WEBVTT 00:00:00.807 --> 00:00:05.323 All those kids and their hipping and their hopping. 00:00:05.487 --> 00:00:08.957 Pull up your damned pants, you morons! 00:00:11.927 --> 00:00:16.557 Second Comedy Central special, it`s gonna be great! 00:00:16.727 --> 00:00:20.686 No, Mommy. l don`t want to wear the pink bow. 00:00:20.847 --> 00:00:25.159 He even does this in his sleep. What a freak! 00:00:25.327 --> 00:00:28.444 Would you idiots give it a rest? 00:00:28.607 --> 00:00:31.599 Would you like to see my stick? 00:00:31.767 --> 00:00:37.319 JEFF DUNHAM SPARK OF lNSANlTY 00:00:46.647 --> 00:00:48.763 Thank you! 00:00:50.167 --> 00:00:53.159 Thank you. 00:00:56.367 --> 00:00:59.996 Are you doing alright? Thank you. 00:01:01.087 --> 00:01:03.726 Thank you so much. 00:01:11.367 --> 00:01:16.077 Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much. 00:01:17.247 --> 00:01:23.197 You can`t fool me. l know it`s all for the little guys in the suitcase. 00:01:29.007 --> 00:01:32.443 Thank you for coming out tonight. This is such a pleasure. 00:01:32.607 --> 00:01:36.964 Before we start, l must say it is a true honor to be in this theater- 00:01:37.127 --> 00:01:41.484 -with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world- 00:01:41.647 --> 00:01:43.638 -the United States of America. 00:01:52.527 --> 00:01:55.200 ln driving around the city the last couple of days- 00:01:55.367 --> 00:01:58.803 -l couldn`t help but realize that here in D.C., like everywhere else- 00:01:58.967 --> 00:02:02.198 -gas prices suck! 00:02:02.367 --> 00:02:07.566 My wife and l live in L.A., and we were owners of 2 big SUVs. 00:02:07.727 --> 00:02:11.002 We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing. 00:02:11.167 --> 00:02:17.276 We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius. 00:02:17.447 --> 00:02:20.200 l don`t know why you`re laughing, it`s a great vehicle. 00:02:20.367 --> 00:02:23.723 You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes: 00:02:28.047 --> 00:02:30.845 When you can drive underneath an 18-wheeler and go: 00:02:31.007 --> 00:02:34.124 ``That`s really dirty``, and drive back out... 00:02:36.687 --> 00:02:39.645 That is just too damned small. 00:02:39.807 --> 00:02:44.005 lt`s cool at the gas pump. On one tank you`ve driven 2 or 3000 miles. 00:02:44.167 --> 00:02:48.604 You fill up and go: ``Oh, all done! l`ll be damned.`` 00:02:48.767 --> 00:02:51.361 ``10 cents? That`s amazing!`` 00:02:51.527 --> 00:02:55.281 l`m not used to a vehicle like this. l`ve had big trucks and SUVs. 00:02:55.447 --> 00:02:58.564 The one vehicle l refuse to get rid of, l`ve had it for 10 years. 00:02:58.727 --> 00:03:01.480 l love this thing. l`ve taken good care of it. 00:03:01.647 --> 00:03:04.525 lt`s not politically correct to drive it. l don`t care. 00:03:04.687 --> 00:03:09.238 H-1 Hummer. The real one, the big one, the military version. 00:03:12.487 --> 00:03:16.196 l love this thing. lt has a 38-gallon tank. 00:03:16.367 --> 00:03:20.326 Gets 7 miles to the gallon. 00:03:20.487 --> 00:03:24.719 Diesel, where l live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon. 00:03:24.887 --> 00:03:27.640 Yeah. l went to fill it up that week, it wasn`t even empty. 00:03:27.807 --> 00:03:31.720 lt cost me a hundred forty-eight dollars. 00:03:31.887 --> 00:03:36.039 l pushed the vehicle home. 00:03:36.207 --> 00:03:38.721 As l rolled it into the driveway, l told my kids: 00:03:38.887 --> 00:03:42.562 ``Girls, look at our new front yard ornament.`` 00:03:42.727 --> 00:03:45.764 ``Get in the Prius.`` 00:03:45.927 --> 00:03:48.521 ``You suck, Dad!`` 00:03:50.047 --> 00:03:54.199 l used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer. 00:03:58.687 --> 00:04:02.600 During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance. 00:04:02.767 --> 00:04:07.045 Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer. 00:04:07.207 --> 00:04:09.277 l`m in front driving the Prius. 00:04:09.447 --> 00:04:12.803 l was tricked somehow. l don`t know how that happened. 00:04:12.967 --> 00:04:15.765 She calls me on the cellphone, laughing. 00:04:15.927 --> 00:04:18.885 Let me explain why. Our Prius is not a black Prius. 00:04:19.047 --> 00:04:22.722 lt`s not a red Prius, it`s a blue Prius. But not really blue. 00:04:22.887 --> 00:04:27.085 lt`s more of a ...blue... Prius. 00:04:29.767 --> 00:04:32.361 lt`s pretty. 00:04:32.527 --> 00:04:35.246 Sparkly! 00:04:35.407 --> 00:04:39.559 l did that a little too well, didn`t l? 00:04:50.527 --> 00:04:57.319 While l`m driving, l`m holding in my arm, my wife`s 3-pound Chihuahua. 00:04:59.607 --> 00:05:03.964 You have to hold it while you drive or it`ll fall down between the seats. 00:05:04.127 --> 00:05:07.358 ``Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are!`` 00:05:07.527 --> 00:05:12.237 ``Let me put down the parking brake, that`ll hold you, you bastard.`` 00:05:14.287 --> 00:05:17.438 ``l`ve got to shift... Oh!`` 00:05:25.447 --> 00:05:29.918 ``That was your head? l`m sorry. l thought it was the shifty thingy.`` 00:05:30.087 --> 00:05:33.966 ``Same size. Leather, fur, l don`t know the difference.`` 00:05:34.127 --> 00:05:37.199 ``l thought l was grinding the gears.`` 00:05:39.727 --> 00:05:44.323 Thanks for laughing at that. That`s the stupidest joke l tell all night. 00:05:44.487 --> 00:05:47.320 That morning, l don`t know why l didn`t see it- 00:05:47.487 --> 00:05:51.605 -my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations- 00:05:51.767 --> 00:05:54.884 -and put them all over the back window of the Prius. 00:05:55.047 --> 00:06:00.075 Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Snowflakes. lt was so pretty. 00:06:00.247 --> 00:06:02.807 My wife calls me, laughing hysterically. 00:06:02.967 --> 00:06:07.006 ``What`s so funny?`` ``Can you see yourself?`` 00:06:07.167 --> 00:06:11.957 ``You`re driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3-pound Chihuahua.`` 00:06:12.127 --> 00:06:15.915 ``There`s pretty Christmas decorations all over your car.`` 00:06:16.087 --> 00:06:20.478 ``And you make a living with dolls. You`re gay!`` - Click. 00:06:31.567 --> 00:06:35.276 And l`m like, ``Bitch!`` - click. 00:06:38.687 --> 00:06:42.726 A Chihuahua. That`s my wife`s idea of a family pet. 00:06:42.887 --> 00:06:46.516 The dog l picked out is Bill, our Golden Retriever. He`s 80 pounds. 00:06:46.687 --> 00:06:50.646 Now that is a dog, ladies and gentlemen. 00:06:53.007 --> 00:06:56.522 l named him Bill because l got him when Clinton was in office- 00:06:56.687 --> 00:07:00.043 -and as a puppy, he was humping everything. 00:07:06.047 --> 00:07:08.117 When it comes to dogs- 00:07:08.287 --> 00:07:11.040 -l have criteria for what is and is not a dog. 00:07:11.207 --> 00:07:18.158 Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. 00:07:19.367 --> 00:07:24.361 Not a dog: anything l can easily drop-kick over my back fence. 00:07:24.527 --> 00:07:30.318 Not a dog: anything that is regularly terrified by a running leaf. 00:07:30.487 --> 00:07:34.878 That`s not a dog, that`s a yapping Beanie Baby, that`s what that is. 00:07:35.047 --> 00:07:39.563 lt`s the Richard Simmons of canines, that`s all l`m saying. 00:07:56.447 --> 00:08:00.076 ``Honey, what was that?`` ``l don`t know!``, 00:08:00.247 --> 00:08:03.364 Bill`s sitting next to me: ``l don`t know either!`` 00:08:03.527 --> 00:08:06.564 ``You`re a genius, do it again!`` 00:08:06.727 --> 00:08:09.195 Size does matter in the canine brain. 00:08:09.367 --> 00:08:12.165 Bill, Golden Retriever, very smart animal. 00:08:12.327 --> 00:08:16.400 lf he pooped on the living room carpet, l stuck his nose in it. 00:08:16.567 --> 00:08:20.719 Three times later, he figured out: ``l`m not supposed to crap here.`` 00:08:20.887 --> 00:08:25.039 Next two dogs, same thing. Now the brain-dead Chihuahua comes along. 00:08:25.207 --> 00:08:27.516 She poops on the carpet, l stick her nose in it- 00:08:27.687 --> 00:08:33.842 -three times later she thinks, ``l`m not supposed to crap, ever.`` 00:08:38.447 --> 00:08:43.043 And that`s why they shake. 00:08:53.127 --> 00:08:55.960 Another way Chihuahuas prove their lack of intelligence: 00:08:56.127 --> 00:09:00.166 Most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you run with it- 00:09:00.327 --> 00:09:03.524 -you put the stick in your mouth sideways. 00:09:05.967 --> 00:09:10.677 l am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick as long as she was- 00:09:10.847 --> 00:09:14.522 -and she stuck it in her mouth straight out the front. 00:09:14.687 --> 00:09:17.645 This is all true. We`re on the couch watching TV. 00:09:17.807 --> 00:09:21.766 She runs through the house, as fast as she can, stick straight out. 00:09:21.927 --> 00:09:28.036 As she runs across the carpet she decides to quickly look down. 00:09:28.207 --> 00:09:31.279 Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet, crammed down her throat. 00:09:31.447 --> 00:09:35.281 With momentum, she actually pole-vaulted over the stick. 00:09:46.007 --> 00:09:48.999 Of course my wife and my girls are all... 00:09:49.167 --> 00:09:53.319 l couldn`t breathe, l was laughing so hard. 00:09:53.487 --> 00:09:56.923 l thought, ``Damn, if she`d been going a little faster-`` 00:09:57.087 --> 00:10:01.638 ``-l`d have a new puppet. A Chihuahua on a stick!`` 00:10:11.647 --> 00:10:14.844 My wife started going nuts with the Chihuahua thing. 00:10:15.007 --> 00:10:16.998 She named her Chihuahua Darby. 00:10:17.167 --> 00:10:21.445 After a year and a half my wife decided it was time to breed the dog. 00:10:21.607 --> 00:10:27.364 My wife got on the internet and found the 3-pound...stud...Chihuahua. 00:10:27.527 --> 00:10:31.236 l don`t know how you call anything that`s 3 pounds `a stud`. 00:10:31.407 --> 00:10:35.082 We picked up little Jake. The owner wanted to get rid of him. 00:10:35.247 --> 00:10:38.717 So Jake came to live at our house. He was full grown, ready to go. 00:10:38.887 --> 00:10:40.843 Then Darby came in heat. 00:10:41.007 --> 00:10:44.966 Not long afterthat we had three tiny little Chihuahua puppies. 00:10:45.127 --> 00:10:49.279 The two larger ones my wife gave away. The runt of the litter... 00:10:49.447 --> 00:10:53.759 The runt from two 3-pound dogs we decided to keep. 00:10:53.927 --> 00:10:58.159 Rusty is now full-grown, at a whopping 1.8 pounds. 00:10:59.887 --> 00:11:03.482 The cool part is he and 80-pound Bill are best friends. 00:11:03.647 --> 00:11:05.763 l don`t know how you can be best friends- 00:11:05.927 --> 00:11:10.478 -with someone who is the same size as your poop. 00:11:16.887 --> 00:11:19.606 My kids question whether l`m funny or not. 00:11:19.767 --> 00:11:25.524 l pointed that out in the backyard to them. l`m a comedy genius now! 00:11:26.767 --> 00:11:31.124 The cool part is little Rusty picked me over everyone else to bond with. 00:11:31.287 --> 00:11:33.437 He likes me best, we don`t know why. l kinda like it. 00:11:33.607 --> 00:11:35.802 l come home, he runs to the front door, l pick him up- 00:11:35.967 --> 00:11:41.644 -take him to my office. l have a stuffed car, he sits in that car. 00:11:41.807 --> 00:11:45.561 lf he sits just right, it looks like he`s driving around my desk. 00:11:45.727 --> 00:11:50.403 People walk in my office, ``lt`s a rat! Oh, it`s your dog.`` 00:11:53.087 --> 00:11:57.365 The bond between Rusty and me has gone beyond just companionship. 00:11:57.527 --> 00:11:59.757 There`s an emotional bond. 00:11:59.927 --> 00:12:03.397 This has happened 5 times. lt can`t be coincidence. 00:12:03.567 --> 00:12:06.923 The three Chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me. 00:12:07.087 --> 00:12:10.363 My wife and l will get into an argument, go to bed angry. 00:12:10.527 --> 00:12:14.520 You`re not supposed to do that, but we`re tired. 00:12:14.687 --> 00:12:17.838 Rusty hears the argument, knows we`re not happy with each other. 00:12:18.007 --> 00:12:21.044 But he takes my side. At 3 or 4 in the morning- 00:12:21.207 --> 00:12:25.405 -he will wake up, and pee on my wife. 00:12:35.127 --> 00:12:37.561 l am not kidding. 00:12:37.727 --> 00:12:41.242 lt`s the greatest thing ever! 00:12:41.407 --> 00:12:43.637 l have the satisfaction of knowing- 00:12:43.807 --> 00:12:48.403 -if l go to bed angry with my wife, it`s gonna be taken care of. 00:12:50.007 --> 00:12:52.475 This is all absolutely true. 00:12:52.647 --> 00:12:56.959 l had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30. 00:12:57.127 --> 00:13:00.164 My wife and l had argued, l wake up still mad at her. 00:13:00.327 --> 00:13:03.205 4 am, l`m ready to walk out the door, but l still love her. 00:13:03.367 --> 00:13:06.325 l go to kiss her. l walk over and put my hand on her... 00:13:06.487 --> 00:13:10.196 ``Rusty, my man!`` 00:13:11.567 --> 00:13:15.196 lt`s still warm, she hasn`t woken up yet. 00:13:15.367 --> 00:13:20.680 l lean over, ``l love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!`` 00:13:20.847 --> 00:13:24.283 Rusty`s at the end of the bed just wagging his tail. 00:13:24.447 --> 00:13:29.567 l`m at the front door, ``l hope he doesn`t teach Bill to do that.`` 00:13:33.287 --> 00:13:36.518 We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old. 00:13:36.687 --> 00:13:40.805 They`ve had normal childhoods. Most things have been great. 00:13:40.967 --> 00:13:44.642 Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism. 00:13:44.807 --> 00:13:48.561 For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak. 00:13:48.727 --> 00:13:51.321 Not when Mommy`s around. 00:13:55.487 --> 00:14:00.197 ``Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes.`` 00:14:01.207 --> 00:14:05.325 l`m a lot of fun at Toys `R` Us around Christmastime. 00:14:05.487 --> 00:14:11.517 Boys run to their parents, ``Mommy, know what that Gl Joe said to me?`` 00:14:14.287 --> 00:14:17.882 They will never catch me. 00:14:18.047 --> 00:14:20.561 We try to take family walks as often as possible. 00:14:20.727 --> 00:14:23.287 On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog. 00:14:23.447 --> 00:14:26.883 One evening we let Kenna, the 9-year-old, choose. 00:14:27.047 --> 00:14:32.405 Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor. 00:14:32.567 --> 00:14:36.276 We don`t know where that came from. 00:14:36.447 --> 00:14:41.362 We have a leash. One of those big self-retracting leashes. 00:14:41.527 --> 00:14:44.280 You push the button and it quickly retracts. 00:14:44.447 --> 00:14:48.235 Don`t beat me to the funny part. 00:14:48.407 --> 00:14:51.638 l walk out the front door and think l`ll be the first one there. 00:14:51.807 --> 00:14:55.356 Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash. 00:14:55.527 --> 00:14:59.042 She`s 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up. 00:14:59.207 --> 00:15:02.882 Darby is going... l ask Kenna, ``What are you doing?`` 00:15:03.047 --> 00:15:07.199 ``l`m trying to make her heel automatically.`` 00:15:07.367 --> 00:15:11.679 l say, ``Kenna! lt doesn`t work. l already tried it.`` 00:15:11.847 --> 00:15:13.997 ``High five.`` 00:15:14.167 --> 00:15:17.079 We`re out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension. 00:15:17.247 --> 00:15:21.160 30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn`t given up on what she`s trying. 00:15:21.327 --> 00:15:24.125 As we`re walking she`s pushing the button and letting it up. 00:15:24.287 --> 00:15:26.642 Looking at the dog, looking at the leash- 00:15:26.807 --> 00:15:28.843 -the wheels in her head turning... 00:15:29.007 --> 00:15:32.079 ``What is this twisted little child going to do?`` 00:15:32.247 --> 00:15:36.126 As we`re walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose- 00:15:36.287 --> 00:15:38.881 -dropped the leash. 00:15:41.807 --> 00:15:44.799 Do you see the brilliance here? 00:15:44.967 --> 00:15:49.836 The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua. 00:16:00.767 --> 00:16:04.396 A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement. 00:16:04.567 --> 00:16:07.639 The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise. 00:16:07.807 --> 00:16:11.356 She looked behind her. Here comes the leash. 00:16:11.527 --> 00:16:13.916 At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know- 00:16:14.087 --> 00:16:17.523 -that now would be a good time to panic. 00:16:17.687 --> 00:16:21.760 She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could. 00:16:21.927 --> 00:16:25.966 But the leash was slightly faster. 00:16:26.127 --> 00:16:30.439 l`m standing there, ``Where`s the video camera?`` 00:16:30.607 --> 00:16:33.997 ``We can win 10,000 bucks! `Watch what happens!``` 00:16:34.167 --> 00:16:37.523 And sure enough... 00:16:37.687 --> 00:16:41.282 Of course my wife and my two oldest girls... 00:16:41.447 --> 00:16:45.884 Kenna and l are rolling in the lawn. 00:16:54.727 --> 00:16:57.764 l`m high-fiving her, telling her she`s a genius. 00:16:57.927 --> 00:17:00.316 Mommy turns around, sees us laughing. 00:17:00.487 --> 00:17:04.116 ``Crap! Don`t look her in the eye. Look down. Back away slowly.`` 00:17:04.287 --> 00:17:07.996 ``Rusty will piss on her later.`` 00:17:14.887 --> 00:17:17.320 Ladies and gentlemen, you`re an awesome audience. 00:17:18.406 --> 00:17:23.083 How about we get to the people you came to see tonight? 00:17:29.087 --> 00:17:33.046 The first guy, l think audiences enjoy because everyone- 00:17:33.207 --> 00:17:36.961 -knows someone like this. ln your own family or where you work. 00:17:37.127 --> 00:17:40.119 Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter. 00:18:02.327 --> 00:18:05.000 Get a life. 00:18:08.767 --> 00:18:12.521 -How you doing, Walter? -What happened to your hair? 00:18:12.687 --> 00:18:15.565 Looks like you were in a fricking car wreck. 00:18:15.727 --> 00:18:20.926 -They said it makes me look hip. -l think it makes you look homeless. 00:18:21.087 --> 00:18:26.445 Been in D.C. fortwo days and you`re already fricking homeless. Holy cow. 00:18:27.607 --> 00:18:29.837 -Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.? -Oh yeah. 00:18:30.007 --> 00:18:35.525 There`s nothing quite like being mugged in our nation`s capital. 00:18:35.687 --> 00:18:39.362 There`s a lot of excitement that goes on in Washington, D.C. 00:18:39.527 --> 00:18:45.204 Yeah, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube. 00:18:52.607 --> 00:18:54.882 So you don`t like being in D.C.? 00:18:55.047 --> 00:18:57.880 No, l like it. l get screwed on my taxes every year. 00:18:58.047 --> 00:19:03.121 So it`s fun to come visit the source. 00:19:04.807 --> 00:19:08.720 -What did you do for fun today? -Stood in front of the lRS building. 00:19:08.887 --> 00:19:11.720 l just flipped them off. 00:19:18.687 --> 00:19:21.076 -Did you go to the White House? -Oh yeah. 00:19:21.247 --> 00:19:24.603 That`s where the most powerful man in the free world lives. 00:19:24.767 --> 00:19:27.964 Oprah? 00:19:34.447 --> 00:19:38.679 -What`s wrong with you tonight? -l don`t know. l`m just pissed. 00:19:38.847 --> 00:19:41.441 -l don`t want to go home. -Why not? 00:19:41.607 --> 00:19:44.440 l think my house is haunted. 00:19:44.607 --> 00:19:48.919 -Why do you think that? -My wife is there. 00:19:53.727 --> 00:19:59.120 l walk in the front door and all l hear is, ``Get out!`` 00:20:02.247 --> 00:20:04.807 You got in another argument on the phone today, didn`t you? 00:20:04.967 --> 00:20:07.356 -You heard that, did you? -Oh yeah. 00:20:07.527 --> 00:20:12.396 Hung up on her. She called right back, ``Did you hang up on me?`` 00:20:12.567 --> 00:20:16.958 l said, ``l don`t know, did it sound something like this?`` - Click. 00:20:22.847 --> 00:20:28.843 -Did that make her angry? -l felt a disturbance in The Force. 00:20:29.007 --> 00:20:31.680 You ever made her that mad when you`re standing in front of her? 00:20:31.847 --> 00:20:36.238 Yeah. My mothertold me if you`re in a jam and don`t know what to do- 00:20:36.407 --> 00:20:40.036 -you should think, ``What would Jesus do?`` 00:20:40.207 --> 00:20:43.722 So l tried to turn her into a fish. 00:20:46.207 --> 00:20:51.839 l stood there going, ``Begone, Satan!`` 00:20:52.007 --> 00:20:55.886 ``Hello, Shamu!`` 00:20:57.927 --> 00:21:02.955 Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole. 00:21:10.287 --> 00:21:14.519 Aw, screw you. That was funny. 00:21:19.047 --> 00:21:22.278 Look, it`s the ClA. 00:21:29.367 --> 00:21:32.564 l see you. 00:21:36.847 --> 00:21:40.237 We can all see you. 00:21:44.687 --> 00:21:49.636 You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. 00:21:49.807 --> 00:21:53.163 ls the director drunk? What the hell? 00:22:06.207 --> 00:22:09.085 What? Holy crap! 00:22:17.487 --> 00:22:20.479 Wait, come back. Let me see in there. 00:22:20.647 --> 00:22:25.721 This is Comedy Central. l can see Cartman. 00:22:25.887 --> 00:22:30.756 l can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed. 00:22:41.247 --> 00:22:43.363 You`ve been married a long time. 00:22:43.527 --> 00:22:47.076 Ups and downs in any marriage. Ever been to marriage counseling? 00:22:47.247 --> 00:22:49.920 -Yes. -What did that do for you? 00:22:50.087 --> 00:22:55.480 Look at me. l`m happy! 00:22:55.647 --> 00:22:58.639 Come on. What were the results of the counseling? 00:22:58.807 --> 00:23:03.961 At the end of it all, there were two folks who thought l was an ass. 00:23:04.127 --> 00:23:08.564 And l`m paying both of them. 00:23:08.727 --> 00:23:12.276 -But you are happy to be here? -Oh sure. Betterthan last week. 00:23:12.447 --> 00:23:15.564 Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You didn`t like that? 00:23:15.727 --> 00:23:22.724 No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me. 00:23:30.847 --> 00:23:34.806 l swear, it`s like one giant nursing home. 00:23:34.967 --> 00:23:38.357 Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape those ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos. 00:23:38.527 --> 00:23:43.282 That`s during Spring Break. The rest of the time it`s ``Girls Gone Saggy``. 00:23:45.567 --> 00:23:48.525 Or it`s ``Girls Gone Senile``. 00:23:48.687 --> 00:23:51.804 And then it`s just ``Girls Gone``. 00:23:54.287 --> 00:23:56.881 -You didn`t like the weather either. -Oh my God. 00:23:57.047 --> 00:24:01.723 Even in the middle of winter, it`s humid as hell and hot as hell. 00:24:01.887 --> 00:24:04.196 We got there, l took a shower on Monday. 00:24:04.367 --> 00:24:07.916 Friday, still not dry. 00:24:08.087 --> 00:24:12.046 l swear, l have moss on my ass. 00:24:17.567 --> 00:24:19.956 You said the weather changes too quickly. 00:24:20.127 --> 00:24:24.405 l know it changes fast everywhere, but in Florida, it`s ridiculous. 00:24:24.567 --> 00:24:27.684 -What are you talking about? -l was standing on the beach. 00:24:27.847 --> 00:24:30.645 ln the sunshine, having a little iced tea. 00:24:30.807 --> 00:24:33.924 l looked over and go, ``Ooh, look, a little cloud.`` 00:24:34.087 --> 00:24:37.716 About three minutes later... 00:24:37.887 --> 00:24:41.323 ``Holy crap!`` 00:24:41.487 --> 00:24:43.682 The locals are hanging on to the palm trees. 00:24:43.847 --> 00:24:47.123 ``We love it here!`` 00:24:47.287 --> 00:24:49.847 You dumbasses! 00:24:50.007 --> 00:24:54.762 l say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out! 00:25:03.367 --> 00:25:05.642 Alright, so you want someplace a little cooler. 00:25:05.807 --> 00:25:08.241 Remember, we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin. 00:25:08.407 --> 00:25:14.880 Yeah, in February! lt was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill. 00:25:15.047 --> 00:25:20.405 l`d get on stage every night and say, ``You people are idiots``. 00:25:20.567 --> 00:25:25.561 ``Did you know the borders are open?`` 00:25:25.727 --> 00:25:29.003 ``Pack up your Suburban and get the hell out!`` 00:25:29.167 --> 00:25:32.045 Another thing. Green Bay Packers stadium, what`s it called? 00:25:32.207 --> 00:25:38.123 -Lambo Field. -Lambo Field. No roof. Hello! 00:25:38.287 --> 00:25:42.280 How many football season weekends have good weather in Green Bay? 00:25:42.447 --> 00:25:45.519 That would be...none. 00:25:45.687 --> 00:25:50.807 Note to self: build a fricking roof. 00:25:50.967 --> 00:25:55.836 We have the technology. 00:25:56.007 --> 00:26:00.876 Yeah, you talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say? 00:26:01.047 --> 00:26:05.006 ``We love it here.`` 00:26:05.167 --> 00:26:08.443 ``We`re a hardy people.`` 00:26:08.607 --> 00:26:12.282 A bunch of frozen dumbasses, is what you are. 00:26:12.447 --> 00:26:16.725 Walter, you don`t like humidity, you don`t like extreme cold. 00:26:16.887 --> 00:26:18.878 You want someplace warmer and drier. 00:26:19.047 --> 00:26:24.679 -Well in August, we were in Phoenix. -August in Phoenix, Arizona. 00:26:24.847 --> 00:26:28.999 Your agent is a moron. 00:26:31.367 --> 00:26:34.723 lt was 112 forthree days in a row. 00:26:34.887 --> 00:26:39.517 What do all the locals say? ``But it`s a dry heat.`` 00:26:39.687 --> 00:26:43.282 Screw you. 00:26:48.887 --> 00:26:52.243 A bonfire`s a dry heat. 00:26:52.407 --> 00:26:55.922 You don`t see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you? 00:26:56.087 --> 00:27:00.444 ``Your ass is on fire.`` ``lt`s a dry heat!`` 00:27:02.207 --> 00:27:06.803 ``l was in Florida, l gotta burn off the fricking moss!`` 00:27:10.727 --> 00:27:14.436 -Did you enjoy New York City? -Oh, l love New York City. 00:27:14.607 --> 00:27:18.885 lt was great. Do shows in Manhattan, about midnight get back to the hotel. 00:27:19.047 --> 00:27:21.686 At 1 a.m., l`d lay my head on the pillow- 00:27:21.847 --> 00:27:26.716 -and listen to the sounds of the city. 00:27:32.287 --> 00:27:34.755 Oh my God. 00:27:34.927 --> 00:27:38.602 -The city that never sleeps. -Well, it needs a fricking nap. 00:27:38.767 --> 00:27:43.477 You`ve eliminated every corner of the country. What about where we live? 00:27:43.647 --> 00:27:46.525 People love the weather in Southern California. 00:27:46.687 --> 00:27:50.316 At least with Florida and hurricanes, you get a little notice. 00:27:50.487 --> 00:27:54.321 You turn on the news: ``You have three days to get the hell out!`` 00:27:54.487 --> 00:27:56.796 -So? -ln L.A., we`ve got earthquakes. 00:27:56.967 --> 00:27:59.401 We don`t know jack. 00:27:59.567 --> 00:28:03.799 One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet and all of a sudden... 00:28:06.367 --> 00:28:09.962 There`s crap flying around the house. 00:28:10.127 --> 00:28:14.006 ``We love it here!`` 00:28:27.007 --> 00:28:29.760 You`re a dumbass, too. 00:28:29.927 --> 00:28:32.805 -Remember that last big earthquake? -Sure. 00:28:32.967 --> 00:28:35.527 -Bad timing on that earthquake. -How`s that? 00:28:35.687 --> 00:28:42.001 Not two seconds before it hit, l told my grandson to pull my finger. 00:28:46.847 --> 00:28:51.318 He pulled it, l farted and half the neighborhood fell down. 00:28:56.847 --> 00:29:01.796 That kid hasn`t come near me since. 00:29:01.967 --> 00:29:06.119 The other day l cracked my knuckles and he dove underthe couch. 00:29:25.887 --> 00:29:30.915 -What was that? -We`re in D.C. That was a veto. 00:29:39.047 --> 00:29:43.245 Walter, l`m listening to you and l get the feeling we travel too much. 00:29:43.407 --> 00:29:45.398 Oh, you think? 00:29:45.567 --> 00:29:49.924 -Why don`t you like airplanes? -l`m your carryon, for God`s sakes. 00:29:50.087 --> 00:29:54.399 l go in the x-ray machine. l could have cancer tonight! 00:29:54.567 --> 00:29:58.401 -Tell them what happened at O`Hare. -We`re going through the airport. 00:29:58.567 --> 00:30:01.923 l come out the other side of the x-ray and hearthe guy say to Jeff: 00:30:02.087 --> 00:30:04.442 ``Sir! l`ve got to look inside your suitcase.`` 00:30:04.607 --> 00:30:07.440 l`m lying there thinking, ``Aw crap, here we go.`` 00:30:07.607 --> 00:30:10.565 Jeff`s standing there, the guy opens the case, l pop up and go: 00:30:10.727 --> 00:30:14.356 ``Hey! Shut the damned door!`` 00:30:20.327 --> 00:30:25.003 Scared the crap out of the guy. Then l thought about it a second and said: 00:30:25.167 --> 00:30:28.876 ``l do not want to go to Los Angeles.`` 00:30:36.807 --> 00:30:40.720 -And what happened? -We were detained. 00:30:40.887 --> 00:30:45.722 Them bastards have no sense of humor. 00:30:45.887 --> 00:30:48.003 They have to be tight on security these days. 00:30:48.167 --> 00:30:50.920 l know. The terrorist threats and all that crap. 00:30:51.087 --> 00:30:53.920 There`s one group of folks l don`t understand at all. 00:30:54.087 --> 00:31:00.401 Damned suicide bombers. Good God, what the hell is this? 00:31:05.807 --> 00:31:09.720 Well, way to go, habib. 00:31:09.887 --> 00:31:13.516 Bet you can`t fricking do it again. 00:31:26.287 --> 00:31:28.755 Dumbass. 00:31:28.927 --> 00:31:31.839 Walter, those guys believe that if they martyrthemselves- 00:31:32.007 --> 00:31:35.204 -there will be 72 virgins waiting forthem in Paradise. 00:31:35.367 --> 00:31:38.803 Well, April Fool, dumbass! 00:31:43.047 --> 00:31:48.599 lf there are virgins waiting for you, it`ll be 72 guys just like you! 00:31:50.887 --> 00:31:54.960 ``Oh no, this is not what Osama said it would be``. 00:32:03.687 --> 00:32:09.842 72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what they`re doing? 00:32:29.287 --> 00:32:33.246 He had a longer fuse. 00:32:34.847 --> 00:32:39.284 l wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while. 00:32:39.447 --> 00:32:43.486 What joke? 00:32:46.407 --> 00:32:48.921 What the... 00:33:00.807 --> 00:33:03.958 ``Did you see Jamil`s face?`` 00:33:04.127 --> 00:33:07.244 ``lt`s gone now, but did you see his face?`` 00:33:11.807 --> 00:33:16.597 72 virgins. Sounds like a punishment to me. 00:33:16.767 --> 00:33:22.125 l gotta teach 72 women how to have sex? Oh my God! 00:33:22.287 --> 00:33:26.075 l hope there`s no Viagra in heaven. 00:33:26.247 --> 00:33:31.241 lmpotence is God`s way of helping a man like me to `just say no`. 00:33:37.127 --> 00:33:42.042 lf l take Viagra, it`s just to help me keep from rolling out of bed. 00:33:52.807 --> 00:33:56.004 -Did you get that one? -She got it! 00:33:57.007 --> 00:34:00.477 -lt`s a kickstand joke. -Will you stop? 00:34:06.327 --> 00:34:09.399 What`re you shaking your head at? You got a good love life? 00:34:09.567 --> 00:34:12.525 -Sure. Yeah. -Good sex life? With your wife? 00:34:15.127 --> 00:34:17.561 -Yes. -Good for her, too? 00:34:17.726 --> 00:34:20.560 -Yeah. -How do you know? 00:34:23.087 --> 00:34:27.603 -What? -How do you know? 00:34:29.327 --> 00:34:32.159 We`re waiting! 00:34:32.327 --> 00:34:36.114 Well, sometimes she calls me... 00:34:36.286 --> 00:34:38.562 ...``The Hurricane``. 00:34:38.726 --> 00:34:43.039 -The what? -``The Hurricane``. 00:34:43.206 --> 00:34:48.839 Yeah, l get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. 00:34:56.047 --> 00:34:58.959 You know, maybe she should call you ``FEMA``. 00:35:01.407 --> 00:35:03.477 Now what does that mean? 00:35:03.647 --> 00:35:08.357 Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results. 00:35:11.687 --> 00:35:14.155 You should know. How long have you been married? 00:35:14.327 --> 00:35:16.682 -47 years. -That`s amazing. 00:35:16.847 --> 00:35:20.237 l know it. That old bitch will never die. 00:35:21.687 --> 00:35:24.281 -How long you been married? -17 years. 00:35:24.447 --> 00:35:26.677 That`s pretty good. How do you do it? 00:35:26.847 --> 00:35:30.237 l learned a long time ago that every couple argues. 00:35:30.407 --> 00:35:33.956 l learned that when we`re in the middle of a big argument- 00:35:34.127 --> 00:35:36.846 -l just think of something completely different. 00:35:37.007 --> 00:35:40.238 That takes my mind off it, and l don`t stay angry as long. 00:35:40.407 --> 00:35:43.319 So you think of something completely different? Like what? 00:35:43.487 --> 00:35:49.164 Oh l don`t know. Like if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 00:36:01.367 --> 00:36:03.517 -Choke a Smurf? -Right. 00:36:03.687 --> 00:36:08.681 ls that what they`re calling it now? 00:36:16.207 --> 00:36:19.677 What the hell happened to the chicken? 00:36:32.167 --> 00:36:35.239 Let me get back to marriage. You`ve been married a long time. 00:36:35.407 --> 00:36:38.717 -Do you still really love your wife? -Of course l love her. 00:36:38.887 --> 00:36:41.959 -Told her lately that you love her? -Naw. 00:36:42.127 --> 00:36:44.197 -Why not? -She knows it. 00:36:44.367 --> 00:36:48.042 -How does she know it? -l smile a lot. 00:36:51.127 --> 00:36:53.595 -Have you ever cheated on her? -No! 00:36:53.767 --> 00:36:56.281 Dammit. 00:36:56.447 --> 00:37:01.362 -Marriage is supposed to be forever. -And this one`s taking too damn long. 00:37:01.527 --> 00:37:05.964 -Marriage is an institution. -So is Alcatraz. 00:37:06.127 --> 00:37:08.641 You can`t compare marriage to prison. 00:37:08.807 --> 00:37:13.597 l guess you`re right. The warden doesn`t max out your credit cards. 00:37:13.767 --> 00:37:18.363 The other day she got me some of that spray-on hair crap in a can. 00:37:18.527 --> 00:37:23.043 -Did you use it? -Yeah. On your Chihuahua. 00:37:26.487 --> 00:37:29.957 Turned it into a Shi-Tzu. 00:37:30.127 --> 00:37:34.006 Your birthday wasn`t too long ago. Did your wife get you anything? 00:37:34.167 --> 00:37:37.796 -She got me a book on reincarnation. -Do you believe in reincarnation? 00:37:37.967 --> 00:37:40.640 -Hell, l don`t know. -Who would you come back as? 00:37:40.807 --> 00:37:44.959 l`d come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone. 00:37:49.007 --> 00:37:52.204 -You pick on her all the time. -Yeah, l know. 00:37:52.367 --> 00:37:56.645 Maybe one day, l`ll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy. 00:37:56.807 --> 00:38:01.244 Driving a blue fricking Prius. 00:38:09.727 --> 00:38:14.437 -That is the saddest little vehicle. -lt`s a great car! 00:38:14.607 --> 00:38:16.518 You ever heard it when you`re driving by? 00:38:16.687 --> 00:38:20.157 lt goes, ``liiiiii`m gay.`` 00:38:25.127 --> 00:38:28.358 ``liiiiii`m gay.`` 00:38:31.127 --> 00:38:34.802 When it idles it goes ``homohomohomohomo...`` 00:38:40.967 --> 00:38:44.004 -ls that a new watch? -No, l`ve had it a long time. 00:38:44.167 --> 00:38:49.764 A long time ago you had a rubber, plastic ugly funny name thing. 00:38:49.927 --> 00:38:53.283 That was years ago when l was in college. 00:38:53.447 --> 00:38:57.360 They were popular and might be coming back. lt`s called a Swatch. 00:38:57.527 --> 00:38:59.677 What in the hell is a Swatch? 00:38:59.847 --> 00:39:04.284 A company in Switzerland invented that watch, so they called it Swatch. 00:39:04.447 --> 00:39:07.325 Good thing they weren`t in Croatia. 00:39:16.687 --> 00:39:21.158 ``What time is it?``, ``l don`t know, let me look at my Crotch.`` 00:39:25.487 --> 00:39:29.366 ``Sorry l`m late, but my Crotch is a little slow.`` 00:39:29.527 --> 00:39:33.918 -lt`s like the Timex, it takes a ... -Walter! 00:39:34.087 --> 00:39:37.159 That`s Walter, there we go! 00:39:50.727 --> 00:39:52.718 Thank you. 00:39:52.887 --> 00:39:57.358 As we all know, there`s a big mess in the Middle East right now. 00:39:57.527 --> 00:39:59.643 When it comes to the terrorists- 00:39:59.807 --> 00:40:03.436 -most of us don`t understand their extremist views and beliefs. 00:40:03.607 --> 00:40:07.964 l was thinking, how would it be to sit and talk to one of those guys? 00:40:14.767 --> 00:40:18.442 We have that opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome- 00:40:18.607 --> 00:40:21.280 -Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. 00:40:44.407 --> 00:40:48.082 -Good evening, Achmed. -Good evening. 00:40:48.247 --> 00:40:51.717 lnfidel. 00:40:51.887 --> 00:40:56.199 -So you`re a terrorist. -Yes. l am a terrorist. 00:40:56.367 --> 00:41:02.556 -What kind of terrorist? -A terrifying...terrorist. 00:41:04.167 --> 00:41:07.682 -Are you scared? -Not really. No. 00:41:11.007 --> 00:41:14.477 -And now? -Not really. No. 00:41:18.807 --> 00:41:21.162 -How about now? -No. 00:41:21.327 --> 00:41:24.205 Goddammit. 00:41:27.567 --> 00:41:30.798 l mean...uh...l mean, Allahdammit. 00:41:32.007 --> 00:41:34.202 Silence! 00:41:34.367 --> 00:41:36.961 l kill you. 00:41:45.767 --> 00:41:49.282 -So, Achmed. -No, no. ls Achmed. 00:41:49.447 --> 00:41:53.235 -That`s what l said. -No, you said Achmed. ls Achmed. 00:41:54.367 --> 00:41:57.006 Silence! 00:41:57.167 --> 00:42:00.159 l kill you. 00:42:07.487 --> 00:42:11.844 -How do you spell it? -What? 00:42:12.007 --> 00:42:15.556 -How do you spell your name? -Oh let`s see. A. 00:42:15.727 --> 00:42:17.718 C... 00:42:18.767 --> 00:42:21.759 Phlegm. 00:42:23.967 --> 00:42:27.721 Silence! l kill you. 00:42:35.887 --> 00:42:39.641 As a terrorist, l suppose you have some sort of specialty. 00:42:39.807 --> 00:42:42.844 Yes. l am a suicide bomber. 00:42:43.007 --> 00:42:46.920 -So, you`re finished. -What? 00:42:47.087 --> 00:42:49.920 -You`ve done your job. -No, l haven`t. 00:42:50.087 --> 00:42:55.445 -You`re dead. -No, l`m not. l feel fine. 00:42:55.607 --> 00:43:00.123 -But you`re all bone. -ls a flesh wound. 00:43:00.287 --> 00:43:04.599 Silence! l kill you. 00:43:07.287 --> 00:43:11.519 What the hell happened to my feet? 00:43:11.687 --> 00:43:17.637 Son of a bitch. What the hell? What are you doing? Stop it! 00:43:17.807 --> 00:43:22.403 What are you trying to... Stop touching me! 00:43:27.887 --> 00:43:31.084 l kill you! 00:43:31.247 --> 00:43:33.761 -We`ll fix this. -What are you doing? Holy crap! 00:43:33.927 --> 00:43:39.160 l`m in the air, wait wait. Something is backwards. Holy crap. 00:43:39.327 --> 00:43:42.080 l need some ligaments. 00:43:42.247 --> 00:43:44.397 -Just sit still. -Okay. 00:43:44.567 --> 00:43:47.798 l will not move my ass. 00:43:47.967 --> 00:43:52.597 You idiot, you don`t have an ass! 00:44:00.207 --> 00:44:02.596 -ls that Walter? -Yeah. 00:44:02.767 --> 00:44:05.804 He scares the crap out of me. 00:44:07.527 --> 00:44:10.758 Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase. 00:44:10.927 --> 00:44:14.886 -Why? -He has gas! 00:44:15.047 --> 00:44:20.041 Saddam`s mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart. 00:44:20.207 --> 00:44:24.644 Ah, ha ha ha ha. 00:44:30.207 --> 00:44:35.281 lt`s not funny. He will kill us. 00:44:35.447 --> 00:44:37.722 Listen, l have something to tell you. 00:44:37.887 --> 00:44:40.640 -What? -You really are dead. 00:44:40.807 --> 00:44:46.359 Are you sure? l just got my flu shot. 00:44:46.527 --> 00:44:48.882 -You really are dead. -Wait, if l`m dead... 00:44:49.047 --> 00:44:52.722 That means l get my 72 virgins. 00:44:55.687 --> 00:44:58.360 Are you my virgins? 00:44:58.527 --> 00:45:01.166 -l hope not. -Why? 00:45:01.327 --> 00:45:05.036 There`s a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there. 00:45:07.847 --> 00:45:11.681 lf this is Paradise, l`ve been screwed! 00:45:11.847 --> 00:45:14.566 Did they say it would be only female virgins? 00:45:14.727 --> 00:45:17.287 Holy crap! 00:45:24.887 --> 00:45:28.766 Wait! l can have Clay Aiken. 00:45:34.087 --> 00:45:37.318 l told a joke. 00:45:37.487 --> 00:45:43.676 -Achmed, where did you come from? -Yourfricking suitcase. 00:45:43.847 --> 00:45:45.838 l told another one. 00:45:46.007 --> 00:45:48.077 lf you`ve been in my suitcase- 00:45:48.247 --> 00:45:51.557 -how have we been getting through airport security? 00:45:51.727 --> 00:45:58.166 That`s easy. They open the case and l go, ``Hello! l am Lindsay Lohan!`` 00:46:03.167 --> 00:46:08.116 l told another joke! l can do this crap too. 00:46:08.287 --> 00:46:11.324 Here`s another one. Two Jews walk in a bar... 00:46:11.487 --> 00:46:13.842 -No. No. -What? 00:46:14.007 --> 00:46:16.567 You don`t let Jews in your bar? 00:46:16.727 --> 00:46:19.400 You racist bastard. 00:46:19.567 --> 00:46:23.276 What l mean is, l don`t want racist jokes in my act. 00:46:23.447 --> 00:46:26.598 Oh. Okay. How about if l kill the Jews? 00:46:26.767 --> 00:46:29.520 l`m kidding. l would not kill the Jews. 00:46:29.687 --> 00:46:35.444 l would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. 00:46:39.647 --> 00:46:46.166 Yes, yes. l did the same thing with two Catholic priests and a small boy. 00:46:51.487 --> 00:46:56.356 Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! 00:46:59.327 --> 00:47:01.682 Achmed, stop doing this! 00:47:01.847 --> 00:47:06.363 -You can`t tell jokes like that. -Why not? l`m killing, so to speak. 00:47:06.527 --> 00:47:09.360 You can`t tell jokes like that. lt offends people. 00:47:09.527 --> 00:47:12.724 l`m dead, what do l care? 00:47:12.887 --> 00:47:15.924 What do you want me to do, knock-knock jokes? 00:47:16.087 --> 00:47:18.442 -lt would be better. -Okay, knock-knock. 00:47:18.607 --> 00:47:21.440 -Who`s there? -Me, l kill you. 00:47:21.607 --> 00:47:24.565 As a suicide bomber, did you have training? 00:47:24.727 --> 00:47:27.924 Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp. 00:47:28.087 --> 00:47:32.399 -ls that a nice facility? -lt used to be. 00:47:32.567 --> 00:47:35.764 -What happened? -New guy! 00:47:35.927 --> 00:47:39.317 The idiot tried to practice. 00:47:39.487 --> 00:47:44.402 -What did you guys learn from that? -Location, location, location. 00:47:46.527 --> 00:47:50.679 Do you have a motto, like... ``We`re looking for a few good men``. 00:47:50.847 --> 00:47:54.476 ``We`re looking for some idiots with no future.`` 00:47:54.647 --> 00:48:00.802 -Where do you get your recruits? -The suicide hotline. 00:48:03.927 --> 00:48:07.442 That was dark, was it not? 00:48:07.607 --> 00:48:11.282 What exactly happened to you? What happened? 00:48:11.447 --> 00:48:16.316 lf you must know, l am a horrible suicide bomber. 00:48:16.487 --> 00:48:21.163 -What happened? -l had a premature detonation. 00:48:21.327 --> 00:48:26.401 l set the timerfor 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. 00:48:26.567 --> 00:48:30.560 You know what that`s like, right? 00:48:36.807 --> 00:48:40.800 ``Mr. Hurricane.`` 00:48:42.007 --> 00:48:45.238 Ha ha ha ha ha. 00:48:47.367 --> 00:48:50.200 Achmed, what exactly happened to you? 00:48:50.367 --> 00:48:54.201 l was getting gasoline and l answered my cellphone. 00:48:54.367 --> 00:48:57.404 ``Can you hear me n...?`` 00:48:57.567 --> 00:49:01.799 At first, l thought it was because l went over my minutes. 00:49:01.967 --> 00:49:07.200 lt`s okay, l took that Verizon bastard with me. 00:49:14.447 --> 00:49:17.484 What`s it like to die? Do you see a white light? 00:49:17.647 --> 00:49:20.844 lf you`re dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes. 00:49:21.007 --> 00:49:24.522 Some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see? 00:49:24.687 --> 00:49:26.882 l saw flying car parts... 00:49:27.047 --> 00:49:29.641 What was the last thing through your mind? 00:49:29.807 --> 00:49:32.799 My ass. 00:49:34.087 --> 00:49:37.204 Waltertold me to tell that joke. 00:49:37.367 --> 00:49:44.125 -You never saw a white light? -No, but l saw a blue Prius. 00:49:46.167 --> 00:49:49.762 Do you really have one of those vehicles? 00:49:51.127 --> 00:49:54.756 That is not a car. That`s a lunchbox. 00:49:54.927 --> 00:49:58.476 Did you know, when you`re going down the highway in a Prius- 00:49:58.647 --> 00:50:03.596 -if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn? 00:50:03.767 --> 00:50:06.725 -You did this for a bunch of virgins? -Are you kidding me? 00:50:06.887 --> 00:50:10.846 l`d kill you for a Klondike bar. 00:50:12.047 --> 00:50:15.198 -So, l guess you are Muslim? -l don`t think so, no. 00:50:15.367 --> 00:50:20.122 Look at my ass. ``Made in China``. 00:50:20.287 --> 00:50:25.645 Walter says l`m just a stinking Halloween decoration. 00:50:28.487 --> 00:50:32.116 -Do you like being in D.C.? -l think some idiots must live here. 00:50:32.287 --> 00:50:35.279 -Why? -The Washington Monument. 00:50:35.447 --> 00:50:40.601 -Yes? -lt looks nothing like the guy. 00:50:40.767 --> 00:50:45.921 lt looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. 00:50:52.167 --> 00:50:54.442 -What do you think of Bush? -Oh, l love bush. 00:50:54.607 --> 00:50:57.440 Oh, you mean the President. l`m sorry! 00:50:57.607 --> 00:51:01.077 That`s Achmed, the Dead Terrorist! There we go. 00:51:08.567 --> 00:51:13.243 Thank you. There`s never been a bettertime than right now- 00:51:13.287 --> 00:51:15.403 -to introduce a brand new superhero. 00:51:15.527 --> 00:51:17.518 We have that very thing this evening. 00:51:17.687 --> 00:51:20.247 He`s big. He`s powerful. Please help me welcome- 00:51:20.407 --> 00:51:25.003 -the superhero...Melvin. 00:51:32.407 --> 00:51:36.400 H...h... Hi! 00:51:36.567 --> 00:51:38.558 -Good to see you, Melvin. -Thank you. 00:51:38.727 --> 00:51:42.640 lt`s nice being here in our nation`s capital. 00:51:42.807 --> 00:51:46.766 So, you`re a superhero. What is your most outstanding feature? 00:51:49.567 --> 00:51:52.320 My costume. 00:51:52.487 --> 00:51:54.955 -lt`s a very nice costume. -Thank you. 00:51:55.127 --> 00:51:58.483 -What does the `D` stand for? -Oh, that`s my theme song. 00:51:58.647 --> 00:52:04.040 -What`s your theme song? -Da da-da daa! 00:52:04.207 --> 00:52:08.962 -Where did you get the costume? -That is a superhero secret! 00:52:09.127 --> 00:52:11.925 -EBay? -Dammit! 00:52:12.087 --> 00:52:16.285 -How did you deduce that? -A tag on the back says EBay. 00:52:16.447 --> 00:52:19.484 lt`s as plain as the nose... Oops, sorry. 00:52:19.647 --> 00:52:23.401 Okay, so you`re a superhero. Do you fight crime? 00:52:23.567 --> 00:52:26.127 -Yes, of course! -What kind of crime? 00:52:26.287 --> 00:52:28.676 Bad kind. 00:52:28.847 --> 00:52:34.080 -So what have you done lately? -Today, l was battling a terrorist. 00:52:34.247 --> 00:52:37.045 -Achmed? -Yes. 00:52:37.207 --> 00:52:41.598 -And what kind of battle? -Checkers. 00:52:43.647 --> 00:52:48.118 Every time l`d get a king, he`d blow it up. 00:52:48.287 --> 00:52:51.597 -So what did you do? -l issued a verbal threat. 00:52:51.767 --> 00:52:56.124 And then Walter gassed him. 00:53:03.647 --> 00:53:06.480 -Melvin, do you have any powers? -Yes! 00:53:06.647 --> 00:53:09.798 -Like what? -l can fly. Really far. 00:53:09.967 --> 00:53:15.087 -How far? -How far can you throw me? 00:53:15.247 --> 00:53:18.683 -Do you have other powers? -X-ray vision! 00:53:18.847 --> 00:53:21.998 Can you see through something practical, like clothes? 00:53:22.167 --> 00:53:25.318 Oh, you`re sick. 00:53:25.487 --> 00:53:28.126 Yes. 00:53:28.287 --> 00:53:31.996 l love looking at boobies. 00:53:34.807 --> 00:53:38.880 That`s a beautiful pair, isn`t it? 00:53:39.047 --> 00:53:44.644 l`m glad l`m wearing loose shorts. 00:53:44.807 --> 00:53:52.487 Oh, l forgot. l can`t see through silicone. 00:53:52.647 --> 00:53:56.925 What? They`re good. Those are super-hooters. 00:53:57.087 --> 00:54:01.603 lf she had a theme song, it would be Ta ta-ta taa! 00:54:05.927 --> 00:54:11.479 lf she had a costume, she`d have two Ds on her chest. 00:54:11.647 --> 00:54:14.684 -l can look but l can`t touch. -Why? 00:54:14.847 --> 00:54:17.998 l`m lactose intolerant. 00:54:18.167 --> 00:54:23.195 You can fly and have x-ray vision. Those are the same as Superman! 00:54:23.367 --> 00:54:28.157 -Can you stop a speeding bullet? -Once. 00:54:31.527 --> 00:54:36.078 Shut up! lt hurts like hell. 00:54:36.247 --> 00:54:38.761 Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? 00:54:38.927 --> 00:54:43.637 Why the hell would l do that? There`s not a lot of call for that. 00:54:43.807 --> 00:54:47.402 -Superman does that. -Show-off. 00:54:47.567 --> 00:54:51.845 He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing. 00:54:53.087 --> 00:54:57.444 l can`t curse. l think the President should. 00:54:57.607 --> 00:55:00.565 -The President? -Yeah. Think about it. 00:55:00.727 --> 00:55:07.326 We had the A-bomb, the H-bomb. lt`s time for him to drop the F-bomb. 00:55:15.367 --> 00:55:19.280 He could go, ``Hey, terrorists! F you!`` 00:55:19.447 --> 00:55:22.917 So, like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth? 00:55:23.087 --> 00:55:25.282 What? 00:55:25.447 --> 00:55:29.645 -Superman does that too. -He`s got issues, doesn`t he? 00:55:29.807 --> 00:55:32.605 My wife met Lois Lane once. 00:55:32.767 --> 00:55:37.158 She said she acted like an H-O-R-E. 00:55:37.327 --> 00:55:39.966 You mean a W-H-O-R-E. 00:55:40.127 --> 00:55:46.839 What`s a `w-hore`? ls that like a Klingon? 00:55:47.007 --> 00:55:49.726 So you`re married. Does your wife have any powers? 00:55:49.887 --> 00:55:51.798 -Yes. -Like what? 00:55:51.967 --> 00:55:55.801 Once a month... 00:55:57.287 --> 00:56:00.438 She becomes evil. 00:56:00.607 --> 00:56:03.679 And l cannot defeat her. 00:56:03.847 --> 00:56:09.205 Our children run in terror. Our big dog cowers underthe couch. 00:56:09.367 --> 00:56:13.963 -You have a big dog? -Actually, l borrowed your Chihuahua. 00:56:14.127 --> 00:56:19.326 Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has all the same powers as Superman. 00:56:19.487 --> 00:56:22.843 That`s ridiculous. lf Krypto sniffs your crotch- 00:56:23.007 --> 00:56:26.841 -he`ll suck your lungs out your ass. 00:56:28.607 --> 00:56:33.078 lf he humps your leg, you`ll be in traction for a year. 00:56:33.247 --> 00:56:39.482 -Do you have an arch enemy? -Pinocchio. 00:56:39.647 --> 00:56:42.684 -Do you have a weakness? -Cupcakes. 00:56:42.847 --> 00:56:46.726 And porn. 00:56:46.887 --> 00:56:50.880 What? Not at the same time. 00:56:51.047 --> 00:56:55.404 l need a free hand. 00:57:01.327 --> 00:57:04.364 So, when there`s a problem, how are you summoned? 00:57:04.527 --> 00:57:08.076 l`m making a deal with the Commissioner to light up the sky- 00:57:08.247 --> 00:57:10.761 -with a spotlight of my symbol. 00:57:10.927 --> 00:57:15.045 -What`s your symbol? -A big nose in the sky. 00:57:15.207 --> 00:57:20.156 Trouble is, sometimes it doesn`t exactly look like a nose. 00:57:27.007 --> 00:57:31.205 lt`s not a cupcake, either. 00:57:31.367 --> 00:57:34.359 Da da-da daa! 00:57:34.527 --> 00:57:36.518 Are you friends with other superheroes? 00:57:36.687 --> 00:57:38.962 -Some of them. -How about Aquaman? 00:57:39.127 --> 00:57:42.483 l like Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and talk to fish. 00:57:42.647 --> 00:57:47.482 Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as SpongeBob. 00:57:49.047 --> 00:57:51.322 -How about the Hulk? -Why do you like the Hulk? 00:57:51.487 --> 00:57:53.717 The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. 00:57:53.887 --> 00:57:58.517 Yeah, like every white trash guy on Cops . 00:58:02.967 --> 00:58:06.846 -l like the Flash. -He has no powers! 00:58:07.007 --> 00:58:10.079 He`s on meth. 00:58:10.247 --> 00:58:13.876 -Catwoman? -l used to date Catwoman. 00:58:14.047 --> 00:58:19.724 She gave me something l had to take medicine to get rid of. 00:58:19.887 --> 00:58:22.924 And boy, does it itch. 00:58:23.087 --> 00:58:26.523 And now it burns when l fly. 00:58:26.687 --> 00:58:30.043 Da da-da daa... 00:58:45.767 --> 00:58:49.316 Son of a bitch! 00:58:49.487 --> 00:58:52.923 lt`s the terrorists, l tell you. 00:58:56.527 --> 00:59:00.122 l look like Lex Luthor. 00:59:00.287 --> 00:59:05.281 -Can you put it back? -Sure. Here we go. 00:59:05.447 --> 00:59:09.918 -How`s that? -Da da-da daa. 00:59:17.487 --> 00:59:20.559 That kinda sucked. 00:59:20.727 --> 00:59:25.357 -Do superheroes date each other? -We date mortals sometimes, too. 00:59:25.527 --> 00:59:29.998 Did you know that Superman was dating Rosie O`Donnell? 00:59:30.167 --> 00:59:32.203 -l did not know that. -He had to quit. 00:59:32.367 --> 00:59:35.518 Because she got too big. 00:59:35.687 --> 00:59:40.158 He took her on one flight and threw out his back. 00:59:40.327 --> 00:59:44.036 Embarrassing when you`re flying a girl around Metropolis- 00:59:44.207 --> 00:59:47.802 -and yourfeet are still dragging the sidewalk. 00:59:52.487 --> 00:59:55.763 Da da-da daa. 00:59:55.927 --> 01:00:00.796 This looks like a job for Slim-Fast! 01:00:03.287 --> 01:00:06.165 -One last guy, how about Batman? -Oh. 01:00:06.327 --> 01:00:10.764 A grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy? 01:00:10.927 --> 01:00:16.047 l don`t have to have x-ray vision to see what the hell`s going on there. 01:00:16.207 --> 01:00:20.120 l wondered about these superheroes and their young men sidekicks. 01:00:24.647 --> 01:00:29.437 You have five men in a suitcase. 01:00:29.607 --> 01:00:33.566 And one of them`s on a stick. 01:00:42.367 --> 01:00:46.599 Who is sliding down the proverbial Batpole now? 01:00:46.767 --> 01:00:51.887 lf you had a theme song, it would be La la-la laa. 01:00:52.047 --> 01:00:57.963 -You know, l have a wife and kids. -So does Tom Cruise! 01:00:59.007 --> 01:01:02.044 And that`s Melvin the Superhero. There we go. 01:01:07.527 --> 01:01:09.916 Thank you. 01:01:15.167 --> 01:01:18.079 Thank you so much. 01:01:18.247 --> 01:01:22.206 lf you`ve seen my show before, you`ll recognize this next guy. 01:01:22.367 --> 01:01:25.518 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut. 01:01:36.087 --> 01:01:38.476 -How you doing, Peanut? -Pretty good, how are you? 01:01:38.647 --> 01:01:42.526 -l`m fine. -That`s good, that`s gooooooood. 01:01:43.887 --> 01:01:48.119 -So, you like it here? -Oh, l love being in D.C. 01:01:48.287 --> 01:01:53.839 D.C! lt`s great. And l love this theater, the Warner Theater. 01:01:54.007 --> 01:01:56.760 lt`s fantastic. And they`ve got a cool website. 01:01:56.927 --> 01:01:59.964 And a link to our website which is jeffdunham.com. 01:02:00.127 --> 01:02:02.846 -The thing that... -Peanut, stop... 01:02:03.007 --> 01:02:06.238 What? 01:02:06.407 --> 01:02:11.720 The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! 01:02:18.847 --> 01:02:22.157 l talk, you talk. l talk, you talk, that`s it! 01:02:22.327 --> 01:02:26.081 Focus. 01:02:29.727 --> 01:02:32.844 l am so sick of this crap. 01:02:33.007 --> 01:02:37.000 -l have tried going solo. -What happened? 01:02:37.167 --> 01:02:42.036 l kept falling off this fricking thing. 01:02:42.207 --> 01:02:44.277 Why did you interrupt me? 01:02:44.447 --> 01:02:48.076 -You mispronounced my last name. -l know. 01:02:48.247 --> 01:02:52.320 -lt`s Dunham. -Not when you look at it. Dun-Ham. 01:02:52.487 --> 01:02:55.285 Haaaaaam. 01:02:55.447 --> 01:02:59.042 You`re the other white meat. 01:03:02.367 --> 01:03:04.676 Don`t confuse everyone. lt`s Dunham. 01:03:04.847 --> 01:03:07.156 lt says Dun-ham ham ham ham. 01:03:15.687 --> 01:03:20.715 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 01:03:20.887 --> 01:03:25.677 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 01:03:29.847 --> 01:03:35.319 And when you think about it for 30 seconds, it`s Jefa Fa Dun Ham. 01:03:36.327 --> 01:03:38.363 Dot Com. 01:03:38.527 --> 01:03:42.520 Jefa Fa. You`re using an unneeded `F`. 01:03:42.687 --> 01:03:47.841 Jefa Fa. Dun Ham. 01:03:48.007 --> 01:03:50.919 Dot Com. 01:03:54.487 --> 01:03:58.878 Am l pissing you ofa fa? 01:04:08.287 --> 01:04:10.755 Jefa Fa? 01:04:10.927 --> 01:04:15.443 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 01:04:15.607 --> 01:04:20.965 The weird part is, l am actually pissing him off. 01:04:21.127 --> 01:04:24.961 And he would like to kill me. But he will not- 01:04:25.127 --> 01:04:29.120 -because that would be a form of suicide. 01:04:30.607 --> 01:04:32.677 -You want to kill me. -No, l don`t. 01:04:32.847 --> 01:04:38.797 Yes, yes, yes. Search yourfeelings, Jefa Fa. 01:04:42.607 --> 01:04:46.839 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 01:04:57.327 --> 01:05:01.639 -What? -Dude, you need a Tic-Tac. 01:05:06.727 --> 01:05:11.084 You know what your breath smells like? Done ham. 01:05:12.927 --> 01:05:14.918 Dot Com. 01:05:18.847 --> 01:05:21.281 What the hell was that? 01:05:21.447 --> 01:05:23.677 -What? -What did you just do? 01:05:23.847 --> 01:05:27.476 -l didn`t do anything. -You picked your nose. 01:05:27.647 --> 01:05:33.119 Did you see that? - Oh my God. 01:05:33.287 --> 01:05:38.236 You fricking picked...your nose! 01:05:52.287 --> 01:05:56.121 -What? -You didn`t do a very good job! 01:06:05.647 --> 01:06:08.719 -There`s still something there. -Cut it out! 01:06:08.887 --> 01:06:11.959 -You gotta get it. lt`s wiggling. -Stop it! 01:06:12.127 --> 01:06:17.326 Oh wait! You`re a ventriloquist. Make it talk. 01:06:21.247 --> 01:06:26.605 That`d be funny as hell! Only give it a French accent. 01:06:26.767 --> 01:06:32.364 ``Bonjour! l would like to come out of your nose!`` 01:06:36.327 --> 01:06:38.557 Stop it. 01:06:53.927 --> 01:06:56.680 Holy crap, you`re quick. 01:06:56.847 --> 01:07:01.159 lt`s like you know. 01:07:18.247 --> 01:07:21.080 You do that now, you just go... 01:07:21.247 --> 01:07:26.640 -That`s always been yourthing. -You do it. Short one, long one. 01:07:26.807 --> 01:07:29.719 Do it! 01:07:35.967 --> 01:07:38.765 Do it. 01:07:42.567 --> 01:07:48.881 What the hell was that? You sound like some anemic French guy. 01:07:52.127 --> 01:07:54.721 German: jawohl ! 01:07:54.887 --> 01:07:58.197 Chinese: 01:07:58.367 --> 01:08:00.961 Gay guy: 01:08:07.647 --> 01:08:12.846 Oh, oh! Wait, wait. A guy driving a blue Prius: 01:08:21.487 --> 01:08:24.001 You know what would be funny as hell? 01:08:24.167 --> 01:08:30.322 When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show is sponsored by Toyota. 01:08:34.447 --> 01:08:37.883 And they have no idea. 01:08:38.046 --> 01:08:42.006 One night they`re watching this like, ``Hey!`` 01:08:42.167 --> 01:08:46.877 ``He making fun of our cars!`` 01:08:51.846 --> 01:08:55.044 ``He say our car is gay.`` 01:08:55.207 --> 01:08:58.323 ``lt not gay, he gay.`` 01:08:58.487 --> 01:09:01.001 ``Let`s get Godzilla to kill him.`` 01:09:12.527 --> 01:09:15.439 -lt`s a tiny little car, isn`t it? -lt`s small. 01:09:15.607 --> 01:09:21.238 l bet to get in and out, you gotta use a lot of lotion. 01:09:35.846 --> 01:09:40.398 -That`s not funny. -They are laughing like hell. 01:09:42.287 --> 01:09:45.085 -Does your wife drive that car? -The Prius? Oh, sure. 01:09:45.247 --> 01:09:48.000 -Good. How`s she doing? -My wife? She`s fine. 01:09:48.167 --> 01:09:50.805 -Oh, good. How`s the family? -They`re fine. 01:09:50.966 --> 01:09:55.358 -Oh, good! l was just wondering. -Thanks a lot. 01:09:55.527 --> 01:09:57.518 -Everything`s fine? -Everything`s fine. 01:09:57.687 --> 01:10:02.841 l just want to make sure. Because l`m your pal. 01:10:03.007 --> 01:10:06.716 -Thank you. -So l`m concerned. 01:10:06.887 --> 01:10:11.597 -About what? -l was just thinking the other day. 01:10:11.767 --> 01:10:17.637 We`re on the road a lot. You`re away from home a lot. 01:10:17.807 --> 01:10:22.039 And your wife`s at home alone. A lot. 01:10:22.207 --> 01:10:26.086 -Okay? -Yeah. 01:10:26.247 --> 01:10:30.035 -She`s not exactly bad-looking. -No. 01:10:30.207 --> 01:10:32.846 She`s hot. 01:10:34.287 --> 01:10:38.360 And her prime is now. 01:10:38.527 --> 01:10:43.555 Yours was 20 years ago. 01:10:48.967 --> 01:10:52.755 And she`s home. Alone. 01:10:52.927 --> 01:10:55.646 Are you sure? 01:10:55.807 --> 01:10:59.925 -Yeah. -How do you know? 01:11:00.087 --> 01:11:04.000 l trust her. 01:11:05.887 --> 01:11:08.765 What if she`s been with someone else? 01:11:08.927 --> 01:11:11.919 Like...me! 01:11:12.087 --> 01:11:15.966 Oh, come on. You go purple, you never go back! 01:11:21.247 --> 01:11:24.125 l really don`t think my wife has slept with you, Peanut. 01:11:24.287 --> 01:11:28.678 Well, think about this for a second. ln a twisted kind of way- 01:11:28.847 --> 01:11:33.557 -all five of us on stage have slept with your wife. 01:11:35.807 --> 01:11:38.765 When you`re wacky and having a great time, that`s me! 01:11:38.927 --> 01:11:41.236 When you`re pissed off, lying there thinking- 01:11:41.407 --> 01:11:46.356 -``why did l marry this broad?``, that`s Walter. 01:11:46.527 --> 01:11:51.123 When you`re so angry you want to kill her, that`s Achmed. 01:11:51.287 --> 01:11:54.484 So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick? 01:11:54.647 --> 01:11:58.162 You`re a sick man! 01:11:58.327 --> 01:12:02.206 And here he is, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick! 01:12:11.407 --> 01:12:16.197 -Good evening, Jose. -Hola, Senor Heff. 01:12:16.367 --> 01:12:20.155 -lt`s good to see you. -Gracias, Senor Heff. 01:12:20.327 --> 01:12:23.524 -Excuse me! Who the hell is `Heff`? -That`s Jeff. 01:12:23.687 --> 01:12:26.281 -No, he said `Heff`. -lt`s the same thing. 01:12:26.447 --> 01:12:28.802 No, it`s not. 01:12:28.967 --> 01:12:31.765 -Jose, what did you say? -l say Senor Heff. 01:12:31.927 --> 01:12:34.805 What the f...Now he said `Cheff`. 01:12:34.967 --> 01:12:39.643 -lt`s all the same. -Didn`t you watch Sesame Street? 01:12:39.807 --> 01:12:43.846 Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff and Cheff is Cheff. 01:12:44.007 --> 01:12:48.285 One of these things just doesnt belong here! 01:12:55.647 --> 01:13:00.277 Tonight`s show is sponsored by the sound chhhhhh. 01:13:00.447 --> 01:13:04.998 -l`m sorry, Jose. -ls okay. He`s an idiot. 01:13:05.167 --> 01:13:12.278 You`re on a stick. Stica ka. Jefa fa. 01:13:14.807 --> 01:13:18.595 l have a question for Josie. 01:13:26.247 --> 01:13:28.681 My name is Jose. 01:13:28.847 --> 01:13:35.036 Oh, l`m sorry, l thought we were in America, speaking fricking English. 01:13:35.207 --> 01:13:39.325 But l didn`t see the little...overthe `e`. 01:13:39.487 --> 01:13:43.878 Which magically changes Josie into fricking Jose. 01:13:44.047 --> 01:13:46.720 And l didn`t see the...over the `n`- 01:13:46.887 --> 01:13:50.960 -which changes jalapeno into jalapeno. 01:13:51.127 --> 01:13:53.322 So a...overthe `n` and a...over the `e`. 01:13:53.487 --> 01:13:59.437 Two keys l can never fricking find on a fricking keyboard. 01:14:02.887 --> 01:14:06.766 Apparently it`s a secret known only to the Mexicans. 01:14:06.927 --> 01:14:11.717 So, Jose, when you`re typing... Oh! l`m sorry. 01:14:17.407 --> 01:14:21.878 Talk about `hunt and peck`. 01:14:22.047 --> 01:14:27.644 -l`m sorry, Jose. -ls OK. l`ll hire Achmed to kill him. 01:14:27.807 --> 01:14:30.799 So, what`s your question? And be nice. 01:14:30.967 --> 01:14:35.643 -You`re a jalapeno. - Si, senor. On a stick. 01:14:35.807 --> 01:14:40.039 -You`re a Mexican jalapeno. -On a stick. 01:14:40.207 --> 01:14:43.643 Are you a legal Mexican jalapeno? 01:14:45.687 --> 01:14:49.441 -What? What did l say? -This is not the appropriate time. 01:14:49.607 --> 01:14:55.079 Too late! So, Jose, are you legal? Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...? 01:14:57.767 --> 01:15:00.486 -What? -l know the answer to the question. 01:15:00.647 --> 01:15:02.638 Jose? Are you legal to be in this country? 01:15:02.807 --> 01:15:05.958 Si, senor. l have my green card. 01:15:06.127 --> 01:15:11.440 -Where is your green card? -lt`s in my other stick. 01:15:14.767 --> 01:15:18.965 -Did you know he had another stick? -l had no idea. 01:15:19.127 --> 01:15:25.521 You know what that means? That means that one comes out! 01:15:37.967 --> 01:15:43.678 Oh my God! l thought it was just stuck up his ass. 01:15:43.847 --> 01:15:47.123 -What`s wrong? -He doesn`t have an ass. 01:15:47.287 --> 01:15:49.278 -lt`s just a jalapeno. -On a stick. 01:15:49.447 --> 01:15:51.722 l know! 01:15:51.887 --> 01:15:54.321 -How did he get on the stick? -l don`t know. 01:15:54.487 --> 01:15:57.638 Probably a horrible pogo accident. 01:15:57.807 --> 01:16:01.197 You know...doink doink. 01:16:03.367 --> 01:16:06.564 Ole! 01:16:12.647 --> 01:16:16.083 Jose, immigration is a big topic in the country right now. 01:16:16.247 --> 01:16:19.762 Would you mind if l ask a few questions? 01:16:19.927 --> 01:16:23.681 There are more National Guard on the border between USA and Mexico. 01:16:23.847 --> 01:16:25.838 -Does this concern you? -No, senor. 01:16:26.007 --> 01:16:30.683 -Why not? -He`s already here! 01:16:33.527 --> 01:16:37.076 You really are an idiot! 01:16:37.247 --> 01:16:41.479 Jose, are you here on a temporary visa, or on a work visa? 01:16:41.647 --> 01:16:45.356 He`s here on a stick. 01:16:48.007 --> 01:16:52.205 -Do you enjoy being in this country? -Sometimes l`m afraid for my life. 01:16:52.367 --> 01:16:55.962 -Why? -Taco Bell. 01:17:03.287 --> 01:17:06.359 -Jose, do you have a new girlfriend? - Si, senor. 01:17:06.527 --> 01:17:10.440 -What, a fricking pickle on a pencil? -Stop it! 01:17:13.687 --> 01:17:15.962 -Peanut, are you prejudiced? -No! 01:17:16.127 --> 01:17:21.326 A bunch of my best friends are on sticks. 01:17:21.487 --> 01:17:24.001 Peanut, l meant are you prejudiced towards Mexicans? 01:17:24.167 --> 01:17:28.479 No. My mother`s Mexican. 01:17:30.807 --> 01:17:34.083 Okay, l meant New Mexican. 01:17:34.247 --> 01:17:38.001 She`s like Jose, just...fresher. 01:17:38.167 --> 01:17:41.682 -Jose, you speak English very well. -Gracias, senor. 01:17:41.847 --> 01:17:45.283 What were some of the first phrases in English that you learned? 01:17:45.447 --> 01:17:49.122 ``Will you help me push my car?`` 01:18:01.527 --> 01:18:05.406 -``Does this lD look real?`` -Will you s... 01:18:05.567 --> 01:18:10.163 -``Where`s the nearest Home Depot?`` -Stop it! 01:18:10.327 --> 01:18:14.923 Actually, the last one was true. 01:18:15.087 --> 01:18:18.477 l`m sorry about this, Jose. l`m happy to have you in the act. 01:18:18.647 --> 01:18:20.763 - Gracias, senor. -Just make sure he`s legal. 01:18:20.927 --> 01:18:25.239 -He`s legal. Why are you concerned? -Are you not concerned? 01:18:25.407 --> 01:18:29.685 -Why should l be concerned? -He works for you! 01:18:29.847 --> 01:18:34.318 Some of those laws pass and he`s not legal, it`s your ass thrown in jail. 01:18:34.487 --> 01:18:37.718 And trust me, you would not do well in prison. 01:18:37.887 --> 01:18:42.085 -Why not? -``Come here, puppet boy!`` 01:18:49.447 --> 01:18:53.235 ``Make your daddy talk.`` 01:18:53.407 --> 01:18:57.525 That`s nice. So you`re pretty sure l`d soon become someone`s... 01:18:57.687 --> 01:18:59.882 -Bitch. -Right. 01:19:00.047 --> 01:19:02.197 On a stick. 01:19:02.367 --> 01:19:08.920 You guys have been an awesome audience. Thank you. Good night. 01:19:09.087 --> 01:19:13.683 Subtitle: D K Vaught PrimeText lnternational