1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:02,752
My name is Hannah,

2
00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:05,363
and that is a palindrome.

3
00:00:05,363 --> 00:00:12,151
That is a word you can spell
the same forwards and backwards,

4
00:00:12,151 --> 00:00:13,659
if you can spell.

5
00:00:13,659 --> 00:00:19,048
But the thing is, my entire family
have palindromic names.

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,407
It's a bit of a tradition.

7
00:00:21,407 --> 00:00:25,090
We've got Mum, Dad,

8
00:00:25,648 --> 00:00:26,589
(Laughter)

9
00:00:26,589 --> 00:00:29,054
Nan, Pop.

10
00:00:30,511 --> 00:00:33,836
And my brother Kayak.

11
00:00:33,836 --> 00:00:35,766
(Laughter)

12
00:00:35,766 --> 00:00:38,083
There you go.

13
00:00:38,083 --> 00:00:39,729
That's just a big a joke, there.

14
00:00:39,729 --> 00:00:40,861
(Laughter)

15
00:00:40,861 --> 00:00:43,689
I like to kick things off with a joke
because I'm a comedian.

16
00:00:43,689 --> 00:00:46,199
Now, there's two things
you know about me already.

17
00:00:46,199 --> 00:00:47,545
My name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.

18
00:00:47,545 --> 00:00:49,178
I wasting no time.

19
00:00:49,178 --> 00:00:51,645
Here's a third thing
you can know about me.

20
00:00:51,645 --> 00:00:55,691
I don't think I'm qualified
to speak my own mind.

21
00:00:55,691 --> 00:00:58,011
Bold way to begin a talk, yes,

22
00:00:58,011 --> 00:00:59,919
but it's true.

23
00:00:59,919 --> 00:01:03,172
I've always had a great deal of difficulty

24
00:01:03,172 --> 00:01:05,576
turning my thinking into the talking.

25
00:01:05,859 --> 00:01:09,198
So it seems a bit of a contradiction then

26
00:01:09,198 --> 00:01:10,514
that someone like me
who is so bad at the chat

27
00:01:10,514 --> 00:01:13,571
could be something like
a stand-up comedian,

28
00:01:13,571 --> 00:01:15,938
but there you go. There you go.

29
00:01:15,938 --> 00:01:17,184
It's what it is.

30
00:01:17,184 --> 00:01:21,123
I first tried my hand
at stand-up comedi--, comedie.

31
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,271
See? See? See?

32
00:01:22,271 --> 00:01:25,375
(Laughter)

33
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:28,300
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy

34
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in my late 20s,

35
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and despite being a pathologically shy
virtual mute with low self-esteem

36
00:01:34,807 --> 00:01:36,798
who'd never held a microphone before,

37
00:01:36,798 --> 00:01:41,751
I knew as soon as I walked
and stood in front of the audience,

38
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I knew, before I'd even
landed my first joke,

39
00:01:44,774 --> 00:01:47,821
I knew that I really liked stand-up,

40
00:01:47,821 --> 00:01:50,306
and stand-up really liked me.

41
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But for the life of me,
I couldn't work out why.

42
00:01:53,776 --> 00:01:58,924
Why is it I could be so good
at doing something I was so bad at?

43
00:01:59,599 --> 00:02:00,809
(Laughter)

44
00:02:00,809 --> 00:02:03,439
I just couldn't work it out.

45
00:02:03,439 --> 00:02:04,473
I could not understand it,
that is until I could.

46
00:02:04,473 --> 00:02:08,060
Now before I explain to you why it is

47
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:11,470
that I can be good
at something I'm so bad at,

48
00:02:11,470 --> 00:02:14,194
let me throw another spanner
of contradiction into the works

49
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:18,716
by telling you that not long after
I worked out why that was,

50
00:02:18,716 --> 00:02:20,788
I decided to quit comedy.

51
00:02:21,264 --> 00:02:24,497
And before I explain
that little oppositional cat

52
00:02:24,497 --> 00:02:26,778
I just threw among the thinking pigeons,

53
00:02:26,778 --> 00:02:29,251
let me also tell you this:

54
00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:32,266
quitting launched my comedy career.

55
00:02:32,266 --> 00:02:34,247
(Laughter)

56
00:02:34,247 --> 00:02:37,428
It really launched it, to the point
where after quitting comedy,

57
00:02:37,428 --> 00:02:41,295
I became the most talked-about
comedian on the planet,

58
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:44,871
because apparently I'm even worse
than making retirement plans

59
00:02:44,871 --> 00:02:48,150
than I am at speaking my own mind.

60
00:02:48,806 --> 00:02:54,370
Now, all I've done up until this point
apart from giving over a spattering

61
00:02:54,370 --> 00:02:58,595
of biographical detail is to tell you
indirectly that I have three ideas

62
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,250
that I want to share with you today,

63
00:03:00,250 --> 00:03:04,010
and I've done that by way of sharing
three contradictions:

64
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:07,853
one, I am bad at talking,
I am good at talking;

65
00:03:07,853 --> 00:03:09,718
I quit, I did not quit.

66
00:03:09,718 --> 00:03:12,015
Three ideas, three contradictions.

67
00:03:12,015 --> 00:03:14,541
Now, if you're wondering
why there's only two things

68
00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:16,147
on my so-called list of three

69
00:03:16,147 --> 00:03:16,981
(Laughter)

70
00:03:16,981 --> 00:03:19,461
I remind you it is literally
a list of contradictions.

71
00:03:19,461 --> 00:03:20,538
Keep up.

72
00:03:20,538 --> 00:03:23,294
(Laughter)

73
00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:27,776
Now, the folks at TED advised me
that with a talk of this length,

74
00:03:27,776 --> 00:03:31,276
it's best to stick
with just sharing one idea.

75
00:03:31,276 --> 00:03:32,699
I said no.

76
00:03:32,699 --> 00:03:35,551
(Laughter)

77
00:03:35,551 --> 00:03:37,345
Now, what would they know?

78
00:03:37,345 --> 00:03:43,035
To explain why I have chosen to ignore
what is clearly very good advice,

79
00:03:43,035 --> 00:03:45,978
I want to take you back
to the beginning of this talk,

80
00:03:45,978 --> 00:03:47,325
specifically my palindrome joke.

81
00:03:47,325 --> 00:03:51,472
Now that joke uses my favorite trick
of the comedian trade,

82
00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:52,704
the rule of three,

83
00:03:52,704 --> 00:03:54,098
whereby you make a statement

84
00:03:54,098 --> 00:03:56,254
and then back that statement up

85
00:03:56,254 --> 00:03:57,077
with a list.

86
00:03:57,077 --> 00:03:59,530
My entire family have palindromic names:

87
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:03,035
Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.

88
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:07,216
The first two ideas on that list
create a pattern,

89
00:04:07,216 --> 00:04:08,914
and that pattern creates expectation,

90
00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:10,192
and then the third thing, bam,

91
00:04:10,192 --> 00:04:12,948
Kayak, what? That's the rule of three.

92
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:15,211
One, two, surprise! Haha.

93
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:18,361
Now (Laughter)

94
00:04:18,361 --> 00:04:25,950
Now the rule of three is not only
fundamental to the way I do my craft,

95
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:28,695
it is also fundamental
to the way I communicate,

96
00:04:28,695 --> 00:04:31,334
so I won't be changing
anything for nobody,

97
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:32,436
not even TED,

98
00:04:32,436 --> 00:04:35,650
which, I will point out,
stands for three ideas:

99
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,916
technology, entertainment,

100
00:04:37,916 --> 00:04:40,428
and dickheads.

101
00:04:40,428 --> 00:04:42,107
(Laughter)

102
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:46,357
Works every time, doesn't it.

103
00:04:46,357 --> 00:04:48,075
But you need more than just jokes

104
00:04:48,075 --> 00:04:50,302
to be able to cut it
as a professional comedian.

105
00:04:50,302 --> 00:04:54,311
You need to be able to walk
that fine line between being charming

106
00:04:54,311 --> 00:04:55,842
and disarming.

107
00:04:55,842 --> 00:05:01,197
And I discovered the most effective way
to generate the amount of charm I needed

108
00:05:01,197 --> 00:05:05,717
to offset my disarming personality

109
00:05:05,717 --> 00:05:08,204
was through not jokes but stories.

110
00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:10,191
So my stand-up routines
are filled with stories:

111
00:05:10,191 --> 00:05:12,770
stories about growing up,
my coming out story,

112
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,944
stories about the abuse I caught
for being not only a woman

113
00:05:15,944 --> 00:05:17,543
but a big woman

114
00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:19,499
and a masculine-of-center woman.

115
00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:22,860
If you watch my work online,
check the comments out below

116
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:25,291
for examples of abuse.

117
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:30,626
Now it's that time in the talk
where I shift into second gear,

118
00:05:30,626 --> 00:05:35,091
and I'm going to tell you a story
about everything I've just said.

119
00:05:35,091 --> 00:05:37,440
In the last few days of her life,

120
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,257
my grandma was surrounded by people,

121
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:41,986
a lot of people,

122
00:05:41,986 --> 00:05:45,083
because my grandma
was the loving matriarch

123
00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:47,350
of a large and loving family.

124
00:05:47,577 --> 00:05:49,095
Now, if you haven't made
the connection already,

125
00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:52,084
I am a member of that family.

126
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:57,280
Now I was lucky enough
to be able to say goodbye

127
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,417
to my grandma on the day she died,

128
00:05:58,417 --> 00:06:00,214
but as she was already
cocooned within herself by then,

129
00:06:00,214 --> 00:06:04,091
it was something of a one-sided goodbye.

130
00:06:04,091 --> 00:06:07,047
So I thought about a lot of things,

131
00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:10,056
things I haven't thought about
in a long time,

132
00:06:10,056 --> 00:06:14,023
like the letters I used
to write to my grandma

133
00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:14,539
when I first started university,

134
00:06:14,539 --> 00:06:17,664
letters I filled with funny stories
and anecdotes that I embellished

135
00:06:17,664 --> 00:06:19,229
for her amusement,

136
00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:23,896
and I remembered how I couldn't
articulate the anxiety and fear

137
00:06:23,896 --> 00:06:27,766
that filled me as I tried
to carve my tiny little life

138
00:06:27,766 --> 00:06:31,452
into a world that felt far too big for me.

139
00:06:31,452 --> 00:06:34,471
But I remembered finding
comfort in those letters,

140
00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:38,257
because I wrote them
with my grandma in mind.

141
00:06:38,257 --> 00:06:41,011
But as the world
got more and more overwhelming

142
00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:45,021
and my ability to negotiate it
got worse, not better,

143
00:06:45,021 --> 00:06:48,272
I stopped writing those letters.

144
00:06:48,272 --> 00:06:54,353
I just didn't think I had the life
that grandma would want to read about.

145
00:06:54,353 --> 00:06:57,037
Grandma did not know I was gay,

146
00:06:57,037 --> 00:06:58,825
and about six months before she died,

147
00:06:58,825 --> 00:07:02,259
out of nowhere, she asked me
if I had a boyfriend.

148
00:07:02,259 --> 00:07:06,480
Now, I remember making
a conscious decision in that moment

149
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,136
not to come out to my grandmother,

150
00:07:09,136 --> 00:07:13,095
and I did that because I knew her life
was drawing to an end,

151
00:07:13,095 --> 00:07:14,435
and my time with her was finite,

152
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:16,945
and I did not want to talk
about the ways we were different.

153
00:07:16,945 --> 00:07:20,826
I wanted to talk about
the ways were we connected.

154
00:07:20,826 --> 00:07:23,323
So I changed the subject.

155
00:07:23,323 --> 00:07:26,620
And at the time it felt
like the right decision.

156
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:29,407
But as I sat witness
to my grandmother's life

157
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,029
as it tapered to its inevitable end,

158
00:07:32,029 --> 00:07:35,028
I couldn't help but feel
I'd made a mistake

159
00:07:35,028 --> 00:07:39,542
not to share such a significant
part of my life.

160
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:43,087
But I also knew that
I'd missed my opportunity,

161
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:45,465
and as grandma always used to say,

162
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,631
"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.

163
00:07:48,631 --> 00:07:50,758
Too late to take the onions out now."

164
00:07:50,758 --> 00:07:52,700
(Laughter)

165
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,168
And I thought about that,

166
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:58,053
and I thought about how I
had to deal with too many onions

167
00:07:58,053 --> 00:07:59,837
as a kid,

168
00:07:59,837 --> 00:08:04,456
growing up gay in a state
where homosexuality in illegal,

169
00:08:04,456 --> 00:08:07,801
and with that thought I could see

170
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:11,256
how tightly wrapped in the tendrils
of my own internalize shame I was,

171
00:08:11,256 --> 00:08:13,992
and with that, I thought
about all my traumas:

172
00:08:13,992 --> 00:08:20,278
the violence, the abuse, my rape,

173
00:08:20,278 --> 00:08:22,498
and with all that cluster of thinking,

174
00:08:22,498 --> 00:08:25,734
a thought, a question,
kept popping into my mind

175
00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:27,917
to which I had no answer:

176
00:08:27,917 --> 00:08:31,981
what is the purpose of my human?

177
00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:36,242
Out of anyone in my family,
I felt the most akin to my grandmother,

178
00:08:36,242 --> 00:08:39,418
and we share the most traits in common.

179
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,922
Not so much these days.

180
00:08:40,922 --> 00:08:42,778
Death really changes people.

181
00:08:42,778 --> 00:08:47,295
But that (Laughter)
is my grandmother's sense of humor.

182
00:08:47,295 --> 00:08:50,099
But the person I felt
most akin to in the world

183
00:08:50,099 --> 00:08:52,496
was a mother, a grandmother,
a great-grandmother,

184
00:08:52,496 --> 00:08:54,043
a great-great-grandmother.

185
00:08:54,043 --> 00:08:58,468
Me? I represented the very end
of my branch of the family tree,

186
00:08:58,468 --> 00:09:02,550
and I wasn't entirely sure
I was still connected to the trunk.

187
00:09:02,550 --> 00:09:06,254
What was the purpose of my human?

188
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,668
The year after my grandmother's death

189
00:09:08,668 --> 00:09:12,318
was the most intensely
creative of my life,

190
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:12,568
and I suppose that's because at an end,

191
00:09:12,568 --> 00:09:17,674
my thoughts gather more than they scatter.

192
00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:20,337
My thought process is not linear.

193
00:09:20,337 --> 00:09:22,920
I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.

194
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,258
I don't have a photograph memory,

195
00:09:24,258 --> 00:09:30,164
and nor is my head a static gallery
of sensibly collected think pieces.

196
00:09:30,164 --> 00:09:35,258
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving
language of hieroglyphics

197
00:09:35,258 --> 00:09:37,688
that I've developed

198
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:38,875
and I can understand fluidly

199
00:09:38,875 --> 00:09:42,335
and think deeply with
but I struggle to translate.

200
00:09:42,335 --> 00:09:45,678
I can't paint, draw, sculpt,
or even haberdash,

201
00:09:45,678 --> 00:09:48,774
and as for the written word,

202
00:09:48,774 --> 00:09:51,441
I'm OK at it but it's
a tortuous process of translation,

203
00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:56,448
and I don't feel it does the job.

204
00:09:56,448 --> 00:10:00,562
And as far as speaking my own mind,
like I said, I'm not great at it.

205
00:10:00,562 --> 00:10:04,265
Speech has always felt
like an inadequate freeze frame

206
00:10:04,265 --> 00:10:06,964
for the life inside of me.

207
00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:09,834
All this to say, I've always understood

208
00:10:09,834 --> 00:10:14,209
far more than I've ever
been able to communicate.

209
00:10:14,209 --> 00:10:17,162
Now about a year before grandma died,

210
00:10:17,162 --> 00:10:19,165
I was formally diagnosed with autism.

211
00:10:19,165 --> 00:10:21,300
Now for me, that was mostly good news.

212
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:27,190
I always thought that I couldn't
sort my life out like a normal person

213
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:29,848
because I was depressed and anxious,

214
00:10:29,848 --> 00:10:31,370
but it turns out

215
00:10:31,370 --> 00:10:33,368
I was depressed and anxious

216
00:10:33,368 --> 00:10:36,445
because I couldn't sort my life out
like a normal person

217
00:10:36,445 --> 00:10:38,647
because I was not a normal person,

218
00:10:38,647 --> 00:10:40,444
and I didn't know it.

219
00:10:40,444 --> 00:10:42,955
Now, this is not to say
I still don't struggle.

220
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:45,167
Every day is a bit of a struggle,

221
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:45,933
to be honest.

222
00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:48,628
But at least now I know
what my struggle is,

223
00:10:48,628 --> 00:10:52,176
and getting to the starting line
of normal is not it.

224
00:10:52,176 --> 00:10:54,690
My struggle is not to escape the storm.

225
00:10:54,690 --> 00:10:57,956
My struggle is to find the eye
of the storm as best I can.

226
00:10:57,956 --> 00:11:04,141
Now, apart from the usual way
us spectrum types find our calm --

227
00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:08,538
repetitive behaviors, routine,
and obsessive thinking --

228
00:11:08,538 --> 00:11:11,233
I have another surprising doorway

229
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:14,718
into the eye of the storm:

230
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:16,477
stand-up comedy.

231
00:11:16,477 --> 00:11:19,310
And if you need any more proof
I'm neurodivergent, yes,

232
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:25,226
I am calm doing a thing
that scares the hell out of most people.

233
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,017
I'm almost dead inside up here.

234
00:11:28,017 --> 00:11:31,329
(Laughter)

235
00:11:31,329 --> 00:11:35,207
Diagnosis gave me a framework
on which to hang bits of me

236
00:11:35,207 --> 00:11:36,766
I could never understand.

237
00:11:36,766 --> 00:11:39,029
My misfit suddenly had a fit,

238
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:41,593
and for a while I got giddy
with a newfound confidence

239
00:11:41,593 --> 00:11:43,512
I had in my thinking.

240
00:11:43,512 --> 00:11:47,724
But after Grandma died,
that confidence took a dive,

241
00:11:47,724 --> 00:11:51,320
because thinking is how I grieve,

242
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,117
and in that grief of thought,

243
00:11:53,117 --> 00:11:56,151
I could suddenly see with so much clarity

244
00:11:56,151 --> 00:11:59,328
just how profoundly isolated I was

245
00:11:59,328 --> 00:12:02,423
and always had been.

246
00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:06,883
What was the purpose of my human?

247
00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:12,997
I began to think a lot about how autism
and PTSD have so much in common,

248
00:12:12,997 --> 00:12:16,414
and I started to worry,
because I had both.

249
00:12:16,414 --> 00:12:20,448
Could I ever untangle them?

250
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,112
I'd always been told
that the way out of trauma

251
00:12:23,112 --> 00:12:25,726
was through a cohesive narrative.

252
00:12:25,726 --> 00:12:28,346
I had a cohesive narrative,

253
00:12:28,346 --> 00:12:31,492
but I was still
at the mercy of my traumas.

254
00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:35,225
They were all part of my soup,
but the onions still stung,

255
00:12:35,225 --> 00:12:37,934
and at that point, I realized

256
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:40,568
that I'd been telling
my stories for laughs.

257
00:12:40,568 --> 00:12:43,459
I'd been trimming away the darkness,
cutting away the pain,

258
00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:48,267
and holding on to my trauma
for the comfort of my audience.

259
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,683
I was connecting
other people through laughs,

260
00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:53,876
yet I remained profoundly disconnected.

261
00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:57,305
What was the purpose of my human?

262
00:12:57,305 --> 00:12:58,776
I did not have an answer,

263
00:12:58,776 --> 00:13:00,744
but I had an idea.

264
00:13:00,744 --> 00:13:03,846
I had an idea to tell my truth,

265
00:13:03,846 --> 00:13:05,930
all of it,

266
00:13:05,930 --> 00:13:11,183
not to share laughs but to share
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma,

267
00:13:11,183 --> 00:13:14,629
and I thought the best way to do that
would be through a comedy show,

268
00:13:14,629 --> 00:13:16,227
and that is what I did.

269
00:13:16,227 --> 00:13:20,104
I wrote a comedy show
that did not respect the punchline,

270
00:13:20,104 --> 00:13:23,711
that line where comedians are expected
and trusted to pull their punches

271
00:13:23,711 --> 00:13:26,463
and turn them into tickles,
I did not stop.

272
00:13:26,463 --> 00:13:30,304
I punched through that line
into the metaphorical guts

273
00:13:30,304 --> 00:13:32,255
of my audience.

274
00:13:32,255 --> 00:13:35,163
I did not want to make them laugh.

275
00:13:35,163 --> 00:13:38,061
I wanted to take their breath away,

276
00:13:38,061 --> 00:13:40,613
to shock them so they
could listen to my story

277
00:13:40,613 --> 00:13:47,010
and hold my pain as individuals,
not as a mindless laughing mob.

278
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:50,418
And that's what I did,
and I called that show "Nanette."

279
00:13:50,418 --> 00:13:55,002
(Applause)

280
00:13:57,821 --> 00:14:00,002
Now, many have argued

281
00:14:00,002 --> 00:14:02,498
that "Nanette" is not a comedy show,

282
00:14:02,498 --> 00:14:04,741
and while I can agree --

283
00:14:04,741 --> 00:14:07,163
it is definitely not a comedy show --

284
00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,268
those people are still wrong

285
00:14:09,268 --> 00:14:10,670
(Laughter)

286
00:14:10,670 --> 00:14:12,518
because they have framed their argument

287
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:16,995
as a way of saying
"I failed to do comedy."

288
00:14:16,995 --> 00:14:20,517
I did not fail to do comedy.

289
00:14:20,517 --> 00:14:23,939
I took everything I knew about comedy,

290
00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:26,924
all the tricks, the tools, the knowhow,

291
00:14:26,924 --> 00:14:30,218
I took all that, and with it,
I broke comedy.

292
00:14:30,218 --> 00:14:32,475
You cannot break comedy with comedy

293
00:14:32,475 --> 00:14:35,092
if you fail at comedy.

294
00:14:35,092 --> 00:14:37,361
Flaccid be thy hammer.

295
00:14:37,361 --> 00:14:41,474
(Laughter) (Applause)

296
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,440
That was not my point.

297
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:50,128
The point was not simply to break comedy.

298
00:14:50,128 --> 00:14:53,057
The point was to break comedy
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,

299
00:14:53,057 --> 00:14:58,105
reform it into something
that could better hold everything

300
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,781
I needed to share,

301
00:14:59,781 --> 00:15:04,278
and that is what I meant
when I said I quit comedy.

302
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:08,566
Now, it's probably at this point
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,

303
00:15:08,566 --> 00:15:11,125
but what are the three ideas exactly?

304
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:12,927
It's a bit vague."

305
00:15:12,927 --> 00:15:14,764
I'm glad I pretended you asked.

306
00:15:14,764 --> 00:15:19,083
(Laughter)

307
00:15:19,083 --> 00:15:24,090
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you
who have already identified three ideas.

308
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,124
Smart crowd, by all accounts,

309
00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:29,438
so I wouldn't be surprised at all.

310
00:15:29,438 --> 00:15:33,331
But you might be surprised to find out
that I don't have three ideas.

311
00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:36,831
I told you I had three ideas,
and that was a lie.

312
00:15:36,831 --> 00:15:40,166
That was pure misdirection and very funny.

313
00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:46,677
What I've done instead is I've taken
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds

314
00:15:46,677 --> 00:15:49,765
and I've scattered them
all throughout my talk.

315
00:15:49,765 --> 00:15:51,962
And why did I do that?

316
00:15:51,962 --> 00:15:54,753
Well, apart from shits and giggles,

317
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:58,002
it comes down to something
my grandma always used to say.

318
00:15:58,002 --> 00:16:04,577
"It's not the garden,
it's the gardening that counts."

319
00:16:04,577 --> 00:16:08,417
And "Nanette" taught me
the truth to that truism.

320
00:16:08,417 --> 00:16:11,751
I fully expected by breaking
the contract of comedy

321
00:16:11,751 --> 00:16:16,776
and telling my story
in all its truth and pain

322
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,640
that that would push me further
into the margins of both life and art.

323
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:27,467
I expected that, and I was willing to pay
that cost in order to tell my truth.

324
00:16:28,623 --> 00:16:30,780
But that is not what happened.

325
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:35,259
The world did not push me away.
It pulled me closer.

326
00:16:35,259 --> 00:16:38,123
Through an act of disconnection,
I found connection,

327
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:42,491
and it took me a long time to understand

328
00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:44,547
that what is at the heart
of that contradiction

329
00:16:44,547 --> 00:16:47,489
is also at the heart of the contradiction

330
00:16:47,489 --> 00:16:51,929
as to why I can be so good
at something I am so bad at.

331
00:16:53,499 --> 00:16:55,226
You see, in the real world,

332
00:16:55,226 --> 00:16:57,071
I struggle to talk to people

333
00:16:57,071 --> 00:16:59,646
because my neurodiversity

334
00:16:59,646 --> 00:17:03,625
makes it difficult for me to think,

335
00:17:03,625 --> 00:17:07,075
listen, speak, and process
new information all at the same time,

336
00:17:07,075 --> 00:17:11,464
but onstage, I don't have to think.

337
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,996
I prepare my thinks well in advance.

338
00:17:13,996 --> 00:17:16,389
I don't have to listen. That is your job.

339
00:17:16,389 --> 00:17:17,922
(Laughter)

340
00:17:17,922 --> 00:17:20,426
And I don't really have to talk,

341
00:17:20,426 --> 00:17:23,317
because strictly speaking, I'm reciting.

342
00:17:23,317 --> 00:17:26,457
So all that is left

343
00:17:26,457 --> 00:17:29,314
is for me to do my best

344
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:35,862
to make a genuine connection
with my audience.

345
00:17:36,063 --> 00:17:39,219
And if the experience of "Nanette"
taught me anything,

346
00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:44,175
it's that connection depends
not just on me.

347
00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:46,837
You play a part.

348
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:50,334
"Nanette" may have begun in me,

349
00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:55,494
but she now lives and grows
in a whole world of other minds,

350
00:17:55,494 --> 00:17:56,005
minds I do not share

351
00:17:56,005 --> 00:17:56,255
but I trust I am connected,

352
00:17:56,255 --> 00:18:03,602
and in that, she is so much
bigger than me,

353
00:18:03,602 --> 00:18:06,367
just like the purpose of being human

354
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:09,350
is so much bigger than all of us.

355
00:18:09,350 --> 00:18:10,775
Make of that what you will.

356
00:18:10,775 --> 00:18:13,528
Thank you, and hello.

357
00:18:13,528 --> 00:18:18,919
(Applause)