WEBVTT 00:00:16.792 --> 00:00:18.418 I'm Catherine. 00:00:18.667 --> 00:00:21.750 I'm a chemistry finalist at the University of Warwick, 00:00:21.751 --> 00:00:27.834 I'm a daughter, a sister, friend, girlfriend, and recovering anorexic. 00:00:28.626 --> 00:00:32.543 I want to give you an insight into eating disorders and recovery 00:00:32.584 --> 00:00:34.293 using my journey, 00:00:34.667 --> 00:00:39.418 my journey of pain, tears, acceptance, and discovery. 00:00:40.292 --> 00:00:43.459 Eating disorders do not discriminate: 00:00:43.459 --> 00:00:47.335 gender, age, sexuality, and race mean nothing. 00:00:48.083 --> 00:00:51.042 These illnesses are not reserved for troubled teenage girls 00:00:51.054 --> 00:00:53.242 who want to look like models. 00:00:53.250 --> 00:00:57.625 They are serious illnesses with devastating consequences. 00:00:58.584 --> 00:01:03.293 Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness. 00:01:04.375 --> 00:01:07.834 I suppose the question here is: why? 00:01:08.375 --> 00:01:10.750 Why do we choose to starve ourselves, 00:01:10.751 --> 00:01:13.710 make ourselves sick, and exercise to oblivion? 00:01:14.584 --> 00:01:18.001 Why do we choose to harm ourselves and those around us? 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:23.126 The answer is simple: it's not a choice. 00:01:23.875 --> 00:01:27.146 Eating disorders are not a choice. 00:01:28.209 --> 00:01:32.833 They are a coping mechanism, a safety blanket, an identity. 00:01:32.834 --> 00:01:36.543 They make life simple by giving you a rule book for life. 00:01:37.375 --> 00:01:42.791 Rules that tell you how to live; what to do, what to say, what to eat. 00:01:42.792 --> 00:01:46.959 Rules take away chance and decision, and they take away risk. 00:01:47.821 --> 00:01:49.671 They give you control. 00:01:50.811 --> 00:01:53.850 Of course, we all want to feel in control. 00:01:54.380 --> 00:01:57.041 But often, demons arise: 00:01:57.042 --> 00:02:01.001 alcoholism, drug abuse, self-harm, eating disorders. 00:02:01.667 --> 00:02:07.501 All addictions, all seeking control, in a world, full of social constructs 00:02:07.506 --> 00:02:09.067 set by somebody else. 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:14.292 Seeking escape from the torture they feel in everyday life. 00:02:14.334 --> 00:02:17.709 Seeking peace from the constant voice in their head 00:02:17.710 --> 00:02:20.666 telling them they're not good enough, 00:02:20.667 --> 00:02:21.626 seeking numbness 00:02:21.751 --> 00:02:26.001 so that they don't have to deal with their negative thoughts and emotions. 00:02:27.042 --> 00:02:31.334 Eating disorders are not just about food and weight. 00:02:31.334 --> 00:02:34.835 They are an addiction, they are self-harm. 00:02:35.667 --> 00:02:37.585 Every eating disorder is different 00:02:37.586 --> 00:02:40.293 from the way they start and how they present themselves 00:02:40.294 --> 00:02:44.291 to the rules that govern them and the purpose that they serve. 00:02:44.292 --> 00:02:49.834 But that's the common factor; they all serve a purpose. 00:02:51.292 --> 00:02:55.459 Five years ago today, it was my 18th birthday. 00:02:55.459 --> 00:02:57.542 I held all the insecurities 00:02:57.667 --> 00:03:00.042 that any young woman holds about her appearance, 00:03:00.834 --> 00:03:05.374 but unlike my peers, I wasn't excited about turning 18. 00:03:05.375 --> 00:03:08.209 I didn't want to go out drinking and partying. 00:03:09.061 --> 00:03:11.680 I didn't feel ready to be an adult. 00:03:12.667 --> 00:03:16.543 I was stuck on this unstoppable conveyor belt of GCSEs to A-levels, 00:03:16.544 --> 00:03:18.168 university, and work. 00:03:18.542 --> 00:03:21.168 It felt like my life was out of my hands, 00:03:21.169 --> 00:03:23.250 and I didn't know what I wanted. 00:03:24.417 --> 00:03:29.834 So, I turned to one thing I knew would make me happy: food. 00:03:30.262 --> 00:03:32.662 I wanted to eat more. 00:03:32.667 --> 00:03:34.585 So I decided to lose weight 00:03:34.709 --> 00:03:38.751 so I could eat more without feeling guilty about it. 00:03:40.182 --> 00:03:43.030 Then came my rules: 00:03:43.042 --> 00:03:47.958 don't snack in-between meals, don't eat unless you're starving, 00:03:47.959 --> 00:03:50.543 don't eat more than anyone you're with. 00:03:51.459 --> 00:03:54.166 These went unnoticed by those around me, 00:03:54.167 --> 00:03:56.250 and I tried my hardest to keep it that way, 00:03:56.251 --> 00:03:58.554 because I was in control. 00:03:59.417 --> 00:04:00.876 The plan worked; 00:04:00.876 --> 00:04:05.001 I didn't snack in-between meals, I didn't eat more than anyone I was with, 00:04:05.002 --> 00:04:08.125 and I didn't eat unless I was starving. 00:04:08.974 --> 00:04:10.464 So, I lost weight. 00:04:11.542 --> 00:04:14.542 But I didn't eat more as I promised myself. 00:04:15.904 --> 00:04:18.124 Time passed, life went on. 00:04:18.125 --> 00:04:21.125 January exams came along with all the stress. 00:04:21.154 --> 00:04:23.157 I felt out of control again. 00:04:23.709 --> 00:04:25.335 So, I made more rules: 00:04:26.417 --> 00:04:31.374 never finish a plate of food, never eat foods high in fat. 00:04:31.375 --> 00:04:34.667 Always pick the lowest calorie option. 00:04:35.709 --> 00:04:38.145 I was back in control. 00:04:38.146 --> 00:04:40.578 I felt safe again. 00:04:40.584 --> 00:04:41.980 But little did I know 00:04:41.981 --> 00:04:45.168 the rules that gave me safety were slowly killing me. 00:04:46.876 --> 00:04:50.124 By April 2012, I'd lost around a stone. 00:04:50.125 --> 00:04:52.751 My ribs began to show, my hip bones protruded, 00:04:52.751 --> 00:04:55.043 and I was a hanger for my clothes. 00:04:55.667 --> 00:04:58.334 I didn't think that I looked any different, 00:04:58.335 --> 00:05:01.210 but my family and those around me noticed. 00:05:02.090 --> 00:05:04.207 My mother dragged me to the doctors. 00:05:04.208 --> 00:05:05.958 I was so angry. 00:05:05.959 --> 00:05:08.363 I didn't think there was anything wrong with me; 00:05:08.363 --> 00:05:11.584 I thought it was perfectly normal to never eat dessert, 00:05:11.585 --> 00:05:14.043 take cornflakes to the cinema instead of popcorn, 00:05:14.044 --> 00:05:16.876 and weigh myself at least five times a day. 00:05:17.918 --> 00:05:20.877 The doctor referred me to a specialist service in Leicester 00:05:20.878 --> 00:05:22.666 for an assessment. 00:05:22.667 --> 00:05:26.334 At the assessment, I was diagnosed with 'anorexia nervosa.' 00:05:27.630 --> 00:05:30.072 I ticked all the criteria. 00:05:30.667 --> 00:05:35.750 One: an intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, 00:05:35.751 --> 00:05:37.418 even though underweight. 00:05:38.375 --> 00:05:41.750 Two: a refusal to maintain a body weight, 00:05:41.751 --> 00:05:44.793 at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height. 00:05:45.667 --> 00:05:50.876 Three: a disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, 00:05:50.876 --> 00:05:53.918 and an undue influence of this on self-evaluation. 00:05:55.501 --> 00:05:59.958 After my diagnosis, it became a lot harder to follow my rules. 00:05:59.959 --> 00:06:04.376 My family were aware now and plied me with food at any opportunity. 00:06:04.886 --> 00:06:06.344 So I had to get sneaky. 00:06:07.042 --> 00:06:09.834 I added more rules to my arsenal: 00:06:10.792 --> 00:06:15.917 never eat alone, never drink calories, 00:06:15.918 --> 00:06:19.001 avoid food at all costs. 00:06:20.125 --> 00:06:24.709 I had to visit the hospital every week to be weighed and see my therapist. 00:06:24.709 --> 00:06:28.251 I took great delight in seeing the falling number on the scale 00:06:28.252 --> 00:06:29.976 every time I stepped on. 00:06:30.667 --> 00:06:34.084 I was getting sucked in deeper to the anorexic way of thinking. 00:06:34.085 --> 00:06:38.166 Home life was getting worse as I was being increasingly deceptive. 00:06:38.709 --> 00:06:40.876 Meal times were horrendous; 00:06:40.876 --> 00:06:45.835 an internal battle between not eating, and causing yet another argument. 00:06:46.834 --> 00:06:49.793 I knew, as soon as I put my knife and fork together, 00:06:49.794 --> 00:06:52.459 half of my food untouched, that it would start. 00:06:53.209 --> 00:06:57.334 My sister, running upstairs, unable to cope with what I was doing to myself. 00:06:57.918 --> 00:07:02.794 My mother crying, my father shouting, asking me if I wanted to die. 00:07:03.684 --> 00:07:05.786 I just sat through it all. 00:07:06.751 --> 00:07:11.418 It killed me to see what I was doing to my family but I couldn't stop. 00:07:12.417 --> 00:07:15.335 I didn't think that I deserved to stop. 00:07:16.979 --> 00:07:18.945 By this time, it was June. 00:07:18.946 --> 00:07:21.192 Time for my final A-level exams. 00:07:22.142 --> 00:07:23.672 Somehow, I made it through, 00:07:23.673 --> 00:07:27.376 determined not to let my 14 years of school go to waste. 00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:31.374 From the day I finished, I deteriorated rapidly. 00:07:31.375 --> 00:07:35.126 Each day, eating less and less, becoming more and more deceitful. 00:07:35.709 --> 00:07:39.376 Rules increasing day by day, becoming more and more restrictive: 00:07:40.334 --> 00:07:43.584 never eat more than 500 calories a day. 00:07:43.626 --> 00:07:46.043 never eat anything that you haven't weighed, 00:07:46.044 --> 00:07:48.584 never enjoy food. 00:07:50.125 --> 00:07:52.751 That summer, we had a family holiday abroad planned, 00:07:52.752 --> 00:07:54.778 but I wasn't allowed to fly. 00:07:54.779 --> 00:07:57.120 At home, I couldn't sleep. 00:07:57.626 --> 00:08:00.876 My heart rate so low, my body scared I wouldn't wake up. 00:08:01.501 --> 00:08:04.252 My 15-year-old sister had to give me a piggy-back 00:08:04.253 --> 00:08:06.292 because I couldn't walk up a hill. 00:08:07.460 --> 00:08:09.490 I couldn't think straight. 00:08:09.501 --> 00:08:13.085 I knew that I couldn't live like this, but I couldn't eat. 00:08:13.086 --> 00:08:15.450 I couldn't gain weight. 00:08:15.451 --> 00:08:18.005 Because that would mean losing control. 00:08:18.006 --> 00:08:20.125 And that was the strongest rule of all, 00:08:20.126 --> 00:08:25.792 the one presiding over all the others: never lose control. 00:08:27.626 --> 00:08:29.793 After one of my weekly appointments, 00:08:29.834 --> 00:08:32.376 I was admitted, voluntarily, as an inpatient 00:08:32.376 --> 00:08:34.832 to Leicester Eating Disorders Unit. 00:08:34.833 --> 00:08:37.121 I was so confused. 00:08:37.123 --> 00:08:38.952 What had I done? 00:08:38.958 --> 00:08:42.460 I didn't want to be there, but I knew that I needed help. 00:08:43.792 --> 00:08:47.334 I'd spend my nights lying in bed, watching Food Network, 00:08:47.335 --> 00:08:51.293 gazing at all the beautiful food that I was depriving myself of. 00:08:52.035 --> 00:08:53.424 Food. 00:08:53.425 --> 00:08:56.594 One of my favorite things. 00:08:57.459 --> 00:09:00.293 Of course, I couldn't admit that, not to anybody. 00:09:00.335 --> 00:09:03.437 Because anorexics hate food, right? 00:09:04.057 --> 00:09:05.327 No. 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:10.876 Deep, deep down, most anorexics love food. 00:09:11.834 --> 00:09:15.585 They're just depriving themselves of something they love as a punishment. 00:09:17.209 --> 00:09:20.208 Over my five-month stay on the anorexia ward, 00:09:20.209 --> 00:09:23.501 I experienced things that not many 18 year olds would: 00:09:24.334 --> 00:09:25.583 I heard screams 00:09:25.584 --> 00:09:29.502 as a girl had a feeding tube reinserted for the fourth time that day; 00:09:30.584 --> 00:09:33.240 unable to leave my room during ward lock-downs 00:09:33.241 --> 00:09:35.619 when somebody on section tried to escape. 00:09:36.959 --> 00:09:39.543 Of course, it wasn't all like that. 00:09:39.560 --> 00:09:43.120 I made some amazing friends. 00:09:43.125 --> 00:09:45.001 For the first time, you're with people 00:09:45.002 --> 00:09:48.751 who understand exactly what you're going through. 00:09:48.792 --> 00:09:50.584 We had so many good times: 00:09:50.626 --> 00:09:54.625 evenings watching movies, doing face masks, laughing, and joking. 00:09:54.626 --> 00:09:56.085 I felt normal, 00:09:56.192 --> 00:09:59.812 albeit in an abnormal situation. 00:10:00.667 --> 00:10:03.082 I progressed through the program, 00:10:03.083 --> 00:10:06.959 every day challenging the rules I'd made to keep myself safe. 00:10:06.959 --> 00:10:09.835 For every one I broke, another sprung up. 00:10:10.501 --> 00:10:13.500 Anorexia is a very competitive illness, 00:10:13.501 --> 00:10:16.835 and being surrounded by other anorexics gives you ideas. 00:10:16.836 --> 00:10:20.001 You pick up their habits and their rules, too. 00:10:20.941 --> 00:10:24.114 But I did it; I restored my weight. 00:10:24.125 --> 00:10:29.043 I broke my rules. I ripped up my rule book. 00:10:29.501 --> 00:10:33.460 Anorexia was a chapter in my life, but it wasn't the whole book. 00:10:33.501 --> 00:10:36.876 I was discharged, went to university after my gap year, 00:10:36.877 --> 00:10:41.168 and all was good; for about a month. 00:10:42.487 --> 00:10:45.791 This story isn't linear, 00:10:45.792 --> 00:10:50.875 and the journey from anorexia to recovery is rarely linear. 00:10:52.288 --> 00:10:53.598 I relapsed. 00:10:54.167 --> 00:10:58.334 My weight deteriorated again, albeit not as fast as the first time 00:10:58.334 --> 00:11:00.543 as I was eating one or two meals a day. 00:11:01.375 --> 00:11:04.876 It turns out my rule book was still intact. 00:11:06.083 --> 00:11:08.750 Walking to and from lectures became difficult. 00:11:08.760 --> 00:11:11.208 Five-hour labs were unbearable. 00:11:11.209 --> 00:11:13.668 I was going in and dealing with dangerous chemicals, 00:11:13.792 --> 00:11:16.126 having not eaten for almost 24 hours. 00:11:16.127 --> 00:11:19.626 How I didn't harm myself or somebody else, I have no idea. 00:11:20.751 --> 00:11:23.960 I struggled through my first year of university, 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:27.751 plastering on my fake smile and pretending everything was fine. 00:11:28.709 --> 00:11:32.585 I made it though my exams, but then I had to move home. 00:11:33.709 --> 00:11:35.876 This stabilized my weight loss 00:11:35.876 --> 00:11:39.001 as I was being made to eat three meals a day, plus a snack, 00:11:39.002 --> 00:11:41.392 under the watchful eye of my family. 00:11:42.626 --> 00:11:46.377 Being at home and eating more meant I had to be much, much sneakier again. 00:11:47.375 --> 00:11:50.167 Crumbling biscuit down my dressing gown sleeves, 00:11:50.168 --> 00:11:55.209 pretending to have lunch, lying about what I had or hadn't eaten. 00:11:55.611 --> 00:11:57.984 I became a lying machine. 00:11:58.604 --> 00:12:01.314 I hated lying to my family. 00:12:02.054 --> 00:12:03.812 They knew, though. 00:12:03.813 --> 00:12:06.093 They knew exactly what I was doing. 00:12:07.584 --> 00:12:12.335 Even as I deteriorated, I was adamant that I was going back to university. 00:12:12.363 --> 00:12:14.672 I was not taking another gap year. 00:12:14.673 --> 00:12:16.683 I was not giving up. 00:12:17.751 --> 00:12:21.563 I met my psychiatrist a week before term started. 00:12:21.564 --> 00:12:24.126 He told me I couldn't go back. 00:12:24.866 --> 00:12:27.082 I cried and shouted. 00:12:27.083 --> 00:12:32.375 I didn't want to go back into hospital, but it was my only option. 00:12:32.375 --> 00:12:37.126 I gave up on going back to university that year and accepted a bed. 00:12:37.898 --> 00:12:39.788 It took all my strength, 00:12:39.792 --> 00:12:43.376 but I had just taken the biggest step forward imaginable. 00:12:45.083 --> 00:12:49.001 This admission was so much harder than the first. 00:12:49.918 --> 00:12:54.293 I had a new desire to be the 'perfect anorexic.' 00:12:55.510 --> 00:12:58.702 This thought kept me prisoner like no other. 00:12:58.709 --> 00:13:01.959 It played on all my feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, 00:13:01.964 --> 00:13:04.500 fraudulence, and worthlessness. 00:13:04.501 --> 00:13:08.662 My weight had plummeted to almost half of what it is today, 00:13:08.663 --> 00:13:10.795 but still, I wouldn't eat. 00:13:11.645 --> 00:13:15.154 "Perfect" anorexics do not eat. 00:13:16.209 --> 00:13:19.835 I sat through meal after meal, nurses willing me to eat something, 00:13:19.836 --> 00:13:21.283 and I wouldn't. 00:13:21.284 --> 00:13:23.333 My blood sugar crashed. 00:13:23.334 --> 00:13:24.613 I was so dehydrated, 00:13:24.626 --> 00:13:27.168 the doctor couldn't get blood from my veins for tests. 00:13:27.709 --> 00:13:30.668 It was only on the threat of being 'sectioned' 00:13:30.685 --> 00:13:32.545 that I began to eat again. 00:13:34.042 --> 00:13:37.084 I began my journey of my recovery for the second time. 00:13:38.584 --> 00:13:43.750 Yes, I had started eating again, but I was still clinging to my anorexia, 00:13:43.751 --> 00:13:46.669 clinging to the rules I'd made to keep myself safe. 00:13:47.501 --> 00:13:51.751 I believed that I was worthless, and that my life wasn't worth living. 00:13:52.334 --> 00:13:56.043 Why would being three stone heavier make my life any better, 00:13:56.044 --> 00:13:58.387 make my life worth anything? 00:13:59.097 --> 00:14:00.678 So, I stayed ill. 00:14:01.288 --> 00:14:02.648 Safe. 00:14:02.649 --> 00:14:05.718 Away from reality, and away from harm. 00:14:06.328 --> 00:14:08.747 I was numb, and I liked that. 00:14:08.751 --> 00:14:12.043 It meant I didn't have to deal with how much of a failure I felt. 00:14:13.167 --> 00:14:15.917 Recovery was just too risky. 00:14:16.959 --> 00:14:20.334 Recovery would mean finally letting go of anorexia; 00:14:20.335 --> 00:14:24.543 letting go of my rules, letting go of my identity. 00:14:25.498 --> 00:14:28.250 If I recovered, who would I become? 00:14:28.990 --> 00:14:30.950 What could I amount to? 00:14:32.667 --> 00:14:36.082 Recovery isn't just about wanting it enough: 00:14:36.083 --> 00:14:38.959 you can want it more than anything in the world. 00:14:38.959 --> 00:14:42.959 You can have so many reasons to recover, but you just can't do it. 00:14:43.334 --> 00:14:46.709 It is the most terrifying concept imaginable. 00:14:47.459 --> 00:14:52.335 It means letting go of control and leaving your comfort zone. 00:14:53.459 --> 00:14:56.168 Of course, we are all guilty of having rules 00:14:56.304 --> 00:14:58.270 and staying in our comfort zone. 00:14:58.918 --> 00:15:01.877 Given long enough, we find comfort in our suffering. 00:15:02.667 --> 00:15:05.109 We stay in the same job we hate. 00:15:05.110 --> 00:15:07.591 We drag out a dysfunctional relationship. 00:15:08.251 --> 00:15:10.249 I starved myself for days on end, 00:15:10.250 --> 00:15:13.834 understanding the consequences but so afraid to change. 00:15:15.834 --> 00:15:18.876 I can't pinpoint the exact moment that it happened, 00:15:19.709 --> 00:15:22.126 but after countless therapy sessions, 00:15:22.250 --> 00:15:26.584 a lot of soul searching, and restoring some of my weight, 00:15:27.083 --> 00:15:30.166 I began to properly engage with my treatment. 00:15:31.042 --> 00:15:36.793 I began to believe there was a tiny chance my life could be better with recovery. 00:15:38.005 --> 00:15:40.566 Yes, it would bring scary decisions, 00:15:40.584 --> 00:15:44.335 but it would also bring a world of opportunity. 00:15:45.292 --> 00:15:49.584 It was only then when I believed that the risk was worth it, 00:15:50.717 --> 00:15:53.328 I believed I had a chance; 00:15:53.667 --> 00:15:58.168 a chance at university; a chance at love; 00:15:59.090 --> 00:16:03.202 but most of all, a chance at life. 00:16:04.584 --> 00:16:09.541 For me, the path to recovery involved ripping up my rule book. 00:16:09.542 --> 00:16:12.709 The rule book that governed my every move. 00:16:13.542 --> 00:16:18.958 The rules that made me feel safe; made me feel in control; 00:16:18.959 --> 00:16:23.293 that caused my weight to plummet, my hair to fall out, and my bones to thin. 00:16:24.542 --> 00:16:27.954 The rules that were slowly killing me - 00:16:27.955 --> 00:16:32.145 I had to break these rules, one by one. 00:16:33.709 --> 00:16:38.501 It is impossible to recover from anorexia and keep your rules. 00:16:39.042 --> 00:16:41.376 You have to leave your comfort zone. 00:16:41.377 --> 00:16:43.959 You have to rip up your rule book. 00:16:45.667 --> 00:16:48.543 Anorexia gave me that reality check: 00:16:48.667 --> 00:16:53.376 I can't always be comfortable, I can't always have control, 00:16:53.875 --> 00:16:56.227 and there is no rule book for life. 00:16:58.501 --> 00:17:01.793 Recovery has brought me so many things. 00:17:02.292 --> 00:17:05.501 It has brought me university, it has brought me love, 00:17:05.502 --> 00:17:07.307 and it has brought me life. 00:17:08.501 --> 00:17:12.751 I want to reach out to anyone suffering and say to please accept help. 00:17:13.334 --> 00:17:16.960 Without the service in Leicester, and the support of my friends and family, 00:17:16.961 --> 00:17:18.939 I would not be here today. 00:17:19.791 --> 00:17:22.334 I want you to believe me when I say 00:17:22.375 --> 00:17:26.925 that you are worth recovery, you are worth a life, 00:17:26.926 --> 00:17:29.629 and you are good enough. 00:17:30.584 --> 00:17:35.626 The one overwhelming thing that recovery has brought me is me. 00:17:36.338 --> 00:17:38.358 I have got myself back. 00:17:39.584 --> 00:17:41.543 And, as it turns out, 00:17:41.579 --> 00:17:45.420 life is way too short to weigh your cornflakes. 00:17:46.050 --> 00:17:47.369 Thank you. 00:17:47.370 --> 00:17:49.579 (Applause)