[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.10,0:00:02.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name is Hannah,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.75,0:00:05.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is a palindrome.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.36,0:00:12.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is a word you can spell\Nthe same forwards and backwards,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.15,0:00:13.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you can spell.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.66,0:00:19.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the thing is, my entire family\Nhave palindromic names.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.32,0:00:21.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a bit of a tradition.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.41,0:00:25.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got Mum, Dad,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.65,0:00:26.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.59,0:00:29.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.51,0:00:33.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my brother Kayak.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.84,0:00:35.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.77,0:00:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.08,0:00:39.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's just a big a joke, there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.73,0:00:40.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.86,0:00:43.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to kick things off with a joke\Nbecause I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.69,0:00:46.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there's two things\Nyou know about me already.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.20,0:00:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.54,0:00:49.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasting no time.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.18,0:00:51.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a third thing\Nyou can know about me.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.64,0:00:55.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think I'm qualified\Nto speak my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.69,0:00:58.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bold way to begin a talk, yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.01,0:00:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's true.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.92,0:01:03.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always had a great deal of difficulty
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.17,0:01:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,turning my thinking into the talking.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.86,0:01:09.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it seems a bit of a contradiction then
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.20,0:01:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that someone like me\Nwho is so bad at the chat
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.51,0:01:13.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could be something like\Na stand-up comedian,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.57,0:01:15.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there you go. There you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.94,0:01:17.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.18,0:01:21.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand\Nat stand-up comedi--, comedie.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.12,0:01:22.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? See? See?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.27,0:01:25.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.38,0:01:28.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.30,0:01:29.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my late 20s,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.49,0:01:29.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and despite being a pathologically shy\Nvirtual mute with low self-esteem
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.81,0:01:36.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who'd never held a microphone before,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.80,0:01:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew as soon as I walked\Nand stood in front of the audience,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.75,0:01:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew, before I'd even\Nlanded my first joke,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.77,0:01:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew that I really liked stand-up,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.82,0:01:50.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and stand-up really liked me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.31,0:01:53.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for the life of me,\NI couldn't work out why.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.78,0:01:58.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is it I could be so good\Nat doing something I was so bad at?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.60,0:02:00.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.81,0:02:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just couldn't work it out.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.44,0:02:04.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could not understand it,\Nthat is until I could.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.47,0:02:08.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now before I explain to you why it is
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.06,0:02:11.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I can be good\Nat something I'm so bad at,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.47,0:02:14.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me throw another spanner\Nof contradiction into the works
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.19,0:02:18.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by telling you that not long after\NI worked out why that was,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.72,0:02:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided to quit comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.26,0:02:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before I explain\Nthat little oppositional cat
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.50,0:02:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just threw among the thinking pigeons,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.78,0:02:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me also tell you this:
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.25,0:02:32.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,quitting launched my comedy career.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.27,0:02:34.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.25,0:02:37.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really launched it, to the point\Nwhere after quitting comedy,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.43,0:02:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became the most talked-about\Ncomedian on the planet,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.30,0:02:44.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because apparently I'm even worse\Nthan making retirement plans
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.87,0:02:48.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than I am at speaking my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.81,0:02:54.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, all I've done up until this point\Napart from giving over a spattering
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.37,0:02:58.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of biographical detail is to tell you\Nindirectly that I have three ideas
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.60,0:03:00.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I want to share with you today,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.25,0:03:04.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've done that by way of sharing\Nthree contradictions:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.01,0:03:07.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one, I am bad at talking,\NI am good at talking;
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.85,0:03:09.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quit, I did not quit.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.72,0:03:12.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Three ideas, three contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.02,0:03:14.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you're wondering\Nwhy there's only two things
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.54,0:03:16.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on my so-called list of three
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.15,0:03:16.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.98,0:03:19.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remind you it is literally\Na list of contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.46,0:03:20.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Keep up.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.54,0:03:23.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.48,0:03:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the folks at TED advised me\Nthat with a talk of this length,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.78,0:03:31.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's best to stick\Nwith just sharing one idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.28,0:03:32.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said no.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.70,0:03:35.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.55,0:03:37.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, what would they know?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.34,0:03:43.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To explain why I have chosen to ignore\Nwhat is clearly very good advice,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.04,0:03:45.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to take you back\Nto the beginning of this talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.98,0:03:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,specifically my palindrome joke.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.32,0:03:51.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now that joke uses my favorite trick\Nof the comedian trade,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.47,0:03:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rule of three,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.70,0:03:54.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereby you make a statement
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.10,0:03:56.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then back that statement up
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.25,0:03:57.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a list.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.08,0:03:59.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My entire family have palindromic names:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.53,0:04:03.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.04,0:04:07.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first two ideas on that list\Ncreate a pattern,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.22,0:04:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that pattern creates expectation,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.91,0:04:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the third thing, bam,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.19,0:04:12.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kayak, what? That's the rule of three.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.95,0:04:15.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, two, surprise! Haha.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.21,0:04:18.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now (Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.36,0:04:25.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now the rule of three is not only\Nfundamental to the way I do my craft,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.95,0:04:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is also fundamental\Nto the way I communicate,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.70,0:04:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I won't be changing\Nanything for nobody,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.33,0:04:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not even TED,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.44,0:04:35.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which, I will point out,\Nstands for three ideas:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.65,0:04:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,technology, entertainment,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.92,0:04:40.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and dickheads.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.43,0:04:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.11,0:04:46.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Works every time, doesn't it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.36,0:04:48.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you need more than just jokes
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.08,0:04:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be able to cut it\Nas a professional comedian.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.30,0:04:54.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to be able to walk\Nthat fine line between being charming
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.31,0:04:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and disarming.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.84,0:05:01.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I discovered the most effective way\Nto generate the amount of charm I needed
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.20,0:05:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to offset my disarming personality
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.72,0:05:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was through not jokes but stories.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.20,0:05:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my stand-up routines\Nare filled with stories:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.19,0:05:12.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about growing up,\Nmy coming out story,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.77,0:05:15.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about the abuse I caught\Nfor being not only a woman
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.94,0:05:17.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but a big woman
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.54,0:05:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a masculine-of-center woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.50,0:05:22.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you watch my work online,\Ncheck the comments out below
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.86,0:05:25.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for examples of abuse.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.29,0:05:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's that time in the talk\Nwhere I shift into second gear,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.63,0:05:35.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to tell you a story\Nabout everything I've just said.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.09,0:05:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the last few days of her life,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.44,0:05:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my grandma was surrounded by people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.26,0:05:41.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.99,0:05:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my grandma\Nwas the loving matriarch
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.08,0:05:47.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a large and loving family.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.58,0:05:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you haven't made\Nthe connection already,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.10,0:05:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a member of that family.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.08,0:05:57.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I was lucky enough\Nto be able to say goodbye
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.28,0:05:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to my grandma on the day she died,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.42,0:06:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as she was already\Ncocooned within herself by then,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.21,0:06:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.09,0:06:07.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought about a lot of things,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.05,0:06:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things I haven't thought about\Nin a long time,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.06,0:06:14.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like the letters I used\Nto write to my grandma
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.02,0:06:14.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I first started university,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.54,0:06:17.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,letters I filled with funny stories\Nand anecdotes that I embellished
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.66,0:06:19.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for her amusement,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.23,0:06:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I remembered how I couldn't\Narticulate the anxiety and fear
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.90,0:06:27.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that filled me as I tried\Nto carve my tiny little life
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.77,0:06:31.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a world that felt far too big for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.45,0:06:34.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I remembered finding\Ncomfort in those letters,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.47,0:06:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I wrote them\Nwith my grandma in mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.26,0:06:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as the world\Ngot more and more overwhelming
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.01,0:06:45.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my ability to negotiate it\Ngot worse, not better,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.02,0:06:48.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stopped writing those letters.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.27,0:06:54.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just didn't think I had the life\Nthat grandma would want to read about.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.35,0:06:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grandma did not know I was gay,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.04,0:06:58.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and about six months before she died,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.82,0:07:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of nowhere, she asked me\Nif I had a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.26,0:07:06.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I remember making\Na conscious decision in that moment
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.48,0:07:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to come out to my grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.14,0:07:13.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did that because I knew her life\Nwas drawing to an end,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.10,0:07:14.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my time with her was finite,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.44,0:07:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did not want to talk\Nabout the ways we were different.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.94,0:07:20.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to talk about\Nthe ways were we connected.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.83,0:07:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I changed the subject.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.32,0:07:26.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the time it felt\Nlike the right decision.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.62,0:07:29.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as I sat witness\Nto my grandmother's life
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.41,0:07:32.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as it tapered to its inevitable end,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.03,0:07:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't help but feel\NI'd made a mistake
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.03,0:07:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to share such a significant\Npart of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.54,0:07:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I also knew that\NI'd missed my opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.09,0:07:45.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as grandma always used to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.46,0:07:48.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.63,0:07:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Too late to take the onions out now."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.76,0:07:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.70,0:07:54.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought about that,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.17,0:07:58.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought about how I\Nhad to deal with too many onions
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.05,0:07:59.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a kid,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.84,0:08:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growing up gay in a state\Nwhere homosexuality in illegal,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.46,0:08:07.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with that thought I could see
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.80,0:08:11.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how tightly wrapped in the tendrils\Nof my own internalize shame I was,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.26,0:08:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with that, I thought\Nabout all my traumas:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.99,0:08:20.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the violence, the abuse, my rape,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.28,0:08:22.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with all that cluster of thinking,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.50,0:08:25.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a thought, a question,\Nkept popping into my mind
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.73,0:08:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to which I had no answer:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.92,0:08:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.98,0:08:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Out of anyone in my family,\NI felt the most akin to my grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.24,0:08:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we share the most traits in common.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.42,0:08:40.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not so much these days.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.92,0:08:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Death really changes people.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.78,0:08:47.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that (Laughter)\Nis my grandmother's sense of humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.30,0:08:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the person I felt\Nmost akin to in the world
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.10,0:08:52.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a mother, a grandmother,\Na great-grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.50,0:08:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a great-great-grandmother.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.04,0:08:58.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Me? I represented the very end\Nof my branch of the family tree,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.47,0:09:02.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wasn't entirely sure\NI was still connected to the trunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.55,0:09:06.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.25,0:09:08.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The year after my grandmother's death
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.67,0:09:12.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was the most intensely\Ncreative of my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.32,0:09:12.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I suppose that's because at an end,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.57,0:09:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my thoughts gather more than they scatter.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.67,0:09:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My thought process is not linear.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.34,0:09:22.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.92,0:09:24.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have a photograph memory,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.26,0:09:30.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and nor is my head a static gallery\Nof sensibly collected think pieces.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.16,0:09:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's more that I've got this ever-evolving\Nlanguage of hieroglyphics
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.26,0:09:37.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I've developed
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.69,0:09:38.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can understand fluidly
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.88,0:09:42.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and think deeply with\Nbut I struggle to translate.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.34,0:09:45.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't paint, draw, sculpt,\Nor even haberdash,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.68,0:09:48.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as for the written word,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.77,0:09:51.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm OK at it but it's\Na tortuous process of translation,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.44,0:09:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't feel it does the job.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.45,0:10:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as far as speaking my own mind,\Nlike I said, I'm not great at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.56,0:10:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speech has always felt\Nlike an inadequate freeze frame
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.26,0:10:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the life inside of me.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.96,0:10:09.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All this to say, I've always understood
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.83,0:10:14.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,far more than I've ever\Nbeen able to communicate.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.21,0:10:17.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now about a year before grandma died,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.16,0:10:19.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was formally diagnosed with autism.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.16,0:10:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now for me, that was mostly good news.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.30,0:10:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always thought that I couldn't\Nsort my life out like a normal person
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.19,0:10:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was depressed and anxious,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.85,0:10:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it turns out
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.37,0:10:33.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was depressed and anxious
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.37,0:10:36.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I couldn't sort my life out\Nlike a normal person
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.44,0:10:38.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was not a normal person,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.65,0:10:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.44,0:10:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this is not to say\NI still don't struggle.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.96,0:10:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every day is a bit of a struggle,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.17,0:10:45.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be honest.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.93,0:10:48.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at least now I know\Nwhat my struggle is,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.63,0:10:52.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and getting to the starting line\Nof normal is not it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.18,0:10:54.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is not to escape the storm.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.69,0:10:57.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is to find the eye\Nof the storm as best I can.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.96,0:11:04.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, apart from the usual way\Nus spectrum types find our calm --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.14,0:11:08.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,repetitive behaviors, routine,\Nand obsessive thinking --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.54,0:11:11.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have another surprising doorway
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.23,0:11:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the eye of the storm:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.72,0:11:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stand-up comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.48,0:11:19.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you need any more proof\NI'm neurodivergent, yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.31,0:11:25.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am calm doing a thing\Nthat scares the hell out of most people.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.23,0:11:28.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm almost dead inside up here.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.02,0:11:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.33,0:11:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Diagnosis gave me a framework\Non which to hang bits of me
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.21,0:11:36.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could never understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.77,0:11:39.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My misfit suddenly had a fit,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.03,0:11:41.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for a while I got giddy\Nwith a newfound confidence
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.59,0:11:43.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had in my thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.51,0:11:47.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But after Grandma died,\Nthat confidence took a dive,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.72,0:11:51.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because thinking is how I grieve,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.32,0:11:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that grief of thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.12,0:11:56.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could suddenly see with so much clarity
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.15,0:11:59.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just how profoundly isolated I was
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.33,0:12:02.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and always had been.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.42,0:12:06.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.88,0:12:12.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to think a lot about how autism\Nand PTSD have so much in common,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.100,0:12:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started to worry,\Nbecause I had both.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.41,0:12:20.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could I ever untangle them?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.45,0:12:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd always been told\Nthat the way out of trauma
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.11,0:12:25.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was through a cohesive narrative.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.73,0:12:28.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a cohesive narrative,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.35,0:12:31.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I was still\Nat the mercy of my traumas.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.49,0:12:35.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were all part of my soup,\Nbut the onions still stung,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.22,0:12:37.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at that point, I realized
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.93,0:12:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'd been telling\Nmy stories for laughs.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.57,0:12:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd been trimming away the darkness,\Ncutting away the pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.46,0:12:48.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and holding on to my trauma\Nfor the comfort of my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.27,0:12:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was connecting\Nother people through laughs,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.68,0:12:53.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yet I remained profoundly disconnected.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.88,0:12:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.30,0:12:58.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not have an answer,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.78,0:13:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had an idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.74,0:13:03.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had an idea to tell my truth,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.85,0:13:05.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.93,0:13:11.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to share laughs but to share\Nthe literal, visceral pain of my trauma,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.18,0:13:14.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought the best way to do that\Nwould be through a comedy show,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.63,0:13:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is what I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.23,0:13:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote a comedy show\Nthat did not respect the punchline,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.10,0:13:23.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that line where comedians are expected\Nand trusted to pull their punches
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.71,0:13:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and turn them into tickles,\NI did not stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.46,0:13:30.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I punched through that line\Ninto the metaphorical guts
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.30,0:13:32.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.26,0:13:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not want to make them laugh.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.16,0:13:38.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to take their breath away,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.06,0:13:40.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shock them so they\Ncould listen to my story
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.61,0:13:47.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and hold my pain as individuals,\Nnot as a mindless laughing mob.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.01,0:13:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's what I did,\Nand I called that show "Nanette."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.42,0:13:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.82,0:14:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, many have argued
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.00,0:14:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that "Nanette" is not a comedy show,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.50,0:14:04.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and while I can agree --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.74,0:14:07.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is definitely not a comedy show --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.16,0:14:09.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those people are still wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.27,0:14:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.67,0:14:12.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they have framed their argument
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.52,0:14:16.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a way of saying\N"I failed to do comedy."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.100,0:14:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did not fail to do comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.52,0:14:23.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took everything I knew about comedy,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.94,0:14:26.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the tricks, the tools, the knowhow,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.92,0:14:30.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took all that, and with it,\NI broke comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.22,0:14:32.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot break comedy with comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.48,0:14:35.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you fail at comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.09,0:14:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Flaccid be thy hammer.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.36,0:14:41.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) (Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.36,0:14:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was not my point.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.44,0:14:50.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The point was not simply to break comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.13,0:14:53.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The point was to break comedy\Nso I could rebuild it and reshape it,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.06,0:14:58.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reform it into something\Nthat could better hold everything
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.10,0:14:59.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I needed to share,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.78,0:15:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is what I meant\Nwhen I said I quit comedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.28,0:15:08.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, it's probably at this point\Nwhere you're going, "Yeah, cool,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.57,0:15:11.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but what are the three ideas exactly?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:11.12,0:15:12.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a bit vague."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.93,0:15:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm glad I pretended you asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.76,0:15:19.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.08,0:15:24.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you\Nwho have already identified three ideas.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.09,0:15:27.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Smart crowd, by all accounts,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.12,0:15:29.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I wouldn't be surprised at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.44,0:15:33.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you might be surprised to find out\Nthat I don't have three ideas.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.33,0:15:36.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told you I had three ideas,\Nand that was a lie.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.83,0:15:40.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was pure misdirection and very funny.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.17,0:15:46.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I've done instead is I've taken\Nwhole handfuls of my ideas as seeds
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.68,0:15:49.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've scattered them\Nall throughout my talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.76,0:15:51.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why did I do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.96,0:15:54.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, apart from shits and giggles,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.75,0:15:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it comes down to something\Nmy grandma always used to say.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.00,0:16:04.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's not the garden,\Nit's the gardening that counts."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.58,0:16:08.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And "Nanette" taught me\Nthe truth to that truism.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.42,0:16:11.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fully expected by breaking\Nthe contract of comedy
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.75,0:16:16.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and telling my story\Nin all its truth and pain
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.78,0:16:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that would push me further\Ninto the margins of both life and art.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.64,0:16:27.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected that, and I was willing to pay\Nthat cost in order to tell my truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.62,0:16:30.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that is not what happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.78,0:16:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The world did not push me away.\NIt pulled me closer.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.26,0:16:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Through an act of disconnection,\NI found connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.12,0:16:42.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it took me a long time to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.49,0:16:44.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that what is at the heart\Nof that contradiction
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.55,0:16:47.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is also at the heart of the contradiction
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.49,0:16:51.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as to why I can be so good\Nat something I am so bad at.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.50,0:16:55.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, in the real world,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.23,0:16:57.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I struggle to talk to people
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.07,0:16:59.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my neurodiversity
Dialogue: 0,0:16:59.65,0:17:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes it difficult for me to think,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.62,0:17:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,listen, speak, and process\Nnew information all at the same time,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:07.08,0:17:11.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but onstage, I don't have to think.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.46,0:17:13.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I prepare my thinks well in advance.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.100,0:17:16.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have to listen. That is your job.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.39,0:17:17.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.92,0:17:20.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't really have to talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.43,0:17:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because strictly speaking, I'm reciting.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.32,0:17:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So all that is left
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.46,0:17:29.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is for me to do my best
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.31,0:17:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make a genuine connection\Nwith my audience.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.06,0:17:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the experience of "Nanette"\Ntaught me anything,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.22,0:17:44.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's that connection depends\Nnot just on me.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.18,0:17:46.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You play a part.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.63,0:17:50.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Nanette" may have begun in me,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.33,0:17:55.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but she now lives and grows\Nin a whole world of other minds,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.49,0:17:56.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,minds I do not share
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.00,0:17:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I trust I am connected,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.26,0:18:03.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that, she is so much\Nbigger than me,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:03.60,0:18:06.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just like the purpose of being human
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.37,0:18:09.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so much bigger than all of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.35,0:18:10.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make of that what you will.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.78,0:18:13.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, and hello.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.53,0:18:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)