[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name is Hannah,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is a palindrome.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is a word you can spell\Nthe same forwards and backwards,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you can spell.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the thing is, my entire family\Nhave palindromic names.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a bit of a tradition.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got Mum, Dad,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my brother Kayak.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There you go.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's just a big a joke, there.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to kick things off with a joke\Nbecause I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there's two things\Nyou know about me already.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasting no time.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a third thing\Nyou can know about me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think I'm qualified\Nto speak my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bold way to begin a talk, yes,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's true.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always had a great deal of difficulty
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,turning my thinking into the talking.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it seems a bit of a contradiction then
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that someone like me\Nwho is so bad at the chat
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could be something like\Na stand-up comedian,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there you go. There you go.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what it is.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand\Nat stand-up comedi--, comedie.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? See? See?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my late 20s,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and despite being a pathologically shy\Nvirtual mute with low self-esteem
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who'd never held a microphone before,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew as soon as I walked\Nand stood in front of the audience,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew, before I'd even\Nlanded my first joke,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew that I really liked stand-up,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and stand-up really liked me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for the life of me,\NI couldn't work out why.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is it I could be so good\Nat doing something I was so bad at?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just couldn't work it out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could not understand it,\Nthat is until I could.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now before I explain to you why it is
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I can be good\Nat something I'm so bad at,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me throw another spanner\Nof contradiction into the works
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by telling you that not long after\NI worked out why that was,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided to quit comedy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And before I explain\Nthat little oppositional cat
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just threw among the thinking pigeons,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me also tell you this:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,quitting launched my comedy career.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really launched it, to the point\Nwhere after quitting comedy,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became the most talked-about\Ncomedian on the planet,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because apparently I'm even worse\Nthan making retirement plans
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than I am at speaking my own mind.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, all I've done up until this point\Napart from giving over a spattering
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of biographical detail is to tell you\Nindirectly that I have three ideas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I want to share with you today,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've done that by way of sharing\Nthree contradictions:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one, I am bad at talking,\NI am good at talking;
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quit, I did not quit.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Three ideas, three contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you're wondering\Nwhy there's only two things
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on my so-called list of three
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remind you it is literally\Na list of contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Keep up.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the folks at TED advised me\Nthat with a talk of this length,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's best to stick\Nwith just sharing one idea.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said no.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, what would they know?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To explain why I have chosen to ignore\Nwhat is clearly very good advice,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to take you back\Nto the beginning of this talk,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,specifically my palindrome joke.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now that joke uses my favorite trick\Nof the comedian trade,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rule of three,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whereby you make a statement
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then back that statement up
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a list.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My entire family have palindromic names:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first two ideas create a pattern,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that pattern creates expectation,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the third thing, bam,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Kayak, what? That's the rule of three.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, two, surprise! Haha.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now (Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now the rule of three is not only\Nfundamental to the way I do my craft,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is also fundamental\Nto the way I communicate,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I won't be changing\Nanything for nobody,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not even TED,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which, I will point out,\Nstands for three ideas:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,technology, entertainment,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and dickheads.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Works every time, doesn't it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you need more than just jokes
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be able to cut it\Nas a professional comedian.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to be able to walk\Nthat fine line between being charming
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and disarming.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I discovered the most effective way\Nto generate the amount of charm I needed
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to offset my disarming personality
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was through not jokes but stories.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my stand-up routines\Nare filled with stories:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about growing up,\Nmy coming out story,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stories about the abuse I caught\Nfor being not only a woman
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but a big woman
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a masculine-of-center woman.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you watch my work online,\Ncheck the comments out below
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for examples of abuse.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's that time in the talk\Nwhere I shift into second gear,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to tell you a story\Nabout everything I've just said.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the last few days of her life,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my grandma was surrounded by people,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of people,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my grandma\Nwas the loving matriarch
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a large and loving family.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you haven't made\Nthe connection already,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a member of that family.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I was lucky enough\Nto be able to say goodbye
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to my grandma on the day she died,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as she was already\Ncocooned within herself by then,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought about a lot of things,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things I haven't thought about\Nin a long time,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like the letters I used\Nto write to my grandma
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I first started university,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,letters I filled with funny stories\Nand anecdotes that I embellished
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for her amusement,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I remembered how I couldn't\Narticulate the anxiety and fear
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that filled me as I tried\Nto carve my tiny little life
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a world that felt far too big for me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I remembered finding\Ncomfort in those letters,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I wrote them\Nwith my grandma in mind.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as the world\Ngot more and more overwhelming
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my ability to negotiate it\Ngot worse, not better,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stopped writing those letters.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just didn't think I had the life\Nthat grandma would want to read about.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grandma did not know I was gay,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and about six months before she died,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of nowhere, she asked me\Nif I had a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I remember making\Na conscious decision in that moment
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to come out to my grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did that because I knew her life\Nwas drawing to an end,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my time with her was finite,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I did not want to talk\Nabout the ways we were different.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to talk about\Nthe ways were we connected.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I changed the subject.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the time it felt\Nlike the right decision.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as I sat witness\Nto my grandmother's life
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as it tapered to its inevitable end,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't help but feel\NI'd made a mistake
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to share such a significant\Npart of my life.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I also knew that\NI'd missed my opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as grandma always used to say,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Too late to take the onions out now."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought about that,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought about how I\Nhad to deal with too many onions
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a kid,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growing up gay in a state\Nwhere homosexuality in illegal,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with that thought I could see
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how tightly wrapped in the tendrils\Nof my own internalize shame I was,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with that, I thought\Nabout all my traumas:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the violence, the abuse, my rape,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with all that cluster of thinking,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a thought, a question,\Nkept popping into my mind
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to which I had no answer:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Out of anyone in my family,\NI felt the most akin to my grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we shared the most traits in common.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not so much these days.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Death really changes people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that (Laughter)\Nis my grandmother's sense of humor.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the person I felt\Nmost akin to in the world
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a mother, a grandmother,\Na great-grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a great-great-grandmother.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Me? I represented the very end\Nof my branch of the family tree,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wasn't entirely sure\NI was still connected to the trunk.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The year after my grandmother's death
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was the most intensely\Ncreative of my life,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I suppose that's because at an end,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my thoughts gather more than they scatter.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My thought process is not linear.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have a photograph memory,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and nor is my head a static gallery\Nof sensibly collected think pieces.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's more that I've got this ever-evolving\Nlanguage of hieroglyphics
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I've developed
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can understand fluidly
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and think deeply with\Nbut I struggle to translate.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't paint, draw, sculpt,\Nor even haberdash,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as for the written word,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm OK at it but it's\Na tortuous process of translation,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't feel it does the job.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as far as speaking my own mind,\Nlike I said, I'm not great at it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speech has always felt\Nlike an inadequate freeze frame
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the life inside of me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All this to say, I've always understood
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,far more than I've ever\Nbeen able to communicate.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now about a year before grandma died,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was formally diagnosed with autism.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now for me, that was mostly good news.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always thought that I couldn't\Nsort my life out like a normal person
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was depressed and anxious,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it turns out
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was depressed and anxious
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I couldn't sort my life out\Nlike a normal person
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was not a normal person,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this is not to say\NI still don't struggle.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every day is a bit of a struggle,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be honest.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at least now I know\Nwhat my struggle is,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and getting to the starting line\Nof normal is not it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is not to escape the storm.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My struggle is to find the eye\Nof the storm as best I can.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, apart from the usual way\Nus spectrum types find our calm --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,repetitive behaviors, routine,\Nand obsessive thinking --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have another surprising doorway
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the eye of the storm:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stand-up comedy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you need any more proof\NI'm neurodivergent, yes,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am calm doing a thing\Nthat scares the hell out of most people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm almost dead inside up here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Diagnosis gave me a framework\Non which to hang bits of me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could never understand.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My misfit suddenly had a fit,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for a while I got giddy\Nwith a newfound confidence
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had in my thinking.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But after Grandma died,\Nthat confidence took a dive,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because thinking is how I grieve,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that grief of thought,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could suddenly see with so much clarity
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just how profoundly isolated I was
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and always had been.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was the purpose of my human?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to think a lot about how autism\Nand PTSD have so much in common,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started to worry,\Nbecause I had both.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could I ever untangle them?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd always been told\Nthat the way out of trauma