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I'm Catherine.

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I'm a chemistry finalist
at the University of Warwick,

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I'm a daughter, a sister, friend,
girlfriend, and recovering anorexic.

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I want to give you an insight
into eating disorders and recovery

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using my journey,

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my journey of pain, tears,
acceptance, and discovery.

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Eating disorders do not discriminate:

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gender, age, sexuality,
and race mean nothing.

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These illnesses are not reserved
for troubled teenage girls

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who want to look like models.

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They are serious illnesses
with devastating consequences.

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Anorexia has the highest mortality rate
of any psychiatric illness.

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I suppose the question here is: why?

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Why do we choose to starve ourselves,

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make ourselves sick,
and exercise to oblivion?

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Why do we choose to harm ourselves
and those around us?

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The answer is simple: it's not a choice.

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Eating disorders are not a choice.

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They are a coping mechanism,
a safety blanket, an identity.

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They make life simple
by giving you a rule book for life.

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Rules that tell you how to live;
what to do, what to say, what to eat.

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Rules take away chance and decision,
and they take away risk.

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They give you control.

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Of course, we all want to feel in control.

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But often, demons arise:

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alcoholism, drug abuse,
self-harm, eating disorders.

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All addictions, all seeking control,
in a world, full of social constructs

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set by somebody else.

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Seeking escape from the torture
they feel in everyday life.

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Seeking peace from
the constant voice in their head

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telling them they're not good enough,

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seeking numbness

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so that they don't have to deal
with their negative thoughts and emotions.

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Eating disorders are not
just about food and weight.

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They are an addiction, they are self-harm.

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Every eating disorder is different

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from the way they start
and how they present themselves

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to the rules that govern them
and the purpose that they serve.

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But that's the common factor;
they all serve a purpose.

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Five years ago today,
it was my 18th birthday.

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I held all the insecurities

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that any young woman holds
about her appearance,

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but unlike my peers,
I wasn't excited about turning 18.

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I didn't want to go out
drinking and partying.

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I didn't feel ready to be an adult.

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I was stuck on this unstoppable
conveyor belt of GCSEs to A-levels,

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university, and work.

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It felt like my life was out of my hands,

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and I didn't know what I wanted.

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So, I turned to one thing
I knew would make me happy: food.

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I wanted to eat more.

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So I decided to lose weight

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so I could eat more
without feeling guilty about it.

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Then came my rules:

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don't snack in-between meals,
don't eat unless you're starving,

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don't eat more than anyone you're with.

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These went unnoticed by those around me,

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and I tried my hardest
to keep it that way,

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because I was in control.

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The plan worked;

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I didn't snack in-between meals,
I didn't eat more than anyone I was with,

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and I didn't eat unless I was starving.

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So, I lost weight.

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But I didn't eat more
as I promised myself.

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Time passed, life went on.

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January exams came
along with all the stress.

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I felt out of control again.

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So, I made more rules:

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never finish a plate of food,
never eat foods high in fat.

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Always pick the lowest calorie option.

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I was back in control.

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I felt safe again.

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But little did I know

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the rules that gave me safety
were slowly killing me.

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By April 2012, I'd lost around a stone.

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My ribs began to show,
my hip bones protruded,

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and I was a hanger for my clothes.

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I didn't think
that I looked any different,

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but my family and those around me noticed.

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My mother dragged me to the doctors.

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I was so angry.

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I didn't think there was
anything wrong with me;

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I thought it was perfectly normal
to never eat dessert,

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take cornflakes to the cinema
instead of popcorn,

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and weigh myself
at least five times a day.

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The doctor referred me
to a specialist service in Leicester

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for an assessment.

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At the assessment, I was diagnosed
with 'anorexia nervosa.'

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I ticked all the criteria.

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One: an intense fear
of gaining weight or becoming fat,

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even though underweight.

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Two: a refusal to maintain a body weight,

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at or above a minimally
normal weight for age and height.

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Three: a disturbance in the way in which
one's body weight or shape is experienced,

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and an undue influence
of this on self-evaluation.

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After my diagnosis, it became
a lot harder to follow my rules.

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My family were aware now and plied me
with food at any opportunity.

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So I had to get sneaky.

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I added more rules to my arsenal:

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never eat alone,
never drink calories,

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avoid food at all costs.

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I had to visit the hospital every week
to be weighed and see my therapist.

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I took great delight in seeing
the falling number on the scale

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every time I stepped on.

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I was getting sucked in deeper
to the anorexic way of thinking.

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Home life was getting worse
as I was being increasingly deceptive.

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Meal times were horrendous;

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an internal battle between not eating,
and causing yet another argument.

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I knew, as soon as I put
my knife and fork together,

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half of my food untouched,
that it would start.

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My sister, running upstairs, unable
to cope with what I was doing to myself.

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My mother crying, my father shouting,
asking me if I wanted to die.

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I just sat through it all.

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It killed me to see what I was doing
to my family but I couldn't stop.

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I didn't think that I deserved to stop.

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By this time, it was June.

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Time for my final A-level exams.

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Somehow, I made it through,

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determined not to let
my 14 years of school go to waste.

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From the day I finished,
I deteriorated rapidly.

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Each day, eating less and less,
becoming more and more deceitful.

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Rules increasing day by day,
becoming more and more restrictive:

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never eat more than 500 calories a day.

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never eat anything
that you haven't weighed,

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never enjoy food.

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That summer, we had
a family holiday abroad planned,

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but I wasn't allowed to fly.

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At home, I couldn't sleep.

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My heart rate so low,
my body scared I wouldn't wake up.

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My 15-year-old sister
had to give me a piggy-back

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because I couldn't walk up a hill.

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I couldn't think straight.

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I knew that I couldn't live like this,
but I couldn't eat.

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I couldn't gain weight.

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Because that would mean losing control.

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And that was the strongest rule of all,

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the one presiding over
all the others: never lose control.

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After one of my weekly appointments,

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I was admitted, voluntarily,
as an inpatient

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to Leicester Eating Disorders Unit.

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I was so confused.

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What had I done?

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I didn't want to be there,
but I knew that I needed help.

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I'd spend my nights lying in bed,
watching Food Network,

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gazing at all the beautiful food
that I was depriving myself of.

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Food.

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One of my favorite things.

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Of course, I couldn't admit
that, not to anybody.

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Because anorexics hate food, right?

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No.

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Deep, deep down, most anorexics love food.

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They're just depriving themselves
of something they love as a punishment.

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Over my five-month stay
on the anorexia ward,

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I experienced things
that not many 18 year olds would:

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I heard screams

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as a girl had a feeding tube
reinserted for the fourth time that day;

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unable to leave my room
during ward lock-downs

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when somebody on section tried to escape.

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Of course, it wasn't all like that.

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I made some amazing friends.

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For the first time, you're with people

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who understand exactly
what you're going through.

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We had so many good times:

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evenings watching movies,
doing face masks, laughing, and joking.

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I felt normal,

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albeit in an abnormal situation.

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I progressed through the program,

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every day challenging the rules
I'd made to keep myself safe.

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For every one I broke, another sprung up.

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Anorexia is a very competitive illness,

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and being surrounded
by other anorexics gives you ideas.

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You pick up their habits
and their rules, too.

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But I did it; I restored my weight.

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I broke my rules.
I ripped up my rule book.

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Anorexia was a chapter in my life,
but it wasn't the whole book.

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I was discharged, went
to university after my gap year,

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and all was good; for about a month.

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This story isn't linear,

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and the journey from anorexia
to recovery is rarely linear.

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I relapsed.

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My weight deteriorated again,
albeit not as fast as the first time

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as I was eating one or two meals a day.

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It turns out my rule book
was still intact.

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Walking to and from lectures
became difficult.

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Five-hour labs were unbearable.

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I was going in and dealing
with dangerous chemicals,

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having not eaten for almost 24 hours.

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How I didn't harm myself
or somebody else, I have no idea.

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I struggled through
my first year of university,

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plastering on my fake smile
and pretending everything was fine.

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I made it though my exams,
but then I had to move home.

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This stabilized my weight loss

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as I was being made to eat
three meals a day, plus a snack,

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under the watchful eye of my family.

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Being at home and eating more meant
I had to be much, much sneakier again.

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Crumbling biscuit down
my dressing gown sleeves,

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pretending to have lunch,
lying about what I had or hadn't eaten.

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I became a lying machine.

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I hated lying to my family.

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They knew, though.

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They knew exactly what I was doing.

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Even as I deteriorated, I was adamant
that I was going back to university.

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I was not taking another gap year.

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I was not giving up.

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I met my psychiatrist
a week before term started.

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He told me I couldn't go back.

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I cried and shouted.

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I didn't want to go back into hospital,
but it was my only option.

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I gave up on going back to university
that year and accepted a bed.

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It took all my strength,

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but I had just taken
the biggest step forward imaginable.

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This admission was
so much harder than the first.

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I had a new desire
to be the 'perfect anorexic.'

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This thought kept me
prisoner like no other.

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It played on all my feelings
of self-doubt, inadequacy,

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fraudulence, and worthlessness.

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My weight had plummeted
to almost half of what it is today,

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00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,795
but still, I wouldn't eat.

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"Perfect" anorexics do not eat.

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I sat through meal after meal,
nurses willing me to eat something,

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and I wouldn't.

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My blood sugar crashed.

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I was so dehydrated,

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the doctor couldn't get blood
from my veins for tests.

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It was only on the threat
of being 'sectioned'

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that I began to eat again.

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I began my journey of my recovery
for the second time.

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Yes, I had started eating again,
but I was still clinging to my anorexia,

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clinging to the rules I'd made
to keep myself safe.

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I believed that I was worthless,
and that my life wasn't worth living.

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Why would being three stone heavier
make my life any better,

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make my life worth anything?

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So, I stayed ill.

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Safe.

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Away from reality, and away from harm.

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I was numb, and I liked that.

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00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:12,043
It meant I didn't have to deal
with how much of a failure I felt.

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00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:15,917
Recovery was just too risky.

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00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:20,334
Recovery would mean
finally letting go of anorexia;

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letting go of my rules,
letting go of my identity.

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00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:28,250
If I recovered, who would I become?

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What could I amount to?

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00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:36,082
Recovery isn't just about
wanting it enough:

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00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,959
you can want it more
than anything in the world.

245
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:42,959
You can have so many reasons to recover,
but you just can't do it.

246
00:14:43,334 --> 00:14:46,709
It is the most terrifying
concept imaginable.

247
00:14:47,459 --> 00:14:52,335
It means letting go of control
and leaving your comfort zone.

248
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,168
Of course, we are all guilty
of having rules

249
00:14:56,304 --> 00:14:58,270
and staying in our comfort zone.

250
00:14:58,918 --> 00:15:01,877
Given long enough,
we find comfort in our suffering.

251
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,109
We stay in the same job we hate.

252
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,591
We drag out a dysfunctional relationship.

253
00:15:08,251 --> 00:15:10,249
I starved myself for days on end,

254
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:13,834
understanding the consequences
but so afraid to change.

255
00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:18,876
I can't pinpoint the exact moment
that it happened,

256
00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:22,126
but after countless therapy sessions,

257
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:26,584
a lot of soul searching,
and restoring some of my weight,

258
00:15:27,083 --> 00:15:30,166
I began to properly engage
with my treatment.

259
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:36,793
I began to believe there was a tiny chance
my life could be better with recovery.

260
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:40,566
Yes, it would bring scary decisions,

261
00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:44,335
but it would also bring
a world of opportunity.

262
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:49,584
It was only then when I believed
that the risk was worth it,

263
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,328
I believed I had a chance;

264
00:15:53,667 --> 00:15:58,168
a chance at university; a chance at love;

265
00:15:59,090 --> 00:16:03,202
but most of all, a chance at life.

266
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:09,541
For me, the path to recovery
involved ripping up my rule book.

267
00:16:09,542 --> 00:16:12,709
The rule book that governed my every move.

268
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:18,958
The rules that made me feel safe;
made me feel in control;

269
00:16:18,959 --> 00:16:23,293
that caused my weight to plummet,
my hair to fall out, and my bones to thin.

270
00:16:24,542 --> 00:16:27,954
The rules that were slowly killing me -

271
00:16:27,955 --> 00:16:32,145
I had to break these rules, one by one.

272
00:16:33,709 --> 00:16:38,501
It is impossible to recover
from anorexia and keep your rules.

273
00:16:39,042 --> 00:16:41,376
You have to leave your comfort zone.

274
00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:43,959
You have to rip up your rule book.

275
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:48,543
Anorexia gave me that reality check:

276
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:53,376
I can't always be comfortable,
I can't always have control,

277
00:16:53,875 --> 00:16:56,227
and there is no rule book for life.

278
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:01,793
Recovery has brought me so many things.

279
00:17:02,292 --> 00:17:05,501
It has brought me university,
it has brought me love,

280
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,307
and it has brought me life.

281
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:12,751
I want to reach out to anyone suffering
and say to please accept help.

282
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:16,960
Without the service in Leicester,
and the support of my friends and family,

283
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:18,939
I would not be here today.

284
00:17:19,791 --> 00:17:22,334
I want you to believe me when I say

285
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:26,925
that you are worth recovery,
you are worth a life,

286
00:17:26,926 --> 00:17:29,629
and you are good enough.

287
00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:35,626
The one overwhelming thing
that recovery has brought me is me.

288
00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:38,358
I have got myself back.

289
00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:41,543
And, as it turns out,

290
00:17:41,579 --> 00:17:45,420
life is way too short
to weigh your cornflakes.

291
00:17:46,050 --> 00:17:47,369
Thank you.

292
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,579
(Applause)