1
00:00:00,902 --> 00:00:02,530
My name is Hannah.

2
00:00:02,554 --> 00:00:04,652
And that is a palindrome.

3
00:00:05,140 --> 00:00:11,205
That is a word you can spell
the same forwards and backwards,

4
00:00:11,944 --> 00:00:13,429
if you can spell.

5
00:00:13,453 --> 00:00:14,755
But the thing is --

6
00:00:14,779 --> 00:00:16,053
(Laughter)

7
00:00:17,112 --> 00:00:19,296
my entire family have palindromic names.

8
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,634
It's a bit of a tradition.

9
00:00:21,152 --> 00:00:24,265
We've got Mum, Dad --

10
00:00:24,289 --> 00:00:26,304
(Laughter)

11
00:00:26,328 --> 00:00:28,538
Nan, Pop.

12
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,510
(Laughter)

13
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:33,812
And my brother, Kayak.

14
00:00:33,836 --> 00:00:35,276
(Laughter)

15
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:36,585
There you go.

16
00:00:36,609 --> 00:00:38,745
That's just a bit a joke, there.

17
00:00:38,769 --> 00:00:39,878
(Laughter)

18
00:00:39,902 --> 00:00:43,329
I like to kick things off with a joke
because I'm a comedian.

19
00:00:43,353 --> 00:00:45,734
Now there's two things
you know about me already:

20
00:00:45,758 --> 00:00:47,536
my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.

21
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,941
I'm wasting no time.

22
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,409
Here's a third thing
you can know about me:

23
00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:55,404
I don't think I'm qualified
to speak my own mind.

24
00:00:55,428 --> 00:00:57,987
Bold way to begin a talk, yes,

25
00:00:58,011 --> 00:00:59,702
but it's true.

26
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,985
I've always had a great deal of difficulty

27
00:01:02,009 --> 00:01:04,386
turning my thinking into the talking.

28
00:01:05,628 --> 00:01:07,709
So it seems a bit
of a contradiction, then,

29
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:10,154
that someone like me,
who is so bad at the chat,

30
00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:12,910
could be something like
a stand-up comedian.

31
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,280
But there you go. There you go.

32
00:01:15,304 --> 00:01:16,964
It's what it is.

33
00:01:16,988 --> 00:01:20,987
I first tried my hand at stand-up
comedi -- comedie ... See?

34
00:01:21,011 --> 00:01:22,174
See? See?

35
00:01:22,198 --> 00:01:25,028
(Laughter)

36
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,989
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy

37
00:01:28,013 --> 00:01:29,180
in my late 20s,

38
00:01:29,204 --> 00:01:34,592
and despite being a pathologically shy
virtual mute with low self-esteem

39
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,686
who'd never held a microphone before,

40
00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:41,510
I knew as soon as I walked
and stood in front of the audience,

41
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:44,489
I knew, before I'd even
landed my first joke,

42
00:01:44,513 --> 00:01:47,537
I knew that I really liked stand-up,

43
00:01:47,561 --> 00:01:49,637
and stand-up really liked me.

44
00:01:50,123 --> 00:01:53,570
But for the life of me,
I couldn't work out why.

45
00:01:53,594 --> 00:01:58,829
Why is it I could be so good
at doing something I was so bad at?

46
00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:00,040
(Laughter)

47
00:02:00,064 --> 00:02:03,074
I just couldn't work it out,
I could not understand it.

48
00:02:03,098 --> 00:02:05,057
That is, until I could.

49
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:07,952
Now, before I explain to you why it is

50
00:02:07,976 --> 00:02:11,232
that I can be good
at something I'm so bad at,

51
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,103
let me throw another spanner
of contradiction into the work

52
00:02:14,127 --> 00:02:18,407
by telling you that not long after
I worked out why that was,

53
00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:20,503
I decided to quit comedy.

54
00:02:21,009 --> 00:02:23,741
And before I explain
that little oppositional cat

55
00:02:23,765 --> 00:02:26,467
I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,

56
00:02:26,491 --> 00:02:29,060
let me also tell you this:

57
00:02:29,084 --> 00:02:31,937
quitting launched my comedy career.

58
00:02:31,961 --> 00:02:33,919
(Laughter)

59
00:02:33,943 --> 00:02:38,014
Like, really launched it, to the point
where after quitting comedy,

60
00:02:38,038 --> 00:02:40,972
I became the most talked-about
comedian on the planet,

61
00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:44,624
because apparently, I'm even worse
at making retirement plans

62
00:02:44,648 --> 00:02:47,145
than I am at speaking my own mind.

63
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:52,351
Now, all I've done up until this point

64
00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:56,147
apart from giving over a spattering
of biographical detail

65
00:02:56,171 --> 00:02:58,478
is to tell you indirectly
that I have three ideas

66
00:02:58,502 --> 00:03:00,258
that I want to share with you today.

67
00:03:00,282 --> 00:03:03,702
And I've done that by way of sharing
three contradictions:

68
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:06,927
one, I am bad at talking,
I am good at talking;

69
00:03:06,951 --> 00:03:09,694
I quit, I did not quit.

70
00:03:09,718 --> 00:03:11,555
Three ideas, three contradictions.

71
00:03:11,579 --> 00:03:14,060
Now, if you're wondering
why there's only two things

72
00:03:14,084 --> 00:03:15,611
on my so-called list of three --

73
00:03:15,635 --> 00:03:16,669
(Laughter)

74
00:03:16,693 --> 00:03:19,218
I remind you it is literally
a list of contradictions.

75
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:20,405
Keep up.

76
00:03:20,429 --> 00:03:22,953
(Laughter)

77
00:03:22,977 --> 00:03:27,458
Now, the folks at TED advised me
that with a talk of this length,

78
00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:30,234
it's best to stick
with just sharing one idea.

79
00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,429
I said no.

80
00:03:32,453 --> 00:03:35,919
(Laughter)

81
00:03:35,943 --> 00:03:37,321
What would they know?

82
00:03:37,737 --> 00:03:42,791
To explain why I have chosen to ignore
what is clearly very good advice,

83
00:03:42,815 --> 00:03:45,356
I want to take you back
to the beginning of this talk,

84
00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:47,028
specifically, my palindrome joke.

85
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:51,164
Now that joke uses my favorite trick
of the comedian trade,

86
00:03:51,188 --> 00:03:52,357
the rule of three,

87
00:03:52,381 --> 00:03:53,839
whereby you make a statement

88
00:03:53,863 --> 00:03:55,383
and then back that statement up

89
00:03:55,407 --> 00:03:56,565
with a list.

90
00:03:56,589 --> 00:03:59,220
My entire family have palindromic names:

91
00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:02,219
Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.

92
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:06,183
The first two ideas on that list
create a pattern,

93
00:04:06,207 --> 00:04:08,422
and that pattern creates expectation.

94
00:04:08,446 --> 00:04:11,316
And then the third thing -- bam! --
Kayak. What?

95
00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:12,670
That's the rule of three.

96
00:04:12,694 --> 00:04:15,085
One, two, surprise! Ha ha.

97
00:04:15,109 --> 00:04:18,337
(Laughter)

98
00:04:20,851 --> 00:04:25,694
Now, the rule of three is not only
fundamental to the way I do my craft,

99
00:04:25,718 --> 00:04:28,375
it is also fundamental
to the way I communicate.

100
00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:31,033
So I won't be changing
anything for nobody,

101
00:04:31,057 --> 00:04:32,213
not even TED,

102
00:04:32,237 --> 00:04:35,491
which, I will point out,
stands for three ideas:

103
00:04:35,515 --> 00:04:37,402
technology, entertainment

104
00:04:37,426 --> 00:04:38,672
and dickheads.

105
00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:41,664
(Laughter)

106
00:04:41,688 --> 00:04:43,604
Works every time, doesn't it?

107
00:04:45,713 --> 00:04:47,765
But you need more than just jokes

108
00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:50,147
to be able to cut it
as a professional comedian.

109
00:04:50,171 --> 00:04:54,061
You need to be able to walk
that fine line between being charming

110
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,593
and disarming.

111
00:04:55,617 --> 00:05:00,990
And I discovered the most effective way
to generate the amount of charm I needed

112
00:05:01,014 --> 00:05:05,511
to offset my disarming personality

113
00:05:05,535 --> 00:05:07,851
was through not jokes but stories.

114
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,145
So my stand-up routines
are filled with stories:

115
00:05:10,169 --> 00:05:12,449
stories about growing up,
my coming out story,

116
00:05:12,473 --> 00:05:15,705
stories about the abuse I've copped
for being not only a woman

117
00:05:15,729 --> 00:05:19,347
but a big woman
and a masculine-of-center woman.

118
00:05:19,371 --> 00:05:22,631
If you watch my work online,
check the comments out below

119
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,312
for examples of abuse.

120
00:05:25,336 --> 00:05:27,112
(Laughter)

121
00:05:27,136 --> 00:05:30,399
It's that time in the talk
where I shift into second gear,

122
00:05:30,423 --> 00:05:34,795
and I'm going to tell you a story
about everything I've just said.

123
00:05:34,819 --> 00:05:37,033
In the last few days of her life,

124
00:05:37,057 --> 00:05:40,050
my grandma was surrounded by people,

125
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:41,780
a lot of people,

126
00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:44,276
because my grandma
was the loving matriarch

127
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,770
of a large and loving family.

128
00:05:47,211 --> 00:05:49,497
Now, if you haven't made
the connection already,

129
00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:51,011
I am a member of that family.

130
00:05:51,854 --> 00:05:54,934
I was lucky enough to be able
to say goodbye to my grandma

131
00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:56,878
on the day she died.

132
00:05:56,902 --> 00:05:59,895
But as she was already
cocooned within herself by then,

133
00:05:59,919 --> 00:06:02,973
it was something of a one-sided goodbye.

134
00:06:03,853 --> 00:06:06,786
So I thought about a lot of things,

135
00:06:06,810 --> 00:06:09,685
things I hadn't thought about
in a long time,

136
00:06:09,709 --> 00:06:11,917
like the letters I used
to write to my grandma

137
00:06:11,941 --> 00:06:13,799
when I first started university,

138
00:06:13,823 --> 00:06:16,571
letters I filled with funny
stories and anecdotes

139
00:06:16,595 --> 00:06:18,998
that I embellished for her amusement.

140
00:06:19,022 --> 00:06:21,636
And I remembered how I couldn't articulate

141
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:27,425
the anxiety and fear that filled me
as I tried to carve my tiny little life

142
00:06:27,449 --> 00:06:30,556
into a world that felt far too big for me.

143
00:06:31,213 --> 00:06:34,209
But I remembered finding
comfort in those letters,

144
00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:37,250
because I wrote them
with my grandma in mind.

145
00:06:38,002 --> 00:06:40,733
But as the world got
more and more overwhelming

146
00:06:40,757 --> 00:06:44,744
and my ability to negotiate it
got worse, not better,

147
00:06:44,768 --> 00:06:47,466
I stopped writing those letters.

148
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:53,072
I just didn't think I had the life
that Grandma would want to read about.

149
00:06:54,162 --> 00:06:56,509
Grandma did not know I was gay,

150
00:06:56,533 --> 00:06:58,483
and about six months before she died,

151
00:06:58,507 --> 00:07:01,397
out of nowhere, she asked me
if I had a boyfriend.

152
00:07:02,139 --> 00:07:05,716
Now, I remember making
a conscious decision in that moment

153
00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:07,763
not to come out to my grandmother.

154
00:07:08,881 --> 00:07:12,208
And I did that because I knew her life
was drawing to an end,

155
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,904
and my time with her was finite,

156
00:07:13,928 --> 00:07:16,739
and I did not want to talk about
the ways we were different.

157
00:07:16,763 --> 00:07:19,903
I wanted to talk about
the ways were we connected.

158
00:07:20,595 --> 00:07:22,313
So I changed the subject.

159
00:07:23,061 --> 00:07:25,554
And at the time, it felt
like the right decision.

160
00:07:26,374 --> 00:07:29,138
But as I sat witness
to my grandmother's life

161
00:07:29,162 --> 00:07:31,654
as it tapered to its inevitable end,

162
00:07:31,678 --> 00:07:34,071
I couldn't help but feel
I'd made a mistake

163
00:07:34,095 --> 00:07:37,472
not to share such a significant
part of my life.

164
00:07:39,248 --> 00:07:43,105
But I also knew that
I'd missed my opportunity,

165
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,202
and as Grandma always used to say,

166
00:07:45,226 --> 00:07:47,886
"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.

167
00:07:47,910 --> 00:07:50,014
Too late to take the onions out now."

168
00:07:50,038 --> 00:07:52,390
(Laughter)

169
00:07:52,414 --> 00:07:53,859
And I thought about that,

170
00:07:53,883 --> 00:07:57,745
and I thought about how
I had to deal with too many onions

171
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,693
as a kid,

172
00:07:59,717 --> 00:08:04,352
growing up gay in a state
where homosexuality was illegal.

173
00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:07,091
And with that thought,
I could see how tightly wrapped

174
00:08:07,115 --> 00:08:10,928
in the tendrils of my own
internalized shame I was.

175
00:08:10,952 --> 00:08:13,785
And with that, I thought
about all my traumas:

176
00:08:13,809 --> 00:08:16,773
the violence, the abuse, my rape.

177
00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:22,331
And with all that cluster of thinking,

178
00:08:22,355 --> 00:08:25,498
a thought, a question,
kept popping into my mind

179
00:08:25,522 --> 00:08:27,789
to which I had no answer:

180
00:08:27,813 --> 00:08:30,483
What is the purpose of my human?

181
00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:35,183
Out of anyone in my family,
I felt the most akin to my grandmother.

182
00:08:36,154 --> 00:08:39,224
I mean, we share the most
traits in common.

183
00:08:39,248 --> 00:08:40,898
Not so much these days.

184
00:08:40,922 --> 00:08:42,560
Death really changes people.

185
00:08:42,584 --> 00:08:43,744
But that --

186
00:08:43,768 --> 00:08:44,831
(Laughter)

187
00:08:44,855 --> 00:08:47,191
is my grandmother's sense of humor.

188
00:08:47,215 --> 00:08:49,864
But the person I felt
most akin to in the world

189
00:08:49,888 --> 00:08:52,281
was a mother, a grandmother,
a great-grandmother,

190
00:08:52,305 --> 00:08:53,719
a great-great-grandmother.

191
00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:58,253
Me? I represented the very end
of my branch of the family tree.

192
00:08:58,277 --> 00:09:02,218
And I wasn't entirely sure
I was still connected to the trunk.

193
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,466
What was the purpose of my human?

194
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:10,802
The year after my grandmother's death
was the most intensely creative

195
00:09:10,826 --> 00:09:11,986
of my life.

196
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:15,416
And I suppose that's because,
at an end, my thoughts gather

197
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,897
more than they scatter.

198
00:09:17,466 --> 00:09:19,726
My thought process is not linear.

199
00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:22,265
I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.

200
00:09:22,289 --> 00:09:24,048
I don't have a photographic memory,

201
00:09:24,072 --> 00:09:30,020
and nor is my head a static gallery
of sensibly collected think pieces.

202
00:09:30,044 --> 00:09:35,007
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving
language of hieroglyphics

203
00:09:35,031 --> 00:09:36,184
that I've developed

204
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:39,916
and can understand fluently
and think deeply with.

205
00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:41,713
but I struggle to translate.

206
00:09:42,168 --> 00:09:45,488
I can't paint, draw, sculpt,
or even haberdash,

207
00:09:45,512 --> 00:09:48,303
and as for the written word,

208
00:09:48,327 --> 00:09:53,513
I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous
process of translation,

209
00:09:53,537 --> 00:09:56,302
and I don't feel it does the job.

210
00:09:56,326 --> 00:10:00,780
And as far as speaking my own mind,
like I said, I'm not great at it.

211
00:10:00,804 --> 00:10:03,980
Speech has always felt
like an inadequate freeze-frame

212
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,212
for the life inside of me.

213
00:10:06,919 --> 00:10:08,089
All this to say,

214
00:10:08,113 --> 00:10:13,023
I've always understood far more
than I've ever been able to communicate.

215
00:10:13,990 --> 00:10:16,075
Now, about a year before Grandma died,

216
00:10:16,099 --> 00:10:19,141
I was formally diagnosed with autism.

217
00:10:19,165 --> 00:10:21,276
Now for me, that was mostly good news.

218
00:10:22,248 --> 00:10:26,991
I always thought that I couldn't
sort my life out like a normal person

219
00:10:27,015 --> 00:10:29,661
because I was depressed and anxious.

220
00:10:29,685 --> 00:10:31,139
But it turns out

221
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,736
I was depressed and anxious

222
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,055
because I couldn't sort my life out
like a normal person,

223
00:10:36,079 --> 00:10:38,416
because I was not a normal person,

224
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,179
and I didn't know it.

225
00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:42,412
Now, this is not to say
I still don't struggle.

226
00:10:42,436 --> 00:10:44,140
Every day is a bit of a struggle,

227
00:10:44,164 --> 00:10:45,323
to be honest.

228
00:10:45,347 --> 00:10:48,365
But at least now I know
what my struggle is,

229
00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:51,843
and getting to the starting line
of normal is not it.

230
00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:54,507
My struggle is not to escape the storm.

231
00:10:54,531 --> 00:10:59,534
My struggle is to find the eye
of the storm as best I can.

232
00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:04,314
Now, apart from the usual way
us spectrum types find our calm --

233
00:11:04,338 --> 00:11:08,260
repetitive behaviors, routine
and obsessive thinking --

234
00:11:08,284 --> 00:11:13,745
I have another surprising doorway
into the eye of the storm:

235
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:16,310
stand-up comedy.

236
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:19,963
And if you need any more proof
I'm neurodivergent, yes,

237
00:11:19,987 --> 00:11:24,928
I am calm doing a thing
that scares the hell out of most people.

238
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,225
I'm almost dead inside up here.

239
00:11:27,249 --> 00:11:31,048
(Laughter)

240
00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:34,976
Diagnosis gave me a framework
on which to hang bits of me

241
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,488
I could never understand.

242
00:11:36,512 --> 00:11:38,653
My misfit suddenly had a fit,

243
00:11:38,677 --> 00:11:41,378
and for a while, I got giddy
with a newfound confidence

244
00:11:41,402 --> 00:11:43,420
I had in my thinking.

245
00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:46,579
But after Grandma died,
that confidence took a dive,

246
00:11:47,636 --> 00:11:51,107
because thinking is how I grieve.

247
00:11:51,131 --> 00:11:52,831
And in that grief of thought,

248
00:11:52,855 --> 00:11:55,944
I could suddenly see with so much clarity

249
00:11:55,968 --> 00:12:00,801
just how profoundly isolated I was
and always had been.

250
00:12:02,168 --> 00:12:05,741
What was the purpose of my human?

251
00:12:06,644 --> 00:12:12,695
I began to think a lot about how autism
and PTSD have so much in common.

252
00:12:12,719 --> 00:12:14,357
And I started to worry,

253
00:12:14,381 --> 00:12:16,113
because I had both.

254
00:12:16,137 --> 00:12:19,332
Could I ever untangle them?

255
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:22,901
I'd always been told
that the way out of trauma

256
00:12:22,925 --> 00:12:25,543
was through a cohesive narrative.

257
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:28,164
I had a cohesive narrative,

258
00:12:28,188 --> 00:12:30,535
but I was still at the mercy
of my traumas.

259
00:12:31,301 --> 00:12:35,144
They're all part of my soup,
but the onions still stung.

260
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,672
And at that point, I realized

261
00:12:37,696 --> 00:12:40,392
that I'd been telling
my stories for laughs.

262
00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:43,254
I'd been trimming away the darkness,
cutting away the pain

263
00:12:43,278 --> 00:12:47,346
and holding on to my trauma
for the comfort of my audience.

264
00:12:48,021 --> 00:12:50,414
I was connecting
other people through laughs,

265
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:53,701
yet I remained profoundly disconnected.

266
00:12:53,725 --> 00:12:56,871
What was the purpose of my human?

267
00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:58,633
I did not have an answer,

268
00:12:58,657 --> 00:13:00,602
but I had an idea.

269
00:13:00,626 --> 00:13:02,952
I had an idea to tell my truth,

270
00:13:04,032 --> 00:13:05,747
all of it,

271
00:13:05,771 --> 00:13:11,001
not to share laughs but to share
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.

272
00:13:11,025 --> 00:13:14,332
And I thought the best way to do that
would be through a comedy show.

273
00:13:14,356 --> 00:13:16,203
And that is what I did.

274
00:13:16,227 --> 00:13:19,963
I wrote a comedy show
that did not respect the punchline,

275
00:13:19,987 --> 00:13:23,687
that line where comedians are expected
and trusted to pull their punches

276
00:13:23,711 --> 00:13:25,266
and turn them into tickles.

277
00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:26,475
I did not stop.

278
00:13:26,499 --> 00:13:28,119
I punched through that line

279
00:13:28,143 --> 00:13:31,636
into the metaphorical guts of my audience.

280
00:13:31,660 --> 00:13:34,132
I did not want to make them laugh.

281
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,038
I wanted to take their breath away,

282
00:13:37,062 --> 00:13:38,216
to shock them,

283
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:42,333
so they could listen to my story
and hold my pain

284
00:13:42,357 --> 00:13:46,826
as individuals, not
as a mindless, laughing mob.

285
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:50,393
And that's what I did,
and I called that show "Nanette."

286
00:13:50,417 --> 00:13:51,774
Now, many --

287
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:56,382
(Applause)

288
00:13:57,615 --> 00:13:59,638
Now, many have argued

289
00:13:59,662 --> 00:14:02,243
that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.

290
00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:07,180
And while I can agree "Nanette"
is definitely not a comedy show,

291
00:14:07,204 --> 00:14:08,922
those people are still wrong --

292
00:14:08,946 --> 00:14:10,390
(Laughter)

293
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,273
because they have framed their argument

294
00:14:12,297 --> 00:14:16,074
as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.

295
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:20,357
I did not fail to do comedy.

296
00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:23,659
I took everything I knew about comedy --

297
00:14:23,683 --> 00:14:26,547
all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --

298
00:14:26,571 --> 00:14:29,987
I took all that, and with it,
I broke comedy.

299
00:14:30,011 --> 00:14:32,927
You cannot break comedy with comedy

300
00:14:32,951 --> 00:14:35,068
if you fail at comedy.

301
00:14:35,092 --> 00:14:37,175
Flaccid be thy hammer.

302
00:14:37,199 --> 00:14:43,954
(Laughter) (Applause)

303
00:14:43,978 --> 00:14:45,233
That was not my point.

304
00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:48,921
The point was not simply to break comedy.

305
00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:53,957
The point was to break comedy
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,

306
00:14:53,981 --> 00:14:57,736
reform it into something
that could better hold everything

307
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,503
I needed to share,

308
00:14:59,527 --> 00:15:03,188
and that is what I meant
when I said I quit comedy.

309
00:15:04,919 --> 00:15:08,008
Now, it's probably at this point
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,

310
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,443
but what are the three ideas, exactly?

311
00:15:10,467 --> 00:15:12,365
It's a bit vague."

312
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:14,470
I'm glad I pretended you asked.

313
00:15:14,494 --> 00:15:18,852
(Laughter)

314
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:24,282
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you
who have already identified three ideas.

315
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:27,008
A smart crowd, by all accounts,

316
00:15:27,032 --> 00:15:29,104
so I wouldn't be surprised at all.

317
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:33,100
But you might be surprised to find out
that I don't have three ideas.

318
00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:36,711
I told you I had three ideas,
and that was a lie.

319
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:39,873
That was pure misdirection --
I'm very funny.

320
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:46,573
What I've done instead is I've taken
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,

321
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:49,157
and I've scattered them
all throughout my talk.

322
00:15:50,022 --> 00:15:51,678
And why did I do that?

323
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:53,449
Well, apart from shits and giggles,

324
00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:57,755
it comes down to something
my grandma always used to say.

325
00:15:59,386 --> 00:16:04,323
"It's not the garden,
it's the gardening that counts."

326
00:16:04,347 --> 00:16:08,106
And "Nanette" taught me
the truth to that truism.

327
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:11,104
I fully expected by breaking
the contract of comedy

328
00:16:11,128 --> 00:16:15,578
and telling my story
in all its truth and pain

329
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:21,393
that that would push me further
into the margins of both life and art.

330
00:16:21,771 --> 00:16:27,805
I expected that, and I was willing to pay
that cost in order to tell my truth.

331
00:16:28,448 --> 00:16:30,582
But that is not what happened.

332
00:16:30,606 --> 00:16:34,409
The world did not push me away.
It pulled me closer.

333
00:16:35,091 --> 00:16:39,253
Through an act of disconnection,
I found connection.

334
00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:41,796
And it took me a long time to understand

335
00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:44,317
that what is at the heart
of that contradiction

336
00:16:44,341 --> 00:16:47,237
is also at the heart of the contradiction

337
00:16:47,261 --> 00:16:51,561
as to why I can be so good
at something I am so bad at.

338
00:16:53,284 --> 00:16:54,988
You see, in the real world,

339
00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,561
I struggle to talk to people

340
00:16:56,585 --> 00:17:03,249
because my neurodiversity
makes it difficult for me to think,

341
00:17:04,011 --> 00:17:06,652
listen, speak and process new information

342
00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:07,992
all at the same time.

343
00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:10,769
But onstage, I don't have to think.

344
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:13,053
I prepare my thinks well in advance.

345
00:17:13,694 --> 00:17:16,064
I don't have to listen. That is your job.

346
00:17:16,088 --> 00:17:17,598
(Laughter)

347
00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:20,043
And I don't really have to talk,

348
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,934
because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.

349
00:17:23,646 --> 00:17:25,854
So all that is left

350
00:17:26,822 --> 00:17:29,290
is for me to do my best

351
00:17:29,938 --> 00:17:33,644
to make a genuine connection
with my audience.

352
00:17:35,761 --> 00:17:38,894
And if the experience of "Nanette"
taught me anything,

353
00:17:38,918 --> 00:17:43,252
it's that connection depends
not just on me.

354
00:17:43,921 --> 00:17:46,321
You play a part.

355
00:17:47,371 --> 00:17:50,048
"Nanette" may have begun in me,

356
00:17:50,072 --> 00:17:54,352
but she now lives and grows
in a whole world of other minds,

357
00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:56,766
minds I do not share.

358
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:59,076
But I trust I am connected.

359
00:18:00,592 --> 00:18:03,883
And in that, she is so much
bigger than me,

360
00:18:03,907 --> 00:18:09,072
just like the purpose of being human
is so much bigger than all of us.

361
00:18:09,096 --> 00:18:10,498
Make of that what you will.

362
00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:12,483
Thank you, and hello.

363
00:18:12,507 --> 00:18:19,480
(Applause)