause I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.35,0:00:45.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now there's two things\Nyou know about me already:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.76,0:00:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.56,0:00:48.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm wasting no time.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.96,0:00:51.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a third thing\Nyou can know about me:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.43,0:00:55.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think I'm qualified\Nto speak my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.43,0:00:57.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bold way to begin a talk, yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.01,0:00:59.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's true.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.73,0:01:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always had a great deal of difficulty
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.01,0:01:04.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,turning my thinking into the talking.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.63,0:01:07.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it seems a bit\Nof a contradiction, then,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.73,0:01:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that someone like me,\Nwho is so bad at the chat,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.18,0:01:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could be something like\Na stand-up comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.37,0:01:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there you go. There you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.30,0:01:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.99,0:01:20.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand at stand-up\Ncomedi -- comedie ... See?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.01,0:01:22.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? See?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.20,0:01:25.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.05,0:01:27.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.01,0:01:29.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my late 20s,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.20,0:01:34.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and despite being a pathologically shy\Nvirtual mute with low self-esteem
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.62,0:01:36.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who'd never held a microphone before,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.71,0:01:41.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew as soon as I walked\Nand stood in front of the audience,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.53,0:01:44.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew, before I'd even\Nlanded my first joke,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.51,0:01:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew that I really liked stand-up,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.56,0:01:49.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and stand-up really liked me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.12,0:01:53.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for the life of me,\NI couldn't work out why.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.59,0:01:58.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is it I could be so good\Nat doing something I was so bad at?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.85,0:02:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.06,0:02:03.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just couldn't work it out,\NI could not understand it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.10,0:02:05.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is, until I could.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.08,0:02:07.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, before I explain to you why it is
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.98,0:02:11.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I can be good\Nat something I'm so bad at,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.26,0:02:14.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me throw another spanner\Nof contradiction into the work
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.13,0:02:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by telling you that not long after\NI worked out why that was,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.43,0:02:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided to quit comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.01,0:02:23.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before I explain\Nthat little oppositional cat
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.76,0:02:26.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.49,0:02:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me also tell you this:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.08,0:02:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,quitting launched my comedy career.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.96,0:02:33.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.94,0:02:38.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, really launched it, to the point\Nwhere after quitting comedy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.04,0:02:40.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became the most talked-about\Ncomedian on the planet,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.100,0:02:44.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because apparently, I'm even worse\Nat making retirement plans
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.65,0:02:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than I am at speaking my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.57,0:02:52.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, all I've done up until this point
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.38,0:02:56.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,apart from giving over a spattering\Nof biographical detail
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.17,0:02:58.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to tell you indirectly\Nthat I have three ideas
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.50,0:03:00.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I want to share with you today.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.28,0:03:03.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've done that by way of sharing\Nthree contradictions:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.73,0:03:06.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one, I am bad at talking,\NI am good at talking;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.95,0:03:09.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quit, I did not quit.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.72,0:03:11.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Three ideas, three contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.58,0:03:14.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you're wondering\Nwhy there's only two things
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.08,0:03:15.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on my so-called list of three --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.64,0:03:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.69,0:03:19.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remind you it is literally\Na list of contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.24,0:03:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Keep up.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.43,0:03:22.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.98,0:03:27.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the folks at TED advised me\Nthat with a talk of this length,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.48,0:03:30.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's best to stick\Nwith just sharing one idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.96,0:03:32.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said no.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.45,0:03:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.94,0:03:37.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What would they know?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.74,0:03:42.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To explain why I have chosen to ignore\Nwhat is clearly very good advice,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.82,0:03:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to take you back\Nto the beginning of this talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.38,0:03:47.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,specifically, my palindrome joke.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.05,0:03:51.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now that joke uses my favorite trick\Nof the comedian trade,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.19,0:03:52.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rule of three,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.38,0:03:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereby you make a statement
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.86,0:03:55.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then back that statement up
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.41,0:03:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a list.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.59,0:03:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My entire family have palindromic names:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.24,0:04:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.24,0:04:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first two ideas on that list\Ncreate a pattern,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.21,0:04:08.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that pattern creates expectation.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.45,0:04:11.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the third thing -- bam! --\NKayak. What?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.34,0:04:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the rule of three.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.69,0:04:15.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, two, surprise! Ha ha.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.11,0:04:18.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.85,0:04:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the rule of three is not only\Nfundamental to the way I do my craft,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.72,0:04:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is also fundamental\Nto the way I communicate.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.40,0:04:31.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I won't be changing\Nanything for nobody,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.06,0:04:32.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not even TED,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.24,0:04:35.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which, I will point out,\Nstands for three ideas:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.52,0:04:37.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,technology, entertainment
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.43,0:04:38.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and dickheads.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.70,0:04:41.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.69,0:04:43.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Works every time, doesn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.71,0:04:47.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you need more than just jokes
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.79,0:04:50.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be able to cut it\Nas a professional comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.17,0:04:54.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to be able to walk\Nthat fine line between being charming
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.08,0:04:55.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and disarming.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.62,0:05:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I discovered the most effective way\Nto generate the amount of charm I needed
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.01,0:05:05.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to offset my disarming personality
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.54,0:05:07.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was through not jokes but stories.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.88,0:05:10.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my stand-up routines\Nare filled with stories:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.17,0:05:12.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about growing up,\Nmy coming out story,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.47,0:05:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about the abuse I've copped\Nfor being not only a woman
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.73,0:05:19.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but a big woman\Nand a masculine-of-center woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.37,0:05:22.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you watch my work online,\Ncheck the comments out below
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.66,0:05:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for examples of abuse.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.34,0:05:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.14,0:05:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's that time in the talk\Nwhere I shift into second gear,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.42,0:05:34.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to tell you a story\Nabout everything I've just said.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.82,0:05:37.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the last few days of her life,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.06,0:05:40.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my grandma was surrounded by people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.07,0:05:41.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.80,0:05:44.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my grandma\Nwas the loving matriarch
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.30,0:05:46.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a large and loving family.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.21,0:05:49.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you haven't made\Nthe connection already,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.52,0:05:51.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a member of that family.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.85,0:05:54.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was lucky enough to be able\Nto say goodbye to my grandma
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.96,0:05:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the day she died.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.90,0:05:59.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as she was already\Ncocooned within herself by then,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.92,0:06:02.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.85,0:06:06.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought about a lot of things,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.81,0:06:09.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things I hadn't thought about\Nin a long time,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.71,0:06:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like the letters I used\Nto write to my grandma
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.94,0:06:13.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I first started university,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.82,0:06:16.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,letters I filled with funny\Nstories and anecdotes
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.60,0:06:18.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I embellished for her amusement.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.02,0:06:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I remembered how I couldn't articulate
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.66,0:06:27.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the anxiety and fear that filled me\Nas I tried to carve my tiny little life
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.45,0:06:30.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a world that felt far too big for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.21,0:06:34.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I remembered finding\Ncomfort in those letters,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.23,0:06:37.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I wrote them\Nwith my grandma in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.00,0:06:40.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as the world got\Nmore and more overwhelming
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.76,0:06:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my ability to negotiate it\Ngot worse, not better,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.77,0:06:47.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stopped writing those letters.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.04,0:06:53.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just didn't think I had the life\Nthat Grandma would want to read about.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.16,0:06:56.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grandma did not know I was gay,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.53,0:06:58.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and about six months before she died,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.51,0:07:01.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of nowhere, she asked me\Nif I had a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.14,0:07:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I remember making\Na conscious decision in that moment
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.74,0:07:07.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to come out to my grandmother.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.88,0:07:12.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I did that because I knew her life\Nwas drawing to an end,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.23,0:07:13.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my time with her was finite,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.93,0:07:16.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did not want to talk about\Nthe ways we were different.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.76,0:07:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to talk about\Nthe ways were we connected.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.60,0:07:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I changed the subject.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.06,0:07:25.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the time, it felt\Nlike the right decision.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.37,0:07:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as I sat witness\Nto my grandmother's life
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.16,0:07:31.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as it tapered to its inevitable end,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.68,0:07:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't help but feel\NI'd made a mistake
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.10,0:07:37.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to share such a significant\Npart of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.25,0:07:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I also knew that\NI'd missed my opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.13,0:07:45.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as Grandma always used to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.23,0:07:47.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.91,0:07:50.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Too late to take the onions out now."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.04,0:07:52.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.41,0:07:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought about that,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.88,0:07:57.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought about how\NI had to deal with too many onions
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.77,0:07:59.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a kid,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.72,0:08:04.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growing up gay in a state\Nwhere homosexuality was illegal.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.38,0:08:07.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with that thought,\NI could see how tightly wrapped
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.12,0:08:10.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the tendrils of my own\Ninternalized shame I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.95,0:08:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with that, I thought\Nabout all my traumas:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.81,0:08:16.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the violence, the abuse, my rape.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.09,0:08:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with all that cluster of thinking,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.36,0:08:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a thought, a question,\Nkept popping into my mind
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.52,0:08:27.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to which I had no answer:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.81,0:08:30.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.74,0:08:35.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Out of anyone in my family,\NI felt the most akin to my grandmother.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.15,0:08:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, we share the most\Ntraits in common.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.25,0:08:40.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not so much these days.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.92,0:08:42.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Death really changes people.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.58,0:08:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.77,0:08:44.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.86,0:08:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is my grandmother's sense of humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.22,0:08:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the person I felt\Nmost akin to in the world
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.89,0:08:52.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a mother, a grandmother,\Na great-grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.30,0:08:53.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a great-great-grandmother.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.74,0:08:58.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Me? I represented the very end\Nof my branch of the family tree.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.28,0:09:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wasn't entirely sure\NI was still connected to the trunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.24,0:09:04.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.96,0:09:10.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The year after my grandmother's death\Nwas the most intensely creative
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.83,0:09:11.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.01,0:09:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I suppose that's because,\Nat an end, my thoughts gather
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.44,0:09:16.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more than they scatter.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.47,0:09:19.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My thought process is not linear.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.75,0:09:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.29,0:09:24.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have a photographic memory,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.07,0:09:30.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and nor is my head a static gallery\Nof sensibly collected think pieces.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.04,0:09:35.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's more that I've got this ever-evolving\Nlanguage of hieroglyphics
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.03,0:09:36.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I've developed
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.21,0:09:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and can understand fluently\Nand think deeply with.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.94,0:09:41.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I struggle to translate.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.17,0:09:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't paint, draw, sculpt,\Nor even haberdash,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.51,0:09:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as for the written word,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.33,0:09:53.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous\Nprocess of translation,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.54,0:09:56.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't feel it does the job.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.33,0:10:00.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as far as speaking my own mind,\Nlike I said, I'm not great at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.80,0:10:03.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speech has always felt\Nlike an inadequate freeze-frame
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.00,0:10:06.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the life inside of me.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.92,0:10:08.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All this to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.11,0:10:13.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always understood far more\Nthan I've ever been able to communicate.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.99,0:10:16.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, about a year before Grandma died,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.10,0:10:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was formally diagnosed with autism.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.16,0:10:21.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now for me, that was mostly good news.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.25,0:10:26.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always thought that I couldn't\Nsort my life out like a normal person
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.02,0:10:29.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was depressed and anxious.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.68,0:10:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it turns out
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.16,0:10:32.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was depressed and anxious
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.76,0:10:36.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I couldn't sort my life out\Nlike a normal person,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.08,0:10:38.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was not a normal person,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.44,0:10:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.20,0:10:42.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this is not to say\NI still don't struggle.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.44,0:10:44.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every day is a bit of a struggle,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.16,0:10:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be honest.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.35,0:10:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at least now I know\Nwhat my struggle is,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.39,0:10:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and getting to the starting line\Nof normal is not it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.87,0:10:54.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is not to escape the storm.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.53,0:10:59.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is to find the eye\Nof the storm as best I can.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.56,0:11:04.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, apart from the usual way\Nus spectrum types find our calm --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.34,0:11:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,repetitive behaviors, routine\Nand obsessive thinking --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.28,0:11:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have another surprising doorway\Ninto the eye of the storm:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.57,0:11:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stand-up comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.33,0:11:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you need any more proof\NI'm neurodivergent, yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.99,0:11:24.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am calm doing a thing\Nthat scares the hell out of most people.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.95,0:11:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm almost dead inside up here.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.25,0:11:31.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.07,0:11:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Diagnosis gave me a framework\Non which to hang bits of me
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.00,0:11:36.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could never understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.51,0:11:38.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My misfit suddenly had a fit,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.68,0:11:41.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for a while, I got giddy\Nwith a newfound confidence
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.40,0:11:43.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had in my thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.44,0:11:46.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But after Grandma died,\Nthat confidence took a dive,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.64,0:11:51.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because thinking is how I grieve.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.13,0:11:52.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in that grief of thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.86,0:11:55.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could suddenly see with so much clarity
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.97,0:12:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just how profoundly isolated I was\Nand always had been.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.17,0:12:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.64,0:12:12.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to think a lot about how autism\Nand PTSD have so much in common.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.72,0:12:14.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I started to worry,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.38,0:12:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I had both.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.14,0:12:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could I ever untangle them?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.50,0:12:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd always been told\Nthat the way out of trauma
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.92,0:12:25.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was through a cohesive narrative.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.57,0:12:28.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a cohesive narrative,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.19,0:12:30.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I was still at the mercy\Nof my traumas.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.30,0:12:35.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're all part of my soup,\Nbut the onions still stung.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.17,0:12:37.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at that point, I realized
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.70,0:12:40.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'd been telling\Nmy stories for laughs.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.42,0:12:43.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd been trimming away the darkness,\Ncutting away the pain
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.28,0:12:47.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and holding on to my trauma\Nfor the comfort of my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.02,0:12:50.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was connecting\Nother people through laughs,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.44,0:12:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yet I remained profoundly disconnected.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.72,0:12:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.90,0:12:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not have an answer,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.66,0:13:00.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had an idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.63,0:13:02.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had an idea to tell my truth,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.03,0:13:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.77,0:13:11.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to share laughs but to share\Nthe literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.02,0:13:14.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought the best way to do that\Nwould be through a comedy show.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.36,0:13:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that is what I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.23,0:13:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote a comedy show\Nthat did not respect the punchline,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.99,0:13:23.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that line where comedians are expected\Nand trusted to pull their punches
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.71,0:13:25.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and turn them into tickles.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.29,0:13:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.50,0:13:28.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I punched through that line
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.14,0:13:31.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the metaphorical guts of my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.66,0:13:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not want to make them laugh.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.90,0:13:37.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to take their breath away,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.06,0:13:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shock them,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.24,0:13:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so they could listen to my story\Nand hold my pain
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.36,0:13:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as individuals, not\Nas a mindless, laughing mob.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.85,0:13:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's what I did,\Nand I called that show "Nanette."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.42,0:13:51.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, many --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.80,0:13:56.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.62,0:13:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, many have argued
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.66,0:14:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.27,0:14:07.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while I can agree "Nanette"\Nis definitely not a comedy show,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.20,0:14:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those people are still wrong --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.95,0:14:10.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.41,0:14:12.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they have framed their argument
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.30,0:14:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.78,0:14:20.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not fail to do comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.38,0:14:23.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took everything I knew about comedy --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.68,0:14:26.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.57,0:14:29.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took all that, and with it,\NI broke comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.01,0:14:32.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot break comedy with comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.95,0:14:35.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you fail at comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.09,0:14:37.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Flaccid be thy hammer.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.20,0:14:43.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) (Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.98,0:14:45.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was not my point.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:45.26,0:14:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The point was not simply to break comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.91,0:14:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The point was to break comedy\Nso I could rebuild it and reshape it,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.98,0:14:57.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reform it into something\Nthat could better hold everything
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.76,0:14:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I needed to share,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.53,0:15:03.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is what I meant\Nwhen I said I quit comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.92,0:15:08.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, it's probably at this point\Nwhere you're going, "Yeah, cool,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.03,0:15:10.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but what are the three ideas, exactly?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.47,0:15:12.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a bit vague."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.39,0:15:14.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm glad I pretended you asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.49,0:15:18.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.88,0:15:24.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you\Nwho have already identified three ideas.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.31,0:15:27.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A smart crowd, by all accounts,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.03,0:15:29.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I wouldn't be surprised at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.13,0:15:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you might be surprised to find out\Nthat I don't have three ideas.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.12,0:15:36.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told you I had three ideas,\Nand that was a lie.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.74,0:15:39.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was pure misdirection --\NI'm very funny.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.90,0:15:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I've done instead is I've taken\Nwhole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.60,0:15:49.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've scattered them\Nall throughout my talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.02,0:15:51.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why did I do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.70,0:15:53.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, apart from shits and giggles,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.53,0:15:57.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it comes down to something\Nmy grandma always used to say.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:59.39,0:16:04.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's not the garden,\Nit's the gardening that counts."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.35,0:16:08.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And "Nanette" taught me\Nthe truth to that truism.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.13,0:16:11.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fully expected by breaking\Nthe contract of comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.13,0:16:15.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and telling my story\Nin all its truth and pain
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.44,0:16:21.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that would push me further\Ninto the margins of both life and art.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.77,0:16:27.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected that, and I was willing to pay\Nthat cost in order to tell my truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.45,0:16:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that is not what happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.61,0:16:34.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The world did not push me away.\NIt pulled me closer.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.09,0:16:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Through an act of disconnection,\NI found connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.80,0:16:41.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it took me a long time to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.82,0:16:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that what is at the heart\Nof that contradiction
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.34,0:16:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is also at the heart of the contradiction
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.26,0:16:51.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as to why I can be so good\Nat something I am so bad at.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.28,0:16:54.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, in the real world,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.01,0:16:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I struggle to talk to people
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.58,0:17:03.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my neurodiversity\Nmakes it difficult for me to think,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.01,0:17:06.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,listen, speak and process new information
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.68,0:17:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all at the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.53,0:17:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But onstage, I don't have to think.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.79,0:17:13.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I prepare my thinks well in advance.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.69,0:17:16.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have to listen. That is your job.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.09,0:17:17.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.62,0:17:20.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't really have to talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.07,0:17:22.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.65,0:17:25.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So all that is left
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.82,0:17:29.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is for me to do my best
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.94,0:17:33.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make a genuine connection\Nwith my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.76,0:17:38.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the experience of "Nanette"\Ntaught me anything,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.92,0:17:43.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's that connection depends\Nnot just on me.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.92,0:17:46.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You play a part.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.37,0:17:50.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Nanette" may have begun in me,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.07,0:17:54.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but she now lives and grows\Nin a whole world of other minds,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.38,0:17:56.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,minds I do not share.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.79,0:17:59.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I trust I am connected.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.59,0:18:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in that, she is so much\Nbigger than me,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:03.91,0:18:09.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just like the purpose of being human\Nis so much bigger than all of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.10,0:18:10.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make of that what you will.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.52,0:18:12.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, and hello.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.51,0:18:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)