[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.79,0:00:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm Catherine.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.67,0:00:21.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a chemistry finalist\Nat the University of Warwick,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.75,0:00:27.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a daughter, a sister, friend,\Ngirlfriend, and recovering anorexic.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.63,0:00:32.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to give you an insight\Ninto eating disorders and recovery
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.58,0:00:34.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,using my journey,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.67,0:00:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my journey of pain, tears,\Nacceptance, and discovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.29,0:00:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eating disorders do not discriminate:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.46,0:00:47.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gender, age, sexuality,\Nand race mean nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.08,0:00:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These illnesses are not reserved\Nfor troubled teenage girls
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.05,0:00:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who want to look like models.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.25,0:00:57.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are serious illnesses\Nwith devastating consequences.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.58,0:01:03.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anorexia has the highest mortality rate\Nof any psychiatric illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.38,0:01:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I suppose the question here is: why?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.38,0:01:10.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we choose to starve ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.75,0:01:13.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make ourselves sick,\Nand exercise to oblivion?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.58,0:01:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we choose to harm ourselves\Nand those around us?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.96,0:01:23.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The answer is simple: it's not a choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.88,0:01:27.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eating disorders are not a choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.21,0:01:32.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are a coping mechanism,\Na safety blanket, an identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.83,0:01:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They make life simple\Nby giving you a rule book for life.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.38,0:01:42.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rules that tell you how to live;\Nwhat to do, what to say, what to eat.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.79,0:01:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rules take away chance and decision,\Nand they take away risk.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.82,0:01:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They give you control.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.81,0:01:53.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, we all want to feel in control.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.38,0:01:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But often, demons arise:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.04,0:02:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,alcoholism, drug abuse,\Nself-harm, eating disorders.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.67,0:02:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All addictions, all seeking control,\Nin a world, full of social constructs
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.51,0:02:09.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,set by somebody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.00,0:02:14.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Seeking escape from the torture\Nthey feel in everyday life.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.33,0:02:17.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Seeking peace from\Nthe constant voice in their head
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.71,0:02:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,telling them they're not good enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.67,0:02:21.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,seeking numbness
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.75,0:02:26.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that they don't have to deal\Nwith their negative thoughts and emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.04,0:02:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eating disorders are not\Njust about food and weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.33,0:02:34.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are an addiction, they are self-harm.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.67,0:02:37.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every eating disorder is different
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.59,0:02:40.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the way they start\Nand how they present themselves
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.29,0:02:44.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the rules that govern them\Nand the purpose that they serve.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.29,0:02:49.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's the common factor;\Nthey all serve a purpose.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.29,0:02:55.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Five years ago today,\Nit was my 18th birthday.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.46,0:02:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I held all the insecurities
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.67,0:03:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that any young woman holds\Nabout her appearance,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.83,0:03:05.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but unlike my peers,\NI wasn't excited about turning 18.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.38,0:03:08.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't want to go out\Ndrinking and partying.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.06,0:03:11.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't feel ready to be an adult.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.67,0:03:16.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was stuck on this unstoppable\Nconveyor belt of GCSEs to A-levels,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.54,0:03:18.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,university, and work.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.54,0:03:21.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It felt like my life was out of my hands,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.17,0:03:23.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know what I wanted.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.42,0:03:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I turned to one thing\NI knew would make me happy: food.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.26,0:03:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to eat more.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.67,0:03:34.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I decided to lose weight
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.71,0:03:38.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I could eat more\Nwithout feeling guilty about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.18,0:03:43.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then came my rules:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.04,0:03:47.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't snack in-between meals,\Ndon't eat unless you're starving,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.96,0:03:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't eat more than anyone you're with.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.46,0:03:54.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These went unnoticed by those around me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.17,0:03:56.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I tried my hardest\Nto keep it that way,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.25,0:03:58.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was in control.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.42,0:04:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The plan worked;
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.88,0:04:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't snack in-between meals,\NI didn't eat more than anyone I was with,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.00,0:04:08.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't eat unless I was starving.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.97,0:04:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I lost weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.54,0:04:14.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I didn't eat more\Nas I promised myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.90,0:04:18.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Time passed, life went on.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.12,0:04:21.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,January exams came\Nalong with all the stress.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.15,0:04:23.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt out of control again.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.71,0:04:25.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I made more rules:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.42,0:04:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never finish a plate of food,\Nnever eat foods high in fat.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.38,0:04:34.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Always pick the lowest calorie option.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.71,0:04:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was back in control.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.15,0:04:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt safe again.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.58,0:04:41.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But little did I know
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.98,0:04:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rules that gave me safety\Nwere slowly killing me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.88,0:04:50.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By April 2012, I'd lost around a stone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.12,0:04:52.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My ribs began to show,\Nmy hip bones protruded,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.75,0:04:55.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was a hanger for my clothes.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.67,0:04:58.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't think\Nthat I looked any different,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.34,0:05:01.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but my family and those around me noticed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.09,0:05:04.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother dragged me to the doctors.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.21,0:05:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was so angry.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.96,0:05:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't think there was\Nanything wrong with me;
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.36,0:05:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought it was perfectly normal\Nto never eat dessert,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.58,0:05:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,take cornflakes to the cinema\Ninstead of popcorn,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.04,0:05:16.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weigh myself\Nat least five times a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.92,0:05:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The doctor referred me\Nto a specialist service in Leicester
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.88,0:05:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for an assessment.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.67,0:05:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the assessment, I was diagnosed\Nwith 'anorexia nervosa.'
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.63,0:05:30.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ticked all the criteria.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.67,0:05:35.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One: an intense fear\Nof gaining weight or becoming fat,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.75,0:05:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though underweight.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.38,0:05:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two: a refusal to maintain a body weight,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.75,0:05:44.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at or above a minimally\Nnormal weight for age and height.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.67,0:05:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Three: a disturbance in the way in which\None's body weight or shape is experienced,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.88,0:05:53.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an undue influence\Nof this on self-evaluation.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.50,0:05:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After my diagnosis, it became\Na lot harder to follow my rules.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.96,0:06:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My family were aware now and plied me\Nwith food at any opportunity.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.89,0:06:06.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I had to get sneaky.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.04,0:06:09.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I added more rules to my arsenal:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.79,0:06:15.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never eat alone,\Nnever drink calories,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.92,0:06:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,avoid food at all costs.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.12,0:06:24.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to visit the hospital every week\Nto be weighed and see my therapist.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.71,0:06:28.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took great delight in seeing\Nthe falling number on the scale
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.25,0:06:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every time I stepped on.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.67,0:06:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was getting sucked in deeper\Nto the anorexic way of thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.08,0:06:38.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Home life was getting worse\Nas I was being increasingly deceptive.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.71,0:06:40.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meal times were horrendous;
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.88,0:06:45.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an internal battle between not eating,\Nand causing yet another argument.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.83,0:06:49.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew, as soon as I put\Nmy knife and fork together,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.79,0:06:52.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,half of my food untouched,\Nthat it would start.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.21,0:06:57.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My sister, running upstairs, unable\Nto cope with what I was doing to myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.92,0:07:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother crying, my father shouting,\Nasking me if I wanted to die.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.68,0:07:05.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat through it all.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.75,0:07:11.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It killed me to see what I was doing\Nto my family but I couldn't stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.42,0:07:15.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't think that I deserved to stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.98,0:07:18.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By this time, it was June.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.95,0:07:21.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Time for my final A-level exams.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.14,0:07:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Somehow, I made it through,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.67,0:07:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,determined not to let\Nmy 14 years of school go to waste.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.96,0:07:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From the day I finished,\NI deteriorated rapidly.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.38,0:07:35.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Each day, eating less and less,\Nbecoming more and more deceitful.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.71,0:07:39.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rules increasing day by day,\Nbecoming more and more restrictive:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.33,0:07:43.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never eat more than 500 calories a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.63,0:07:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never eat anything\Nthat you haven't weighed,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.04,0:07:48.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never enjoy food.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.12,0:07:52.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That summer, we had\Na family holiday abroad planned,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.75,0:07:54.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I wasn't allowed to fly.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.78,0:07:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At home, I couldn't sleep.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.63,0:08:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My heart rate so low,\Nmy body scared I wouldn't wake up.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.50,0:08:04.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My 15-year-old sister\Nhad to give me a piggy-back
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.25,0:08:06.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I couldn't walk up a hill.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.46,0:08:09.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't think straight.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.50,0:08:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew that I couldn't live like this,\Nbut I couldn't eat.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.09,0:08:15.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't gain weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.45,0:08:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because that would mean losing control.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.01,0:08:20.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that was the strongest rule of all,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.13,0:08:25.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one presiding over\Nall the others: never lose control.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.63,0:08:29.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After one of my weekly appointments,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.83,0:08:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was admitted, voluntarily,\Nas an inpatient
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.38,0:08:34.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to Leicester Eating Disorders Unit.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.83,0:08:37.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was so confused.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.12,0:08:38.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What had I done?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.96,0:08:42.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't want to be there,\Nbut I knew that I needed help.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.79,0:08:47.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd spend my nights lying in bed,\Nwatching Food Network,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.34,0:08:51.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gazing at all the beautiful food\Nthat I was depriving myself of.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.04,0:08:53.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Food.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.42,0:08:56.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of my favorite things.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.46,0:09:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, I couldn't admit\Nthat, not to anybody.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.34,0:09:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because anorexics hate food, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.06,0:09:05.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.00,0:09:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Deep, deep down, most anorexics love food.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.83,0:09:15.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're just depriving themselves\Nof something they love as a punishment.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.21,0:09:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over my five-month stay\Non the anorexia ward,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.21,0:09:23.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I experienced things\Nthat not many 18 year olds would:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.33,0:09:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I heard screams
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.58,0:09:29.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a girl had a feeding tube\Nreinserted for the fourth time that day;
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.58,0:09:33.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unable to leave my room\Nduring ward lock-downs
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.24,0:09:35.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when somebody on section tried to escape.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.96,0:09:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, it wasn't all like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.56,0:09:43.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I made some amazing friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.12,0:09:45.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the first time, you're with people
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.00,0:09:48.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who understand exactly\Nwhat you're going through.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.79,0:09:50.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We had so many good times:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.63,0:09:54.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,evenings watching movies,\Ndoing face masks, laughing, and joking.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.63,0:09:56.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt normal,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.19,0:09:59.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,albeit in an abnormal situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.67,0:10:03.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I progressed through the program,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.08,0:10:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every day challenging the rules\NI'd made to keep myself safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.96,0:10:09.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For every one I broke, another sprung up.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.50,0:10:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anorexia is a very competitive illness,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.50,0:10:16.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and being surrounded\Nby other anorexics gives you ideas.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.84,0:10:20.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You pick up their habits\Nand their rules, too.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.94,0:10:24.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I did it; I restored my weight.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.12,0:10:29.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I broke my rules.\NI ripped up my rule book.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.50,0:10:33.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anorexia was a chapter in my life,\Nbut it wasn't the whole book.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.50,0:10:36.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was discharged, went\Nto university after my gap year,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.88,0:10:41.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all was good; for about a month.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.49,0:10:45.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This story isn't linear,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.79,0:10:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the journey from anorexia\Nto recovery is rarely linear.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.29,0:10:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I relapsed.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.17,0:10:58.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My weight deteriorated again,\Nalbeit not as fast as the first time
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.33,0:11:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I was eating one or two meals a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.38,0:11:04.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out my rule book\Nwas still intact.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.08,0:11:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Walking to and from lectures\Nbecame difficult.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.76,0:11:11.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Five-hour labs were unbearable.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.21,0:11:13.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was going in and dealing\Nwith dangerous chemicals,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.79,0:11:16.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,having not eaten for almost 24 hours.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.13,0:11:19.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How I didn't harm myself\Nor somebody else, I have no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.75,0:11:23.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I struggled through\Nmy first year of university,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.00,0:11:27.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,plastering on my fake smile\Nand pretending everything was fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.71,0:11:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I made it though my exams,\Nbut then I had to move home.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.71,0:11:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This stabilized my weight loss
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.88,0:11:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I was being made to eat\Nthree meals a day, plus a snack,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.00,0:11:41.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under the watchful eye of my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.63,0:11:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Being at home and eating more meant\NI had to be much, much sneakier again.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.38,0:11:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Crumbling biscuit down\Nmy dressing gown sleeves,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.17,0:11:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,pretending to have lunch,\Nlying about what I had or hadn't eaten.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.61,0:11:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became a lying machine.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.60,0:12:01.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hated lying to my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.05,0:12:03.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They knew, though.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.81,0:12:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They knew exactly what I was doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.58,0:12:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even as I deteriorated, I was adamant\Nthat I was going back to university.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.36,0:12:14.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was not taking another gap year.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.67,0:12:16.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was not giving up.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.75,0:12:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I met my psychiatrist\Na week before term started.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.56,0:12:24.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He told me I couldn't go back.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.87,0:12:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I cried and shouted.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.08,0:12:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't want to go back into hospital,\Nbut it was my only option.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.38,0:12:37.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gave up on going back to university\Nthat year and accepted a bed.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.90,0:12:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took all my strength,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.79,0:12:43.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had just taken\Nthe biggest step forward imaginable.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.08,0:12:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This admission was\Nso much harder than the first.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.92,0:12:54.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a new desire\Nto be the 'perfect anorexic.'
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.51,0:12:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This thought kept me\Nprisoner like no other.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.71,0:13:01.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It played on all my feelings\Nof self-doubt, inadequacy,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.96,0:13:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fraudulence, and worthlessness.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.50,0:13:08.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My weight had plummeted\Nto almost half of what it is today,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.66,0:13:10.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but still, I wouldn't eat.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.64,0:13:15.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Perfect" anorexics do not eat.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.21,0:13:19.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sat through meal after meal,\Nnurses willing me to eat something,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.84,0:13:21.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wouldn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.28,0:13:23.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My blood sugar crashed.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.33,0:13:24.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was so dehydrated,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.63,0:13:27.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the doctor couldn't get blood\Nfrom my veins for tests.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.71,0:13:30.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was only on the threat\Nof being 'sectioned'
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.68,0:13:32.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I began to eat again.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.04,0:13:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began my journey of my recovery\Nfor the second time.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.58,0:13:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, I had started eating again,\Nbut I was still clinging to my anorexia,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.75,0:13:46.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,clinging to the rules I'd made\Nto keep myself safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.50,0:13:51.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believed that I was worthless,\Nand that my life wasn't worth living.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.33,0:13:56.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would being three stone heavier\Nmake my life any better,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.04,0:13:58.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make my life worth anything?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.10,0:14:00.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I stayed ill.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.29,0:14:02.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.65,0:14:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Away from reality, and away from harm.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.33,0:14:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was numb, and I liked that.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.75,0:14:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It meant I didn't have to deal\Nwith how much of a failure I felt.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.17,0:14:15.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Recovery was just too risky.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.96,0:14:20.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Recovery would mean\Nfinally letting go of anorexia;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.34,0:14:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,letting go of my rules,\Nletting go of my identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.50,0:14:28.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I recovered, who would I become?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.99,0:14:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What could I amount to?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.67,0:14:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Recovery isn't just about\Nwanting it enough:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.08,0:14:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can want it more\Nthan anything in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.96,0:14:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can have so many reasons to recover,\Nbut you just can't do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.33,0:14:46.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the most terrifying\Nconcept imaginable.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.46,0:14:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It means letting go of control\Nand leaving your comfort zone.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.46,0:14:56.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, we are all guilty\Nof having rules
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.30,0:14:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and staying in our comfort zone.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.92,0:15:01.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Given long enough,\Nwe find comfort in our suffering.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.67,0:15:05.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We stay in the same job we hate.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.11,0:15:07.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We drag out a dysfunctional relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.25,0:15:10.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I starved myself for days on end,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.25,0:15:13.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,understanding the consequences\Nbut so afraid to change.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.83,0:15:18.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't pinpoint the exact moment\Nthat it happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.71,0:15:22.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but after countless therapy sessions,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.25,0:15:26.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of soul searching,\Nand restoring some of my weight,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.08,0:15:30.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to properly engage\Nwith my treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.04,0:15:36.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to believe there was a tiny chance\Nmy life could be better with recovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.00,0:15:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, it would bring scary decisions,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.58,0:15:44.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it would also bring\Na world of opportunity.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.29,0:15:49.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was only then when I believed\Nthat the risk was worth it,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.72,0:15:53.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believed I had a chance;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.67,0:15:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a chance at university; a chance at love;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:59.09,0:16:03.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but most of all, a chance at life.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.58,0:16:09.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, the path to recovery\Ninvolved ripping up my rule book.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:09.54,0:16:12.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The rule book that governed my every move.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:13.54,0:16:18.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The rules that made me feel safe;\Nmade me feel in control;
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.96,0:16:23.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that caused my weight to plummet,\Nmy hair to fall out, and my bones to thin.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.54,0:16:27.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The rules that were slowly killing me -
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.96,0:16:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to break these rules, one by one.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.71,0:16:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is impossible to recover\Nfrom anorexia and keep your rules.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.04,0:16:41.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to leave your comfort zone.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.38,0:16:43.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to rip up your rule book.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.67,0:16:48.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anorexia gave me that reality check:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.67,0:16:53.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't always be comfortable,\NI can't always have control,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.88,0:16:56.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there is no rule book for life.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.50,0:17:01.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Recovery has brought me so many things.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.29,0:17:05.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It has brought me university,\Nit has brought me love,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.50,0:17:07.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it has brought me life.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.50,0:17:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to reach out to anyone suffering\Nand say to please accept help.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.33,0:17:16.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Without the service in Leicester,\Nand the support of my friends and family,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.96,0:17:18.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would not be here today.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.79,0:17:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to believe me when I say
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.38,0:17:26.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you are worth recovery,\Nyou are worth a life,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.93,0:17:29.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you are good enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.58,0:17:35.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The one overwhelming thing\Nthat recovery has brought me is me.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.34,0:17:38.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have got myself back.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.58,0:17:41.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, as it turns out,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.58,0:17:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,life is way too short\Nto weigh your cornflakes.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.05,0:17:47.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.37,0:17:49.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)