0:00:16.792,0:00:18.418
I'm Catherine.

0:00:18.667,0:00:21.750
I'm a chemistry finalist[br]at the University of Warwick,

0:00:21.751,0:00:27.834
I'm a daughter, a sister, friend,[br]girlfriend, and recovering anorexic.

0:00:28.626,0:00:32.543
I want to give you an insight[br]into eating disorders and recovery

0:00:32.584,0:00:34.293
using my journey,

0:00:34.667,0:00:39.418
my journey of pain, tears,[br]acceptance, and discovery.

0:00:40.292,0:00:43.459
Eating disorders do not discriminate:

0:00:43.459,0:00:47.335
gender, age, sexuality,[br]and race mean nothing.

0:00:48.083,0:00:51.042
These illnesses are not reserved[br]for troubled teenage girls

0:00:51.054,0:00:53.242
who want to look like models.

0:00:53.250,0:00:57.625
They are serious illnesses[br]with devastating consequences.

0:00:58.584,0:01:03.293
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate[br]of any psychiatric illness.

0:01:04.375,0:01:07.834
I suppose the question here is: why?

0:01:08.375,0:01:10.750
Why do we choose to starve ourselves,

0:01:10.751,0:01:13.710
make ourselves sick,[br]and exercise to oblivion?

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Why do we choose to harm ourselves[br]and those around us?

0:01:18.959,0:01:23.126
The answer is simple: it's not a choice.

0:01:23.875,0:01:27.146
Eating disorders are not a choice.

0:01:28.209,0:01:32.833
They are a coping mechanism,[br]a safety blanket, an identity.

0:01:32.834,0:01:36.543
They make life simple[br]by giving you a rule book for life.

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Rules that tell you how to live;[br]what to do, what to say, what to eat.

0:01:42.792,0:01:46.959
Rules take away chance and decision,[br]and they take away risk.

0:01:47.821,0:01:49.671
They give you control.

0:01:50.811,0:01:53.850
Of course, we all want to feel in control.

0:01:54.380,0:01:57.041
But often, demons arise:

0:01:57.042,0:02:01.001
alcoholism, drug abuse,[br]self-harm, eating disorders.

0:02:01.667,0:02:07.501
All addictions, all seeking control,[br]in a world, full of social constructs

0:02:07.506,0:02:09.067
set by somebody else.

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Seeking escape from the torture[br]they feel in everyday life.

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Seeking peace from[br]the constant voice in their head

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telling them they're not good enough,

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seeking numbness

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so that they don't have to deal[br]with their negative thoughts and emotions.

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Eating disorders are not[br]just about food and weight.

0:02:31.334,0:02:34.835
They are an addiction, they are self-harm.

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Every eating disorder is different

0:02:37.586,0:02:40.293
from the way they start[br]and how they present themselves

0:02:40.294,0:02:44.291
to the rules that govern them[br]and the purpose that they serve.

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But that's the common factor;[br]they all serve a purpose.

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Five years ago today,[br]it was my 18th birthday.

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I held all the insecurities

0:02:57.667,0:03:00.042
that any young woman holds[br]about her appearance,

0:03:00.834,0:03:05.374
but unlike my peers,[br]I wasn't excited about turning 18.

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I didn't want to go out[br]drinking and partying.

0:03:09.061,0:03:11.680
I didn't feel ready to be an adult.

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I was stuck on this unstoppable[br]conveyor belt of GCSEs to A-levels,

0:03:16.544,0:03:18.168
university, and work.

0:03:18.542,0:03:21.168
It felt like my life was out of my hands,

0:03:21.169,0:03:23.250
and I didn't know what I wanted.

0:03:24.417,0:03:29.834
So, I turned to one thing[br]I knew would make me happy: food.

0:03:30.262,0:03:32.662
I wanted to eat more.

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So I decided to lose weight

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so I could eat more[br]without feeling guilty about it.

0:03:40.182,0:03:43.030
Then came my rules:

0:03:43.042,0:03:47.958
don't snack in-between meals,[br]don't eat unless you're starving,

0:03:47.959,0:03:50.543
don't eat more than anyone you're with.

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These went unnoticed by those around me,

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and I tried my hardest[br]to keep it that way,

0:03:56.251,0:03:58.554
because I was in control.

0:03:59.417,0:04:00.876
The plan worked;

0:04:00.876,0:04:05.001
I didn't snack in-between meals,[br]I didn't eat more than anyone I was with,

0:04:05.002,0:04:08.125
and I didn't eat unless I was starving.

0:04:08.974,0:04:10.464
So, I lost weight.

0:04:11.542,0:04:14.542
But I didn't eat more[br]as I promised myself.

0:04:15.904,0:04:18.124
Time passed, life went on.

0:04:18.125,0:04:21.125
January exams came[br]along with all the stress.

0:04:21.154,0:04:23.157
I felt out of control again.

0:04:23.709,0:04:25.335
So, I made more rules:

0:04:26.417,0:04:31.374
never finish a plate of food,[br]never eat foods high in fat.

0:04:31.375,0:04:34.667
Always pick the lowest calorie option.

0:04:35.709,0:04:38.145
I was back in control.

0:04:38.146,0:04:40.578
I felt safe again.

0:04:40.584,0:04:41.980
But little did I know

0:04:41.981,0:04:45.168
the rules that gave me safety[br]were slowly killing me.

0:04:46.876,0:04:50.124
By April 2012, I'd lost around a stone.

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My ribs began to show,[br]my hip bones protruded,

0:04:52.751,0:04:55.043
and I was a hanger for my clothes.

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I didn't think[br]that I looked any different,

0:04:58.335,0:05:01.210
but my family and those around me noticed.

0:05:02.090,0:05:04.207
My mother dragged me to the doctors.

0:05:04.208,0:05:05.958
I was so angry.

0:05:05.959,0:05:08.363
I didn't think there was[br]anything wrong with me;

0:05:08.363,0:05:11.584
I thought it was perfectly normal[br]to never eat dessert,

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take cornflakes to the cinema[br]instead of popcorn,

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and weigh myself[br]at least five times a day.

0:05:17.918,0:05:20.877
The doctor referred me[br]to a specialist service in Leicester

0:05:20.878,0:05:22.666
for an assessment.

0:05:22.667,0:05:26.334
At the assessment, I was diagnosed[br]with 'anorexia nervosa.'

0:05:27.630,0:05:30.072
I ticked all the criteria.

0:05:30.667,0:05:35.750
One: an intense fear[br]of gaining weight or becoming fat,

0:05:35.751,0:05:37.418
even though underweight.

0:05:38.375,0:05:41.750
Two: a refusal to maintain a body weight,

0:05:41.751,0:05:44.793
at or above a minimally[br]normal weight for age and height.

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Three: a disturbance in the way in which[br]one's body weight or shape is experienced,

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and an undue influence[br]of this on self-evaluation.

0:05:55.501,0:05:59.958
After my diagnosis, it became[br]a lot harder to follow my rules.

0:05:59.959,0:06:04.376
My family were aware now and plied me[br]with food at any opportunity.

0:06:04.886,0:06:06.344
So I had to get sneaky.

0:06:07.042,0:06:09.834
I added more rules to my arsenal:

0:06:10.792,0:06:15.917
never eat alone,[br]never drink calories,

0:06:15.918,0:06:19.001
avoid food at all costs.

0:06:20.125,0:06:24.709
I had to visit the hospital every week[br]to be weighed and see my therapist.

0:06:24.709,0:06:28.251
I took great delight in seeing[br]the falling number on the scale

0:06:28.252,0:06:29.976
every time I stepped on.

0:06:30.667,0:06:34.084
I was getting sucked in deeper[br]to the anorexic way of thinking.

0:06:34.085,0:06:38.166
Home life was getting worse[br]as I was being increasingly deceptive.

0:06:38.709,0:06:40.876
Meal times were horrendous;

0:06:40.876,0:06:45.835
an internal battle between not eating,[br]and causing yet another argument.

0:06:46.834,0:06:49.793
I knew, as soon as I put[br]my knife and fork together,

0:06:49.794,0:06:52.459
half of my food untouched,[br]that it would start.

0:06:53.209,0:06:57.334
My sister, running upstairs, unable[br]to cope with what I was doing to myself.

0:06:57.918,0:07:02.794
My mother crying, my father shouting,[br]asking me if I wanted to die.

0:07:03.684,0:07:05.786
I just sat through it all.

0:07:06.751,0:07:11.418
It killed me to see what I was doing[br]to my family but I couldn't stop.

0:07:12.417,0:07:15.335
I didn't think that I deserved to stop.

0:07:16.979,0:07:18.945
By this time, it was June.

0:07:18.946,0:07:21.192
Time for my final A-level exams.

0:07:22.142,0:07:23.672
Somehow, I made it through,

0:07:23.673,0:07:27.376
determined not to let[br]my 14 years of school go to waste.

0:07:27.959,0:07:31.374
From the day I finished,[br]I deteriorated rapidly.

0:07:31.375,0:07:35.126
Each day, eating less and less,[br]becoming more and more deceitful.

0:07:35.709,0:07:39.376
Rules increasing day by day,[br]becoming more and more restrictive:

0:07:40.334,0:07:43.584
never eat more than 500 calories a day.

0:07:43.626,0:07:46.043
never eat anything[br]that you haven't weighed,

0:07:46.044,0:07:48.584
never enjoy food.

0:07:50.125,0:07:52.751
That summer, we had[br]a family holiday abroad planned,

0:07:52.752,0:07:54.778
but I wasn't allowed to fly.

0:07:54.779,0:07:57.120
At home, I couldn't sleep.

0:07:57.626,0:08:00.876
My heart rate so low,[br]my body scared I wouldn't wake up.

0:08:01.501,0:08:04.252
My 15-year-old sister[br]had to give me a piggy-back

0:08:04.253,0:08:06.292
because I couldn't walk up a hill.

0:08:07.460,0:08:09.490
I couldn't think straight.

0:08:09.501,0:08:13.085
I knew that I couldn't live like this,[br]but I couldn't eat.

0:08:13.086,0:08:15.450
I couldn't gain weight.

0:08:15.451,0:08:18.005
Because that would mean losing control.

0:08:18.006,0:08:20.125
And that was the strongest rule of all,

0:08:20.126,0:08:25.792
the one presiding over[br]all the others: never lose control.

0:08:27.626,0:08:29.793
After one of my weekly appointments,

0:08:29.834,0:08:32.376
I was admitted, voluntarily,[br]as an inpatient

0:08:32.376,0:08:34.832
to Leicester Eating Disorders Unit.

0:08:34.833,0:08:37.121
I was so confused.

0:08:37.123,0:08:38.952
What had I done?

0:08:38.958,0:08:42.460
I didn't want to be there,[br]but I knew that I needed help.

0:08:43.792,0:08:47.334
I'd spend my nights lying in bed,[br]watching Food Network,

0:08:47.335,0:08:51.293
gazing at all the beautiful food[br]that I was depriving myself of.

0:08:52.035,0:08:53.424
Food.

0:08:53.425,0:08:56.594
One of my favorite things.

0:08:57.459,0:09:00.293
Of course, I couldn't admit[br]that, not to anybody.

0:09:00.335,0:09:03.437
Because anorexics hate food, right?

0:09:04.057,0:09:05.327
No.

0:09:06.000,0:09:10.876
Deep, deep down, most anorexics love food.

0:09:11.834,0:09:15.585
They're just depriving themselves[br]of something they love as a punishment.

0:09:17.209,0:09:20.208
Over my five-month stay[br]on the anorexia ward,

0:09:20.209,0:09:23.501
I experienced things[br]that not many 18 year olds would:

0:09:24.334,0:09:25.583
I heard screams

0:09:25.584,0:09:29.502
as a girl had a feeding tube[br]reinserted for the fourth time that day;

0:09:30.584,0:09:33.240
unable to leave my room[br]during ward lock-downs

0:09:33.241,0:09:35.619
when somebody on section tried to escape.

0:09:36.959,0:09:39.543
Of course, it wasn't all like that.

0:09:39.560,0:09:43.120
I made some amazing friends.

0:09:43.125,0:09:45.001
For the first time, you're with people

0:09:45.002,0:09:48.751
who understand exactly[br]what you're going through.

0:09:48.792,0:09:50.584
We had so many good times:

0:09:50.626,0:09:54.625
evenings watching movies,[br]doing face masks, laughing, and joking.

0:09:54.626,0:09:56.085
I felt normal,

0:09:56.192,0:09:59.812
albeit in an abnormal situation.

0:10:00.667,0:10:03.082
I progressed through the program,

0:10:03.083,0:10:06.959
every day challenging the rules[br]I'd made to keep myself safe.

0:10:06.959,0:10:09.835
For every one I broke, another sprung up.

0:10:10.501,0:10:13.500
Anorexia is a very competitive illness,

0:10:13.501,0:10:16.835
and being surrounded[br]by other anorexics gives you ideas.

0:10:16.836,0:10:20.001
You pick up their habits[br]and their rules, too.

0:10:20.941,0:10:24.114
But I did it; I restored my weight.

0:10:24.125,0:10:29.043
I broke my rules.[br]I ripped up my rule book.

0:10:29.501,0:10:33.460
Anorexia was a chapter in my life,[br]but it wasn't the whole book.

0:10:33.501,0:10:36.876
I was discharged, went[br]to university after my gap year,

0:10:36.877,0:10:41.168
and all was good; for about a month.

0:10:42.487,0:10:45.791
This story isn't linear,

0:10:45.792,0:10:50.875
and the journey from anorexia[br]to recovery is rarely linear.

0:10:52.288,0:10:53.598
I relapsed.

0:10:54.167,0:10:58.334
My weight deteriorated again,[br]albeit not as fast as the first time

0:10:58.334,0:11:00.543
as I was eating one or two meals a day.

0:11:01.375,0:11:04.876
It turns out my rule book[br]was still intact.

0:11:06.083,0:11:08.750
Walking to and from lectures[br]became difficult.

0:11:08.760,0:11:11.208
Five-hour labs were unbearable.

0:11:11.209,0:11:13.668
I was going in and dealing[br]with dangerous chemicals,

0:11:13.792,0:11:16.126
having not eaten for almost 24 hours.

0:11:16.127,0:11:19.626
How I didn't harm myself[br]or somebody else, I have no idea.

0:11:20.751,0:11:23.960
I struggled through[br]my first year of university,

0:11:24.000,0:11:27.751
plastering on my fake smile[br]and pretending everything was fine.

0:11:28.709,0:11:32.585
I made it though my exams,[br]but then I had to move home.

0:11:33.709,0:11:35.876
This stabilized my weight loss

0:11:35.876,0:11:39.001
as I was being made to eat[br]three meals a day, plus a snack,

0:11:39.002,0:11:41.392
under the watchful eye of my family.

0:11:42.626,0:11:46.377
Being at home and eating more meant[br]I had to be much, much sneakier again.

0:11:47.375,0:11:50.167
Crumbling biscuit down[br]my dressing gown sleeves,

0:11:50.168,0:11:55.209
pretending to have lunch,[br]lying about what I had or hadn't eaten.

0:11:55.611,0:11:57.984
I became a lying machine.

0:11:58.604,0:12:01.314
I hated lying to my family.

0:12:02.054,0:12:03.812
They knew, though.

0:12:03.813,0:12:06.093
They knew exactly what I was doing.

0:12:07.584,0:12:12.335
Even as I deteriorated, I was adamant[br]that I was going back to university.

0:12:12.363,0:12:14.672
I was not taking another gap year.

0:12:14.673,0:12:16.683
I was not giving up.

0:12:17.751,0:12:21.563
I met my psychiatrist[br]a week before term started.

0:12:21.564,0:12:24.126
He told me I couldn't go back.

0:12:24.866,0:12:27.082
I cried and shouted.

0:12:27.083,0:12:32.375
I didn't want to go back into hospital,[br]but it was my only option.

0:12:32.375,0:12:37.126
I gave up on going back to university[br]that year and accepted a bed.

0:12:37.898,0:12:39.788
It took all my strength,

0:12:39.792,0:12:43.376
but I had just taken[br]the biggest step forward imaginable.

0:12:45.083,0:12:49.001
This admission was[br]so much harder than the first.

0:12:49.918,0:12:54.293
I had a new desire[br]to be the 'perfect anorexic.'

0:12:55.510,0:12:58.702
This thought kept me[br]prisoner like no other.

0:12:58.709,0:13:01.959
It played on all my feelings[br]of self-doubt, inadequacy,

0:13:01.964,0:13:04.500
fraudulence, and worthlessness.

0:13:04.501,0:13:08.662
My weight had plummeted[br]to almost half of what it is today,

0:13:08.663,0:13:10.795
but still, I wouldn't eat.

0:13:11.645,0:13:15.154
"Perfect" anorexics do not eat.

0:13:16.209,0:13:19.835
I sat through meal after meal,[br]nurses willing me to eat something,

0:13:19.836,0:13:21.283
and I wouldn't.

0:13:21.284,0:13:23.333
My blood sugar crashed.

0:13:23.334,0:13:24.613
I was so dehydrated,

0:13:24.626,0:13:27.168
the doctor couldn't get blood[br]from my veins for tests.

0:13:27.709,0:13:30.668
It was only on the threat[br]of being 'sectioned'

0:13:30.685,0:13:32.545
that I began to eat again.

0:13:34.042,0:13:37.084
I began my journey of my recovery[br]for the second time.

0:13:38.584,0:13:43.750
Yes, I had started eating again,[br]but I was still clinging to my anorexia,

0:13:43.751,0:13:46.669
clinging to the rules I'd made[br]to keep myself safe.

0:13:47.501,0:13:51.751
I believed that I was worthless,[br]and that my life wasn't worth living.

0:13:52.334,0:13:56.043
Why would being three stone heavier[br]make my life any better,

0:13:56.044,0:13:58.387
make my life worth anything?

0:13:59.097,0:14:00.678
So, I stayed ill.

0:14:01.288,0:14:02.648
Safe.

0:14:02.649,0:14:05.718
Away from reality, and away from harm.

0:14:06.328,0:14:08.747
I was numb, and I liked that.

0:14:08.751,0:14:12.043
It meant I didn't have to deal[br]with how much of a failure I felt.

0:14:13.167,0:14:15.917
Recovery was just too risky.

0:14:16.959,0:14:20.334
Recovery would mean[br]finally letting go of anorexia;

0:14:20.335,0:14:24.543
letting go of my rules,[br]letting go of my identity.

0:14:25.498,0:14:28.250
If I recovered, who would I become?

0:14:28.990,0:14:30.950
What could I amount to?

0:14:32.667,0:14:36.082
Recovery isn't just about[br]wanting it enough:

0:14:36.083,0:14:38.959
you can want it more[br]than anything in the world.

0:14:38.959,0:14:42.959
You can have so many reasons to recover,[br]but you just can't do it.

0:14:43.334,0:14:46.709
It is the most terrifying[br]concept imaginable.

0:14:47.459,0:14:52.335
It means letting go of control[br]and leaving your comfort zone.

0:14:53.459,0:14:56.168
Of course, we are all guilty[br]of having rules

0:14:56.304,0:14:58.270
and staying in our comfort zone.

0:14:58.918,0:15:01.877
Given long enough,[br]we find comfort in our suffering.

0:15:02.667,0:15:05.109
We stay in the same job we hate.

0:15:05.110,0:15:07.591
We drag out a dysfunctional relationship.

0:15:08.251,0:15:10.249
I starved myself for days on end,

0:15:10.250,0:15:13.834
understanding the consequences[br]but so afraid to change.

0:15:15.834,0:15:18.876
I can't pinpoint the exact moment[br]that it happened,

0:15:19.709,0:15:22.126
but after countless therapy sessions,

0:15:22.250,0:15:26.584
a lot of soul searching,[br]and restoring some of my weight,

0:15:27.083,0:15:30.166
I began to properly engage[br]with my treatment.

0:15:31.042,0:15:36.793
I began to believe there was a tiny chance[br]my life could be better with recovery.

0:15:38.005,0:15:40.566
Yes, it would bring scary decisions,

0:15:40.584,0:15:44.335
but it would also bring[br]a world of opportunity.

0:15:45.292,0:15:49.584
It was only then when I believed[br]that the risk was worth it,

0:15:50.717,0:15:53.328
I believed I had a chance;

0:15:53.667,0:15:58.168
a chance at university; a chance at love;

0:15:59.090,0:16:03.202
but most of all, a chance at life.

0:16:04.584,0:16:09.541
For me, the path to recovery[br]involved ripping up my rule book.

0:16:09.542,0:16:12.709
The rule book that governed my every move.

0:16:13.542,0:16:18.958
The rules that made me feel safe;[br]made me feel in control;

0:16:18.959,0:16:23.293
that caused my weight to plummet,[br]my hair to fall out, and my bones to thin.

0:16:24.542,0:16:27.954
The rules that were slowly killing me -

0:16:27.955,0:16:32.145
I had to break these rules, one by one.

0:16:33.709,0:16:38.501
It is impossible to recover[br]from anorexia and keep your rules.

0:16:39.042,0:16:41.376
You have to leave your comfort zone.

0:16:41.377,0:16:43.959
You have to rip up your rule book.

0:16:45.667,0:16:48.543
Anorexia gave me that reality check:

0:16:48.667,0:16:53.376
I can't always be comfortable,[br]I can't always have control,

0:16:53.875,0:16:56.227
and there is no rule book for life.

0:16:58.501,0:17:01.793
Recovery has brought me so many things.

0:17:02.292,0:17:05.501
It has brought me university,[br]it has brought me love,

0:17:05.502,0:17:07.307
and it has brought me life.

0:17:08.501,0:17:12.751
I want to reach out to anyone suffering[br]and say to please accept help.

0:17:13.334,0:17:16.960
Without the service in Leicester,[br]and the support of my friends and family,

0:17:16.961,0:17:18.939
I would not be here today.

0:17:19.791,0:17:22.334
I want you to believe me when I say

0:17:22.375,0:17:26.925
that you are worth recovery,[br]you are worth a life,

0:17:26.926,0:17:29.629
and you are good enough.

0:17:30.584,0:17:35.626
The one overwhelming thing[br]that recovery has brought me is me.

0:17:36.338,0:17:38.358
I have got myself back.

0:17:39.584,0:17:41.543
And, as it turns out,

0:17:41.579,0:17:45.420
life is way too short[br]to weigh your cornflakes.

0:17:46.050,0:17:47.369
Thank you.

0:17:47.370,0:17:49.579
(Applause)