1
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My name is Hannah,

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and that is a palindrome.

3
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That is a word you can spell
the same forwards and backwards,

4
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
if you can spell.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But the thing is, my entire family
have palindromic names.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's a bit of a tradition.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We've got Mum, Dad,

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(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Nan, Pop.

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And my brother Kayak.

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(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There you go.

13
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's just a big a joke, there.

14
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I like to kick things off with a joke
because I'm a comedian.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, there's two things
you know about me already.

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My name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.

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I wasting no time.

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Here's a third thing
you can know about me.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't think I'm qualified
to speak my own mind.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Bold way to begin a talk, yes,

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but it's true.

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I've always had a great deal of difficulty

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
turning my thinking into the talking.

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So it seems a bit of a contradiction then

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that someone like me
who is so bad at the chat

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
could be something like
a stand-up comedian,

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but there you go. There you go.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's what it is.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I first tried my hand
at stand-up comedi--, comedie.

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See? See? See?

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(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy

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in my late 20s,

35
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and despite being a pathologically shy
virtual mute with low self-esteem

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who'd never held a microphone before,

37
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I knew as soon as I walked
and stood in front of the audience,

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I knew, before I'd even
landed my first joke,

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I knew that I really liked stand-up,

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and stand-up really liked me.

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But for the life of me,
I couldn't work out why.

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Why is it I could be so good
at doing something I was so bad at?

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(Laughter)

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I just couldn't work it out.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I could not understand it,
that is until I could.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now before I explain to you why it is

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that I can be good
at something I'm so bad at,

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
let me throw another spanner
of contradiction into the works

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
by telling you that not long after
I worked out why that was,

50
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I decided to quit comedy.

51
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And before I explain
that little oppositional cat

52
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I just threw among the thinking pigeons,

53
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let me also tell you this:

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quitting launched my comedy career.

55
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It really launched it, to the point
where after quitting comedy,

57
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I became the most talked-about
comedian on the planet,

58
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because apparently I'm even worse
than making retirement plans

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
than I am at speaking my own mind.

60
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, all I've done up until this point
apart from giving over a spattering

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of biographical detail is to tell you
indirectly that I have three ideas

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that I want to share with you today,

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and I've done that by way of sharing
three contradictions:

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one, I am bad at talking,
I am good at talking;

65
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I quit, I did not quit.

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Three ideas, three contradictions.

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Now, if you're wondering
why there's only two things

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on my so-called list of three

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I remind you it is literally
a list of contradictions.

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Keep up.

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(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, the folks at TED advised me
that with a talk of this length,

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it's best to stick
with just sharing one idea.

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I said no.

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(Laughter)

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, what would they know?

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To explain why I have chosen to ignore
what is clearly very good advice,

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I want to take you back
to the beginning of this talk,

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specifically my palindrome joke.

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Now that joke uses my favorite trick
of the comedian trade,

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the rule of three,

83
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whereby you make a statement

84
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and then back that statement up

85
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with a list.

86
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My entire family have palindromic names:

87
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Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.

88
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The first two ideas create a pattern,

89
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and that pattern creates expectation,

90
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and then the third thing, bam,

91
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Kayak, what? That's the rule of three.

92
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
One, two, surprise! Haha.

93
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now (Laughter)

94
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now the rule of three is not only
fundamental to the way I do my craft,

95
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it is also fundamental
to the way I communicate,

96
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so I won't be changing
anything for nobody,

97
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not even TED,

98
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
which, I will point out,
stands for three ideas:

99
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
technology, entertainment,

100
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and dickheads.

101
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

102
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Works every time, doesn't it.

103
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But you need more than just jokes

104
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to be able to cut it
as a professional comedian.

105
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You need to be able to walk
that fine line between being charming

106
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and disarming.

107
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I discovered the most effective way
to generate the amount of charm I needed

108
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to offset my disarming personality

109
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was through not jokes but stories.

110
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So my stand-up routines
are filled with stories:

111
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stories about growing up,
my coming out story,

112
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stories about the abuse I caught
for being not only a woman

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but a big woman

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and a masculine-of-center woman.

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If you watch my work online,
check the comments out below

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for examples of abuse.

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Now it's that time in the talk
where I shift into second gear,

118
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and I'm going to tell you a story
about everything I've just said.

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In the last few days of her life,

120
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my grandma was surrounded by people,

121
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a lot of people,

122
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because my grandma
was the loving matriarch

123
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of a large and loving family.

124
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Now, if you haven't made
the connection already,

125
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I am a member of that family.

126
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Now I was lucky enough
to be able to say goodbye

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to my grandma on the day she died,

128
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but as she was already
cocooned within herself by then,

129
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it was something of a one-sided goodbye.

130
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So I thought about a lot of things,

131
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things I haven't thought about
in a long time,

132
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like the letters I used
to write to my grandma

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when I first started university,

134
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letters I filled with funny stories
and anecdotes that I embellished

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for her amusement,

136
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and I remembered how I couldn't
articulate the anxiety and fear

137
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that filled me as I tried
to carve my tiny little life

138
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into a world that felt far too big for me.

139
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I remembered finding
comfort in those letters,

140
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because I wrote them
with my grandma in mind.

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But as the world
got more and more overwhelming

142
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and my ability to negotiate it
got worse, not better,

143
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I stopped writing those letters.

144
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just didn't think I had the life
that grandma would want to read about.

145
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Grandma did not know I was gay,

146
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and about six months before she died,

147
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out of nowhere, she asked me
if I had a boyfriend.

148
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Now, I remember making
a conscious decision in that moment

149
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
not to come out to my grandmother,

150
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I did that because I knew her life
was drawing to an end,

151
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and my time with her was finite,

152
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and I did not want to talk
about the ways we were different.

153
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I wanted to talk about
the ways were we connected.

154
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So I changed the subject.

155
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And at the time it felt
like the right decision.

156
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But as I sat witness
to my grandmother's life

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as it tapered to its inevitable end,

158
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I couldn't help but feel
I'd made a mistake

159
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
not to share such a significant
part of my life.

160
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I also knew that
I'd missed my opportunity,

161
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and as grandma always used to say,

162
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"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.

163
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Too late to take the onions out now."

164
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

165
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I thought about that,

166
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I thought about how I
had to deal with too many onions

167
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
as a kid,

168
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
growing up gay in a state
where homosexuality in illegal,

169
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and with that thought I could see

170
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
how tightly wrapped in the tendrils
of my own internalize shame I was,

171
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and with that, I thought
about all my traumas:

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the violence, the abuse, my rape,

173
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and with all that cluster of thinking,

174
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a thought, a question,
kept popping into my mind

175
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to which I had no answer:

176
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
what is the purpose of my human?

177
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Out of anyone in my family,
I felt the most akin to my grandmother,

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and we shared the most traits in common.

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Not so much these days.

180
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Death really changes people.

181
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But that (Laughter)
is my grandmother's sense of humor.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But the person I felt
most akin to in the world

183
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
was a mother, a grandmother,
a great-grandmother,

184
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a great-great-grandmother.

185
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Me? I represented the very end
of my branch of the family tree,

186
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and I wasn't entirely sure
I was still connected to the trunk.

187
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What was the purpose of my human?

188
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The year after my grandmother's death

189
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
was the most intensely
creative of my life,

190
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I suppose that's because at an end,

191
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
my thoughts gather more than they scatter.

192
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My thought process is not linear.

193
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.

194
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't have a photograph memory,

195
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and nor is my head a static gallery
of sensibly collected think pieces.

196
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving
language of hieroglyphics

197
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that I've developed

198
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I can understand fluidly

199
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and think deeply with
but I struggle to translate.

200
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I can't paint, draw, sculpt,
or even haberdash,

201
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and as for the written word,

202
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm OK at it but it's
a tortuous process of translation,

203
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I don't feel it does the job.

204
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And as far as speaking my own mind,
like I said, I'm not great at it.

205
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Speech has always felt
like an inadequate freeze frame

206
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for the life inside of me.

207
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
All this to say, I've always understood

208
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
far more than I've ever
been able to communicate.

209
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now about a year before grandma died,

210
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was formally diagnosed with autism.

211
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now for me, that was mostly good news.

212
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I always thought that I couldn't
sort my life out like a normal person

213
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because I was depressed and anxious,

214
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but it turns out

215
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was depressed and anxious

216
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because I couldn't sort my life out
like a normal person

217
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because I was not a normal person,

218
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I didn't know it.

219
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this is not to say
I still don't struggle.

220
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Every day is a bit of a struggle,

221
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to be honest.

222
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But at least now I know
what my struggle is,

223
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and getting to the starting line
of normal is not it.

224
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My struggle is not to escape the storm.

225
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My struggle is to find the eye
of the storm as best I can.

226
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, apart from the usual way
us spectrum types find our calm --

227
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
repetitive behaviors, routine,
and obsessive thinking --

228
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I have another surprising doorway

229
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
into the eye of the storm:

230
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
stand-up comedy.

231
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And if you need any more proof
I'm neurodivergent, yes,

232
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I am calm doing a thing
that scares the hell out of most people.

233
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm almost dead inside up here.

234
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

235
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Diagnosis gave me a framework
on which to hang bits of me

236
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I could never understand.

237
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My misfit suddenly had a fit,

238
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and for a while I got giddy
with a newfound confidence

239
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I had in my thinking.

240
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But after Grandma died,
that confidence took a dive,

241
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because thinking is how I grieve,

242
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and in that grief of thought,

243
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I could suddenly see with so much clarity

244
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
just how profoundly isolated I was

245
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and always had been.

246
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What was the purpose of my human?

247
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I began to think a lot about how autism
and PTSD have so much in common,

248
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I started to worry,
because I had both.

249
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Could I ever untangle them?

250
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'd always been told
that the way out of trauma

251
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
was through a cohesive narrative.

252
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I had a cohesive narrative,

253
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but I was still
at the mercy of my traumas.

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They were all part of my soup,
but the onions still stung,

255
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and at that point, I realized

256
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that I'd been telling
my stories for laughs.

257
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I'd been trimming away the darkness,
cutting away the pain,

258
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and holding on to my trauma
for the comfort of my audience.

259
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I was connecting
other people through laughs,

260
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yet I remained profoundly disconnected.

261
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What was the purpose of my human?

262
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I did not have an answer,

263
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but I had an idea.

264
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I had an idea to tell my truth,

265
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all of it,

266
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not to share laughs but to share
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma,

267
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and I thought the best way to do that
would be through a comedy show,

268
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and that is what I did.

269
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I wrote a comedy show
that did not respect the punchline,

270
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that line where comedians are expected
and trusted to pull their punches

271
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and turn them into tickles,
I did not stop.

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I punched through that line
into the metaphorical guts

273
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of my audience.

274
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I did not want to make them laugh.

275
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I wanted to take their breath away,

276
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to shock them so they
could listen to my story

277
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and hold my pain as individuals,
not as a mindless laughing mob.

278
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And that's what I did,
and I called that show "Nanette."

279
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Applause)

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Now, many have argued

281
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that "Nanette" is not a comedy show,

282
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and while I can agree --

283
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it is definitely not a comedy show --

284
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those people are still wrong

285
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

286
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because they have framed their argument

287
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as a way of saying
"I failed to do comedy."

288
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I did not fail to do comedy.

289
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I took everything I knew about comedy,

290
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all the tricks, the tools, the knowhow,

291
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I took all that, and with it,
I broke comedy.

292
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You cannot break comedy with comedy

293
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if you fail at comedy.

294
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Flaccid be thy hammer.

295
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(Laughter) (Applause)

296
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That was not my point.

297
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The point was not simply to break comedy.

298
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The point was to break comedy
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,

299
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reform it into something
that could better hold everything

300
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I needed to share,

301
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and that is what I meant
when I said I quit comedy.

302
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Now, it's probably at this point
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,

303
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but what are the three ideas exactly?

304
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It's a bit vague."

305
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I'm glad I pretended you asked.

306
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(Laughter)

307
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Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you
who have already identified three ideas.

308
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Smart crowd, by all accounts,

309
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so I wouldn't be surprised at all.

310
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But you might be surprised to find out
that I don't have three ideas.

311
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I told you I had three ideas,
and that was a lie.

312
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That was pure misdirection and very funny.

313
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What I've done instead is I've taken
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds

314
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I've scattered them
all throughout my talk.

315
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And why did I do that?

316
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, apart from shits and giggles,

317
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it comes down to something
my grandma always used to say.

318
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"It's not the garden,
it's the gardening that counts."

319
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And "Nanette" taught me
the truth to that truism.

320
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I fully expected by breaking
the contract of comedy

321
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and telling my story
in all its truth and pain

322
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that that would push me further
into the margins of both life and art.

323
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I expected that, and I was willing to pay
that cost in order to tell my truth.

324
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But that is not what happened.

325
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The world did not push me away.
It pulled me closer.

326
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Through an act of disconnection,
I found connection,

327
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and it took me a long time to understand

328
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that what is at the heart
of that contradiction

329
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is also at the heart of the contradiction

330
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
as to why I can be so good
at something I am so bad at.

331
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You see, in the real world,

332
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I struggle to talk to people

333
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because my neurodiversity

334
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
makes it difficult for me to think,

335
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
listen, speak, and process
new information all at the same time,

336
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but onstage, I don't have to think.

337
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I prepare my thinks well in advance.

338
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't have to listen. That is your job.

339
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Laughter)

340
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I don't really have to talk,

341
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because strictly speaking, I'm reciting.

342
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So all that is left

343
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is for me to do my best

344
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to make a genuine connection
with my audience.

345
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And if the experience of "Nanette"
taught me anything,

346
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it's that connection depends
not just on me.

347
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You play a part.

348
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Nanette" may have begun in me,

349
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but she now lives and grows
in a whole world of other minds,

350
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
minds I do not share

351
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but I trust I am connected,

352
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and in that, she is so much
bigger than me,

353
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
just like the purpose of being human

354
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is so much bigger than all of us.

355
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Make of that what you will.

356
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Thank you, and hello.

357
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Applause)