My guest tonight has written three best-selling books;
and his TED talk on inspiring leadership is one of the most-watched of all time.
When he talks it is impossible not to listen.
My name is simon Sinek, and
I have a clear vision of what I want to build in this world.
I Imagine a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning:
Inspired to go to work,
feel safe when they're there,
and return home fulfilled at the end of the day.
And I promise you
Our guest will help you acquire the behaviors,
and thought patterns you need to be successful in anything that you're trying to accomplish.
I have yet to give a speech, or have a meeting where somebody doesn't ask me the Millenial question.
What's the millennial question?
Apparently Millennials, as a generation
- which is a group of people who were born approximately 1984 and after -
are tough to manage;
and they're accused of being entitled,
and narcissistic,
self-interested,
unfocused,
lazy.
But entitled is the big one.
And, because they confound leadership so much,
what's happening is leaders are asking the Millennials:
"What do you want?"
And Millennials are saying:
"We want to work in a place with purpose." love that.
"We want to make an impact." you know, whatever that means.
"We want free food, and bean bags."
and so…
Somebody articulates some sort of purpose.
There's lots of free food, and there's bean bags;
and yet for some reason
they are still not happy.
And that's because
There's a missing piece.
What I've learned is
I can break it down into four pieces, right?
There are four things, four characteristics.
One is parenting,
the other one is technology,
the third is impatience,
and the fourth is environment.
The generation, that we call the Millennials,
too many of them grew up
subject to, not my words,
failed parenting strategies.
You know?
Where, for example,
they were told that they were special… all the time;
they were told that they can have anything they want in life,
just because they want it.
They were told…
Some of them got into
honors classes, not because they deserved it, but because their parents complained.
And some of them got "A"s not because they earned them
but because the teachers didn't want to deal with the parents.
Some kids got participation medals. They got a medal for coming in last. Right?
Which the science, we know is pretty clear,
which is it devalues the metal and the reward for those who actually work hard,
and that actually makes the person who comes in last feel embarrassed,
because they know they didn't deserve it so it actually makes them feel worse. Right?
So you take this group of people,
and they graduate school, and they get a job,
and they're thrust into the real world.
And in an instant they find out: they're not special;
their moms can't get them a promotion;
that you get nothing for coming in last;
and, by the way, you can't just have it because you want it.
And in an instant their entire self-image is shattered.
And so you have an entire generation that's growing up with lower self-esteem than previous generations.
The other problem to compound it is:
we're growing up in a Facebook-Instagram world.
In other words, we're good at putting filters on things.
We're good at showing people that life is amazing, even though I'm depressed. Right?
And so everybody sounds tough, and everybody sounds like they got it all figure it out.
And the reality is: there's very little toughness, and most people don't have it figured out.
And so when the more senior people say
"Well, what should we do?"
they sound like "This is what you gotta do!"
And they have no clue.
Audience: [ Laughter ]
So you have an entire generation growing up with lower self-esteem than previous generations. Right?
Through no fault of their own.
Through no fault of their own, right?
They were dealt a bad hand.
Now let's add in technology.
We know that engagement with social media,
and our cell phones,
releases a chemical called dopamine.
That's why when you get a text feels good. Right?
So you know we've all had it: when you're feeling a little bit down or feeling a bit lonely,
And so you send out ten texts to ten friends, you know,
hi. hi. hi. hi. hi.
Cause it feels good when you get a response, right?
Right? It's why we count the likes
It's why we go back ten times to see if…
and if it's going…
and my Instagram is growing slower.
I would… did I do something wrong? Do they not like me anymore? Right?
The trauma for young kids to be unfriended, right?
Because we know when you get it you get a hit a dopamine which feels good.
It's why we like it.
It's why we keep going back to it.
Dopamine is the exact same chemical
that makes us feel good when we smoke, when we drink, and when we gamble.
In other words:
It's highly, highly addictive.
Right?
we have age restrictions on smoking, gambling, and alcohol.
And we have no age restrictions on social media and cell phones.
Which is the equivalent of opening up the liquor cabinet and saying to our teenagers
"hey by the way, this adolescence thing, if it gets you down…"
But that's basically what's happening.
That's basically what's happening, right?
That's basically what happened.
You have an entire generation that has access to an addictive
numbing chemical, called dopamine, through social media and cellphones
as they're going through the high stress of adolescence.
Why is this important? Almost every alcoholic
discovered alcohol when they were teenagers.
When we're very very young the only approval we need is the approval of our parents.
And as we go through adolescence we make this transition where we now need the approval of our peers.
Very frustrating for our parents;
very important for us.
That allows us to acculturate outside of our immediate families into the broader tribe.
Right? It's a highly highly stressful and anxious period of our lives;
and we're supposed to learn to rely on our friends.
Some people, quite by accident, discover alcohol, and numbing effects of dopamine,
to help them cope with the stresses and anxieties of adolescence.
Unfortunately that becomes hardwired in their brains
and, for the rest of their lives,
when they suffer significant stress they will not turn to a person they will turn to the bottle.
Social stress, financial stress, career stress.
That's pretty much the primary reasons why an alcoholic drinks, right?
What's happening is,
because we're allowing unfettered access to these dopamine producing devices and media,
basically, it's becoming hardwired. and what we're seeing is as they grow older.
To many kids don't know how to form deep meaningful relationships.
Their words not mine.
They will admit that many of their friendships are superficial
They will admit that their friends…
that they don't count on their friends, they don't rely on their friends. They have fun with their friends.
But they also know that their friends will cancel out them that something better comes along
Deep meaningful relationships are not there because they never practice the skill set,
and worse they don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with stress.
So when significant stress starts to show up in their lives
they're not turning to a person. They're turning to a device, they're turning to social media,
they're turning to these things which offer temporary relief.
We know, the science is clear, we know
that people who spend more time on Facebook
suffer higher rates of depression than people spend less time on Facebook.
Right? These things balanced.
Alcohol is not bad, too much alcohol is bad.
Gambling is fun, too much gambling is dangerous.
Right? There's nothing wrong with social media and cell phones.
It's the imbalance. Right? If you're sitting at dinner with your friends,
and you're texting somebody who's not there
That's a problem,
That's an addiction.
If you're sitting in a meeting,
with people you're supposed to be listening to and speaking,
and you put your phone on the table - face up or face down, I don't care -
that sends the subconscious message to the room that "you're just not that important to me right now."
Right? That's what happens.
And the fact that you cannot put it away, it's because you are addicted.
Right? If you wake up and you check your phone before you say good morning to your girlfriend boyfriend or spouse,
you have an addiction.
And like all addiction in time it will destroy relationships,
it'll cost time, and it will cost money, and will make your life worse.
Right?
So you have a generation growing up with lower self-esteem,
that doesn't have the coping mechanisms to do with stress.
Right?
Now you add in the sense of impatience. Right? They've grown up in a world of instant gratification.
You want to buy something? You go on Amazon; it arrives the next day.
You want to watch a movie? log on and watch your movie.
You don't check movie times.
You want to watch your TV show?
Binge.
You don't even have to wait week to week to week. Right?
I know people who skip seasons just so they can binge at the end of the season. Right?
Instant gratification.
You want to go on a date? You don't even have to learn how to be like:
"Hey…"
Audience: [ Laughter ]
You don't even have to learn and practice that skill.
You don't have to be the uncomfortable one which says
"yes" when you mean "no," and says "no" when you mean "no," when "yes" when you…
You don't have to. Swipe right. Bang, I'm a stud!
Audience: [ Laughter ]
Right? You don't have to learn the social coping mechanisms.
Right?
Everything you want you can have instantaneously.
Everything you want, instant gratification,
except
job satisfaction, and strength of relationships
there ain't no app for that.
They are slow,
meandering, uncomfortable, messy processes.
And so I keep meeting these wonderful fantastic idealistic hard-working smart kids.
They've just graduated school. They're in their entry-level job. I sit down with them when I go. "How's it going?" They go
"I think I'm gonna quit."
I'm like "why?"
They're like "I'm not making an impact."
I'm like "you've been here eight months."
Audience: [ Laughter ]
It's as if they're standing at the foot of a mountain,
and they have this abstract concept called impact that they want to have in the world,
which is the summit.
That they don't see is the mountain?
I don't care if you go up the mountain quickly or slowly.
But there's still a mountain.
And so what this young generation needs to learn is patience,
that some things that really really matter
like love,
or job fulfillment,
joy,
love of life, self-confidence, a skill set, any of these things.
All of these things take time.
Sometimes you can expedite pieces of it;
but the overall journey…
is arduous and long and difficult.
And if you don't ask for help and learn that skill set
you will fall off the mountain.
Or you will… the worst case scenario.
The worst case scenario.
And we're already seeing it.
The worst case scenario is we're seeing increase in suicide rates.
We're seeing an increase in this generation.
We're seeing increase in accidental deaths due to drug overdoses.
We're seeing more and more kids drop out of school or take leaves of absence due to depression
Unheard of these are this is this is really bad the best case scenario
The bet those are all bad cases right the best case scenario is you'll have an entire population
Growing up and going through life and just never really finding joy
They'll never really find deep deep fulfillment in work or in life. They'll just
Just walk through life, and it'll G. Just it's fine
How's your job? It's fine the same as yesterday?
How's your relationship? It's fine like that's that's the best case scenario
Which leads me to the the fourth point which is environment, which is we're taking this
Amazing group of young fantastic kids were just dealt a bad hand it's no fault of their own
And we put them in corporate environments that care more about the numbers
And they do about the kids they care more about the short-term gains than the long-term life of this
Young human being we care more about the year than the lifetime
Right? And so we are putting them in corporate environments that aren't helping them build their confidence
That aren't helping them learn the skills of cooperation that aren't helping them overcome the challenges of a digital world and finding more balance
That isn't helping them
overcome the need to have instant gratification and teach them the joys and impact in the
Fulfillment you get from working hard over on something for a long time that cannot be done in a month or even in a year
and
So we're thrusting to them in corporate environments and the worst part about it is they think it's them. They blame themselves
They can't they think it's them who can't deal and so it makes it all worse
It's not I'm here to tell them. It's not them. It's the corporations. It's the corporate environments
It's the total lack of good leadership in our world today. That is making them feel the way they do
They were dealt a bad hand hoods, and I hate to say it
But it's the company's responsibility sucks to be you like we have no choice, right
This is what we got and I wish that society and their parents did a better job. They didn't so we're gonna
We're getting them in our companies, and we now have to pick up the slack
We have to work extra hard to figure out the ways that we build their confidence. We have to work extra hard
To find ways to teach them social the social skills that they're missing out
There should be no cell phones and conference rooms none zero
And I don't mean the kind of like sitting outside waiting to text
I mean like when you're sitting and waiting for a meeting to start nobody go
This is what we all do we all sit here and wait for the meeting to start
Meaning starting okay, we start the meeting. No that's not how relationships are formed remember. We talked about it's the little things
Relationships are formed this way: We're waiting for a meeting to start we go
How's your dad I heard he was in hospital. Oh. He's really good. Thanks for asking. He's actually I hope no
I'm really glad it was really amazing. I know it was really scary for that's how you form relationships
Hey, did you ever get that report on oh my god? No, I didn't uh yeah
I totally uh can I help you out with that really?
That's how trust forms trust doesn't form at an event in a day even bad times. Don't form trust immediately
It's the slow
steady
Consistency and we have to create mechanisms where we allow for those little innocuous interactions to happen
but when we allow cell phones and conference rooms we just
Okay, I had the meeting and then my favorite is like when there's a cell phone there, and you go like this you go
It rings and go I'm not gonna answer that mr. Magnanimous. You know
When you're out for dinner with your friends like I I do this with my friends when we're going out for dinner
And we're leaving together
We'll leave our cell phones at home
Who we calling maybe one of us will bring the phone in case we need to call an uber or take a picture of our meal.
You guys are insane. Come on.
I am. I'm not
I'm an idealist, but I'm not insane
I mean it looked really good
we'll take one phone and
So it's like an alcoholic the reason you take the alcohol out of the house... is because we cannot trust our willpower
We're just not strong enough, but when you remove the temptation
It actually makes it a lot easier
and so when you just say don't check your phone people literally will go like this and somebody will go to the bathroom and what's
The first thing we do
Because I wouldn't want to look around the restaurant for a minute and a half you know, but if you don't have the phone
You just kind of enjoy the world and that's where ideas happen
The constant, constant, constant engagement is not where you have innovation and ideas
Ideas happen when our minds wonder we go and you see something uh I bet they could do that that's called innovation
Right? But we're taking away all those little moments
Right? you should not... none of us none of us should charge our phones by our beds
We should be charging our phones in the living rooms
Right remove the temptation you wake up in the middle of night because you can't sleep you won't check your phone
Which makes it worse, but if it's in the living room?
Its relaxed it's fine, but it's my alarm clock. Buy an alarm clock
They cost $8
I'll buy you an alarm clock
But the point is the point is is we now in industry
Whether we like it or not. We don't get a choice
We now have a responsibility to make up the shortfall and to help this amazing idealistic
fantastic generation build their confidence learn patience learn the social skills
Find a better balance between life and technology because quite frankly it's it's the right thing to do