0:00:00.902,0:00:02.530
My name is Hannah.

0:00:02.554,0:00:04.652
And that is a palindrome.

0:00:05.140,0:00:11.205
That is a word you can spell[br]the same forwards and backwards,

0:00:11.944,0:00:13.429
if you can spell.

0:00:13.453,0:00:14.755
But the thing is --

0:00:14.779,0:00:16.053
(Laughter)

0:00:17.112,0:00:19.296
my entire family have palindromic names.

0:00:19.320,0:00:20.634
It's a bit of a tradition.

0:00:21.152,0:00:24.265
We've got Mum, Dad --

0:00:24.289,0:00:26.304
(Laughter)

0:00:26.328,0:00:28.538
Nan, Pop.

0:00:28.562,0:00:30.510
(Laughter)

0:00:31.447,0:00:33.812
And my brother, Kayak.

0:00:33.836,0:00:35.276
(Laughter)

0:00:35.300,0:00:36.585
There you go.

0:00:36.609,0:00:38.745
That's just a bit a joke, there.

0:00:38.769,0:00:39.878
(Laughter)

0:00:39.902,0:00:43.329
I like to kick things off with a joke[br]because I'm a comedian.

0:00:43.353,0:00:45.734
Now there's two things[br]you know about me already:

0:00:45.758,0:00:47.536
my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.

0:00:47.560,0:00:48.941
I'm wasting no time.

0:00:48.965,0:00:51.409
Here's a third thing[br]you can know about me:

0:00:51.433,0:00:55.404
I don't think I'm qualified[br]to speak my own mind.

0:00:55.428,0:00:57.987
Bold way to begin a talk, yes,

0:00:58.011,0:00:59.702
but it's true.

0:00:59.726,0:01:01.985
I've always had a great deal of difficulty

0:01:02.009,0:01:04.386
turning my thinking into the talking.

0:01:05.628,0:01:07.709
So it seems a bit[br]of a contradiction, then,

0:01:07.733,0:01:10.154
that someone like me,[br]who is so bad at the chat,

0:01:10.178,0:01:12.910
could be something like[br]a stand-up comedian.

0:01:13.373,0:01:15.280
But there you go. There you go.

0:01:15.304,0:01:16.964
It's what it is.

0:01:16.988,0:01:20.987
I first tried my hand at stand-up[br]comedi -- comedie ... See?

0:01:21.011,0:01:22.174
See? See?

0:01:22.198,0:01:25.028
(Laughter)

0:01:25.052,0:01:27.989
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy

0:01:28.013,0:01:29.180
in my late 20s,

0:01:29.204,0:01:34.592
and despite being a pathologically shy[br]virtual mute with low self-esteem

0:01:34.616,0:01:36.686
who'd never held a microphone before,

0:01:36.710,0:01:41.510
I knew as soon as I walked[br]and stood in front of the audience,

0:01:41.534,0:01:44.489
I knew, before I'd even[br]landed my first joke,

0:01:44.513,0:01:47.537
I knew that I really liked stand-up,

0:01:47.561,0:01:49.637
and stand-up really liked me.

0:01:50.123,0:01:53.570
But for the life of me,[br]I couldn't work out why.

0:01:53.594,0:01:58.829
Why is it I could be so good[br]at doing something I was so bad at?

0:01:58.853,0:02:00.040
(Laughter)

0:02:00.064,0:02:03.074
I just couldn't work it out,[br]I could not understand it.

0:02:03.098,0:02:05.057
That is, until I could.

0:02:05.081,0:02:07.952
Now, before I explain to you why it is

0:02:07.976,0:02:11.232
that I can be good[br]at something I'm so bad at,

0:02:11.256,0:02:14.103
let me throw another spanner[br]of contradiction into the work

0:02:14.127,0:02:18.407
by telling you that not long after[br]I worked out why that was,

0:02:18.431,0:02:20.503
I decided to quit comedy.

0:02:21.009,0:02:23.741
And before I explain[br]that little oppositional cat

0:02:23.765,0:02:26.467
I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,

0:02:26.491,0:02:29.060
let me also tell you this:

0:02:29.084,0:02:31.937
quitting launched my comedy career.

0:02:31.961,0:02:33.919
(Laughter)

0:02:33.943,0:02:38.014
Like, really launched it, to the point[br]where after quitting comedy,

0:02:38.038,0:02:40.972
I became the most talked-about[br]comedian on the planet,

0:02:40.996,0:02:44.624
because apparently, I'm even worse[br]at making retirement plans

0:02:44.648,0:02:47.145
than I am at speaking my own mind.

0:02:48.568,0:02:52.351
Now, all I've done up until this point

0:02:52.375,0:02:56.147
apart from giving over a spattering[br]of biographical detail

0:02:56.171,0:02:58.478
is to tell you indirectly[br]that I have three ideas

0:02:58.502,0:03:00.258
that I want to share with you today.

0:03:00.282,0:03:03.702
And I've done that by way of sharing[br]three contradictions:

0:03:03.726,0:03:06.927
one, I am bad at talking,[br]I am good at talking;

0:03:06.951,0:03:09.694
I quit, I did not quit.

0:03:09.718,0:03:11.555
Three ideas, three contradictions.

0:03:11.579,0:03:14.060
Now, if you're wondering[br]why there's only two things

0:03:14.084,0:03:15.611
on my so-called list of three --

0:03:15.635,0:03:16.669
(Laughter)

0:03:16.693,0:03:19.218
I remind you it is literally[br]a list of contradictions.

0:03:19.242,0:03:20.405
Keep up.

0:03:20.429,0:03:22.953
(Laughter)

0:03:22.977,0:03:27.458
Now, the folks at TED advised me[br]that with a talk of this length,

0:03:27.482,0:03:30.234
it's best to stick[br]with just sharing one idea.

0:03:30.958,0:03:32.429
I said no.

0:03:32.453,0:03:35.919
(Laughter)

0:03:35.943,0:03:37.321
What would they know?

0:03:37.737,0:03:42.791
To explain why I have chosen to ignore[br]what is clearly very good advice,

0:03:42.815,0:03:45.356
I want to take you back[br]to the beginning of this talk,

0:03:45.380,0:03:47.028
specifically, my palindrome joke.

0:03:47.052,0:03:51.164
Now that joke uses my favorite trick[br]of the comedian trade,

0:03:51.188,0:03:52.357
the rule of three,

0:03:52.381,0:03:53.839
whereby you make a statement

0:03:53.863,0:03:55.383
and then back that statement up

0:03:55.407,0:03:56.565
with a list.

0:03:56.589,0:03:59.220
My entire family have palindromic names:

0:03:59.244,0:04:02.219
Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.

0:04:02.243,0:04:06.183
The first two ideas on that list[br]create a pattern,

0:04:06.207,0:04:08.422
and that pattern creates expectation.

0:04:08.446,0:04:11.316
And then the third thing -- bam! --[br]Kayak. What?

0:04:11.340,0:04:12.670
That's the rule of three.

0:04:12.694,0:04:15.085
One, two, surprise! Ha ha.

0:04:15.109,0:04:18.337
(Laughter)

0:04:20.851,0:04:25.694
Now, the rule of three is not only[br]fundamental to the way I do my craft,

0:04:25.718,0:04:28.375
it is also fundamental[br]to the way I communicate.

0:04:28.399,0:04:31.033
So I won't be changing[br]anything for nobody,

0:04:31.057,0:04:32.213
not even TED,

0:04:32.237,0:04:35.491
which, I will point out,[br]stands for three ideas:

0:04:35.515,0:04:37.402
technology, entertainment

0:04:37.426,0:04:38.672
and dickheads.

0:04:38.696,0:04:41.664
(Laughter)

0:04:41.688,0:04:43.604
Works every time, doesn't it?

0:04:45.713,0:04:47.765
But you need more than just jokes

0:04:47.789,0:04:50.147
to be able to cut it[br]as a professional comedian.

0:04:50.171,0:04:54.061
You need to be able to walk[br]that fine line between being charming

0:04:54.085,0:04:55.593
and disarming.

0:04:55.617,0:05:00.990
And I discovered the most effective way[br]to generate the amount of charm I needed

0:05:01.014,0:05:05.511
to offset my disarming personality

0:05:05.535,0:05:07.851
was through not jokes but stories.

0:05:07.875,0:05:10.145
So my stand-up routines[br]are filled with stories:

0:05:10.169,0:05:12.449
stories about growing up,[br]my coming out story,

0:05:12.473,0:05:15.705
stories about the abuse I've copped[br]for being not only a woman

0:05:15.729,0:05:19.347
but a big woman[br]and a masculine-of-center woman.

0:05:19.371,0:05:22.631
If you watch my work online,[br]check the comments out below

0:05:22.655,0:05:25.312
for examples of abuse.

0:05:25.336,0:05:27.112
(Laughter)

0:05:27.136,0:05:30.399
It's that time in the talk[br]where I shift into second gear,

0:05:30.423,0:05:34.795
and I'm going to tell you a story[br]about everything I've just said.

0:05:34.819,0:05:37.033
In the last few days of her life,

0:05:37.057,0:05:40.050
my grandma was surrounded by people,

0:05:40.074,0:05:41.780
a lot of people,

0:05:41.804,0:05:44.276
because my grandma[br]was the loving matriarch

0:05:44.300,0:05:46.770
of a large and loving family.

0:05:47.211,0:05:49.497
Now, if you haven't made[br]the connection already,

0:05:49.521,0:05:51.011
I am a member of that family.

0:05:51.854,0:05:54.934
I was lucky enough to be able[br]to say goodbye to my grandma

0:05:54.958,0:05:56.878
on the day she died.

0:05:56.902,0:05:59.895
But as she was already[br]cocooned within herself by then,

0:05:59.919,0:06:02.973
it was something of a one-sided goodbye.

0:06:03.853,0:06:06.786
So I thought about a lot of things,

0:06:06.810,0:06:09.685
things I hadn't thought about[br]in a long time,

0:06:09.709,0:06:11.917
like the letters I used[br]to write to my grandma

0:06:11.941,0:06:13.799
when I first started university,

0:06:13.823,0:06:16.571
letters I filled with funny[br]stories and anecdotes

0:06:16.595,0:06:18.998
that I embellished for her amusement.

0:06:19.022,0:06:21.636
And I remembered how I couldn't articulate

0:06:21.660,0:06:27.425
the anxiety and fear that filled me[br]as I tried to carve my tiny little life

0:06:27.449,0:06:30.556
into a world that felt far too big for me.

0:06:31.213,0:06:34.209
But I remembered finding[br]comfort in those letters,

0:06:34.233,0:06:37.250
because I wrote them[br]with my grandma in mind.

0:06:38.002,0:06:40.733
But as the world got[br]more and more overwhelming

0:06:40.757,0:06:44.744
and my ability to negotiate it[br]got worse, not better,

0:06:44.768,0:06:47.466
I stopped writing those letters.

0:06:48.041,0:06:53.072
I just didn't think I had the life[br]that Grandma would want to read about.

0:06:54.162,0:06:56.509
Grandma did not know I was gay,

0:06:56.533,0:06:58.483
and about six months before she died,

0:06:58.507,0:07:01.397
out of nowhere, she asked me[br]if I had a boyfriend.

0:07:02.139,0:07:05.716
Now, I remember making[br]a conscious decision in that moment

0:07:05.740,0:07:07.763
not to come out to my grandmother.

0:07:08.881,0:07:12.208
And I did that because I knew her life[br]was drawing to an end,

0:07:12.232,0:07:13.904
and my time with her was finite,

0:07:13.928,0:07:16.739
and I did not want to talk about[br]the ways we were different.

0:07:16.763,0:07:19.903
I wanted to talk about[br]the ways were we connected.

0:07:20.595,0:07:22.313
So I changed the subject.

0:07:23.061,0:07:25.554
And at the time, it felt[br]like the right decision.

0:07:26.374,0:07:29.138
But as I sat witness[br]to my grandmother's life

0:07:29.162,0:07:31.654
as it tapered to its inevitable end,

0:07:31.678,0:07:34.071
I couldn't help but feel[br]I'd made a mistake

0:07:34.095,0:07:37.472
not to share such a significant[br]part of my life.

0:07:39.248,0:07:43.105
But I also knew that[br]I'd missed my opportunity,

0:07:43.129,0:07:45.202
and as Grandma always used to say,

0:07:45.226,0:07:47.886
"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.

0:07:47.910,0:07:50.014
Too late to take the onions out now."

0:07:50.038,0:07:52.390
(Laughter)

0:07:52.414,0:07:53.859
And I thought about that,

0:07:53.883,0:07:57.745
and I thought about how[br]I had to deal with too many onions

0:07:57.769,0:07:59.693
as a kid,

0:07:59.717,0:08:04.352
growing up gay in a state[br]where homosexuality was illegal.

0:08:04.376,0:08:07.091
And with that thought,[br]I could see how tightly wrapped

0:08:07.115,0:08:10.928
in the tendrils of my own[br]internalized shame I was.

0:08:10.952,0:08:13.785
And with that, I thought[br]about all my traumas:

0:08:13.809,0:08:16.773
the violence, the abuse, my rape.

0:08:20.087,0:08:22.331
And with all that cluster of thinking,

0:08:22.355,0:08:25.498
a thought, a question,[br]kept popping into my mind

0:08:25.522,0:08:27.789
to which I had no answer:

0:08:27.813,0:08:30.483
What is the purpose of my human?

0:08:31.743,0:08:35.183
Out of anyone in my family,[br]I felt the most akin to my grandmother.

0:08:36.154,0:08:39.224
I mean, we share the most[br]traits in common.

0:08:39.248,0:08:40.898
Not so much these days.

0:08:40.922,0:08:42.560
Death really changes people.

0:08:42.584,0:08:43.744
But that --

0:08:43.768,0:08:44.831
(Laughter)

0:08:44.855,0:08:47.191
is my grandmother's sense of humor.

0:08:47.215,0:08:49.864
But the person I felt[br]most akin to in the world

0:08:49.888,0:08:52.281
was a mother, a grandmother,[br]a great-grandmother,

0:08:52.305,0:08:53.719
a great-great-grandmother.

0:08:53.743,0:08:58.253
Me? I represented the very end[br]of my branch of the family tree.

0:08:58.277,0:09:02.218
And I wasn't entirely sure[br]I was still connected to the trunk.

0:09:02.242,0:09:04.466
What was the purpose of my human?

0:09:05.960,0:09:10.802
The year after my grandmother's death[br]was the most intensely creative

0:09:10.826,0:09:11.986
of my life.

0:09:12.010,0:09:15.416
And I suppose that's because,[br]at an end, my thoughts gather

0:09:15.440,0:09:16.897
more than they scatter.

0:09:17.466,0:09:19.726
My thought process is not linear.

0:09:19.750,0:09:22.265
I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.

0:09:22.289,0:09:24.048
I don't have a photographic memory,

0:09:24.072,0:09:30.020
and nor is my head a static gallery[br]of sensibly collected think pieces.

0:09:30.044,0:09:35.007
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving[br]language of hieroglyphics

0:09:35.031,0:09:36.184
that I've developed

0:09:36.208,0:09:39.916
and can understand fluently[br]and think deeply with.

0:09:39.940,0:09:41.713
but I struggle to translate.

0:09:42.168,0:09:45.488
I can't paint, draw, sculpt,[br]or even haberdash,

0:09:45.512,0:09:48.303
and as for the written word,

0:09:48.327,0:09:53.513
I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous[br]process of translation,

0:09:53.537,0:09:56.302
and I don't feel it does the job.

0:09:56.326,0:10:00.780
And as far as speaking my own mind,[br]like I said, I'm not great at it.

0:10:00.804,0:10:03.980
Speech has always felt[br]like an inadequate freeze-frame

0:10:04.004,0:10:06.212
for the life inside of me.

0:10:06.919,0:10:08.089
All this to say,

0:10:08.113,0:10:13.023
I've always understood far more[br]than I've ever been able to communicate.

0:10:13.990,0:10:16.075
Now, about a year before Grandma died,

0:10:16.099,0:10:19.141
I was formally diagnosed with autism.

0:10:19.165,0:10:21.276
Now for me, that was mostly good news.

0:10:22.248,0:10:26.991
I always thought that I couldn't[br]sort my life out like a normal person

0:10:27.015,0:10:29.661
because I was depressed and anxious.

0:10:29.685,0:10:31.139
But it turns out

0:10:31.163,0:10:32.736
I was depressed and anxious

0:10:32.760,0:10:36.055
because I couldn't sort my life out[br]like a normal person,

0:10:36.079,0:10:38.416
because I was not a normal person,

0:10:38.440,0:10:40.179
and I didn't know it.

0:10:40.203,0:10:42.412
Now, this is not to say[br]I still don't struggle.

0:10:42.436,0:10:44.140
Every day is a bit of a struggle,

0:10:44.164,0:10:45.323
to be honest.

0:10:45.347,0:10:48.365
But at least now I know[br]what my struggle is,

0:10:48.389,0:10:51.843
and getting to the starting line[br]of normal is not it.

0:10:51.867,0:10:54.507
My struggle is not to escape the storm.

0:10:54.531,0:10:59.534
My struggle is to find the eye[br]of the storm as best I can.

0:10:59.558,0:11:04.314
Now, apart from the usual way[br]us spectrum types find our calm --

0:11:04.338,0:11:08.260
repetitive behaviors, routine[br]and obsessive thinking --

0:11:08.284,0:11:13.745
I have another surprising doorway[br]into the eye of the storm:

0:11:14.574,0:11:16.310
stand-up comedy.

0:11:16.334,0:11:19.963
And if you need any more proof[br]I'm neurodivergent, yes,

0:11:19.987,0:11:24.928
I am calm doing a thing[br]that scares the hell out of most people.

0:11:24.952,0:11:27.225
I'm almost dead inside up here.

0:11:27.249,0:11:31.048
(Laughter)

0:11:31.072,0:11:34.976
Diagnosis gave me a framework[br]on which to hang bits of me

0:11:35.000,0:11:36.488
I could never understand.

0:11:36.512,0:11:38.653
My misfit suddenly had a fit,

0:11:38.677,0:11:41.378
and for a while, I got giddy[br]with a newfound confidence

0:11:41.402,0:11:43.420
I had in my thinking.

0:11:43.444,0:11:46.579
But after Grandma died,[br]that confidence took a dive,

0:11:47.636,0:11:51.107
because thinking is how I grieve.

0:11:51.131,0:11:52.831
And in that grief of thought,

0:11:52.855,0:11:55.944
I could suddenly see with so much clarity

0:11:55.968,0:12:00.801
just how profoundly isolated I was[br]and always had been.

0:12:02.168,0:12:05.741
What was the purpose of my human?

0:12:06.644,0:12:12.695
I began to think a lot about how autism[br]and PTSD have so much in common.

0:12:12.719,0:12:14.357
And I started to worry,

0:12:14.381,0:12:16.113
because I had both.

0:12:16.137,0:12:19.332
Could I ever untangle them?

0:12:20.499,0:12:22.901
I'd always been told[br]that the way out of trauma

0:12:22.925,0:12:25.543
was through a cohesive narrative.

0:12:25.567,0:12:28.164
I had a cohesive narrative,

0:12:28.188,0:12:30.535
but I was still at the mercy[br]of my traumas.

0:12:31.301,0:12:35.144
They're all part of my soup,[br]but the onions still stung.

0:12:35.168,0:12:37.672
And at that point, I realized

0:12:37.696,0:12:40.392
that I'd been telling[br]my stories for laughs.

0:12:40.416,0:12:43.254
I'd been trimming away the darkness,[br]cutting away the pain

0:12:43.278,0:12:47.346
and holding on to my trauma[br]for the comfort of my audience.

0:12:48.021,0:12:50.414
I was connecting[br]other people through laughs,

0:12:50.438,0:12:53.701
yet I remained profoundly disconnected.

0:12:53.725,0:12:56.871
What was the purpose of my human?

0:12:56.895,0:12:58.633
I did not have an answer,

0:12:58.657,0:13:00.602
but I had an idea.

0:13:00.626,0:13:02.952
I had an idea to tell my truth,

0:13:04.032,0:13:05.747
all of it,

0:13:05.771,0:13:11.001
not to share laughs but to share[br]the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.

0:13:11.025,0:13:14.332
And I thought the best way to do that[br]would be through a comedy show.

0:13:14.356,0:13:16.203
And that is what I did.

0:13:16.227,0:13:19.963
I wrote a comedy show[br]that did not respect the punchline,

0:13:19.987,0:13:23.687
that line where comedians are expected[br]and trusted to pull their punches

0:13:23.711,0:13:25.266
and turn them into tickles.

0:13:25.290,0:13:26.475
I did not stop.

0:13:26.499,0:13:28.119
I punched through that line

0:13:28.143,0:13:31.636
into the metaphorical guts of my audience.

0:13:31.660,0:13:34.132
I did not want to make them laugh.

0:13:34.900,0:13:37.038
I wanted to take their breath away,

0:13:37.062,0:13:38.216
to shock them,

0:13:38.240,0:13:42.333
so they could listen to my story[br]and hold my pain

0:13:42.357,0:13:46.826
as individuals, not[br]as a mindless, laughing mob.

0:13:46.850,0:13:50.393
And that's what I did,[br]and I called that show "Nanette."

0:13:50.417,0:13:51.774
Now, many --

0:13:51.798,0:13:56.382
(Applause)

0:13:57.615,0:13:59.638
Now, many have argued

0:13:59.662,0:14:02.243
that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.

0:14:02.267,0:14:07.180
And while I can agree "Nanette"[br]is definitely not a comedy show,

0:14:07.204,0:14:08.922
those people are still wrong --

0:14:08.946,0:14:10.390
(Laughter)

0:14:10.414,0:14:12.273
because they have framed their argument

0:14:12.297,0:14:16.074
as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.

0:14:16.780,0:14:20.357
I did not fail to do comedy.

0:14:20.381,0:14:23.659
I took everything I knew about comedy --

0:14:23.683,0:14:26.547
all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --

0:14:26.571,0:14:29.987
I took all that, and with it,[br]I broke comedy.

0:14:30.011,0:14:32.927
You cannot break comedy with comedy

0:14:32.951,0:14:35.068
if you fail at comedy.

0:14:35.092,0:14:37.175
Flaccid be thy hammer.

0:14:37.199,0:14:43.954
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:14:43.978,0:14:45.233
That was not my point.

0:14:45.257,0:14:48.921
The point was not simply to break comedy.

0:14:49.913,0:14:53.957
The point was to break comedy[br]so I could rebuild it and reshape it,

0:14:53.981,0:14:57.736
reform it into something[br]that could better hold everything

0:14:57.760,0:14:59.503
I needed to share,

0:14:59.527,0:15:03.188
and that is what I meant[br]when I said I quit comedy.

0:15:04.919,0:15:08.008
Now, it's probably at this point[br]where you're going, "Yeah, cool,

0:15:08.032,0:15:10.443
but what are the three ideas, exactly?

0:15:10.467,0:15:12.365
It's a bit vague."

0:15:12.389,0:15:14.470
I'm glad I pretended you asked.

0:15:14.494,0:15:18.852
(Laughter)

0:15:18.876,0:15:24.282
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you[br]who have already identified three ideas.

0:15:24.306,0:15:27.008
A smart crowd, by all accounts,

0:15:27.032,0:15:29.104
so I wouldn't be surprised at all.

0:15:29.128,0:15:33.100
But you might be surprised to find out[br]that I don't have three ideas.

0:15:33.124,0:15:36.711
I told you I had three ideas,[br]and that was a lie.

0:15:36.735,0:15:39.873
That was pure misdirection --[br]I'm very funny.

0:15:39.897,0:15:46.573
What I've done instead is I've taken[br]whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,

0:15:46.597,0:15:49.157
and I've scattered them[br]all throughout my talk.

0:15:50.022,0:15:51.678
And why did I do that?

0:15:51.702,0:15:53.449
Well, apart from shits and giggles,

0:15:54.530,0:15:57.755
it comes down to something[br]my grandma always used to say.

0:15:59.386,0:16:04.323
"It's not the garden,[br]it's the gardening that counts."

0:16:04.347,0:16:08.106
And "Nanette" taught me[br]the truth to that truism.

0:16:08.130,0:16:11.104
I fully expected by breaking[br]the contract of comedy

0:16:11.128,0:16:15.578
and telling my story[br]in all its truth and pain

0:16:16.442,0:16:21.393
that that would push me further[br]into the margins of both life and art.

0:16:21.771,0:16:27.805
I expected that, and I was willing to pay[br]that cost in order to tell my truth.

0:16:28.448,0:16:30.582
But that is not what happened.

0:16:30.606,0:16:34.409
The world did not push me away.[br]It pulled me closer.

0:16:35.091,0:16:39.253
Through an act of disconnection,[br]I found connection.

0:16:39.801,0:16:41.796
And it took me a long time to understand

0:16:41.820,0:16:44.317
that what is at the heart[br]of that contradiction

0:16:44.341,0:16:47.237
is also at the heart of the contradiction

0:16:47.261,0:16:51.561
as to why I can be so good[br]at something I am so bad at.

0:16:53.284,0:16:54.988
You see, in the real world,

0:16:55.012,0:16:56.561
I struggle to talk to people

0:16:56.585,0:17:03.249
because my neurodiversity[br]makes it difficult for me to think,

0:17:04.011,0:17:06.652
listen, speak and process new information

0:17:06.676,0:17:07.992
all at the same time.

0:17:08.532,0:17:10.769
But onstage, I don't have to think.

0:17:10.793,0:17:13.053
I prepare my thinks well in advance.

0:17:13.694,0:17:16.064
I don't have to listen. That is your job.

0:17:16.088,0:17:17.598
(Laughter)

0:17:17.622,0:17:20.043
And I don't really have to talk,

0:17:20.067,0:17:22.934
because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.

0:17:23.646,0:17:25.854
So all that is left

0:17:26.822,0:17:29.290
is for me to do my best

0:17:29.938,0:17:33.644
to make a genuine connection[br]with my audience.

0:17:35.761,0:17:38.894
And if the experience of "Nanette"[br]taught me anything,

0:17:38.918,0:17:43.252
it's that connection depends[br]not just on me.

0:17:43.921,0:17:46.321
You play a part.

0:17:47.371,0:17:50.048
"Nanette" may have begun in me,

0:17:50.072,0:17:54.352
but she now lives and grows[br]in a whole world of other minds,

0:17:54.376,0:17:56.766
minds I do not share.

0:17:56.790,0:17:59.076
But I trust I am connected.

0:18:00.592,0:18:03.883
And in that, she is so much[br]bigger than me,

0:18:03.907,0:18:09.072
just like the purpose of being human[br]is so much bigger than all of us.

0:18:09.096,0:18:10.498
Make of that what you will.

0:18:10.522,0:18:12.483
Thank you, and hello.

0:18:12.507,0:18:19.480
(Applause)